Oh @North East Quine that is so difficult. Not sure what to suggest other than just visiting. Your mum seems determined to keep on proving she can cope, even if it'll be the death of her.
Visiting my mum, and the helper has suggested I go and have a coffee to have a break from her. She had a fall this morning; physically she's fine, but it's left her shaken. I can't calm her down, so I've got agitated and now feel guilty.
There are still things to laugh at though. Something that often calms her is a song she used to sing us sleep with when we were little: Jesus loves me, this I know. Today she made the last line: For the bathroom tells me so.
Songs and poems will often stay with you when more mundane things have been forgotten. We used to get my mum to quote alternating lines of The Owl and the Pussycat and The Tale of Sonia Snell, which she used to recite to us as children, and she was far more likely to remember that than what she'd had for lunch.
Visiting my mum, and the helper has suggested I go and have a coffee to have a break from her. She had a fall this morning; physically she's fine, but it's left her shaken. I can't calm her down, so I've got agitated and now feel guilty.
Unless you put your foot out to trip her, why feel guilty? It really is just one of the things that happen. Your job is to comfort her when they do.
Dad's chemo has stopped working. He is being taken off his meds for three weeks to let everything clear out of his system and will then start a new chemo regime, with a different primary chemo drug. It'll still be tablets taken at home; there won't be an increase in the amount of medical intervention. It will probably all work out fine, but until he's on the new regime we won't know.
On a lighter note, he has been given warnings in block capitals that any child he fathers whilst on the new drug is likely to have severe deformities. So he MUST NOT attempt to provide me with a new sibling. Which is fine by me. I gave up hoping for a baby sibling about 50 years ago.
Mr F has been issued with similar warnings at various points. At which I observe that if he gets any young women with child while married to me, cancer will be the least of his worries.
I was rather taken aback the first time that the xray tech "forgot" to give me the protective apron to put on before an xray. Somehow I got the message that after a certain age, the need to protect an unknown pregnancy was considered to be past and the apron unnecessary.
Mother-in-law died peacefully last night. It was very sudden at the end; the care home phoned us in the middle of the night and we threw on our clothes and drove there (it's about 10 minutes away from our house) but she was gone before we got there.
Mr F has been issued with similar warnings [against fathering children] at various points ...
Before D. was wheeled into surgery the other day, they somewhat inexplicably asked him if there was any chance he might be pregnant. Shortly after that, they told him he'd be getting an epidural, to which he replied, "they still think I'm pregnant, don't they?"
Mum died yesterday morning; it was quick and peaceful, which I’m relieved about.
She was nearly 97, still living at home with no carers, and entirely compos mentis. She came back from a fortnight in France with my brother a week ago and was generally OK, though a bit breathless. She had a fall on Wednesday, was on the floor overnight (she broke her wrist and couldn’t reach to press her community alarm) and was in hospital on Thursday, looking rather battered but not in much pain and telling me how well the nurses were looking after her. Then her blood pressure dropped and breathing deteriorated and she stopped responding, then died about 12 hours later.
I’m sure she hoped to make it to 100, but on the whole I’d rather she died while she still had a reasonable quality of life.
When my Mum passed a couple of years back, it was after suffering from dementia and multiple physical health issues for some time. Your view of your own Mum’s demise is in every way wise and kind.
Nevertheless I am sure you will still feel the loss keenly, and I hope that you and your brother will be able to comfort to each other as you carry out love’s last duties.
SO sorry to hear of your loss @Aravis, but I think it was a good way to go. My dad dropped dead at a railway station, a horrible shock for us all and at least ten years too soon (he was 70), but I know he'd much prefer that than being how my mum is now.
I took her on a bus shopping today and she has declined quite a lot from the last time I did that two months ago. Very muddled and confused and beginning to become less mobile, though still pretty mobile for 91.
I completely agree it was a good way to go, and at her age she was very lucky to retain so much independence. It’s going to be a big funeral I think; although all her contemporaries have died, she had a lot of much younger friends at church. I’m planning to read some of John 14 in French and English as she taught French for many years (she was the first member of her family to get a degree).
