My mother has only just given up ironing duvet covers etc. I never bother, though I do quite like ironing I only do the minimum.
Went to see my mother today. She was in cheerful spirits, which was good but her ideas about the neighbours get more bizarre. They are now coming in and helping themselves to her breakfast cereal. I won't be able to see her for a fortnight as we're off on holiday at the weekend. Hope nothing dire happens while we're away.
OK its about time I joined in with this thread. Mum has Alzheimers (and Type 1 Diabetes, and is physically very frail and wobbly on her feet, has had several falls). She lives at home with Dad, who is remarkably fit and well for mid 80's, and acts as 24/7 carer. It takes its toll on him though, both physically and 'socially' - it is hard to have a meaningful conversation with her (although she is always pleased to see people when they visit, and still knows who people are) and he seems to crave interaction with other people, not surprisingly. At present I spend every Friday morning there with her to enable him to go out to his Art Club, for a bit of 'me time'. Sadly my work and church commitments do not allow me to visit more often. My sister is in a similar position, like me she always visits about once a week. Other sister lives abroad so mostly keeps in contact with them via phone and email.
A couple of months ago the other sister visited for a week, and while here she tried to help them address various issues to improve their quality of life. One was to arrange a visit to a local Day Centre that specialises in Dementia care. The idea was that if Mum could go to something like that one day a week, it would give her a more interesting life (she is a bit like NEQ's dad in that she just sits in a chair all day and does nothing) some new friends (the only friends she has are people from the church), and just as crucially (if not more so) it would give Dad some free time to do various things that he cannot easily do at present with a very slow disabled wife in tow, like sorting out business at the bank, going for a walk etc etc
Well we all went along to visit the place (Mum and Dad and us 2 sisters) - it seemed to offer a lot, various craft activities, games, etc in a lovely environment full of memorabila. The staff seemed friendly and competent, but did stress that the patients need to be dropped off alone without family members staying, even on their first day. I feared that this would be an issue, as Mum has never been ANYWHERE without Dad (or occasionally myself if I have taken her out on a Friday when I am looking after her)
The first session was supposed to have been today. But she refused to go. Not quite sure how Dad 'introduced the idea' to her today (her memory is such that she was unlikely to have remembered the previous visit, or that she had been told about it before). Apparently she got very upset, said she didn't want to go, said she was quite happy at home, and that she felt he was trying to 'put her away'. This is quite a strong reaction for my mother, who rarely complains about anything at all, and is always willing to please and fit in with what others want to do.
So what to do? Is it worth trying to persuade her (and possibly also Dad needs persuading too now, after this setback) that this is an idea worth pursuing?
This sounds very familiar, we went through it five or six times and it was only when a Community mental care worker actually worked with Mum and Dad that Mum actually got regularly to attend one.
Your Mum may well have picked up your father's nervousness. It seems the thing at present to ask for carers not to come in as this makes coping with difficulties easier. Eventually you may well come to the point we reached where we preferred to be absent if there were changes happening for Mum. It made life easier all round. What it does do is increase anxiety on the part of the carer. I would take it as read that your father will need support the first two or three times your mum visits the centre.
I think if it was us (my sister and I) dealing with my parents again we would have tried to get a sitting service in much earlier. Help the Aged quite of run one with trained volunteers. Once this is established then that gives time your father can on his own visit the place or similar; there nearly always is more than one. This means he can see it before your Mum does and talk to staff. Also if you can get someone to help your father go and pick up your mum the first fewtimes, even if they are only moral support then do so.
Other things is get in touch with the local carers agencies, they may offer your Dad a carers course and a support group. There are also likely to be socials aimed at both people with dementia and carers.
Gracious Rebel - that sounds like a tricky situation. I think Jengie Jon has some good ideas, and I'm finding the Alzheimer's Societies Talking Point forums very useful for advice about my mother, so maybe worth looking there?
Thanks Sarasa I wasn't aware of that set of forums.
