In Mum's family, it's mostly about maintaining a happy fiction of respectability. E.g.
We don't have alcoholics in the family, she broke her ankle slipping on ice.
We don't have depression in the family, the overdose was because the pharmacist couldn't read the doctor's handwriting and issued too high a dose.
We don't have casual sex in the family, that shameless girl took advantage of him when he was drunk.
We don't have adulterers in the family, we have no idea why that woman claimed to have been his mistress.
We don't have wife-beaters in the family, she got that black eye walking into a door.
Of course he's not a rapist, that jury was just fooled by her tears.
He's not gay, he just hasn't met the right girl yet. He'll end the relationship with his boyfriend as soon as he meets a nice girl.
So there is a complicated web of "official" truth and the secret real truth. And a complicated pattern of who knows which version. I don't know how many family secrets have been kept from me. However, generally when I've been told the true version, I've also been told the parameters of who knows the true version and who must not be told.
It's a complicated awareness to live with, NEQ. I rarely post on anything to do with family because the distress of disclosure and feelings of guilt or betrayal are so hard to bear. At the same time, I know how I've been helped when others post about difficult deceptions in family life -- and in my experience with elderly relatives, the haunted fearful nature of what has been 'officially forgotten', revised or repressed is a great burden for them as they age.
Apologies, that came over excessively vehement, and I've been asking myself why. I think it's because of the analogy with coming out, in that this is an assertion of one's own reality in the face of a familial culture which would rather ignore it. Also, my paternal grandmother operated on that basis, and family life improved to the extent that versions were compared and reality given priority over the various partial versions.
My brother and I went to see mum again today. She seems more frail and more forgetful than she was ten days ago. Brother and I called in to see her GP first to explain our concerns about her, even though the recent brain scan was normal. As I thought there is nothing he can do to force her to do anything while she is deemed to have capacity, but we have made an appointment for her to go to see him, with us, next week.
While we were there the nighbours phoned my brother and he popped in to see them. Apparently mum has been laying siege to their flat and trying to get in with her key. Certainly most of her conversation while in her flat was about the things they had 'taken'.
We then went out for lunch. Mum spent a lot of the lunch going on about how much she loves the tour rep from six years ago
Today's drama was mum ringing the neighbours doorbell in her bath towel asking them to stop turning her bathroom heater on. It's an image I don't want to think about.
Thanks for the supprt. I think I'm going to have to contact Social Services and see what they suggest we do next.
Can the neighbours call social care too? Or maybe they will have to call the police to make a complaint? Which will go on file and then their response can be a request for a referral to social care (it's where I was two days before I was assaulted). It's very difficult to refer anyone to social care as a concerned neighbour. If it's coming from the neighbours who are being hassled and/or the police, social services may pay more attention. Sorry you're going through this Sarasa.
Not in the same league as @Sarasa's troubles, but Mr. S and I are going down to start the long process of clearing the Dowager's old home, ready to sell it. It's just sitting there, eating up money, and she's never going to be able to go back there *sigh*
So, a small skip has been ordered for tomorrow and we are going to try and get rid of some of the cr*ppy furniture that has just accreted there over the last 50 years. Four large bedrooms and half a dozen packed wardrobes - oh, my heart sinks just thinking about it!
Mrs. S, hoping things will look better once she gets started!
Mrs S.
Our sympathy (emoji?)
Judging from our experience a few years ago you will need more than one small skip. But we did also salvage quite a lot of still-useful stuff in good condition that we donated to the local Salvation Army crew. As usual, they sold some through their op shop and gave some directly to families in need (e.g. "everyday" crockery, bedlinen, etc).
Visited my aged mother in her nursing home last week. Since it's 1500km away from where we live, we only do this every few months. She has rather lost interest in the world around her, as she is now the last of her generation in our family. Although she can still make coherent conversation about her (our) relatives, including grandchildren and great-grandchildren, she clearly thinks that she has little worth living for. Rarely moves from her bed or armchair, in part because of sores on her leg (which are competently nursed by an attentive and caring staff) and rather hopes that some sudden illness will sweep her away.
My F-i-L went out in similar style a few years ago, after his wife of 60 years died from a stroke. So we've seen it before, and fear that there is not much we can do to help apart from staying in touch.
Mrs S do check everything carefully before chucking it. Mum has money and valuables in odd places. We has £300.00 flutter out of a book at the charity bookshop I volunteer in. As the book wasn't gift aided we couldn't reunite the money with the owner.
