I’m doing better. Mum is doing better. I have been refusing to do anything for her when I’m home that she would have to do for herself when I’m at work, and mirabile dictu (*), after a week she has pretty much stopped asking. This is a huge relief. The endless torrent of demands was really wearing me down.
I’ve moved from sleeping downstairs on the couch (so I would be very nearby if she needed me in the night) to sleeping upstairs in the guest room. It is wonderfully helpful to have this private refuge.
Ambos were called again yesterday - fortunately in NZ it's a "free"service. Again AP was not transported, but the ambo arranged a special consultation with AP's Dr. who in turn has arranged, apparently, someone to get her up in the morning.
The issue seems to be that she has lost all strength in her back, to sit up. I am a little surprised that a floor-based over bed hoist wasn't arranged - I'll find out more today - and fear this solution may be mere window dressing. I should know more later today.
Autienreith Road, thanks for the prayers. Dad died some years ago.. mum cared for him at home till she was on point of collapse herself. He then spent some years in nursing home.
Zappa, that is a worry. Hope arrangements can be worked out for care and thatshe accepts them.
I think it's almost in human nature to wait for a crisis: you just muddle along because you can, until suddenly you can't.
In my mum's case, Dad looked after her until she had an awkward fall and he had to get a neighbour to help him lift her: at that point he realised that her care was beyond him and she went into the local geriatric ward.
It took a crisis for Dad to have Mum moved into care because he promised her father he would always look after her ( not to mention his wedding vows). My Dad was always a man of his word, but not always flexible with changing circumstances.
Mum had dementia and kept running away, she "wanted to go home," though she was in the family home where she had lived over 50 years.
When they first visited the care home she turned to him and said, "You've done me proud". He visited her every day until she died.
I actually prayed that my father would have a minor injury or illness, just enough to get Mom to realize she couldn't care for him herself anymore. He fell down a couple of steps and cracked a rib. The paramedics were called and he was taken to the hospital, where it was determined he needed to be in a nursing home. Not a crisis, but just enough of a wake-up call.
I always remember the Dowager's GP, who was an absolute star, telling her, when she was rebelling against having carers come in, that he wished his mother had accepted help with his father. Then the father might not have fallen down the stairs and injured his back so he was partly paralysed.
Hearing it from her respected doctor had a real impact on her.
Prayers for all struggling with care, and thank you all for your kindness and support.
AP has seen the doctor. Only told her selected issues, basically avoiding anything that might be a catlayst for a shift to care. Was able to play down any reference to pain, too, because the ambos had dosed her up on paracetemol and neorofen, so there wan't any.
She has wound back from readiness to face the possibility of respite. So back to square one.
I'm sorry to say that APs, while happy to complain to their nearest and dearest at the slightest thing, have a very strong tendency to put on a brave face and insist everything is just fine, when faced with a professional. Whether this is just a matter of self-respect, or if they are trying to avoid actually having to make changes, I don't know.
My godmother's son once said to me, at her funeral in fact, 'Old people don't like change, even when it's change for the better'. How very true.
@The Intrepid Mrs S hope they sort out what's wrong with the Dowager and she's back in the care home soon. @zappa, its the up and down that I find so wearing. Mum managed to lose her purse on Tuesday. Thorough searches by her friend and me didn't find it, though I'm pretty sure she's hidden it in her flat somewhere. I had to cancel her cards on Wednesday, which confused her and sent her into a strop about how she didn't want to move nearer me. Thursday she phoned up all jolly and happy to come and stay near me for a while. Friday I had a series of more and more confused phone calls where I was accused of leaving with the other woman without saying goodbye, and that she had no money for food (not true). As I was away Saturday I asked her friend to go over and take her out for lunch. She's not got back yet on how that went.
In other news mum claims to have gone drinking with a group of random blokes in the pub next door again. I'm not sure if this is connected to the lost purse incident or not.
Roll on Wednesday. I was telling a friend about mum moving to a home, and he had a story about a relative being taken to stay in a home, and arriving when a coffin was being taken out and refusing to go in. Hope nothing similar happens to us.
It's just such a strain, isn't it? One day everything is fine, the next they're at their 'lowest ebb' - a favourite phrase of the Dowager's. @Sarasa , @Zappa , @Autenrieth Road I hope you are holding it together.
