All the best for the road ahead Linnet. I've found this thread very helpful to process the complicated emotions I felt looking after my ageing mum and dad. I didn't have either the time or the mental energy to do that before they died - but I'm grateful for the opportunity several years later.
Well ... more so than some of the other posters' difficulties. She is dreadful at remembering her meds (anti-epileptic) so the blackouts she was having before diagnosis are likely to return. She is also planning to come and stay with us - several hundred kms away - which is fine - except my sister has just emailed to say we may need to burn the bedding and carpet afterwards as the incontinence is bad and she does not adhere to precautions. I hope she is exaggerating. I haven't been to AP's house for twelve months (today, as it happens) so I'm not sure if it's as bad as Sister Zappa says.
Get a waterproof mattress protector and a cheap washable duvet before she arrives, even if you aren’t sure how bad the problem really is.
If you’re worried about armchairs, there are padded disposable sheet things you can put on them (which are cheaper in pet stores; they’re available for humans, but a lot more expensive).
The carpet is a harder problem to solve...
Also invaluable is the line "Mum have you been to the toilet recently?" and a commode in the bedroom. Elderly people loose the ability to pick up bodily signals for hunger, thirst and toilet so prompting them like a toddler before it is too late helps.
I remember my dad asking my mum at regular intervals if she needed to go to the loo, and thinking it was overkill, until I realised that she really didn't always know.
@Linnet , welcome aboard the thread! Even if we long-term deckhands have no concrete advice to offer, you can be sure of a sympathetic hearing - and we really don't get bored with the rants, so it's safe to let rip here, perhaps not so much IRL .
The Dowager is still in hospital, but improving; and the house sale is still not concluded (though I did threaten to put the Dower House back on the market, which seems to have put sufficient felines among an adequate number of pigeons...)
@Robert Armin I might have been looking for a pillow yesterday. The Dowager is still in hospital after 10 days, with her annual bout of pneumonia. When I visited her yesterday, she told me (when she was persuaded to realise that I was sitting next to her) that she felt 'broken', and that she needed 148. Also that her swing was no good now (she played golf till she was 90).
She looks awful; blotches all up her arms, and they are now concerned about her renal function. I couldn't persuade her to drink more than a sip or two of tea or squash, and when I tried to joke that I was sorry I hadn't a G&T to give her, she simply had no idea why she might want one.
Repeating alternately 'Oh dear' and 'Amen', she must be a sad ward-mate for some of the other patients
I've seen her come back from so much, but I really wondered 'how long?' yesterday - but when I visited the care home afterwards, the staff were so concerned about her, asking when she was expected back and telling me how much they missed her, that I felt really chastened.
Your prayers would be appreciated, but I don't know for what...
My daily prayer for my Mum is for a good death when the time comes. I can't say when it will be, most likely when she next gets a chest infection but you do not live to ninety without being stubborn
Mom is changing pretty rapidly now. I was able to get her to the neurologist Monday, and her doctor was alarmed at how much Mom has lost of her cognitive abilities. She hides important things, like her wallet, and the Christmas and Birthday money Dad gave to her. She denies that she does it, of course. She claims that someone, or even my dad, goes into her room and steals it.
Today, we had another trial of looking for her wallet, because she had an appointment with her GP. We never did find it. But her GP was shocked at how much Mom's thinking abilities have diminished. (We see the GP every four months, so it's not been that long since Dr. B saw her last.)
The lovely GP talked to me in private after Mom's examination and gave me the number of the local agency on aging. I'm waiting for them to call me back.
Oh, yes. I told Mom that when we find her wallet I will keep it for her. She informed me if I kept talking to her like that she would slap my face. This is not my mom.
Oh, yes. I told Mom that when we find her wallet I will keep it for her. She informed me if I kept talking to her like that she would slap my face. This is not my mom.
JJ - Your comment about your Mom triggered my past grief about my mother's changes due to dementia, but also my current grief about my brother G's situation with Parkinson's.
I am currently tidying my house and finding cards I have received from G over the years - cards which have been carefully chosen by him to appeal to me, witty cards, funny cards, some thanking me for something I have done, some sharing a childhood joke. I miss that brother.
Thank you @Doone and @Huia.