Tukai, glad your mother is settled in her home, though it must be rather sad not being able to see her often.
Mine is getting more confused by the day. She's just phoned to ask why I was going out with her next door neighbours this lunch time. I was having lunch in my own garden at the time.
A lot of our APs tend to hide money in "safe" places. I was helping my mother pack up her home to move halfway across the country to live with my sister. I was quite startled to find a rather large amount of cash hidden among the towels in the linen closet. My sister and I wondered what treasures the people who bought her house found in nooks and crannies that we hadn't checked. (My father sometimes hid jewelry in the attic beams before we went out of town.)
Prayers for all who are facing these issues.
:votive:
Do you know, @Sarasa , apart from £30 in a discarded purse, I don't think Mum hoarded money? I know my friend and her sister found thousands in her mother's bungalow when she went into hospital, so we were checking - but oh, the STUFF! Every drawer and every cupboard were stuffed with cr*p and every room has about twice as much furniture in it as it should. We filled a 2 cu m skip and the dustbin and recycling bins, and did a tip run to get rid of the oldest of the airing cupboard contents - black and white striped pillow, anyone?
But it was the pictures that really got to me - hundreds of family photos in frames, some out on display and some stuffed into drawers, and then she had been a keen amateur artist so there were tens and tens of drawing, watercolours, oil paintings...and pictures going back to beforethedawnatime, which I remembered from my childhood *sigh*
And even charity shops seem to have more books and photo frames than they can accept...
Anyway, the house looks bigger, cleaner and tidier without that cargo of grot, but 36 hours were all we could take! Back again next week to talk to an estate agent; I know that no-one who buys that house to live in (rather than to bulldoze) would expect to move straight in, but I remember when we were house-hunting that it's very hard to see past the books all higgledy-piggledy on the shelves (anathema!) and suchlike.
Mrs S, that sounds like a job and a half. My dad passed most of the old family photos on to me before he died, many with helpful notes on the back as to who they are. Mum might put money in odd places, but she doesn't hoard, quite the reverse in fact, which is why dad passed on the photos, he knew mum was likely to chuck them otherwise. Hope you get some decent valuations for it. A friend has just had the same thing with her mother in laws place. She says its the worst house on a nice road, so fully expects it to go to a developer.
I took mum back to the GP today and he's asked the community mental health team to visit her at home, so success. I made sure that they contact my brother or I as well so that mum can't wiggle out of it The fact that the GP told mum she couldn't say no helped, she is usually good at following doctors orders.
Mum gave the doctor a run down of what the neighbours have been doing. My favourite was taking her prescription card and trying to get her blood-pressure tablets from the chemist. I didn't know there was a black market in them. The GP was trying very hard not to laugh.
Re the several weeks ago funeral discussion and family secrets. We sometimes try to orchestrate things we're only spectators for. Which I guess also applies to trying to organize our parents. And come to think of it, sometimes ourselves.
@Sarasa that must be an immense relief <spinning smiley> I'm so glad someone else is finally on the case - and if your mother likes the GP she is likely to follow doctor's orders (the only way we got the Dowager into care).
@Tukai , I'm sorry I missed your posts. That must be hard, being so far away, because it's one heck of a journey to see your mother. If you have no other reason to make the trip, it might feel a bit unrewarding (we usually have a rule, if you are on the road for longer than you are *there*, you don't go - but it doesn't work even with my visits to Mum, let alone yours!)
Just saw off sister who was here for a week. She understood and did much better. It is hard for me to be assertive with family. She took my father to a medical appt, sat for hours with him, fed and talked to him, encouraged. This was lovely for us, as it gave us some time of quiet and calm. She has got the understanding of what is happening, and hopefully communicates this all to the rest of them. It went better than I thought it would.
We also had a talk about his wishes for his will, and I'm to take him to the lawyer to sort out. It will make things non-controversial (we hope) when time comes. He doesn't want a funeral at all. My mother didn't want either, but we did a small one because we needed it and the ashes needed to be handled (he had them in the living room and was scared to go into the room). We think that this is for further discussion that it isn't a burden, and we will want something. It seems the word "funeral" distresses him, and that if we use the term "memorial" he has a much better response. Apparently people are too upset at funerals and memorials are happy. As far as I understand, these are two labels for the same thing. Perhaps with memorial, the person's remains aren't present. So the direction appears that we'll have a memorial. he listens to my sister better than me, probably because she hasn't been around and is more special because of it. No problem with that!
