Penny, I am absolutely appalled that the occupational therapist did an assessment over the phone in those circumstances.
PM me if there's any specific advice that you don't want to add to a public forum.
One thing has been forgotten in all this is that at the beginning of last year, when I first took D in, we thought it was an end of life situation and that she would be unlikely to last until April 6th, which was her intention, to save inheritance tax! She was in a very bad way. The last time, I had been given the impression that it was for a very short period (a weekend) before she was in a convalescent home while her house was dealt with, or for the period of building work (a fortnight with lead in time). I never intended, or expected, this situation to last as long as it has.
When I mentioned this to the doctor the other week, D was emphatic that no such assurance had been given, so I retreated with the suggestion of a misunderstanding rather than get into a "are you calling me a liar" situation. Had I known she did not intend to have the work done, she would not be here.
Social services have had discussions with her son, but they lead nowhere. (I have not been privy to these discussions.) She is the householder, she has the rights over her house, she has the money, and he has no legal power to do anything. Especially no power of attorney, which she is not going to grant. He cannot employ builders without her permission - they would not engage in work under those conditions.
I am waiting for her to have real trouble with the stairs to the toilet. It was very odd how she was suddenly able to manage stairs just before the last discharge, when I had made a major point of their being the difficulty, and there being no proper location for a commode on the living floor. I was trying very hard to make it clear this house was not appropriate. I gave the team plans of the floors and how rooms were used! The occupational therapist did her assessment over the phone! They were very keen on getting rid of her. The stairs are no longer as easy for her as they were last year, and she has trouble breathing after the effort. This would be the preferable way out, rather than more serious illness, requiring hospital again. From which she would not return.
I was not at all pleased when D felt she could interfere in the possibility of social services being involved in my wellbeing, telling the doctor I didn't need support. As if I were her relation. But that may be useful in future.
D herself does not have any social service involvement, so cannot be seen as their client. She has refused it. The dietitian was surprised there is no care manager. No-one has shown any interest since she left the hospital.
There is so much here that is of course beyond our knowledge/ expertise. You're the ne in this situation, were not
Yet it does seem like you're waiting for others to notice your problem and advocate for you when you're not willing to do it for yourself. I'd humbly suggest you not get bogged down with fruitless arguments about who said what years ago. It doesn't matter. What matters is that you no longer wish to have D in your home. I'd just keep repeating that, and go thru the procedure to make that happen
Some people may accuse you of being mean or cold hearted. Mostly just D I think, most are going to see how far you've gone for her. But a few others may be taken in as well. So you may be misjudged
That's uncomfortable. It's not fatal. Just accept it as the potential cost of regaining your life
Silence re the son does not mean he is useless. And I won't have that said. He has no resources. But I can't say anything more, as Piglet has reminded us.
And thanks, Jacobsen, for your perception.
I'm doing the self-denying ordinance thing again until feedback from the doctor's activity may be appropriate. Which should bypass the matter of my not being next of kin, which stymies a lot of things.
I think I understand things better. Ejecting D means ejecting her son in some fashion. And "He has no resources." You always said it all was mostly about your friend. Anyway, as I said on the "Bad Samaritan" thread, I'm out of the advice biz now. It's your life; you have all the facts. So my prayers and good wishes follow you, and I'll read with interest anything you share, Penny S.
I don't really understand how a man in his late sixties who has qualifications and is / was in employment has no resources. Has he ever left home, or has he lived rent-free with his mother for all of his life? In which case surely he has substantial savings? If he has been paying rent, then why does he have no say in his home? But none of this is my business, I just find it puzzling that this mother / son duo, who sound as though they should be affluent, have somehow ended up living in Penny S's house, whilst their own substantial home lies empty and neglected.
Also - you not being next-of-kin not only stymies lots of things, it should also facilitate you ending this situation.
There could be many reasons @North East Quine. My husband used to support people who had no resources due to gambling, alcoholism, drug use, you name it. Plenty had qualifications and prior professional jobs. They had conquered their addictions and were on their way back into their own flats and ‘normal’ life, but still needed some support. It was his job to provide that support.
The only way they conquered their problems was when their significant others stopped enabling their destructive behaviours. Not an easy thing to do, but worth it in the end.
This is not about a relative, but a friend of my partner. I haven't even met the man but I am concerned about what I have heard. I am in a quandrary about what to say and how much to say.
