Take comfort, @Robert Armin - you are a good and caring son and you must tell yourself so, every day.
It might be possible for her to have some medication to counteract this unreasonable anxiety - I'm sure one of the Dowager's Little Blue Pills is for just such a purpose.
And @jedijudy - you are also a good and caring daughter and may have saved untold lives by your action. Well done <notworthy>
Not the only one by a mile. Having a sister who is much more able to get and more organised than me and thus takes on the burden of managing the situation, I not only worry about being a bad daughter but also being a bad sister as well.
I am going through the sage of my father's slippers at present. Last time I was there they asked me to get him a size smaller in slippers. His feet are less swollen than when he was at home. I got them. Then he started complaining that they were tight but now he is finding he can walk fine in them and they are not uncomfortable. We may be making progress.
@jedijudy- well done for getting your father to sell the car. I'm glad mum never learned as I'm sure I'd have had battles over that. @Robert Armin it might be worth cutting down your visits so your mum starts to settle in her new home rather than looking to you to do things. Mind you I haven't worked out what's best with my mum yet.
Sarasa, the question of how often I should visit is troubling me. Currently I give myself one day off a week, for my own sake, and feel guilty about not being there.
A man down the street from them bought the car for his grandson to drive back and forth to college. Dad didn't count the cash, just trusted that it was genuine hundred dollar bills in the correct amount!
LOL! Monday when I picked Mom up for a doctor's appointment, Dad told me that the purchaser of his car shorted him $500. Dad was not happy, but not inclined to do anything about it. After I fumed for a few minutes, I decided to try the catching flies with honey method.
I was taking Dad to the bank to deposit most of the car money. On the way, I stopped at the purchaser's home and with a big smile on my face, told him there had been a minor mistake and that the amount was short $500. He feigned the surprised look, invited us in, and got the rest of the money for Dad. So, he saved face, I got Dad his money and we all pretended it was a simple mistake.
As we left, Dad told me he would never have had the guts to do that himself. This is why I'm my parents' advocate. And very glad to be.
PS Who the hell has $500 just lying around the house? It makes you wonder if he wasn't trying it on, to see if he could dupe an elderly gentleman, and having discovered he couldn't, thought, "sod it, I'll have to pay up after all".
Sarasa, the question of how often I should visit is troubling me. Currently I give myself one day off a week, for my own sake, and feel guilty about not being there.
Have you asked the staff at the home what they think about this?
Daily visits?
My sister is in a care home for the elderly with mental health problems.
Sometimes a visitor is ignored, or shouted at, or she is talking rubbish, or once in a while, a good conversation takes place.
Her son who lives 5 miles away visits when he can, about every three weeks, maybe more. He has a f/t job, a wife and three young children, an allotment and several pets.
Her daughter lives 70 miles away, has a p/t job p, a dog and a toddler. She visits about every four to six weeks.
I live about 25 miles away. I am retired, with no pets, two voluntary jobs and two choirs. I visit about once every 8 weeks.
None of us feels guilty. It is how it is. I hope this helps not hinders.
Sarasa, the question of how often I should visit is troubling me. Currently I give myself one day off a week, for my own sake, and feel guilty about not being there.
That seems a lot to me - IMHO for the sake of your sanity you can cut it down without guilt
Piglet, you have stated exactly what we were thinking. Considering Dad is only about 5 feet and 116 pounds, I believe the man (about six feet and 250+ pounds) figured he had nothing to lose.
I suspect the $500 was in his pocket during the transaction, and if I wouldn't have been terribly sick and not thinking clearly, I would have drawn up a bill of sale and counted the money in front of both men. I suspect in that case, the 'mistake' would have been discovered, the money (oh! there it is! sorry about that!) handed over and faces would have been saved.
What Piglet said - that is truly heartbreaking. Robert, is she on any medication? The Community Psychiatric Nurse visits the Dowager's home to assess patients' mental state,and that might be a good start.
I'm off to see her today and hope she is still cheerful, but I find even that quite hard enough. I'm ashamed to say that it has been some years now since visiting her has been anything but a chore, and how sad is that?
Anyway, prayers and good wishes for all of us with similar issues - Sarasa and Jengie Jon spring to mind, but there are so many others.
Robert Armin, yes, it is distressing. Madame's father had senile dementia and while the illness was progressing he went through the stage you describe. It sounds strange, but it's good as the illness develops a fair way; with so little processing able to be done, a stage of calm and peace settles in.
... I'm ashamed to say that it has been some years now since visiting her has been anything but a chore ...
