I'm so glad, Jane! I thought it was really important that all the kind souls who have supported me - and by extension, the Dowager - should know that it took months, and a change of medication, but contentment could be achieved.
Adding my thoughts on the hairdresser/manicurist debate - without a regular haircut the Dowager would be very unhappy. She remains very concerned about her appearance, though I think she can no longer see well enough to put on makeup. And having her nails done is a treat, so the cost of those is money well spent.
She will be 94 next week and we are taking the Intrepid Grandson along to wish her Happy Birthday. The home arranges a get-together for all the residents and bakes a big cake on the day, so we'll go down the day before and take her out to lunch.
Thank you to all for your kind thoughts - what I would have done without this thread to vent on, I don't know
Mrs S - I have found your posts about the Dowager have helped me make sense of some of the difficulties I had with both of my late parents, so any support is not only one way.
@The Intrepid Mrs S and @Jane R It has been brilliant hearing happy resolutions to the challenging situations that posters have been dealing with; for those still struggling it must give hope.
@The Intrepid Mrs S and @Jane R It has been brilliant hearing happy resolutions to the challenging situations that posters have been dealing with; for those still struggling it must give hope.
Hope the Dowager had/has a lovely birthday @The Intrepid Mrs S . I must say it is so refreshing to hear your and @Jane R 's news about how well your AP's have settled into care homes. I think if we could persuade mum that it was a good idea and found the right one she'd really enjoy it. She'd like not having to worry about cooking and cleaning, she'd enjoy having hairdresses and activities on tap and most of all she'd loved to have people to chat to.
The last two times I've seen her she's been OKish, very forgetful and vague, but at least not getting cross with me. I do worry about the whole neighbours thing, though the phone a family member when she thinks they've done something rather than going and knocking on their door seems to be working. She has re-written the past. The cough medicine that ended up on her leggings was the cough medicine she 'hid' from the neighbours last winter. She now thinks they came in and put it in her cupboard. She told my sister-in-law that she talks to them when they come in. I'm not sure if she really thinks that or she told SiL that to 'prove' that they DO come in.
Sister in law and I have also hatched a plan to take her to a posh hotel for a couple of days pampering. It's not what mum wants, she's after a week's river cruise preferably with added tour rep, but it's what we think we can manage.
Re-writing the past sounds awfully familiar, though to be fair I think the Dowager has always done this. Her recollection of events very often differs from mine!
If only you could persuade your Mum to engage with the idea of finding a care home she likes! Sadly the Dowager was still insisting that she wasn't ready for a care home only a few months before the GP laid down the law and she was forced into it, so it was All My Fault (as it were). Had she been able to express a preference she might have been in an even nicer one with day-care 'patients' coming in (more stimulus).
Still, we can only do our best @Sarasa, and there are many people worse off than we are
Mrs. S, taking balloons and the Intrepid Grandson tomorrow
Not too bad at all, thank you* Huia, though I was amazed that she could drift off to sleep in her chair while Mr. S and the Grandson read The Gruffalo's Child in strophe and antistrophe! She is very slow, but very impatient (waiting even a few minutes for her food seemed to irritate her quite unreasonably.) However she was very pleased to see him, and he very sweetly helped her open her present and cards
* we are at the stage of insisting on 'please' and 'thank you' at every turn!
What I love about families is that when you are trying to emphasise good manners to the children everyone's manners improve, as you become super aware of good role modelling.
Before entering her Care Home, my AP didn't use any cosmetics at all. In fact, i found a very keen statement that she had signed in the early fifties: " I promise that i will not.......attend dances....drink alcohol...use make up....gamble..... etc etc etc"
Fast forward to now, AP is enjoying her sherry and loving having her nails painted!
This isn't necessarily an "aging parent" thing as Mum has always been like this, but I want to vent.
On my last visit to my parents we were chatting about G, who is permanently disabled, but keeps being assessed to see if he has recovered sufficiently to work. Anyway, I mentioned that X doesn't have these problems and the conversation went as follows:
Mum: "But X isn't entitled to disability benefits, surely?"
Me (puzzled) "She's permanently disabled!"
Mum: "But she's a married woman. It's her husband's responsibility to provide for her"
Me: "She's not any less disabled just because she's married!"
Mum: "Are married women entitled to state benefits? Really? I didn't think the state would give benefits to a married woman!"
