I rang the Dowager yesterday, not having seen or spoken to her for a fortnight (we've been away a week, and my cousin's saintly wife, over from Canada, has been visiting almost daily). When I got through, her greeting was 'Right in the middle of bingo!' Even a year ago she refused to play bingo ('kindergarten games!') and would never, ever have prioritised anything over a phone call. Sigh.
Anyway, later on we were watching 'Ambulance' on catch-up, when I got a call to say she'd had a fall *again*, because she'd stomped out of the lounge, where everyone* was watching Strictly, because she didn't like something about it. She hit her head and had to be taken off to A&E in an ambulance. , but apparently was back in her own bed last night, late. And no-one said she'd broken her finger, which was what was worrying her, so that's good. I'm off to see her tomorrow, but I just wonder how long this can go on.
* something about that made me wonder if it was attention-seeking; she usually loves Strictly...
Prayers for all, and their APs, and the various difficulties they find themselves in
Tukai, so glad your family managed to go and see your mother, that her passing was peaceful. Zappa hope Mrs Z gets her operation soon and it goes well. Mrs S, glad the Dowager didn't do any lasting damage, hope that you enjoy your visit.
We spent Thursday looking at places with mum. The one she liked has now had another offer accepted on it, but there is a flat in the same place she didn't see that brother SiL and I think is probably better so we are hoping to get first dibs on that and haven't told her the other one has been taken. She was so muddled, cross and confused that we want to keep things simple. These flats have lots of support so hopefully can look after mum.
We need to get things sorted soon. Shortly after she returned on Friday the neighbours sent a video from their door cam of mum shouting through their letter-box and dumping stuff outside their door. Yesterday her electrics tripped and she couldn't work out how to put them back on so I had to call one of her friends out to sort it. Today she phoned early to say the milk was off and seemed convinced my brother was coming over to see her. I'm trying to get the mental health team to see her and an estate agent coming round to value her flat next week so things are moving.
The GP jumped up and down and Mrs Zappa (the elder ... kuruman keeps her own name) was admitted straightaway ... she's in surgery at this moment ... I can't get there but am confidant all will be well
Hope everything goes well with your mother, Zappa.
@Tukai, enjoy your travels - you and your family did manage to say goodbye, which is surely the most important thing.
@Sarasa - can you send the video to the mental health team? And/or the GP? so that they realise that this is ongoing and not a great situation. It's good news that your mother liked one of the supported flats, and a sleight of hand to get her into the same complex sounds like the way to go. Sorry this continues to be such a grind.
@The Intrepid Mrs S good news that the Dowager wasn't worse hurt, but does suggest she's in the right place, albeit still attention seeking.
Someone from the Mental Health team phoned today. The consultant wants to put mum on risperidone. I said no, not without him actually seeing her. I know there are various common side-effects and mum is someone who has a tendency to adverse reactions to drugs. If that's the way forward I want it properly discussed and considered first. At least we are slowly getting somewhere though.
@Zappa - prayers that your mother is doing well after the surgery and she soon starts to annoy you with her independent ways again.
My father, may peace be upon him, fell last night at 10 pm. He had his phone on him, did he ring for help when he first could not get up? Nope! He lay there for four hours and then decided to ring my sister! I am not sure if she told him to call the ambulance or did it for him. Anyway, he was bruised but otherwise unhurt but needed lifting.
We were just hoping we were getting onto a plateau with my parents. Mum in steady decline and Dad in a place where he was if anything getting better.
We have a lovely guest staying, who has such similar, painful stories to tell. Who knows how many APs are being kept (just!) afloat by people like her/you-all?
JJ, your story reminds me of so many others, who wouldn't press their alarm button because they didn't want to be a nuisance, or thought there would be nobody there to answer it ...
Sarasa, I understand your reluctance to have your Mum medicated without seeing the consultant, but risperidone transformed the Dowager. She is much kinder and gentler now (albeit with two terrible black eyes and no memory at all of the fall). And it isn't fair of me to say she was attention-seeking - she suggests that sometimes she is suddenly frightened and has to go somewhere different, which - if true -may be worrying.
That being said, while she was still a free-range Dowager, I stopped telling her when we were going to see Miss S - so often she fell or had another emergency on those days that I knew subconsciously something changed - perhaps she was less careful because she was envious?
Anyway, blessings on all APs and on those who love and care for them.
Mrs. S, busy shredding every letter anyone has ever sent the Dowager, seemingly!
