Rossweisse
RIP Rossweisse, HellHost and long-time Shipmate.
Please see the thread in All Saints remembering her.

Let's Tell/Share Some (Good) Jokes

A minister, a priest, and a rabbi walked into a bar.

The beertender looked up and said,
"I am SO tired of this old joke. Please leave right now."

!!!ktttsssccchhh!!! (cymbal crash)
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Comments

  • LydaLyda Shipmate
    I'm sure I've old this joke some time in the past here. But I'm going share it again anyway.

    A young Israeli soldier who had died in the Seven Day War found himself at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter looked up and shook his head and told him, "Sorry, son, but this isn't the place for you," and turned him away. So the young soul wandered off along the high walls of the Heavenly City. Suddenly, a long rope dropped from window over the top of the wall, and the head of an old man popped out and called down, "Hey you! Yeah, you! Grab the rope and climb on up." The soldier looked around and thought, why not? He climbed up the rope and through the window.

    He found himself in a wood workshop with the old guy. The man cackled and showed him the door to the Streets of Heaven. "Go on! You are in heaven! Enjoy yourself!" The soldier stepped out and started walking around and it was as wonderful as advertised. But as luck would have it, he bumped into St. Peter.

    "What! How'd you get here?"

    The young man sheepishly explained about the old man and the rope. St. Peter didn't bother to let him finish the story but strode straight to the workshop.

    "Joseph, you've been warned over and over and this is the last straw. You are out of heaven at once- pack up and go!"

    Joseph scowled. "Yeah, yeah, all right, but the wife and kid come with me."
  • A minister, a priest, and a rabbi walked into a bar.

    The beertender looked up and said,
    "I am SO tired of this old joke. Please leave right now."

    !!!ktttsssccchhh!!! (cymbal crash)

    O I thought it was going to be the one about the priest, the imam, and the rabbit, who walked into a bar.

    The rabbit says 'Oops - I think I'm a typing error...'

    There's the white horse who walks into a bar, and asks for a whisky. The barman says 'Well, there's a thing! We've got a whisky named after you!'.

    'What?' says the horse, 'You've got a whisky called Eric ?'

    (Let the whisky-drinking reader understand)

  • A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a bar. The imam ducks.
  • jrwjrw Shipmate
    Three newcomers arrive in Heaven and everyone wants to hear how they died.

    "I was killed by a bus", says the first person.

    "I was killed by a lion", says the second person.

    "I was killed by a fridge", says the third person.

    "A fridge?", says the crowd of listeners, "What happened?"

    "I came home a bad mood", says the third person, "I'd had a difficult day and when I returned home to the block of flats where I live, the lift was broken and I had to climb 20 flights of stairs. When I finally opened my door, I was hot and bothered and looking forward to a nice cold drink and a rest. But the fridge was playing up again - for the umpteenth time. No cold drink.

    I lost my temper. I picked up the fridge and threw it through the window".

    "But how did you die?" says the crowd of listeners.

    The person replies, "I forgot to let go".
  • Why does a small rodent get larger if you stick an LED up it's bottom?


    Because it's now.... vole-luminous.
  • 3 people are out hiking, they come across some tracks in the forest. The first says "Look! bear tracks!. The second says "no, those are moose tracks!". The train hit the third one.

    2 people are out hiking. They see some rabbit droppings. The first one says "Look! smart pills!" The second one picks one up and eats it, and then says "these taste like sh*t!". The first one says "see you're smarter already!"

    I need a 1 person is out hiking joke now.
  • SipechSipech Shipmate
    Which volcano hurts the most when you kick it?

    Crack-A-Toe-A
  • LydaLyda Shipmate
    What do you listen to on a hike?

    A trail mix!
  • A minister, a priest, and a rabbi walked into a bar.

    The beertender looked up and said,
    "I am SO tired of this old joke. Please leave right now."

