@Lily Pad Mom and Dad are both on dementia meds. Dad has been diagnosed with mild dementia. He and I had a talk yesterday, and as much as it breaks his heart (and mine) he understands that Mom, or both of them, will have to be in care very soon.
I am going to ask if Mom can have an anti-anxiety medication the next time we see her doctor.
Not an AP but my older sister is in hospital having had a fall in her Care Home. A fractured hip, I think, but apart from pain relief there is not a lot they can do. Since she has been on the ward she is unable to swallow properly so is being fed puréed food from a spoon and given her drinks in a feeding cup. There is a label over her bed indicating dementia. She may have the onset of dementia, but her main problems are psychiatric. I accept she may be currently very disorientated, but she is not making any sense, cannot answer questions, just shouts out repeated phrases from time to time,
eg “ All the doctors and all the children”. “ I must go to America “ and so on. I wonder if they are not giving her her antipsychotic meds.
Yes, thank you.
She has a son who lives locally to her, and a daughter 60 miles away who is a geriatric social worker, so I am very much third in line to get news, but I did visit and saw her for myself.
Thanks JJ and LC especially ... I think the pointy end of this process is beginning. I might get my sister to scan these last few comments (she doesn't know The Ship exists and isn't an internet person so maybe I'll cut and paste and send the salient thread-thoughts to both my siblings instead) ... its good to know my AP's trajectory is following a well-trodden route however sad that is.
A fascinating aspect of this, and I'm not sure how much it's been explored back before I drifted to this thread, is the psychology of role-reversal. Transactional Analaysis and Jung and all those views of life the universal and everything have explored ad infinitum the place of parent v child in human psyches: going on the journey is different to texts, though.
My AP was (at least in my visualization) an absolute tyrant. Although my siblings were older, they were always Away™, so I was effectively a sole child. This is many decades ago, but the habits are hard. Back then I dealt with the tyranny by generating a double life ... no need to go into that here. In recent years as AP became very frail the tyranny seemed to abate. I could even come away from a visit or a phone conversation feeling it had been reasonably enjoyable, or if not that at least bearable enough not to reach for some chemical or other behavioural antidote.
Although I'm hiding still behind Youngest Sibling role to some extent I know I can't much longer. Because of my Real Life Job I suspect both siblings look to some extent to me for ideas. So suddenly I have to be parent to the parent, tyrant to the tyrant. The transition is so bizarre, frightening even.
Ah well. Many of you are ahead of me on this learning curve. But I'm glad you're there. It's a shit of a journey. I shall ensure I pay forward with utter malice as I head down the journey myself in not too many years (I don't intend to live to 97, as I noted previously). I jest.
Excuse the rant. I'm trying to piece all this together, I guess. And I'm not very good at it.
Puzzler, I don't know how it is for you, but I am finding it harder with my older brother who has Parkinson's than I did with my parents. Possibly because I expected it more with them, but he is only 2 years older than me. Also, when they got sick I was more financially and physically more able to visit.
Huia, I have lived with this weirdness for about 50 years on an off, so it is not so strAnge. The difference is that I am not the closest relative as her adult children are in that role. Sometimes though, I am the only person who knows what she is talking about eg she kept saying the name of the lady who was our Headmistress. Nobody else would have known that.
Sorry to read about your brother. That must be hard.
This generational thing is bizarre. I don’t quite know where I fit.
I'm inclined to think that "generational" is the operative word here. Although I'm the youngest sibling by several years, I think it would be very hard to see my sister or brother part company with their marbles. It's something you're sort of prepared for with your parents, but in your own generation it's harder to cope with.
For the same reason, I mourned the death of my brother-in-law (11 years ago yesterday at the age of 56) more than either of my parents, who both lived to old age. When the first person of your generation dies, it highlights your own mortality, and I imagine that when dementia strikes in your own generation, it has a similar effect.
A university friend of mine has dementia. It's very hard to see; only a few years ago she was preparing to do an MA, and now she can't remember simple words.
For a while after G was diagnosed I panicked every time I forgot a word which was quite frightening, and of course meant that it took me longer to recall it.
I will always be glad that I wrote a letter on his behalf which meant he got a flat that was part of the care home where Dad had been, so when he lost it completely he was in a safe place. Also he had visited Dad regularly and the older people there regarded him as a "Good son"' so when he behaved strangely they accepted that he was unwell and were very caring.