It's so stinkin' unfair to our loved ones to lose the essential 'them'. And heartbreaking for those of us who miss the real them.
Oh @jedijudy, I hated it when mum was like that. She kept things 'safe' then thought the neighbours had stolen them and I was stupid and naïve for not believing her. I had a lot of 'you're not my mother, don't tell me what to do' as well. We're more or less out the other side of that, but now she doesn't make a great deal of sense with what she says. @The Intrepid Mrs S , that sounds tough for the Dowager. I hope they can get her stable and back to her care home. Hospitals are not good for elderly folk. @Autenrieth Road, I hope your mother didn't do too much damage to her leg. Do you have the equivalent of a falls clinic to see if they can work out why she is falling? Something like that might also be able to help with walking aids. My mother-in-law realised she had either to use her zimmer frame or risk her next fall being fatal. She's been very good with it ever since.
@jedijudy I have been there. Yes it is hard and while you know it is the disease the actual fact is that she is still your mum and it hurts. When in A&E with her in October she spent an hour hitting me (I could have moved out of range but she was less likely to get off the bed if I stayed in range which given she had already broken her leg in two places through getting off the trolley was not a good idea) because I would not go and fetch a needle and thread so she could sew the blanket to my jumper. No solutions, just been somewhere similar far too often this last few years.
@Sarasa my mother has been using her walker (Zimmer frame) since last winter, but she has had a sudden increase in falls recently even with the walker. Falls Clinic sounds like a good idea if I can find one. Thanks for the suggestion.
Well, you guys are miracle workers - I had decided to take a day off from worrying about the Dowager and went out for lovely walk in the sunshine. On my return I had a call from the hospital to say they'd been able to send her back to her care home, and she was 'so happy' she shot out of bed (!) apparently, to get ready.
I am more delighted than I thought possible.
Thank you all so, so much.
Supportive hugs for all - how sad this is, that these people are not our parents, but yet, somehow, they still are, and we still (have to?) love them
@Jengie Jon that is so very hard to deal with. I believe your "real mum" is hidden safe with God, but I doubt that makes what you're going through any easier.
I was thinking that, Sarasa - it looks like she's accepted that it's "home" now.
D's mum seems to have accepted the place where she is now but, like AR's mum, she's prone to falling. D's brother-in-law reckons it's because she insists on carrying her bag on her shoulder, rather than cross-body, and it's overbalancing her (although I doubt she has enough stuff in it for that).
As others have said, you don't get to be 90 without a bit of grit and steel, and she never seems to do herself any harm.
@The Intrepid Mrs S I’m glad you got to have a lovely walk. And that The Intrepid Dowager S is able to go back to the care home, and that that makes her happy.
@Piglet that sounds hard with D’s mother falling. Does she use a cane or a walker? At least she has accepted the care home; that’s good.
Mum turns out to have broken her leg. It’s sufficiently complicated that for the surgery to repair it she has been transferred to the Big Hospital (Truly Humongous Hospital!) 30 minutes away, where all the Very Best orthopedists hang out.
@Autenrieth Road thank you. I'm sorry that your mother has broken her leg so badly, but it just might be that this is the trigger for her to accept that All Is Not Well in other areas also? It does seem to be that something major has to happen - a quantum step - quantum fall? - before APs can comprehend that there are problems which have led to this point.
The Dowager was always falling over until she was persuaded to use a walker and since then (fingers crossed) she's been a lot, lot better.
Yes, @Sarasa and @Piglet it's wonderful that she is pleased to be going 'home' - sad perhaps that it is now the only home that she can remember! But let's not cavil - she's happy to go and they are happy to see her - what's not to like?
@Jengie Jon that is so very hard to deal with. I believe your "real mum" is hidden safe with God, but I doubt that makes what you're going through any easier.
As others have said, you don't get to be 90 without a bit of grit and steel, and she never seems to do herself any harm.
Many times, when the Dowager's been ill, or her friends and family have died, I have thought 'well, that'll be it now' but she picks herself up and carries on. They bred them tough in those days!
At the funeral of a former neighbour, her son said that it was good to be able to remember her and celebrate her life as she really was, and put the years of confusion behind us. I’ve thought of that a few times since. But you still have to cope with the years of confusion while they last.
