Prayers ascending for all of you, and your APs. Your stories make me very grateful that neither Mum nor Dad put up anything but the slightest resistance* when it became obvious that they needed care.
Mrs. S - glad to hear you've found what seems to be just the right place for the Dowager.
* After she went into the geriatric ward, Mum asked a few times when she'd be going home (never), but gave up after a few weeks; when Dad was still able to be taken out for the afternoon, we had to be careful not to take him anywhere near his house, as he'd get distressed that he wasn't going home.
@NOprophet_NØprofit - My mother is equally adverse to any help other than that given by family and friends. I'm afraid that both you and me are probably waiting for a crisis to happen when our Aging P will have to accept help.
Can I make that three and we are close but neither my sister nor I like living on a knife edge all the time?
It is what it is, and nothing to be done. Freedom seems to include freedom to choose badly. I was feeling quite low today and didn't ferret out the reason until I read this. It's good to identify why. Thanks.
I'd forgotten the wait for something to precipitate moving into care. Dad had several disasters before being admitted for respite care - which turned into permanent care - thank heavens.
My brother and I took him back home for a visit as he needed farewell the house he had lived in for 60 years. When we had finished afternoon tea he said, "Time to get back now," and we left.
He did take off on his own once to visit the valley later so he could see the women on the Post Office and the Chemist - all of whom had been very supportive - they also came to his funeral.
My mother is averse to help full stop. She's struggling with shopping, and I'm keen to organise a monthly supermarket delivery of the heavy and bulky stuff; toilet rolls, washing powder, breakfast cereal etc, so that she could just focus on day-to-day food shopping. I'd do all the online ordering and pay, and she would send me a cheque.
Mum's main concern seems to be that we'd be out of pocket until I'd received and cashed her cheque. I'm not sure how precarious she thinks our finances are, but she seems to be fearing that the cost of a box of Persil non-bio might be the tipping point that plunges us into bankruptcy, house repossession etc.
I've managed to scandalise her. After an excellent lunch (home made chicken pie!) Mum stacked the dishwasher and started washing the pans in the sink, refusing all offers of help. I mentioned that I put my pans through the dishwasher. Mum said that the dishwasher was full. I said that in that case I would just leave the pans soaking in the sink and put them through with the next load. Mum paused from the scrubbing, looked at me baffled, and then I watched as realisation dawned on Mum that I'd just said that I leave dirty pans unwashed until.... well! The horror!!
I'm sure your mum's a lovely lady, NEQ, but I'm relieved there's no possibility of her visiting me - she'd be horrified! Especially as our dishwasher's temporarily buggered, and long periods of pre-wash soaking are the order of the day.
I burnt a pot cooking rice last night. It's soaking in baking soda and water for a few days. The only dishwasher is me so I am putting it out on the back step where I don't have to look at it. I hope none of the cats think it is a water bowl.
I'm clearing the decks to start preparing the Christmas cakes. O yay.
Huia, i have not done that burn for a long time, but remember I left a pot in which I had completely incinerated rhubarb when I forgot it was on stove. After useless attempts to clean it, I put it out on carport roof in sunshine for a couple of weeks. When i brought it in, I found it had been dried and could be lifted off in layers with a spatula or similar.
Boiling rhubarb is a tried and tested way to clean burnt food from the bottom of a saucepan. I imagine that once the crusted residue was removed you had a nice shiny pan.
My mother is averse to help full stop. She's struggling with shopping, and I'm keen to organise a monthly supermarket delivery of the heavy and bulky stuff; toilet rolls, washing powder, breakfast cereal etc, so that she could just focus on day-to-day food shopping. I'd do all the online ordering and pay, and she would send me a cheque.
Mum's main concern seems to be that we'd be out of pocket until I'd received and cashed her cheque. I'm not sure how precarious she thinks our finances are, but she seems to be fearing that the cost of a box of Persil non-bio might be the tipping point that plunges us into bankruptcy, house repossession etc.
I've managed to scandalise her. After an excellent lunch (home made chicken pie!) Mum stacked the dishwasher and started washing the pans in the sink, refusing all offers of help. I mentioned that I put my pans through the dishwasher. Mum said that the dishwasher was full. I said that in that case I would just leave the pans soaking in the sink and put them through with the next load. Mum paused from the scrubbing, looked at me baffled, and then I watched as realisation dawned on Mum that I'd just said that I leave dirty pans unwashed until.... well! The horror!!
It's against Mr. S's religion to leave dirty washing-up. If the dishwasher is full, he will wash-up by hand* rather than leave it till the cycle is done and we can reload. If I query this, he simply says, 'well, it needs to be done' or 'it won't do itself' and carries on. It's one of those things that it isn't worth arguing about, especially as he is prepared to do the work himself.
*even if it would be kinder to the utensil to leave it to soak!
