How do people become close friends? Is it possible to “try” to make a close friend?
stonespring
Shipmate
in All Saints
I can’t say that I have no friends. My husband is like my best friend, although we don’t share a lot of our key interests or personality traits. I have a number of friends, almost all of whom I know through my husband. But I have not had a close friend since early childhood, and even then those friends were mostly just playmates that stopped interacting with me once we were old enough to socialize outside of play dates that our parents had made.
I think I know how to make friends. I have done it at school, while traveling on tours, at church, etc. I have never made a friend at work, but that might because I have not done much work in my life. I think a lot of the closest friends my husband has made have been through work.
All the friends I have ever made have already made very close friends a long time ago and have no need for any more friends of that kind. So there is a predetermined level not in how far our friendship can progress.
I know that acquaintances and low level friendships are key to mental health so I should pursue them anyway, but what I have always envied in my husband and other people is that they have one or more “best friends” that they can rely on like a sibling to always be there for them. Someone who understands them almost as deeply as a spouse and who always wants to know what is going on in their life no matter how far away they are. Someone they would maybe rather talk to than a spouse or blood relative when going through something - not that they should keep secrets from their spouse and family - because their best friend just values them for who they are without the complications of romance, marriage, paying household bills together, having kids, unpleasant childhood memories, etc.
I don’t know if I will ever have a close friend. I worry that at almost 40 it may be too late for me to make one. I also wonder if I am just not the kind of person anyone would want to get close to just for my personality.
Is it possible to platonically date someone with the intention of finding a best friend? I have put online personals out for this purpose (yes I told my husband) but I think it is too weird a concept and the people I have met have usually not wanted to see me again (even if they say they want to). The fact that I have resorted to this probably indicates that I am not the kind of person anyone would want for a close friend.
What do other people think? How do you think people become close friends and can it be done intentionally? How have you made your close friends?
I think I know how to make friends. I have done it at school, while traveling on tours, at church, etc. I have never made a friend at work, but that might because I have not done much work in my life. I think a lot of the closest friends my husband has made have been through work.
All the friends I have ever made have already made very close friends a long time ago and have no need for any more friends of that kind. So there is a predetermined level not in how far our friendship can progress.
I know that acquaintances and low level friendships are key to mental health so I should pursue them anyway, but what I have always envied in my husband and other people is that they have one or more “best friends” that they can rely on like a sibling to always be there for them. Someone who understands them almost as deeply as a spouse and who always wants to know what is going on in their life no matter how far away they are. Someone they would maybe rather talk to than a spouse or blood relative when going through something - not that they should keep secrets from their spouse and family - because their best friend just values them for who they are without the complications of romance, marriage, paying household bills together, having kids, unpleasant childhood memories, etc.
I don’t know if I will ever have a close friend. I worry that at almost 40 it may be too late for me to make one. I also wonder if I am just not the kind of person anyone would want to get close to just for my personality.
Is it possible to platonically date someone with the intention of finding a best friend? I have put online personals out for this purpose (yes I told my husband) but I think it is too weird a concept and the people I have met have usually not wanted to see me again (even if they say they want to). The fact that I have resorted to this probably indicates that I am not the kind of person anyone would want for a close friend.
What do other people think? How do you think people become close friends and can it be done intentionally? How have you made your close friends?
Comments
I started forming closer relationships through work and shared interests (bushwalking (hiking) groups, language classes, church...) It was organic. I didn't set out to make friends, I just met people, some of whom I got on well with, and it went from there.
I wish you all the best.
I think close friendships tend to arise about something, at least to start with—games or gardening or church or what have you. You can’t really be friends about nothing, at least to start with. But after you’ve started, then you may be lucky enough to discover that your games friends also share your appreciation for Tolkien, and for railroads or whatever. And gradually such a person turns into a close or best friend, of all goes well.
If I’m right, you need a minimum number of casual friends to help you discover the one (s) who might become closer. So put in the work to make those casual friends first. I wouldn’t say it was too late at any age. I’m in this process now I believe, and I’m fifty-right.
It is wrong to go around saying you are someone's boyfriend or girlfriend without discussing it with your (supposed) partner first. Shouldn't it be the same with a best friend?
It surprises me that we have life cycle events like engagements and weddings (and less formal ones like telling someone you love them for the first time, making a romantic relationship "official", meeting your partner's family, moving in with a partner, etc.) for one type of very important relationship, but almost no formal milestones for friendship. This means that a person like me could go through life convinced that the people I think are my close friends actually do not feel that close to me at all, and actually wish I was not as emotionally attached to them as I am but are not willing to say so.
Friendship is something that is idealized across cultures and religions as one of the greatest of human virtues, but in mainstream modern Western culture, how do you really know if someone is your best friend? Shouldn't it be official in some way? Why isn't it?
