Bad news about my father in law today. He has had persistent diarrhoea for a month, with the GP insisting he must have “picked up a bug” which he never does, while we were trying to get them to investigate further as we thought it was a side effect of his new medication.
It turns out we’re all wrong. He had a fall yesterday and was taken into hospital for a few stitches, they were worried about a few other things and ran some tests, and found he’s got advanced cancer in his stomach and kidneys. He has between days and weeks, as far as we know.
Thank you all. He’s in a lot of discomfort but not much pain as far as I know (I can’t get there till Saturday) and is able to hold a conversation. He’s always been fairly stoic (sometimes too much where his health is concerned)
Bad news about my father in law today. He has had persistent diarrhoea for a month, with the GP insisting he must have “picked up a bug” which he never does, while we were trying to get them to investigate further as we thought it was a side effect of his new medication.
It turns out we’re all wrong. He had a fall yesterday and was taken into hospital for a few stitches, they were worried about a few other things and ran some tests, and found he’s got advanced cancer in his stomach and kidneys. He has between days and weeks, as far as we know.
Sorry to hear this, Aravis.
This does not happen just to old folks. Friday, I met one of my neighbors at a computer repair shop. He has a son, now in his mid-forties. Son started having the same symptoms you described. He went in to his physician who said essentially said the same thing. But the son would not have it. Son told physician he had been Army medic, special forces, for over twenty years. He knew something was really wrong. Turns out they found cancer in his colon and pancreas, both of which they removed; but it had metastasized into his bones. The treating physician has told him he was three years to live.
His wife and him have three kids, ages 12, 8 and six.
Point is if you or a loved one has something that is persistent, do not take a brush off from a physician. Insist on follow up.
Well, we are edging towards the end I think. I've agreed to go up on Thursday, staying til Sunday. I think.
Lord, have mercy on everyone. I get quite angry with God at times, because of the extent to which it feels like torture, but I don't suppose this is anything wildly unusual
It still feels like torture, though. For all of us.
Well, we are edging towards the end I think. I've agreed to go up on Thursday, staying til Sunday. I think.
Lord, have mercy on everyone. I get quite angry with God at times, because of the extent to which it feels like torture, but I don't suppose this is anything wildly unusual
It still feels like torture, though. For all of us.
My father in law’s prognosis is still very uncertain. They’ve successfully inserted a kidney drain. He’s able to eat and drink and hold a normal conversation, and was quite cheerful yesterday with a number of visitors. He is aware he won’t live long, which he’s OK with, but he’s understandably anxious about the late stages of kidney disease which his wife died with nearly 18 months ago.
At the moment they can’t get his electrolytes stable and have warned that this could result in a seizure at any time, which could well be fatal.
It’s difficult to know what to do at this point, as we are all working and all live over 200 miles away from him. I think all we can do is try to have any significant conversations with him now and accept that we may or may not see him again after those. And try and get as much information from the hospital as possible.
Down with Dad again. He struggles with words and goes round in circles trying to tell me things - but has been up a ladder pruning a tree (a whole load of work, he took a lot out) and made a nice job of repairing and painting a shed door. The garden looks nice and even the kitchen sink isn't too bad. It's funny what a mix this all can be.
A bit concerned about Mr Lamb, who has started dropping things on a daily basis, complains of dizziness, and refuses to see a doctor. I'm not sure if this is anxiety related to the dog's serious illness of what. It's hard to watch.
Well, we are edging towards the end I think. I've agreed to go up on Thursday, staying til Sunday. I think.
Lord, have mercy on everyone. I get quite angry with God at times, because of the extent to which it feels like torture, but I don't suppose this is anything wildly unusual
It still feels like torture, though. For all of us.
....and I'm back. Mum still not dead. Me feeling all over the place, and drained, and angry. She makes efforts of will to do things, but under the surface, it is clear how much living hurts. That is very very hard.
I'm so sorry to hear how this is going for you and your Mum, TB. A friend of mine who nursed his wife for years (more or less full-time over the last year) finally said goodbye to her this week. She had not eaten anything for more than seven weeks, and he was continually thinking that the time was nearly up - and then it wasn't. I hope you're able to get some rest, and that there will be aspects of the thing which are consoling, as well as frustrating, painful and all the rest. God be with you both.
Thinking of you very much @ThunderBunk. When someone deteriorates slowly over a lengthy period, that puts all sorts of strain on the family, or that's how it was in my family, it's very hard. Try to be kind to yourself.
Thank you, @Cheery Gardener . I'm doing my best. It's people being actually kind to my mother that feel like they are at a premium. I have a fundamentally different idea of what a human being is from my father and sister, who are actually there. Theirs is strictly conditional and transactional as far as I can see, and if my mother can't play nice, she doesn't get nice. I don't know what to do: it's not abuse, in that she is well cared for - it's the emotional side that is distressing. And it's not that they are exactly horrible to her - they just don't reach through the physical into the emotional. If the physical is too unpleasant or uncongenial, the emotional doesn't get a look in.
