How do you get yourself to want to go to bed at night?
stonespring
Shipmate
in All Saints
My sleep has been getting worse and worse, but the main reason is not that I have trouble falling asleep once I get in bed, but rather that part of me wants to fight to stay up for as long as possible. I am addicted to my phone, computer, and tv, in that order, and I have a very hard time cutting myself off from devices for the evening, but even back in the age before portable devices or the internet if I wasn't staying up late watching TV, I was staying up late going through books, especially reference books like encyclopedias and dictionaries or any book with pictures. Now that we have Amazon Alexa installed on devices in our home, I find myself asking her stupid question after stupid question, in both English and Spanish, to while the time and stay awake, and if I get bored I can ask her to play a stupid funny song or any song that evokes nostalgia. I've talked to the therapists I see for anxiety and OCD about this and I take medication that isn't strictly speaking for sleep but does make me drowsy at night, but I still don't want to go to bed and want to fight like a rebellious child against my own willpower when I try to go to bed earlier.
I would have more motivation to go to bed earlier if I felt that I had something to look forward to the next day, especially something in the morning, but none of the things I do routinely in the morning make me want to end the night so I can start the day fresh, and when I have tried to schedule engaging activities in the morning, I still feel like I have nothing to look forward to by the time it becomes late at night and I wish I could stay awake at night forever and morning would never come. It's gotten pretty bad and my lack of sleep is starting to affect my health and just about everything else in my life.
I've never had a manic episode, by the way, so that isn't what this is. I don't have much energy to do anything at night and whenever I have decided to try to do something useful or at least accomplish something fun in the time that I spend staying up late - such as getting ahead on homework, reading an entire book for fun instead of random articles, or watching lots of good movies and tv shows instead of short clips on my phone or (before smartphones) whatever trash happened to be on TV at the time, I never do it and I rebel against any kind of planned activity at night. I just want to be able to stay up as late as I want and not have to meet any expectations, even my own.
I'm freaking 40 years old. I'm behaving like I'm a teenager or younger. When I was an actual teenager, no one was putting pressure on me to go to bed on time or be particularly studious or responsible, but I motivated myself to get sleep (at least on school nights - I stayed up late on weekends and vacations) and get good grades. I just can't find that motivation anymore, perhaps because I feel like such a failure (although I am getting a master's degree right now!).
I'm also married, but my husband has resigned himself to the fact that I will always go to bed much later than him. Even when I tried to go to bed at the same time as him, earlier in our relationship, he rarely wanted to do anything together in the evening such as watch TV or anything else particularly interesting, let alone romantic. But I love him more than anything and we just accept that we are two neurodivergent weird people.
So that's my story. Does anyone else have trouble not falling asleep, but motivating yourself to go to bed? At times I wish I could implant a device in myself that after a certain hour would administer electric shocks to myself until I got into bed. It's that bad.
I would have more motivation to go to bed earlier if I felt that I had something to look forward to the next day, especially something in the morning, but none of the things I do routinely in the morning make me want to end the night so I can start the day fresh, and when I have tried to schedule engaging activities in the morning, I still feel like I have nothing to look forward to by the time it becomes late at night and I wish I could stay awake at night forever and morning would never come. It's gotten pretty bad and my lack of sleep is starting to affect my health and just about everything else in my life.
I've never had a manic episode, by the way, so that isn't what this is. I don't have much energy to do anything at night and whenever I have decided to try to do something useful or at least accomplish something fun in the time that I spend staying up late - such as getting ahead on homework, reading an entire book for fun instead of random articles, or watching lots of good movies and tv shows instead of short clips on my phone or (before smartphones) whatever trash happened to be on TV at the time, I never do it and I rebel against any kind of planned activity at night. I just want to be able to stay up as late as I want and not have to meet any expectations, even my own.
I'm freaking 40 years old. I'm behaving like I'm a teenager or younger. When I was an actual teenager, no one was putting pressure on me to go to bed on time or be particularly studious or responsible, but I motivated myself to get sleep (at least on school nights - I stayed up late on weekends and vacations) and get good grades. I just can't find that motivation anymore, perhaps because I feel like such a failure (although I am getting a master's degree right now!).