My mother still hasn't really settled in her care home despite having been there nearly ten months. I've taken to disappearing while she is in the loo so she doesn't get distressed by my saying goodbye. That didn't happen yesterday and I could see she was getting worked up as I disappeared.
She is a puzzle cognitively speaking. She knows I'm her daughter, and mentioned that I'm a librarian (though now retired) the other day. I was really surprised when she was having her hair done yesterday that she knew when her birthday was, and that it was coming up soon. The hairdresser has a birthday a few days later and they were chatting about it. However I don't think she now knows my name, she looked totally blank when I mentioned my brother the other day and she is always asking me how my parents are. My main puzzle yesterday was when she asked me about my younger sister 'the one in the photo, all dressed in white'. I'm not sure if she's been looking at a wedding photo of herself in her room, but I haven't got a younger sister, though mum was one. Add in wanting to go home to her mum and dad and my severe deafness and conversations really don't make a lot of sense anymore.
@Sarasa I think simply being present with your mother, and responding to her statements in the moment, wherever the conversation might be, would be comforting and reassuring to her. Virtual hugs.
The Dowager's funeral is due to take place on Thursday. The prayer thread carries such a burden of real need that I don't have the heart to post there, but if you can spare a prayer for travelling mercies and no disasters I'd be immensely grateful.
The church, in the guise of the stand-in vicar, the churchwarden, and the administrator, has been magnificent; the way you dream of them being, so I have a lot of help. And my daughter in law, having lived through this with the death of her own father, has been a very real blessing.
I've been struck by the way in which The Dowager's old friends remember her, so much so that I sometimes wonder if we are talking about the same woman. I've written my Memories of her (aka the Eulogy, but I hate that word!) but we refer to it as my Thesis, because if I was ever on the laptop in her presence she would ask 'what are you doing - writing your thesis?' and I only hope that I have been fair to her.
26 Sympathy cards and no swaps - who'd have thought there was such a variety in the world?
As we near the end of this particular journey, can I thank you all for your support and care? Some of you already understand how much this means.
Prayers that all goes well on Thursday @The Intrepid Mrs S , I'm sure you'll all do the Dowager proud.
Thank you everyone for your support about my mum and I. It means a lot to me.
Mrs S, it's good that the church has been so supportive. Praying that all goes well on Thursday,
This may sound strange coming from the other end of the world, but I wish I could be there. From your posts I almost felt that I knew The Dowager, like she was an honorary Shipmate. I know it hasn't always been easy, but thank you for sharing a slice of your experiences together with us.
From your posts I almost felt that I knew The Dowager, like she was an honorary Shipmate. I know it hasn't always been easy, but thank you for sharing a slice of your experiences together with us.
I hope the funeral went as well as can be expected.
My sister is now officially an elderly bed blocker. The hospital want to discharge her because she lives in a Care Home, but the Home say they need funding for more staff to give her one to one support. She is currently bowel incontinent and not able to feed herself, but at least she is not talking rubbish any more.
The nurse who brought her meds sang a hymn which she joined in with and appreciated.
@Puzzler, hope you get something sorted for your sister soon. Maybe she needs a different home now to cope with her needs.
I’m in A&E waiting for my mother to arrive. She’s had another fall and although seems OK can’t walk so the ambulance is bringing her in to get her checked out. Fortunately A&E seems pretty quiet this morning.
Thank you all for your prayers - all went well, once we had set up an emergency rescue plan for Mr S's suit trousers, which he had managed to leave behind! The church was not as full as anticipated - the weather was horrid - but at least that meant everyone came back to the Village Hall for the most fabulous afternoon tea, provided at cost (in spite of my protests) by the ladies of the church catering committee.
The only hitch came when my lovely daughter in law, who was singing 'Be Still My Soul', caught sight of someone in tears and completely lost it. She had reached the end of verse 2 okay, but it was all Just Too Much and she had to stop - but what she did sing, touched everybody.
My 82 year old mother moved into a nursing home in November. Essentially, her back gave out and she cannot get around without the aid of a wheelchair. She is still adjusting to spending the rest of her life in an institution.
I hope the funeral went as well as can be expected.
My sister is now officially an elderly bed blocker. The hospital want to discharge her because she lives in a Care Home, but the Home say they need funding for more staff to give her one to one support. She is currently bowel incontinent and not able to feed herself, but at least she is not talking rubbish any more.