Basically we have an 80 year old man who is quite vulnerable having lost his wife last year, after having looked after her declining health for many years. So he is lonely and bereft. He has two daughters who I believe keep an eye on him but do not live close by.
Anyway the problem is ... what do you say to this man who is absolutely convinced that the 29 year old (she says) Georgian woman who has befriended him on line and bombarded him with hundreds of affectionate messages and sexy photographs, that she really genuinely does want to come and live with him and look after him?
My partner has tried passing on my warnings to him but he doesn't appear to be taking them seriously. This woman hasn't asked for money yet but I feel it is only a matter of time.
In one sense I realise it is none of our business ... he is mentally ok and can look after himself. But he can't seem to see that this is a scam. I feel I just can't stand back and see him taken advantage of.
Just to say that this situation seems to have been resolved successfully ...I can't post more an this point but will update later. Some money was sent but fortunately not much and the daughters are now in the picture.
Glad to hear that Sparrow. I hope someone can find your partner's friend some real life interests. There are lots of elederly women out there who may well be interested in him. Not my mother though, she still lusts after good looking men in their twenties.
Penny S - I don't think I can add anything to what others have said here and elsewhere. You must feel like you are being battered from all sides. However I do think there had been a lot of good advice and I hope you can sort something out. I'll now shut up about it.
I went out with my mother yesterday. My brother is going to book a holiday for her, and I've grudgingly agreed. I really don't think she's capable of going somewhere new on her own. Not only her extremely poor sight, but her poor memory would make her far too dependent on other holiday makers and the rep. However if it makes her happy I'm willing to give it a whirl.
The real worry is she is still convinced the neighbours are stealing things and coming and sitting in her flat when she isn't there. When I found the magnifier she'd mislaid she said they must have bought it back. I couldn't find the pack of nine new loo rolls which is a puzzle, though I'm sure she'd hidden them somewhere so they don't get stolen, and I haven't worked out where yet.
@Sarasa Did you agree that your brother takes responsibility should this holiday go wrong and your mother needs rescuing from somewhere? So he has to make those arrangements?
The delusions about stealing don't sound good.
Good news Sparrow. Looking, because I was curious, Age UK list a range of holidays including singles holidays for the over 50s.
I thought of that, but she has a divan that goes down to floor so no room for loo rolls. Her flat is small and I looked in all the obvious cupboards. Her suitacase was out and I didn't look in that, but I'm not goings to schlep over there to find out if thta's where they are!
Yes CK we agreed that we'd make sure there was very good insurance in case she needs rescuing.
Sorry, try the unobvious places i.e. any place big enough to take a pack of loo rolls is a hiding place. Seriously before Mum went into hospital, I could quite easily find napkins in the toolbox.
Sarasa - under the living room settee? A nine pack is quite thin, and could slide into a narrow space. I live alone, and am certainly not at the stage of thinking my neighbours are stealing my stuff, but I do sometimes forget where I've put it! My wool stash is still hiding - I should have known that tidying it out of sight was a bad idea.
There's stuff I can't post, but this is in the public domain.
Back at the start of the hoarding porn TV programmes, there was one concerning a retired, solipsistic, narcissitic, demanding and controlling concert pianist with a sense of entitlement. It was very hard to see how she had agreed to, even encouraged, the filming of a situation much, much worse than the one I know. There was no sign of her husband, and I can't remember whether he had died or left, but I would be very surprised if he had not, at some stage, said to his son "It's your job to look after your mother now."*
The daughter had escaped, leaving the son to bear the brunt of a situation which would not allow him to follow any career which would require him to turn up at regular hours. He had to be at her beck and call when she "needed" him. In a house full of stuff and detritus. The daughter turned up occasionally to give her brother some respite. And, of course, having a sibling split the load of duty** somewhat, and gave the son someone to discuss how to approach the situation with.
After our seeing what this woman was like, and what her son did for her, she turned to the camera and told us viciously how her son failed to care for her properly. I could not imagine how she thought this was of benefit to her, unless she was considering the payment from the TV company. I often wonder what has happened since. The son would certainly have a case under coercive control law against her.
As I say, this was very much worse than what I know, and have seen in action, but on the same spectrum. And the son had less spirit and involvement outside than what I know D's son to have - though agreeing to the programme was probably some fightback.