Glad things went well with your sister's visit, @NOprophet_NØprofit . I do think trying to keep relationships going with siblings when dealing with elderly parents is tricky. My brother and I are getting on much better now we are communicating more frequently about my mother.
Since my last post, mum has had dealing with the police three times. Twice I know about because the police phoned me after she'd phoned them about the neighbours and they'd been round. The third time, yesterday, the neighbours phoned the police after mum went and shouted at them about stealing a ring. The policeman told mum not to call on the neighbours again, but instead call the police if she was worried. I think he hinted that if she did it again, the police would have to call in the emergency mental health team, but mum wasn't clear on that. The ring was in the living room in its box, 'But I never leave it there, they must have brought it back and put it there.' Yep, along with the pie they took out of mum's fridge and left on a chair.
I also had a call last week from the Mental Health Team. They'd phoned mum and she told them she was fine. I explained she wasn't, and they are trying to set up a meeting when I and, hopefully my brother, can be there. I gave the man all my contact details, explaining that as I'm deaf email is the best way to communicate as I struggle hearing people on crackly mobiles. Annoyingly I forgot to get his email address, so I'm going to have to brave finding the phone number of the local team and chasing the appointment up if I don't hear in the next week.
The assessment things are difficult I think @Sarasa. We've discussed the home assistance assessment, and he thinks he can manage. We see it as an at time he can't, but mostly lumps along. The line we're also considering is dangerousness. If what your mum is doing isn't dangerous, but annoying, it's something to manage somehow - you seem to be managing with a fair bit of concern and trouble, but is it harmful? Getting close perhaps. Quite a conundrum.
I hate to say it, @NOprophet_NØprofit and @Sarasa, but it sounds harmful to me. If I were one of those neighbours, I would be spending all my time worrying about what was going to happen next. They seem to have behaved very well so far, but surely sooner or later they will snap.
My mother the Dowager wasn't capable of learning much, but when she went and banged on a neighbour's door before 7 am because her TV didn't work - he managed to convince her not to do it again. I don't know how he did it, but if he had not been such a nice person and known her when she was well, she could have been putting herself at risk. Think of CK, after all.
Sorry, @Sarasa - I know that isn't what you want to hear :sorry:
{Just to clarify: My neighbour knocked on my door before assaulting me, I was trying to avoid getting into a worse situation with a neighbour who was becoming more unstable.]
I think what my mother is doing IS harmful, and I feel desperately sorry for the neighbours having to put up with her rants. I've been on the end of them and I know they are not pleasant. I'm hoping that the policeman that spoke to her on Sunday has convinced her to stop doing it, but I know when she thinks something has been stolen all logic goes out the window.
She's just phoned me up as she's managed to hurt her finger while having a dream about putting a skirt on. She's off to see the famous Dr M this morning. I hope he reminds her that turning down a visit from the mental health team is not an option
{Just to clarify: My neighbour knocked on my door before assaulting me, I was trying to avoid getting into a worse situation with a neighbour who was becoming more unstable.]
I know, CK - I was just trying to point out that neighbours aren't always as restrained as @Sarasa's mother's seem to have been so far...
Mrs. S, deeply sympathetic to all in that situation
What sort of liaison is there between the police and Social Services? I'm thinking that sooner or later the police will consider charging her with wasting their time, and that may be the point when mental/geriatric health professionals come into the equation.
Like Mrs. S, I hate putting it into words, but in the long run it may work out the better for your mum.
I've just had a phone call from the mental health team and we've set up a visit to mum while I'm there next week. I'm going to try and not tell mum before hand so that she doesn't refuse.
I've also had a frustrating afternoon trying to cancel my mother's broadband account. Boo for call centres where the sound is so fuzzy and distorted a deaf person like me hasn't got a chance of understanding what they are saying. And yes, I tried to do it all on-line before that.
That's very good Sarasa! The MH team. (The broadband isn't. )
My prodigal brother (lives in Asia) has announced he is showing in 1 week for 2 weeks. A gift of my sister who just left. "See your dad before he's gone". So the aftermath of a good visit is one I'm dreading. He's a charming user of others. My wife has intervened with some clear expectations. My overt behaviour will be polite.
Just in case anyone thought my life had become a bed of roses - it hasn't.
