I'm glad that your dad is being so well looked after @jedijudy. He may not remember the trip in his head, but I'm sure it is there in his heart. @Lamb Chopped I hope the trip to CA is a good one for Mr Lamb. It sounds worth going even if the brother is over stressing his sister's decline.
Thank you everyone! When I was with Dad today, I let him know I'll always remember our trip to PA, even if he doesn't! My daughter has ordered a picture book of our trip so he can look at it when he wants to. I've shown him the pictures on my phone, but larger pictures might ring a bell for him!
Lamb Chopped, I hope all goes well for Mr. Lamb's trip, and that the stress levels in the family dissipate quickly!
I have a gentle chuckle for you all. The Hospice counsellor called me yesterday to double check some of the info she got from Dad earlier in the day. She said, 'Your dad was in the Army during WWII, wasn't he?' Well, no. Not too bad of a confusion, considering he might have used the word 'Army' while meaning 'military'. (He was in the Navy on an aircraft carrier during the Korean War.)
The next question she asked me was what he did for a living. I told her he was a carpenter and a building contractor and earlier in his life he sold insurance. 'Aha' she said. Dad told her he raised horses for a living! I have no idea in the world where that notion might have come from!! We never had even one horse, and I don't think he ever cared for them one way or another!!
It just tickles me that he came up with these (and apparently other) ideas to tell the counsellor!!
As always, if he mentions these things to me, the correct response is GWI-Go With It!
I had to tell my mother's care home that if she came out with stories about meeting famous people they might be true. My sister in law works in high end film PR and she used to take mum to various premiers. My mother in law used to mix fact and fiction, so she thought she taught in WWII. She did teach but was still at school herself during the war. Maybe your dad has been watching something on TV. My mum was convinced she had to go to Coventry to sort out some double glazing. I think that was an advert for new windows.
When I was with Dad today, I let him know I'll always remember our trip to PA, even if he doesn't!
I watched an amazing thing on YouTube quite a long time ago about how to speak with those who have dementia or other conditions that involve forgetfulness, and it was saying the way to do it is not "Do you remember...?" which can cause stress but "I remember when we..." carries them along and may spark something even if it's not apparent. Also, if they sense you are enjoying a happy memory they will pick up that emotion and share it. So it sounds as though you're instinctively doing exactly the most helpful thing - well done!
My grandfather, on admission to hospital in 1996, was weighed. He was asked if he'd always been that weight and replied no, he used to be three stones heavier. This caused the doctor to note that he had experienced significant weight loss.
My father heard that the hospital were concerned about my grandfather's weight loss, and was puzzled as he wasn't aware of any weight loss. He queried whether the "three stones heavier" was accurate, and my grandfather confirmed that was his previous weight.
"I've got it in writing" he said "That's the weight written on my army discharge papers in 1946."
My wife met one of her retired colleagues from the library recently, and asked the usual questions about her family. It turned out that this lady's mother had just turned 102. She is bright and communicative - good company - but explains to people that she is in fact 63 and is a librarian. She has become her daughter!
North East Quine - do you think that was your Grandfather’s commitment to accuracy or his sense of humour? My dad, on going to hospital aged 79, was asked when his last admission was and said '1947'. The doctor turned to my mum for confirmation, she had to point out that this was before they met but it sounded right. Dad was quite amused.
Mum is now 80 and was last in hospital to have her gallbladder removed in the mid 1980s. I couldn’t tell you the exact year but at least can confirm it happened!
North East Quine - do you think that was your Grandfather’s commitment to accuracy or his sense of humour?
I think he was being deliberately awkward. He didn't want to have cancer and was being unco-operative with the doctors who told him that he had it. He was a heavy drinker and smoker and of course could do neither in hospital, which didn't help his mood.
He was a larger than life character who usually got his own way by force of personality. He said that he wasn't going to die of cancer and by sheer force of will I think, had a heart attack and died of that instead.
He was an amazing grandfather. He had missed out on his own children (Dad was only 3 when my grandfather joined the RAF in 1940, and 9 when he returned in 1946, a virtual stranger to his family) and he was determined not to miss out on his grandchildren and great-grandchildren.
Today was a very special day for my Dad! The Hospice folks had called me last week to see if I would mind very much them celebrating Dad's military service. I thought it was a great idea! Dad sometimes remembers that he was in the Navy, and all my life, he has cherished that part of his life.