My mother is continuing to report my father's "episodes of confusion." I think she may have a point, and that Dad is becoming more easily confused, but much of the reported behaviour is things that I do now. And I think I still have all my marbles.
The most recent was that Dad thought it was the 4th Jan when it was in fact the 6th. It'll take me till about mid-Feb to reliably write the date as 2020 and not 2019.
The "episode of confusion" prior to that, they had been to the opticians and Mum wanted to buy some groceries on the way home, but didn't want Dad trailing round the supermarket. So she sent him back to the car to wait for her, but Dad couldn't remember which bit of the car park the car was in.
Personally, I routinely photograph my car after parking it because otherwise I find myself wandering round looking for it.
It's quite unnerving when Mum reports another "episode of confusion" and I realise she is describing my life, now! What will I be like in my 80s?
@Linnet welcome! I find it so helpful to be able to talk about what’s going on and hear other people’s experiences; I hope you will too.
@North East Quine that does sound exasperating. I hope more clarity emerges. Those two examples are things I do too. (Checking marbles: all present and accounted for.)
Another one raising a trotter to getting the date wrong, and not knowing where the car is (although I'm just a passenger). I wonder if that's what remote locking is for - so that you can click your key-ring and your car will say "hello"?
D's mum was occasionally using a walking-stick (mostly just when she was outdoors) last time I saw her nearly two years ago; I don't know if she uses one now.
I feel rather bad that I'll probably never see her again: D's sister and b-i-l decided they wouldn't tell her that D. had died, as either she wouldn't take it in, or if she did, it would upset her too much. If she were to see me without him, she'd probably wonder why he wasn't there. It's a deception that none of us wants, but I think they're probably doing the kindest thing.
Thanks @Robert Armin . My understanding is a bit different but I believe it is the whole of a persons life that is redeemed not just what they were when they die. So this really is the worn tattered edge of my Mum and the full woman is much more than this.
Spent 50 minutes with her today. She was on the edge of sleep but slightly agitated when I went in but as I sat with her and held her hand she drifted off first into a doze and then into deeper sleep. No conversation even by her standards but I might well see her again on Monday. The odd thing are the things that turn up in her room, she has a small pottery dragon and a cuddly baby doll. do not know where they came from but the later makes some sort of sense. I can see her getting pleasure from cuddling it.
Piglet, we had something similar in our family and just didn't tell the person who was far away until we were actually with her. Then we sort of fudged on when Dad died. Said, in September, and just didn't mention that it was over a year ago in the previous September. The Elderly Relative with Dementia, while obviously wondering at first where Dad was, was fine with it and was consoled by how reasonable everyone was and felt we had adjusted very well. The ER died a few weeks later and we felt that it was good that the subject had been broached. In time, maybe you will be able to see her without the upset. Not writing this to say what to do but offering it as a very similar situation where we had never thought we would be able to tell her and had actively changed the subject whenever she asked for Dad while on the telephone, etc.
Confusion in older patients after surgery info here.
The nurses tell me my mother has been delirious after the surgery. I went to visit her and she immediately and very firmly told me “go away.” So I went. (I suspect she didn’t recognize me, rather than not wanting her daughter there.)
So it’s presumably either postoperative delirium (wait a week) or post-operative cognitive dysfunction (wait longer or forever).
@North East Quine I hope you don't mind me asking, please ignore me if you prefer, but how did your Christmas/NYE pan out in the end?
Had a call from the home today to say that Mum had had a fall - only on to her bottom,in her room, and she apparently thought it rather funny! Apparently, she's mostly being good and resting - long may it continue!
We spent Christmas at home, as we always do. My brother and sister-in-law visited Mum and Dad on Christmas Day afternoon, but just for a cuppa.
Then we also spent Hogmonay at home, instead of with Mum and Dad. We saw New Year in at a ceilidh in our church hall, which was great fun! Mum and Dad, alone at Hogmonay for the first time ever, just went to bed, though Mum was woken up by fireworks at midnight. Mum was in tears over the phone on the 31st, which was hard.
We went through for lunch on Sat 4 Jan. Mum invited my brother and sister-in-law as well, which would have meant her cooking lunch for 8, but they declined and came round mid afternoon for coffee instead. Mum made an excellent lunch!
