Dropping in here to catch up on you all. Condolences to Autenreith Road. Pleased that TPTB have granted the right help to Jengie Jon. Prayers for all.
Way back, Firenze quoted the Irish mother and lightbulb joke. I'd heard that as being a Jewish mother happy to sit in the dark.
D's son heard it in fact. D said that very thing when the bulb went. (And had never heard the joke, so wasn't being funny!)
I wonder how much of what Firenze has noted derives from the way women in the past were not able to become fully what they could have been, losing out on education, and being constrained to expected roles in life.
My mother the Dowager finally gave in and died this morning at 2.30. She was on end-of-life care in her care home, and we were summoned yesterday at 4.30 am as they thought she had only an hour or two to live. She simply could not let go, though her breathing was desperately shallow, and when the morphine wore off (and the surgery were slow sending the next dose - for pity's sake!) she was delirious, making formless cries and struggling to get up. I was trying to calm her by singing nursery rhymes, which worked for a while
That day was like purgatory for me and Mr S, God only knows what it was like for her.
Anyway, we both woke up - separately - at 2.30 and the call from the home came at 3 am. the carer was sitting by her side and holding her hand and she went peacefully at last. I have been mourning her loss, as regular readers will know, for years now, and it is a blessing that she can now be at rest.
However, as if life wasn't complex enough, her death means that we cannot now sell her house until probate is obtained (likely to be months). I have been pushing and pushing for exchange/completion dates, we were due to exchange on Friday, and now it is all off.
Mrs S, fellow feeling. That brought back D's departure - at a similar time, with similar symptoms. I'm glad someone was with the Dowager, and she was peaceful.
My sympathies. I had the same problem with the sale of my mother’s house which she had agreed to after moving to a care home, but then she had some sort of stroke and was not able to sign the paperwork. She never recovered and sadly died about three weeks later. Fortunately our buyers were prepared to wait, and thanks to the expertise of a family friend, probate and all the necessary legalities were completed within three months, so the house was sold within a reasonable timescale.
With hindsight I could have used my inheritance to get the house done up in that time, and probably would have more than recouped the outlay.
Equally with hindsight I should have paid for mum to go into a nursing home for her end of life care rather than linger on a hospital ward for those last three weeks, where the staff, though very kind and caring, were so busy.
And so the Dowager departs. Sorry to hear her death was so painful for you all, but she is now at peace. Prayers for the Intrepid Family, not least in dealing with all the practical issues that lie ahead.
So sorry to hear your news @The Intrepid Mrs S . I knew the Dowager hadn't been too good lately, but didn't realised how ill she was. Sorry about the delay in selling her house too. Hope probate gets sorted pronto. In the meantime look after you as well as the rest of your grieving family.
I read this earlier this morning and didn't have the words. So strange to think that I don't know any of you in "real life" but her death and the sadness for your family is quite real. She was a trooper and I am glad that the worries when she was living on her own and the fear that she wouldn't adjust turned out well when you found her a good spot to live. Farewell to the Dowager and much love and courage for the days ahead.
You can't know, all of you, how much comfort that brings me. Bless you all.
I still think we should have had an Aged Parent exchange, because other people's never seem as bad as your own!
And the comfort that this thread has brought me has been amazing - to know that so many other people were wrestling with the exact same issues was instructional and (I keep saying this) comforting.
We were worried about how the Intrepid Grandson would handle it, as he often asks when they are going to visit Great-grandma again (Miss S says it's because she always gave him chocolate!) but he announced today that they couldn't visit her any more because she was dead. Fair enough; he brought her great joy while she was alive.
We were worried about how the Intrepid Grandson would handle it, as he often asks when they are going to visit Great-grandma again (Miss S says it's because she always gave him chocolate!) but he announced today that they couldn't visit her any more because she was dead. Fair enough; he brought her great joy while she was alive.
Well said. Prayers from us for your mother, and for all of you who mourn her, each in the way suitable to them.
Thinking of you all Mrs S. I feel like someone I knew has died because you have posted about the Dowager in good times and bad. Prayers for the Intrepid family.
Again, thank you to all of you lovely supportive people. I take great comfort from the fact that some of the staff at The Dowager's care home want to come to her funeral. That speaks volumes to me about her - and about them!
There's so much to do - how do people who are grieving the unexpected loss of someone dear to them, someone with a whole life ahead of them - how does anyone deal with that?