My mother's birthday is approaching. Sadly my mother's birthday is also the fourth anniversary of my father's death.
All of the grandchildren intend to visit her on her birthday, have communicated with each other, and have booked a table for a nice lunch. My brother is suggesting that Mum would rather be left alone on her birthday to grieve.
Two grandchildren and a grandson-in-law are travelling up from England. One is travelling from the central belt. The others are local to Mum. I speak to my mother every day, and get the impression she is very pleased. But it's possible that if she thinks my brother thinks she should be focussing on Dad's death, then she is telling him that.
I know what Mum is saying to me, but I don't know what she is saying to my brother.
It's nearly mum's birthday and we are having a celebration today. Cue all sorts of disasters. I am nearly exhausted and it's not even started yet.......
My brother is still saying that a birthday lunch for Mum on the anniversary of Dad's death is inappropriate. The bit I don't get is that we had a large family gathering for lunch on her 90th birthday. This is going to be much smaller and lower-key. There's obviously something bothering him, but I can't figure out why the 90th one, on the second anniversary, was appropriate, but this one, on the fourth anniversary, isn't.
The main difference as far as I can see, is that my brother and I organised and paid for the 90th, whereas the grandchildren have arranged this one, and I don't know who is paying! I suspect we are each paying for own own meals, and splitting the cost of my mother's meal.
Her birthday cake on her 90th was iced "With love 90" because we knew she didn't want the phrase "Happy Birthday" to appear anywhere. This time there won't even be that; I have ordered a tray of cupcakes instead of a cake, with no message.
I suspect, from what you have said of your Mum here, that it is her wanting not to inconvenience the grandkids but not able to say this to either you or your brothers face.
Well, we all survived. There were times when it felt like a dress rehearsal for my mother's funeral, but with the deceased present, and did not suggest that such things were a good idea.
I phone my mother every day, and I last visited her nine days ago. She's telling me how much she is looking forward to seeing the grandchildren.
But according to the latest message from my brother she's told him that she "wants to be left alone with her thoughts of Dad" on her birthday, and he's said it's going to be "very hard on her".
I'm just baffled that we seem to be getting such different messages from her.
No. To be honest, we don't have a lot of real-time conversations, though I would very much like us to chat more. I speak to his son, my nephew, more often, both in RL and by messenger. My brother and I get on perfectly well, but I think interacting with me is very low on his list of priorities. It's not me, I don't think, as we have cousins / second cousins that I'm much closer to than he is; he's not particularly interested in keeping in touch.
Most of our communication is on practical issues around Mum. Mum doesn't need much input from us at the moment, but it would be good to be on more chatty terms just in case we do need to make decisions at some point.
Minor irritation - when we message I sign off "Love, Quine, x" and he signs off "Regards, Quine'sbrother."
Father in law is on his way out, I think. He hasn’t recognised anyone or tried to speak in the last 24 hours. He appears to be in some pain or discomfort (he hasn’t been up to now) so hopefully the end will be peaceful and happen soon. Everyone he was close to has been able to visit at some point in the last few weeks while he was still compos mentis.
Prayers for your father in law @aravis that the end is peaceful.
I think a three way conversation between your brother, your mother and you might be useful @North East Quine unless its going to stir up more bother.
I am using my son’s gardening time with me to update him bit by bit on what he and his sister will need to deal with when I can no longer do so. He thinks it is morbid, but I think it is important, especially as they are not on speaking terms. The more I tell him, the more I realise he doesn’t know, as it is beyond his experience. But he is taking it all on board. I need to have the same chats with his sister, but her life is very busy and she won’t take it all in just now.
I must admit to being fascinated by this @Puzzler . My sister and I have been in the same position. We are talking at the moment but what happens after our parents each die is very much open to question.
Good idea, Aravis. When Dad was dying he split what he wanted us to do into two. He wanted my brother to take care of Mum's finances, and me to take care of the relationships side. As he explained to me, my brother doesn't know Mum's friends and our relations as well as I do, so he couldn't do that. E.g. the last Christmas Dad was alive, I wrote to everyone on their Christmas card list saying that owing to Dad's poor health they weren't sending Christmas cards, but had asked me to pass on their best wishes. My full contact details were on that letter, so that people could contact me for an update ahead of phoning them. And I contacted people when Dad died. I still sometimes get phone calls from someone who hasn't spoken to Mum for a while and wants a quick update before they phone her. It's a pretty good division.
Mum is the gardener. I've been doing bits each time I have visited since she's been bed bound. Dad spots and can do some things but others he doesn't spot and in any case doesn't have the instinctual response I've partly inherited. It's all moving and we shall just have to see what happens.