Mum was sad that she didn't have us for Hogmonay, but admitted that catering three times in under 24 hours (dinner at 6pm on the 31st, sausage rolls etc at midnight, lunch at 1pm on the 1st) would have been too much for her, and she won't accept help.
Mum's now got a cleaner coming in once a month, to do any cleaning which requires standing on a step-stool. The tipping point was the kitchen window behind the sink. Mum's definition of the stuff which needs cleaned monthly is pretty much my definition of annual "spring cleaning." Generally, I think that if you need to stand on a step stool to see dirt, then it's a case of "out of sight, out of mind". The cleaner remarked that her own house isn't as clean as Mum and Dad's!
Welcome @Linnet, I hope you can get your mum to accept a little bit of help now, so that when she needs a lot she is more used to the idea. @North East Quine , glad that your mother has hired a cleaner for the same sort of reasons. Also glad that you didn't go for Hogmanay so your mum didn't have to do all that cooking. Maybe next year she'll be amenable to a scaled down celebration.
My mother in law is becoming a cause of concern. For years she's managed with my brother in law calling in twice a day to check on her, and him doing her finances, and other stuff she couldn't manage. it's become obvious over the last few months she really needs more help. She was always happy to sit in her chair and read but now she seems to be losing that ability. She appears not to be able to sort out food for herself either and also looks like she is on the verge of incontinence. My husband texted his sibling after Christmas to say he wanted a conference call between the four of them to see what needs to be done and get more help in. That didn't go down too well, as brother in law knows how upset his mother got last time one of the siblings tried that, and he was the only one on hand to pick up the pieces. My mother in law is one of my favourite people but I'm trying to keep a back seat on all this at the moment.
NEQ - well done for weathering the tears, and good that she's ever so slightly conceding ground. It sounds as if you are developing an effective family strategy.
@Autenrieth Road sorry your mother broke her leg so badly and that she wasn't recognising you. I hope when the break has healed you'll be able to send her to rehab so she can gain mobility, and maybe sort out why she fell in the first place.
Confusion in older patients after surgery info here.
The nurses tell me my mother has been delirious after the surgery. I went to visit her and she immediately and very firmly told me “go away.” So I went. (I suspect she didn’t recognize me, rather than not wanting her daughter there.)
So it’s presumably either postoperative delirium (wait a week) or post-operative cognitive dysfunction (wait longer or forever).
AR, I hope it is the former. My dad had it and I wound up staying in the hospital with him at night so that he would sleep. It is scary but they can come around with time and meds. All the best to you and your mother.
The nurses tell me my mother has been delirious after the surgery.
The mother of a friend of mine, whose mind had been quite sharp up to that point, became demented after gallbladder surgery. It turned out the dementia was a reaction to a drug she had been given.
My mother totally lost her marbles as the result of a urinary tract infection. It was really scary, but few doses of antibiotics and she was back to her normal self. Her best friend, a nurse working with elderly people, said that it was so common that if there seemed to be sudden onset dementia a quick urine test would tell them if this was that cause.
It is my impression, based on the experiences of friends, that elderly people are more likely to have side effects from general anesthetic, but of course I am not a doctor and people' experiences vary.
Comments
If you’re worried about armchairs, there are padded disposable sheet things you can put on them (which are cheaper in pet stores; they’re available for humans, but a lot more expensive).
The carpet is a harder problem to solve...
The Dowager is still in hospital, but improving; and the house sale is still not concluded (though I did threaten to put the Dower House back on the market, which seems to have put sufficient felines among an adequate number of pigeons...)
(((()))) for all
Mrs. S, bored with ringing the hospital
@Robert Armin I might have been looking for a pillow yesterday. The Dowager is still in hospital after 10 days, with her annual bout of pneumonia. When I visited her yesterday, she told me (when she was persuaded to realise that I was sitting next to her) that she felt 'broken', and that she needed 148. Also that her swing was no good now (she played golf till she was 90).
She looks awful; blotches all up her arms, and they are now concerned about her renal function. I couldn't persuade her to drink more than a sip or two of tea or squash, and when I tried to joke that I was sorry I hadn't a G&T to give her, she simply had no idea why she might want one.
