He's living in his house, just round the corner from me. Stefie, the lovely carer, is also living in the house with her own bedroom.
They are getting on well and learning to create helpful routines. We still haven't cracked the food thing yet. Currently trying to find meals which are small enough and easy enough to chew, but are not the pureed tasteless nightmares beloved of the meal delivery companies. It's a long journey.
As for myself, I will be very glad if one particular side effect of Metformin settles down a bit. Spending half my life on the loo is not fun.
I found that too Gill. I don't know if it's available there, but there's an over the counter medication here called Imodium Zapid. It works quickly, but is a bit expensive. I got the all clear from both my pharmacist and G.P before I tried it.
I was started on Metformin, but said No Way (couldn't even make a circuit of the supermarket without needing to dash). So got changed to this. I drink a lot more water - which is probably a good thing generally - and need the loo rather more, but in a controlled manner.
@Gill H My late Grandad was also quite short on teeth towards the end of his life and needed easily chewed food. Fish always went down well, as did slow cooked casseroles.
@Gill H if you have only just developed diabetes you may want to talk to your GP about the protocols for putting it into remission. It is hardwork but it is possible - the evidence base for doing so though is mainly for people who are recently diagnosed.
The diabetes UK website has information on it.
(I have managed to do it happy to talk by pm if you wish.)
I have previously followed the 'Second Nature' plan (formerly known as 'Our Path'). This was developed in conjunction with the NHS and in some areas you can be referred onto the programme for free. I lost 3 stone previously on this plan with minimum effort, and it was developed specifically for diabetics so it should be fine for me now.
As well as food, the plan covers exercise, sleep, changing your mental habits and pretty much every aspect of looking after yourself.
The full programme includes an online coach and online support group, but I'm on the legacy programme now which just means I still have access to all the info and can use the message boards. To be honest I know what I'm doing. The main principles are low carb, brown not white, restrict fruit, avoid other sugars, plenty of good healthy food and generally enjoying what you eat. The downside is that you need to batch cook and freeze stuff.
I've just made a batch of the healthy granola (oats, pumpkin seeds, dessicated coconut, chopped nuts, mixed with some melted butter and cooked in the oven on a low heat). Along with a piece of fruit and some live bio yoghurt (full fat) two tablespoons of this forms my breakfast.
I've also made some of the 'savoury slices' for lunches. Basically they are like a crustless quiche. I usually add some cherry tomatoes or maybe a salad.
There are also good recipes for pancakes using stewed apple in place of most of the flour, and a really nice one for moussaka. I need to do some more batch cooking next week so we can have stuff ready for when I go back to work.
That is all good advice, but for the remission stuff there is a short period of an 800 calorie diet - in some areas the NHS will supply meal replacement, in some areas not. They advise you do it under medical supervision - if you can get it - and not if you have ever had an eating disorder, (you also need medical support if you do it whilst on meds to avoid hypoglycemia.)
Wishing you well with the T2D @Gill H and so glad that your Dad's new carer is working out well. Getting used to living with someone else and developing new routines does take time, I hope it works out congenially for all.
My brother, who lives near her, sees Mum more often that I do but often for just half an hour. I've just spent two days with her, in order to take her to a funeral. If you add up "total time spent" I spend a lot more time with Mum, but only because a quick visit isn't feasible. If I lived nearby I'd visit more but spend less time, too. I think we're a good combination of different types of visit.
Every so often Mum will fret to me about something, she doesn't want to bother my "busy" brother about. If I raise it with my brother, he will say "Mum hasn't mentioned that to me" and cast doubt on whether Mum really has expressed concern to me.
The latest is that a root is pushing a paving slab up. Mum has said to me, repeatedly, that the slab is a trip hazard, but as it's in a place Mum doesn't go, it's not a trip hazard for her. It would only be a trip hazard for the person reading the external gas meter, and there's a more obvious route to it*, so I doubt if even the meter person walks across that paving slab. Fixing it would be quite a big job as it would require removing the underlying root. My inclination is to leave well alone. Mum was fretting about the trip hazard at length this visit so I thought I would mention it to my brother to check we agreed that it didn't really matter, and he has replied that Mum doesn't think it's a trip hazard; if she did think that she'd have told him, but she hasn't, so she doesn't.
I am feeling unreasonably irritated.
*It was the path to the gas meter, but the path is partially overgrown by the large bush / small tree whose root is pushing the slab up, so any sensible person would ignore the path and walk across the lawn.