No need to feel ashamed, Mrs. S - it was the same with my mum for at least five years before she died, when we didn't even really know whether she was aware of us or not.
A bit less than a year before Dad died, my sister more-or-less decreed that I ought to go over and see him; and I'm ashamed to say that I resisted, until she dangled the carrot of going up during the St. Magnus Festival, which she and I did, and actually rather enjoyed ourselves. By that time Dad was almost continually asleep, and visits were generally no longer than half an hour, so it was a bit less of a strain.
If you're visiting at all, you're probably doing a lot better than many a daughter or son.
I continually read this thread. It's awfully hard to contribute. It's nice to know others are dealing with similar things. I've some other difficult family members too. One sib has lived in a Chinese part of Asia for 30 years, and randomly shows up every year or two. The last I heard of this one was a Facebook post which suggested that he married somebody the age of his neices my daughters (ew yuck). Well we had 3 days warning this time to get organized. We kept him overnight, thanked him for providing respite for us. Thankful he came alone. He's staying overnight in my father's assisted living guest suite. So far he's attended one medical appointment with my blind father and will go to the next one next week. We just did this by assumption, or shall I say my wife did. "Glad you're here, here's your list of things to do for your father." I'm restraining my urge to call (very hard) and accepting my daughter's spin on it: a chance for them to have bonding time. -- thou guilt, get thee behind me!
@Robert Armin , I am sorry to hear you and your family are going through this. While my mother did not have dementia, she did have a fast bout of terminal cancer and several times she asked us, "But what will I do?", as if to say but that can't be all there is. We deflected it and never really did get to where we talked about her diagnosis too much. With my dad, who got blindsided by a fast moving cancer last summer and became quite despairing and a little grumpy, the family dr suggested he try Ritalin. Apparently, in adults, it acts the opposite to what it does in children and it brightened him up and gave him a respite from the sadness. It acts immediately and comes to its full effect in a few days. It is used in lots of people who have depression/anxiety from cancer's physical effect on the hormones that keep mental health on an even keel.
I had only heard of anti-depressants, most of which take a couple of months to come to full effect and cause other side effects. Dad was more than willing to try out the Ritalin and we were all delighted with the outcome. I'm wondering if a skilled physician could help out your mom with something like this? We certainly had no idea that it was even available as a treatment. It helped our family immensely to know that Dad was able to be content despite the known outcome of his illness. Offering this mainly to say that asking for medical help may help you.
Admins - not meaning to give medical advice here - suggesting to involve drs who specialize in this type of thing. And also editing to say that we had some light moments when dad would tell people that he was taking that medicine that they give to the bad kids. He was always proud to be quite a character!
@Robert Armin , there is at least one person in mum's home who is constantly asking for help. The carers use distraction and reassurance to try and keep her calm. I think it must be something to do with knowing that things are awry and not being sure how to cope with it. The world must look like a very scary place to someone with dementia.
Today I thought mum had settled enough to take her on the bus to get her hair done at my hairdressers and then on another bus into town to do a bit of shopping and have lunch. Mum is still very mobile and very chatty, even if she needs a bit of help getting on and off buses and her chat doesn't make a lot of sense. She tends to talk quite quietly and wander from topic to topic, which probably means she is actually making more sense than I think she is, as being deaf, I tend to miss vital links as she goes from one subject to the next. I often find visiting a chore, and while she was at home there was also the whole fire fighting aspect of her care too. Today's visit was almost as much fun as we had twenty odd years ago.
Good to know Sarasa.
Regularly reading this thread and recalling the struggles with Mr Bee’s Dad, my heart goes out to you all.
My Mum has aged since marrying again; she used to have such a youthful attitude but has taken on his attitudes. Well, she is in her mid 80s. Still very independent but there are now concerns about her driving.
My mother lived with my sister when she was declining. Shortly before it was determined that my sister could not leave her home alone while she (sister) went to work, my mother wrote on a piece of paper "Help!" and held it up to the window. Since they lived on the 16th floor of a high rise, no one noticed nor could read it. My sister never knew what caused her to do this. Mom could call my sister at work, she could call the office where she lived -- she could have just walked out of the apartment.
@Sarasa that is excellent news, I am thrilled to hear it The sense of peace when you realise that the fire-fighting is someone else's problem now is indescribable!
The Dowager looked amazing when I visited on Thursday - she could easily pass for someone twenty years younger. Sadly her mind does not match up, and the visit was hard work, but she was delighted to see me and once we worked out that she could hear much better with her left ear, we did okay for a while.
