Not content with two separate primary cancers - breast and pancreas - and the chemo- and (in the first case) radiotherapy for those, and their horrible legacies, in the form of peripheral neuropathy and radiation scars, my mother is now having very dangerous infections. Just to add a sort of coping stone to the horrors, while in hospital for intravenous anti-biotics for the latest infection, she slipped in the toilet and broke her femur. This has been pinned surgically, and she is in bed recovering, but something has fogged her mind, and frankly I just don't know....
I am also furious with God - this is too much for one human being, even if she were the most appalling monster on earth. She isn't.
I have got to the point where I feel like screaming at her "stop fucking dying". She's 81, nearly 82, the breast cancer was diagnosed in 2019, and it feels like, through the horrors of the chemo (it was triple oestrogen resistant, so the treatment options were strictly limited, shall we say?) and radiotherapy, and the ups and downs between that and the pancreatic cancer being diagnosed two years ago, it's....well....
I have got to the point where I feel like screaming at her "stop fucking dying". She's 81, nearly 82, the breast cancer was diagnosed in 2019, and it feels like, through the horrors of the chemo (it was triple oestrogen resistant, so the treatment options were strictly limited, shall we say?) and radiotherapy, and the ups and downs between that and the pancreatic cancer being diagnosed two years ago, it's....well....
Condolences to you and @Hugal, @Gill H , I am glad for all the the passing was one of peace. @ThunderBunk, that is a heavy load for any to carry, I am so sorry.
My father, after about 6 months in the hospital, 5 months in a temporary nursing home has landed in his final destination, the nursing home in which my mother lived her last months. He sounded more chipper last night than he has in over a year.
Well, a bit of an update. She is still with us, variably with it. Still taking antibiotics, been moved to an oncology ward while the infection and the functioning of the stent in her bile duct are monitored. What life will be like from here on in, who knows, but things are still really only going one way.
Yesterday was an interesting day. My father just moved into his final destination nursing home on Tuesday. I spent yesterday afternoon playing pickleball as I do most Sunday afternoon. Ms. C picks me up and I find out that our youngest son got hurt in a freak curling accident and she had dropped him off at Urgent Care ( He's fine. Just bruised) I get home and am eating supper watching the Liberal leadership coverage, when my sister calls me. The Nursing home called her announcing that my father had been vomiting and they suspected a bowel blockage and wanted to send him to the hospital, to which my sister consented. Gets checked out and it turns out he required emergency surgery or he would have been dead within hours. Surgery was a success. Surgeon surprised how well it went given he is 89. They plan to have him up and walking today and she has sicked the Anglican chaplain on him ( a family friend). The hospital is about 500 metres from my office so I will drop over to see him this afternoon.
I am not sure if my father has had a setback or this is just a common bump on the road to recovery. He was vomiting yesterday so they have a tube through his nose emptying the contents of his stomach. He looked quite grey to me when I visited him this afternoon.
I'm on my way to see my mum in hospital. I'll report back. She is in a side room and eagerly awaiting a discharge which is far from being properly arranged. That's what I know so far...
I spoke with dad yesterday. They have removed the catheter and were going to give him liquids by mouth. It seems recovering from bowel surgery at 89 can be a bit of a rollercoaster. I have developed a bit of a cold so I will only be calling him until the sniffles disappear.
Glad your dad is slowly on the mend. I think any surgery at that age, specially as an emergency is going to take some time to recover from. Hopefully your dad will be able to go back to the nursing home soon.
It’s a very long time since I’ve been around the ship, but I needed an anonymous place to ask this/rant and thought of you lovely people.
Was going to do a long description but basically between the aging parents, Mr F and I have early (diagnosed) dementia, heart issues, post cancer fatigue, post stoma surgery problems, mobility issues, T2 diabetes, digestion issues, etc… one set are six hours drive away, one we can get to in an hour. Various attitudes to life from “glsss half full, lets keep going as long as we can” to “moving is such hard work for me (unfitness) I won’t bother to move”. There’s also a grandparent, in their late 90s and physically and mentally fitter than most of them!
Both of us are one of two siblings. Both of our siblings are… disappointing. One sibling, who lives closer than us to the parents six hours away, is useless (that’s his wife’s description) and won’t visit as … who knows. Thinks things are ok “because I spoke to them a few weeks ago and they knew who I were”. Suspect there may be stress issues there but he works a reasonable mid management job, manages a family and social life. Has throughout his adult life done things that parents have felt sad about (but never challenged). Things like - never invited on Christmas, contact always one way - but no row or obvious disagreement. The other sibling lives in a different country and thinks a weekly phone call is too much effort, and will visit maximum once a year (finances a problem, we would usually pay for flights).