Adding to the condolences. What a long journey this has been for you all.
I had begun to think she was indestructible - she had fought her way back from so many setbacks - that even now I can't quite believe she is gone, and we are at the beginning of the end of this particular journey.
My dad called me yesterday while I was in bed with a 102 degree fever. Mom had decided she was going to walk to the grocery store which is across a very busy four-lane highway. Dad said he was going to follow her to make sure she would be safe.
Did he take his cell phone? No. Of course not.
I didn't even put on shoes and got in my car and started looking for her.
I ended up calling 911, and we had five sheriff's deputies and a helicopter looking for her. One of the deputies found her and brought her home. By that time, she claimed she had only gone for a walk.
It's getting time to put mom in a home somewhere. They can't afford a good one, and I know how terrible the ones for poor folks are. I can't stay at their house because the five cats aggravate my asthma so badly. If she can stay with me, that would solve some problems, but increase others.
Oh, JJ, what a situation! I do hope something can be worked out for your mum - for your dad's sake and yours almost as much as hers.
Is there any Shelter-type accommodation available where your parents live, where they're sort of independent, but there's a certain level of care (and security) available?
@jedijudy , it is such a worry when elderly parents start wondering, even if she lived with you you'd probably be chasing after her all the time too. My solution was to move mum to the Care Home nearest me that I though best fitted her needs. Like you said homes are expensive, and mum will have gone through all her savings in about three more years. Then we'll have to depend on what social services can provide.
I hope you can come up with a solution soon.
@Piglet we do have assisted living places here, but they are quite expensive.
@Sarasa , I have done the assessments for both my parents for the Area Agency on Aging. The big problem here is that we are a retirement community, and their care lists are full.
I will keep working on it! Thanks for your thoughts and help!
@jedijudy that's awful. No suggestions, I'm afraid. But I hope your fever has improved.
My sister downloaded a dementia/alzheimers questionnaire (USA based) and our AP strikes almost all cognitive warning signs - but manages brilliantly so far to disguise matters from the doctor (and my brother). Not from her care-givers. For as long as she can keep doing that I kinda figure she still has some sort of cognitive reality, so I guess, somewhat cruelly, that we just have to wait until she screws up. Which I know sounds incredibly callous.
I'll be seeing her, if all goes to plan, in a couple of weeks.
Fortunately no major highways near her, and she can't really walk more than the approx. 500 metres to the corner store, hairdresser and coffee stand. Where she functions more or less appropriately by rote.
@zappa, mum was very much like yours for the last year or so at home. As I discovered when I was sorting out her flat the local shop keepers were doing a great job at keeping an eye on her as were her friends. Sometimes you do have to wait for the major crisis. I'm glad I managed to get mum into a Care Home by deception before that happened, not that she would have agreed with me. She still thinks she is fine, even though she now appears to be living sometime in the 1930s.
Drat. Just got off phone (briefly! I set a timer) with Mom and it's as usual. Stepdad gave good news that scan says he's cancer-free except for a tiny area; Mom made dark suggestions about a lymph node. She also told me she is seeing through clouds of blood but no one can find the cause, and so she has no night vision anymore. Told of my possible glaucoma (after she asked), she told me that she had a former patient who developed glaucoma just that way and she doesn't know if it was permanent. I am in SUCH a cheerful mood now!
Don't you love it when people tell you gloomy stories about other people who had your condition? "My aunt had your type of cancer, and she went through 12 months of agony, before dying in excruciating pain. It's a small world, isn't it?"
On a more serious note, prayers for @jedijudy, and Mother Jedi.
Thank you all! It sure makes my heart happier to have you all in my corner!
Zappa, like with your AP, Mom knows how to hide her condition when it suits her. My cousin came to visit two weeks ago, and I warned him and his wife about the Alzheimer's. Mom and Dad were so pleased to have them in their home for a couple of hours, and we all had a great time! Afterwards, at my house, they said that Mom seems fine to them. Just a few hours later, Mom had no idea who those people were that had visited, even when I explained their relationship.
I guess it can be a good sign that there is some memory left of how to be in conversation with people. Although, come to think of it, my dad and cousin were doing the most of the talking.