*Knowing where this sort of thing could lead made me very angry when my ex-BiL said that to my nephews when he went off with another woman, but the whole set-up is different, and everything there has worked out well. My sister is very independent, and can mend her own fuses. And chimneys. And toilets. (Though she did need to go out and bump into a plumber who happened to be passing with that one.)
** D wants her son to care for her out of love, not duty.
I've just realised where I could hide several nine packs, but you won't have those places. (Really stupid constructions by previous owners.) Top of the wardrobe, under something to hide them? You'll have looked in the airing cupboard. It's probably that suitcase, though. I have a bed settee with a place under the seat for bedclothes. Anything like that which lifts up?
It never ceases to amaze me how the human brain is set up so that when we want to hide something, it thinks we want to hide it from ourselves as well, and loses the memory. So that if you say to anyone "I put it in a safe place", they know exactly what you mean.
I now tell myself out loud when I put something away like that. And if I'm going away, I write myself a cryptic list and put that somewhere safe. (On my smartphone. As well as paper somewhere.)
I care for the Dowager out of love, but when - after my fortnightly visit, which required me to drive 5 hours in total, take her out to lunch, buy her flowers, collect up and deal with her mail, collect a piece of mail from the sorting office and discuss issues with the care home manager - her parting shot was 'so you're quite content to drive away and leave me here?' quite frankly I don't even like her.
I had to explain to the manager exactly how deluded the Dowager was capable of being, which astonished her; I'm sure Mum saves her complaints and extreme dottiness for me, rather as one's children are angelic everywhere else before coming home and auditioning for Worst Kids in the World!
Mrs S - you have my sympathy. I've just had my mother on the phone telling me she is putting her flat on the market because not only have the neighbours stolen her loo rolls they've mucked about with and ruined her magnifier that she needs to see things and used her body cream. I keep on stressing she mustn't go round and have it out with them. I dread to think what she might say if she does.
I listened to her and asked her how she thinks they are gaining access. She seems convinced they have somehow got hold of her keys and are listening out to everything she does. She was talking about having a camera installed, I don't know if that would make things better or worse.
Sarasa- tell her that she mustn't have it out with her neighbours, because the estate agents and solicitors will ask and she will have to admit that she has problem neighbours, and then no-one will buy her flat!
Sounds like an ideal opportunity to get her into somewhere with some support other than you...
Sarasa- tell her that she mustn't have it out with her neighbours, because the estate agents and solicitors will ask and she will have to admit that she has problem neighbours...
Hmm, maybe.
When our less-than-neighbourly neighbour sold they didn't admit to having made the end of my beloved's life intolerable by things like complaining about ambulances being left in their line-of-sight, blue flashing lights, visiting medics having cars that they could see, etc, etc, etc.
Of course, my old neighbour may have felt that we were the "problem" neighbours?
Sarasa- tell her that she mustn't have it out with her neighbours, because the estate agents and solicitors will ask and she will have to admit that she has problem neighbours...
Hmm, maybe.
When our less-than-neighbourly neighbour sold they didn't admit to having made the end of my beloved's life intolerable by things like complaining about ambulances being left in their line-of-sight, blue flashing lights, visiting medics having cars that they could see, etc, etc, etc.
Of course, my old neighbour may have felt that we were the "problem" neighbours?
I'm very sorry about your family's experience with Neighbors From Hell. However Mrs S's idea is a plausible (to Sarasa's mom) story for keeping Mom out of trouble.
Exactly what Lyda said - I'm sorry, too, TheOrganist, but my suggestion was only a ploy to help preserve Sarasa's sanity.
In other news, the manager at Care Home 2 has just rung. I spoke to her on Wednesday about the Dowager's delusions, and now she has observed the Dowager more carefully she is sufficiently concerned about the paranoia to have called the GP in (no UTI that they can find).
She has always been rather suspicious and uncharitable, but the last time she was this paranoid was when my Dad died 40 years ago and she had a full-scale breakdown, thinking *They* were spying on her through the electric sockets. My brother attributes his success at learning to wire a plug to the number of them he had to open up to show that there were no listening devices in there
I'm sorry about your neighbours too TheOrganist, appauling behaviour. I'm sure my mother is a 'difficult' neighbour for several people in her block of flats. The man underneath her has sold the flat less than a year after he moved in, saying he isn't happy there. The fact that my mother didn't realise that her bath was leaking into his bathroom and that she kept on chatting him up probably didn't help.