JJ - glad your dad had his phone with him and he managed to phone your sister, even if it did take him four hours to do so. Do you think he'd consider moving into a home or at least some more sheltered housing?
Mrs S - my worry is that loss of balance is a common side effect of risperidone, and living on her own without help and refusing pendant alarms etc could mean she doesn't get speedy help if she did have a fall. We haven't got a diagnosis of dementia, or anything else yet so I think she needs a thorough examination before anti-psychotic drugs are dished out.
I'm off to see mum in a bit, we have an estate agent coming round to do a valuation later this morning. My mum's ideas about moving change from minute to minute. Sometimes we are horrible because we won't 'stay by her side' all the time, then she wants to move to a house by the seaside and isn't bothered if it is further away from us. Latest thing is that where she lives is boring, my brothers town is boring, she wants to move to Central London and go to the theatre all the time. Its all very tricky to deal with.
JJ - glad your dad had his phone with him and he managed to phone your sister, even if it did take him four hours to do so. Do you think he'd consider moving into a home or at least some more sheltered housing?
Dad is adamant he wants to stay in the family home. We even know which sheltered housing we would like to move him into. He will not consider it. He is still pretty compos mentis.
Dad fell again this morning but managed to get up. This is not good.
@zappa that is good news. Prayers for her and for you and all of us with Aged Parents. Elderly parents are not easy.
Estate agents visit went well, her valuation was higher than I thought it might be, and mum seemed OK with it all. Now just need to work out a strategy to keep her on side while we sell her place.
While there I found a report from the ambulance service for Friday night. She'd called 999 in a panic about the neighbours again, and they had come and checked her over. They'd tried calling my brother and I but we were both out, so that was the first I knew about it as mum had obvious either forgotten or didn't think it was worth mentioning.
@Sarasa - that's not good, I suspect the ambulance service will have put in a referral to social services too, especially if they couldn't get hold of you or your brother. If social services know about your mother, then they could have left knowing she was in the system. But it does sound as if she needs to be somewhere with more care available.
@Jengie Jon I always think no news is good news, until I haven't heard from mum in a while and then I start imagining all sorts @Curiosity killed I am wondering whether the call from the Mental Health team on Monday was not in response to my phone call to them Friday afternoon, but to the paramedics visit in the evening. We now have a date for a consultant's appointment, which is good. Let's hope we can actually get mum there.
Anyone managed to find a way to stop aged parent (in my case Dad) from catastrophic thinking about the weather. AFAICT on BBC weather forecast was the mention of a cold spell. This is late October such things are to be expected. He had six feet of snow landing on the Pennines on Friday night and into Saturday.
As an aged person who became over anxious about fire safety I made a deal with Mr Image that he would be the one who would stay on top of forrest fire reports in our area and be in charge of when and if we needed to plan to leave for safety. Somehow it worked and relieved a lot of worry on my part, when I stopped checking the fire reports all day long this past summer. Perhaps you can make a deal with your dad that you will be the one to worry about the weather and he can stop checking the forecast so often.
During the worst of the quakes when news reports were so horrible I had my brother listen for me and ring if I needed to know anything. It helped me keep my precarious hold on reality.
Alright, senior incompetence sometimes thwarts its own stupidity. Dad gave out twelve digits of his debit card number to an unknown person but would not give the last four as he thought those were his passcode. I discovered this only after I had cancelled the card.
@Jengie Jon I'm very glad that my mother's poor eyesight means she can't give out credit card details to random people. That sounds like a close shave.
He gave up his credit card over five years ago. We are trying to train him to pass all financial decisions to my sister as she is the one who manages his books. It was not a good half hour.
My mother, mercifully, couldn't understand people on the phone unless they spoke with an RP accent! Since that was rare among scammers, she survived many attempts to cheat her <spinning smiley>
In fact, I found it hard to get her to part with money! And she has plenty - maybe that's how she did it!
Visiting my parents for a few days while my dad is waiting for an operation. They are really struggling and haven’t been out of the house in a while. Fortunately, church friends are supporting them. However, the clergy have been conspicuous by their absence, despite Dad being a retired vicar and having served in the church for years. Apparently no-one has offered to bring them communion.
I dropped in on the after service coffee today and politely suggested that since they hadn’t made it to church in 3 weeks, an offer of home communion might be appropriate.
@Gill H - hope someone came out, it seems a shame you had to remind them of what should have been obvious. I hope your dad's operation goes well and both parents are out and about soon.