My Dad really hated having to lock the door or Mum would go out looking for her parent's house. Mum always relied on her own perceptiveness to make sense of the world. So if you did not know something was wrong you would not guess. Her cock-up with me was to tell me three different stories about how a neighbour happened to find her and help her home. None of them matched the story the neighbour told.
It’s called host/hostess mode when someone with dementia can put on a ‘good show’ for people they don’t see often, specially professionals such as doctors. My mum was good at it, but as I knew all her stories I could tell when she’d conflated two events or people into something that sounded credible though it wasn’t. She was once absolutely charming to an occupational therapist from the memory clinic. When she’d gone I took mum out for coffee and she said it think I said the right things to get her off my back.’ Well not quite, it was obvious mum didn’t understand all the questions she was asked, though she did present a lot better than she actually was.
Mrs S, I am another who feels that the Dowager was someone I knew. The Intrepid family is in my prayers.
jedijudy, what a horrible, worrying experience.
My mother is still reporting to me that Dad is having "moments of confusion" although the incidents, as reported to me, sound like my everyday life. The latest was "we were driving to Tesco, and your father indicated left to go to Asda, having forgotten we were going to Tesco."
Everything seems fine when I visit, but as others have said on this thread, Dad may well hold it together better when I'm there.
Went to see Mum today. She was awake most of the time and pretty talkative. I would say about a third of the time she babbled in English and I could make pretty sensible replies, a third of the time she babbled in Afrikaans and I could distinguish the words sounds but not what they meant and a third of the time she just babbled. Three communications happened.
When I asked her if she wanted her music on she definitely said 'yes' and even asked for it 'louder'.
She uncovered her toes and I tickled her 'totsies' and she claimed she had 'the best totsies in the World' which brought out laughter in both of us.
Finally she put her hand on my head and said 'bless you'.
Apart from that in many ways it was something like dealing with a six month old. She spent a good time putting a fiddle toy my sister had made into a travel mug I had brought and most of the rest fiddling with the duvet including trying to stuff it into my jumper. Nothing like the woman she was, but if I accepted it at her level there was still good in it.
My symphathies to JJ and Mrs S. To Mrs S, in following your family travails I often felt - as I suspect you did - that I had to laugh otherwise I'd cry.
My own similar journey with an AP , though not so bad as either of yours is now 12 months gone, so our family is all more relaxed.
I’ve only just caught up in this thread. Mrs S I’m so sorry - your compassionate, humour-seeking posts made me feel I knew the Dowager. I’m glad she’s at peace.
Jengie Jon, I'm glad for you that you realize that those three moments in your visit with your mom were special. I know you feel the loss of the mom you know. Those moments are precious gifts. Points where you connect with her in spite of the dementia.
On a practical note, make a small sign and put it above the bed and remind others who encounter her that she likes her music and to tell her "bless you" as she did to you.
jedijudy, I hope this time passes quickly. It's a hard situation all around. Are the meds that might help her? Must be so hard for your dad.
Comments
Way back, Firenze quoted the Irish mother and lightbulb joke. I'd heard that as being a Jewish mother happy to sit in the dark.
D's son heard it in fact. D said that very thing when the bulb went. (And had never heard the joke, so wasn't being funny!)
That day was like purgatory for me and Mr S, God only knows what it was like for her.
Anyway, we both woke up - separately - at 2.30 and the call from the home came at 3 am. the carer was sitting by her side and holding her hand and she went peacefully at last. I have been mourning her loss, as regular readers will know, for years now, and it is a blessing that she can now be at rest.
However, as if life wasn't complex enough, her death means that we cannot now sell her house until probate is obtained (likely to be months). I have been pushing and pushing for exchange/completion dates, we were due to exchange on Friday, and now it is all off.
Mrs. S, now a Norphan, both sides
May she rest in peace.
With hindsight I could have used my inheritance to get the house done up in that time, and probably would have more than recouped the outlay.
Equally with hindsight I should have paid for mum to go into a nursing home for her end of life care rather than linger on a hospital ward for those last three weeks, where the staff, though very kind and caring, were so busy.
May she rest in peace, and may you and the other Intrepids find solace in knowing that a host of people who didn't know her are praying for you.
I still think we should have had an Aged Parent exchange, because other people's never seem as bad as your own!
And the comfort that this thread has brought me has been amazing - to know that so many other people were wrestling with the exact same issues was instructional and (I keep saying this) comforting.
