When things get worse

Climacus · January 31

Hosts: I am aware I may overshare on this site. Presumptuous perhaps, but I have some hope that if one person is going through the struggles I am and reads it it may help them feel they are not alone. This is not that post, so feel free to shut it down if you see fit. I just have nowhere else to go (as I see it).

Bare with me. I am honest if nothing else. Let me say I believe in the mercy of God; He is not Zeus sending down thunderbolts or looking for some slight transgression to send one to torment. He has done, is doing, all He can to draw people to Him (in my possibly simplistic view).

It is 19+ years since I was received into Orthodoxy. 9+ years were spent away, and I returned last year. So there is that. But since I have returned I have objectively become a worse person. And I am worse than I was 20 years ago.

Taking to priests, confession, the Eucharist... None of this helps. At all.

I believe what Orthodoxy teaches. Completely. But maybe it isn't good for me -- or me for it. I am actively looking to move to a place as far away from an Orthodox church as possible to take a break, from parish services at least (my feeble prayer life may continue). Maybe I'll annoy the Catholics or Anglicans... Maybe I won't.

Thoughts? I realise I may sound insane -- tell me. I am in a manic state currently, sleep-deprived and more, but the fact I am worse is not an illusion. I'm not flagellating myself; priests, plural, have said I am unhealthily obsessed with my sins. But any advice has proved useless. And here I am. More sinful than yesterday. I truly believe, God forgive me, that me being in the Orthodox church, despite me believing it, loving the liturgies... is just not good for me.

Thanks for reading.

mark_in_manchester · January 31

Climacus wrote: »

...I am in a manic state currently, sleep-deprived and more, but the fact I am worse is not an illusion. I'm not flagellating myself; priests, plural, have said I am unhealthily obsessed with my sins...

Mate, your head knows the score, even though it's cloudy for you at the same time - you told us in the two sentences above

Sometimes our trajectory is up - but sometimes it is down. Sometimes we feel like sanctification is actually a possibility - and sometimes we don't. And 'time' is a very arbitrary thing itself - what is a suitable integration time (sorry, I was an engineer) for sin? How are you doing with a 10 minute running-average? Or a 20 year running average? Choosing either time window (or any other) is arbitrary, not laid out in the gospels (for good reason

) and likely to be helpful or unhelpful depending on our state of mind.

I don't wish what you are suffering with on you for a moment. There are also things to (perhaps bizarrely) celebrate. You know you are a sinner. I'm glad I know that about myself, and I am sure I will remain one until I die. I do hope to be afflicted by sin less as time goes on, but some of my besetting ones (wrath, if I can be personal for a moment) are terrible, and I frighten myself with the possibility I could lose it and cause a tragedy. I don't think I will, but I can see how that worry would play on me more if my mental health (which can be sketchy, and has always been that way) was in a different place.

I can't advise you about which church (or none) to seek. But I do suggest that when our mental health is taking a wobble, **doing nothing** is often a good move, until the fog clears and perspective returns. I need to be told that about once a month - but sometimes it is every other week, and sometimes once in three months. The time periods don't mean anything, and neither really does the trajectory. You are known, and the Lord loves you. Take care.

Heavenlyannie · January 31

I agree with MinM. A manic state is not a time to make decisions. When I am manic my thought processes are often askew and don’t reflect reality. Issues tend to get blown up. For instance, at a time in my life when I was giving lots of conference talks, I would get grandiose thoughts and find myself rehearsing speeches I would give to my thousands of admirers, with real diamonds shining in my eyes.
I find the best thing to do when I am manic and consumed by thoughts is to seek peace and quiet. I do this through long walks away from distractions and by meditation to clear my mind. When I was in my worse episode of mental health, over 25 years ago when I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, what kept me going was knowing that God was there for me; He was the only certainty I had in my instability. And I do not need to be good enough for God because He loves me regardless.

Foaming Draught · January 31

I don't have deeply spiritual advice for you, my brother, but practical advice would be that you do your prac up here (it won't rain for ever, Gen 9, "I have set my bow in the clouds"), and have a beer or two with a fellow-if-different (not that I've got the foggiest what you think your sins are) sinner. And we can annoy the heck out of the bar persons at the Cowboys Leagues Club as we sing We Are So Glad That Jesus Loves Even Us!

Lamb Chopped · January 31

I agree that digging in your hooves and staying in one place is great advice for people in crisis. But if you want to take a break from your current place of worship, there's nothing that says you can't "vacation" somewhere else. You don't have to make permanent or official changes, just go visiting. Sending you a PM.