I know life will get worse, and it’s easier for Mr F and I to plan the future than to anticipate any collaboration with the siblings, but I’m already feeling deeply resentful of them. Both sets of parents have always been scrupulously fair between siblings and it just feels brutal that the others just… don’t engage. Whilst Mr F is non confrontational , I am really gunning to say what I think to these guys but, it’s going to get worse and probably I need to save that for a later date.
Anyway. Tell me about your siblings and caring for the aged parents. I used to think the parent (who now has dementia) had an awful lot as she was an only child dealing with her mother with dementia and had to make all the decisions by herself. Now I think, well, at least she didn’t feel resentful about what her non-existent siblings didnt do.
@ferijen, I'm so glad to see you here, but not happy about what you're going through.
Your situation with the parents seems a lot like what I had gone through recently. Both of my siblings weren't helpful. Yes, resentfulness is totally understandable!! It is a huge burden, and extra hands would be a lot of help.
Do the parents have wills? Do you and Mr F have power of attorney and medical surrogacy rights? I'm not sure where you live, and know that different countries have different rules about these things.
Are the parents still able to make legal decisions? If they are, and they can share details with you, could you check their wills and any life insurance policies they might have?
One of the things I am still dealing with a year after my father's death (two years after my mom's death) is trying to navigate the legal issues of money going to survivors. One of my Dad's life insurance policies was to go to my mother. He had no secondary beneficiary, and I'm sure he thought he would die first. It has been a nightmare dealing with that.
Like most people their age, they never wanted to talk to us about their arrangements. I had to learn things really quickly as their dementia got drastically worse.
I really hope things go a lot better for you than they did for me!
Lovely to see you @ferijen , but sad for your reasons to be here. I too am one of two siblings. My brother and I get on well, but he was never that great at being a support when things got tricky with our mum. Then he became seriously ill so I couldn't involve him, which was in some ways easier. I'm sure he'd have prevaricated about the move into care for instance. If you can I'd make sure power of attorney is sorted at the very least, then you can legally help sort out their finances etc.
Thanks both. The ones longer away (which include the dementia) have had PoA sorted for years (and recently refreshed it). The ones locally are being reminded to do it on a regular basis, I think we had a shift this week. The longer ones away have also made it absolutely clear they do not want a DNR in any circumstances, which is tricky. Apparently, doctors want to kill everyone over 70.
It is exasperating that the ones with two siblings in the country (UK) still act like the useless sibling will “come through” when it matters, despite increasing evidence to the contrary. There was an emergency hospitalisation when they last visited us, and the useless sibling had to be told to get here, to go and visit, even where to park. And yes, apparently competent in other areas of life. That was the only time useless sibling saw their parents in 2024.
My sister and I hold my father's joint POA. He definitely wants to be resuscitated, if needed. He tells us he plans to live to 100. My office is 500 meters from his current hospital bed. Now all I need to do is get rid of this bloody cold. Thankfully, sister and I agree on his care needs.
I wish I could find out what my Dad has in place re PofA and so forth--when asked, he waves a hand toward a stack of papers and says, "You'll find what you need in there when it's time." I'm not at all sure that he realizes California doesn't automatically give stepdaughters the right to make next-of-kin decisions in hospitals--and when I try to bring up the subject, he gets angry. But he's estranged from my other sibling,* who lives 20 minutes from him (I'm 1500 miles away). Given that he's a cancer survivor, I can't help wondering how he imagines this is going to go, with his only contact and caregiver so far away, and him refusing to give me (for instance) even the name of a neighbor who might check on him if he falls out of touch.
* To be fair to my sibling, I can see exactly why and how this developed. And the primary resistance to becoming un-estranged isn't from him...
I'm always afraid most people would think I was the awkward, unhelpful child, and my sister the virtuous one. I don't think it's that simple, for many, many reasons. Anyway, the shit is hitting the fan, as my mother fades inexorably. On Saturday, I spent time with her in the neutral space of a hospital sideroom for a blessed couple of hours. Now she is at home, she is more comfortable, but everything is now determined by a combination of my father and my sister, who lives about half a mile from them. I have to stand on my head, emotionally, to spend time there, and it is exhausting. I have to conform to their agenda in every particular. Unless things get notably difficult, screw that. Two carers are now going in four times a day, so apart from a tokenish appearance for Mothering Sunday, I am not going to bust a gut for the foreseeable future.
My father returned to his nursing home today. An infection that had to be treated slowed this down. Thanks to all for their kind words and thoughts over the last fortnight.