I had a call from the care home just as I was setting out this morning - the Dowager had had another fall, hit her head etc etc. Paramedics. GP called. Hoof it down there, to discover that she was accusing the carer of wrestling her to the ground in an attempt to 'stop the message getting through'. 'What message, Mum?' 'About our part of the crocodile. Or perhaps it was about the timing of the uprising'.
As far as I can make out, she was walking up the corridor with an empty cup and saucer, taking it back to the kitchen. The carer probably approached and said 'Let me take that for you, Dowager' but Mum would not relinquish it, caught her finger in the handle of the cup and ended up on the floor.
I then had to battle all the 'But I don't fall over unless someone pushes me!' (Mum, you fall over All The Time) and 'I don't bruise easily' (you bruise if I look at you hard). She couldn't remember any of her more recent falls, or why she'd been in hospital, or had a cut on her leg that won't heal.
However, I found her copies of the little photobooks I did for The intrepid Grandson and for her, one about her 93rd birthday when we were all together and one about Christmas, and she was thrilled all over again. Funny how the pair of them are at opposite ends of the intellectual seesaw, but they enjoy the same things...
Alright, how do you get a parent to remember that they can take paracetamol during the day not just at night? Dad either takes four at once or will only take two at night (with maybe a second set later in the night) then grumbles to me about how much pain he is in at the end of the day.
Oh sweetie - thank you! To be fair, life has been easier recently, so I was lulled into the famous False Sense of Security...
Mrs. S, still wondering where the crocodile comes into it
Did she mean the actual reptile or the crocodile of schoolchildren walking down the street? Neither actually fits the circumstances of the fall. Hope she is recovering well from this fall.
@The Intrepid Mrs S Glad The Dowager hasn't done anything to herself that needed another trip to hospital. I think our Aged Ps find it impossible to think that anything that happens is their fault. Like @Lothlorien I assumed she was thinking about a crocodile of school children, maybe she was told off as a child for stepping out of line?
More drama on my mother front, she managed to lock herself in again yesterday morning and had the police out to sort it out. They sent my brother a voicemail message (mum keeps on forgetting he's on holiday) about the lock being stiff which he relayed to me. Yesterday evening she either managed to lock herself in and couldn't get out or couldn't lock herself in, both my husband and I spoke to her and she wasn't clear on the point. Either way she was in a total meltdown about how the neighbours were going to come in and murder her, and no amount of reassurance was helping. She'd obviously phoned the police again before she phoned us, because she broke off the call as the doorbell rang. Ten minutes later I got a call from the ambulance service who were checking her over. They didn't think she needed to go to hospital , but he was checking I was aware about her paranoia and probable dementia. He seemed relieved when I told him that we had someone coming to see her on Wednesday. I wasn't intending on visiting till then, but I'm going to go over today armed with some WD40. Of course as I'm a woman mum won't trust me to do anything 'technical'.
My crocodile - and I have no idea which variety it might be - is such a small thing compared to Mama Sarasa's issues. @Sarasa , I'm so sorry for what you are going through And good luck with the WD40!
@Jengie Jon - I don't know, but they seem horribly resistant to taking painkillers, using fans in the hot weather, carrying a walking stick - in the Dowager's case because she feels she 'shouldn't' need to. She 'ought to' be able to manage without. Why this self-denying ordinance comes into play I have no idea. Are they just terrified of becoming dependent on them? Your poor father would be much better off taking the paracetamol regularly, one at a time.
The Dowager's fingers were sore after her fall, but when I suggested she take a paracetamol, no, she wouldn't (and they do ask her regularly if she is in pain and wants one). Okay, well, take one tonight before you go bed, because you don't want to be woken in the night by pain. 'Why? I didn't need one last night'.
BECAUSE LAST NIGHT YOU HADN'T FALLEN OVER AND BRUISED YOUR FINGERS!
So, it's no good asking me how you persuade an AP to do anything!
@Jengie Jon - Not sure what to advise on that one, can the doctor prescribe pain killing patches or is that a bit of an overkill?
Mum's other drama this week was hurting her finger while having a dream about hanging up skirts. She trotted to the GP who said it's just arthritis, but she insisted on a scan. I was saying why not just take paracetamol if it hurts. Talking to a friend this week, he reckons that people who live to a great age, such as my mum, do so because they are hypochondriacs!
Experience with my late aged Mum was that she did not accept that paracetamol had been prescribed for her to take regularly during episodes of pain, not to take one dose and wait until the pain recurred to take the next. @Jengie Jon, would your father cope with a reminder set in his 'phone (if it allows reminders: I remember you posting about his 'phone elsewhere).