Repeating alternately 'Oh dear' and 'Amen', she must be a sad ward-mate for some of the other patients
I've seen her come back from so much, but I really wondered 'how long?' yesterday - but when I visited the care home afterwards, the staff were so concerned about her, asking when she was expected back and telling me how much they missed her, that I felt really chastened.
Your prayers would be appreciated, but I don't know for what...
My daily prayer for my Mum is for a good death when the time comes. I can't say when it will be, most likely when she next gets a chest infection but you do not live to ninety without being stubborn
And prayers ascending for Mrs Shrew and the Dowger. God knows what you both need, even if you don't.
Today, we had another trial of looking for her wallet, because she had an appointment with her GP. We never did find it. But her GP was shocked at how much Mom's thinking abilities have diminished. (We see the GP every four months, so it's not been that long since Dr. B saw her last.)
The lovely GP talked to me in private after Mom's examination and gave me the number of the local agency on aging. I'm waiting for them to call me back.
Oh, yes. I told Mom that when we find her wallet I will keep it for her. She informed me if I kept talking to her like that she would slap my face. This is not my mom.
JJ - Your comment about your Mom triggered my past grief about my mother's changes due to dementia, but also my current grief about my brother G's situation with Parkinson's.
I am currently tidying my house and finding cards I have received from G over the years - cards which have been carefully chosen by him to appeal to me, witty cards, funny cards, some thanking me for something I have done, some sharing a childhood joke. I miss that brother.
It's so stinkin' unfair to our loved ones to lose the essential 'them'. And heartbreaking for those of us who miss the real them.
@The Intrepid Mrs S , that sounds tough for the Dowager. I hope they can get her stable and back to her care home. Hospitals are not good for elderly folk.
@Autenrieth Road, I hope your mother didn't do too much damage to her leg. Do you have the equivalent of a falls clinic to see if they can work out why she is falling? Something like that might also be able to help with walking aids. My mother-in-law realised she had either to use her zimmer frame or risk her next fall being fatal. She's been very good with it ever since.
@Sarasa my mother has been using her walker (Zimmer frame) since last winter, but she has had a sudden increase in falls recently even with the walker. Falls Clinic sounds like a good idea if I can find one. Thanks for the suggestion.
I am more delighted than I thought possible.
Thank you all so, so much.
Supportive hugs for all - how sad this is, that these people are not our parents, but yet, somehow, they still are, and we still (have to?) love them
Mrs. S, confused but happy
D's mum seems to have accepted the place where she is now but, like AR's mum, she's prone to falling. D's brother-in-law reckons it's because she insists on carrying her bag on her shoulder, rather than cross-body, and it's overbalancing her (although I doubt she has enough stuff in it for that).
As others have said, you don't get to be 90 without a bit of grit and steel, and she never seems to do herself any harm.
@Piglet that sounds hard with D’s mother falling. Does she use a cane or a walker? At least she has accepted the care home; that’s good.
Mum turns out to have broken her leg. It’s sufficiently complicated that for the surgery to repair it she has been transferred to the Big Hospital (Truly Humongous Hospital!) 30 minutes away, where all the Very Best orthopedists hang out.
The Dowager was always falling over until she was persuaded to use a walker and since then (fingers crossed) she's been a lot, lot better.
Yes, @Sarasa and @Piglet it's wonderful that she is pleased to be going 'home' - sad perhaps that it is now the only home that she can remember! But let's not cavil - she's happy to go and they are happy to see her - what's not to like?
Thank you @Robert Armin for that - it helps.
Many times, when the Dowager's been ill, or her friends and family have died, I have thought 'well, that'll be it now' but she picks herself up and carries on. They bred them tough in those days!
Mrs. S, grateful for your support
The most recent was that Dad thought it was the 4th Jan when it was in fact the 6th. It'll take me till about mid-Feb to reliably write the date as 2020 and not 2019.
The "episode of confusion" prior to that, they had been to the opticians and Mum wanted to buy some groceries on the way home, but didn't want Dad trailing round the supermarket. So she sent him back to the car to wait for her, but Dad couldn't remember which bit of the car park the car was in.