The nurse who brought her meds sang a hymn which she joined in with and appreciated.
What the home is doing is trying to get your sister's place funded by the NHS. Whether they succeed or not is an interesting question.
I hope the funeral went as well as can be expected.
My sister is now officially an elderly bed blocker. The hospital want to discharge her because she lives in a Care Home, but the Home say they need funding for more staff to give her one to one support. She is currently bowel incontinent and not able to feed herself, but at least she is not talking rubbish any more.
The nurse who brought her meds sang a hymn which she joined in with and appreciated.
What the home is doing is trying to get your sister's place funded by the NHS. Whether they succeed or not is an interesting question.
My sister is already funded by the NHS for mental health.( Her Home has about 12 vulnerable residents, some of whom need more physical support than others )So there should not be a fundamental problem, just reallocation of funds so that additional staff are available. I can’t see that my sister needs one to one 24 hours a day or even just Daytime, but she certainly needs more support than formerly. I can’t help feeling that she has decided she cannot do anything for herself any more, that she has reached that stage..... or maybe once she is back in her usual environment she will improve.
NHS has two levels of funding. The first which covers general health care is quite low. The higher rate will only come in IF she needs one to one nursing. We have been through this all with my Mum.
Glad the funeral
Went well @The Intrepid Mrs S, and I agree with @Robert Armin about emotion. @Cassia I hope your mother is settling well into her care home and that something is sorted for your sister soon @Puzzler.
My mother was in A&E for six hours being thoroughly checked over and tested. She was fine and allowed to go back to her care home, which was good news.
The staff were lovely, and so patient, which is more than can be said for me. Mum didn’t really understand the questions asked or instructions issued but that didn’t stop her being very determined to do what she wanted to do, and she was vile to anyone trying to persuade her otherwise.
She can no longer remember her date of birth and when asked her name reverted to her maiden name. It would have been her 70th wedding anniversary last Wednesday.
Today I’m off to see my mother in law. My husband did offer to go alone, but I find MiL much easier to cope with, and if I’m 120 miles away I can’t be asked to accompany mum to hospital if she does the same thing again!
Comments
I am going to ask if Mom can have an anti-anxiety medication the next time we see her doctor.
eg “ All the doctors and all the children”. “ I must go to America “ and so on. I wonder if they are not giving her her antipsychotic meds.
She has a son who lives locally to her, and a daughter 60 miles away who is a geriatric social worker, so I am very much third in line to get news, but I did visit and saw her for myself.
A fascinating aspect of this, and I'm not sure how much it's been explored back before I drifted to this thread, is the psychology of role-reversal. Transactional Analaysis and Jung and all those views of life the universal and everything have explored ad infinitum the place of parent v child in human psyches: going on the journey is different to texts, though.
My AP was (at least in my visualization) an absolute tyrant. Although my siblings were older, they were always Away™, so I was effectively a sole child. This is many decades ago, but the habits are hard. Back then I dealt with the tyranny by generating a double life ... no need to go into that here. In recent years as AP became very frail the tyranny seemed to abate. I could even come away from a visit or a phone conversation feeling it had been reasonably enjoyable, or if not that at least bearable enough not to reach for some chemical or other behavioural antidote.
Although I'm hiding still behind Youngest Sibling role to some extent I know I can't much longer. Because of my Real Life Job I suspect both siblings look to some extent to me for ideas. So suddenly I have to be parent to the parent, tyrant to the tyrant. The transition is so bizarre, frightening even.
Ah well. Many of you are ahead of me on this learning curve. But I'm glad you're there. It's a shit of a journey. I shall ensure I pay forward with utter malice as I head down the journey myself in not too many years (I don't intend to live to 97, as I noted previously). I jest.
Excuse the rant. I'm trying to piece all this together, I guess. And I'm not very good at it.
Sorry to read about your brother. That must be hard.
This generational thing is bizarre. I don’t quite know where I fit.
For the same reason, I mourned the death of my brother-in-law (11 years ago yesterday at the age of 56) more than either of my parents, who both lived to old age. When the first person of your generation dies, it highlights your own mortality, and I imagine that when dementia strikes in your own generation, it has a similar effect.
I will always be glad that I wrote a letter on his behalf which meant he got a flat that was part of the care home where Dad had been, so when he lost it completely he was in a safe place. Also he had visited Dad regularly and the older people there regarded him as a "Good son"' so when he behaved strangely they accepted that he was unwell and were very caring.