I'm also married, but my husband has resigned himself to the fact that I will always go to bed much later than him. Even when I tried to go to bed at the same time as him, earlier in our relationship, he rarely wanted to do anything together in the evening such as watch TV or anything else particularly interesting, let alone romantic. But I love him more than anything and we just accept that we are two neurodivergent weird people.
So that's my story. Does anyone else have trouble not falling asleep, but motivating yourself to go to bed? At times I wish I could implant a device in myself that after a certain hour would administer electric shocks to myself until I got into bed. It's that bad.
Comments
So what I find helpful, is to find a podcast or very long YouTube playlist - put it on my iPad or phone at a low volume that I have to focus to hear and then have the device plugged in to charge and face down on my bedside table so I’m not looking at the light. Then I go to sleep listening to it.
If you have a bed partner you can use a pillow speaker to avoid keeping them awake.
A spoken voice podcast / YouTube interrupts your thoughts and also gets you somewhat round the feeling of missing out when you stop using the device to watch things.
I've managed to get myself to go to sleep with the thought that if I don't I won't be productive the following evening (as like you I find that those are the most enjoyable parts of the day), and keep a relatively rigid nighttime schedule, where I read something fairly dense shortly before going to bed.
Secondarily, I have a set of er .. information dense podcasts by hosts with soothing voices that I listen to on very low volume to go to sleep (earphones).
I've also found that breathwork can help.
My phone charger is outside my bedroom and I never take my laptop or phone into my bedroom, so no internet / games etc in my bedroom (in both houses I've lived in long-term as an adult, I've chosen the smallest room available as my bedroom with the intention it is *only* for sleeping, prayer and relaxation - which can include reading books but no electronics). Bedtime preparations such as brushing teeth, changing to PJs, etc, include for me plugging my phone in to charge overnight in a location just outside my bedroom, and also checking my phone alarm is set for the time I want for next morning.
Within the past few years, it has occurred to me that I need to accept that sleep hygiene is going to be a lifelong issue for me and something I'm always going to need to actively work at to a greater or lesser extent. Reading this thread is making me grateful that my sleep pattern currently is not as bad as it has sometimes been. (Although right at this moment, my issues are somewhat different to yours, stonespring and Gracious Rebel. I feel very awake into the late evening and am not always getting to sleep well once I'm in bed with the light off. But, as I said, I feel fortunate in that my sleep habits and pattern are nowhere near as bad as they have been at times.)
Just realised - I sleep with a weighted blanket and for, I think, about 8 or 9 years have always had one of the fancier new designs of mattress (from the UK company Emma). Can't imagine going back to either an old-fashioned sping mattress or a non-weighted cover at night and think both of these things have greatly improved my sleep pattern overall. I remember very enthusiastically telling a colleague how comfortable the Emma mattress was when I first got it and how much it had improved my sleep.
I find that having a mug of hot chocolate just before going to bed helps me sleep, and if I don't actually go to bed, it'll just make me fall asleep on the sofa and then wake up at stupid o'clock.
Oh look, I learned a new word today.
I've had lots of trouble with sleep but am able to sleep whenever I want. I feel like you would need to decide to make this a priority, like a big picture priority, and then take gradual steps to change how you do bedtimes. It could be tackled almost like a couch-to-5 km running program or like a diet that you commit to for a number of weeks and then evaluate to see how it went. (If you are really concerned about it, it might even be like trying to quit smoking.)
It's no good to make the decision every night because it's too easy just to stay on the devices and not commit. We are really only accountable to ourselves. So if we want to change, we need a plan. Either change small things over a long period of time or change everything for a month and see what it is like. I favour beginning with the start of a new month and, oh, look, it's almost May 1st.