I called in at the Day Centre at lunchtime today to see if we could work out a strategy for getting Mum to accept it. It seems its too late, for apparently Dad had already phoned them to say 'its not for us' so they had already shredded all mum's registration details. I'll be seeing my parents tomorrow, so will discuss it with Dad of course ... I'm wondering if he just wasn't fully committed to the idea himself, and she picked up on e vibes he was giving out. But my sisters and I are trying to think long term for both of them, and it seemed like a step in the right direction. Maybe we'll try again a bit later with a different centre and try better to get Dad on board first.
Is the having to be left there on her own a universal thing, or is there anywhere else local where they could both go? It seems to me that there may be quite a few patients like your mum, who'd hate going anywhere without their partners (if I were in her situation, I'd probably feel the same).
My mum went to a weekly day-centre thing when she was still living at home, and AFAIK she was picked up by the staff and dropped back home again afterwards. Because I wasn't living there (I think she went a couple of times when we were over on holiday, and TBH Dad didn't really know what to do with himself while she wasn't in the house), I don't really know how easily she took to it. She was a very placid sort of person, and if Dad told her it was something she should do, she'd do it (possibly whether she really wanted to or not).
Forgive me, but surely the point is in large part to give the partner some time off, and to break into the world the patient has created for themselves in their own heads? That's never going to happen without some discomfort, but I can see why it would be useful. It's often the maintenance of that world by the patient and their partner that is so exhausting, and even possibly destructive, if it stops reality from getting a look in.
Presumably the thinking is that if the patient gets used to being in that environment with their partner they are more likely to become distressed when their partner isn't there.
As Jengie suggests, a sitting service would give your Dad a break while allowing Mum to stay in her home. We suggested Crossroads respite care to Mr Bee’s Dad when he was caring for his wife but he was determined to do everything himself.
Does the day centre have any sessions they could both go to? Our local centre has a weekly "singing for the brain" session open to anyone followed by coffee & biscuits. It's a good way to meet other people living with the same challenges, and for the centre & staff to become a familiar environment.
This particular day centre doesn't offer sessions for patients to attend with their carers, although there are other drop in sessions springing up that would be good for that sort of thing (even one starting shortly run jointly by my church along with the local Anglican church). But as others have noted, what we were really trying to achieve was to give Dad a little weekly respite from being her 24/7 carer. Anyway, having spoken to him yesterday and heard more details about how she was in tears about it on the day, we have come to the conclusion that we need to explore other avenues, such as a sitting service. We have had a service called 'Home Instead' recommended by my sister's friend - has anyone here any experience of them?
Yes. We used their services for my dad when he was on his final decline, mostly for helping him in bed and into his wheel chair. They were very pleasant, but one helper wasn't much help. She wasn't much of a self starter. But the office people who signed him up were clear and efficient and one of the ladies was a wiz at everything necessary. Dad wasn't suffering from dementia; he just was so very tired of the struggle.
Keep in mind that if your dad goes with her to a day centre he will get the chance to get out among other people and will have some conversations with the staff and possibly with others who care for their loved ones at home. You never know what could come of that and it could be worth pursuing both options. The nursing home where I volunteer has a day program and it is a bright and lively place - surely a nice outing for both.
We have used Home Instead with Mum and Dad. They were recommended by social services the first time we needed to get in extra help for my parents after Dad had a heart attack.
They are pretty big. They can provide the workers and they are fairly professional. Dad liked everyone who came from them as far as I can tell. They also are expensive and do not do less than an hour though that hour can be social care and cleaning.
We stopped using them when we needed 24 hour care for mum as:
they could not provide
what they could do was more expensive than full care
We were too late by that time and really the only option was a home for Mum but Dad would not consider it.
Got my father to agree to a walker. What a struggle, but all have won and we all have prizes! Thanks to you people I have become strategically deceptive and I don't feel bad about it.
It is red so he can see it, and there's a red foot thing to go over curbs. Had to be red. His vision is still very bad from the one working eye, but this makes him confident. He likes the seat and is sitting in it everywhere. Probably the best 400$ (shudder) I've spent in 5 years.
Really good to hear some positive things about our Aging Ps.
Mrs S - Good that the Dowager was more her old self. Is she beginning to enjoy the facillities in the home?