I'm in roughly the same position as you, and I wish I knew the answer to your question. Of the five close friends I had at age 20, two drifted away, two died, and one told me flat out she saw no need for us to be friends anymore. I've had "work friends" (who've all drifted away) and also "couple friends" (both halves of the couple are friends, but not "call you up to have a beer and complain about life" friends). I have longed for such for decades. I don't know how to go about it.
I moved here two years ago. I left my two close friends behind, four hours drive away. Of course we visit each other but phone calls are not the same as meeting in person regularly.
My new friend lives at the end of our street. We go out for coffee, call in for chats, go swimming on Fridays and to two U3A activities during the week. She’s a lovely lady, very cheerful and positive. I really like her.
@Lamb Chopped said -
Yes, this.
I’m a member of several groups (photography, art, U3A, German, village meet-up) and met my friend through one of these.
I seem to get along well enough without close friendships. I guess I'm a loner.
My late husband was my best friend. I am fortunate in having family close by, some good friends in church choir and good neighbours, so thankfully not short of people to turn to in times of practical need. I really appreciate that. But they are all busy people, with jobs or grandchildren commitments. But best friends, none.
A group of us from university are still in touch, and I belong to a correspondance group, all of whom I can confide in, but I wish I had someone locally, to go out for a trip or a meal, to share a joy or a private worry.
I don’t know how to get closer to anyone who is available to find out if we had enough in common to want to know each other better. At 78 I am not looking for a romantic relationship. I would rather be on my own than in some situations where I don’t get on. I often feel I don’t fit in.
My late wife had a small number of very close friends whereas I've always had lots of acquaintances and pals I see from time to time but not necessarily on a very deep level.
There's a fella in another parish with a quirky sense of humour and similar interests and I've suggested we meet for a coffee or pint when I'm up in his area. That's the sort of thing I do but it doesn't mean we'll become best pals.
There are people I see at an annual ecumenical/theological conference I attend. I see them once a year, although gradually I've begun to see some more regularly than that.
A lot if my close friends from the last don't leave around here.
On the 'marking' of these things in some way, ceremonially or formally, I understand there was a Byzantine rite to mark close friendships, which some have seen as a blessing on same-sex romantic relationships. Others have contested that.
Whatever the case, it does show that there were ritual 'markers' for close associations of some kind.
I'm not sure I'd see the need to mark these things formally but can understand how it would be helpful for those who would appreciate an arrangement like this.
At any rate, two of my closest relationships, with the elder Gamaliette and with my twin brother are a bit fraught at the moment, although not damaged beyond repair.
So I could do with some supportive buddies. An old university friend and a Quaker friend have been helpful as has s poetry pal, but by and large most of my pals aren't close enough for me to 'open up to' in any great depth - although I suspect I'm more open than be good for me at times.
I think the age you are is a tricky one. SO many people are busy with work, bringing up children looking out for elderly relatives etc that friendships other than already established ones can end up not seeming that important.
After David died, I moved back to Scotland and am now within fairly easy hailing distance of all my immediate family, which is lovely.
My church "family" is rapidly providing me with good friends (and as it happens, my "oldest" (as in longest-standing) friend happens to be in the congregation). We don't see each other every week (she's a more occasional attendee than I am), but we always have a good chin-wag when we do.
I've also made friends in Scottish Voices, and although we only see each other six times a year, it's a social group I very much appreciate.
Whenever I go to Orkney on holiday, I contact a group of old schoolfriends, and some of us will meet for coffee or a drink, and again, there's never any shortage of conversation!
I don't know that I've really got a "best friend" any more; I had one or two when I was at school, and one when I lived in Newfoundland, but our contact is of necessity rather less than it was.
I may as well open my reply by saying that I don't know how to make friends at all. The friends I have are people I have met through some shared interest or activity, or they are people I have met through other friends.
We have a loosely-arranged collection of "interesting people" that meet for dinner from time to time, and people are always welcome to bring someone who would fit in. We're all geeky and interested in learning new things and getting to know similar people: if you build robot submarines, or renaissance musical instruments, we'd probably enjoy talking to you.
I really don't feel the need to rank my friends. I don't think I've thought in terms of a "best friend" since I was about 10.
But I suppose I think that friendship grows out of shared interest and experience. I don't really see how friendship growing out of - well - wanting to be friends would work.
They have either died or I have lost contact with them. I don't think I have fallen out with any of them.
Hang in there. It's good to hear you here!
@Leorning Cniht - "if you build robot submarines, or renaissance musical instruments, we'd probably enjoy talking to you". That sounds great! That kind of thing is met in my life by work (in an engineering lab) and by museum volunteering. The guy who is good with industrial electrics also keeps bees, the part-time turner is also into playing music, several people do various kinds of woodwork. Even the new starter age 19 turns out to be a back-yard blacksmith. People who like 'stuff' can be pretty interesting (although the <spod voice on> I think you'll find factor is always lurking somewhere!).
