My partner has been diagnosed with kidney cancer, probably stage 3, though we'll only know for sure when they've run the pathology report on the nearby lymph nodes after the surgery that isn't scheduled yet but will probably take place in August to remove that kidney. But not stage 4, because it hasn't metastasized to his lungs. I am appalled and furious that because the medical system is so stupid here he learned first that he has cancer and a few weeks later that it is probably stage 3 by reading the radiology reports himself. But we met with the surgeon a few days ago, we both felt good about that meeting, and things are finally moving along.
And my sister-in-law has been diagnosed with breast cancer. Not a lot of details there yet, as she just had the biopsy (on the same day her mother died).
@Ruth I pray that both your partner and your sister-in-law get the care they need and, as @Nick Tamen said, may it happen with much less stress going forward.
I am very sorry to read this Ruth. I don't know how the "system" works where you are but my work colleague had her biopsies a few years ago just before Christmas and had to wait until January for her results because everything shuts down. I was both dismayed for her and disgusted that people could be left hanging for that long. It's just wrong on so many levels.
I do hope things will be moving in a positive direction now for your partner and your sister-in-law.
I would welcome a bit of advice and hope it is ok to put it here. I have a friend with some worrying symptoms and who is currently undergoing tests "to eliminate things".
If it does turn out to be cancer, I would be glad to know what is helpful to say and what not to say. My brother kept his cancer diagnosis from the family for a very long time, partly because "it's such a burden for people" and partly because people don't know what to say and it's emotionally draining for the person themselves because you have to deal with the other person's emotional reaction as well as your own. He felt that, "Oh, I'm so sorry" was superfluous ("Of course you are. I know."). So what does one say?
'What can I do to help?'
'Feel free to talk'
'Let me get you a drink'
There's the dismay, then the uncertainty- how is this going to affect my life, work, plans? If they do get a diagnosis, it should come with some indication of the treatment plan, whether surgery or chemo or both. So discuss the practicalities - how to get to the hospital, what about food shopping? Cooking?
My partner has appreciated expressions of concern, so don't take it as a given that no one wants this. So far what hasn't been helpful is people asking a lot of questions that we don't have the answers to.
Echoing @Graven Image 's advice. It's difficult all around, I think people have questions around treatment etc even before patients are familiar with the language and have a vocabulary of treatment, because they don't know what else to ask and want to show support.
We found it useful to make one person a designated point of contact for a couple of weeks and also to maintain a blog (there are several sites). As well as being a handy record of treatment, it reduced the number of questions as people knew they could sign up for an update and not have to bother us directly.
It might be easier to ask about specific things that you are willing do, because the patient doesn't always know what is reasonable to ask. Things like, "Can I do grocery (or other) shopping for you?" are good, and if you know they have to travel regularly for chemo and such, say you will drive, and ask when you are needed - coordinate with their other friends if possible. Showing up unasked with a prepared (or frozen) meal can be a major blessing. When a friend showed up with a basket of interesting beers, she said, "I know you probably can't use this right now, but you soon will!" A truly caring person. Above all, be reliable - the patient might be exhausted or depressed and not able to come up with back-up plans.
The mother of a dear friend of mine, who is also a friend herself, has just been found to have a 20cm mass near her uterus and is being sent to oncology.
The mother of a dear friend of mine, who is also a friend herself, has just been found to have a 20cm mass near her uterus and is being sent to oncology.
My partner has been diagnosed with kidney cancer, probably stage 3, though we'll only know for sure when they've run the pathology report on the nearby lymph nodes after the surgery that isn't scheduled yet but will probably take place in August to remove that kidney.
His surgery is Thursday. Because it helps me to be irritated about something, I'm irked that they won't tell us in advance what the post-op instructions are. Dr. Google says he'll be on a liquid diet but I can't figure out for how long or if it will be a full liquid diet or a clear liquid diet. I'd like to shop in advance.
And my sister-in-law has been diagnosed with breast cancer.
Her surgery is Monday, and the good news is that when she met with the oncologist she was told that the type she has is extremely treatable and they caught it early.
Thoughts and irritable fist shaking at the skies for @NicoleMR's friend, @Firenze's brother, and all here contending with this fucking thing in any capacity.
May they both have the best possible outcomes from the surgeries, @Ruth. And how frustrating about the post-op instructions. (If I were about 2000 miles closer, I'd offer to make a grocery run for you.)
Well Jamie's with his dad Iain. He spent his last day in the garden with family and friends, singing, joking to the end. That was a couple of weeks ago now. Sorry for not coming back till now.