Yes, it is not just what will need doing after I die, but when I become too frail or confused. Hopefully a long time ahead yet.
IANAL (although I work for some); have you got a Power of Attorney in place? That would make sure someone was able to look after your finances if you couldn't.
Comments
It turns out we’re all wrong. He had a fall yesterday and was taken into hospital for a few stitches, they were worried about a few other things and ran some tests, and found he’s got advanced cancer in his stomach and kidneys. He has between days and weeks, as far as we know.
Yes. Praying for you and your families.
Sorry to hear this, Aravis.
This does not happen just to old folks. Friday, I met one of my neighbors at a computer repair shop. He has a son, now in his mid-forties. Son started having the same symptoms you described. He went in to his physician who said essentially said the same thing. But the son would not have it. Son told physician he had been Army medic, special forces, for over twenty years. He knew something was really wrong. Turns out they found cancer in his colon and pancreas, both of which they removed; but it had metastasized into his bones. The treating physician has told him he was three years to live.
His wife and him have three kids, ages 12, 8 and six.
Point is if you or a loved one has something that is persistent, do not take a brush off from a physician. Insist on follow up.
Lord, have mercy on everyone. I get quite angry with God at times, because of the extent to which it feels like torture, but I don't suppose this is anything wildly unusual
It still feels like torture, though. For all of us.
It is. Felt that way when my mother died.
At the moment they can’t get his electrolytes stable and have warned that this could result in a seizure at any time, which could well be fatal.
It’s difficult to know what to do at this point, as we are all working and all live over 200 miles away from him. I think all we can do is try to have any significant conversations with him now and accept that we may or may not see him again after those. And try and get as much information from the hospital as possible.
A bit concerned about Mr Lamb, who has started dropping things on a daily basis, complains of dizziness, and refuses to see a doctor. I'm not sure if this is anxiety related to the dog's serious illness of what. It's hard to watch.
....and I'm back. Mum still not dead. Me feeling all over the place, and drained, and angry. She makes efforts of will to do things, but under the surface, it is clear how much living hurts. That is very very hard.
All of the grandchildren intend to visit her on her birthday, have communicated with each other, and have booked a table for a nice lunch. My brother is suggesting that Mum would rather be left alone on her birthday to grieve.
Two grandchildren and a grandson-in-law are travelling up from England. One is travelling from the central belt. The others are local to Mum. I speak to my mother every day, and get the impression she is very pleased. But it's possible that if she thinks my brother thinks she should be focussing on Dad's death, then she is telling him that.
I know what Mum is saying to me, but I don't know what she is saying to my brother.
Aaaarghhhh!
My brother is still saying that a birthday lunch for Mum on the anniversary of Dad's death is inappropriate. The bit I don't get is that we had a large family gathering for lunch on her 90th birthday. This is going to be much smaller and lower-key. There's obviously something bothering him, but I can't figure out why the 90th one, on the second anniversary, was appropriate, but this one, on the fourth anniversary, isn't.
The main difference as far as I can see, is that my brother and I organised and paid for the 90th, whereas the grandchildren have arranged this one, and I don't know who is paying! I suspect we are each paying for own own meals, and splitting the cost of my mother's meal.
Her birthday cake on her 90th was iced "With love 90" because we knew she didn't want the phrase "Happy Birthday" to appear anywhere. This time there won't even be that; I have ordered a tray of cupcakes instead of a cake, with no message.
But according to the latest message from my brother she's told him that she "wants to be left alone with her thoughts of Dad" on her birthday, and he's said it's going to be "very hard on her".
I'm just baffled that we seem to be getting such different messages from her.
Most of our communication is on practical issues around Mum. Mum doesn't need much input from us at the moment, but it would be good to be on more chatty terms just in case we do need to make decisions at some point.
Minor irritation - when we message I sign off "Love, Quine, x" and he signs off "Regards, Quine'sbrother."
I think a three way conversation between your brother, your mother and you might be useful @North East Quine unless its going to stir up more bother.
Good idea, Aravis. When Dad was dying he split what he wanted us to do into two. He wanted my brother to take care of Mum's finances, and me to take care of the relationships side. As he explained to me, my brother doesn't know Mum's friends and our relations as well as I do, so he couldn't do that. E.g. the last Christmas Dad was alive, I wrote to everyone on their Christmas card list saying that owing to Dad's poor health they weren't sending Christmas cards, but had asked me to pass on their best wishes. My full contact details were on that letter, so that people could contact me for an update ahead of phoning them. And I contacted people when Dad died. I still sometimes get phone calls from someone who hasn't spoken to Mum for a while and wants a quick update before they phone her. It's a pretty good division.
IANAL (although I work for some); have you got a Power of Attorney in place? That would make sure someone was able to look after your finances if you couldn't.