@North East Quine I think you are feeling reasonably irritated - your brother is rudely implying you are deceitful or deluded.
Or perhaps he is behaving in a fingers-in-the-ears manner because he presumes sorting out the path would be labour he’d be expected to do, and he doesn’t fancy it.
I do wonder sometimes if NE Scotland has some special tradition of male obliviousness / obtuseness though 🤔
Although to be honest, here in SE Scotland I am trying to remain oblivious to things that Need Sorting Out in my own garden. A couple of plum trees are not looking well, and the Rowan that I wondered might be too close to the house now obviously is. But I get to see the birds among the berries in autumn and am loath to cut it down. The chances of doing it without clumsy personal injury also seem limited!
So I am continuing with my plan: swithering, until it is almost too late… 🤦🏼♂️
My brother once irritated me beyond measure when he told me to chill when I sent him an email about all the difficulties I was having with our mum. Fine, but he wasn’t the one at the sharp end of coping with her unreasonable demands or her increasing dementia.
As for your brother I’d try not to get too riled, tricky though that is.
The thing is, I was confirming to my brother that I didn't think it needs doing. And I certainly wouldn't expect him to do it. The bush / small tree is about 10 foot high and quite bulky, and I think it would involve removing the bush, lifting several slabs in order to dig out the roots, and then relaying the slabs. Taking the remains to of the tree / bush to the garden waste centre would involve a trailer, or lots of trips with a full car boot. It's definitely a job for a professional.
I was raising it with my brother because Mum keeps raising it with me. Possibly she thinks that the gas meter reader might break his/her neck and sue her for millions, or a burglar scoping out the house might do similar. Mum is law-abiding to a ridiculous degree and is under the impression that you are not supposed to have trip-hazards in your garden.
(Generally I think Mum thinks the law is Too Soft on Criminals, whilst also likely to be Too Hard on Nonogenarians with uneven garden paths.)
What's annoying me is that Mum has confided several such worries to me, only for my brother to suggest that I am entirely mistaken, and each time it annoys me more.
@North East Quine, is it possible to get a note put on the gas company’s file for your Mum’s house. Our water meter is in a slightly odd place, and there is now a note on the council’s property file with directions for the meter readers. It’s not perfect, but it has certainly reduced the number of estimated readings, as opposed to actual readings.
Use your phone to record your mother worrying about X to you. Send the voice file to your brother.
This.
I don't know why your brother is ignoring/not believing you about your mother's worries, @North East Quine. She might just feel more comfortable about sharing her concerns with you rather than your brother!
I think it's just a timing thing. For this last visit, the round trip to the funeral on Tuesday took from 9.30am to 5.30pm, so I went to Mum's on Monday morning and came home Wednesday afternoon. My brother regularly drops in past on his way home from work for 20 mins. In an average week she'll see him briefly two or three times and she'll either not see me at all, or I'll be there for several hours / overnight. My brother does lots for her - changing a light bulb, or sweeping the path, or checking her car.
It ought to be an ideal combination.
Perhaps he thinks I parachute in and then disappear, but I aim to see her a couple of times a month, and I phone almost daily. In terms of "time spent with her" I spend a lot more, but that is just because it's not feasible for me to drop in briefly. If I lived closer I wouldn't be spending nearly so much time with her!
Mum's still driving locally, doing all her own shopping etc, and she has a gardener to mow her lawn, so fortunately neither my brother nor I do any "caring."
Could i suggest getting a good-sized flower pot, putting something low maintenance in it, and plopping it on top of the offending pavement? No one will trip on it then, even your mother should be able to relax.
So many good suggestions, especially contacting the meter company, I am sure it's not an unknown issue for them.
I like @jedijudy's suggestion of the voice file too, to provide evidence.
I do think that dealing with siblings in the care of aged parents is a really difficult thing, not easily navigated and fraught with potential problems mainly because people rarely talk about their expectations and abilities well before the need arises.
@NEQ the above is not meant as a dig at you, just that these things can be sprung upon us at short notice (our family's was precipitated by previously independent Dad's heart attack). I often wished we had a third party involved who knew the system better than we did, an advocate/counsellor of some type.
I think the crux of the matter is that I see my brother if he pops in while I'm visiting Mum, but we don't socialise independently of Mum. We communicate by e-mail apart from that, and possibly neither of is is getting the "tone" of e-mails right for the other.