We haven't had any more psychotic episodes from mum but she is getting more and more confused. On Wednesday it was a confused story about buying a DVD she didn't want and a Toblerone from some charity(?) person in the street. I gave her a lecture about being careful about her money, not sure if that sunk in. Yesterday she got a taxi to a friend's so they could go to the theatre. Trouble is the theatre visit is tomorrow. Mum seemed very uncertain about why she got muddled, but I guess she might have thought yesterday was Saturday. She's just phoned me now and started by saying she was watching the people in Marks and Spencer and when she got back it was gone so she couldn't send the present. Managed to work out she wants to send a hamper to my ex-sister in law, something she does every year but can't find her address book. I pointed out it will be somewhere, and even if she can't find it my brother will know. She seemed very surprised that my brother would know where ex-partner and his daughter lived.
On a positive note we are getting viewings of her flat, and she hasn't started to want to back out of moving yet.
Oh, God. This is an unhappy reminder of gross pastoral neglect of a ninety-nine year old acquaintance who recently passed. She was a life long Roman Catholic. When she went into hospice care, her daughter called the church she had usually attended to have someone come bring her communion and possibly do reconciliation. Oh, no that is the responsibility of her parish church. Her family called the parish church: Sorry, there is no one available. Not even a lay minister? No. She ended up being served by an Episcopal priest who was a close family friend which made her happy enough. After she had died, I told a close, Catholic friend of mine about it. She was appalled! She believed that if the family had contacted her large church there would have been help available. Unfortunately I didn't hear about all this until it was too late. The RCC talks about the laity being scandalized: I was scandalized.
After a couple of days feeling a bit low because she wasn't 100% immediately, Mother Zappa is now shuffling on the rooftops and happy as a pig in a poke
I’ve held off joining this thread as both my parents died ages ago. I visit an aunt in a lovely care home where she is really well looked after, but she is naturally very upset that this wasn’t the life she had planned - Parkinson’s hit her early (73) and she is now completely bedridden and an associated dementia affects her most of the time. I visit as often as I can, a 2 hour drive each way, and stay for as long as I feel she wants the visit which is usually under 15 minutes. Her daughters, friends and I struggle to know how to visit, and tomorrow I’m taking a book of poetry that she’ll have learned at school, hoping this will calm her. She’s never been a church goer, beyond the usual hatch, match & despatch, but I’m wondering about taking a hymn book for the same reason.
I'd take the hymn book, you don't need to produce it if the poetry seems enough. Good to have a back up. Family photos may be of interest too.
My brother has Parkinson's, but not as advanced as your Aunt sounds. This year when I visited he was better than last year. I think they have sorted the meds out.
This time I took flowers, we went through a few old photos, and I read a couple of Pam Ayres (she used to love those) until she told me to go. The Parkinson’s that she has is proving to be very aggressive, and the meds are good in one way but with side effects that mean she rarely leaves her bed. It’s like being locked in jail, even though her surroundings and care are lovely (she had her nails painted while I was there).
Poems are good: we used to quote The Owl and the Pussycat and The Tale of Sonia Snell to my mum when she was in the early stages of dementia, and she would join in with the lines she could remember.
There came a point late in my dad's life when he seemed to tire of seeing photographs: I recall a visit my sister and I made, and when she took out a photo album he waved it away, but he may have just been having a bad day.
Glad the visit went as well as it could @daisydaisy. My mum loves poetry, I ought to read to her when I go over as her eyesight does mean she can't do that for herself anymore. I tried to get her sorted with talking books, but even the simplest technology defeats her nowadays.
Mum has been pretty cheerful and jolly the last couple of visits. We have a visit planned with the memory clinic for Monday that I haven't told her about yet. Need to talk to my brother about how to approach that. She needs to go as I know it won't be long before she gets into another paranoid phase but it seems a bit like rocking the boat to take her at the moment. We've also had a very cheeky offer for her flat. I'm glad there is some interest, but we've already priced it fairly low.
Stubbornness. Quite the driving me crazy. He did well on his birthday, not well since. 91. Mostly blind. Absolutely refusing the come-in care to his semi-assisted living. We had my visiting sister do the intro, but it's no good. So when we have a week away between Xmas and New Years, I fear....
I went to visit the Dowager on Monday, but when I got there they had a dozen or so little ones from a local pre-school who had come to visit. It was lovely, and the Dowager (having been a primary-school teacher) was in her element.
She also had a wheeled walker, on which she is speedy but stable, and she was using it. I tied one of her scarves to it, as an identifier - some of them have decorations like hazmat tape on!