When Mother-in-law was still living at home we actually took her painkillers away... we didn't WANT to leave her in pain, but we thought there was quite a high risk of her forgetting how many she'd taken and giving herself an overdose. Liver failure is not a nice way to go. After the mysterious incident of the injury in the night-time (when the carers arrived to give her breakfast her ear was bleeding; they couldn't work out whether she'd gashed herself with scissors or fallen over on something sharp) we took away most of the sharp implements, too.
The main problem we have now is that she keeps running through her pocket money really quickly - having her hair done every week soon mounts up. But it makes her happy and it's her money. We are considering increasing her monthly allowance...
Prayers ascending for the Dowager and Sarasa's mum.
I am now the oldest in my family. I don't like the feeling. I also suspect I am being watched by the others for signs that I am the Aging (and Difficult) relative
This morning at Meeting I held those of you with confused and / or dementing parents in the light. I’ve been fortunate in that my Dad, who had vascular dementia, Parkinson’s and heart trouble, was cared for at home by my Mum until his last year when he went into care. This only happened when Mum was unable to safely pick him up when he fell.
My father in law was stubborn and determined to stay in his own home, living alone. He hid his health problems from us. I suspect he was nearly blind at the end.
So I read this thread and rarely comment, but my heart goes out to you and your families.
Yesterday Dad took all his paracetamols how? I bullied him into doing it as I was visiting. I also gave away to the carers that he was misleading them about how often he took his paracetamols. They were having conversations like
Dad: "my knee is hurting"
Carer: "have you taken any paracetamol"
Dad: "Yes"
Dad meant yes, I take them regularly before going to be at night. The conversation normally took place at 4:00 pm in the afternoon.
@Jengie, could your dad get one of those little pillbox thingies with days/times marked on them, so that he could take his tablets at regular intervals?
Comments
We don't have alcoholics in the family, she broke her ankle slipping on ice.
We don't have depression in the family, the overdose was because the pharmacist couldn't read the doctor's handwriting and issued too high a dose.
We don't have casual sex in the family, that shameless girl took advantage of him when he was drunk.
We don't have adulterers in the family, we have no idea why that woman claimed to have been his mistress.
We don't have wife-beaters in the family, she got that black eye walking into a door.
Of course he's not a rapist, that jury was just fooled by her tears.
He's not gay, he just hasn't met the right girl yet. He'll end the relationship with his boyfriend as soon as he meets a nice girl.
So there is a complicated web of "official" truth and the secret real truth. And a complicated pattern of who knows which version. I don't know how many family secrets have been kept from me. However, generally when I've been told the true version, I've also been told the parameters of who knows the true version and who must not be told.
I think when my I Don’t Give A Damn T-shirt is in the wash, I’ve got one saying For Fuck’s Sake, Who Cares?
While we were there the nighbours phoned my brother and he popped in to see them. Apparently mum has been laying siege to their flat and trying to get in with her key. Certainly most of her conversation while in her flat was about the things they had 'taken'.
We then went out for lunch. Mum spent a lot of the lunch going on about how much she loves the tour rep from six years ago
You bet. So sorry...
Thanks for the supprt. I think I'm going to have to contact Social Services and see what they suggest we do next.
So, a small skip has been ordered for tomorrow and we are going to try and get rid of some of the cr*ppy furniture that has just accreted there over the last 50 years. Four large bedrooms and half a dozen packed wardrobes - oh, my heart sinks just thinking about it!
Mrs. S, hoping things will look better once she gets started!
Our sympathy (emoji?)
Judging from our experience a few years ago you will need more than one small skip. But we did also salvage quite a lot of still-useful stuff in good condition that we donated to the local Salvation Army crew. As usual, they sold some through their op shop and gave some directly to families in need (e.g. "everyday" crockery, bedlinen, etc).
My F-i-L went out in similar style a few years ago, after his wife of 60 years died from a stroke. So we've seen it before, and fear that there is not much we can do to help apart from staying in touch.
Tukai, glad your mother is settled in her home, though it must be rather sad not being able to see her often.
Mine is getting more confused by the day. She's just phoned to ask why I was going out with her next door neighbours this lunch time. I was having lunch in my own garden at the time.
Prayers for all who are facing these issues.
