I've been avoiding this thread for just this reason - it seems awful to be relieved at your own mother's death, but I felt at the time that, at least, nothing worse could happen to her.
So sad for you all, struggling with this conundrum...
{{{hugs}}} to all who cannot go and see their loved ones. I'm still on to go and see mum tomorrow and killing two birds with one stone do an activity as they can't have their usual Elvis impersonators, pet therapists in. Making up mad poems is a poor substitute but at least it would be different for them. Many of the more able residents are used to taking themselves out for walks or visits to the theatre and museums and must be going stir crazy. I fully expect to be told the advice has changed though and I won't be able to visit.
Thank-fully I don't have to kill my father just yet. The assessment service assessed him in our presence 2 weeks ago with great resistance, but the assessor knew what she was doing with such a man. Then a bath bench came and he complied with the fitting of it two days ago, and the Home Care Aide showered him up yesterday. He said that it was "okay". The next is foot care.
That's good news, Np_Np. It's never easy trying to help a stubborn person.
Jengie Jon, I'm so sorry. There's a huge lump in my throat from reading your heartbreaking post.
I had to take my mom to the emergency room last Thursday. She had been sick, not eating or drinking (unless I made her take sips of water) for over a week, and she was sleeping most of the time. Our doctor, who is always so good about working us in when we call, was so overwhelmed that we couldn't go to her office for three days. She sent us straight to the ER, and if it wouldn't have been absolutely imperative, I would have begged to just take her home. It's a good thing we went, because Mom has a dangerous UTI. I'll spare you the gory details. Anyway, she was given a strong antibiotic and is doing much better! Still not eating much, but she's alert, which is a good thing. I'm just hoping we didn't come in contact with anyone at the hospital who might have the virus.
I had to call off the visits to Mom. We did not want to pick the virus up in transit and then give it to her and the other people there. We hope to be able to make it down there sometime in June, depending on if this pandemic breaks by that time.
I am feeling a fraud. You see we have been losing Mum by stages for over a decade to Alzheimer's. The last four years have been really hard and the wreck of a woman that is now my Mum bears little semblance to the active seventy-five years old who was ready-hearted, quick-witted and supple-bodied. At seventy-five she could still fall like a toddler then and did so on more than one occasion. She could appraise a situation and fix what was wrong in the time it took most people to draw breath. Where Dad was the listener, mum was the fixer and dispenser of wisdom. The present wreck can still speak but not coherently, can't walk or eat and has had mood swings that were both violent and unpredictable. It is difficult to say how I feel. I hope she is safe and well cared for after all she is still my mum but in some ways it is easier to leave it to other people.
It's so hard to see one's once-vibrant and witty parent descend into the hell of dementia or Alzheimer's. Try and have faith that your mum's in the best place she can be, and being looked after by people who know what they're doing - I know I took comfort from that thought when my mum was in a similar situation.
{{{@Jengie}}}
I had a fun time at mum's care home doing a poetry session yesterday. As they'd stopped all outside entertainment I was doubling up as visiting relative and entertainer. I was due in to carry on on Saturday, but yesterday afternoon the home decided to close to all visitors. I didn't actually spend a lot of time with mum, though I did manage to take her to go and have her hair done after the poetry session.
My mother is now a shadow of the woman she was. She knows who I am, but little of what she says now makes sense and her mobility is getting very poor. I just hope this lock down doesn't last too long, as I don't think it will be too long till she passes to the next stage of this vile disease, and won't have a clue who I am.
@Jengie Jon you know I can empathise with you, though I didn't have to bear it as long as you. At least you know she is safe, she is well looked after, and she has passed beyond what @Sarasa and I have both had, which was 'no-one else can do it for me, and you must, because you're my daughter'.
You have been mourning your mother's loss every day, I imagine, so don't feel a fraud. Those of us whose mothers have died bearing little or no resemblance to the women we loved, and who loved us so dearly, have a real struggle to remember the happy times - after my mother The Dowager's funeral, I remarked to Mr. S that I felt dreadful guilt - everyone there had loved her much more than I did. But that's an illusion. I still catch myself thinking 'I need to worry about Mum'.
This coming Mothering Sunday will be very strange (apart from not seeing any child or grandchild, sob) no need to scour the shops for a card that does NOT say Mother's Day or try and think what other than flowers would have brightened her day.
Still, I'm lucky in that we were able to have a real funeral and memorial service...
@Jengie Jon that sounds horrific. Prayers etc are with you
I saw my mum by Skype last night for the first time in three months: this is her first practical experience of the device (!) She looked awful and I found it difficult to keep the shock off my face. Chemotherapy and illness have aged her 10 years in three months. Some of that will fade as she recovers; some won't. I just needed to say it among people who will understand. I am feeling very heavy-hearted this morning, and unable to focus on anything else.