The only sad thing was that she couldn't remember who the photo was of (sorry about the syntax). I told her it was my father, her husband, and she said 'I hoped he was my husband'. Mind you, he's been dead 40 years and the photo was of him as a student....
Anyway, she was very appreciative of the care she was receiving, which was a joy.
@NOprophet_NØprofit - My mother is equally adverse to any help other than that given by family and friends. I'm afraid that both you and me are probably waiting for a crisis to happen when our Aging P will have to accept help. @The Intrepid Mrs S Good to hear good news of the Dowager and that she is using the walker. My MiL hasn't had any falls since she started using hers carefully - taking it outside was not a good idea.
Things with my mother are not good, but it is too depressing to talk about. I am taking her to a GP appointment next week so will see if he can suggest a way forward.
@NOprophet_NØprofit - My mother is equally adverse to any help other than that given by family and friends. I'm afraid that both you and me are probably waiting for a crisis to happen when our Aging P will have to accept help.
Can I make that three and we are close but neither my sister nor I like living on a knife edge all the time?
Comments
Anyway, later on we were watching 'Ambulance' on catch-up, when I got a call to say she'd had a fall *again*, because she'd stomped out of the lounge, where everyone* was watching Strictly, because she didn't like something about it. She hit her head and had to be taken off to A&E in an ambulance. , but apparently was back in her own bed last night, late. And no-one said she'd broken her finger, which was what was worrying her, so that's good. I'm off to see her tomorrow, but I just wonder how long this can go on.
* something about that made me wonder if it was attention-seeking; she usually loves Strictly...
Prayers for all, and their APs, and the various difficulties they find themselves in
Mrs. S, distracted
We spent Thursday looking at places with mum. The one she liked has now had another offer accepted on it, but there is a flat in the same place she didn't see that brother SiL and I think is probably better so we are hoping to get first dibs on that and haven't told her the other one has been taken. She was so muddled, cross and confused that we want to keep things simple. These flats have lots of support so hopefully can look after mum.
We need to get things sorted soon. Shortly after she returned on Friday the neighbours sent a video from their door cam of mum shouting through their letter-box and dumping stuff outside their door. Yesterday her electrics tripped and she couldn't work out how to put them back on so I had to call one of her friends out to sort it. Today she phoned early to say the milk was off and seemed convinced my brother was coming over to see her. I'm trying to get the mental health team to see her and an estate agent coming round to value her flat next week so things are moving.
@Tukai, enjoy your travels - you and your family did manage to say goodbye, which is surely the most important thing.
@Sarasa - can you send the video to the mental health team? And/or the GP? so that they realise that this is ongoing and not a great situation. It's good news that your mother liked one of the supported flats, and a sleight of hand to get her into the same complex sounds like the way to go. Sorry this continues to be such a grind.
@The Intrepid Mrs S good news that the Dowager wasn't worse hurt, but does suggest she's in the right place, albeit still attention seeking.
@Zappa - prayers that your mother is doing well after the surgery and she soon starts to annoy you with her independent ways again.
We were just hoping we were getting onto a plateau with my parents. Mum in steady decline and Dad in a place where he was if anything getting better.
JJ, your story reminds me of so many others, who wouldn't press their alarm button because they didn't want to be a nuisance, or thought there would be nobody there to answer it ...
Sarasa, I understand your reluctance to have your Mum medicated without seeing the consultant, but risperidone transformed the Dowager. She is much kinder and gentler now (albeit with two terrible black eyes and no memory at all of the fall). And it isn't fair of me to say she was attention-seeking - she suggests that sometimes she is suddenly frightened and has to go somewhere different, which - if true -may be worrying.
That being said, while she was still a free-range Dowager, I stopped telling her when we were going to see Miss S - so often she fell or had another emergency on those days that I knew subconsciously something changed - perhaps she was less careful because she was envious?
Anyway, blessings on all APs and on those who love and care for them.
Mrs. S, busy shredding every letter anyone has ever sent the Dowager, seemingly!
Mrs S - my worry is that loss of balance is a common side effect of risperidone, and living on her own without help and refusing pendant alarms etc could mean she doesn't get speedy help if she did have a fall. We haven't got a diagnosis of dementia, or anything else yet so I think she needs a thorough examination before anti-psychotic drugs are dished out.
I'm off to see mum in a bit, we have an estate agent coming round to do a valuation later this morning. My mum's ideas about moving change from minute to minute. Sometimes we are horrible because we won't 'stay by her side' all the time, then she wants to move to a house by the seaside and isn't bothered if it is further away from us. Latest thing is that where she lives is boring, my brothers town is boring, she wants to move to Central London and go to the theatre all the time. Its all very tricky to deal with.