Quite possibly he was thinking "I'm at Mum's house twice a week, and now my sister is telling me about a raised slab as though I don't know Mum's house and garden perfectly well!" and he's feeling irritated by me. Hence the irritable tone of his reply.
There may well be something I'm doing that's bugging him.
I'm sure it's not this, but prior to Tuesday's funeral I used to take Mum to see her cousin in her care home, after which we'd put flowers on my grandparents' grave and then stop for lunch at a garden centre on the way home. Mum often remarked I think your brother's quite jealous of us having a lovely day out together while he's stuck in the office. I could never envisage my brother looking out of his office window and thinking "It's a lovely day and here I am, stuck inside, while Mum and the Quine are having a jolly to a care home, followed by the cemetery, followed by the Soup 'n' Sandwich Garden Centre Special! "
But who knows? I know I always felt lucky that Mum and I were having an outing to a care home, rather than her being in the care home.
This is on a par with the AA asking if you’ve got fuel in your tank when your car won’t start, but have you tried with your brother an approach which begins “I think mum didn’t want to bother you with this but…” or even “Mum says she doesn’t want to bother you with this, but I thought you might want to know…”.
I know when my wife’s grandmother was in a residential home she was visited regularly by her daughter-in-law and by her daughter. She never complained or raised concerns with the former, wife of her son whom she favoured, but saved all her gripes and complaints for her daughter. Happily they were both wise to this phenomenon.
I went to visit my 88 year old father the other day and upon waking him up he asked me about whether I had a "paper for him". I asked followup questions and he seemed to have trouble accessing words. I was a little worried about a mini-stroke etc. The first few minutes were so confused that I felt I had to ask him if he knew who I was. H e said "you're my son" which was correct but I normally would have expected him to use my first name. He seemed less confused as time went on and had less trouble accessing his words so I did not ask the staff ( he's in transitional care awaiting a nursing home placement) about the behaviour. I spoke with my sister who sees him more and the mystery was possibly solved. He thought I had a medical document for him given to me by my eldest son " David". The document in question was to come from his doctor who is also a "David". My father had misunderstood from my sister who would be bring ing the doc. The incident was a bit off-putting since it was the first time I have seen that confusion. I am visiting him this afternoon and we shall see how he is today.
@North East Quine I hope this won’t sound terrible but I feel like… It sounds like your brother is gaslighting you, and I really don’t like that. Have you had a bad relationship with each other before this?
I went to visit my 88 year old father the other day and upon waking him up he asked me about whether I had a "paper for him". I asked followup questions and he seemed to have trouble accessing words. I was a little worried about a mini-stroke etc. The first few minutes were so confused that I felt I had to ask him if he knew who I was. H e said "you're my son" which was correct but I normally would have expected him to use my first name. He seemed less confused as time went on and had less trouble accessing his words so I did not ask the staff ( he's in transitional care awaiting a nursing home placement) about the behaviour. I spoke with my sister who sees him more and the mystery was possibly solved. He thought I had a medical document for him given to me by my eldest son " David". The document in question was to come from his doctor who is also a "David". My father had misunderstood from my sister who would be bring ing the doc. The incident was a bit off-putting since it was the first time I have seen that confusion. I am visiting him this afternoon and we shall see how he is today.
Dad’s hearing is awful and confusion sometimes happens due to that. But if there is further confusion, talk to the GP about a possible UTI. It’s always my first suspicion now if anyone elderly starts being confused where they weren’t previously. Easily sorted with antibiotics usually.
@North East Quine I wonder if your mother just mentions these things to have something to say? Or alternatively, she's in the early stages of dementia and doesn't remember that she's told you several times already. Conversations with my mother got stuck in an endless loop when I was waiting for my eye operation and it was really irritating. If I lived closer to her I might have resorted to wearing an eyepatch or sticking a paper bag over my head.
What are people's experiences of showers? I have felt for some time that Mum needs a grab rail in hers. My brother is concerned about Mum tripping over the rim of the shower stepping in and out, and feels she needs more of a "wet room" shower.
He has talked her out of a grab rail as he feels that that would just mean delaying solving the main problem with a wet room style shower.
Mum has a friend with the "no rim" shower and she says she has to mop her bathroom daily after her shower. Mum has said to me that she is worried about slipping on the wet floor whilst mopping (!)