We had to be in church this morning as Mr. S was doing the laptop and I was singing with the worship band. This made it hard to pick up the phone when the hospital phoned (call me hard-hearted, but I have been here too many times to leap into the car and drive madly off in all directions). Luckily - as I couldn't call them back - the doctor called again during the sermon so I could sneak out and take the call.
Apparently there was nothing overtly wrong this time that fluids wouldn't cure, but she is on a definite downward spiral, lurching from one course of antibiotics to the next. I can't see this going on very long.
In other - and better - news, I did at least get a sense of being lifted in prayer during one of the songs, so clearly that's where I was meant to be this morning.
One old lady near us broke her pelvis, and came home from hospital to be cared for by her four daughters in a sort of tag team. As the end approached, the eldest (a nurse) said to her 'You might last another night, Mum, but the rest of us can't!'. She died that night <eeek>
Sorry to hear of the Dowager's decline Mrs S.
I'm sitting on the train with a large and heavy pink suitcase full of mum's clothes to take to the home tomorrow.mum is totally confused by what's happening so I just make soothing noises and hope she doesn't start getting cross about it all.
Well I got mum to the home OK, but when she realised where she was, she was not happy to say the least. I thought for a moment the home were going to ask me to take her away, but she calmed down and fingers crossed she will finally settle. I phoned this morning and will do the same tomorrow. She wants to talk to me, but I don't think that is a good idea just yet as she'll only be cross and then the home will have to calm her down all over again.
We are off on holiday on Saturday, so I couldn't visit even if I wanted to, and I couldn't go today or tomorrow as I'm looking after my nephew so my sister in law can work while my brother is still in hospital. Too many things all at once.
At least the home agree with us that she can't live o her own any more.
And at least your mother is safe and cared for while you're dealing with your brother's operation and your sister-in-law can keep going. Good news she's in a home, however much she hates it. She's just going to have to get used to it.
Oh, @The Intrepid Mrs S and @Sarasa and @Autenrieth Road etc ... so common a journey. A quiet week on my AP's front ... my brother is visiting her today so I shall await updates. She always summonses hidden pockets of strength when he's around so his reports are always glowing about how amazing she is (yes ... but) ... still, she does seem to have had a bit of a rebound for a few days.
I often noticed that surge of energy when I visited Dad. The first time I wondered if my brothers were exaggerating their reports, then I realized he was making a special effort.
Exactly so, @Huia - they are so used to us that they don't bother. It's a variant on the 'golden boy' syndrome (sorry, but it is usually a boy who is the favoured child while his sister does all the hard yards!)
Used to drive me crazy, @Zappa , when all these people were going on about how amazing The Dowager was and I would think to myself 'yes, well, without me she'd be a starving wreck in a filthy house'. Unworthy, I know.
@Sarasa, I was so lucky that she was lucid enough to understand when the doctor told her she couldn't live on her own. She didn't like it, but she could still understand then. Now she doesn't recall anything different...
Next big breakthrough needed if for Dad just needs to remember to feel the seat edge with the back of his knees before he sits down. He will have far fewer falls if he does this.
Dad just needs to remember to feel the seat edge with the back of his knees before he sits down.
Unfortunately that is probably something that needs to be learned at a much earlier stage, so that it becomes a habit.
I used to try to teach that at the care home I worked at years ago - not so much to the residents, but to the care staff, as they were doing the assisting all day long. Not that they took much notice - nor of the way I tried to get them to use to avoid hurting their backs when assisting the residents to get up out of their chairs.
It is so much easier if the seated person edges to the front of the chair and tucks their feet back so they are under the body. So much easier on both parties than hauling someone (or being hauled) forward and up.
Even before needing help rising, this method gives better balance once upright, as I am finding myself, now that I am getting stiff and achey in the joints.
I am mostly a serial lurker and note with considerable trepidation that its comcerms are well on the way to being relevant to mine. My mum has suffered from a baffled pressured melancholy that I would tend to call depression for the last thirty and some years. Probably for much of her life. Anyway, combined with the effect of an accident that smashed her cheekbone into her face and therefore her brain and a complete post retirement slump, she is slowly shutting down psychologically and shutting out huge parts of the world and life, including that which is going on around her. It has already wrecked her relationship with my sister and I'm not sure what is next. I'm the one who sweeps in from a distance and revives her from time to time, and that feels like an increasingly vampiric process. I'm equally afraid of what the future will bring for all of us. And filled with the fear that the day is coming when this future will crystallise.
I don't know what to say, except that here is a wonderful safe place to rant and grumble, without fear of condemnation. And full of empathy, support and love to help you as you navigate your path through what lies ahead.