Like CK and Mrs S my brother hopes this might be an opportunity to get her into some sort of sheltered palce. I don't have great hopes that she'll be amenable to that, but we shall see.
Sarasa, my grandmother used to "mislay" things, and one of the things that went missing (and was never found) was a packet of pink toilet rolls. My grandparents' bathroom suite was white, with black and white lino tiles on the floor and black and white tiles on two walls. The other two walls were painted orange. I suspect my grandfather had bought the pink rolls, and my grandmother, not wanting a pink / orange mismatch in the bathroom, disposed of them and claimed to have "forgotten" where she had put them.
More dramatic was the time that Gran "mislaid" the chicken that was going to be Sunday lunch. As you can imagine we were all horrified at the idea of a raw chicken being "mislaid" somewhere in the house, and searched thoroughly (under the bed? in the hall cupboard? in the drinks cabinet?) but the chicken never turned up. Best guess is that Gran just couldn't face cooking it, then turning the leftovers into Monday's curry and Tuesday's soup, and had wrapped it, binned it, and feigned forgetfulness.
Did the chicken thing happen as a result of her mind beginning to wander? I only ask because the idea of throwing away a perfectly good chicken would be completely anathema to most people of our grannies' generation. Even the loo-rolls would probably have been put up with, rather than waste them.
She was getting both frail and forgetful, and my my mother and aunt were having to do a quick fridge check for out-of-date food every time they visited. So the idea that she had "mislaid" a raw chicken was plausible, but as it didn't turn up, my best guess is that she just couldn't face dealing with it. We don't actually know what happened to it, but if it had ended up in an odd corner of the house, it would have started to smell and we would have found it. I suppose that it's also possible that she had some sort of kitchen mishap with the chicken, and was covering up. Who knows? The Great Chicken Mystery of 1990 will never be solved now.
My grandparents' bathroom suite was white, with black and white lino tiles on the floor and black and white tiles on two walls. The other two walls were painted orange. I suspect my grandfather had bought the pink rolls, and my grandmother, not wanting a pink / orange mismatch in the bathroom, disposed of them.
White, black and . . . ORANGE? I doubt a dash of pink would have mattered.
The orange was cheerful. They also had one of those dolls with a knitted orange dress, to cover the spare toilet roll. I thought it was lovely.
Another feature of their bathroom was that it had one of those metal boxes which held a cardboard box of Izal Medicated Toilet Paper screwed to the wall. No-one used the Izal of course, but the orange had been painted round the box, so removing it would have necessitated repainting. The toilet roll holder was on the wall behind the toilet. Alas for the North East Man when he started courting me! He failed to notice the toilet roll, or the doll with the knitted dress and thought that the Izal was the only option available....
My grandparents' bathroom suite was white, with black and white lino tiles on the floor and black and white tiles on two walls. The other two walls were painted orange. I suspect my grandfather had bought the pink rolls, and my grandmother, not wanting a pink / orange mismatch in the bathroom, disposed of them.
White, black and . . . ORANGE? I doubt a dash of pink would have mattered.
That was my thought when my daughter announced that exact same color scheme for her wedding-- which was not at Halloween, but rather at Christmastime. It actually looked quite beautiful though-- the black-and-white background making the orange flowers pop. In a bathroom, I think the shade would matter-- a vivid orange would be dreadful but a soft apricot or rust could work.
I think the shade would matter-- a vivid orange would be dreadful but a soft apricot or rust could work.
Yes. In my condo (which I sold several months ago) the bathroom walls were "Desert Sunrise," which technically was orange but leaned heavily toward peach, and the floor was dark smoky gray tile. White tub, sink and toilet. And of course my linens were white.
Hope that the Dowager Mrs S is not deteriorating too badly - it does sound worrying.
And that Sarasa's mother can be persuaded not to attack her neighbours - dealing with neighbours is such a minefield and anything that upsets that delicate balance is difficult to move on from sensibly.
Ahh, the Ship, so educational. Had never heard of this Izal before. Sarasa, I still think it would be prudent to have a discussion with the neighbours and maybe even leave your number with them. They could be great allies and at least could let you know if there were further troubles.
Izal toilet paper that takes me back. I think I might start a thread in Heaven about decorating choices, the bathroom we had when I was a child was something else.