We were worried about how the Intrepid Grandson would handle it, as he often asks when they are going to visit Great-grandma again (Miss S says it's because she always gave him chocolate!) but he announced today that they couldn't visit her any more because she was dead. Fair enough; he brought her great joy while she was alive.
Mrs. S, hugging you all
{{{{@The Intrepid Mrs S}}}}
Well said. Prayers from us for your mother, and for all of you who mourn her, each in the way suitable to them.
Same here - holding you and yours in the light.
There's so much to do - how do people who are grieving the unexpected loss of someone dear to them, someone with a whole life ahead of them - how does anyone deal with that?
I had begun to think she was indestructible - she had fought her way back from so many setbacks - that even now I can't quite believe she is gone, and we are at the beginning of the end of this particular journey.
Mrs. S, grateful for your support
Did he take his cell phone? No. Of course not.
I didn't even put on shoes and got in my car and started looking for her.
I ended up calling 911, and we had five sheriff's deputies and a helicopter looking for her. One of the deputies found her and brought her home. By that time, she claimed she had only gone for a walk.
It's getting time to put mom in a home somewhere. They can't afford a good one, and I know how terrible the ones for poor folks are. I can't stay at their house because the five cats aggravate my asthma so badly. If she can stay with me, that would solve some problems, but increase others.
TICTH Alzheimer's disease.
Is there any Shelter-type accommodation available where your parents live, where they're sort of independent, but there's a certain level of care (and security) available?
Prayers continuing to ascend.
I hope you can come up with a solution soon.
@Piglet we do have assisted living places here, but they are quite expensive.
@Sarasa , I have done the assessments for both my parents for the Area Agency on Aging. The big problem here is that we are a retirement community, and their care lists are full.
I will keep working on it! Thanks for your thoughts and help!
My sister downloaded a dementia/alzheimers questionnaire (USA based) and our AP strikes almost all cognitive warning signs - but manages brilliantly so far to disguise matters from the doctor (and my brother). Not from her care-givers. For as long as she can keep doing that I kinda figure she still has some sort of cognitive reality, so I guess, somewhat cruelly, that we just have to wait until she screws up. Which I know sounds incredibly callous.
I'll be seeing her, if all goes to plan, in a couple of weeks.
Fortunately no major highways near her, and she can't really walk more than the approx. 500 metres to the corner store, hairdresser and coffee stand. Where she functions more or less appropriately by rote.
Please don't let me be 97.
On a more serious note, prayers for @jedijudy, and Mother Jedi.
Zappa, like with your AP, Mom knows how to hide her condition when it suits her. My cousin came to visit two weeks ago, and I warned him and his wife about the Alzheimer's. Mom and Dad were so pleased to have them in their home for a couple of hours, and we all had a great time! Afterwards, at my house, they said that Mom seems fine to them. Just a few hours later, Mom had no idea who those people were that had visited, even when I explained their relationship.
I guess it can be a good sign that there is some memory left of how to be in conversation with people. Although, come to think of it, my dad and cousin were doing the most of the talking.
jedijudy, what a horrible, worrying experience.
My mother is still reporting to me that Dad is having "moments of confusion" although the incidents, as reported to me, sound like my everyday life. The latest was "we were driving to Tesco, and your father indicated left to go to Asda, having forgotten we were going to Tesco."
Everything seems fine when I visit, but as others have said on this thread, Dad may well hold it together better when I'm there.
- When I asked her if she wanted her music on she definitely said 'yes' and even asked for it 'louder'.
- She uncovered her toes and I tickled her 'totsies' and she claimed she had 'the best totsies in the World' which brought out laughter in both of us.
- Finally she put her hand on my head and said 'bless you'.
Apart from that in many ways it was something like dealing with a six month old. She spent a good time putting a fiddle toy my sister had made into a travel mug I had brought and most of the rest fiddling with the duvet including trying to stuff it into my jumper. Nothing like the woman she was, but if I accepted it at her level there was still good in it.She has taken to calling me "that woman".
My own similar journey with an AP , though not so bad as either of yours is now 12 months gone, so our family is all more relaxed.
JJ I can’t begin to imagine how that feels.
<votive> for all.
On a practical note, make a small sign and put it above the bed and remind others who encounter her that she likes her music and to tell her "bless you" as she did to you.
jedijudy, I hope this time passes quickly. It's a hard situation all around. Are the meds that might help her? Must be so hard for your dad.