The North East Man and I visited an "Eco Home" which was part of a larger exhibition. The kitchen was in the middle, with a wrap around living area. Thus the kitchen had no windows or external doors. The North East Man remarked to me that the design would make it tricky for me to dump smoking pans on the back door step.
(No idea who designed it- the idea was that heat would radiate out from the kitchen to heat the living areas, but how that would happen without cooking smells / smoke etc also radiating out wasn't made clear.)
Muss S very kindly gave up her day off yesterday to drive me and the Intrepid Grandson to see Great-grandma, aka the Dowager. (I have disqualified myself from driving at the moment as I'm not allowed to wear my lenses and my eyesight with glasses is really not good enough). As you can imagine, it was a great success with everyone.
Mum was okay, but a bit full of self-pity - we had the 'at my lowest ebb' schtick, but I've heard that one too often to be moved, however! She has gone downhill a lot in the last year, and I am left thinking that without the care she gets in the home, she wouldn't now be with us at all.
I checked her mail and so on, and found a lovely card from her middle grandson, containing a long and detailed letter. Whether anyone had read it to her or not, she had no recollection of it, so it came as a lovely surprise all over again <bittersweet>
As we were getting ready to leave, her next-door neighbour arrived to see her - he comes two or three times a week, bless him. I hope she understands how many people care for her, and doesn't focus on those who don't visit her- last time, she got very upset because Joy hadn't visited, and I had to tell her that Joy had been dead for three years, so a visit would not have been appropriate!
Do not worry last night Dad, who is the parent without dementia, and was worried about replying to a Christmas card from his uncle and aunt. The only thing being Dad is 89 and his Uncle and Aunt would be about 110.
Good that you had a good visit Mrs S. I hope you can start wearing your lenses again soon. It must be a pain not being able to drive.
My mother is getting more and more muddled and 'difficult'. I took her to the GP last week but we are at a total impasse as she refuses to go to the memory clinic and I don't want any drugs prescribed without someone coming in to check she's taking them correctly, and of course she is refusing the idea of help.
I think there will be many family conferences while walking the dog over Christmas at my brother's.
<votive> for all of us struggling to ensure our APs are properly cared for.
Master S and I braved what was forecast to be horrible traffic on the M5 yesterday to go and visit The Dowager. Pish - I don't know where they get these ideas from! If anything it was easier than usual.
We had a lovely visit, mainly because the Dowager was pretty compos mentis and thrilled to see her eldest grandchild. He was welcomed like a personal friend by the staff, as they all see his weekly postcards that he send so faithfully. The Dowager had loads of flowers, cards, chocolate Father Christmases - so clearly loads of visitors - but no idea who!
I was dreading - as we talked about Christmases gone by - that she would ask to come home with us, but I only had to explain once that we couldn't take her out, and she was fine.
Good luck, Sarasa, NP_NP, JJ, and all other long-suffering souls.
I am Dad sitting I need to watch the time as I need to do some sorting before I start telling him to get ready to go and help him. His carer has been in and made his bed. I have almost put away his clothes and the dishwasher is packed and just waiting for tonight's stuff. I think we will get there.
My mom so much wanted to help me with the dinner yesterday. She was always a fabulous cook and rarely had to look at her cookbook or recipes. Traditionally, she has been the gravy chef, but yesterday, she told me she doesn't remember how to make it, so I put the ingredients together for her, and she did the stirring. When she suggested it should maybe be a little thicker, I had reserved some of the cornstarch mixed in water, so poured that in the gravy pan. She didn't know what it was.
It's so sad seeing parts of my mom disappear like that. <tear>
Alright. Dad lost the use of his legs yesterday when I picked him up. He could not hold himself upright. The staff at Mum's home helped me get him into the car but he could not walk into the house so I had to call the ambulance crew out. Today he is tired but otherwise back to what he was. I told him if he did not have a shower today he would not be going to see Mum tomorrow; basically, his energy levels means he would cope with one or the other in a day but not both. He had a shower.
@Jengie Jon - that sounds alarming about your dad. @The Intrepid Mrs S glad you had a good time with the dowager
We are at my brothers with mum, who has bern in a grump all holiday. It's too cold even though the rest of us are in our thinest layers mum is wearing several thick jumpers. She doesn't like the way I make tea ete etc. She is very confused as to who we all are. She spent ages telling my son how she gave birth to him for instance.
We're all taking. it in turns to try and keep her amused and not really succeeding
Well he had a shower and is enjoying his share of the bottle of wine tonight. I just threatened that I would not take him to see Mum if he did not shower.
@Sarasa - one of my dear friends was unable to have children (endometriosis). Her mother appeared to take special delight in telling her about her birth, despite my friend's evident discomfort. She would even say 'I know you don't like me talking about this, but...' and lay it on thick. She never did this with either of my friend's siblings, both of whom had children.
Mothers, eh?
All the best, @Jengie Jon , with your travails too.