Today was the ceremony. They called it a Valor Ceremony, and they presented him with lovely handmade keepsakes and the gentleman, who had also been in the Navy, saluted him.
This was such a touching honor. Daughter-Unit was also able to be with us, and she was also very happy to see her Grandpa having a fuss made over him!
We've managed to find a nursing home that can accommodate Mum now that Dad really can't carry on looking after her. The finance assessment is done, the contract is signed and now comes all the prep - list of medication, inventory of belongings, making sure everything has a name label, etc etc!
I currently work 4 long days a week and have Thursday off, so next week I am switching it to Friday which means I can be with Dad after the transport has gone, and take him out to a cafe for lunch. And then of course spend the afternoon phoning DWP, council, anyone else who needs to know.
Visiting will involve a train and bus/taxi, and essentially will take a whole morning or afternoon, which will take some getting used to. Dad will need a taxi both ways when he goes.
Our lovely local taxi driver Paul has been an absolute star. He lives near the home, and has already offered to go to the shops if Mum runs out of anything essential (Lotus biscuits being the most likely candidate) and drop them in to the home. He's said we can pay him when we see him. Such generosity is truly touching.
Our lovely local taxi driver Paul has been an absolute star. He lives near the home, and has already offered to go to the shops if Mum runs out of anything essential (Lotus biscuits being the most likely candidate) and drop them in to the home.
It's amazing to have good folks offer help!
Your Mum sounds like my Daddy-O...he needs to have Oreos on hand at all times!
Oh, gosh, ThunderBunk. It's so hard seeing our mothers, who would never have thought of having dessert for all meals in their younger days, changing their diets so radically. My mom was the same, but she was living on chocolate pudding.
I can easily see myself, left to my own devices, existing on a diet of McVities digestive biscuits and buttered toast spread with Bovril. They are already my go-to comfort food.
It's probably just as well that I have to cook for Mr RoS, who would otherwise live on cheese & biscuits, fried egg sandwiches and ice creams.
As long as he's around and I am capable there will be proper meals, but I'm not sure I'd bother much just for me.
You’d be surprised. Amiable spouse and I live 1200 km apart most of the time and I certainly cook a lot ( now 71 & still working). He is also 71, a better cook than I but lazier and more inclined to eat at one of the various establisments around Hobart Town.
FromMr RoS's habit of hoovering up any leftovers at communal events there is a general perception that I do not feed him, and he gets given food parcels, so if I do drop of my perch first he will be well provisioned.
I am the one who, if left alone, will be on the biscuit and toast diet.
Thank you. She is currently very angry and anxious. This comes out as an obsession with someone (who is actually an old school friend who visits often and is lovely!) Last night and today all we've had is "Don't let [name] come here. She's going to cut my fingers off. She's going to make me take my clothes off and lie on the floor. She's going to throw me in the dustbin." Over and over, for hours on end. I think it must be her worries about going in the home, being expressed in the only way she can. Heartbreaking for Dad.
One of the last things I tried to do with my mother was to get some of her story down on paper before she passed. I had encouraged her to write her memoirs unguided, but she ended up repeating some stories over and over again. Her handwriting was getting harder to decipher too. I did a couple of interviews with her which helped fill in some stories.
For instance, I learned about her first marriage. I also learned during the war she had a Harley Davidson her husband left with her. After the war, though, they were divorced and he got the motorcycle back.
I learned about her romance with my father. Hot and steamy it was.
There were many things I did not know.
For what it is worth, do get your parents to write their stories.
I have a friend whose kids gave him a program called Storyworth. Each week he gets a question about his life which he answers. After a year, the program binds his answers in a book and the kids will get a copy. Since he is a renown economist, his story might have more than family value.
I have done some writing of my own history. I might just order the program for myself.
As the program says, everyone has a story. I am sure you would like to know more about your parents' story.
Thank you. She is currently very angry and anxious. This comes out as an obsession with someone (who is actually an old school friend who visits often and is lovely!) Last night and today all we've had is "Don't let [name] come here. She's going to cut my fingers off. She's going to make me take my clothes off and lie on the floor. She's going to throw me in the dustbin." Over and over, for hours on end. I think it must be her worries about going in the home, being expressed in the only way she can. Heartbreaking for Dad.