Sometimes 'going deeper' is a matter of circumstance. I have been enjoying chatting to a PT half-retired guy at work now in his late 70s (another father figure, I guess, as I mentioned elsewhere) for a decade or so. His wife is now dying, and as things have panned out I go to sit with them one week, and my colleagues (one a little older than me, one a little younger) go to sit with them the next. It happened by accident as I had an ebay delivery for them to drop off - and now it is a thing, and I am glad for it.
In this thread folks have sometimes been wondering about finding friends, and naturally enough wondering about people who are similar. I have two remaining close friends with whom it is odd to note I am at odds about a whole load of things, maybe more than we have in common. I don't know how usual that is - we send each other up a fair bit.
Another church choir friend is in a similar position, but I just don’t feel the same connection. We get on well enough but I find she has a negative affect on me. That sounds uncharitable. It does go to show that similar circumstances are not enough in themselves to form a basis for a firm friendship. Personality is important too.
Enjoy your times with your new friend. 🙂
As I said on one of the other threads, like @mark_in_manchester several of my friends are not like me at all in terms of interests particularly the kind of books we read (I've been known, on occasions when several of us are together and they're all talking about clothes and makeup, to roll my eyes and say, "Well, this is fascinating. Wish I'd brought my book.") but a couple of them are also friends that I could talk to about most things and are supportive when I need someone to rant to.
I have always valued my girlfriends and told my daughter before she got married to make sure she kept in touch with hers as there have been times in my life when I don't know how I'd have got through without mine. The son-in-law found this quite strange to start with, but it was something my own mother told me and I've always valued and acted on that advice. (I sometimes wish my husband would go out more with his man friends... we've been married a long time!
As for making close friends, this is a challenging thought for me as my husband wants to move house next year and if we do I'll have to made a new circle of friends somehow.
That's really daft on the part of the new spouse - as @Nenya notes, keeping ones own friendships is a really important thing in a marriage, in my view also. If she thinks of me at all, I hope my wife slags me off rightly when she is out with her lot, and gets it off her chest!
I hope your move turns out (or doesn't) as best suits you both, Nenya. The internet has allowed me to keep alive some friendships which otherwise would ave withered due to distance - though when I was young (say 30 years ago) we used to write letters to each other, which seems so quaint now.
As for your rituals, Bob - care to share more?
Women, in my experience and observation, seem, generally, to be better at maintaining friendship via phone/ video call/ occasional meeting than men.
Thanks.
The nature of male and female friendships is probably the subject of a separate thread. (Me to my husband some years ago - "Don't men talk about this kind of stuff when they get together?" My husband - "No!
I can sometimes bit a bit thick where these things are concerned. A lady who lived near us and also attended our church would call in to say hi if she was on a walk, or would call in with her son in the school holidays to have a play date with our daughter. At first I found this a bit peculiar, but realised later that she was just friendly and caring and we got on well together. She has moved to a different town now, but I still count her as a very good friend.
Other than friends through church/home group, my other most consistent interactions with people have been through my work. I'm still in contact with 3 of those colleagues and do count them as friends and enjoy catching up a few times a year.
I can only consciously think of one friendship that I initiated which was with one of the friends mentioned above. At one time she was leader in my work team and at the time I felt it not appropriate to initiate a friendship because some people don't like to have to instruct or discipline people they are friendly with and then of course there can be accusations of favouritism. However, when she moved onto a different job, I asked if she'd like to stay in touch and we've been friends for over 20 years now. We both enjoy books and crafts, going out for coffee and discussing politics and I am so glad I made that initial enquiry. My life has been enriched by our friendship.
I also value the part that church has played in finding community when we moved away from our hometown, that can be very challenging and I feel for people who can't automatically find their feet in a new place.
This may well involve me having to be more intentional about my friendships.
It will be interesting to see how my husband's work friendships develop once he's no longer in paid employment, and how easy he finds it to make "new" friends. For the past 25 years, he and my cousin's husband have always gravitated towards each other at family events, but they have never socialised outwith family get-togethers. Last month they went for a night out together, and it was a great success. They have a lot in common and obviously know each other very well, so socialising independently of their shared in-laws was long overdue.
He has no shortage of plans; filling his time will not be difficult. It will be a huge adjustment in terms of re-forging ourselves as a couple, though, and friendships will be a large part of that.
U3A isn't about being a student.
They are 'shared interest' groups. I go to photography, art, German and local history. You meet really interesting people.
One is a retired sound/cameraman. He's helping to produce a historical sound archive for the museum. He's fascinating to chat to.
Some are monthly, some fortnightly and some weekly.
I find that in a small place everything is connected, so you soon find you have a wide network of people who, if not close friends, soon become people you enjoy spending time with.