My mother was not backward in hinting about grandchildren (to all of us equally) but she was never that bad. She did stop when she was told that she already had one, and quality was better than quantity.
Mild vent. One of my aunts has been saying odd things over the last 18 months; her family are thinking it might be the start of dementia, though no diagnosis as yet. She is fine 95% of the time.
My mother is taking everything she says at face value and is phoning me up puzzled. She wants to give equal weight to odd things my aunt has said and perfectly reasonable things said by other family members.
My mother's family has a thing whereby we are supposed to pretend that, for example, X isn't an alcoholic. I suspect this is a variation on that, and Mum wants us to pretend that my aunt isn't in the early stages of dementia. But it's driving me teapot. I keep saying to Mum if something aunt has said doesn't make sense, then it's probably a sign of dementia and can be ignored. Just smile and nod, smile and nod.
Mum's family are weird enough without accepting stuff that is clearly not true. I am getting increasingly grumpy with Mum over this, and then I'm feeling grumpy with myself for being grumpy to Mum.
In fairness, the above isn't really an aging parents thing, it's a weird family dynamic thing. But I think I feel worse about being grumpy to Mum given her age.
I'm reminded of seeing the beginnings of dementia (in this case Alzheimer's): the lady concerned kept repeating herself, using exactly the same phrases, every 10 minutes or so, and clearly didn't realise she was doing it. After a few times, I sort of twigged what was happening, and just agreed with what she said as though it were the first time.
It did get a bit wearing after a while; her husband and son were both there and they were becoming quite frustrated with her, and saying "yes, we've already heard that several times", but having seen something similar in D's aunt several years before, I just let her go on, as there didn't seem any point in trying to stop her.
I was about to put this under Difficult Relatives in Hell, but maybe here is better:
I've had good advice here before, so here goes again: DR1 is female, very aged and increasingly frail. She walks, but slowly, gets out of breath and needs to sit down a lot. I think her life would be improved by a battery-powered pavement chariot. There are a lot of these about in her well-to-do commuter / retirement town. Money for one is not an issue.
DR2 (married to her) is a little younger, has a very damaged ego, and is probably embarrassed by DR1s incapacity. I risked a brief, private 'man-to-man' 'I wonder if DR1 would get a lot out of one of those battery chariots...' talk at Christmas; it didn't blow up, so that was a relief, but neither did it progress, or sound in any way promising. Any good ideas? This sits on decades of DR1 telling me not to antagonise DR2 and 'make life difficult for her', while giving me The Look. You get the idea.
Has the cause of her getting out of breath been investigated? As in, is this heart problems? Is it worth making sure that any problems there are checked out and anything that can be done there be sorted first, before investing in a mobility scooter of some shape or form?
I'd agree about working out what is the cause of her breathlessness fist, but I'm not sure if a powered chariot would help. My mother in law has had mobility problems ever since I've known her, so thirty-five years plus. Now aged ninety she is past the stage where a scooter would be useful, but even in her sixties and seventies I'd have worried about her using one. She's never learned to drive and her spatial awareness was never great. I could well imagine she would have caused chaos in her village if she'd had one. I once had a pupil nearly take the doors of the school library out with her powered wheelchair, and I think my MiL would have done similar. Do you think your difficult relative would manage one?
Well, I think she would - she doesn't drive but she used to cycle, and I can imagine her going along at the fair pace that DR2 likes to move at, instead of 30 paces behind and counting. Breathlessness - DR1 is late 80s, with other health issues. She does well, considering. I wonder how to sell it to DR2.
There is nothing my mother loves more than cooking a huge meal for her family.
Six weeks ago, my father said that he thought that hosting New Year would be "too much" for Mum this year, as it involves two blow-out meals in quick succession (dinner on the 31st, lunch on the 1st, with sausage rolls etc at midnight in between). I said that I would help, but nothing will induce Mum to accept help in the kitchen. So I suggested I would order a cooked ham from my butcher, so that all Mum would need to do was to slice it. Which would leave Mum with the potatoes, the assorted veg, the puddings, the home baking, etc etc to prepare. This was agreed and I ordered the ham in November.
On 28 Dec Mum phoned up and said she couldn't bear the thought of me providing a ham. She wanted me to cancel my order. There was no way I was going to annoy my butcher when he he is massively stressed with Christmas and New Year, so I said no, the ham was ordered, I was bringing it.
We collected the ham yesterday, on our way home from church. Two hours later Mum phoned up to say she had been to her butcher and had bought steak pies. At her age, she said, this might be her last New Year, and she didn't want it spoiled by me bringing a ham.
I am now stressed; my father expects me to bring the promised ham, my mother is upset about it. I feel that I am somehow in the wrong, but I can't see exactly why.
I can see your need to vent - I would have been so tempted to say that I would hate to spoil her New Year so my ham (which she knew about weeks ago) and I would stay away.