I suspect we are back in the situation of Mum saying one thing to me and another to my brother.
So before I get back to my brother, what do people think? Mum gets around the house without a stick, though she has a wheeled walker with a tray if she's e.g. carrying hot tea.
P.S. Re the last issue with the trip hazard, I haven't heard anything further from my brother about it, but Mum tells me that he has decided it is a trip hazard, and he's getting someone in to fix it. So all's well that ends well.
Don't know about your Council, but here we requested a grab bar and they came and fitted one for free.
Our shower is over the bath, so a bit of a climb in and out. There is also a seat over the bath. And, of course, a non-slip bathmat in the bath itself. Getting out - the one tricky manoeuvre - hold grab bar, put one leg on floor (also matted), grip handle of seat and towel rail, step out completely.
So my vote would be a bar, positioned relative to other available handholds.
I think I'd go for the grab rail first before the wet room idea. Everyone of those I've used has ended up with a very wet floor. There are some shower trays that are a bit lower so you could go and look in a bathroom showroom and see what's on offer.
In wet rooms I think it’s possible to avoid the wet floor everywhere problem, if the room is big enough for the shower to have a glass screen that you walk round to enter it: so the whole shower space is about 2-3 cubicles long and 1 cubicle wide, with a screen covering 1.5-2 cubicle lengths. If you see what I mean. (I have experienced these kind of arrangements in hotels, as fancy features rather than safety designs).
My late mum was quite frail in her later years - she had a wet-room arrangement but needed the grab rail too anyway. So I agree with others that the rail might be the first option.
Of course you can slip at any age - I’ve come a cropper in an over-bath shower in the past.
Mum, my brother and I all agree about the grab rail. It's just that my brother sees no point in installing one into her current shower, as he thinks the whole thing should be replaced.
The bathroom is large - it has both a bath and a shower - but enlarging the shower space would involve redoing the whole thing, probably removing the bath, relocating the sink to where the bath is, and extending the shower "footprint" to where the sink is. Mum would probably have to move out for a couple of days, as she wouldn't have a toilet while work was ongoing. Not that that would be a problem, she could stay with me.
Hi @North East Quine, I have quite bad arthritis in my knees, and when we turned our laundry into an additional bathroom 9 years ago, we had installed what is called in Australia a frameless shower. It also has a horizontal grab rail. We also had the enclosure made 1100mm square rather than the standard 900mm. Although it is described as a frameless shower, it has a tiny (~10mm) divider underneath the door. The shower head is a hand shower on a rail, which means it can easily be adjusted to different heights. When I was pretty sick in 2022 while being treated for breast cancer, we were easily able to put a shower chair in it. As long as I remember to turn the shower head towards the side wall when I finish my shower, there is almost no water overflow into the bathroom. Happy to send you a photo if that helps. I would recommend starting with the grab rail, before anything else.
Also, because my balance was really bad while I was sick, I started using a four point walking stick. After I had finished treatment, but was still working on regaining mobility, this turned out to be what I needed to feel safe stepping over the 100mm hob in my mother in law’s shower.
I can send a photo, if that helps, although not with shower chair, as that has been banished to the garage.
I'd disagree with the brother. Even with our much more awkward arrangement, the grab bar makes a world of difference.
The bathroom needs an upgrade at some point, when we will replace the bath with a large walk-in shower. But it is a major disruption, so we're not rushing to do it.
I've never really been convinced about the "wet-room" type of shower - like North East Mum, I'd imagine you'd have to spend longer mopping the floor than actually taking the shower. I'd say go for the grab-rail first and then see how things go.
PM me if you want - I’ve had over 20 years of putting in grants for these!
A few points:
- You might as well try a grab rail first. They are very much cheaper. Even if you decide to remove it later, all you will have to do is fill in the screw holes. There are suction ones, but they can give way suddenly, which is not very safe.
- Give your local council a ring and see if they will give her a disabled facilities grant for a walk-in shower of some description. This will probably be means tested, so if she isn’t on any means tested benefits she will probably have to contribute to the cost, and if she has a lot of savings she may not be eligible at all. Not all councils do means tests for showers, however, due to the hassle involved in the financial assessments. Also, check how long she would wait for an occupational therapist to assess and then, assuming the OT recommends a shower, how long it would take for the work to start. If it’s six months, it’s worth trying; if it’s three years, maybe not.