    !!!ktttsssccchhh!!! (cymbal crash)

    O I thought it was going to be the one about the priest, the imam, and the rabbit, who walked into a bar.

    The rabbit says 'Oops - I think I'm a typing error...'

    There's the white horse who walks into a bar, and asks for a whisky. The barman says 'Well, there's a thing! We've got a whisky named after you!'.

    'What?' says the horse, 'You've got a whisky called Eric ?'

    (Let the whisky-drinking reader understand)

    LOL

  • jrw wrote: »
    Three newcomers arrive in Heaven and everyone wants to hear how they died.

    "I was killed by a bus", says the first person.

    "I was killed by a lion", says the second person.

    "I was killed by a fridge", says the third person.

    "A fridge?", says the crowd of listeners, "What happened?"

    "I came home a bad mood", says the third person, "I'd had a difficult day and when I returned home to the block of flats where I live, the lift was broken and I had to climb 20 flights of stairs. When I finally opened my door, I was hot and bothered and looking forward to a nice cold drink and a rest. But the fridge was playing up again - for the umpteenth time. No cold drink.

    I lost my temper. I picked up the fridge and threw it through the window".

    "But how did you die?" says the crowd of listeners.

    The person replies, "I forgot to let go".

    I know a very *naughty* -- VERY funny -- joke about a small admissions quiz at "the Gates of Heaven" ... But it's *naughty* so I can't tell it here ...
    *wink*wink*nudge*nudge* ...
  • The President of the United States (was it George Bush?) was visiting an old folks' home and asked one of the residents: "Do you know who I am?" "No, dear," she said, "but ask Matron - she will know."
  • I love the "Do you know who I am?" stories ...
  • A student is taking an end-of-term exam, of the sort (u.s.a) where you have a generic "blue book" (sold in the university bookstore), and write your answers in there. This is a very large class, it must be said. The instructor makes it clear students are to stop writing when the bell rings at the end of the class period. The bell rings, and the students shuffle up and place their bluebooks in a pile on the instructor's desk, but one student keeps writing and writing. The instructor looks up and clears her voice, then says "The exam time ended two minutes ago. I'm afraid I can't accept your exam." The student gets up and walks to the desk and says, "Do you know who I am? DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!" The instructor says, "I have no idea who you are." The student says, "Good," stuffs the blue book into the middle of the pile, and strolls out.
  • mousethief wrote: »
    A student is taking an end-of-term exam, of the sort (u.s.a) where you have a generic "blue book" (sold in the university bookstore), and write your answers in there. This is a very large class, it must be said. The instructor makes it clear students are to stop writing when the bell rings at the end of the class period. The bell rings, and the students shuffle up and place their bluebooks in a pile on the instructor's desk, but one student keeps writing and writing. The instructor looks up and clears her voice, then says "The exam time ended two minutes ago. I'm afraid I can't accept your exam." The student gets up and walks to the desk and says, "Do you know who I am? DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!" The instructor says, "I have no idea who you are." The student says, "Good," stuffs the blue book into the middle of the pile, and strolls out.

    COOL
  • I think I might be a frequent visitor to this thread but first a little trip down Memory (sea) Lane...

    http://www.ship-of-fools.com/features/2005/laugh_judgment_results.html

    I will just hint at number 9... :wink:

    AFZ
  • I think I might be a frequent visitor to this thread but first a little trip down Memory (sea) Lane...

    http://www.ship-of-fools.com/features/2005/laugh_judgment_results.html

    I will just hint at number 9... :wink:

    AFZ

    Bloody hell, the anti-Catholicism was a bit strong in about half of those.
  • I think I might be a frequent visitor to this thread but first a little trip down Memory (sea) Lane...

    http://www.ship-of-fools.com/features/2005/laugh_judgment_results.html

    I will just hint at number 9... :wink:

    AFZ

    Bloody hell, the anti-Catholicism was a bit strong in about half of those.