I believe my mother is in her final decline. Not hugely steeply yet, but that's where we are going. I don't think she has any further fight in her. Please pray also for my father and sister, that they can accept and support her as she goes. I'm not physically near them at the moment, but that will probably change over the next day or two.
(((( @ThunderBunk ))))
What you're going through is so very hard. Your circumstances are so wildly different from life as usual; not knowing where to be or what to do is so unsettling. Please be kind and patient with yourself!
Just passing by to say hi and waving support to those of us with aging parents.
No major change here, although some explanation for Useless Sibling In The Country’s behaviour has come to light, which will be tricky and not straightforward to resolve. But only really excusing the last 12 months, not the last 20 years.
Comments
I am also furious with God - this is too much for one human being, even if she were the most appalling monster on earth. She isn't.
I just don't know any more.
@ThunderBunk, that is awful. I’d be furious with God too.
((((((((((((@ThunderBunk))))))))))))
🕯
@ThunderBunk, that is a heavy load for any to carry, I am so sorry.
Prayers ascending that all will go well for your dad, and your youngest.
(Is that A, who was involved in the Choir School? If so, send him my best wishes!)
Was going to do a long description but basically between the aging parents, Mr F and I have early (diagnosed) dementia, heart issues, post cancer fatigue, post stoma surgery problems, mobility issues, T2 diabetes, digestion issues, etc… one set are six hours drive away, one we can get to in an hour. Various attitudes to life from “glsss half full, lets keep going as long as we can” to “moving is such hard work for me (unfitness) I won’t bother to move”. There’s also a grandparent, in their late 90s and physically and mentally fitter than most of them!
Both of us are one of two siblings. Both of our siblings are… disappointing. One sibling, who lives closer than us to the parents six hours away, is useless (that’s his wife’s description) and won’t visit as … who knows. Thinks things are ok “because I spoke to them a few weeks ago and they knew who I were”. Suspect there may be stress issues there but he works a reasonable mid management job, manages a family and social life. Has throughout his adult life done things that parents have felt sad about (but never challenged). Things like - never invited on Christmas, contact always one way - but no row or obvious disagreement. The other sibling lives in a different country and thinks a weekly phone call is too much effort, and will visit maximum once a year (finances a problem, we would usually pay for flights).
I know life will get worse, and it’s easier for Mr F and I to plan the future than to anticipate any collaboration with the siblings, but I’m already feeling deeply resentful of them. Both sets of parents have always been scrupulously fair between siblings and it just feels brutal that the others just… don’t engage. Whilst Mr F is non confrontational , I am really gunning to say what I think to these guys but, it’s going to get worse and probably I need to save that for a later date.
Anyway. Tell me about your siblings and caring for the aged parents. I used to think the parent (who now has dementia) had an awful lot as she was an only child dealing with her mother with dementia and had to make all the decisions by herself. Now I think, well, at least she didn’t feel resentful about what her non-existent siblings didnt do.
Your situation with the parents seems a lot like what I had gone through recently. Both of my siblings weren't helpful. Yes, resentfulness is totally understandable!! It is a huge burden, and extra hands would be a lot of help.
Do the parents have wills? Do you and Mr F have power of attorney and medical surrogacy rights? I'm not sure where you live, and know that different countries have different rules about these things.
Are the parents still able to make legal decisions? If they are, and they can share details with you, could you check their wills and any life insurance policies they might have?
One of the things I am still dealing with a year after my father's death (two years after my mom's death) is trying to navigate the legal issues of money going to survivors. One of my Dad's life insurance policies was to go to my mother. He had no secondary beneficiary, and I'm sure he thought he would die first. It has been a nightmare dealing with that.
Like most people their age, they never wanted to talk to us about their arrangements. I had to learn things really quickly as their dementia got drastically worse.
I really hope things go a lot better for you than they did for me!
It is exasperating that the ones with two siblings in the country (UK) still act like the useless sibling will “come through” when it matters, despite increasing evidence to the contrary. There was an emergency hospitalisation when they last visited us, and the useless sibling had to be told to get here, to go and visit, even where to park. And yes, apparently competent in other areas of life. That was the only time useless sibling saw their parents in 2024.
* To be fair to my sibling, I can see exactly why and how this developed. And the primary resistance to becoming un-estranged isn't from him...
What you're going through is so very hard. Your circumstances are so wildly different from life as usual; not knowing where to be or what to do is so unsettling. Please be kind and patient with yourself!
No major change here, although some explanation for Useless Sibling In The Country’s behaviour has come to light, which will be tricky and not straightforward to resolve. But only really excusing the last 12 months, not the last 20 years.