A tricky situation which I, as the ageing parent, had a taste of this year. Elder Son, DiL & three grandchildren, who live quite near, had invited us for Christmas lunch and the afternoon gift opening.
Younger Son, DiL and toddler grandson were coming to stay with us from Friday to Saturday.
Timings being a bit fluid on account of the toddler's nap requirements, I had been planning a buffet lunch on Saturday for all the family and had mentioned this to E S & DiL, but was a bit vague as to timings. It became clear on Christmas day that they were wanting YS & family to have a meal with them. I reminded them of the buffet lunch I had planned, and not knowing YS's arrival and departure times (they are a bit slapdash about keeping family informed about their plans) - so they suggested that they should host the lunch on Saturday.
This was eminently sensible, as they have a huge living room and connecting dining room, and the older children, two if whom are autistic, would be able to take themselves off to their own rooms when it all became a bit much. But I had fridge, freezer and cupboards all crammed with foodstuffs for the occasion, some of which needed final preparation, and none of which did I want left for just two of us to plough through. Also, as they had provided a huge feast on Christmas Day, it didn't seem right that they should cater for us all on Saturday.
So the compromise was that I should pack up all the non-perishables to be collected by Elder Son on Saturday morning, that presents, the camp cot (for toddler's nap) should follow a bit later, and that we would take the freshly finished baked items, and the chilled foods when we went.
No idea how ES & DiL felt about the final meal, I wasn't too happy with the warm food, which would have been best served straight from the oven not packed up and transported across town Not my best offering but, as I was/am still suffering with back pain following a bad fall in mid-December, I was past caring. No falling out, but no feeling of satisfaction from a job well done.
Trouble is, I am a feeder and was determined to fulfil that role, in spite of the fact that I found the food prep particularly difficult this year.
Better communication, and forward planning needed for next year, I think.
@North East Quine - I reckon Cathscats had the best solution - take the ham (or maybe even just part of it) and if you can, sneak it to your dad without your mum seeing; or is it possible your dad could talk some sense to your mum?
It occurs to me that with what you've said about her rather old-fashioned views, if he tells her to do something - or says "NEQ has gone to the trouble of getting a ham - accept it gracefully" she might do it.
NEQ, this seems to me to be All About Control. Your mother appears to find her own value only in the domestic side of things (women's work, forsooth) and so any loss of control in the kitchen is to be fiercely resisted, even to the extent of making everyone else's life a misery.
@North East Quine I was going to post more or less exactly what @The Intrepid Mrs S said. It is to do with control. Hope you managed to have a good New Year and got to eat some ham as well as steak pies etc etc.
The visit away seems to have thrown my mum for a loop. We dropped her off at 4.00 on Friday. She phoned at six, just after we'd got back to say she was going to bed as she thought it was late. Saturday my son fielded a couple of calls one of which was to ask if he knew a local hairdresser. Mum has lived in the same place for ten years and goes to the hairdressers on a regular basis. Son thought mum wasn't sure she was actually home. Sunday there was a phone call from mum's friend at nine in the morning. Mum has phoned her in confusion as she thought she was going away (she hadn't unpacked her suitcase from Christmas). Friend sorted that out but I had a call later in which mum was insisting she was going to spend a load of money on a security system to stop the neighbours getting in as they had come in the night and taken her glasses. By yesterday, when I visited she'd calmed down a lot, but still was muttering about the neighbours, they'd taken her sheets this time. I think I'm just waiting for the crisis that finally makes living independently untenable. At least she tells me she enjoyed Christmas, given her constant grumbling and several meltdowns while at my brothers you wouldn't have thought she had.
I thought that too, @The Intrepid Mrs S. It sounds as @North East Quine's mother is scared of losing her position as that is how she values herself. It is possible that she feels as if she can't cook or care for others, she's useless. If she went to buy pies, is that because she couldn't make her own? So that upset her, so she took it out on you?
I agree @Cathcats and we're hoping to move mum sometime soonish nearer my brothers. At the moment this depends on selling her flat and give the current climate that isn't easy. At the moment mum is convinced she is fine, and is agreeing to the move only because she hasn't twigged that where she will move to is extra care housing. I think a crisis will probably change the plans before it happens, but I don't like waiting on the sidelines for it to happen.
But having an Aged Father in much the same boat although not showing signs of psychosis (but falling fairly frequently and getting into scrapes because he does not take and then overdoses on his medication) I am well aware of how far you can go. You can take a horse to water but you cannot make it drink.
Prayers ascending, esp. for @Sarasa and for @Jengie Jon. I think we all wait for that one trigger - a fall, a break, pneumonia - that just precipitates a crisis.
My brother and SiL went to visit the Dowager on the 27th - I think he was shocked that after about 20 minutes she wasn't really able to concentrate on a conversation. She knew their names, but not necessarily who they were, IYSWIM. My other SiL and nephew went on the 28th but I've had no visit report from them yet!