Ruth. Firenze. NicoleMR. Saying your names, just from this page, alone, outloud is prayer.
I hope everything goes well for both of them, Ruth.
I lost a brother in law to prostate cancer a month ago, aged 67 (this was the second of my ‘siblings’ to die in a year, with my sister in law having a sudden heart attack last year aged 50). His funeral was a very personal, and non-Christian, one and a lovely memorial to his life as a nature lover and animal rights campaigner, including badger rescuing and hunt sabotage. Such a sad loss of someone who was a force for good, and who had been part of my life since I was a small child.
Well Jamie's with his dad Iain. He spent his last day in the garden with family and friends, singing, joking to the end. That was a couple of weeks ago now. Sorry for not coming back till now.
Ruth. Firenze. NicoleMR. Saying your names, just from this page, alone, outloud is prayer.
My partner has been diagnosed with kidney cancer, probably stage 3, though we'll only know for sure when they've run the pathology report on the nearby lymph nodes after the surgery that isn't scheduled yet but will probably take place in August to remove that kidney.
His surgery is Thursday. Because it helps me to be irritated about something, I'm irked that they won't tell us in advance what the post-op instructions are. Dr. Google says he'll be on a liquid diet but I can't figure out for how long or if it will be a full liquid diet or a clear liquid diet. I'd like to shop in advance.
And my sister-in-law has been diagnosed with breast cancer.
Her surgery is Monday, and the good news is that when she met with the oncologist she was told that the type she has is extremely treatable and they caught it early.
Thoughts and irritable fist shaking at the skies for @NicoleMR's friend, @Firenze's brother, and all here contending with this fucking thing in any capacity.
On top of what I posted above (and on the prayer thread about my friend which I won't recap here) I just learned that one of my old college friends, L, has pancreatic cancer and maybe 4 - 5 years to live.
The daughter of one of my closest friends and classmate of our daughter (Huxley/ Little Beaky's mother) died this morning. She was only 40 and leaves behind four children. I have no words.
My partner and my sister-in-law have come through their respective surgeries well and are on the mend, and both now await pathology reports to determine what follow-up treatment is necessary. I appreciate the support here.
Comments
And my sister-in-law has been diagnosed with breast cancer. Not a lot of details there yet, as she just had the biopsy (on the same day her mother died).
Many hugs from me and Daughter-Unit.
I do hope things will be moving in a positive direction now for your partner and your sister-in-law.
If it does turn out to be cancer, I would be glad to know what is helpful to say and what not to say. My brother kept his cancer diagnosis from the family for a very long time, partly because "it's such a burden for people" and partly because people don't know what to say and it's emotionally draining for the person themselves because you have to deal with the other person's emotional reaction as well as your own. He felt that, "Oh, I'm so sorry" was superfluous ("Of course you are. I know."). So what does one say?
'Feel free to talk'
'Let me get you a drink'
There's the dismay, then the uncertainty- how is this going to affect my life, work, plans? If they do get a diagnosis, it should come with some indication of the treatment plan, whether surgery or chemo or both. So discuss the practicalities - how to get to the hospital, what about food shopping? Cooking?
Most of all, just be there when needed.
What not to say: I knew someone died of cancer.
We found it useful to make one person a designated point of contact for a couple of weeks and also to maintain a blog (there are several sites). As well as being a handy record of treatment, it reduced the number of questions as people knew they could sign up for an update and not have to bother us directly.
🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯
Fuck.
Her surgery is Monday, and the good news is that when she met with the oncologist she was told that the type she has is extremely treatable and they caught it early.
Thoughts and irritable fist shaking at the skies for @NicoleMR's friend, @Firenze's brother, and all here contending with this fucking thing in any capacity.
Ruth. Firenze. NicoleMR. Saying your names, just from this page, alone, outloud is prayer.
I lost a brother in law to prostate cancer a month ago, aged 67 (this was the second of my ‘siblings’ to die in a year, with my sister in law having a sudden heart attack last year aged 50). His funeral was a very personal, and non-Christian, one and a lovely memorial to his life as a nature lover and animal rights campaigner, including badger rescuing and hunt sabotage. Such a sad loss of someone who was a force for good, and who had been part of my life since I was a small child.
Prayers for all 🕯
:votive:
:votive:
:votive:
Prayers for your partner's op, @Ruth, and that your SIL's treatment goes well.
For @Martin54's Jamie
For all dealing with this horrible illness
This SUCKS!!!!!!
My partner and my sister-in-law have come through their respective surgeries well and are on the mend, and both now await pathology reports to determine what follow-up treatment is necessary. I appreciate the support here.