Then her faithful ex-next door neighbour arrived - he visits twice a week, bless him - and she got a bit tetchy because she could only hear about half what was being said; but we couldn't *both* speak into her left ear!
De-cluttering of her house continues, and I have located a new home for her hats: a lady at church who always wears one! She was thrilled with the offer, so we'll be coming back with a car-load of hats next time
Not an AP, but my brother with Parkinson's who will be 68 on August 11. I will be flying up to for his birthday. The care home where he lives have said he needs a new wheelchair costing several thousand dollars, according to my nephew who rang me today. Fortunately that brother has the money to pay for it (none of the rest of us could). It brought it home to me, yet again that Parkinson's is degenerative. I never really know how he will be when I see him, which is part of the reason I dread going. At the same time I feel guilty I don't go more often.
Thank you for all the kind messages. Does anyone else find their faith tested by all this stuff? Mum has been a faithful Christian for years now, and was one of the first Anglican women priests. Where is the peace of God for her? Why is she suffering like this? Somehow I can cope with things going wrong in my own life more easily than I can with things going wrong in hers.
Thank you for all the kind messages. Does anyone else find their faith tested by all this stuff? Mum has been a faithful Christian for years now, and was one of the first Anglican women priests. Where is the peace of God for her? Why is she suffering like this? Somehow I can cope with things going wrong in my own life more easily than I can with things going wrong in hers.
Yes, my Mum had severe dementia for six years. She had been a faithful, lovely Christian all her life.
My faith was sorely tested.
Her final two weeks were very distressing indeed but, at the same time, I felt God’s presence holding us all tight.
But my view of God has been forever changed due to that time in our lives. I have a much thinner thread of faith than I did before.
Thank you for all the kind messages. Does anyone else find their faith tested by all this stuff? Mum has been a faithful Christian for years now, and was one of the first Anglican women priests. Where is the peace of God for her? Why is she suffering like this? Somehow I can cope with things going wrong in my own life more easily than I can with things going wrong in hers.
These things are so hard to watch. It may well be that as a woman of faith your mother would not expect any special favours from God regarding old age and the winding down of the body, but because you love her you want/expect it for her. Part of what is hard is that you can no longer discuss this with her. It is not wrong to pray for her release even if it comes in death.
My mother was also a woman of faith. She was ready to die several years before she actually did, knowing there was something better ahead. I don't blame God. I blame society and medicine, who wouldn't let her go when she wanted to.
Thank you for all the kind messages. Does anyone else find their faith tested by all this stuff? Mum has been a faithful Christian for years now, and was one of the first Anglican women priests. Where is the peace of God for her? Why is she suffering like this? Somehow I can cope with things going wrong in my own life more easily than I can with things going wrong in hers.
These things are so hard to watch. It may well be that as a woman of faith your mother would not expect any special favours from God regarding old age and the winding down of the body, but because you love her you want/expect it for her. Part of what is hard is that you can no longer discuss this with her. It is not wrong to pray for her release even if it comes in death.
In theory I don't think God plays favourites, and gives preferential treatment to people of faith. In practice I want an exception made for my mum!
I wonder what to write here, partly because the struggle with me is not just to deal with my own theological murmurings on the topic but to try and help my father cope with both my Mum's and his own decline. One of the mercies of my mother being in the later stages of Alzheimer's is that I can assume she does not get too much troubled about judgement day as she seems unable to hold two consecutive thoughts together. My sister and I take slightly different theological stances.
I, first of all, step back and own that all humans are four-dimensional beings at least as far as this existence goes. If God loves my Mum, it is not just the batty elderly women with a frayed personality she now is, but the entire person from bawling infant, little sister, through awkward schoolgirl, to office junior, mission secretary, wife, mother of two daughters, church administrator extraordinaire, church treasurer, a friend of many etc. Somehow God knows and loves all these different facets as part of a whole. When we get to the new creation we will, at last, be able to see the full person of our loved ones as God has always seen them.
The second was that I have come across The Stature of Waiting which connects Christ's Passion not so much with the crucifixion but with the handing over and Christ becoming someone who things happen to, rather than someone who does things. In such this connects with the deterioration we see in those around us who are frail elderly. They, therefore, carry something of the image of Christ by virtue of the decay rather than in spite of it.
No not answers, just the distant cry of sea birds and a half-imagined echoes of waves breaking on a rocky host that recall the memory of firm ground.