Praying for you @Aravis. It is never easy, any of it, not for those left behind.
This. My dad had Alzheimers for many years. Cared for at first by my mother and then in a nursing home where he was treated with dignity by the kind staff. For a long time he knew his grandchildren but not their parents. When he died, he was nothing like the intelligent, capable man with a love of mountains history , picnics and plants. But he was still my dad and I miss him even now twenty years later.
As Cathcats says, it is never easy for those left behind.
Sorry for your loss, Aravis
My dad dropped to the pavement at a local market. People rushed to him and he asked them to call 911. (He'd finally learned that not everything can be conquered by willpower.)
He'd had an aortic aneurysm, and was rushed to hospital and then transferred to another hospital in San Francisco for surgery. He made it through the surgery. We had chances to talk to him as he recovered. I recall a Sunday afternoon when I found a copy of the New York Times magazine section that contained a cryptic crossword. He was sleeping, so I worked on the puzzle. As I finished the final clue, with a little 'chuff' that all puzzle people would recognize, I looked up and found him watching. "Got it, did you?" I said yes, and he recalled a book of puzzles that I'd given him some years earlier.
That may have been his last good day. Very shortly after that, his breathing deteriorated. He went on a respirator, and we had to make the call to turn it off.
That afternoon is a lovely memory for me, and I'm glad we had those moments. But I still don't know if it was lucky to get him to the hospital as we did, or not. I often think it might have been better if he'd died right there in the parking lot.
@basso , it is what it is and we can't control it.
My father died suddenly and without warning the morning before his 55th birthday. My mother has survived 40 years without him (or a replacement) and 35 of them were probably good and fulfilling. Now, she's living reasonably contentedly in a home but seriously has no clue what's going on.
They didn't get a choice, neither do we on their behalf - but @Aravis I think your mother managed to strike a pretty good balance!
May she rest in peace, and prayers for you and your brother left to cope.
My father died at home, in bed, when he was 68 and I was 22. At the time it was a terrible shock, and hard for all of us to get over. My mum is now 91, in a home, barely mobile, has forgotten almost everything, but is often scared. I now think dad was lucky.
I’m putting this here for UK people with elderly relatives. It’s amazingly well run and the groups they form become real friendship groups looking nothing like ‘charity’.
I am downunder here so do not have an answer to your question. Perhaps that group may know of something, or perhaps becoming involved in helping in some way may open things up for you. As I said, these are just suggestions from downunder.
Robert Armin - I'm in the UK and there was a local Carers Group that was very helpful. Apart from providing a meeting place for people in a similar position to ourselves they also gave good advice about other organisations, benefits, equipment hire and such like. I think I saw a notice in the library but a charity like Age Concern may know if there's anything similar in your area.
@Robert Armin I find the Dementia Talking Point forum very useful. For some reason I can't pretty up the link to it, but you'll know who I am if you pop over there. https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/
Very difficult time with mum this afternoon. She was sort of dozing, but muttering all the time and clearly disturbed about things. She kept asking for help; towards the end it was, "Help me to die". Not easy to deal with.
Firstly dementia patients often do suffer from depression as well so it might be worth having a word with the staff at the home.
Secondly, at church, we had a lady who suffered from dementia for years. One of these people who had a big house but no money. What looking after she got was very haphazard and she could play the schoolmarm (former headteacher) to perfection if anyone came asking too many questions. Well when they finally got carers in, one found one day she had a kitchen knife in the bathroom. The carer reported it as a sign of suicidal ideation. As a member of our church who kept an eye on her said "She may have been at the time but between picking up the knife to do it and getting to the bathroom she'd have forgotten completely why she brought the knife"
Thanks JJ, that's my feeling as well. Life is further complicated by my sister saying that the time has come to take mum off all drugs. I don't think we're at that point yet, although I recognise we could be at some point, and neither do the nurses at her home. Tomorrow I'm going to talk to mum's doctor. I want to do what is best for mum, but it's not always easy to know what best is.