My father is a lovely, kind, caring, straightforward man. Mum didn't learn these attitudes from him. There's a lot I'd like to ask Mum about her life growing up, but I doubt she'd be honest. I think I'm going to left with a lot of unanswered questions. It's what I'm dreading most about losing her, this sense that in many ways my mother will always be someone I didn't truly know.
Reminds me of my father, who, when told that a friend of mine was getting married, remarked that he presumed she would be giving up work as she would have a husband to support her. ( even though at that time I was a working married woman).
Back to the disability angle, my mum had to be persuaded to accept that she did have care needs, enough to qualify for Attendance Allowance. She was far too busy focusing on how well she coped with her disabilities.
My father's very old-fashioned ideas about the "proper place" of "colored people" caused several problems at the nursing home, not only among the staff but also among one resident in particular.
I spoke to the Dowager yesterday (briefly - it never really seems worth all the effort of getting the staff to transfer the call to the mobile and then charge all over the home to find her, when she is probably asleep anyway, and then she clearly has had enough after only a couple of minutes) and the conversation started like this:
Mum: Hello my dear (affectionately)
Me: Hello darling, how are you? (ditto)
Mum: Oh, it's you (disappointed)
Me: Why, who did you think it was? They said it was your daughter.
Mum: My other mother, the one who knows all about me
Me:
She was pleased to hear about Master S's new home, and expressed great interest in seeing it 'especially if you're there, too'. Given that he's what, two hours ' drive away and she complains that any car journey is 'far' I don't see it happening...
Oh Mrs S that is hard, but it isn't 'her' it's the dementia. Maybe stick to face to face visits. My last phone call with my mother included a total muddled conversation about my visit to my cousin, J last weekend. Mum seems it difficult to understand quite simple concepts nowadays so talking about visitng a pub that was J's late husband's favourite really confused mum. I think she couldn't see how you could visit a place that someone liked without that person being there. She topped it off by talking about how the neighbours had left the heated towel rail on, and how she wished they'd turned it off when they used her bathroom. She seems to think they are lodging with her now????
It's okay, @Sarasa - nothing to what you have to bear! The Dowager is safe and there are people to look after her; a moment's disappointment isn't important! (but thank you for caring)
All I can do to support you is to offer what my friend J told me - don't try and reason. Your mother is trying to make sense of all these things (like Benylin in her leggings!) and her brain can't cope, so she is trying to invent a narrative that makes sense to her. All that logic and reason did for my dealings with the Dowager was to make them impossible!
As the chief penguin in 'Madagascar' says - 'Just smile and wave, boys, just smile and wave'.
Went to see mum today. I'd organised someone to come and talk about the Help at Home service. of course mum denied that she needed help of any sort, but at least we've opened the conversation on the matter.
She'd also gone and reserved a holiday on Monday. She is trying to get me to go with her, and even she admits now that she couldn't go on her own. I'm torn between going and at least giving her something to look forward to or saying no becuase I think when it comes to it she'll find it all too much even with my help. My husband is against the idea as he thinks we'll end up murdering each other, and he may well be right, I'm sure at the very least we'll fall out lots.
@Sarasa, I'm with your husband on this. How would you manage, if she started accusing other passengers of taking her things? or do you think you can keep her stuff sufficiently organised for her not to get agitated?
And on a river cruise, you are rather penned up with your travelling companions, aren't you? Would she like the company, or might she just take against someone randomly?
Still, it's really none of my business - (()) and good luck, whatever you decide to do.
@Sarasa hard, isn't it? Is there anyone else who could go with her? A young relative who is on school or university vacation who can be conned persuaded into a week's work? And who could be trusted to report back on difficulties?
Or use it to your advantage: you are already booked elsewhere next week but as she cannot go alone, how about booking a carer companion to go with her? Although that might be impossible to organise at this notice. And hopefully she'll realise how much support she needs.
Thank you for your thoughts and hugs, they sure are needed. I thought I'd found a brilliant Get out of Jail card yesterday when looking at the companie's website. It appeared from the dates of available cruises mum had booked for next year instead of this. No such luck, it must be an extra they've put on. I'm 90% sure I'm going to decline. It will disappoint mum terribly, but I really don't think she would cope and neither would I, ten years ago I'd have done it like a shot. As for anyone else, there isn't any I can think of that mum would contemplate going with apart from that flipping tour rep from six years ago!