FWIW (not much maybe) my sister had a particularly nasty decline and death which we now suspect was due to some odd genetic reactions to common pain and psychiatric drugs. We found out about them through specialized genetic testing (too late to do her any good, I'm afraid). I'm planning on talking to her boys about it when I see them next for fear they may be wondering the same thing you are (i.e. where was the peace of God and etc.) because a sucky-sucky-sucky medicine mismatch can have some really odd behavioral results. PM me if you want to know more, as I don't want to look like a shill for the genetic company.
Tomorrow a mental health nurse and a GP are meeting my mum to assess her. I've been asked to be there too, so that I can give some background. (And today my sister has announced she wants to visit mum - for the third time in 10 weeks. Of course she can turn up whenever she wants, but I really hope she's not there at the same time, as I think it would make a complicated situation even more confusing.)
My hope is that something useful will come out of this. Mum has moved from crying, "Help me, I pray," to,"Help me to pray. I don't know how to pray." However, I don't know if she is actually asking about prayer, or simply latching onto the word; I've gone through the Lord's Prayer with her (which must be the "right" answer to the question) but it doesn't help. Whatever she's asking for, it is very depressing to have her repeatedly asking for help, and being unable to give it.
Praying for you and your mum @Robert Armin . I hope the meeting today is helpful and there are good suggestions about how to make your mother less anxious.
After the good time on Friday, yesterday's visit to mum wasn't so positive. She is STILL wanting to leave, her latest idea is to write a letter explaining why. It was obvious from our trip out on Friday she can no longer live independently and that has already been agreed by social workers and the doctor too, so no way anyone would let her try. However her reasoning does have some logic to it Not her insistence that she was happy in her previous flat and could manage fine, that hasn't been true for several years though mum doesn't remember that. Her other points have some validity though. Some of the other residents are challenging, though in different ways to mum, and I can see they annoy her. The food isn't what she likes, and I must admit on yesterday's showing it doesn't look great. The home has a good reputation for its activities, but those seem to be for a chosen few and mum would be heaps better if she was taken out more. I spent some time raising the points about food and activities with a member of staff and I hope something comes of that. I've promised to take her out for lunch on Friday so hopefully that will cheer her up
I am grateful for this thread. I ache with you all in your struggles and concerns and I pray frequently for you Robert Armin, Sarasa, Jengie Jon, Huia, The Intrepid Mrs S, and NOprophet_NØprofit. You have all (and so many others) been mentioned frequently in my God bothering.)
One of the things that helps me is that you all know so much of what I'm beginning to go through. It's been going on for years, but so many of you are dealing with more stressful situations.
My sister has often told me that when I need a break, she will come down and stay with our parents. Therefore, when my BFF asked me to visit her in the opposite end of the country, I accepted, knowing that S would be here to look after the 'rents! Little did I know that she didn't mean that she would be here the whole time I was gone. I left on Friday (came back 12 days later), and she arrived the following Tuesday afternoon, and left Friday afternoon. So, she was with them two whole days, and two half days. I was somewhat gratified (shame on me) that she had several opportunities to experience some of what I deal with on an almost daily basis. She dealt with scam telephone calls, unknown bills, a call from a new and unknown doctor and all that goes with that, Mom losing stuff and not understanding that she needed those things, Dad declaring his intention to ride his three-wheel bike across a crazy busy highway...you know, the normal things. My sister was ready to cry and told my daughter she didn't know how I took care of all those things week after week. Which is exactly why I'm glad it's me taking care of Mom and Dad, and not my sister.
I am glad for her help, but next year, if I get invited to Oregon again, I can't go. It's just too long to leave Mom and Dad on their own.
Oh @Robert Armin, my heart goes out to her and you, though I can add nothing to what others have said. God be with you. God is with you, but it hurts.
By contrast Mrs Zappa is bouncing resiliently back in her 98th year, and I am gobsmacked once again. Because I can't get up to her in this strange bifurcated nation we chat by phone a couple of times a week, and she is sounding strong each time ... and by and large in better spirits. Even my sister's reports are increasingly positive, and my brother is sure she walks on water in her spare time.
So I'm partly sorry to post optimistically in this darkened place, but sometimes I hope it's helpful to share moments of light.
No no, @Zappa , we need these moments of joy. To think otherwise is to deny the truth.
The Dowager seemed really well when I visited this morning. She was delighted to see me, and we had a long conversation about memory. I was telling her about the brain scans which show how memory moves from short- to long-term memory, and she was telling me how lovely it was to hand on a ball of memories but we understood each other, perhaps better than for some time.
There were some less positive bits, too, like 'I never see Mr. S, what's the rift in the family?' I can't really tell her how hard he finds it to be confused by her with other people, and to have to sit while she talks to me about people he doesn't know...
