Losing Close Friends
Gramps49
Shipmate
Over the years I have lost friends through death. The first girl I had a crush on died when she was in fourth grade. Other grade school classmates died before we got out of middle school. The death beat continued into high school, and college. Friends died throughout my adult life.
But, now that I am old, my friends are dying quicker. Just today I received notification that one of my college classmates will not be around our our class reunion in October. I had seen him briefly in June at another classmates 75 birthday. At the time I could tell he had a stroke, but his daughter wrote he had an inoperable cancer and is not expected to live through the week. She was asking his friends to send memories of when we met and she would read the replies to him. I immediately sent a reply.
Seems like the circle is getting smaller. Eventually, it will be me.
No doubt many here have experienced this too. How do you deal with it?
With today's notification, my immediate reaction was shock. I have been somewhat sad all day.
I know I cannot be at his memorial or funeral. I might send some flowers or donate to a charity the family designates.
Mrs Gramps and I are developing new friends. Last winter, I taught two new friends how to play pinochle. We meet at least once a month. We are going on trips. Our Alaska cruise is in two weeks. We are planning on going to the East Coast to see some of her old friends and cousins she has not seen since we got married. Might be the only time we will see them because they are also passing on.
Today I am thinking of Dylan Thomas
But, now that I am old, my friends are dying quicker. Just today I received notification that one of my college classmates will not be around our our class reunion in October. I had seen him briefly in June at another classmates 75 birthday. At the time I could tell he had a stroke, but his daughter wrote he had an inoperable cancer and is not expected to live through the week. She was asking his friends to send memories of when we met and she would read the replies to him. I immediately sent a reply.
Seems like the circle is getting smaller. Eventually, it will be me.
No doubt many here have experienced this too. How do you deal with it?
With today's notification, my immediate reaction was shock. I have been somewhat sad all day.
I know I cannot be at his memorial or funeral. I might send some flowers or donate to a charity the family designates.
Mrs Gramps and I are developing new friends. Last winter, I taught two new friends how to play pinochle. We meet at least once a month. We are going on trips. Our Alaska cruise is in two weeks. We are planning on going to the East Coast to see some of her old friends and cousins she has not seen since we got married. Might be the only time we will see them because they are also passing on.
Today I am thinking of Dylan Thomas
"Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light."
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light."
Comments
'And Death shall have no dominion ...'
I read it at my wife's funeral.
Neither poem 'solves' these issues.
But they can help us 'Break in the sun till the sun breaks down.'
Or to borrow a phrase from Eliot, they are a 'raid on the inarticulate.'
We can only do what we can do.
I no longer have any close friends and strictly speaking I no longer have any real friends.
I get e mails about the deaths of all ex collegues and sad to say, that many are now younger than me. We have a facebook group for ex collegues and get the chance to comment on them. We have a rule that you can't say anything bad about anyone. There are some who die who I can't remember. There have been 2 in the past week and for some time now I am finding it very sad when I see pictures of them when they were very fit and healthy.
I remember my wife's grandad, who died at the age of 102, observing that none of his contemporaries were left, he'd outlived them all.
He wasn't at all maudlin or sentimental but he did say how lonely this made him feel.
My parents and my aunts and uncles are all gone. my cousins are starting to retire, and as most of them are older than me, I suspect I'll outlive at least a portion of them.
Thankfully I do have younger friends though.
And there it is!
Genius.
You are wise to do so. My problem is that I never go anywhere
Not sure what you have in your area, our community has an excellent Senior Citizens center with all sorts of activities. We also provide free shuttle services for seniors unable to drive. I am a part of that program.
You're in Sheffield aren't you? Trying to think how to ask delicately and failing; is there anything in particular making it hard for you to get out?
Are you able to access respite care to give yourself a break?
I’m not any kind of medic, but even without doing personal care this would mean needing to give up almost everything else in my life to do their cooking, cleaning, transport (hospital and other health appointments) visiting mum in hospital so on. My father has quite a lot of health problems and if my mum is unable to do this stuff then he’s quite likely to fall into depression without her. It would be a 5-7 day commitment, 8+ hours a day. There isn’t anyone else.
I’m not doing anything like it at the moment and don’t even get on with my parents very well. The worry and the inevitability means I can’t sleep properly as I’m always on edge.
The plan was to do the same this September, but two more cousins have died since then, one quite recently. We'd be down to one cousin, one friend and two cemeteries. The one cousin visited Mum last month, and the friend lives just over an hour's drive from Mum, so we could visit without having to stay over.
I'm trying to think of something else, as, at the moment, it wouldn't be an enjoyable break.
My sister-in-law and brother-in-law live in Sheffield. She has MS and her condition is worsening. He's younger than she is and has a demanding job as well as caring responsibilities for his wife.
He doesn't get out much but enjoys wood-work as a hobby and also seems to derive a lot of comfort and support from the 'house-group' at the church they attend.
It sounds to me that you might benefit from something like that, Telford.
I would benefit from it but I am not desperate for it. I have a GCE in Woodwork by the way. My daughter and her husband are members of a large church and I am sure she would love me to get involved there.
The memorial service is scheduled for 14 September. We will be on our Alaskan cruise then.
:votive:
Well done on the woodwork. It's a skill I lack but one I admire.
The church side of things is your call, of course. Large churches can 'work' for some but not others.
My in-laws visited lots of large and 'big name' churches in Sheffield but decided those weren't for them. They've settled in their small local Methodist church which has proven to be a very caring community and just what they need given my sister in law's condition.
My late wife and I visited Copenhagen not long before she died. The Design Museum there has a remarkable gallery with every conceivable form of chair and then some.
I observed to my wife that it made a change to be somewhere that had memorials to furniture-designers as well as the usual generals, admirals and politicians.
'Blessed are the furniture-designers, for they shall flat-pack the earth ...'
A school narrowboat sounds great. Would that more schools had one of those.
My elder daughter lives on a narrowboat. She is far more practical than I am.
The boat was ususally mored at a small place called Bumblehole in Netherton, Dudley. It was called Bumblebee. It was an old wooden 70foot butty fitted , I think, with an old lorry engine. Not for us the sound of a Bolinder engine. It was very basic inside designed to sleep as many people as possible. In the winter it used to sink somewhat but the canal at Bumblehole was shallow.
My last trip on the boat was to a rally at Stratford on Avon on the newly opened canal there celebrating the 400th birthday of Shakespeare. When younger I yearned to have my own boat, perhaps a 40footer, but we have had to content ourselves with several hire boats for 7 day holidays. I envy your daughter in the summer but not the winter.
Hey @Telford . You mentioned Bolinder engines, so I thought I would add something for you. I volunteer at something called the Anson Engine Museum. We have a website and a Facebook page you might be interested in. We have a number of 2-stroke hot-bulb engines in running condition (including a 4-cyl Gardner which is huge), as well as a Bolinder which is not ours, but in storage for a wooden narrowboat society who I think plan to put it back in the boat to which it belongs. Hot bulb engines are quite interesting (forgive me if you are an expert
Anyway, do have a google for our museum pages if this is the kind of thing you are interested in. And if not, sorry for the lecture
(Museum volunteering means I know a lot of people in their 70s and 80s, too. I try not to think about that too much!)
I hope you are able to make some more off ship friends Telford. It sounds like you are doing a great job looking after your wife and I pray you find some solutions to your social challenges.
My interests are in things historical, especially Roman. Thanks for your post.
You might find you enjoy the History Hit podcasts "The Ancients" and the History Hit YouTube channel.
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Thanks. I watch a lot on Virgin channels and am always making sure I don't miss anything new.