Sarasa, what a difficult time you are having. It just goes on and on, doesn't it? You must be exhausted.
I might have been stressed, but I was very well fed. Dinner last night was a starter of smoked salmon, avocado and feta, followed by The Ham, accompanied by roast potatoes, mashed potatoes, roast parsnips, glazed carrots, and cauliflower in cheese sauce, then my mother's amazing pavlova. No-one makes pavlova like my mother. Then there were nibbles and sausage rolls at midnight. Lunch today was steak pie, roast potatoes, boiled potatoes, carrots and brussels sprouts, followed by either more pavlova or profiteroles. Mum did all the washing up single handedly too, (she has a dishwasher, but she had to handwash the serving plates etc to ensure that her kitchen was spotless by midnight).
The North East Loon reckons that when Mum agreed to me supplying the ham, back in November, it was just a rhetorical device to get Dad to stop worrying about her Doing Too Much. Then, when I told her I'd ordered it, it was still just a rhetorical-device-ham in her mind, and it hadn't occurred to her that I'd be showing up with an actual 5lb ham, until a couple of days ago. Hence the sudden flurry of distress and attempts to ward off The Ham.
I have found £30 tucked into my bag in payment for The Ham.
The Intrepid Mrs S - Your mother appears to find her own value only in the domestic side of things (women's work, forsooth) and so any loss of control in the kitchen is to be fiercely resisted, even to the extent of making everyone else's life a misery.
That's pretty much it. Everything is ok at the moment, but she is in her mid 80s. My father has had a learned helplessness imposed on him, so if she was in any way incapacitated, we would be plunged straight into crisis. I can't do anything which meets her high standards, and Dad can't do anything full stop. Dad doesn't even seem to know what pills he takes; the administration of medicine is woman's work, apparently.
Everything is ok at the moment, but she is in her mid 80s. My father has had a learned helplessness imposed on him, so if she was in any way incapacitated, we would be plunged straight into crisis. I can't do anything which meets her high standards, and Dad can't do anything full stop. Dad doesn't even seem to know what pills he takes; the administration of medicine is woman's work, apparently.
This is scary - it is very much the direction in which we are heading.
I would rather not be in charge of all the domestic chores, most of the bills and keeping an eye on Mr RoS's medication, but he's been waited on all his life, and I can't figure out how to let go and not be permanently rowing with him.
I have managed to hand the washing up over to him, but I'm not prepared to eat off the greasy plates he thinks are clean. When I find dirty stuff in the cupboards I just put it back on the counter to be re-washed. Sometimes it takes three goes to get it clean.
Well today I've booked a river cruise from mum, sister-in-law and me. I have grave doubts about the wisdom of this, but mum hasn't stopped talking about wanting to go on this cruise ever since I refused to go with her last summer. It still might not happen. They only way SiL and I will go is if mum pays for us, we certainly don't want to fork out our own money for a holiday we haven't chosen and haven't got the spare cash for. There is no way the company would allow mum to travel unaccompanied so if she is that keen on the holiday she is going to have to cough up the extra money.
Dad, the 90-year old I mentioned as having all his facilities back in April on his birthday, has over a 4 month period late in '18 lost many of them. We have persuaded him to go into a home, which he agreed to and moved into it today (Saturday).
MiL: Got a call from her home last Monday saying she was very ill and on DNR. She was looking poorly when we saw her 2 days previously. She is hanging on and will open her eyes a little, turn up the corners of her mouth into a bit of a smile when she recognises people who are visiting.
Sorry to hear your MiL is so poorly @Balaam. Well done on persuading your father to go into a home. I can't see how my mother would ever willingly do that as she is convinced there is nothing wrong with her, even though like your father she has declined a lot this last year.
The cruise is on the Danube @Piglet. I don't think I'd go on a cruise by choice, but this does sound nice. Mum is still insistent that we pay, money seems to be a new obsession, and thinks if we don't go she'll be fine on her own. We're fudging that issue at the moment SiL has taken over the liaising with the travel company. Booking hotels etc is part of her job and she has good skills at getting good deals. Also she can hear, using phones is a nightmare for me. Mum still doesn't understand that she couldn't cope on her own, and even with us there I think she'll struggle, but brother liked the idea of making her happy by doing what she wants. I'm insisting we get very good insurance as I can see that the whole thing might not happen if mum keeps declining at her current rate, and even if it does she might want to leave after a day as she isn't happy.
Comments
Mrs. S - glad to hear you've found what seems to be just the right place for the Dowager.
* After she went into the geriatric ward, Mum asked a few times when she'd be going home (never), but gave up after a few weeks; when Dad was still able to be taken out for the afternoon, we had to be careful not to take him anywhere near his house, as he'd get distressed that he wasn't going home.