...and the supervisory nurse said that after lunch, it's as if someone flips a switch and she becomes didactic and demanding - 'I want that moved NOW! Have you finished that marking yet?' - and wants to go to bed, and so on, and so on. I told her, that's why I come in the morning, I'm not stupid!
JJ, is there any sort of respite care place your mum and dad could go, to give you a break? My late grandfather was physically disabled from an early age (possibly MS, although we're not sure: in those days - early 1930s - it was a sort of catch-all term for physical disability) and he used to go somewhere so that Granny could get a break, when she'd come up to us in Orkney.
Piglet, I would actually love to take my parents with me! Mom won't leave her cats. :rolleyes:
Even if she would leave the cats, none of us could afford the cost of a place, even temporarily. So, that's a great suggestion, but not something doable in our circumstances.
Mom has a surgery coming up soon. We'll see the new surgeon next week to find out what needs to be done and when we can do it. Since it causes intermittent significant pain, the sooner the better. The good thing about Alzheimer's, Mom doesn't remember the details of what is going on, nor the fact that she'll have the first major surgery of her life. It's saving her (and us) a lot of stress.
Zappa, good to hear that Mrs Zappa is doing so well, and that the Dowager was on good form yesterday. @Robert Armin - I hope your mother is more settled. @jedijudy - Sorry your sister was such a wash-out at carrying for your parents, but at least she'll have more idea of what you are doing for them. I hope the surgery goes well and your mother soon forgets all about it.
The worst bit of visiting mum is leaving her, as that's when she gets most upset. So much so that I sometimes wonder if it would be better for her if I didn't visit at all. Thoughts?
It is hard. I always used to visit my Nan just before meal times. Then, I would see her to her table, chat for a few minutes with the others, give her a kiss and exit out the dining room door. It worked really well for both of us. I do the same thing at hospitals except that I wait and chat with the person while they are having their meal and then say that I'll take the tray and drop it off on my way out.
If that type of strategy doesn't work for you, what about asking one of the staff to come and get you at a certain time, step out to chat with them, and then give a quick hug and say you are off? Can you check with the staff to see how long it takes for her to get back to normal after you go? I know that with little kids, it is amazing to see the parents so upset that their child was missing them and meanwhile the child was just fine. It would be good to know if she stays upset or if she is over it quite quickly. Some people do better if you don't say anything to prepare them for your leaving and some people do better if you check your watch and say you've got ten more minutes before you need to go to an appointment.
This is a bit of a tangent, but I'm having counselling to help me cope with my cancer. In a session recently I said I found it harder to cope with what was happening to mum, than with my own condition. My counsellor was moved by this, and felt it showed I didn't value myself enough. He may well be right, but to me it seems normal and healthy to be more affected by the suffering of loved ones than with my own. How does it strike the rest of you?
This is a constant for me. Motivation to do lots of things if it is for others but not for myself. Apparently, this concerns counsellors over here too.
Reminds me of NEQ's mother, who (it seems to me) would do nothing for herself, unless it benefited someone else. (I beg your pardon, NEQ, if I have misunderstood/misrepresented this...)
ION, I heard today that outline planning permission has been granted for the Dowager's back garden, greatly enhancing the value of her house - perhaps by as much as two years' care home fees! I am delighted (and rather surprised )
Mrs. S, once more girding her lions to mix it with estate agents
Mum is a church member but hasn't been a regular church attender since I was born. She has (I think) internalised a fairly nasty misogynistic church message from her youth that women carry the curse of Eve and have to atone for it. Perhaps if she had attended church more often she would have benefited from the change in the church's message over the years. She worries about what people would think if they saw her enjoying herself - so she could go for a cup of coffee with me to a soft play when my two were little because then she would be "helping with the grandchildren" but she wouldn't go out with me for a coffee if it looked as though we were just enjoying each other's company.
Ironically, throughout my life she has often sighed over how much she would like to go to church - but her duty to cook an enormous Sunday lunch for my late grandparents (her parents-in-law) meant that stern duty took precedence. And now she can't go because she is "looking after" my father. So she's stuck as a 1950s female Christian.
I think there's a difference between Mum and Robert Armin, because sometimes I think Mum benefits from the suffering of others, because then she can have more of a social life visiting the afflicted etc.
I grew up knowing that I wasn't enough to make Mum happy ( her last day of complete happiness predates my birth by quite a bit). Now I rationalise that Mum doesn't want to be happy, as she'd rather be in the "Blessed are those who mourn" category.
Having said that, her grandchildren have succeeded where I failed - they do bring her joy.