- It isn’t always easy to install a completely level access shower (wet room) as the drainage and pipe work needs to be sunk below the floor. Get some advice on this.
- A downstairs shower may be a good investment long term if you decide it would be simpler to sleep downstairs and you don’t want, or can’t have, a stair lift. And if you have enough space. Building an extension for a bathroom is very expensive and your council almost certainly won’t do it.
- If there is a step into your shower and you can’t manage it, even with a grab rail and a bit of help, there’s not a lot you can do. If you have a wet room (unless it’s upstairs and you can’t get upstairs!) it should be possible for you to use it even if you can’t walk at all; just ask your local council for a wheeled shower chair and a carer can wheel you in.
- If you are installing a shower with a very small step (i.e. a couple of inches round the edge of a shower tray) or a level access shower, and you are ever likely to need some assistance to shower, I would strongly recommend half height screens (i.e. around a metre high), plus a shower curtain. If you have no screens or full height screens, anyone assisting you will get soaked. While you’re still independent, just use the shower curtain to help keep the water in.
- I would also recommend a shower seat that folds down from the wall, so you have the choice of standing or sitting in the shower, and don’t have to drag a seat in and out or trip over its legs.
That’s a bit longer than I meant it to be! If anyone needs more detail on any points I’m happy to advise.
@Aravis, Mum has been told that the wait for assessment is a long one, and she is happy to pay rather than wait.
My brother wouldn't be recommending a completely level access shower if he didn't think it was feasible, and I trust his opinion.
My parents chose their house almost 30 years ago partially because it has everything on the ground floor. Mum can't manage the stairs any more, but doesn't need to access the upstairs. (This means I have the main use of a very nice en-suite upstairs room! I keep toiletries and clothes there - in an emergency I could head straight to Mum's without packing.) Mum's bedroom and the bathroom are both downstairs. There is both a bath and a shower in the bathroom.
Mum has no problem managing the shower at the moment, but my brother is concerned that it is, or will become, a trip hazard if she becomes less mobile.
I suspect Mum is saying one thing to me and another to my brother. I have an e-mail from my brother saying that Mum is adamant that she doesn't need grab rails. But she's telling me that she'd find a grab rail helpful. My brother thinks she needs a wet room style shower and she may well be agreeing with him that her current shower is a trip hazard. But she's telling me that she doesn't want to be like her friend who has to mop the floor dry every day and that she's more afraid of slipping whilst mopping, than she is of tripping over the shower rim.
I thought I'd canvas opinions on wet room showers before wading into the he said / she said.
When I had my first spinal fusion, I almost fell several times in the tub/shower. The tub was too concave for standing safely, and the tall sides were difficult for my short legs to climb over, even before my injury and surgery. So I decided to take the tub out all together and install a walk in shower with a small (four inch) threshold since there wasn't room for the wet room type installation. I have a vertical grab bar by the entrance and an angled one on the far wall. Those three things together have made my showering so much safer and more comfortable!
1) You can get get suction hand rails. We used them for a while with my parents were still pretty able as Dad needed support getting in and out of the bath. They used to take them with them when they stayed at hotels and such.
2) If you get a wet room make sure you get a wet room and not just a bathroom with a wet membrane to keep water from escaping. The whole floor needs shaping so the water drains done the plug hole.
I hope some of the responses have been helpful NEQ. My parents also used the suction hand rails and they were helpful. Last week I was going to post along the lines of the need for a really good tiler to do the required work so that the fall of the floor was towards the drainage, but Jengie Jon beat me to it!
My Aunt and Uncle updated their en-suite to a wet room to make Uncle's comfort and safety in showering much better as he had Parkinson's, I don't think they regretted it. I think he got another two years at home able to manage more or less independently and even though perhaps not a great return on the financial investment, it improved his quality of life enormously and that was the most important thing!
Mum passed away peacefully in the early hours of Wednesday morning. The nursing home called me at 1am to let me know. I had seen her the previous day and although she had been consistently refusing food and water, she was in no pain and just asleep.
Dad and I had visited the previous week, when she had been pleased to see Dad and kept saying 'I'm so glad to see you'. Unfortunately our visit the following week was less successful, so we are focusing instead on that previous visit as the best memory to keep.
Honestly, I am relieved it has happened this way round. Dad is 92 and physically frail, but mentally sharp, and can be involved in all the arrangements. We're grateful for the support of family and friends.
Comments
Is your dad living with you or in another place now?