I phoned mum this afternoon to tell her I've organised a visit to the resource centre of her local association for the blind. The idea is to try out a few aids that might be of help to her. The call did not go well, the list of things the neighbours have stolen or done has grown. they've taken clothes, her watch, a store card and fidled with the door to the bathroom cabinet so it doesn't shut properly. I know its no use to tell her this is all in her imagination, though I do keep on saying I'm puzzlesd as to how they are getting in. She's talking about phoning the police and also about telling the person who owns the next door flat how bad his tennants are when she sees him at the flats' management meeting on Tuesday.
I am stumped as to what to do, though I think I will pop a note in the letter box of said neighbours with my phone number so they can phone me if they do have concerns. I feel this is all going to end very badly.
Sarasa, I am one of a small group of friends caring for another of our group who has Alzheimers and dementia. No family that he knows of. He has hallucinations and I mention this re your mother. Perhaps she really needs some investigation and tests by doctor. He has spoken to his parents long gone. Regularly puts food out for a cat which does not exist. And more. But what is like your mother is this one. He could not open his blinds and windows, because “they” might look in. A few weeks ago I was on phone to him and he wanted to read me something from a book. At 3:00 pm on a summer afternoon, his room was too dark for him to read. No, he could not open anything, especially a window as the people stalking him would see he was in and jump in and kill him. While he still had car which we took from him two years ago, he had trouble many times locking himself out. NRMA had to come and break in. He then believed he was being stalked so his car could be stolen.
I mention these things because it seems thjat this paranoia about danger, theft etc may be something your mother has. I think giving her neighbours your number is a good idea and possibly even saying something to them
Sarasa - you may be lucky, and discover that the neighbours are understanding and supportive. Indeed, they may already have worked out that your mother has problems. Other people's parents are so much easier!
I reckon Jacobsen's probably right. If she is, and the neighbours have noticed that there's something amiss, they might be very happy for you to mention it to them, on the principle that a problem shared is a problem halved.
I went to visit mum today. Still didn't find the loo rolls, though I did find a packet of j-cloths in a suitcase and toothpaste in her smalls drawer. I couldn't find her missing watch or magnifier, but I assume they are in equally strange places.
I dropped a note in the neighbours postbox and she's just phoned me. She seemed pretty understanding and said that other neighbours have been concerned about mum too. She has apparently accused them of picking her pockets.
We were supposed to be going to look at equipment at the nearest resource centre for the blind but after I'd vaccuumed the place and mum had put on her make-up we'd run out of time, so that has been re-arranged. I did get her to agree to a cleaner on a temporary basis, though I guess she'll say she never agreed if I do get one sorted out.
Sarasa - you may be lucky, and discover that the neighbours are understanding and supportive. Indeed, they may already have worked out that your mother has problems. Other people's parents are so much easier!
Indeed, one of the most helpful bits of advice I've heard for dealing with parents who are sliding into dementia and prone to all sorts of socially unacceptable behaviors when out in public was to pretend that they were not your relatives. Not to abandon them, but simply, when you're sitting in a restaurant listening to them make racist or sexist remarks to the waitstaff, imagine they are some acquaintance from church you are charitably taking to lunch. You wouldn't feel personally shamed, you might even be amused as you flash the waitstaff one of those "whadaya gonna do? can you believe these folks?" eyerolls. Giving yourself a little emotional distance so your parents' shameless behavioral misdeeds don't become your personal shame.
Deeply unsatisfactory phone conversation with the Dowager this morning. Once we'd got past all the excitements of my weekend (helping Miss S, SiL and the Intrepid Grandson to move to their new abode) I asked her how she was. She was 'sitting in an empty common room while everyone else was sitting round a table groaning with a feast, and they kept sending this nice young man to invite her along, but she wasn't going'.
Now that's all right, but when she started on how they were all enjoying themselves because she wasn't there, we got into a heated argument about the logical inconsistency of them not wanting her, while still sending the NYM along to persuade her to come. She denied the very existence of said NYM, and when I challenged this, saying she'd told me about him only a minute ago, she said 'but they've made him shave his beard off, he looks twenty years younger' ?!&*(%$
Finally she agreed she was being obstinate 'like some people I could mention' and my response was 'that's okay, go or don't go, that's your choice, but don't complain about it to me' 'But I'm not complaining' ?!&*(%$
People, I need help here, because as things go, this sort of conversation does neither of us any good at all. Can anyone recommend a suitable book on how to converse with someone with increasing dementia, please? Or online training? I'd be very grateful...