She is only just managing at home. When I arrived yesterday she was in a flap becuase she thought the neighbours had been in and changed the tablet dispenser in her dishwasher. She'd even phoned the management company to complain.
The Dowager is still very far from herself. I don't think she can be back on the Risperidone after her hospital admission and the pneumonia; she is most terribly weak (can't stand or walk unaided) and it seems that after lunch she becomes restless and confused, wants to be doing something but doesn't know what, knowing her brain is failing. Just horrible.
She did say on Friday when I went to see her that she just wanted to die, but if she was only able to rest and recover from the pneumonia, she could be 'fine' again. The staff are lovely with her and will sit with her whenever they can (apparently she taught the children of at least one of the carers)
Poor lady - every time she has a crisis it becomes more likely that this will be her last; it takes longer to recover from and recovery is less and less complete. They bred them tough in those days...
The Dowager's back in hospital again, and when I rang up to ask how she was doing the nurse would hardly tell me anything 'because of data protection'. Moreover, I wasn't able to tell her anything of the Dowager's back story over the phone - I would have to go down in person :horrified:
'But I gave a very detailed account to the doctor when she was last admitted eight days ago'
'Oh, that won't have been retained, this is a new admission' at which point I gave up. I shall call again tomorrow and hope to get someone more pragmatic - I can't keep hurtling down the M5 every few days to give them yet another account of the Dowager's fall and decline, or it'll be me in the mortuary
What in the world has happened to the trolley-loads of notes she must have accumulated in the 55 years she's been going to that exact hospital?
Thanks Huia, I do appreciate your care for us
Mrs. S, wondering how long this can possibly go on
In theory, if you've signed all the right things to consent, a patient's records should all be on the same computer system, so every time you are seen by a hospital or GP they can all see each other's treatment. (In theory, she says through gritted teeth, because the burns unit has failed to put their treatment on my records.)
Yes records are hard. I started taking phone cam pictures and printing the history for my father. Everytime we go to an eye appt they have to see his provincial health card, ask him his address and date of birth, allergies, put a hospital bracelet on him, and I have started to greet the clerks by name. We're up for appt #14 since January.
My 2 sisters had "graciously" decided to visit. Once we got through "no you will stay with him and we will go away and you are not coming, this is respite for us", one shortened her trip and now wants free run of our "hotel-house", the other apparently can't find a dog sitter so maybe isn't coming "but if I do, I want to come when other sister is there"
We are starting to look at hiring someone. But that will ill suit my papa. Good family is hard to find.
Mrs. S., is it possible to type up information that they need and FAX the hospital? They may be not able to tell you anything, but you can tell them, surely. :votive:
@Lyda I don't honestly know. It just seems weird to me. What if I were in Canada, like my cousin when this happened to his mother?
I'm hoping that when I ring this morning I'll get someone different, who could perhaps call me back on the number they have for me as next of kin - I know they do, because they called me on it last time, to tell me she was being discharged!
Thanks for all your care for me, and for all your care for your own families. They're hard...
Mrs. S, who feels as if she's spent her life 'calling the hospital'
Sorry the Dowager isn't better yet, Mrs S. Do you have a health and welfare power of attorney as that should short-circuit all that stuff about not being able to tell you? At the very least you want to know how she is getting on. Prayers for her and your family.
After an evening of my mother phoning up and screaming at me when I said I wouldn't go on holiday with her things are back on a more or less even keel. When mum calmed down she phoned and apologised and I'm going over on Wednesday.
Apparently the recent brain scan only showed 'normal' shrinkage due to old age. Mum phoned me up twice in ten minutes on Friday to tell me that, as she'd forgotten she'd phoned the first time. I think we're have to go back to her GP and try another tack. Someone who tells you that the neighbours told her that they'd deliberately broken her bathroom cabinet door so she wouldn't hear them stealing her paracetomol doesn't, in my mind, appear to have 'normal' cognative functions.
Thanks @Sarasa - today's nurse was much more forthcoming and they seem to be giving her physio, OT, and so on rather than just the fluids. She's communicating well, apparently (hooray!) And I don't have a health LPOA, just the money one, though as they know I'm her next-of-kin I still don't see why yesterday's nurse couldn't tell me anything!
Anyway, yes, that is not normal cognitive function. I am amazed at the stories these old ladies can concoct on the spur of the moment to explain things like the big dents in both sides of the car ('well, you never know what happens in supermarket car parks, do you?')