Thinking about your post, for myself, I will try again with a strict plan of little habit changes to try to improve my overall sleep pattern. But I know that for me this will be on the basis of 'any improvement for any length of time is a bonus,' rather than, 'I'm going to crack my sleep habits and get them sorted once and for all' (as per my above comment that sleep hygiene is going to be a lifelong issue for me always needing some degree of active management).
When I was away at Easter, the soothing noise of waves breaking on the beach outside helped me switch off thinking and fall asleep more easily, so I might try to get a recording of surf and play that late at night.
For me it's admiring the plants in my mini greenhouse and closing it for the night.
Something to get up for? I recommend a dog. 🐾🙂
Not sure of details, because I've never thought this would help me personally, but I think there are options to get recordings of hours at a time of white-noise / background noise such as waves. I've certainly seen Youtube videos which state they are 8 hours / 10 hours of white noise / soothing noise for sleep. I wouldn't want a Youtube video on all night (and suspect there would be ad breaks) but am guessing it must be possible to buy 8 hour / 10 hour recordings of background noise for a not completely-extortionate price.
Scabrous git that I am, my first thought when I encountered an Emma mattress was "It's been a long time since I spent a night on top of an Emma!" Yes, I had a girlfriend called that...
More seriously, the only help I can really offer (as someone who tends to suddenly go "Splut!", and goes out the moment his head hits the pillow) is counting sheep, or breaths, or *something* when you actually get into bed, as it reduces the spare brain left to think about other things.
Now I try to be in bed by 11, and lights out by 11.45 but it varies. I prevaricate, playing games online, catching up with various forums or mindless tv etc before going upstairs. Usually I fall asleep as soon as I have completed my routine of exercises, puzzles etc, but on the rare occasions it doesn’t work I have no solutions.
Worse still is waking in the small hours to go to the loo and not getting back to sleep for a couple of hours. My mind is too busy, worrying about all sorts of things which assume gigantic proportions. I try not to go on my phone but sometimes there is no other way to distract my thoughts. I might eventually fall asleep when it’s time to get up. I do not dread the day ahead unless I have a busy day ahead but feel too tired.
I have a good bedtime routine. I go to bed before midnight, preferably 11pm, and never take my phone/ipad to my bedroom. Most nights I have a warm bath before bed, this isn’t just relaxing in its own right; as Lamb Chopped says, going from a warm bath to a cooler bedroom tells your body that it is time to sleep. I usually read for half hour before I sleep to take my mind off the days events (history books, I don’t read anything that makes me tense. When I had a major anxiety crisis a few years ago I took to reading Calvin and Hobbs before bed).
I find meditation really helpful for anxiety and that includes insomnia. I use the ‘Calm’ app to do daily meditation in stressful times and I’ve also done some of their sleep meditations. They also have some ambling slow bedtime stories and various soundscapes.
Regarding breaking habits - I find it is one of those things (like prayer, or exercise, or chores at home) which is accomplished only by doing it, not by knowing about it or thinking about it. So in that spirit Good Night - I am off to bed :-)
I pulled out some of the things from the OP:
It might help if you talked to yourself about this in a different way. It sounds like there's an adult voice and a child voice within you, with the adult berating or chastising the child who is acting out. Maybe your adult self could address the child within differently, in a more caring way. This is about self-care, after all. Pick a bedtime and a simple routine, set an alarm on your phone (or use the bedtime settings), and when the alarm goes off have a conversation with yourself, acknowledging the child who wants to stay up late and saying, "Sorry, I know you want to stay up, but it's bedtime now -- it's time for your bedtime routine," and then do it, feeling free to complain to your adult the whole while ("meanie, making me brush my teeth and put on my jammies -- it's not fair!" in your best whiny voice).
This is a big part of why I think trying to be motivated is not going to work -- you're trying to want something you don't especially want, at least not in the late evening hours when you're watching YouTube or whatever. Nothing you might look forward to is enough to motivate you to go to bed, so I'd forget trying to get motivated in the evening. I'd think about this in the morning, and set the alarm and decide on the routine then.