I would be careful about taking your mum off all drugs. I know my Mum is on sedatives. These are not life-extending but stop her being anxious (and being cantankerous) in the present when she is confused about where she is. You cannot explain to her where she is.
So I would be advised by the nursing staff as to when to take them off drugs and which to take her off. They will be willing to do this.
Reading through the last month or so, and my heart joins in the ambivalent sorrow for the bereavements and the frustration. Mrs Z stumbles along, falls often, is earning ambulance frequent fliers (or so I told her), yet at other times seems strong and relatively lucid. Another day, another tale.
Went for father's surgery today for skin cancer. They didn't do it. It's spread according to the scan. He's blind totally in one eye. This cancer has gone under the muscle of the eye he's got 15% vision in. They couldn't do it with the setup today. If they do the surgery he will be fully in the dark after, 90% estimate. If he doesn't get surgery, it will continue to grow. I'm to call surgeon office with the decision.
We then went back to his assisted living and listened to jazz and then learned that you can say "hey Siri, tell me a joke" to his iPad we got him a few weeks ago:
"A man tripped over a basket of laundry.
He watched it all unfold."
Perhaps there's a meaning of life. We're not finding it right now. Worked really hard to bond with my father which hadn't existed for 40 years until I repatriated him after he refused to let us see my mother before she died. I question my wisdom in looking after such a difficult man. It seems like ongoing forgiveness required. Rather draining.
The Dowager was quite chirpy yesterday - it's such hard work, but very rewarding that she is so delighted to see me. It was a bit difficult when she said, conversationally, 'so how is Marjorie? (her sister)' and I blurted out 'Dead' - I thought afterwards that I should have taken a leaf out of Albert Campion's book and said 'As well as can be expected'.
(His interlocutor's response to that was 'I'm so glad, I thought he was dead')
Anyway, Master S and his wife are taking their new daughter, her first great-granddaughter, to visit this week. Unfortunately they can't make it before lunch and I'm given to understand The Dowager is not nearly as amenable after lunch Fingers crossed!
Mrs S, praying for all us professional (but unpaid!) children
Comments
There are still things to laugh at though. Something that often calms her is a song she used to sing us sleep with when we were little: Jesus loves me, this I know. Today she made the last line: For the bathroom tells me so.
Unless you put your foot out to trip her, why feel guilty? It really is just one of the things that happen. Your job is to comfort her when they do.
On a lighter note, he has been given warnings in block capitals that any child he fathers whilst on the new drug is likely to have severe deformities. So he MUST NOT attempt to provide me with a new sibling. Which is fine by me. I gave up hoping for a baby sibling about 50 years ago.
Before D. was wheeled into surgery the other day, they somewhat inexplicably asked him if there was any chance he might be pregnant. Shortly after that, they told him he'd be getting an epidural, to which he replied, "they still think I'm pregnant, don't they?"
@Jane R what a good way for your MiL to leave this earth, may she rest in peace and rise in glory.
For a quick and peaceful death for all those we love.
But at a distant point in the future, usually.
That rather depends on how ill they are.
She was nearly 97, still living at home with no carers, and entirely compos mentis. She came back from a fortnight in France with my brother a week ago and was generally OK, though a bit breathless. She had a fall on Wednesday, was on the floor overnight (she broke her wrist and couldn’t reach to press her community alarm) and was in hospital on Thursday, looking rather battered but not in much pain and telling me how well the nurses were looking after her. Then her blood pressure dropped and breathing deteriorated and she stopped responding, then died about 12 hours later.
I’m sure she hoped to make it to 100, but on the whole I’d rather she died while she still had a reasonable quality of life.
When my Mum passed a couple of years back, it was after suffering from dementia and multiple physical health issues for some time. Your view of your own Mum’s demise is in every way wise and kind.
Nevertheless I am sure you will still feel the loss keenly, and I hope that you and your brother will be able to comfort to each other as you carry out love’s last duties.
May she rest in peace and rise in glory.