NEQ - A tablet sounds like a good idea for your mum. I hope your dad agrees to look at photos etc on it.
NP - A walker sounds just what your dad needed.
I went to visit my mum today. She was a mixture of the totally together and the totally off the wall. She seemed to think the shoes she's had for ages weren't hers and that somehow she'd misappropriated a pair of my sandals. She also had loads more things the neighbours had 'done', including ruining a t-shirt by covering in what looked like make-up. Not quite sure what mum had managed to do there. On the other hand we had a really nice cup of coffee out, with the sort of conversation we used to have years ago, where we discussed books, holidays, politics etc. We also have a date for a visit to the memory clinic, and my selling it as a chance to meet up with my brother and I and go out for lunch worked. Yippee.
Really good to hear some positive things about our Aging Ps.
Mrs S - Good that the Dowager was more her old self. Is she beginning to enjoy the facillities in the home?
Hard to tell, Sarasa, but when I arrived she was playing bingo! It is hard for her, because the 'better' she is, the less she has in common with her housemates. However she has visitors and is taken out to lunch; she has her hair and nails done; she enjoys the singing... let's hope the Beeb really do bring back Singing Together!
And she did say to me 'at least I know I'm not going home', which is true, and a blessing by comparison with some other poor souls there. It did remind me of the Intrepid Grandson, the day after Miss S and SiL moved to a cottage in the country from a dormitory estate. We looked after him while they hired a van and went off to get furniture, collect the cats, etc, and he was good as gold all day - till almost tea time, when he suddenly fetched his coat and announced 'I think I'll go home now' Luckily they arrived very soon and disaster was averted.
I think that if (and that's a big if) I managed to pesaude my mum to consider moving to some sort of home she'd face similar problems to the Dowager. I think mum would enjoy not having to worry about housework, having nice meals provided and most of all some people to chat to. However when she is on form she seems a lot more together than most people I've met in care homes. A lot of it is flannel. She was claiming on Wednesday that Dostoevsky was one of her favourite authors. Don't think I ever actually saw her reading one of his books.
Totally off-topic - Your grandson reminds me of my son when he was that age. Mum once promised him an ice-cream, only to find the place was shut. S's reaction apparently was a stoic 'I'm a bit upset about that, grandma'. Mum was amazed as my brother or I would have had a tantrum!
Sarasa - who doubts she'll ever be a grandma, but is looking forward to great-aunthood sometime (I have seven nieces).
It’s been a positive week. Mum has actually made her will at last, properly, with a solicitor! She is nearly 96 and I have been trying to get her to do this ever since discovering she hadn’t done anything at all about it. She’s also arranged power of attorney. She is completely mentally alert, and very strong-minded, but nobody’s life expectancy is going to be that long at her age.
Both her sisters died in their 70s so I don’t know where she gets this from. She doesn’t have carers either.
Went to visit mum today and I really don't know how long she'll be safe living on her own without help. According the her the neighbours ahve been up to all sort of bizarre things in her flat, and she had called out the boiler service people as they'd 'broken' her boiler on one of their visits. It looked to me as though it had been switched off, but I wasn't sure where the switch was and mum was insisitng I didn't try and fix things. The guy came and yes, that was what had happened. He's put a bit of tape over the switch so hopefully mum won't do that again.
Then this evening one of her close friends phoned to say that she and another friend are both getting really concerned about the behaviour mum is displaying, the paranoia, anger etc etc. This has really hit home to me, that if others are beginning to notice, things are awry (mum being good at hiding such things) that we are fast running out of options.
Sarasa, we had to put a padlock on the boiler cupboard to stop Mum turning it off! She was livid, accusing us of trying to make her freeze to death (!) but it was the only way to stop her turning it off altogether. Then there was the time when she noticed the freezer wasn't keeping things very cold - and it was only after I'd ordered a new one that I realised she'd turned that off at the mains, too. We got a child-proof cover for that plug...
You've followed my journey with the Dowager so kindly - I'm really sorry to hear you are on the same (downward) track. Has the GP suggested any medication for the paranoia? And good luck with the memory clinic, too <votive>
Tomorrow, Mr S and I are taking the Intrepid Grandson to visit his Great-grandma - she's very excited at the prospect so we really hope the visit is a success.