And also very glad you aren't going away with her - I couldn't see that ending well...
All my worries about my dad having dementia and how we would manage have now been put to rest. He has a tumor that is going to remove him from any more aging. Dementia was a big concern for all of us but it feels pretty strange to see my dad who looks to be the picture of health and know it is going to end in the next few months or sooner.
Comments
eta: if she needs any more weight, I have more than enough that I could share ...
Adding my thoughts on the hairdresser/manicurist debate - without a regular haircut the Dowager would be very unhappy. She remains very concerned about her appearance, though I think she can no longer see well enough to put on makeup. And having her nails done is a treat, so the cost of those is money well spent.
She will be 94 next week and we are taking the Intrepid Grandson along to wish her Happy Birthday. The home arranges a get-together for all the residents and bakes a big cake on the day, so we'll go down the day before and take her out to lunch.
Thank you to all for your kind thoughts - what I would have done without this thread to vent on, I don't know
Mrs. S, grateful
I hope the Dowager has a lovely birthday.
Amen to that!
Happy birthday to the Dowager!
The last two times I've seen her she's been OKish, very forgetful and vague, but at least not getting cross with me. I do worry about the whole neighbours thing, though the phone a family member when she thinks they've done something rather than going and knocking on their door seems to be working. She has re-written the past. The cough medicine that ended up on her leggings was the cough medicine she 'hid' from the neighbours last winter. She now thinks they came in and put it in her cupboard. She told my sister-in-law that she talks to them when they come in. I'm not sure if she really thinks that or she told SiL that to 'prove' that they DO come in.
Sister in law and I have also hatched a plan to take her to a posh hotel for a couple of days pampering. It's not what mum wants, she's after a week's river cruise preferably with added tour rep, but it's what we think we can manage.
Re-writing the past sounds awfully familiar, though to be fair I think the Dowager has always done this. Her recollection of events very often differs from mine!
If only you could persuade your Mum to engage with the idea of finding a care home she likes! Sadly the Dowager was still insisting that she wasn't ready for a care home only a few months before the GP laid down the law and she was forced into it, so it was All My Fault (as it were). Had she been able to express a preference she might have been in an even nicer one with day-care 'patients' coming in (more stimulus).
Still, we can only do our best @Sarasa, and there are many people worse off than we are
Mrs. S, taking balloons and the Intrepid Grandson tomorrow
* we are at the stage of insisting on 'please' and 'thank you' at every turn!
Mrs. S, duty done
Glad it went well - I love Gruffalo's Child.
Fast forward to now, AP is enjoying her sherry and loving having her nails painted!
On my last visit to my parents we were chatting about G, who is permanently disabled, but keeps being assessed to see if he has recovered sufficiently to work. Anyway, I mentioned that X doesn't have these problems and the conversation went as follows:
Mum: "But X isn't entitled to disability benefits, surely?"
Me (puzzled) "She's permanently disabled!"
Mum: "But she's a married woman. It's her husband's responsibility to provide for her"
Me: "She's not any less disabled just because she's married!"
Mum: "Are married women entitled to state benefits? Really? I didn't think the state would give benefits to a married woman!"
My father is a lovely, kind, caring, straightforward man. Mum didn't learn these attitudes from him. There's a lot I'd like to ask Mum about her life growing up, but I doubt she'd be honest. I think I'm going to left with a lot of unanswered questions. It's what I'm dreading most about losing her, this sense that in many ways my mother will always be someone I didn't truly know.
Back to the disability angle, my mum had to be persuaded to accept that she did have care needs, enough to qualify for Attendance Allowance. She was far too busy focusing on how well she coped with her disabilities.
Mum: Hello my dear (affectionately)
Me: Hello darling, how are you? (ditto)
Mum: Oh, it's you (disappointed)
Me: Why, who did you think it was? They said it was your daughter.
Mum: My other mother, the one who knows all about me
Me:
She was pleased to hear about Master S's new home, and expressed great interest in seeing it 'especially if you're there, too'. Given that he's what, two hours ' drive away and she complains that any car journey is 'far' I don't see it happening...
Mrs. S, regretful
All I can do to support you is to offer what my friend J told me - don't try and reason. Your mother is trying to make sense of all these things (like Benylin in her leggings!) and her brain can't cope, so she is trying to invent a narrative that makes sense to her. All that logic and reason did for my dealings with the Dowager was to make them impossible!