It is what it is, and nothing to be done. Freedom seems to include freedom to choose badly. I was feeling quite low today and didn't ferret out the reason until I read this. It's good to identify why. Thanks.
My brother and I took him back home for a visit as he needed farewell the house he had lived in for 60 years. When we had finished afternoon tea he said, "Time to get back now," and we left.
He did take off on his own once to visit the valley later so he could see the women on the Post Office and the Chemist - all of whom had been very supportive - they also came to his funeral.
Mum's main concern seems to be that we'd be out of pocket until I'd received and cashed her cheque. I'm not sure how precarious she thinks our finances are, but she seems to be fearing that the cost of a box of Persil non-bio might be the tipping point that plunges us into bankruptcy, house repossession etc.
I've managed to scandalise her. After an excellent lunch (home made chicken pie!) Mum stacked the dishwasher and started washing the pans in the sink, refusing all offers of help. I mentioned that I put my pans through the dishwasher. Mum said that the dishwasher was full. I said that in that case I would just leave the pans soaking in the sink and put them through with the next load. Mum paused from the scrubbing, looked at me baffled, and then I watched as realisation dawned on Mum that I'd just said that I leave dirty pans unwashed until.... well! The horror!!
I'm clearing the decks to start preparing the Christmas cakes. O yay.
It's against Mr. S's religion to leave dirty washing-up. If the dishwasher is full, he will wash-up by hand* rather than leave it till the cycle is done and we can reload. If I query this, he simply says, 'well, it needs to be done' or 'it won't do itself' and carries on. It's one of those things that it isn't worth arguing about, especially as he is prepared to do the work himself.
*even if it would be kinder to the utensil to leave it to soak!
Mrs. S, remaining puzzled
(No idea who designed it- the idea was that heat would radiate out from the kitchen to heat the living areas, but how that would happen without cooking smells / smoke etc also radiating out wasn't made clear.)
Mum was okay, but a bit full of self-pity - we had the 'at my lowest ebb' schtick, but I've heard that one too often to be moved, however! She has gone downhill a lot in the last year, and I am left thinking that without the care she gets in the home, she wouldn't now be with us at all.
I checked her mail and so on, and found a lovely card from her middle grandson, containing a long and detailed letter. Whether anyone had read it to her or not, she had no recollection of it, so it came as a lovely surprise all over again <bittersweet>
As we were getting ready to leave, her next-door neighbour arrived to see her - he comes two or three times a week, bless him. I hope she understands how many people care for her, and doesn't focus on those who don't visit her- last time, she got very upset because Joy hadn't visited, and I had to tell her that Joy had been dead for three years, so a visit would not have been appropriate!
Mrs. S, bringer of jollity
My mother is getting more and more muddled and 'difficult'. I took her to the GP last week but we are at a total impasse as she refuses to go to the memory clinic and I don't want any drugs prescribed without someone coming in to check she's taking them correctly, and of course she is refusing the idea of help.
I think there will be many family conferences while walking the dog over Christmas at my brother's.
Master S and I braved what was forecast to be horrible traffic on the M5 yesterday to go and visit The Dowager. Pish - I don't know where they get these ideas from! If anything it was easier than usual.
We had a lovely visit, mainly because the Dowager was pretty compos mentis and thrilled to see her eldest grandchild. He was welcomed like a personal friend by the staff, as they all see his weekly postcards that he send so faithfully. The Dowager had loads of flowers, cards, chocolate Father Christmases - so clearly loads of visitors - but no idea who!
I was dreading - as we talked about Christmases gone by - that she would ask to come home with us, but I only had to explain once that we couldn't take her out, and she was fine.
Good luck, Sarasa, NP_NP, JJ, and all other long-suffering souls.
It's so sad seeing parts of my mom disappear like that. <tear>
We are at my brothers with mum, who has bern in a grump all holiday. It's too cold even though the rest of us are in our thinest layers mum is wearing several thick jumpers. She doesn't like the way I make tea ete etc. She is very confused as to who we all are. She spent ages telling my son how she gave birth to him for instance.
We're all taking. it in turns to try and keep her amused and not really succeeding
Mothers, eh?
All the best, @Jengie Jon , with your travails too.
My mother was not backward in hinting about grandchildren (to all of us equally) but she was never that bad. She did stop when she was told that she already had one, and quality was better than quantity.
He's now 26 and a delightful young man.
My mother is taking everything she says at face value and is phoning me up puzzled. She wants to give equal weight to odd things my aunt has said and perfectly reasonable things said by other family members.
My mother's family has a thing whereby we are supposed to pretend that, for example, X isn't an alcoholic. I suspect this is a variation on that, and Mum wants us to pretend that my aunt isn't in the early stages of dementia. But it's driving me teapot. I keep saying to Mum if something aunt has said doesn't make sense, then it's probably a sign of dementia and can be ignored. Just smile and nod, smile and nod.