It's very sad the way the wandering mind works. One of the last times I saw my mother she was recounting how a neighbour had looked as he went to kill himself - and her guilt at not intervening. In fact, he died of cancer. I could discern that what she was really thinking about was the suicide of someone else she'd been close to.
Their consciousness becomes like dreaming - illogical and associative but still, somehow, meaningful.
Hope project Shady Pines is progressing well @Gill H .
I’ve just had a phone call with mum’s care home about the sudden decline in her health. It looks like we are approaching the end of life, though it doesn’t sound to be imminent.
Thanks all. This week has been a real journey of discovery. Miraculously, Mum was in a good mood when the ambulance staff came, and they let me travel with them which was unexpected. This meant I could be with Mum while they settled her in, and could give her dinner (which despite not being what she normally eats, she did manage). However, she didn't realise I couldn't stay there with her all the time, and was distressed when I had to go.
The next day we got a phone call to say she wouldn't let anyone near her, so had to jump in a taxi and go over to be with her. I managed to get her to eat dinner (again, nothing like anything she has eaten for the last 3 years but we did it).
On the Sunday I had a call to say that she had eaten her cereal and asked for another bowl! And even more surprisingly, that the staff had taken her to the lounge in a 'bucket chair'. She hasn't been out of bed for almost three years, so that really was unexpected.
Dad visited with a friend on Monday, and found she was chatty and lively, almost like she was three years ago. I went this morning and she was tired and a little grumpy, but not as bad as previously. So we're playing each day as it comes.
I continue to be impressed by the staff, who are making huge efforts to keep her comfortable, and being very conscientious about telling us of any minor issue such as redness on the skin.
Meanwhile, Dad and I are ploughing through all the financial arrangements (it's mostly council funded but we have to organise a contribution from Mum and one from Dad, and the paperwork is hellish).
Dad is finding it very lonely, and the care staff are struggling as there aren't enough of them available in the area now for his visits. The alternative is to find a different care agency, but this would be very upsetting for him and for the care staff (one of them burst into tears at the idea!) So currently we stagger on.
I'm sorry it's going so hard for you, but how wonderful that she ate and went to the lounge!
My husband's in California right now to see his sister, who has dementia and is in a nursing home (that is trying to get rid of her, as they don't want to handle her level of care needs. They are certified to do so, but would prefer not to.).
My brother-in-law has been alarming us with stories of how frail she is and how little she eats. So this may be a "last time I see you" kind of visit, because our extended family has not been able to find a better way of caring for her than this place, for all our trying.
Comments
And for the Lambs.
Lamb Chopped, I hope all goes well for Mr. Lamb's trip, and that the stress levels in the family dissipate quickly!
The next question she asked me was what he did for a living. I told her he was a carpenter and a building contractor and earlier in his life he sold insurance. 'Aha' she said. Dad told her he raised horses for a living! I have no idea in the world where that notion might have come from!!
It just tickles me that he came up with these (and apparently other) ideas to tell the counsellor!!
As always, if he mentions these things to me, the correct response is GWI-Go With It!
My father heard that the hospital were concerned about my grandfather's weight loss, and was puzzled as he wasn't aware of any weight loss. He queried whether the "three stones heavier" was accurate, and my grandfather confirmed that was his previous weight.
"I've got it in writing" he said "That's the weight written on my army discharge papers in 1946."
Mum is now 80 and was last in hospital to have her gallbladder removed in the mid 1980s. I couldn’t tell you the exact year but at least can confirm it happened!
I think he was being deliberately awkward. He didn't want to have cancer and was being unco-operative with the doctors who told him that he had it. He was a heavy drinker and smoker and of course could do neither in hospital, which didn't help his mood.
He was a larger than life character who usually got his own way by force of personality. He said that he wasn't going to die of cancer and by sheer force of will I think, had a heart attack and died of that instead.
He was an amazing grandfather. He had missed out on his own children (Dad was only 3 when my grandfather joined the RAF in 1940, and 9 when he returned in 1946, a virtual stranger to his family) and he was determined not to miss out on his grandchildren and great-grandchildren.
Today was the ceremony. They called it a Valor Ceremony, and they presented him with lovely handmade keepsakes and the gentleman, who had also been in the Navy, saluted him.