    It's a fair point. My only defence is that it was a Catholic who first told me that joke.

    My reflection of the past 15 years would be that Evangelicalism* has become the fortress of Godless religion. But that's a bit purgatorial so...

    A fish swam into a wall.
    Dam.

    AFZ

    *not all and I still self-identify as an Evangelical
  • It’s wrong to throw acid, in some people’s eyes ....

    (co: Jimmy Carr)
  • A colleague of mine used to work for Hewlett-Packard, assembling keyboards.

    But he got sacked because he didn't put in enough shifts ...
  • KarlLBKarlLB Shipmate
    This chap works in a village shop that sells everything. He makes a good living and decides to take on an apprentice. The apprentice starts and the owner tells him to watch him with the next customer.

    Shortly a man enters and asks for a box of grass seed.

    The owner says "small or large box? Large is better value, always need more than you think!" and so a large box of grass seed is sold.

    As he leaves, the owner says "you'll need a lawnmower"

    "A lawnmower?"

    "Yep. Grass grows, needs to be mown."

    And a lawnmower is duely sold

    "See? Always look for the add-on sale".

    So the apprentice serves the next customer, a man who walks in and says, in a quiet voice "I'd like a box of ...
    Tampax please."

    "Heavy flow or standard? Best get the heavy if you're not sure!"

    The customer, somewhat embarrassed, flusters and agrees to the super-heavy flow, value size box.

    As he leaves, the apprentice says "You'll need a lawnmower!"

    "A Lawnmower?!?"

    "Yes sir. Your weekend is knackered so you might as well cut the grass."
  • :lol: and *groan* combined...
  • I was trying to find the answer to a crossword puzzle clue.
    The clue was "over worked postal worker".

    The answer was "too many letters".

    ----

    Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

    A: stupid stick!
  • TelfordTelford Shipmate
    Bryan came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
    He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" Demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?". The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".
    Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away".
    St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
    A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
    The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"
    "It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".
    "You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".
    "Never" replies Brian
    "Well just relax and let it happen"
    And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.
    When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!
    The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting .
    "Brian, wake up you drunken bugger, you've shit the bed"
  • KarlLBKarlLB Shipmate
    edited September 6
    Best entry so far...
  • Gill HGill H Shipmate
    I think I might be a frequent visitor to this thread but first a little trip down Memory (sea) Lane...

    http://www.ship-of-fools.com/features/2005/laugh_judgment_results.html

    I will just hint at number 9... :wink:

    AFZ

    Far too many of those shipmates are now at the heavenly Shipmeet. That upset me more than any of the jokes.
  • Here's a naughty one:
    What's the ultimate rejection?
    When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep!

    I'll get my coat...
  • Computer: Type a new password

    Me: chicken

    Computer: Password must contain a capital

    Me: chickenkiev
  • mousethief wrote: »
    Computer: Type a new password

    Me: chicken

    Computer: Password must contain a capital

    Me: chickenkiev

    LOL
  • Did you hear about the new support group?

    D.A.M. Mothers Against Dyslexia.
  • Fr TeilhardFr Teilhard Shipmate
    edited September 7
    The5thMary wrote: »
    Here's a naughty one:
    What's the ultimate rejection?
    When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep!

    I'll get my coat...

    Many (innocently naive/shy) Christians don't know it, but this is directly addressed in the BIBLE !!!
    (Ecclesiastes 9: 10) -- "Whatever your hand finds to do, do with your might ..." [*blush*]
  • Did you hear about the Eye doctor?!

    He fell into the lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself.
  • From a stand-up comedian:

    I met a woman and she asked me to have sex with her. I had to disappoint her. We had sex.
  • There was an old Rabbi who despite losing his sight, continued to perform circumcisions.

    He got the sack.
  • KarlLBKarlLB Shipmate
    Circumcision is an all-round rip off.