:votive:
But it was the pictures that really got to me - hundreds of family photos in frames, some out on display and some stuffed into drawers, and then she had been a keen amateur artist so there were tens and tens of drawing, watercolours, oil paintings...and pictures going back to beforethedawnatime, which I remembered from my childhood *sigh*
And even charity shops seem to have more books and photo frames than they can accept...
Anyway, the house looks bigger, cleaner and tidier without that cargo of grot, but 36 hours were all we could take! Back again next week to talk to an estate agent; I know that no-one who buys that house to live in (rather than to bulldoze) would expect to move straight in, but I remember when we were house-hunting that it's very hard to see past the books all higgledy-piggledy on the shelves (anathema!) and suchlike.
Mrs. S, reaching for the Bombay Sapphire...
I took mum back to the GP today and he's asked the community mental health team to visit her at home, so success. I made sure that they contact my brother or I as well so that mum can't wiggle out of it The fact that the GP told mum she couldn't say no helped, she is usually good at following doctors orders.
Mum gave the doctor a run down of what the neighbours have been doing. My favourite was taking her prescription card and trying to get her blood-pressure tablets from the chemist. I didn't know there was a black market in them. The GP was trying very hard not to laugh.
@Tukai , I'm sorry I missed your posts. That must be hard, being so far away, because it's one heck of a journey to see your mother. If you have no other reason to make the trip, it might feel a bit unrewarding (we usually have a rule, if you are on the road for longer than you are *there*, you don't go - but it doesn't work even with my visits to Mum, let alone yours!)
Mrs. S, more than ready for bed
We also had a talk about his wishes for his will, and I'm to take him to the lawyer to sort out. It will make things non-controversial (we hope) when time comes. He doesn't want a funeral at all. My mother didn't want either, but we did a small one because we needed it and the ashes needed to be handled (he had them in the living room and was scared to go into the room). We think that this is for further discussion that it isn't a burden, and we will want something. It seems the word "funeral" distresses him, and that if we use the term "memorial" he has a much better response. Apparently people are too upset at funerals and memorials are happy. As far as I understand, these are two labels for the same thing. Perhaps with memorial, the person's remains aren't present. So the direction appears that we'll have a memorial. he listens to my sister better than me, probably because she hasn't been around and is more special because of it. No problem with that!
Since my last post, mum has had dealing with the police three times. Twice I know about because the police phoned me after she'd phoned them about the neighbours and they'd been round. The third time, yesterday, the neighbours phoned the police after mum went and shouted at them about stealing a ring. The policeman told mum not to call on the neighbours again, but instead call the police if she was worried. I think he hinted that if she did it again, the police would have to call in the emergency mental health team, but mum wasn't clear on that. The ring was in the living room in its box, 'But I never leave it there, they must have brought it back and put it there.' Yep, along with the pie they took out of mum's fridge and left on a chair.
I also had a call last week from the Mental Health Team. They'd phoned mum and she told them she was fine. I explained she wasn't, and they are trying to set up a meeting when I and, hopefully my brother, can be there. I gave the man all my contact details, explaining that as I'm deaf email is the best way to communicate as I struggle hearing people on crackly mobiles. Annoyingly I forgot to get his email address, so I'm going to have to brave finding the phone number of the local team and chasing the appointment up if I don't hear in the next week.
My mother the Dowager wasn't capable of learning much, but when she went and banged on a neighbour's door before 7 am because her TV didn't work - he managed to convince her not to do it again. I don't know how he did it, but if he had not been such a nice person and known her when she was well, she could have been putting herself at risk. Think of CK, after all.
Sorry, @Sarasa - I know that isn't what you want to hear :sorry:
The regretful Mrs. S
She's just phoned me up as she's managed to hurt her finger while having a dream about putting a skirt on. She's off to see the famous Dr M this morning. I hope he reminds her that turning down a visit from the mental health team is not an option
I know, CK - I was just trying to point out that neighbours aren't always as restrained as @Sarasa's mother's seem to have been so far...
Mrs. S, deeply sympathetic to all in that situation
Like Mrs. S, I hate putting it into words, but in the long run it may work out the better for your mum.
Keeping you all in my prayers.
I've also had a frustrating afternoon trying to cancel my mother's broadband account. Boo for call centres where the sound is so fuzzy and distorted a deaf person like me hasn't got a chance of understanding what they are saying. And yes, I tried to do it all on-line before that.
My prodigal brother (lives in Asia) has announced he is showing in 1 week for 2 weeks. A gift of my sister who just left. "See your dad before he's gone". So the aftermath of a good visit is one I'm dreading. He's a charming user of others. My wife has intervened with some clear expectations. My overt behaviour will be polite.
