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Bad jokes
This is your incredibly-bad joke thread. Here are a few not guaranteed to be actually funny:
Why won't Dracula attack Mick Jagger? Because you can't get blood from a Stone.
Why won't Dracula attack Gene Simmons? Professional courtesy.
How can we diagnose the difference between bubonic plague and pneumonic plague? Ask
the patient to return tomorrow.
How can you tell whether the bear chasing you is a brown bear or a grizzly bear?
Climb a tree; the brown bear will climb it after you and the grizzly will just knock the tree down.
Why won't Dracula attack Mick Jagger? Because you can't get blood from a Stone.
Why won't Dracula attack Gene Simmons? Professional courtesy.
How can we diagnose the difference between bubonic plague and pneumonic plague? Ask
the patient to return tomorrow.
How can you tell whether the bear chasing you is a brown bear or a grizzly bear?
Climb a tree; the brown bear will climb it after you and the grizzly will just knock the tree down.
Comments
A puster.
What do you call a man a' covered in wee chuckies?
Harald.
Because the seaweed.
Q. How do you catch a Unique Rabbit?
A. Unique up on it. (you (s)neak up on it.)
Q. How do you catch a Tame Rabbit?
A. Tame way. Unique up on it.
I thought that was why the lobster blushed.
A: A vampire
In fact, it's Dublin.
'No, it's Thursday,' said the next man.
'Thirsty?' said the third man. 'I am! Lt's all get off and have a drink.'
Deep pan, crisp and even.
A: Getting an elephant pregnant in a VW bug.
There are footprints in the butter.
Grass is flat and the dustbin liner is missing.
They sit on the leaves and wait for autumn.
An elephant.
😂🤣😂🤣 Thank you.
So they can hide in the cherry trees. Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
It works!
The males paint their balls orange and hide in a mango tree.
What's the loudest noise in the jungle?
A giraffe eating mangos.
Shark infested custard.
Q: What's the difference between a hedgehog and a police car?
A: With a hedgehog the pricks are on the outside.
The orange says to the banana - "what'll you have?"
The banana says to the orange - "I'll have a freshly-squeezed orange juice please"
Now the orange is quite thick-skinned and doesn't mind this (see what I did there) but it is a busy pub in the City, full of apples and pears getting their lunchtimes drinks (see what I did there again) and what with one thing and another it is fifteen minutes later and the banana still hasn't got a drink.
Now the banana is a busy banana with places to go and other fruit to see, so says to the orange - "Can't you hurry it up a little?"
And the orange says: "Well, you can see I'm really busy here, could you just hang on a couple of minutes?"
And the banana says, "I'm sorry, but I really have to press you...."
BOOM BOOM
P.S. This is my own personal joke which I invented out of my own head, please tell it to as many people as possible because my dream is that some day someone will tell it back to me... but it has to be real...
A bull has horns at the front and an arsehole at the back.
Because Seven ate Nine.
Why was Yoda afraid of Seven?
Because Six Seven ate.
…
Nice belt!
'Big Issue, sir?'
I like this much better than most Bad Jokes.
Because there are things that rats won't do.
(I heard this from a lawyer on the ABC Law Report)
To see his flat mate
There was me thinking it was to prove he had guts.
Hitler and Goering were walking hrough a Berlin street market. Goering maintained that Jews were cleverer than Germans, but Hitler disagreed.
'I'll prove it', said Goering, and went up to a crockery stall run by a German.
'Do you have a left-handed cup?' he asked.
'A left-handed cup?' said the man, scratching his head. 'No, sir, I've never heard of such a thing.'
They walked on, and came to another crockery stall, run by a Jew.
'I want to buy a cup,' said Goering.
'Here you are, sir,' said the man, lifting one up. 'Good quality, 50 pfennig.'
'No good, I'm afraid. I wanted a left-handed one.'
'Well, sir,' said the man, turning it round, 'You're in luck, they're quite rare. But I just have this one left. To you, sir, one mark.'
Goering paid up, took the cup, and he and Hitler walked on.
'That proves my point, I think,' he said.
'I don't see that at all, said Hitler. 'It was just lucky he had one.'
"Pop!" goes the weasel.
I'd query though whether it's eligible for this thread, simply because it's not a bad joke. It's a very good one IMHO.
The essence of a bad joke is that it's so obvious it isn't funny, that it elicits a groan rather than a laugh. Telford's toothpaste one is also too good to count as a 'bad joke'. My laugh was genuine. However, I think Sparrow's about the weasel is clever enough to be a very successful groan one.