    This is a sore point with me.
  • SipechSipech Shipmate
    Mike and Rob had many conversations about the afterlife. They agreed that when one of them died, they would make every effort to come back and tell the other what heaven would be like.

    Mike was the first to die.

    Months went by and Rob heard nothing. Then, one day, the phone rang. "Rob. It's me: Mike."

    "Mike, is that really you?"

    "You betcha!"

    "So, what's it like where you are?"

    "It's wonderful. We get to sleep in every morning. We eat all the freshest vegetables for breakfast, run around a bit in lush fields and spend the rest of the day making love, occasionally stopping for snacks."

    "Wow! Heaven sounds amazing."

    "Ah, yes. Thing is. There is no heaven. I got reincarnated as a rabbit."
  • What do you call a Trump supporter's boat that sinks in a Texas lake?

    A proud buoy.
  • I saw that McDonald's was going to stop using styrofoam and start using cardboard.

    One of these days they'll start using meat.
  • mousethief wrote: »
    I saw that McDonald's was going to stop using styrofoam and start using cardboard.

    One of these days they'll start using meat.

    *naughty*
  • Scientists have discovered a chemical that turns litmus paper red, but only on Tuesdays.

    Apparently it's weekly acidic ...
  • Werner Heisenberg was stopped by the police for speeding:

    "Good evening sir," said the officer, "do you know how fast you were going?"
    "No officer, but I know exactly where I am!"

    AFZ
  • Werner Heisenberg was stopped by the police for speeding:

    "Good evening sir," said the officer, "do you know how fast you were going?"
    "No officer, but I know exactly where I am!"

    AFZ

    "You were doing ninety one point six miles an hour sir"
    "Great!" replied Heisenberg, "Now I'm lost!"

    AFZ
  • SipechSipech Shipmate
    George married one of a pair of identical twins. A short while later, he filed for divorce. The judge asked him why he wanted a divorce.

    "Well, your honour. Every now and then my sister-in-law would come around and because she and my wife are identical-looking, I'd end up making love to her instead. Sort of by accident."

    "There must be some difference between them, is there not?" asked the judge.

    "There sure is. That's why I want the divorce."
  • jrwjrw Shipmate
    A man is booked to do a seminar on the subject of 'The Birds and the Bees', but because he knows that his wife would not really approve of him teaching this subject, he tells her that he is doing a seminar on 'Sailing' instead. His wife smiles to herself as if remembering something, but says no more.

    The day after the seminar, a woman who the man and his wife know only vaguely comes up to her in the street.

    "Hey, your husband was really good at the seminar yesterday", she says enthusiastically, "My husband and I learnt a lot. Your man really knows his stuff."

    "Knows his stuff?", said the man's wife with a laugh, "You're joking. He's only ever done it twice. The first time he was sick and the second time his hat flew off".
  • TelfordTelford Shipmate
    Donald Trump walks into a bank to cash a check. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me?”

    Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?”

    Trump: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Donald Trump, President of the United States of America!!!!”

    Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the banking legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID.

    Trump: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am.”

    Cashier: "I am sorry, Mr. Trump, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them.”

    Trump: "My goodness. I am urging you, please, to cash this cheque.”

    Cashier: "Look Mr. Trump , here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check.

    Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot; the tennis ball landed in my coffee cup. With that shot we cashed his check.

    So, Mr. Trump, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you?”

    Trump stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank, I have absolutely no idea what to do, I don't have a clue.”

    Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Mr. Trump.”

  • I'm profoundly grateful the joke about Donald Trump at the bank didn't have a dirty punch line! That's how awful this man is...most jokes about him I half expect some disgusting punchline...
  • Why was the ink blot sad?

    His father was in the pen and didn't know how long the sentence would be.
  • The5thMary wrote: »
    Why was the ink blot sad?

    His father was in the pen and didn't know how long the sentence would be.

    And THEN ... A psychiatrist got hold of him and she had to spend all her time with CRAZY people ... !!!
  • Uhhhh...
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