This was such a touching honor. Daughter-Unit was also able to be with us, and she was also very happy to see her Grandpa having a fuss made over him!
We've managed to find a nursing home that can accommodate Mum now that Dad really can't carry on looking after her. The finance assessment is done, the contract is signed and now comes all the prep - list of medication, inventory of belongings, making sure everything has a name label, etc etc!
I currently work 4 long days a week and have Thursday off, so next week I am switching it to Friday which means I can be with Dad after the transport has gone, and take him out to a cafe for lunch. And then of course spend the afternoon phoning DWP, council, anyone else who needs to know.
Visiting will involve a train and bus/taxi, and essentially will take a whole morning or afternoon, which will take some getting used to. Dad will need a taxi both ways when he goes.
Our lovely local taxi driver Paul has been an absolute star. He lives near the home, and has already offered to go to the shops if Mum runs out of anything essential (Lotus biscuits being the most likely candidate) and drop them in to the home. He's said we can pay him when we see him. Such generosity is truly touching.
It's amazing to have good folks offer help!
Your Mum sounds like my Daddy-O...he needs to have Oreos on hand at all times!
It's probably just as well that I have to cook for Mr RoS, who would otherwise live on cheese & biscuits, fried egg sandwiches and ice creams.
As long as he's around and I am capable there will be proper meals, but I'm not sure I'd bother much just for me.
I am the one who, if left alone, will be on the biscuit and toast diet.
For instance, I learned about her first marriage. I also learned during the war she had a Harley Davidson her husband left with her. After the war, though, they were divorced and he got the motorcycle back.
I learned about her romance with my father. Hot and steamy it was.
There were many things I did not know.
For what it is worth, do get your parents to write their stories.
I have a friend whose kids gave him a program called Storyworth. Each week he gets a question about his life which he answers. After a year, the program binds his answers in a book and the kids will get a copy. Since he is a renown economist, his story might have more than family value.
I have done some writing of my own history. I might just order the program for myself.
As the program says, everyone has a story. I am sure you would like to know more about your parents' story.
I wish I had done this with my father.
It's very sad the way the wandering mind works. One of the last times I saw my mother she was recounting how a neighbour had looked as he went to kill himself - and her guilt at not intervening. In fact, he died of cancer. I could discern that what she was really thinking about was the suicide of someone else she'd been close to.
Their consciousness becomes like dreaming - illogical and associative but still, somehow, meaningful.
I’ve just had a phone call with mum’s care home about the sudden decline in her health. It looks like we are approaching the end of life, though it doesn’t sound to be imminent.
My thoughts and prayers for you and yours. It's such a hard thing to do to prepare to let go of your mother.
The next day we got a phone call to say she wouldn't let anyone near her, so had to jump in a taxi and go over to be with her. I managed to get her to eat dinner (again, nothing like anything she has eaten for the last 3 years but we did it).
On the Sunday I had a call to say that she had eaten her cereal and asked for another bowl! And even more surprisingly, that the staff had taken her to the lounge in a 'bucket chair'. She hasn't been out of bed for almost three years, so that really was unexpected.
Dad visited with a friend on Monday, and found she was chatty and lively, almost like she was three years ago. I went this morning and she was tired and a little grumpy, but not as bad as previously. So we're playing each day as it comes.
I continue to be impressed by the staff, who are making huge efforts to keep her comfortable, and being very conscientious about telling us of any minor issue such as redness on the skin.
Meanwhile, Dad and I are ploughing through all the financial arrangements (it's mostly council funded but we have to organise a contribution from Mum and one from Dad, and the paperwork is hellish).
Dad is finding it very lonely, and the care staff are struggling as there aren't enough of them available in the area now for his visits. The alternative is to find a different care agency, but this would be very upsetting for him and for the care staff (one of them burst into tears at the idea!) So currently we stagger on.
My husband's in California right now to see his sister, who has dementia and is in a nursing home (that is trying to get rid of her, as they don't want to handle her level of care needs. They are certified to do so, but would prefer not to.).
My brother-in-law has been alarming us with stories of how frail she is and how little she eats. So this may be a "last time I see you" kind of visit, because our extended family has not been able to find a better way of caring for her than this place, for all our trying.