Prayers continuing to ascend, ladies - Sarasa, you really are going through it! Hope the granny duty goes well, Mrs. S. - I'm sure seeing the Intrepid Grandson will do the Dowager no end of good!
At his last hospital check up, the doctor told my father that inactivity was a bigger threat to his health than his cancer, which is under control. Since then, Dad has been a lot more active. I think that for both my parents cancer was a terrifying diagnosis, and, despite many reassurances that it had been caught early enough to be treatable, neither of them fully believed that.
The level of care provided by the NHS (including the fact that screening meant that Dad had a diagnosis before he had any symptoms) has been incredible. It's not just the nuts and bolts of blood tests and medication but the friendliness and compassion with which the doctors and nurses treat Dad and Mum.
Thanks, Piglet - we all had a great day. Little One was delighted to see Great-grandma (especially as she produced a last chocolate biscuit for him - I was just about to forbid it so close to lunchtime, but remembered myself!) So we all went out to lunch, which went well, and every time he lost sight of the Dowager there were cries of 'Great-grandma!' After lunch, as I was changing his nappy, he uttered those crucial words 'Great-grandma is my fabit' (favourite) I swear if she could change her will, we'd all be disinherited!
She was pretty tired by then - about 2.5 - 3 hours - so we came away feeling that we'd done well by everyone The other great success was the multiple photo frame, which holds eight postcard-size pictures - the Dowager was delighted with hers when I'd filled it, a fortnight ago, and I saw three others in the admins' office when I called in. Seems as if it's caught on!
NEQ - thank God for a GP saying the right thing: far more powerful than anything you can say or do!
Sarasa - hope things are going all right for you <votive> and indeed for anyone trying to do their best for an AP.
NEQ: indeed, re inactivity. My father has been out walking with his walker, I can see that it helps physically and also with emotions, he's seeming less frail in both ways.
Sarasa: is she in a totally independent living situation? Can carers come in (called Home Care here) to share the load of supervising the "ageing in place?
We also are thankful for public funding of health care. Kind people who want to help.
But, an unfortunate update from the hospital ophthalmologist today, one month after the last check showed gloriously normal pressures after laser beam surgery. The pressure is back into the dangerous level. (Damn damn double damn) Dangerous meaning will kill the vision. His vision was actually still 2 lines of the eye chart better, yay! But the pressure must come down. So he has urgent repeat surgery in 2 days.
Feeling so happy about his walker and improvement in vision, and so deflated with the pressure thing. So did the usual. Made tea. Strong and on the edge of bitterness. He's not an expressive man, but I could tell. And then I came home and had another cup here. No work today. And then cancelled my Friday off as well and told those who want to know, and those who should know, families being a mixture. And then yet another cup of tea.
Supposed to go to an evening committee meeting at the church tonight, missed the last one, had promised to go today. Was thinking of shirking my commitment, but it's a lovely late afternoon, so shall bicycle there after sup, which is the cheerfullest thing someone can think of doing, and my wife is that someone who told me this, and she knows things.
Good that your APs are doing more exercise NEQ and NP. My mood is much better after exercise and I'm sure it must be true for APs as well.
NP - A pain that the presure is building in the eye again, but I hope the surgery will see it off at least for a little while.
Mrs S - Lovely to hear about the good visit to the Dowager. I thinks sometimes small chidlren and adults just click and 'know each other in the things that are eternal' to quote a Quaker saying. I had a tricky relationship with my dad but from a very early age my son adored him. I just find it sad that dad died before my son was an adult as I can see them getting up to no good together - they both like/liked narrow boats, chemistry and whisky.
I had a phone call from mum this morning. She was shouting down the phone about not going to the memory clinic appointment next week. The more she ranted the more obvious it was she needs to go. I tried explaining why we've arranged the appointment with no success. I've contacted my brother and he will phone her later to try and convice her to go.
T
Sarasa - I'm glad you managed your holiday, that's all.