Mrs. S, aware of her own inadequacies
PS. Sarasa, please be aware that the cleaner will be accused of stealing/moving/breaking things! Mercifully Mum's was also a carer for the aged so was used to it...
Mrs S, this is all very frustrating for you. Do you think that if presenting the Dowager with logical argument is so unpalatable, just an anodyne response along the lines of "I'm sorry you're not happy.. . it's awful when that happens" might be less stressful for you both? True, it's not real conversation as we know it, but it meets her on her ground, without agreeing with her specific assertions.
I heard a lovely story about a resident on the dementia ward of a care home, who was convinced that the air-raid sirens were sounding, and so hid, as advised in his childhood during WW2, under the table. He was joined by a member of staff, who sat there with him, and encouraged him to talk about the war The resident eventually decided of his own accord that the emergency was over, and he could come out from under. The care worker met the resident on his own mental ground, so to speak, and shared it with him.
Much easier for a non-relative to do, but possible even for a daughter? Probably nothing will make the complaints go away, but you may be able to deflect the effect on you.
Comments
PM me if there's any specific advice that you don't want to add to a public forum.
There is so much here that is of course beyond our knowledge/ expertise. You're the ne in this situation, were not
Yet it does seem like you're waiting for others to notice your problem and advocate for you when you're not willing to do it for yourself. I'd humbly suggest you not get bogged down with fruitless arguments about who said what years ago. It doesn't matter. What matters is that you no longer wish to have D in your home. I'd just keep repeating that, and go thru the procedure to make that happen
Some people may accuse you of being mean or cold hearted. Mostly just D I think, most are going to see how far you've gone for her. But a few others may be taken in as well. So you may be misjudged
That's uncomfortable. It's not fatal. Just accept it as the potential cost of regaining your life
And thanks, Jacobsen, for your perception.
I'm doing the self-denying ordinance thing again until feedback from the doctor's activity may be appropriate. Which should bypass the matter of my not being next of kin, which stymies a lot of things.
Also - you not being next-of-kin not only stymies lots of things, it should also facilitate you ending this situation.
The only way they conquered their problems was when their significant others stopped enabling their destructive behaviours. Not an easy thing to do, but worth it in the end.
Yes, I will say no more either. All the best PennyS and friends.
Just to say that this situation seems to have been resolved successfully ...I can't post more an this point but will update later. Some money was sent but fortunately not much and the daughters are now in the picture.
Penny S - I don't think I can add anything to what others have said here and elsewhere. You must feel like you are being battered from all sides. However I do think there had been a lot of good advice and I hope you can sort something out. I'll now shut up about it.
I went out with my mother yesterday. My brother is going to book a holiday for her, and I've grudgingly agreed. I really don't think she's capable of going somewhere new on her own. Not only her extremely poor sight, but her poor memory would make her far too dependent on other holiday makers and the rep. However if it makes her happy I'm willing to give it a whirl.
The real worry is she is still convinced the neighbours are stealing things and coming and sitting in her flat when she isn't there. When I found the magnifier she'd mislaid she said they must have bought it back. I couldn't find the pack of nine new loo rolls which is a puzzle, though I'm sure she'd hidden them somewhere so they don't get stolen, and I haven't worked out where yet.
The delusions about stealing don't sound good.
Good news Sparrow. Looking, because I was curious, Age UK list a range of holidays including singles holidays for the over 50s.
I thought of that, but she has a divan that goes down to floor so no room for loo rolls. Her flat is small and I looked in all the obvious cupboards. Her suitacase was out and I didn't look in that, but I'm not goings to schlep over there to find out if thta's where they are!
Yes CK we agreed that we'd make sure there was very good insurance in case she needs rescuing.
Sorry, try the unobvious places i.e. any place big enough to take a pack of loo rolls is a hiding place. Seriously before Mum went into hospital, I could quite easily find napkins in the toolbox.
Jengie
Back at the start of the hoarding porn TV programmes, there was one concerning a retired, solipsistic, narcissitic, demanding and controlling concert pianist with a sense of entitlement. It was very hard to see how she had agreed to, even encouraged, the filming of a situation much, much worse than the one I know. There was no sign of her husband, and I can't remember whether he had died or left, but I would be very surprised if he had not, at some stage, said to his son "It's your job to look after your mother now."*
The daughter had escaped, leaving the son to bear the brunt of a situation which would not allow him to follow any career which would require him to turn up at regular hours. He had to be at her beck and call when she "needed" him. In a house full of stuff and detritus. The daughter turned up occasionally to give her brother some respite. And, of course, having a sibling split the load of duty** somewhat, and gave the son someone to discuss how to approach the situation with.