As the chief penguin in 'Madagascar' says - 'Just smile and wave, boys, just smile and wave'.
Mrs. S, daughter of a born fabulist
She'd also gone and reserved a holiday on Monday. She is trying to get me to go with her, and even she admits now that she couldn't go on her own. I'm torn between going and at least giving her something to look forward to or saying no becuase I think when it comes to it she'll find it all too much even with my help. My husband is against the idea as he thinks we'll end up murdering each other, and he may well be right, I'm sure at the very least we'll fall out lots.
And on a river cruise, you are rather penned up with your travelling companions, aren't you? Would she like the company, or might she just take against someone randomly?
Still, it's really none of my business - (()) and good luck, whatever you decide to do.
Mrs. S, who would not have contemplated the idea!
Or use it to your advantage: you are already booked elsewhere next week but as she cannot go alone, how about booking a carer companion to go with her? Although that might be impossible to organise at this notice. And hopefully she'll realise how much support she needs.
She is only just managing at home. When I arrived yesterday she was in a flap becuase she thought the neighbours had been in and changed the tablet dispenser in her dishwasher. She'd even phoned the management company to complain.
The Dowager is still very far from herself. I don't think she can be back on the Risperidone after her hospital admission and the pneumonia; she is most terribly weak (can't stand or walk unaided) and it seems that after lunch she becomes restless and confused, wants to be doing something but doesn't know what, knowing her brain is failing. Just horrible.
She did say on Friday when I went to see her that she just wanted to die, but if she was only able to rest and recover from the pneumonia, she could be 'fine' again. The staff are lovely with her and will sit with her whenever they can (apparently she taught the children of at least one of the carers)
Poor lady - every time she has a crisis it becomes more likely that this will be her last; it takes longer to recover from and recovery is less and less complete. They bred them tough in those days...
Mrs. S, who's said goodbye in her mind many times
'But I gave a very detailed account to the doctor when she was last admitted eight days ago'
'Oh, that won't have been retained, this is a new admission' at which point I gave up. I shall call again tomorrow and hope to get someone more pragmatic - I can't keep hurtling down the M5 every few days to give them yet another account of the Dowager's fall and decline, or it'll be me in the mortuary
What in the world has happened to the trolley-loads of notes she must have accumulated in the 55 years she's been going to that exact hospital?
Thanks Huia, I do appreciate your care for us
Mrs. S, wondering how long this can possibly go on
In theory, if you've signed all the right things to consent, a patient's records should all be on the same computer system, so every time you are seen by a hospital or GP they can all see each other's treatment. (In theory, she says through gritted teeth, because the burns unit has failed to put their treatment on my records.)
Nen - who was dealing with similar stuff six years ago.
My 2 sisters had "graciously" decided to visit. Once we got through "no you will stay with him and we will go away and you are not coming, this is respite for us", one shortened her trip and now wants free run of our "hotel-house", the other apparently can't find a dog sitter so maybe isn't coming "but if I do, I want to come when other sister is there"
We are starting to look at hiring someone. But that will ill suit my papa. Good family is hard to find.
Carers everywhere
I'm hoping that when I ring this morning I'll get someone different, who could perhaps call me back on the number they have for me as next of kin - I know they do, because they called me on it last time, to tell me she was being discharged!
Thanks for all your care for me, and for all your care for your own families. They're hard...
Mrs. S, who feels as if she's spent her life 'calling the hospital'
After an evening of my mother phoning up and screaming at me when I said I wouldn't go on holiday with her things are back on a more or less even keel. When mum calmed down she phoned and apologised and I'm going over on Wednesday.
Apparently the recent brain scan only showed 'normal' shrinkage due to old age. Mum phoned me up twice in ten minutes on Friday to tell me that, as she'd forgotten she'd phoned the first time. I think we're have to go back to her GP and try another tack. Someone who tells you that the neighbours told her that they'd deliberately broken her bathroom cabinet door so she wouldn't hear them stealing her paracetomol doesn't, in my mind, appear to have 'normal' cognative functions.
Anyway, yes, that is not normal cognitive function. I am amazed at the stories these old ladies can concoct on the spur of the moment to explain things like the big dents in both sides of the car ('well, you never know what happens in supermarket car parks, do you?')
And also very glad you aren't going away with her - I couldn't see that ending well...
Mrs. S, conditioned to expect the worst <heehee>