Mrs. S, commenting that it's hard to be cheerful enough for two people!
@Thunderbunk, As @The Intrepid Mrs S I don't know what to say, but you have my sympathy. I hate the waiting around for the next crisis to happen, wondering if it will be a (the) big one.
I went to see mum yesterday for the first time. She still hasn't really settled, in fact the home phoned me this afternoon to say she managed to get out of a fire escape door but they persuaded her back in. That is a pain as when (if) she does there are lots of outings she'd enjoy but at present they aren't risking her leaving the building. She thought I was going to take her home, but wasn't too upset when I said I wasn't. I'm going down there is lots of building work going on, you'd don't want to be there route on that one.
I've also cancelled the holiday and am now trying to gather the evidence to put in an insurance claim. Hope to get that sorted in a day or two. Mum doesn't know yet, again I think I'm going to be lying and say it's been postponed.
I'm going again tomorrow, as after I saw her yesterday I went over to her place to start sorting stuff out ahead of the sale of her flat being completed. t was a useful visit I managed to see one of her friends and explain what had happened to mum. I couldn't tell this friend ahead of time as I didn't trust her not to tell mum, and leave a card and plant for the long suffering neighbours to apologise for mum's behaviour towards them. Still a scary amount of stuff to do though.
Thinking of us all on this rocky path.
Thank you for your kindness. I shall continue praying for everyone whose lives are affected by the issues aired in here, and probably be back to vent as my own process unfolds....
Good that Mrs Z is in a relatively up mood.
My mother is still hating being in a home, 'people think I'm mad and they won't let me out', but is being less aggressive about it. I've been dreading making up all sorts of excuses as to why the cruise we were supposed to start next Sunday isn't gong to happen. However on Friday mum asked me if I'd liked the cruise and said she thought it was OK but she'd prefer to go by herself next time. Hope that delusion lasts.
This is a rant!
Mum was in a total rage about everything yesterday when I dropped off some toiletries. . She kept on ranting about how unkind I was to put her in the home, how she hated it etc. etc. I walked out, but a carer who has obviously been working very hard with mum, got me back and I took mum to the coffee bar for a drink. On the way back to her floor, she started again and carer again came and tried to calm her down. Mum wants out, and the carer was saying all the different places nearby she could go for a change, and that I could take her. We agreed, but not before I tried to point out how concerned I was when she was living on her own. I wasn't on my own she said, you were there and your dad. I haven't lived with her since I was a teenager and my dad died twenty years OK. Deep breath, ignored that and said I'd come over on Friday with a choice of three cafes she could go out and visit.
Today the same carer put mum on the phone. She was raging about how she hadn't given permission for her flat to be sold, she was going back there tonight, etc etc. Carer intervened to say remind her you are coming over and going out for coffee. Did that and she magically calmed down. I have the horrible feeling she's only understood the 'out' bit of that sentence and if I do take her out, getting her back will be tricky.
As far as I'm aware there isn't a Deprivation of Liberty safeguarding order in place yet, and I'm really worried that mum will get her way and be allowed to return home. The home keep on assuring me that isn't the case and that she obviously can't live independently any more, but she can sound pretty persuasive and she is obviously deeply unhappy. I know she'd be equally unhappy at home, but it is tough.
I am now sitting here feeling thoroughly miserable that I'm chucking her money at something she hates, but that I had no other option.
In better news I saw my brother at the weekend (who my mum thought was called Liam, he isn't) and although still very ill and frail is getting better.
I get your rant. The thing is, you are responding as if she is as she was not as she is. Switch your gears a bit to think of what you want at the end, a peaceful content Mum. You can't reason with people who are in the middle of this disease - logical outcomes don't make any sense - you are not going to get her to say, "Yes, you are right, this is the best place for me now." Much as you feel you need her to say that, it is beyond her. If she had physical ailments and was not facing them, you could do that. Thinking of the outcome you want, tell her what she wants to hear but without truly lying. It is a technique and you will get better at it. Thank goodness the care worker is leading you. For instance, when she is ranting, agree with her. Tell her that you are with her and distract her with another topic that is related - like you were out the other day to a lovely cafe and had strawberries, which you know she loves and wondered what she is going to wear when you both go out next to get some. Let the conversation be diverted as much as you can. Even write down the topics next to your phone so that you are ready with some ideas. Things to bring into the care home to dress up her room, a new cream or soap you saw and wondered if she had tried it or something you are thinking of cooking and ask her advice on how it is done. It is a trial, yes, for both of you, but you have the level head and the ability to make it easier on her and thereby on you. Sorry to be so prescriptive or even positive. I've watched people who are full of "behaviours" as they would say in the care home be redirected ingeniously by the staff. Sometimes it is really hard but then the magic words come out and things change. Yes, medication and a care plan can help but not trying to reason or explain as if she is going to get it is the start. Blessings on everyone dealing with aging parents. Would that mine were still living so that I could have such troubles. Sigh.