I took her on a bus shopping today and she has declined quite a lot from the last time I did that two months ago. Very muddled and confused and beginning to become less mobile, though still pretty mobile for 91.
This. My dad had Alzheimers for many years. Cared for at first by my mother and then in a nursing home where he was treated with dignity by the kind staff. For a long time he knew his grandchildren but not their parents. When he died, he was nothing like the intelligent, capable man with a love of mountains history , picnics and plants. But he was still my dad and I miss him even now twenty years later.
As Cathcats says, it is never easy for those left behind.
My dad dropped to the pavement at a local market. People rushed to him and he asked them to call 911. (He'd finally learned that not everything can be conquered by willpower.)
He'd had an aortic aneurysm, and was rushed to hospital and then transferred to another hospital in San Francisco for surgery. He made it through the surgery. We had chances to talk to him as he recovered. I recall a Sunday afternoon when I found a copy of the New York Times magazine section that contained a cryptic crossword. He was sleeping, so I worked on the puzzle. As I finished the final clue, with a little 'chuff' that all puzzle people would recognize, I looked up and found him watching. "Got it, did you?" I said yes, and he recalled a book of puzzles that I'd given him some years earlier.
That may have been his last good day. Very shortly after that, his breathing deteriorated. He went on a respirator, and we had to make the call to turn it off.
That afternoon is a lovely memory for me, and I'm glad we had those moments. But I still don't know if it was lucky to get him to the hospital as we did, or not. I often think it might have been better if he'd died right there in the parking lot.
There are no right answers, or easy ones.
My father died suddenly and without warning the morning before his 55th birthday. My mother has survived 40 years without him (or a replacement) and 35 of them were probably good and fulfilling. Now, she's living reasonably contentedly in a home but seriously has no clue what's going on.
They didn't get a choice, neither do we on their behalf - but @Aravis I think your mother managed to strike a pretty good balance!
May she rest in peace, and prayers for you and your brother left to cope.
Mrs. S, praying for all (and their brothers!)
Contact the Elderly.
Thanks to everyone who expressed sympathy for mine.
Secondly, at church, we had a lady who suffered from dementia for years. One of these people who had a big house but no money. What looking after she got was very haphazard and she could play the schoolmarm (former headteacher) to perfection if anyone came asking too many questions. Well when they finally got carers in, one found one day she had a kitchen knife in the bathroom. The carer reported it as a sign of suicidal ideation. As a member of our church who kept an eye on her said "She may have been at the time but between picking up the knife to do it and getting to the bathroom she'd have forgotten completely why she brought the knife"
So I would be advised by the nursing staff as to when to take them off drugs and which to take her off. They will be willing to do this.
Went for father's surgery today for skin cancer. They didn't do it. It's spread according to the scan. He's blind totally in one eye. This cancer has gone under the muscle of the eye he's got 15% vision in. They couldn't do it with the setup today. If they do the surgery he will be fully in the dark after, 90% estimate. If he doesn't get surgery, it will continue to grow. I'm to call surgeon office with the decision.
We then went back to his assisted living and listened to jazz and then learned that you can say "hey Siri, tell me a joke" to his iPad we got him a few weeks ago:
"A man tripped over a basket of laundry.
He watched it all unfold."
Perhaps there's a meaning of life. We're not finding it right now. Worked really hard to bond with my father which hadn't existed for 40 years until I repatriated him after he refused to let us see my mother before she died. I question my wisdom in looking after such a difficult man. It seems like ongoing forgiveness required. Rather draining.
The Dowager was quite chirpy yesterday - it's such hard work, but very rewarding that she is so delighted to see me. It was a bit difficult when she said, conversationally, 'so how is Marjorie? (her sister)' and I blurted out 'Dead'
(His interlocutor's response to that was 'I'm so glad, I thought he was dead')
Anyway, Master S and his wife are taking their new daughter, her first great-granddaughter, to visit this week. Unfortunately they can't make it before lunch and I'm given to understand The Dowager is not nearly as amenable after lunch
Mrs S, praying for all us professional (but unpaid!) children