I had a call from the care home just as I was setting out this morning - the Dowager had had another fall, hit her head etc etc. Paramedics. GP called. Hoof it down there, to discover that she was accusing the carer of wrestling her to the ground in an attempt to 'stop the message getting through'. 'What message, Mum?' 'About our part of the crocodile. Or perhaps it was about the timing of the uprising'.
As far as I can make out, she was walking up the corridor with an empty cup and saucer, taking it back to the kitchen. The carer probably approached and said 'Let me take that for you, Dowager' but Mum would not relinquish it, caught her finger in the handle of the cup and ended up on the floor.
I then had to battle all the 'But I don't fall over unless someone pushes me!' (Mum, you fall over All The Time) and 'I don't bruise easily' (you bruise if I look at you hard). She couldn't remember any of her more recent falls, or why she'd been in hospital, or had a cut on her leg that won't heal.
However, I found her copies of the little photobooks I did for The intrepid Grandson and for her, one about her 93rd birthday when we were all together and one about Christmas, and she was thrilled all over again. Funny how the pair of them are at opposite ends of the intellectual seesaw, but they enjoy the same things...
Mrs. S, thanking God or the provision of Wine!
Thinking of all of you and wishing I could send some NZ wine, which of course is the best.
Mrs. S, still wondering where the crocodile comes into it
Did she mean the actual reptile or the crocodile of schoolchildren walking down the street? Neither actually fits the circumstances of the fall. Hope she is recovering well from this fall.
More drama on my mother front, she managed to lock herself in again yesterday morning and had the police out to sort it out. They sent my brother a voicemail message (mum keeps on forgetting he's on holiday) about the lock being stiff which he relayed to me. Yesterday evening she either managed to lock herself in and couldn't get out or couldn't lock herself in, both my husband and I spoke to her and she wasn't clear on the point. Either way she was in a total meltdown about how the neighbours were going to come in and murder her, and no amount of reassurance was helping. She'd obviously phoned the police again before she phoned us, because she broke off the call as the doorbell rang. Ten minutes later I got a call from the ambulance service who were checking her over. They didn't think she needed to go to hospital , but he was checking I was aware about her paranoia and probable dementia. He seemed relieved when I told him that we had someone coming to see her on Wednesday. I wasn't intending on visiting till then, but I'm going to go over today armed with some WD40. Of course as I'm a woman mum won't trust me to do anything 'technical'.
@Jengie Jon - I don't know, but they seem horribly resistant to taking painkillers, using fans in the hot weather, carrying a walking stick - in the Dowager's case because she feels she 'shouldn't' need to. She 'ought to' be able to manage without. Why this self-denying ordinance comes into play I have no idea. Are they just terrified of becoming dependent on them? Your poor father would be much better off taking the paracetamol regularly, one at a time.
The Dowager's fingers were sore after her fall, but when I suggested she take a paracetamol, no, she wouldn't (and they do ask her regularly if she is in pain and wants one). Okay, well, take one tonight before you go bed, because you don't want to be woken in the night by pain. 'Why? I didn't need one last night'.
BECAUSE LAST NIGHT YOU HADN'T FALLEN OVER AND BRUISED YOUR FINGERS!
So, it's no good asking me how you persuade an AP to do anything!
Mrs. S, who feels your pain
Mum's other drama this week was hurting her finger while having a dream about hanging up skirts. She trotted to the GP who said it's just arthritis, but she insisted on a scan. I was saying why not just take paracetamol if it hurts. Talking to a friend this week, he reckons that people who live to a great age, such as my mum, do so because they are hypochondriacs!
The main problem we have now is that she keeps running through her pocket money really quickly - having her hair done every week soon mounts up. But it makes her happy and it's her money. We are considering increasing her monthly allowance...
Prayers ascending for the Dowager and Sarasa's mum.
MMM
* but nowhere as bad as some of these stories.
My father in law was stubborn and determined to stay in his own home, living alone. He hid his health problems from us. I suspect he was nearly blind at the end.
So I read this thread and rarely comment, but my heart goes out to you and your families.
Dad: "my knee is hurting"
Carer: "have you taken any paracetamol"
Dad: "Yes"
Dad meant yes, I take them regularly before going to be at night. The conversation normally took place at 4:00 pm in the afternoon.
They now are onto him.