... and if you can at all, at all, find someone--ideally several someones--who will say to you precisely what you wish your mother would say, right after you've had to interact with her. Even though you know it already. Hearing "She's in the best place for her" and "You've done everything possible" and "You are a good daughter" and so forth, can be such a comfort--even when you already know it.
Comments
I’m doing better. Mum is doing better. I have been refusing to do anything for her when I’m home that she would have to do for herself when I’m at work, and mirabile dictu (*), after a week she has pretty much stopped asking. This is a huge relief. The endless torrent of demands was really wearing me down.
I’ve moved from sleeping downstairs on the couch (so I would be very nearby if she needed me in the night) to sleeping upstairs in the guest room. It is wonderfully helpful to have this private refuge.
(*) “wonderful to relate”
The issue seems to be that she has lost all strength in her back, to sit up. I am a little surprised that a floor-based over bed hoist wasn't arranged - I'll find out more today - and fear this solution may be mere window dressing. I should know more later today.
Zappa, that is a worry. Hope arrangements can be worked out for care and thatshe accepts them.
In my mum's case, Dad looked after her until she had an awkward fall and he had to get a neighbour to help him lift her: at that point he realised that her care was beyond him and she went into the local geriatric ward.
Mum had dementia and kept running away, she "wanted to go home," though she was in the family home where she had lived over 50 years.
When they first visited the care home she turned to him and said, "You've done me proud". He visited her every day until she died.
Hearing it from her respected doctor had a real impact on her.
Prayers for all struggling with care, and thank you all for your kindness and support.
She has wound back from readiness to face the possibility of respite. So back to square one.
My godmother's son once said to me, at her funeral in fact, 'Old people don't like change, even when it's change for the better'. How very true.
Mrs. S, collector of helpful phrases
Lord have mercy
@zappa, its the up and down that I find so wearing. Mum managed to lose her purse on Tuesday. Thorough searches by her friend and me didn't find it, though I'm pretty sure she's hidden it in her flat somewhere. I had to cancel her cards on Wednesday, which confused her and sent her into a strop about how she didn't want to move nearer me. Thursday she phoned up all jolly and happy to come and stay near me for a while. Friday I had a series of more and more confused phone calls where I was accused of leaving with the other woman without saying goodbye, and that she had no money for food (not true). As I was away Saturday I asked her friend to go over and take her out for lunch. She's not got back yet on how that went.
In other news mum claims to have gone drinking with a group of random blokes in the pub next door again. I'm not sure if this is connected to the lost purse incident or not.
Roll on Wednesday. I was telling a friend about mum moving to a home, and he had a story about a relative being taken to stay in a home, and arriving when a coffin was being taken out and refusing to go in. Hope nothing similar happens to us.
We had to be in church this morning as Mr. S was doing the laptop and I was singing with the worship band. This made it hard to pick up the phone when the hospital phoned (call me hard-hearted, but I have been here too many times to leap into the car and drive madly off in all directions). Luckily - as I couldn't call them back - the doctor called again during the sermon so I could sneak out and take the call.
Apparently there was nothing overtly wrong this time that fluids wouldn't cure, but she is on a definite downward spiral, lurching from one course of antibiotics to the next. I can't see this going on very long.
In other - and better - news, I did at least get a sense of being lifted in prayer during one of the songs, so clearly that's where I was meant to be this morning.
One old lady near us broke her pelvis, and came home from hospital to be cared for by her four daughters in a sort of tag team. As the end approached, the eldest (a nurse) said to her 'You might last another night, Mum, but the rest of us can't!'. She died that night <eeek>
Mrs. S, awaiting further news.
I'm sitting on the train with a large and heavy pink suitcase full of mum's clothes to take to the home tomorrow.mum is totally confused by what's happening so I just make soothing noises and hope she doesn't start getting cross about it all.