North East Quine, that is so heart-wrenchingly sad, both for you and your mom. Shame on The Church™ for giving so many women of our mothers' generation the idea that atonement for the Eve's behavior is their lot in life.
Comments
It might be possible for her to have some medication to counteract this unreasonable anxiety - I'm sure one of the Dowager's Little Blue Pills is for just such a purpose.
And @jedijudy - you are also a good and caring daughter and may have saved untold lives by your action. Well done <notworthy>
Mrs. S, b*ggering on
I am going through the sage of my father's slippers at present. Last time I was there they asked me to get him a size smaller in slippers. His feet are less swollen than when he was at home. I got them. Then he started complaining that they were tight but now he is finding he can walk fine in them and they are not uncomfortable. We may be making progress.
@Robert Armin it might be worth cutting down your visits so your mum starts to settle in her new home rather than looking to you to do things. Mind you I haven't worked out what's best with my mum yet.
LOL! Monday when I picked Mom up for a doctor's appointment, Dad told me that the purchaser of his car shorted him $500. Dad was not happy, but not inclined to do anything about it. After I fumed for a few minutes, I decided to try the catching flies with honey method.
I was taking Dad to the bank to deposit most of the car money. On the way, I stopped at the purchaser's home and with a big smile on my face, told him there had been a minor mistake and that the amount was short $500. He feigned the surprised look, invited us in, and got the rest of the money for Dad. So, he saved face, I got Dad his money and we all pretended it was a simple mistake.
As we left, Dad told me he would never have had the guts to do that himself. This is why I'm my parents' advocate. And very glad to be.
PS Who the hell has $500 just lying around the house? It makes you wonder if he wasn't trying it on, to see if he could dupe an elderly gentleman, and having discovered he couldn't, thought, "sod it, I'll have to pay up after all".
Have you asked the staff at the home what they think about this?
My sister is in a care home for the elderly with mental health problems.
Sometimes a visitor is ignored, or shouted at, or she is talking rubbish, or once in a while, a good conversation takes place.
Her son who lives 5 miles away visits when he can, about every three weeks, maybe more. He has a f/t job, a wife and three young children, an allotment and several pets.
Her daughter lives 70 miles away, has a p/t job p, a dog and a toddler. She visits about every four to six weeks.
I live about 25 miles away. I am retired, with no pets, two voluntary jobs and two choirs. I visit about once every 8 weeks.
None of us feels guilty. It is how it is. I hope this helps not hinders.
That seems a lot to me - IMHO for the sake of your sanity you can cut it down without guilt
I suspect the $500 was in his pocket during the transaction, and if I wouldn't have been terribly sick and not thinking clearly, I would have drawn up a bill of sale and counted the money in front of both men. I suspect in that case, the 'mistake' would have been discovered, the money (oh! there it is! sorry about that!) handed over and faces would have been saved.
I'm off to see her today and hope she is still cheerful, but I find even that quite hard enough. I'm ashamed to say that it has been some years now since visiting her has been anything but a chore, and how sad is that?
Anyway, prayers and good wishes for all of us with similar issues - Sarasa and Jengie Jon spring to mind, but there are so many others.
((())) all round.
A bit less than a year before Dad died, my sister more-or-less decreed that I ought to go over and see him; and I'm ashamed to say that I resisted, until she dangled the carrot of going up during the St. Magnus Festival, which she and I did, and actually rather enjoyed ourselves. By that time Dad was almost continually asleep, and visits were generally no longer than half an hour, so it was a bit less of a strain.
If you're visiting at all, you're probably doing a lot better than many a daughter or son.
I had only heard of anti-depressants, most of which take a couple of months to come to full effect and cause other side effects. Dad was more than willing to try out the Ritalin and we were all delighted with the outcome. I'm wondering if a skilled physician could help out your mom with something like this? We certainly had no idea that it was even available as a treatment. It helped our family immensely to know that Dad was able to be content despite the known outcome of his illness. Offering this mainly to say that asking for medical help may help you.
Admins - not meaning to give medical advice here - suggesting to involve drs who specialize in this type of thing. And also editing to say that we had some light moments when dad would tell people that he was taking that medicine that they give to the bad kids.
Today I thought mum had settled enough to take her on the bus to get her hair done at my hairdressers and then on another bus into town to do a bit of shopping and have lunch. Mum is still very mobile and very chatty, even if she needs a bit of help getting on and off buses and her chat doesn't make a lot of sense. She tends to talk quite quietly and wander from topic to topic, which probably means she is actually making more sense than I think she is, as being deaf, I tend to miss vital links as she goes from one subject to the next. I often find visiting a chore, and while she was at home there was also the whole fire fighting aspect of her care too. Today's visit was almost as much fun as we had twenty odd years ago.