After our seeing what this woman was like, and what her son did for her, she turned to the camera and told us viciously how her son failed to care for her properly. I could not imagine how she thought this was of benefit to her, unless she was considering the payment from the TV company. I often wonder what has happened since. The son would certainly have a case under coercive control law against her.
As I say, this was very much worse than what I know, and have seen in action, but on the same spectrum. And the son had less spirit and involvement outside than what I know D's son to have - though agreeing to the programme was probably some fightback.
*Knowing where this sort of thing could lead made me very angry when my ex-BiL said that to my nephews when he went off with another woman, but the whole set-up is different, and everything there has worked out well. My sister is very independent, and can mend her own fuses. And chimneys. And toilets. (Though she did need to go out and bump into a plumber who happened to be passing with that one.)
** D wants her son to care for her out of love, not duty.
It never ceases to amaze me how the human brain is set up so that when we want to hide something, it thinks we want to hide it from ourselves as well, and loses the memory. So that if you say to anyone "I put it in a safe place", they know exactly what you mean.
I now tell myself out loud when I put something away like that. And if I'm going away, I write myself a cryptic list and put that somewhere safe. (On my smartphone. As well as paper somewhere.)
But he isn't, from everything you have been able to post -- you are.
I had to explain to the manager exactly how deluded the Dowager was capable of being, which astonished her; I'm sure Mum saves her complaints and extreme dottiness for me, rather as one's children are angelic everywhere else before coming home and auditioning for Worst Kids in the World!
Mrs. S, ruing giving up alcohol for Lent
I listened to her and asked her how she thinks they are gaining access. She seems convinced they have somehow got hold of her keys and are listening out to everything she does. She was talking about having a camera installed, I don't know if that would make things better or worse.
It does sound challenging Mrs S - just over a week of Lent to go and your liver will thank you.
Sounds like an ideal opportunity to get her into somewhere with some support other than you...
Mrs. S, sinking another glass of water
Hmm, maybe.
When our less-than-neighbourly neighbour sold they didn't admit to having made the end of my beloved's life intolerable by things like complaining about ambulances being left in their line-of-sight, blue flashing lights, visiting medics having cars that they could see, etc, etc, etc.
Of course, my old neighbour may have felt that we were the "problem" neighbours?
I'm very sorry about your family's experience with Neighbors From Hell. However Mrs S's idea is a plausible (to Sarasa's mom) story for keeping Mom out of trouble.
In other news, the manager at Care Home 2 has just rung. I spoke to her on Wednesday about the Dowager's delusions, and now she has observed the Dowager more carefully she is sufficiently concerned about the paranoia to have called the GP in (no UTI that they can find).
She has always been rather suspicious and uncharitable, but the last time she was this paranoid was when my Dad died 40 years ago and she had a full-scale breakdown, thinking *They* were spying on her through the electric sockets. My brother attributes his success at learning to wire a plug to the number of them he had to open up to show that there were no listening devices in there
Mrs. S,
Like CK and Mrs S my brother hopes this might be an opportunity to get her into some sort of sheltered palce. I don't have great hopes that she'll be amenable to that, but we shall see.
Sarasa, my grandmother used to "mislay" things, and one of the things that went missing (and was never found) was a packet of pink toilet rolls. My grandparents' bathroom suite was white, with black and white lino tiles on the floor and black and white tiles on two walls. The other two walls were painted orange. I suspect my grandfather had bought the pink rolls, and my grandmother, not wanting a pink / orange mismatch in the bathroom, disposed of them and claimed to have "forgotten" where she had put them.
More dramatic was the time that Gran "mislaid" the chicken that was going to be Sunday lunch. As you can imagine we were all horrified at the idea of a raw chicken being "mislaid" somewhere in the house, and searched thoroughly (under the bed? in the hall cupboard? in the drinks cabinet?) but the chicken never turned up. Best guess is that Gran just couldn't face cooking it, then turning the leftovers into Monday's curry and Tuesday's soup, and had wrapped it, binned it, and feigned forgetfulness.