They are getting on well and learning to create helpful routines. We still haven't cracked the food thing yet. Currently trying to find meals which are small enough and easy enough to chew, but are not the pureed tasteless nightmares beloved of the meal delivery companies. It's a long journey.
As for myself, I will be very glad if one particular side effect of Metformin settles down a bit. Spending half my life on the loo is not fun.
I would ask your GP about the options.
The diabetes UK website has information on it.
(I have managed to do it happy to talk by pm if you wish.)
As well as food, the plan covers exercise, sleep, changing your mental habits and pretty much every aspect of looking after yourself.
The full programme includes an online coach and online support group, but I'm on the legacy programme now which just means I still have access to all the info and can use the message boards. To be honest I know what I'm doing. The main principles are low carb, brown not white, restrict fruit, avoid other sugars, plenty of good healthy food and generally enjoying what you eat. The downside is that you need to batch cook and freeze stuff.
I've just made a batch of the healthy granola (oats, pumpkin seeds, dessicated coconut, chopped nuts, mixed with some melted butter and cooked in the oven on a low heat). Along with a piece of fruit and some live bio yoghurt (full fat) two tablespoons of this forms my breakfast.
I've also made some of the 'savoury slices' for lunches. Basically they are like a crustless quiche. I usually add some cherry tomatoes or maybe a salad.
There are also good recipes for pancakes using stewed apple in place of most of the flour, and a really nice one for moussaka. I need to do some more batch cooking next week so we can have stuff ready for when I go back to work.
My brother, who lives near her, sees Mum more often that I do but often for just half an hour. I've just spent two days with her, in order to take her to a funeral. If you add up "total time spent" I spend a lot more time with Mum, but only because a quick visit isn't feasible. If I lived nearby I'd visit more but spend less time, too. I think we're a good combination of different types of visit.
Every so often Mum will fret to me about something, she doesn't want to bother my "busy" brother about. If I raise it with my brother, he will say "Mum hasn't mentioned that to me" and cast doubt on whether Mum really has expressed concern to me.
The latest is that a root is pushing a paving slab up. Mum has said to me, repeatedly, that the slab is a trip hazard, but as it's in a place Mum doesn't go, it's not a trip hazard for her. It would only be a trip hazard for the person reading the external gas meter, and there's a more obvious route to it*, so I doubt if even the meter person walks across that paving slab. Fixing it would be quite a big job as it would require removing the underlying root. My inclination is to leave well alone. Mum was fretting about the trip hazard at length this visit so I thought I would mention it to my brother to check we agreed that it didn't really matter, and he has replied that Mum doesn't think it's a trip hazard; if she did think that she'd have told him, but she hasn't, so she doesn't.
I am feeling unreasonably irritated.
*It was the path to the gas meter, but the path is partially overgrown by the large bush / small tree whose root is pushing the slab up, so any sensible person would ignore the path and walk across the lawn.
Or perhaps he is behaving in a fingers-in-the-ears manner because he presumes sorting out the path would be labour he’d be expected to do, and he doesn’t fancy it.
I do wonder sometimes if NE Scotland has some special tradition of male obliviousness / obtuseness though 🤔
Although to be honest, here in SE Scotland I am trying to remain oblivious to things that Need Sorting Out in my own garden. A couple of plum trees are not looking well, and the Rowan that I wondered might be too close to the house now obviously is. But I get to see the birds among the berries in autumn and am loath to cut it down. The chances of doing it without clumsy personal injury also seem limited!
So I am continuing with my plan: swithering, until it is almost too late… 🤦🏼♂️
As for your brother I’d try not to get too riled, tricky though that is.
I was raising it with my brother because Mum keeps raising it with me. Possibly she thinks that the gas meter reader might break his/her neck and sue her for millions, or a burglar scoping out the house might do similar. Mum is law-abiding to a ridiculous degree and is under the impression that you are not supposed to have trip-hazards in your garden.
(Generally I think Mum thinks the law is Too Soft on Criminals, whilst also likely to be Too Hard on Nonogenarians with uneven garden paths.)
What's annoying me is that Mum has confided several such worries to me, only for my brother to suggest that I am entirely mistaken, and each time it annoys me more.
This.
I don't know why your brother is ignoring/not believing you about your mother's worries, @North East Quine. She might just feel more comfortable about sharing her concerns with you rather than your brother!
It ought to be an ideal combination.