The more I think about it, the more I think you can use the fact that you've identified this behavior as childish to your advantage. Adults put children to bed at the same time every night whether the kid has something fun to do in the morning or not because it's healthy to go to bed at the same time every night and get a certain amount of sleep. It doesn't matter what the kid wants, because what the kid needs is sleep.
🕯🕯🕯 for all of us whose partners’ passing might be relevant to this. And hugs to all!
(This is probably not unrelated to the fact that - despite growing up in a household with both parents present who met my physical needs to a high standard - I have no memories of ever being put to bed by a parent, even at a young age, and I believe that from being quite young I was expected to take myself off to bed without direct parental involvement in this activity / parental support to develop the relevant, helpful routines. And my ideals of positive parenting now very much require parental involvement in a bedtime routine e.g. via reading a bedtime story, etc.)
🕯️🕯️
That is so nice to know! Thank you for telling me. This is how I finally got myself to floss my teeth every day, among other things.
Actually, I think that your post is helpful for many situations. I can think of one in my life where I plan to try it. Thanks!
I can identify with all of that, and certainly identified with the whole "internal family systems" thing in that book, as with so much else. Quite a lot of my energy is devoted to keeping that system on a relatively even keel, without meltdowns in any direction.
As I feel myself getting older (and in fairness, I'm not that old, still early 40s,) I get more resentful of the limitations of time and space on my life. Maybe try to be more intentional about moving through it instead of being moved.
Would you like to count the number of times that I've noticed that it has suddenly got dark outside, and then realized that I haven't eaten lunch yet. If I get engaged in doing something, all external sense of time vanishes. I have a large number of necessary alarms set on my phone to remind me to do things like get up from what I'm doing and go and pick up a kid from whatever activity they're doing. I haven't yet chosen to set a "eat a meal" alarm, because I prefer to eat when I'm hungry rather than at a set time, but I might consider it...
I absolutely get that; I have to get up at 7:30 to be at work on time without having to rush about, so I set the alarm for 7 to give me time to faff about doing Wordle and catching up with Facebook before I actually get up.
But ... whenever I don't have to get up next day, I can faff about until 2 in the morning, which I'm quite sure does me no good whatsoever, even though I can catch up with the sleep next day.
“One of us! One of us!” 🥰
My sleep routines have been ruled by how well I need to be able to function the next day added to being someone who needs quite a bit of sleep. I'm currently managing about 7-8 hours per night, but during the most stressful period of my life I was only managing 5 (or less) and where possible trying to fit in a power nap during the day.
When I was a teenage my routine was bed at 9.30 and up at 7 to catch a bus at 8.30 for school. I always read in bed for about half an hour before sleeping. During summer holidays when I wasn't very active I'd often have trouble falling asleep at night, so I try to do something physical to assist with "being tired" of an evening.
As an adult I've stuck to the bedtime routine thing. Now I try to be up no later than 11pm and wake about 6.30am. Sometimes I'm in my pyjamas before dinner depending on when I choose to shower. I might have an evening quick dip in the bath, but I never shower of an evening because I find it makes me too alert. I don't know if that's all in my head and associated with starting the day with a shower (to wake me up when I'd had broken sleep).
I used to find that being anxious about what I needed to get done of a morning was wrecking my sleep, so when life was particularly busy I'd try to do a lot of stuff before bed. Because I really did enjoy my TV watching, I'd make a point of doing a small job in ad breaks. Pack lunch or nappy bag. Lay out clothes for the next day, Put bread in the toaster and teabag in the kettle, which was filled and ready to go. All those things meant I had nothing playing on my mind, and I could sleep really well knowing I was ahead of the game.
I've tried to make similar suggestions to my family members about sleep routines, but they have fallen on deaf ears until recently. Cheery daughter now works shifts and she's better in a routine and not so good without the structure of work and what that imposes on her.
I also have sleep apnea and have been much better weariness-wise since having been diagnosed and appropriately treated. I don't know how long I had the condition before being diagnosed, but I often had morning headaches which I had put down to sinuses and allergies, if only it had been that!!
I know not everyone can self-impose a routine on themselves, but I have found it to be the thing that means I can function fairly well.