Another feature of their bathroom was that it had one of those metal boxes which held a cardboard box of Izal Medicated Toilet Paper screwed to the wall. No-one used the Izal of course, but the orange had been painted round the box, so removing it would have necessitated repainting. The toilet roll holder was on the wall behind the toilet. Alas for the North East Man when he started courting me! He failed to notice the toilet roll, or the doll with the knitted dress and thought that the Izal was the only option available....
That was my thought when my daughter announced that exact same color scheme for her wedding-- which was not at Halloween, but rather at Christmastime. It actually looked quite beautiful though-- the black-and-white background making the orange flowers pop. In a bathroom, I think the shade would matter-- a vivid orange would be dreadful but a soft apricot or rust could work.
MMM
Hope that the Dowager Mrs S is not deteriorating too badly - it does sound worrying.
And that Sarasa's mother can be persuaded not to attack her neighbours - dealing with neighbours is such a minefield and anything that upsets that delicate balance is difficult to move on from sensibly.
I phoned mum this afternoon to tell her I've organised a visit to the resource centre of her local association for the blind. The idea is to try out a few aids that might be of help to her. The call did not go well, the list of things the neighbours have stolen or done has grown. they've taken clothes, her watch, a store card and fidled with the door to the bathroom cabinet so it doesn't shut properly. I know its no use to tell her this is all in her imagination, though I do keep on saying I'm puzzlesd as to how they are getting in. She's talking about phoning the police and also about telling the person who owns the next door flat how bad his tennants are when she sees him at the flats' management meeting on Tuesday.
I am stumped as to what to do, though I think I will pop a note in the letter box of said neighbours with my phone number so they can phone me if they do have concerns. I feel this is all going to end very badly.
I mention these things because it seems thjat this paranoia about danger, theft etc may be something your mother has. I think giving her neighbours your number is a good idea and possibly even saying something to them
I dropped a note in the neighbours postbox and she's just phoned me. She seemed pretty understanding and said that other neighbours have been concerned about mum too. She has apparently accused them of picking her pockets.
We were supposed to be going to look at equipment at the nearest resource centre for the blind but after I'd vaccuumed the place and mum had put on her make-up we'd run out of time, so that has been re-arranged. I did get her to agree to a cleaner on a temporary basis, though I guess she'll say she never agreed if I do get one sorted out.
Indeed, one of the most helpful bits of advice I've heard for dealing with parents who are sliding into dementia and prone to all sorts of socially unacceptable behaviors when out in public was to pretend that they were not your relatives. Not to abandon them, but simply, when you're sitting in a restaurant listening to them make racist or sexist remarks to the waitstaff, imagine they are some acquaintance from church you are charitably taking to lunch. You wouldn't feel personally shamed, you might even be amused as you flash the waitstaff one of those "whadaya gonna do? can you believe these folks?" eyerolls. Giving yourself a little emotional distance so your parents' shameless behavioral misdeeds don't become your personal shame.
Now that's all right, but when she started on how they were all enjoying themselves because she wasn't there, we got into a heated argument about the logical inconsistency of them not wanting her, while still sending the NYM along to persuade her to come. She denied the very existence of said NYM, and when I challenged this, saying she'd told me about him only a minute ago, she said 'but they've made him shave his beard off, he looks twenty years younger' ?!&*(%$
Finally she agreed she was being obstinate 'like some people I could mention' and my response was 'that's okay, go or don't go, that's your choice, but don't complain about it to me' 'But I'm not complaining' ?!&*(%$
People, I need help here, because as things go, this sort of conversation does neither of us any good at all. Can anyone recommend a suitable book on how to converse with someone with increasing dementia, please? Or online training? I'd be very grateful...
Mrs. S, aware of her own inadequacies
PS. Sarasa, please be aware that the cleaner will be accused of stealing/moving/breaking things! Mercifully Mum's was also a carer for the aged so was used to it...
I heard a lovely story about a resident on the dementia ward of a care home, who was convinced that the air-raid sirens were sounding, and so hid, as advised in his childhood during WW2, under the table. He was joined by a member of staff, who sat there with him, and encouraged him to talk about the war The resident eventually decided of his own accord that the emergency was over, and he could come out from under. The care worker met the resident on his own mental ground, so to speak, and shared it with him.
Much easier for a non-relative to do, but possible even for a daughter? Probably nothing will make the complaints go away, but you may be able to deflect the effect on you.