People who judge what other's are eating.
Graven Image
Shipmate
in Hell
I have a medical condition that restricts what I can eat. Most things in restaurants and potlucks are off limits for me. I enjoy the company and social aspect of meals, so I occasionally enjoy going out to eat. I will order just a salad, or take tiny portions at a potluck, or being a dish to share that I can eat and only take that. It seems someone aways says things like, "Is that all you are going to eat? Are you on a diet? Don't you eat meat? I do not care to expain my medical history, so I just say I have eaten and just came for the company. When I say that sometimes people will say, "If you knew you were going to be eating here why did you already eat?" I wish I had some better answer, but what I really wish is people would not question my food choices.
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I also think “why are you concerned about what I’m eating?” or “why are you paying attention to my plate?” are reasonable, as is “that’s really no one’s business but mine.” Frankly, I might be tempted to say “that’s actually a pretty rude question.” (And then change the subject.) I can understand, though, if someone doesn’t want to respond that pointedly.
But someone else’s rude question or comment doesn’t require any response, much less a polite response, from you.
I have also noticed an increase in mocktails on offer. A welcome sign. I had one that was watermelon juice and mint not too long ago, very nice.
Yes, mocktails are really taking off, I’ve noticed!
In the same vein, they may be hoping to find something you can eat despite your hypothetical diet/veganism/gluten intolerance by way of being hospitable.
When I invite people over I generally ask people if there is any thing they don’t eat (regardless of reason) - some people don’t eat xyz but don’t tell you because they don’t anticipate you’ll serve it or “didn’t want to be any trouble”. This is actually more of an issue that someone giving you a list of 16 things they don’t eat - cos with a list you can just google a recipe.
Also, looking back, I wouldn't eat much when I was out with others, because I would feel anxious and this took away my appetite. People would often comment on how little I was eating and try to get me to eat more. When I developed in confidence, I would then eat a lot, and people would comment on how much I ate!
I do think part of it is an ingrained societal attention on women's bodies. You're scrutinised and criticised as being too thin or too fat, eating not enough or too much.
My dad, on the other hand, eats one meal a day in the evening, he explains this when out with people for lunch, and people are fine with it. There is never any pushing or criticism.
I will admit I come at this from the perspective of having a close family member with an eating disorder. (In recovery for around 4 years now.) For people with eating disorders, comments on what they are or aren’t eating, however well-intentioned, can be very problematic.
While I know it’s metaphorical, I find the Orthodox saying helpful: “Keep your eyes on your own plate.” You never know how your well-intentioned inquiry might pick at someone else’s scabs.
Good One.
It's just self-congratulatory preening.
None of their sodding business.
This resonated with me in quite a complicated way, @Nick Tamen . When I was growing up, us children were expected to finish what was on our plates at family meals. I was fairly compliant, feeling I had no choice in the matter. A sibling would sit and play with her food, move vegetables or rice around on her plate, hide peas under her knife, pretend to have eaten when she had not touched her meal at all. She was often criticised as a picky eater or spoilt, compared to me, the Good Daughter, who ate whatever was in front of me. I couldn't understand what my sibling was doing or her intense anxiety at mealtimes, developed a habit of trying to spot patterns (she hated yellow vegetables) and in later life would catch myself watching people who ate very little. Not to cause them embarrassment but because I was continuing a childhood habit of wanting to help a sibling, trying to understand what was going on inside her distress and avoidance.
My sibling has been diagnosed with a rare phobia or eating disorder called ARFID, Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder, characterised by an irrational and overwhelming fear of swallowing mouthfuls of food, fear of certain colours, textures, shapes, smells, sizes, tastes in food, fear of stomach pain or poisoning. Her phobia has nothing to do with body weight or controlling the amount of food eaten. She has struggled to eat enough to keep herself alive for most of her adult life. ARFID often manifests in childhood but is as recalcitrant to treatment as are several other so-called eating disorders.
Over the years I have come to understand my (intrusive and inappropriate) preoccupation with others not eating at meals goes back to our family conflicts at mealtimes. I now don't pay any attention to what others eat and have to focus hard to work out what I want to eat as opposed to just eating what others order or what is placed in front of me. Sometimes nosiness or excessive concern is just rudeness but sometimes it comes from a misplaced and unresolved old trauma. For the person on the receiving end, though, it is unwarranted rudeness.
Can we ask what it was that you'd pass, and where?
A very interesting one, though. Thank you.
You're really not familiar with the locution 'Pass' meaning no, or not at the moment? How do you manage to play Bridge?
If I am hosting you, I feel responsible for providing adequately for you. If the food is not to your taste, or if you have dietary restrictions that I didn't know about, I want to know, so I can make other arrangements for you.
And if you work for or with me, and aren't eating at a communal potluck because there's nothing there that you can eat, that's a problem. I want to know, so I can fix it for next time, even if there's not much I can do about it now.
But that’s not the scenario in the OP. The scenario in the OP is random dining companions making comments about what is or isn’t on your plate. And as far as I’m concerned, that’s almost always rude.
If your concern is that of a host or employer, there are ways to inquire appropriately. And “appropriately” is almost always going to mean not in front of other people, not during the meal (unless perhaps as a host you’re inquiring whether something could be provided, but again, not in front of others or in a way that draws attention) and in a way that’s completely free of judgment and conveys that the question is motivated only by a desire to be hospitable.
And as @Lamb Chopped says, accept the answer given.
@MaryLouise, thank you for sharing your story.
Well! I finally found out why I was vomiting all the time and could barely eat more than two bites of any kind of food…non-alcoholic liver cirrhosis. Lovely, innit?
Sorry! I’ve been binge-watching all these television shows that take place in England and certain phrases just make me laugh. “Innit” being one of them. However! I digress.
I lost about 100 pounds in seven months. My face is skeletal. But my stomach is still very big…when my abdomen fills with fluid and I have to go to Outpatient Care and have it drained.
Strangers seem perfectly happy to comment on my face and belly. Or to say incredibly rude things such as, “Oh, I’m being prescribed Ozempic for my weight problem! Have you tried it?” I usually just stare at them and say, “Uh, no, no I haven’t. I lost most of my weight because I was so sick I couldn’t eat a stupid piece of toast without throwing up. But thanks for making me aware of YOUR weight struggles!” And then I also get crap from acquaintances in my building who are not entirely burdened with tact. “Why aren’t you eating any of those hamburgers? We’re having a cookout! You don’t eat any sweets anymore? You used to go crazy for cake and cookies!” Sigh. Cake? Not really. I haven’t liked cake for about fifteen years now. Cookies? No point. Candy? I was addicted to sugar but that was “cured” by my liver/gut problems. I honestly don’t even think about getting a sugary treat every day as I used to. I DID have a huckleberry banana split on June 18 (my birthday) and thoroughly enjoyed it. But I didn’t want anything else sweet for about six days after that. So, hooray!
I’ll shut my yap after I crow about my new A1C. It is now 4.7 and I’m not taking insulin anymore and my oral diabetes med has been reduced from 1000mg/daily to just 500mg. So, that’s the really good news.
My belly is looking like I swallowed a small basketball, so I will probably have my abdomen drained next week. Isn’t life fun??!
She asked, sarcastically.
The number of people who tried to get me having biscuits and cakes, because they were having one, surprised me. "One won't hurt, you can be too skinny you know."
I always answered the same - " Yes, but my knees are saying thank you thank you, thank you".
That shuts them up, they usually reply with something like 'ah, OK' and change the subject.
And/or get rid of the title possessive apostrophe!