Mum's family are weird enough without accepting stuff that is clearly not true. I am getting increasingly grumpy with Mum over this, and then I'm feeling grumpy with myself for being grumpy to Mum.
I'm reminded of seeing the beginnings of dementia (in this case Alzheimer's): the lady concerned kept repeating herself, using exactly the same phrases, every 10 minutes or so, and clearly didn't realise she was doing it. After a few times, I sort of twigged what was happening, and just agreed with what she said as though it were the first time.
It did get a bit wearing after a while; her husband and son were both there and they were becoming quite frustrated with her, and saying "yes, we've already heard that several times", but having seen something similar in D's aunt several years before, I just let her go on, as there didn't seem any point in trying to stop her.
As you say, just smile and agree.
I've had good advice here before, so here goes again: DR1 is female, very aged and increasingly frail. She walks, but slowly, gets out of breath and needs to sit down a lot. I think her life would be improved by a battery-powered pavement chariot. There are a lot of these about in her well-to-do commuter / retirement town. Money for one is not an issue.
DR2 (married to her) is a little younger, has a very damaged ego, and is probably embarrassed by DR1s incapacity. I risked a brief, private 'man-to-man' 'I wonder if DR1 would get a lot out of one of those battery chariots...' talk at Christmas; it didn't blow up, so that was a relief, but neither did it progress, or sound in any way promising. Any good ideas? This sits on decades of DR1 telling me not to antagonise DR2 and 'make life difficult for her', while giving me The Look. You get the idea.
Mrs. S, who gets breathless herself on a slope!
There is nothing my mother loves more than cooking a huge meal for her family.
Six weeks ago, my father said that he thought that hosting New Year would be "too much" for Mum this year, as it involves two blow-out meals in quick succession (dinner on the 31st, lunch on the 1st, with sausage rolls etc at midnight in between). I said that I would help, but nothing will induce Mum to accept help in the kitchen. So I suggested I would order a cooked ham from my butcher, so that all Mum would need to do was to slice it. Which would leave Mum with the potatoes, the assorted veg, the puddings, the home baking, etc etc to prepare. This was agreed and I ordered the ham in November.
On 28 Dec Mum phoned up and said she couldn't bear the thought of me providing a ham. She wanted me to cancel my order. There was no way I was going to annoy my butcher when he he is massively stressed with Christmas and New Year, so I said no, the ham was ordered, I was bringing it.
We collected the ham yesterday, on our way home from church. Two hours later Mum phoned up to say she had been to her butcher and had bought steak pies. At her age, she said, this might be her last New Year, and she didn't want it spoiled by me bringing a ham.
I am now stressed; my father expects me to bring the promised ham, my mother is upset about it. I feel that I am somehow in the wrong, but I can't see exactly why.
Just wanted to vent.
I cannot fathom the mind that thinks a ham could do anything but enhance a New Year, even with steak pies.
A tricky situation which I, as the ageing parent, had a taste of this year. Elder Son, DiL & three grandchildren, who live quite near, had invited us for Christmas lunch and the afternoon gift opening.
Younger Son, DiL and toddler grandson were coming to stay with us from Friday to Saturday.
Timings being a bit fluid on account of the toddler's nap requirements, I had been planning a buffet lunch on Saturday for all the family and had mentioned this to E S & DiL, but was a bit vague as to timings. It became clear on Christmas day that they were wanting YS & family to have a meal with them. I reminded them of the buffet lunch I had planned, and not knowing YS's arrival and departure times (they are a bit slapdash about keeping family informed about their plans) - so they suggested that they should host the lunch on Saturday.
This was eminently sensible, as they have a huge living room and connecting dining room, and the older children, two if whom are autistic, would be able to take themselves off to their own rooms when it all became a bit much. But I had fridge, freezer and cupboards all crammed with foodstuffs for the occasion, some of which needed final preparation, and none of which did I want left for just two of us to plough through. Also, as they had provided a huge feast on Christmas Day, it didn't seem right that they should cater for us all on Saturday.
So the compromise was that I should pack up all the non-perishables to be collected by Elder Son on Saturday morning, that presents, the camp cot (for toddler's nap) should follow a bit later, and that we would take the freshly finished baked items, and the chilled foods when we went.
No idea how ES & DiL felt about the final meal, I wasn't too happy with the warm food, which would have been best served straight from the oven not packed up and transported across town Not my best offering but, as I was/am still suffering with back pain following a bad fall in mid-December, I was past caring. No falling out, but no feeling of satisfaction from a job well done.
Trouble is, I am a feeder and was determined to fulfil that role, in spite of the fact that I found the food prep particularly difficult this year.
Better communication, and forward planning needed for next year, I think.
It occurs to me that with what you've said about her rather old-fashioned views, if he tells her to do something - or says "NEQ has gone to the trouble of getting a ham - accept it gracefully" she might do it.