Dad is adamant he wants to stay in the family home. We even know which sheltered housing we would like to move him into. He will not consider it. He is still pretty compos mentis.
Dad fell again this morning but managed to get up. This is not good.
Meanwhile my Aged Parent has come though her op well, at last
Estate agents visit went well, her valuation was higher than I thought it might be, and mum seemed OK with it all. Now just need to work out a strategy to keep her on side while we sell her place.
While there I found a report from the ambulance service for Friday night. She'd called 999 in a panic about the neighbours again, and they had come and checked her over. They'd tried calling my brother and I but we were both out, so that was the first I knew about it as mum had obvious either forgotten or didn't think it was worth mentioning.
@Sarasa - that's not good, I suspect the ambulance service will have put in a referral to social services too, especially if they couldn't get hold of you or your brother. If social services know about your mother, then they could have left knowing she was in the system. But it does sound as if she needs to be somewhere with more care available.
@Curiosity killed I am wondering whether the call from the Mental Health team on Monday was not in response to my phone call to them Friday afternoon, but to the paramedics visit in the evening. We now have a date for a consultant's appointment, which is good. Let's hope we can actually get mum there.
My mother, mercifully, couldn't understand people on the phone unless they spoke with an RP accent! Since that was rare among scammers, she survived many attempts to cheat her <spinning smiley>
In fact, I found it hard to get her to part with money! And she has plenty - maybe that's how she did it!
Mrs. S, who holds the purse strings now!
I dropped in on the after service coffee today and politely suggested that since they hadn’t made it to church in 3 weeks, an offer of home communion might be appropriate.
Honestly, if you want something done...
We haven't had any more psychotic episodes from mum but she is getting more and more confused. On Wednesday it was a confused story about buying a DVD she didn't want and a Toblerone from some charity(?) person in the street. I gave her a lecture about being careful about her money, not sure if that sunk in. Yesterday she got a taxi to a friend's so they could go to the theatre. Trouble is the theatre visit is tomorrow. Mum seemed very uncertain about why she got muddled, but I guess she might have thought yesterday was Saturday. She's just phoned me now and started by saying she was watching the people in Marks and Spencer and when she got back it was gone so she couldn't send the present. Managed to work out she wants to send a hamper to my ex-sister in law, something she does every year but can't find her address book. I pointed out it will be somewhere, and even if she can't find it my brother will know. She seemed very surprised that my brother would know where ex-partner and his daughter lived.
On a positive note we are getting viewings of her flat, and she hasn't started to want to back out of moving yet.
Wish I wasn’t miles away trying to cope with several other trying circumstances.
The ability of the very elderly to bounce back never ceases to amaze me. I suppose that's how they live to that age.
My brother has Parkinson's, but not as advanced as your Aunt sounds. This year when I visited he was better than last year. I think they have sorted the meds out.
There came a point late in my dad's life when he seemed to tire of seeing photographs: I recall a visit my sister and I made, and when she took out a photo album he waved it away, but he may have just been having a bad day.
Mum has been pretty cheerful and jolly the last couple of visits. We have a visit planned with the memory clinic for Monday that I haven't told her about yet. Need to talk to my brother about how to approach that. She needs to go as I know it won't be long before she gets into another paranoid phase but it seems a bit like rocking the boat to take her at the moment. We've also had a very cheeky offer for her flat. I'm glad there is some interest, but we've already priced it fairly low.
I went to visit the Dowager on Monday, but when I got there they had a dozen or so little ones from a local pre-school who had come to visit. It was lovely, and the Dowager (having been a primary-school teacher) was in her element.
She also had a wheeled walker, on which she is speedy but stable, and she was using it. I tied one of her scarves to it, as an identifier - some of them have decorations like hazmat tape on!
The only sad thing was that she couldn't remember who the photo was of (sorry about the syntax). I told her it was my father, her husband, and she said 'I hoped he was my husband'. Mind you, he's been dead 40 years and the photo was of him as a student....
Anyway, she was very appreciative of the care she was receiving, which was a joy.
Mrs. S, much relieved
@The Intrepid Mrs S Good to hear good news of the Dowager and that she is using the walker. My MiL hasn't had any falls since she started using hers carefully - taking it outside was not a good idea.
Things with my mother are not good, but it is too depressing to talk about. I am taking her to a GP appointment next week so will see if he can suggest a way forward.
Can I make that three and we are close but neither my sister nor I like living on a knife edge all the time?