Mrs. S
Thank you it was lovely, so much so that we've booked another one for September. Talking of holidays my brother thinks he persuaded mum that a holiday with me and my sister-in- law would be fun. I think it could be doable, and certainly better than either mum attempting to go on her own or just going with me.
On the other hand I've just had a message from my brother saying he's had mum on the phone telling him she's phoned up her doctors surgery to complain about me. Apparently she thinks the visit to the memory clinic next week is all my fault. Goodness knows what her GP will say. I am well and truly in the doghouse
On the other hand I've just had a message from my brother saying he's had mum on the phone telling him she's phoned up her doctors surgery to complain about me. Apparently she thinks the visit to the memory clinic next week is all my fault. Goodness knows what her GP will say. I am well and truly in the doghouse
No good deed goes unpunished, Sarasa - but the GP will surely see that you are only trying to help a trying old lady! <hug> Stay in the doghouse, and let your brother do the work - I notice that he isn't volunteering to go on holiday with her! <killingme>
Oh @Sarasa that sounds very tough. But if her friends and neighbours are contacting you with concerns, she really does need help. Can you contact social care to get her assessed as a vulnerable person? And look blank when she gets angry, suggest that someone else was worried about her. From the sounds of it, if you don't the police will get involved at some point and refer to adult social care as a vulnerable older person. She's not going to accept you saying she needs help or need into supported care, she might just accept it if someone official tells her.
@North East Quine good news the GP is insisting on your father increasing his activity
@The Intrepid Mrs S good news about your mother being settled and safe, well done the Intrepid Grandson with the charm offensive
Hope things are well with your dad's eye @NOprophet_NØprofit, and that he continues to have a little sight and to enjoy using his walker. @Curiosity killed - I have a horrible feeling it will end up with the police involved. I don't think it would take much for her to go and hit the neighbour or to be found wandering when she goes out shopping.
Mum has just been talking to my husband on the phone about how she doesn't have Alzheimer's as she still showers. He didn't pass her over to me as he knows how fragile I'm feeling about it all at the moment. Mum is still refusing to go to the clinic on Thursday. The appointment is for 9.30 and it's difficult enough to get mum up and ready for that time even if it is somewhere she wants to go, I doubt that we'll get her there. I've suggested to my brother that we re-arrange the appointment but still take her out for lunch. That will make her feel like we've listened to her, while still trying to move things forward.
Oh and she called my brother Vince. That is nothing like his name and we don't even have one in our cirlce of family and friends, so goodness knows where that came from.
Sarasa, she knows she has it, doesn't she? or it wouldn't occur to her to say she didn't. That must be terrifying so she doesn't want to face the memory clinic and have it confirmed to her. If only there were a treatment suitable for people that age...
I'm praying for a resolution to this, but as peaceful a one as possible <votive>
Sarasa, she knows she has it, doesn't she? or it wouldn't occur to her to say she didn't. That must be terrifying so she doesn't want to face the memory clinic and have it confirmed to her. If only there were a treatment suitable for people that age...
I'm praying for a resolution to this, but as peaceful a one as possible <votive>
Mrs.S, sorrowful
Thank you, yes I think she is aware things are not right, but all her reasoning about how she doesn't have dementia only make that diagnosis more likely.
I think it will be a hard week. Mum phoned me later yesterday, and seemed quite cheerful, even though she was convinced my brother and I were coming today rather than Thursday and the neighbours had 'stolen' all the loo rolls. I told her to have a good look, as I know she had a new nine pack last week, but the 'neighbours come in and take them as they don't want to buy them for themselves.' Even so we had quite a cheeful conversation and she didn't seem adverse to Thursday's appointment. Then I get a message from my brother. His phone had been switched off, and when he switched it back on there were four messages in fifteen minuted from mum going on about how she doesn't have alzheimers isn't going to the clinic etc etc.
Comments
Went to see my mother today. She was in cheerful spirits, which was good but her ideas about the neighbours get more bizarre. They are now coming in and helping themselves to her breakfast cereal. I won't be able to see her for a fortnight as we're off on holiday at the weekend. Hope nothing dire happens while we're away.