Perhaps he thinks I parachute in and then disappear, but I aim to see her a couple of times a month, and I phone almost daily. In terms of "time spent with her" I spend a lot more, but that is just because it's not feasible for me to drop in briefly. If I lived closer I wouldn't be spending nearly so much time with her!
Mum's still driving locally, doing all her own shopping etc, and she has a gardener to mow her lawn, so fortunately neither my brother nor I do any "caring."
Hey, it worked for mine…
I like @jedijudy's suggestion of the voice file too, to provide evidence.
I do think that dealing with siblings in the care of aged parents is a really difficult thing, not easily navigated and fraught with potential problems mainly because people rarely talk about their expectations and abilities well before the need arises.
@NEQ the above is not meant as a dig at you, just that these things can be sprung upon us at short notice (our family's was precipitated by previously independent Dad's heart attack). I often wished we had a third party involved who knew the system better than we did, an advocate/counsellor of some type.
I think the crux of the matter is that I see my brother if he pops in while I'm visiting Mum, but we don't socialise independently of Mum. We communicate by e-mail apart from that, and possibly neither of is is getting the "tone" of e-mails right for the other.
Quite possibly he was thinking "I'm at Mum's house twice a week, and now my sister is telling me about a raised slab as though I don't know Mum's house and garden perfectly well!" and he's feeling irritated by me. Hence the irritable tone of his reply.
There may well be something I'm doing that's bugging him.
I'm sure it's not this, but prior to Tuesday's funeral I used to take Mum to see her cousin in her care home, after which we'd put flowers on my grandparents' grave and then stop for lunch at a garden centre on the way home. Mum often remarked I think your brother's quite jealous of us having a lovely day out together while he's stuck in the office. I could never envisage my brother looking out of his office window and thinking "It's a lovely day and here I am, stuck inside, while Mum and the Quine are having a jolly to a care home, followed by the cemetery, followed by the Soup 'n' Sandwich Garden Centre Special! "
But who knows? I know I always felt lucky that Mum and I were having an outing to a care home, rather than her being in the care home.
I know when my wife’s grandmother was in a residential home she was visited regularly by her daughter-in-law and by her daughter. She never complained or raised concerns with the former, wife of her son whom she favoured, but saved all her gripes and complaints for her daughter. Happily they were both wise to this phenomenon.
@North East Quine I hope this won’t sound terrible but I feel like… It sounds like your brother is gaslighting you, and I really don’t like that. Have you had a bad relationship with each other before this?
🕯
And what @Gill H said. UTIs are different in the elderly than they are for younger folks. Antibiotics do normally clear them up quickly.
He has talked her out of a grab rail as he feels that that would just mean delaying solving the main problem with a wet room style shower.
Mum has a friend with the "no rim" shower and she says she has to mop her bathroom daily after her shower. Mum has said to me that she is worried about slipping on the wet floor whilst mopping (!)
I suspect we are back in the situation of Mum saying one thing to me and another to my brother.
So before I get back to my brother, what do people think? Mum gets around the house without a stick, though she has a wheeled walker with a tray if she's e.g. carrying hot tea.
P.S. Re the last issue with the trip hazard, I haven't heard anything further from my brother about it, but Mum tells me that he has decided it is a trip hazard, and he's getting someone in to fix it. So all's well that ends well.
Our shower is over the bath, so a bit of a climb in and out. There is also a seat over the bath. And, of course, a non-slip bathmat in the bath itself. Getting out - the one tricky manoeuvre - hold grab bar, put one leg on floor (also matted), grip handle of seat and towel rail, step out completely.
So my vote would be a bar, positioned relative to other available handholds.
My late mum was quite frail in her later years - she had a wet-room arrangement but needed the grab rail too anyway. So I agree with others that the rail might be the first option.
Of course you can slip at any age - I’ve come a cropper in an over-bath shower in the past.
The bathroom is large - it has both a bath and a shower - but enlarging the shower space would involve redoing the whole thing, probably removing the bath, relocating the sink to where the bath is, and extending the shower "footprint" to where the sink is. Mum would probably have to move out for a couple of days, as she wouldn't have a toilet while work was ongoing. Not that that would be a problem, she could stay with me.
Also, because my balance was really bad while I was sick, I started using a four point walking stick. After I had finished treatment, but was still working on regaining mobility, this turned out to be what I needed to feel safe stepping over the 100mm hob in my mother in law’s shower.
