Hellmark Greeting Cards
Gill H
Shipmate
in The Circus
This came out of a surreal discussion between @Hugal and myself. I wondered whether to post it in the 'Roses are red...' thread but I think it could be different enough.
Your task is to compose a suitable sentiment for a greetings card or small gift - the sort of thing that appears on cross stitched samplers or little plaques in the kitchen. But... as if you were the author of one of those 'hellfire and brimstone' tracts.
So for example:
Hope your birthday's really swell!
What a shame you're going to Hell!
A present for a grandma
Who loves to knit and stitch
I think you'd better burn her
She's probably a witch
Here's wishing you a wedding day
That's full of joy and hope
Unfortunately you're both damned
Because you like the Pope!
Over to you, Shipmates.
Your task is to compose a suitable sentiment for a greetings card or small gift - the sort of thing that appears on cross stitched samplers or little plaques in the kitchen. But... as if you were the author of one of those 'hellfire and brimstone' tracts.
So for example:
Hope your birthday's really swell!
What a shame you're going to Hell!
A present for a grandma
Who loves to knit and stitch
I think you'd better burn her
She's probably a witch
Here's wishing you a wedding day
That's full of joy and hope
Unfortunately you're both damned
Because you like the Pope!
Over to you, Shipmates.
Comments
What a shame you're gonna burn!
Happy birthday!
Even though you break God's laws!
Just remember: you're not immune to entropy.
Happy Birthday!
with all your wealth
And family too
all in good health
You are all going to burn
despite all your stealth.....
The sin of Empathy
On February the Twelfth
Bring on old age, incontinence and death!
But oh - we just forgot to mention
The envelope marked HMRC,
A taxing business you’ll agree.
Alternative last line: A hellish business you’ll agree!
It’s unfortunate that you’ve been had.
Your pals are telling you that you need not pray,
that there’s nothing wrong at all with being Gay.
I do hope you wise up before it’s too late.
And find a nice normal girl that you can date.
Happy Birthday from your maiden auntie.
"Tis said you share your love with many,
But I believe you have not any, at least enough to give away.
You keep it for yourself they say."
May your days be long and your laughter bright.
And may your parents find great comfort—
for none escape the coming night.
A warm welcome awaits if you are not a member of another church.
You dribbled, you passed, you conquered the court,
a victory sweet of the finest sort.
Celebrate now, lift high your reward—
before the cosmic ref calls
your final score.