A couple of months ago the other sister visited for a week, and while here she tried to help them address various issues to improve their quality of life. One was to arrange a visit to a local Day Centre that specialises in Dementia care. The idea was that if Mum could go to something like that one day a week, it would give her a more interesting life (she is a bit like NEQ's dad in that she just sits in a chair all day and does nothing) some new friends (the only friends she has are people from the church), and just as crucially (if not more so) it would give Dad some free time to do various things that he cannot easily do at present with a very slow disabled wife in tow, like sorting out business at the bank, going for a walk etc etc
Well we all went along to visit the place (Mum and Dad and us 2 sisters) - it seemed to offer a lot, various craft activities, games, etc in a lovely environment full of memorabila. The staff seemed friendly and competent, but did stress that the patients need to be dropped off alone without family members staying, even on their first day. I feared that this would be an issue, as Mum has never been ANYWHERE without Dad (or occasionally myself if I have taken her out on a Friday when I am looking after her)
The first session was supposed to have been today. But she refused to go. Not quite sure how Dad 'introduced the idea' to her today (her memory is such that she was unlikely to have remembered the previous visit, or that she had been told about it before). Apparently she got very upset, said she didn't want to go, said she was quite happy at home, and that she felt he was trying to 'put her away'. This is quite a strong reaction for my mother, who rarely complains about anything at all, and is always willing to please and fit in with what others want to do.
So what to do? Is it worth trying to persuade her (and possibly also Dad needs persuading too now, after this setback) that this is an idea worth pursuing?
Your Mum may well have picked up your father's nervousness. It seems the thing at present to ask for carers not to come in as this makes coping with difficulties easier. Eventually you may well come to the point we reached where we preferred to be absent if there were changes happening for Mum. It made life easier all round. What it does do is increase anxiety on the part of the carer. I would take it as read that your father will need support the first two or three times your mum visits the centre.
I think if it was us (my sister and I) dealing with my parents again we would have tried to get a sitting service in much earlier. Help the Aged quite of run one with trained volunteers. Once this is established then that gives time your father can on his own visit the place or similar; there nearly always is more than one. This means he can see it before your Mum does and talk to staff. Also if you can get someone to help your father go and pick up your mum the first fewtimes, even if they are only moral support then do so.
Other things is get in touch with the local carers agencies, they may offer your Dad a carers course and a support group. There are also likely to be socials aimed at both people with dementia and carers.
Thanks Jengie
I called in at the Day Centre at lunchtime today to see if we could work out a strategy for getting Mum to accept it. It seems its too late, for apparently Dad had already phoned them to say 'its not for us' so they had already shredded all mum's registration details. I'll be seeing my parents tomorrow, so will discuss it with Dad of course ... I'm wondering if he just wasn't fully committed to the idea himself, and she picked up on e vibes he was giving out. But my sisters and I are trying to think long term for both of them, and it seemed like a step in the right direction. Maybe we'll try again a bit later with a different centre and try better to get Dad on board first.
My mum went to a weekly day-centre thing when she was still living at home, and AFAIK she was picked up by the staff and dropped back home again afterwards. Because I wasn't living there (I think she went a couple of times when we were over on holiday, and TBH Dad didn't really know what to do with himself while she wasn't in the house), I don't really know how easily she took to it. She was a very placid sort of person, and if Dad told her it was something she should do, she'd do it (possibly whether she really wanted to or not).
Deo gratias...
They are pretty big. They can provide the workers and they are fairly professional. Dad liked everyone who came from them as far as I can tell. They also are expensive and do not do less than an hour though that hour can be social care and cleaning.
We stopped using them when we needed 24 hour care for mum as:
We were too late by that time and really the only option was a home for Mum but Dad would not consider it.
Jengie
It is red so he can see it, and there's a red foot thing to go over curbs. Had to be red. His vision is still very bad from the one working eye, but this makes him confident. He likes the seat and is sitting in it everywhere. Probably the best 400$ (shudder) I've spent in 5 years.
Mrs S - Good that the Dowager was more her old self. Is she beginning to enjoy the facillities in the home?