We are off on holiday on Saturday, so I couldn't visit even if I wanted to, and I couldn't go today or tomorrow as I'm looking after my nephew so my sister in law can work while my brother is still in hospital. Too many things all at once.
At least the home agree with us that she can't live o her own any more.
Used to drive me crazy, @Zappa , when all these people were going on about how amazing The Dowager was and I would think to myself 'yes, well, without me she'd be a starving wreck in a filthy house'. Unworthy, I know.
@Sarasa, I was so lucky that she was lucid enough to understand when the doctor told her she couldn't live on her own. She didn't like it, but she could still understand then. Now she doesn't recall anything different...
Mrs. S, sending up prayers for all
Gentle hugs for all caring for an AP.
I used to try to teach that at the care home I worked at years ago - not so much to the residents, but to the care staff, as they were doing the assisting all day long. Not that they took much notice - nor of the way I tried to get them to use to avoid hurting their backs when assisting the residents to get up out of their chairs.
It is so much easier if the seated person edges to the front of the chair and tucks their feet back so they are under the body. So much easier on both parties than hauling someone (or being hauled) forward and up.
Even before needing help rising, this method gives better balance once upright, as I am finding myself, now that I am getting stiff and achey in the joints.
Also it will be a habit if I live long enough to get to that stage.
I don't know what to say, except that here is a wonderful safe place to rant and grumble, without fear of condemnation. And full of empathy, support and love to help you as you navigate your path through what lies ahead.
Mrs. S, commenting that it's hard to be cheerful enough for two people!
I went to see mum yesterday for the first time. She still hasn't really settled, in fact the home phoned me this afternoon to say she managed to get out of a fire escape door but they persuaded her back in. That is a pain as when (if) she does there are lots of outings she'd enjoy but at present they aren't risking her leaving the building. She thought I was going to take her home, but wasn't too upset when I said I wasn't. I'm going down there is lots of building work going on, you'd don't want to be there route on that one.
I've also cancelled the holiday and am now trying to gather the evidence to put in an insurance claim. Hope to get that sorted in a day or two. Mum doesn't know yet, again I think I'm going to be lying and say it's been postponed.
I'm going again tomorrow, as after I saw her yesterday I went over to her place to start sorting stuff out ahead of the sale of her flat being completed. t was a useful visit I managed to see one of her friends and explain what had happened to mum. I couldn't tell this friend ahead of time as I didn't trust her not to tell mum, and leave a card and plant for the long suffering neighbours to apologise for mum's behaviour towards them. Still a scary amount of stuff to do though.
Thinking of us all on this rocky path.
My mother is still hating being in a home, 'people think I'm mad and they won't let me out', but is being less aggressive about it. I've been dreading making up all sorts of excuses as to why the cruise we were supposed to start next Sunday isn't gong to happen. However on Friday mum asked me if I'd liked the cruise and said she thought it was OK but she'd prefer to go by herself next time. Hope that delusion lasts.
Mum was in a total rage about everything yesterday when I dropped off some toiletries. . She kept on ranting about how unkind I was to put her in the home, how she hated it etc. etc. I walked out, but a carer who has obviously been working very hard with mum, got me back and I took mum to the coffee bar for a drink. On the way back to her floor, she started again and carer again came and tried to calm her down. Mum wants out, and the carer was saying all the different places nearby she could go for a change, and that I could take her. We agreed, but not before I tried to point out how concerned I was when she was living on her own. I wasn't on my own she said, you were there and your dad. I haven't lived with her since I was a teenager and my dad died twenty years OK. Deep breath, ignored that and said I'd come over on Friday with a choice of three cafes she could go out and visit.
Today the same carer put mum on the phone. She was raging about how she hadn't given permission for her flat to be sold, she was going back there tonight, etc etc. Carer intervened to say remind her you are coming over and going out for coffee. Did that and she magically calmed down. I have the horrible feeling she's only understood the 'out' bit of that sentence and if I do take her out, getting her back will be tricky.
As far as I'm aware there isn't a Deprivation of Liberty safeguarding order in place yet, and I'm really worried that mum will get her way and be allowed to return home. The home keep on assuring me that isn't the case and that she obviously can't live independently any more, but she can sound pretty persuasive and she is obviously deeply unhappy. I know she'd be equally unhappy at home, but it is tough.
I am now sitting here feeling thoroughly miserable that I'm chucking her money at something she hates, but that I had no other option.
In better news I saw my brother at the weekend (who my mum thought was called Liam, he isn't) and although still very ill and frail is getting better.