Being silenced
Antigone
Shipmate Posts: 20
in All Saints
I don't know if this is the correct place on these forums, but I wish to talk about being silenced in the C of E. Having raised an issue recently with my Curate, he thought it was a Safeguarding Issue. Because the Safeguarding person for the church was too closely involved, he said it would have to go to the Church Wardens (the actual Vicar having just gone away on Sabbatical). The Curate then spoke to the other party involved and immediately it was all hushed up. He was no longer allowed to talk to me about it - to the extent that he couldn't even tell me that! It seems it's not going forward as a safeguarding issue and I'm not to get any sort of response. The only reason I know that much is that my friend managed to find out from him with my permission, but he totally wasn't supposed to tell her. I'm also not allowed to speak to the other people involved. I don't know who is issuing these orders - I can only think it's the other party involved. I don't know why/how these other people have so much power or why the two parties are being treated so inequably. The Curate had hoped to mediate between us, but is not allowed to.
Comments
It is possible that the matter has been referred to them already and that is why you are being asked to keep quiet, while they investigate - but to leave you wondering is surely not fair on you.
If you are sure that it hasn’t been referred to them, then by keeping quiet you might seem to be colluding with a cover-up. My view, for what it’s worth.
Second, I believe you must be allowed to talk with some kind of spiritual counselor about this, surely, even if you just have to keep going up the chain of command to the Archbishop of Canterbury. If not… then bluntly they’re abrogating their spiritual responsibilities here. Which is possible but I hope you can find someone even if you have to pursue it.
Third, again, praying.
🕯🕯🕯
Doublethink, Admin
Their responsibility is to report it immediately to the Diocesan Safeguarding Adviser. But the point of the Parish Safeguarding Officer is to be a convenient channel, not a gatekeeper.
Since you’ve been told it might be a safeguarding matter you’re entirely within your rights to go direct to the Diocesan Safeguarding Adviser whose details should be readily available on the diocesan website.
I am happy for the correction ... I pray you are right!
In the absence of a vicar, I (then the parish Lay Reader) consulted the Area Dean, who advised me that it was a bullying issue, rather than safeguarding, and showed me how to proceed either formally or informally. To cut a long story short, and after consulting churchwarden B and the PSO affected, it was decided that churchwarden B would have an informal chat with their colleague.
Problem solved, thanks to the help and support received from the Area Dean. Had the AD not been so helpful, I would have approached the Diocesan Safeguarding Team, but that turned out not to be necessary.
I echo @BroJames advice - go to your Diocesan Safeguarding people.
I am going to make one suggestion and that is you find yourself either a counsellor or spiritual director outside the Church of England but with a good knowledge of the dark side of church.
You first need to be heard outside the power structures that are part of the problem so you can find yourself. These type power structures exist in all churches, but someone outside the particular power structures that affect your experience might well help you come to a clarity that is at present muddied. This will help you discern which way forward is best for you. It is too easy to take action that leaves you open to further attacks.
The limited support this boards are able to give and the temptation it provides to give too much information makes this a flawed medium for what you need.
Just a reminder to everyone that these boards are public and may be read by anyone on the internet; and the flip-side of that coin, to echo what @Jengie Jon said above, that the advice you can receive is necessarily limited.
Thank you.
Piglet, AS host
Hi Antigone - which post would you like removed? Feel free to send me a PM if you'd prefer.
Piglet, AS host
I assume that you're C of E, and there are such places within the Anglican church. They may make a charge for staying a night or two on their premises, or they may offer their services for free - might be worth checking out, anyhow.
This.
Getting support isn't about fixing something wrong with you, it's about helping you cope with the fact that you can't always fix the situation. To be clear, you have every right to expect fair treatment, but that doesn't mean you will get it; and even if you do the road to it may be painful. That's not advice to give up, but to armour yourself appropriately for what may be an unpleasant fight.
This, seconded.
Amen.
Good! I hope it all works out well for you.
🙏
Good! I hope it all works out well for you.
🙏[/quote]
Well, he instructed them to give me a response and more support, but they appear to have totally ignored him. Two of the things my friend told me turned out not to be correct, so that goes to show that a proper response is needed. Safeguarding, according to the gov website is not about pushing people into having counselling. It's meant to be about safety, choice, mutuality and empowerment. Feeling really overwhelmed. It's sad, but I can see this being the end of me going to any church.
The parable of the importuning widow and the unjust judge springs to mind… perhaps a Bible-believing Xtian can give chapter and verse…
(ETA code, DT, Admin,)
Read up on that parable. Not really sure what it's about.
I will email the Archdeacon again - let him know that two Sundays later, there's still been no action taken. My case should never have gone to the Church Warden because he's clearly an extremely close friend of the other people involved. Today in church he sat next to her (her husband wasn't there) and had his arm round her, rubbing her shoulder as though to provide reassurance. Apart from that, I enjoyed the service. They've all known each other for years. How could he possibly make an objective decision? The system is ridiculous. The Curate avoids me now, whereas before he was friendly. I was at a dinner party that he was also supposed to be going to, but his wife came without him and I can't help wondering if it was because I was going to be there, as the Church Office secretary seemed a bit flustered when I said I was going. She'd been invited too, but didn't go.
I don't actually care if someone from that church reads this, but they aren't the sort of people to be on The Ship.
(ETA code, DT, Admin,)
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parable_of_the_Unjust_Judge#:~:text=The Parable of the Unjust,by a woman seeking justice.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parable_of_the_Unjust_Judge#:~:text=The Parable of the Unjust,by a woman seeking justice.[/quote]
Yes, I read that too. Still not sure. No one seems sure.
That's how Luke appears to view it, I actually thought Sojourner was saying to be persistent with my church. I pray about it every day, partly because I don't want to have anger and resentment in my heart.