I can send a photo, if that helps, although not with shower chair, as that has been banished to the garage.
The bathroom needs an upgrade at some point, when we will replace the bath with a large walk-in shower. But it is a major disruption, so we're not rushing to do it.
A few points:
- You might as well try a grab rail first. They are very much cheaper. Even if you decide to remove it later, all you will have to do is fill in the screw holes. There are suction ones, but they can give way suddenly, which is not very safe.
- Give your local council a ring and see if they will give her a disabled facilities grant for a walk-in shower of some description. This will probably be means tested, so if she isn’t on any means tested benefits she will probably have to contribute to the cost, and if she has a lot of savings she may not be eligible at all. Not all councils do means tests for showers, however, due to the hassle involved in the financial assessments. Also, check how long she would wait for an occupational therapist to assess and then, assuming the OT recommends a shower, how long it would take for the work to start. If it’s six months, it’s worth trying; if it’s three years, maybe not.
- It isn’t always easy to install a completely level access shower (wet room) as the drainage and pipe work needs to be sunk below the floor. Get some advice on this.
- A downstairs shower may be a good investment long term if you decide it would be simpler to sleep downstairs and you don’t want, or can’t have, a stair lift. And if you have enough space. Building an extension for a bathroom is very expensive and your council almost certainly won’t do it.
- If there is a step into your shower and you can’t manage it, even with a grab rail and a bit of help, there’s not a lot you can do. If you have a wet room (unless it’s upstairs and you can’t get upstairs!) it should be possible for you to use it even if you can’t walk at all; just ask your local council for a wheeled shower chair and a carer can wheel you in.
- If you are installing a shower with a very small step (i.e. a couple of inches round the edge of a shower tray) or a level access shower, and you are ever likely to need some assistance to shower, I would strongly recommend half height screens (i.e. around a metre high), plus a shower curtain. If you have no screens or full height screens, anyone assisting you will get soaked. While you’re still independent, just use the shower curtain to help keep the water in.
- I would also recommend a shower seat that folds down from the wall, so you have the choice of standing or sitting in the shower, and don’t have to drag a seat in and out or trip over its legs.
That’s a bit longer than I meant it to be! If anyone needs more detail on any points I’m happy to advise.
@Aravis, Mum has been told that the wait for assessment is a long one, and she is happy to pay rather than wait.
My brother wouldn't be recommending a completely level access shower if he didn't think it was feasible, and I trust his opinion.
My parents chose their house almost 30 years ago partially because it has everything on the ground floor. Mum can't manage the stairs any more, but doesn't need to access the upstairs. (This means I have the main use of a very nice en-suite upstairs room! I keep toiletries and clothes there - in an emergency I could head straight to Mum's without packing.) Mum's bedroom and the bathroom are both downstairs. There is both a bath and a shower in the bathroom.
Mum has no problem managing the shower at the moment, but my brother is concerned that it is, or will become, a trip hazard if she becomes less mobile.
I suspect Mum is saying one thing to me and another to my brother. I have an e-mail from my brother saying that Mum is adamant that she doesn't need grab rails. But she's telling me that she'd find a grab rail helpful. My brother thinks she needs a wet room style shower and she may well be agreeing with him that her current shower is a trip hazard. But she's telling me that she doesn't want to be like her friend who has to mop the floor dry every day and that she's more afraid of slipping whilst mopping, than she is of tripping over the shower rim.
I thought I'd canvas opinions on wet room showers before wading into the he said / she said.
2) If you get a wet room make sure you get a wet room and not just a bathroom with a wet membrane to keep water from escaping. The whole floor needs shaping so the water drains done the plug hole.
My Aunt and Uncle updated their en-suite to a wet room to make Uncle's comfort and safety in showering much better as he had Parkinson's, I don't think they regretted it. I think he got another two years at home able to manage more or less independently and even though perhaps not a great return on the financial investment, it improved his quality of life enormously and that was the most important thing!
Dad and I had visited the previous week, when she had been pleased to see Dad and kept saying 'I'm so glad to see you'. Unfortunately our visit the following week was less successful, so we are focusing instead on that previous visit as the best memory to keep.
Honestly, I am relieved it has happened this way round. Dad is 92 and physically frail, but mentally sharp, and can be involved in all the arrangements. We're grateful for the support of family and friends.
Rest eternal grant unto her, O Lord, and may light perpetual shine upon her.