Regularly reading this thread and recalling the struggles with Mr Bee’s Dad, my heart goes out to you all.
My Mum has aged since marrying again; she used to have such a youthful attitude but has taken on his attitudes. Well, she is in her mid 80s. Still very independent but there are now concerns about her driving.
The Dowager looked amazing when I visited on Thursday - she could easily pass for someone twenty years younger. Sadly her mind does not match up, and the visit was hard work, but she was delighted to see me and once we worked out that she could hear much better with her left ear, we did okay for a while.
Then her faithful ex-next door neighbour arrived - he visits twice a week, bless him - and she got a bit tetchy because she could only hear about half what was being said; but we couldn't *both* speak into her left ear!
De-cluttering of her house continues, and I have located a new home for her hats: a lady at church who always wears one! She was thrilled with the offer, so we'll be coming back with a car-load of hats next time
Mrs. S, praying for everyone else's APs
Yes, my Mum had severe dementia for six years. She had been a faithful, lovely Christian all her life.
My faith was sorely tested.
Her final two weeks were very distressing indeed but, at the same time, I felt God’s presence holding us all tight.
But my view of God has been forever changed due to that time in our lives. I have a much thinner thread of faith than I did before.
These things are so hard to watch. It may well be that as a woman of faith your mother would not expect any special favours from God regarding old age and the winding down of the body, but because you love her you want/expect it for her. Part of what is hard is that you can no longer discuss this with her. It is not wrong to pray for her release even if it comes in death.
In theory I don't think God plays favourites, and gives preferential treatment to people of faith. In practice I want an exception made for my mum!
I, first of all, step back and own that all humans are four-dimensional beings at least as far as this existence goes. If God loves my Mum, it is not just the batty elderly women with a frayed personality she now is, but the entire person from bawling infant, little sister, through awkward schoolgirl, to office junior, mission secretary, wife, mother of two daughters, church administrator extraordinaire, church treasurer, a friend of many etc. Somehow God knows and loves all these different facets as part of a whole. When we get to the new creation we will, at last, be able to see the full person of our loved ones as God has always seen them.
The second was that I have come across The Stature of Waiting which connects Christ's Passion not so much with the crucifixion but with the handing over and Christ becoming someone who things happen to, rather than someone who does things. In such this connects with the deterioration we see in those around us who are frail elderly. They, therefore, carry something of the image of Christ by virtue of the decay rather than in spite of it.
No not answers, just the distant cry of sea birds and a half-imagined echoes of waves breaking on a rocky host that recall the memory of firm ground.
FWIW (not much maybe) my sister had a particularly nasty decline and death which we now suspect was due to some odd genetic reactions to common pain and psychiatric drugs. We found out about them through specialized genetic testing (too late to do her any good, I'm afraid). I'm planning on talking to her boys about it when I see them next for fear they may be wondering the same thing you are (i.e. where was the peace of God and etc.) because a sucky-sucky-sucky medicine mismatch can have some really odd behavioral results. PM me if you want to know more, as I don't want to look like a shill for the genetic company.
My hope is that something useful will come out of this. Mum has moved from crying, "Help me, I pray," to,"Help me to pray. I don't know how to pray." However, I don't know if she is actually asking about prayer, or simply latching onto the word; I've gone through the Lord's Prayer with her (which must be the "right" answer to the question) but it doesn't help. Whatever she's asking for, it is very depressing to have her repeatedly asking for help, and being unable to give it.
After the good time on Friday, yesterday's visit to mum wasn't so positive. She is STILL wanting to leave, her latest idea is to write a letter explaining why. It was obvious from our trip out on Friday she can no longer live independently and that has already been agreed by social workers and the doctor too, so no way anyone would let her try. However her reasoning does have some logic to it Not her insistence that she was happy in her previous flat and could manage fine, that hasn't been true for several years though mum doesn't remember that. Her other points have some validity though. Some of the other residents are challenging, though in different ways to mum, and I can see they annoy her. The food isn't what she likes, and I must admit on yesterday's showing it doesn't look great. The home has a good reputation for its activities, but those seem to be for a chosen few and mum would be heaps better if she was taken out more. I spent some time raising the points about food and activities with a member of staff and I hope something comes of that. I've promised to take her out for lunch on Friday so hopefully that will cheer her up
One of the things that helps me is that you all know so much of what I'm beginning to go through. It's been going on for years, but so many of you are dealing with more stressful situations.