NEQ - A tablet sounds like a good idea for your mum. I hope your dad agrees to look at photos etc on it.
NP - A walker sounds just what your dad needed.
I went to visit my mum today. She was a mixture of the totally together and the totally off the wall. She seemed to think the shoes she's had for ages weren't hers and that somehow she'd misappropriated a pair of my sandals. She also had loads more things the neighbours had 'done', including ruining a t-shirt by covering in what looked like make-up. Not quite sure what mum had managed to do there. On the other hand we had a really nice cup of coffee out, with the sort of conversation we used to have years ago, where we discussed books, holidays, politics etc. We also have a date for a visit to the memory clinic, and my selling it as a chance to meet up with my brother and I and go out for lunch worked. Yippee.
That is totally quotable. If this isn't real life what is?
Hard to tell, Sarasa, but when I arrived she was playing bingo! It is hard for her, because the 'better' she is, the less she has in common with her housemates. However she has visitors and is taken out to lunch; she has her hair and nails done; she enjoys the singing... let's hope the Beeb really do bring back Singing Together!
And she did say to me 'at least I know I'm not going home', which is true, and a blessing by comparison with some other poor souls there. It did remind me of the Intrepid Grandson, the day after Miss S and SiL moved to a cottage in the country from a dormitory estate. We looked after him while they hired a van and went off to get furniture, collect the cats, etc, and he was good as gold all day - till almost tea time, when he suddenly fetched his coat and announced 'I think I'll go home now'
Mrs. S, one of the sandwich generation
Totally off-topic - Your grandson reminds me of my son when he was that age. Mum once promised him an ice-cream, only to find the place was shut. S's reaction apparently was a stoic 'I'm a bit upset about that, grandma'. Mum was amazed as my brother or I would have had a tantrum!
Sarasa - who doubts she'll ever be a grandma, but is looking forward to great-aunthood sometime (I have seven nieces).
Both her sisters died in their 70s so I don’t know where she gets this from. She doesn’t have carers either.
Then this evening one of her close friends phoned to say that she and another friend are both getting really concerned about the behaviour mum is displaying, the paranoia, anger etc etc. This has really hit home to me, that if others are beginning to notice, things are awry (mum being good at hiding such things) that we are fast running out of options.
You've followed my journey with the Dowager so kindly - I'm really sorry to hear you are on the same (downward) track. Has the GP suggested any medication for the paranoia? And good luck with the memory clinic, too <votive>
Tomorrow, Mr S and I are taking the Intrepid Grandson to visit his Great-grandma - she's very excited at the prospect so we really hope the visit is a success.
Mrs. S, switching into Grandma mode!
At his last hospital check up, the doctor told my father that inactivity was a bigger threat to his health than his cancer, which is under control. Since then, Dad has been a lot more active. I think that for both my parents cancer was a terrifying diagnosis, and, despite many reassurances that it had been caught early enough to be treatable, neither of them fully believed that.
The level of care provided by the NHS (including the fact that screening meant that Dad had a diagnosis before he had any symptoms) has been incredible. It's not just the nuts and bolts of blood tests and medication but the friendliness and compassion with which the doctors and nurses treat Dad and Mum.
She was pretty tired by then - about 2.5 - 3 hours - so we came away feeling that we'd done well by everyone
NEQ - thank God for a GP saying the right thing: far more powerful than anything you can say or do!
Sarasa - hope things are going all right for you <votive> and indeed for anyone trying to do their best for an AP.
Mrs. S, tired but happy
Sarasa: is she in a totally independent living situation? Can carers come in (called Home Care here) to share the load of supervising the "ageing in place?
We also are thankful for public funding of health care. Kind people who want to help.
But, an unfortunate update from the hospital ophthalmologist today, one month after the last check showed gloriously normal pressures after laser beam surgery. The pressure is back into the dangerous level. (Damn damn double damn) Dangerous meaning will kill the vision. His vision was actually still 2 lines of the eye chart better, yay! But the pressure must come down. So he has urgent repeat surgery in 2 days.