She is a puzzle cognitively speaking. She knows I'm her daughter, and mentioned that I'm a librarian (though now retired) the other day. I was really surprised when she was having her hair done yesterday that she knew when her birthday was, and that it was coming up soon. The hairdresser has a birthday a few days later and they were chatting about it. However I don't think she now knows my name, she looked totally blank when I mentioned my brother the other day and she is always asking me how my parents are. My main puzzle yesterday was when she asked me about my younger sister 'the one in the photo, all dressed in white'. I'm not sure if she's been looking at a wedding photo of herself in her room, but I haven't got a younger sister, though mum was one. Add in wanting to go home to her mum and dad and my severe deafness and conversations really don't make a lot of sense anymore.
The church, in the guise of the stand-in vicar, the churchwarden, and the administrator, has been magnificent; the way you dream of them being, so I have a lot of help. And my daughter in law, having lived through this with the death of her own father, has been a very real blessing.
I've been struck by the way in which The Dowager's old friends remember her, so much so that I sometimes wonder if we are talking about the same woman. I've written my Memories of her (aka the Eulogy, but I hate that word!) but we refer to it as my Thesis, because if I was ever on the laptop in her presence she would ask 'what are you doing - writing your thesis?' and I only hope that I have been fair to her.
26 Sympathy cards and no swaps - who'd have thought there was such a variety in the world?
As we near the end of this particular journey, can I thank you all for your support and care? Some of you already understand how much this means.
Mrs. S, organising for all she's worth
Thank you everyone for your support about my mum and I. It means a lot to me.
This may sound strange coming from the other end of the world, but I wish I could be there. From your posts I almost felt that I knew The Dowager, like she was an honorary Shipmate. I know it hasn't always been easy, but thank you for sharing a slice of your experiences together with us.
Yes. This. Thank you, Mrs S.
My sister is now officially an elderly bed blocker. The hospital want to discharge her because she lives in a Care Home, but the Home say they need funding for more staff to give her one to one support. She is currently bowel incontinent and not able to feed herself, but at least she is not talking rubbish any more.
The nurse who brought her meds sang a hymn which she joined in with and appreciated.
I’m in A&E waiting for my mother to arrive. She’s had another fall and although seems OK can’t walk so the ambulance is bringing her in to get her checked out. Fortunately A&E seems pretty quiet this morning.
Thank you all for your prayers - all went well, once we had set up an emergency rescue plan for Mr S's suit trousers, which he had managed to leave behind! The church was not as full as anticipated - the weather was horrid - but at least that meant everyone came back to the Village Hall for the most fabulous afternoon tea, provided at cost (in spite of my protests) by the ladies of the church catering committee.
The only hitch came when my lovely daughter in law, who was singing 'Be Still My Soul', caught sight of someone in tears and completely lost it. She had reached the end of verse 2 okay, but it was all Just Too Much and she had to stop - but what she did sing, touched everybody.
Deo Gratias for many mercies
What the home is doing is trying to get your sister's place funded by the NHS. Whether they succeed or not is an interesting question.
My sister is already funded by the NHS for mental health.( Her Home has about 12 vulnerable residents, some of whom need more physical support than others )So there should not be a fundamental problem, just reallocation of funds so that additional staff are available. I can’t see that my sister needs one to one 24 hours a day or even just Daytime, but she certainly needs more support than formerly. I can’t help feeling that she has decided she cannot do anything for herself any more, that she has reached that stage..... or maybe once she is back in her usual environment she will improve.
Went well @The Intrepid Mrs S, and I agree with @Robert Armin about emotion.
@Cassia I hope your mother is settling well into her care home and that something is sorted for your sister soon @Puzzler.
My mother was in A&E for six hours being thoroughly checked over and tested. She was fine and allowed to go back to her care home, which was good news.
The staff were lovely, and so patient, which is more than can be said for me. Mum didn’t really understand the questions asked or instructions issued but that didn’t stop her being very determined to do what she wanted to do, and she was vile to anyone trying to persuade her otherwise.
She can no longer remember her date of birth and when asked her name reverted to her maiden name. It would have been her 70th wedding anniversary last Wednesday.
Today I’m off to see my mother in law. My husband did offer to go alone, but I find MiL much easier to cope with, and if I’m 120 miles away I can’t be asked to accompany mum to hospital if she does the same thing again!