No real answers, I'm afraid, but FWIW.
The Sympathetic Mrs. S
The visit away seems to have thrown my mum for a loop. We dropped her off at 4.00 on Friday. She phoned at six, just after we'd got back to say she was going to bed as she thought it was late. Saturday my son fielded a couple of calls one of which was to ask if he knew a local hairdresser. Mum has lived in the same place for ten years and goes to the hairdressers on a regular basis. Son thought mum wasn't sure she was actually home. Sunday there was a phone call from mum's friend at nine in the morning. Mum has phoned her in confusion as she thought she was going away (she hadn't unpacked her suitcase from Christmas). Friend sorted that out but I had a call later in which mum was insisting she was going to spend a load of money on a security system to stop the neighbours getting in as they had come in the night and taken her glasses. By yesterday, when I visited she'd calmed down a lot, but still was muttering about the neighbours, they'd taken her sheets this time. I think I'm just waiting for the crisis that finally makes living independently untenable. At least she tells me she enjoyed Christmas, given her constant grumbling and several meltdowns while at my brothers you wouldn't have thought she had.
But having an Aged Father in much the same boat although not showing signs of psychosis (but falling fairly frequently and getting into scrapes because he does not take and then overdoses on his medication) I am well aware of how far you can go. You can take a horse to water but you cannot make it drink.
Prayers ascending, esp. for @Sarasa and for @Jengie Jon. I think we all wait for that one trigger - a fall, a break, pneumonia - that just precipitates a crisis.
My brother and SiL went to visit the Dowager on the 27th - I think he was shocked that after about 20 minutes she wasn't really able to concentrate on a conversation. She knew their names, but not necessarily who they were, IYSWIM. My other SiL and nephew went on the 28th but I've had no visit report from them yet!
Heaven help us all...
I might have been stressed, but I was very well fed. Dinner last night was a starter of smoked salmon, avocado and feta, followed by The Ham, accompanied by roast potatoes, mashed potatoes, roast parsnips, glazed carrots, and cauliflower in cheese sauce, then my mother's amazing pavlova. No-one makes pavlova like my mother. Then there were nibbles and sausage rolls at midnight. Lunch today was steak pie, roast potatoes, boiled potatoes, carrots and brussels sprouts, followed by either more pavlova or profiteroles. Mum did all the washing up single handedly too, (she has a dishwasher, but she had to handwash the serving plates etc to ensure that her kitchen was spotless by midnight).
The North East Loon reckons that when Mum agreed to me supplying the ham, back in November, it was just a rhetorical device to get Dad to stop worrying about her Doing Too Much. Then, when I told her I'd ordered it, it was still just a rhetorical-device-ham in her mind, and it hadn't occurred to her that I'd be showing up with an actual 5lb ham, until a couple of days ago. Hence the sudden flurry of distress and attempts to ward off The Ham.
I have found £30 tucked into my bag in payment for The Ham.
The Intrepid Mrs S - Your mother appears to find her own value only in the domestic side of things (women's work, forsooth) and so any loss of control in the kitchen is to be fiercely resisted, even to the extent of making everyone else's life a misery.
That's pretty much it. Everything is ok at the moment, but she is in her mid 80s. My father has had a learned helplessness imposed on him, so if she was in any way incapacitated, we would be plunged straight into crisis. I can't do anything which meets her high standards, and Dad can't do anything full stop. Dad doesn't even seem to know what pills he takes; the administration of medicine is woman's work, apparently.
This is scary - it is very much the direction in which we are heading.
I would rather not be in charge of all the domestic chores, most of the bills and keeping an eye on Mr RoS's medication, but he's been waited on all his life, and I can't figure out how to let go and not be permanently rowing with him.
I have managed to hand the washing up over to him, but I'm not prepared to eat off the greasy plates he thinks are clean. When I find dirty stuff in the cupboards I just put it back on the counter to be re-washed. Sometimes it takes three goes to get it clean.
MiL: Got a call from her home last Monday saying she was very ill and on DNR. She was looking poorly when we saw her 2 days previously. She is hanging on and will open her eyes a little, turn up the corners of her mouth into a bit of a smile when she recognises people who are visiting.
The cruise is on the Danube @Piglet. I don't think I'd go on a cruise by choice, but this does sound nice. Mum is still insistent that we pay, money seems to be a new obsession, and thinks if we don't go she'll be fine on her own. We're fudging that issue at the moment SiL has taken over the liaising with the travel company. Booking hotels etc is part of her job and she has good skills at getting good deals. Also she can hear, using phones is a nightmare for me. Mum still doesn't understand that she couldn't cope on her own, and even with us there I think she'll struggle, but brother liked the idea of making her happy by doing what she wants. I'm insisting we get very good insurance as I can see that the whole thing might not happen if mum keeps declining at her current rate, and even if it does she might want to leave after a day as she isn't happy.