Feeling so happy about his walker and improvement in vision, and so deflated with the pressure thing. So did the usual. Made tea. Strong and on the edge of bitterness. He's not an expressive man, but I could tell. And then I came home and had another cup here. No work today. And then cancelled my Friday off as well and told those who want to know, and those who should know, families being a mixture. And then yet another cup of tea.
Supposed to go to an evening committee meeting at the church tonight, missed the last one, had promised to go today. Was thinking of shirking my commitment, but it's a lovely late afternoon, so shall bicycle there after sup, which is the cheerfullest thing someone can think of doing, and my wife is that someone who told me this, and she knows things.
NP - A pain that the presure is building in the eye again, but I hope the surgery will see it off at least for a little while.
Mrs S - Lovely to hear about the good visit to the Dowager. I thinks sometimes small chidlren and adults just click and 'know each other in the things that are eternal' to quote a Quaker saying. I had a tricky relationship with my dad but from a very early age my son adored him. I just find it sad that dad died before my son was an adult as I can see them getting up to no good together - they both like/liked narrow boats, chemistry and whisky.
I had a phone call from mum this morning. She was shouting down the phone about not going to the memory clinic appointment next week. The more she ranted the more obvious it was she needs to go. I tried explaining why we've arranged the appointment with no success. I've contacted my brother and he will phone her later to try and convice her to go.
NP- I have glaucoma too, so every sympathy for your AP. But he is blessed to have you, and that you manage to be so patient with him <respect>
Sarasa -
Mrs. S
Thank you it was lovely, so much so that we've booked another one for September. Talking of holidays my brother thinks he persuaded mum that a holiday with me and my sister-in- law would be fun. I think it could be doable, and certainly better than either mum attempting to go on her own or just going with me.
On the other hand I've just had a message from my brother saying he's had mum on the phone telling him she's phoned up her doctors surgery to complain about me. Apparently she thinks the visit to the memory clinic next week is all my fault. Goodness knows what her GP will say. I am well and truly in the doghouse
Waiting now for the bandaged eye to be unbandaged.
No good deed goes unpunished, Sarasa - but the GP will surely see that you are only trying to help a trying old lady! <hug> Stay in the doghouse, and let your brother do the work - I notice that he isn't volunteering to go on holiday with her! <killingme>
Mrs. S, deeply sympathetic
@North East Quine good news the GP is insisting on your father increasing his activity
@The Intrepid Mrs S good news about your mother being settled and safe, well done the Intrepid Grandson with the charm offensive
@Curiosity killed - I have a horrible feeling it will end up with the police involved. I don't think it would take much for her to go and hit the neighbour or to be found wandering when she goes out shopping.
Mum has just been talking to my husband on the phone about how she doesn't have Alzheimer's as she still showers. He didn't pass her over to me as he knows how fragile I'm feeling about it all at the moment. Mum is still refusing to go to the clinic on Thursday. The appointment is for 9.30 and it's difficult enough to get mum up and ready for that time even if it is somewhere she wants to go, I doubt that we'll get her there. I've suggested to my brother that we re-arrange the appointment but still take her out for lunch. That will make her feel like we've listened to her, while still trying to move things forward.
Oh and she called my brother Vince. That is nothing like his name and we don't even have one in our cirlce of family and friends, so goodness knows where that came from.
I'm praying for a resolution to this, but as peaceful a one as possible <votive>
Mrs.S, sorrowful
Thank you, yes I think she is aware things are not right, but all her reasoning about how she doesn't have dementia only make that diagnosis more likely.
I think it will be a hard week. Mum phoned me later yesterday, and seemed quite cheerful, even though she was convinced my brother and I were coming today rather than Thursday and the neighbours had 'stolen' all the loo rolls. I told her to have a good look, as I know she had a new nine pack last week, but the 'neighbours come in and take them as they don't want to buy them for themselves.' Even so we had quite a cheeful conversation and she didn't seem adverse to Thursday's appointment. Then I get a message from my brother. His phone had been switched off, and when he switched it back on there were four messages in fifteen minuted from mum going on about how she doesn't have alzheimers isn't going to the clinic etc etc.