My sister has often told me that when I need a break, she will come down and stay with our parents. Therefore, when my BFF asked me to visit her in the opposite end of the country, I accepted, knowing that S would be here to look after the 'rents! Little did I know that she didn't mean that she would be here the whole time I was gone. I left on Friday (came back 12 days later), and she arrived the following Tuesday afternoon, and left Friday afternoon. So, she was with them two whole days, and two half days. I was somewhat gratified (shame on me) that she had several opportunities to experience some of what I deal with on an almost daily basis. She dealt with scam telephone calls, unknown bills, a call from a new and unknown doctor and all that goes with that, Mom losing stuff and not understanding that she needed those things, Dad declaring his intention to ride his three-wheel bike across a crazy busy highway...you know, the normal things. My sister was ready to cry and told my daughter she didn't know how I took care of all those things week after week. Which is exactly why I'm glad it's me taking care of Mom and Dad, and not my sister.
I am glad for her help, but next year, if I get invited to Oregon again, I can't go. It's just too long to leave Mom and Dad on their own.
By contrast Mrs Zappa is bouncing resiliently back in her 98th year, and I am gobsmacked once again. Because I can't get up to her in this strange bifurcated nation we chat by phone a couple of times a week, and she is sounding strong each time ... and by and large in better spirits. Even my sister's reports are increasingly positive, and my brother is sure she walks on water in her spare time.
So I'm partly sorry to post optimistically in this darkened place, but sometimes I hope it's helpful to share moments of light.
The Dowager seemed really well when I visited this morning. She was delighted to see me, and we had a long conversation about memory. I was telling her about the brain scans which show how memory moves from short- to long-term memory, and she was telling me how lovely it was to hand on a ball of memories
There were some less positive bits, too, like 'I never see Mr. S, what's the rift in the family?' I can't really tell her how hard he finds it to be confused by her with other people, and to have to sit while she talks to me about people he doesn't know...
...and the supervisory nurse said that after lunch, it's as if someone flips a switch and she becomes didactic and demanding - 'I want that moved NOW! Have you finished that marking yet?' - and wants to go to bed, and so on, and so on. I told her, that's why I come in the morning, I'm not stupid!
Hard work even so.
Mrs. S, uttering prayers for all of us
Even if she would leave the cats, none of us could afford the cost of a place, even temporarily. So, that's a great suggestion, but not something doable in our circumstances.
Mom has a surgery coming up soon. We'll see the new surgeon next week to find out what needs to be done and when we can do it. Since it causes intermittent significant pain, the sooner the better. The good thing about Alzheimer's, Mom doesn't remember the details of what is going on, nor the fact that she'll have the first major surgery of her life. It's saving her (and us) a lot of stress.
@Robert Armin - I hope your mother is more settled.
@jedijudy - Sorry your sister was such a wash-out at carrying for your parents, but at least she'll have more idea of what you are doing for them. I hope the surgery goes well and your mother soon forgets all about it.
If that type of strategy doesn't work for you, what about asking one of the staff to come and get you at a certain time, step out to chat with them, and then give a quick hug and say you are off? Can you check with the staff to see how long it takes for her to get back to normal after you go? I know that with little kids, it is amazing to see the parents so upset that their child was missing them and meanwhile the child was just fine. It would be good to know if she stays upset or if she is over it quite quickly. Some people do better if you don't say anything to prepare them for your leaving and some people do better if you check your watch and say you've got ten more minutes before you need to go to an appointment.
So so hard.
ION, I heard today that outline planning permission has been granted for the Dowager's back garden, greatly enhancing the value of her house - perhaps by as much as two years' care home fees! I am delighted (and rather surprised
Mrs. S, once more girding her lions to mix it with estate agents
Ironically, throughout my life she has often sighed over how much she would like to go to church - but her duty to cook an enormous Sunday lunch for my late grandparents (her parents-in-law) meant that stern duty took precedence. And now she can't go because she is "looking after" my father. So she's stuck as a 1950s female Christian.
I think there's a difference between Mum and Robert Armin, because sometimes I think Mum benefits from the suffering of others, because then she can have more of a social life visiting the afflicted etc.
I grew up knowing that I wasn't enough to make Mum happy ( her last day of complete happiness predates my birth by quite a bit). Now I rationalise that Mum doesn't want to be happy, as she'd rather be in the "Blessed are those who mourn" category.
Having said that, her grandchildren have succeeded where I failed - they do bring her joy.