Personally, I routinely photograph my car after parking it because otherwise I find myself wandering round looking for it.
It's quite unnerving when Mum reports another "episode of confusion" and I realise she is describing my life, now! What will I be like in my 80s?
@North East Quine that does sound exasperating. I hope more clarity emerges. Those two examples are things I do too. (Checking marbles: all present and accounted for.)
D's mum was occasionally using a walking-stick (mostly just when she was outdoors) last time I saw her nearly two years ago; I don't know if she uses one now.
I feel rather bad that I'll probably never see her again: D's sister and b-i-l decided they wouldn't tell her that D. had died, as either she wouldn't take it in, or if she did, it would upset her too much. If she were to see me without him, she'd probably wonder why he wasn't there. It's a deception that none of us wants, but I think they're probably doing the kindest thing.
Aging really isn't much fun ...
Spent 50 minutes with her today. She was on the edge of sleep but slightly agitated when I went in but as I sat with her and held her hand she drifted off first into a doze and then into deeper sleep. No conversation even by her standards but I might well see her again on Monday. The odd thing are the things that turn up in her room, she has a small pottery dragon and a cuddly baby doll. do not know where they came from but the later makes some sort of sense. I can see her getting pleasure from cuddling it.
The nurses tell me my mother has been delirious after the surgery. I went to visit her and she immediately and very firmly told me “go away.” So I went. (I suspect she didn’t recognize me, rather than not wanting her daughter there.)
So it’s presumably either postoperative delirium (wait a week) or post-operative cognitive dysfunction (wait longer or forever).
What Piglet said
@North East Quine I hope you don't mind me asking, please ignore me if you prefer, but how did your Christmas/NYE pan out in the end?
Had a call from the home today to say that Mum had had a fall - only on to her bottom,in her room, and she apparently thought it rather funny! Apparently, she's mostly being good and resting - long may it continue!
Mrs. S, relieved
Then we also spent Hogmonay at home, instead of with Mum and Dad. We saw New Year in at a ceilidh in our church hall, which was great fun! Mum and Dad, alone at Hogmonay for the first time ever, just went to bed, though Mum was woken up by fireworks at midnight. Mum was in tears over the phone on the 31st, which was hard.
We went through for lunch on Sat 4 Jan. Mum invited my brother and sister-in-law as well, which would have meant her cooking lunch for 8, but they declined and came round mid afternoon for coffee instead. Mum made an excellent lunch!
Mum was sad that she didn't have us for Hogmonay, but admitted that catering three times in under 24 hours (dinner at 6pm on the 31st, sausage rolls etc at midnight, lunch at 1pm on the 1st) would have been too much for her, and she won't accept help.
Mum's now got a cleaner coming in once a month, to do any cleaning which requires standing on a step-stool. The tipping point was the kitchen window behind the sink. Mum's definition of the stuff which needs cleaned monthly is pretty much my definition of annual "spring cleaning." Generally, I think that if you need to stand on a step stool to see dirt, then it's a case of "out of sight, out of mind". The cleaner remarked that her own house isn't as clean as Mum and Dad's!
My mother in law is becoming a cause of concern. For years she's managed with my brother in law calling in twice a day to check on her, and him doing her finances, and other stuff she couldn't manage. it's become obvious over the last few months she really needs more help. She was always happy to sit in her chair and read but now she seems to be losing that ability. She appears not to be able to sort out food for herself either and also looks like she is on the verge of incontinence. My husband texted his sibling after Christmas to say he wanted a conference call between the four of them to see what needs to be done and get more help in. That didn't go down too well, as brother in law knows how upset his mother got last time one of the siblings tried that, and he was the only one on hand to pick up the pieces. My mother in law is one of my favourite people but I'm trying to keep a back seat on all this at the moment.
AR, I hope it is the former. My dad had it and I wound up staying in the hospital with him at night so that he would sleep. It is scary but they can come around with time and meds. All the best to you and your mother.
The mother of a friend of mine, whose mind had been quite sharp up to that point, became demented after gallbladder surgery. It turned out the dementia was a reaction to a drug she had been given.
It is my impression, based on the experiences of friends, that elderly people are more likely to have side effects from general anesthetic, but of course I am not a doctor and people' experiences vary.