Thank you @The Intrepid Mrs S for your sensible words. You've articulated what I was struggling to say. @ThunderBunk , glad you could use Skype, but sorry your mother is taking such a battering.
@ThunderBunk no-one looks their best on Skype! She may really not look as bad IRL. We have been reading bedtime stories to The Intrepid Grandson over FaceTime, I really hope I don't look like the old witch gazing out at me from the phone screen
Thank you everyone for your kind words. Today I had the further joy of arranging for the delivery of flowers which I should have been able to go and buy myself. This was a curiously sobering moment.
Sending hugs to all struggling through this dismal time. Wishing the best of care for all our loved ones, and hoping that caregivers, whether remote or local, will also care for themselves.
Prayers for all. Mrs Zappa (sen) is socially isolated except for visiting care givers, and I just hope they are washing properly as she is certainly likely to be vulnerable. My brother and sister have seized the day and I believe are going through her finances and especially taxes so I hope they sort her muddle out ... I'm stuck on the other side of the world but probably couldn't help anyway.
Arghh. Of all the times my disabled AP, who lives 2 hours away from me and 3 hours away from my brother, could get ill and have a fall, why now? If I go and stay with her when she's discharged, will it be weeks, not days, before I can go home? And a lecture from Mum's neighbour about how my brother and 'need to start doing more for your Mum'* was most welcome this evening after a day travelling up to Cambridge and back sorting stuff out.
*I was planning to visit Mum yesterday, but she asked us to stay away as she was self-isolating :-(
aghhh @Tina. That is such a tricky one, and 'helpful' neighbours really don't make things better. Hope you can get something sorted. In 'normal' times, I'd suggest a bit of respite after she comes out if hospital, but at the moment that doesn't seem likely. I hope you and your brother can sort something out.
Thanks all. It feels better today - the announcement last night* means husband and I can go together to stay at Mum's for a couple of days if needed (and hospital/care agency approved). I don't drive, and had visions of going up alone by train and then being stuck in lockdown at Mum's for 3 months with husband still in London.
*But please Chancellor, can you hurry up and announce provisions for the self-employed, pretty please?
So. Mum was discharged yesterday. We offered to go and stay with her, but she asked us not to because of infection risk. Half an hour ago had a call from S, a friend who does home-help for Mum, saying 'You need to get up here, there's 5 ambulances outside your mum's.' Was able to speak to paramedic who explained that Mum has hurt her knee, and the numerous paramedics were needed because a) she has very poor mobility, b) she's quite large, c) she was upstairs (she has a stair lift to her bedroom). Paramedic's advice to me was stay put, phone hospital in a couple of hours for an update - no visitors allowed at hospital at all now. Feeling that Mum is no longer safe at home alone, wondering where we go from here. She recently stayed in a lovely care home while her house was redecorated, but I don't know if they'd be taking anyone in in the current situation.
@Tina that does not sound good. I hope you can get her into a care home, but I guess it is going to be tricky. However I would think trying to get elderly people out of hospital would be a priority, so I wonder if pressure will be applied on homes to take people in if they have spaces.
How are everyone else's Aged Ps doing? Mum's care home is posting tons on Facebook to assure us that our loved ones are fine. Latest one of mum was of her sipping a G&T! Someone also donated a load of fresh food when their business (I guess café/restaurant) had to close down. As mum's care home is in a well heeled bit of London I thought maybe that food should have been donated elsewhere, then I read that some care homes are struggling to get supplies.
My Aged Ps are doing well. They're self isolating, they've had notes through the door from two neighbours offering help, and a bunch of daffodils on their doorstep from another neighbour, my brother is nearby and I got a Tesco delivery to them yesterday. I'm phoning once or twice a day and they're getting phone calls from other people, too. They're feeling very supported.
However my aunt, whom I've suspected for some time is in the early stages of dementia, is still heading to the supermarket every day, despite offers to have shopping left on her doorstep.
My mother is now a shadow of the woman she was. She knows who I am, but little of what she says now makes sense and her mobility is getting very poor. I just hope this lock down doesn't last too long, as I don't think it will be too long till she passes to the next stage of this vile disease, and won't have a clue who I am.
It is very hard for you, but not so for your mother. She may have some anxiety to start with, but as the disease progresses she will have no real idea of what has happened to her. She will briefly know that she's comfortable in her chair and may well have that brief thought many times. We went through this with Madame's father - he was worried and uncomfortable to start with, but as the disease deepened his anxiety went. To put it another way, you become unhappy when you can remember better times; when you can't remember them, your unhappiness goes.
Prayers for you as you go through this difficult time.
My mother called the moment I pulled into the driveway after going to do a podcast at work. We had some fumbling of the "You called me" "No, you called me!" "No.." and so on, which was awkward, and she finally settled on "your purse must have dialed me." I gave up the argument and let her be right.
The most notable bit of the 40 minute conversation (in the car) was being told that she had had a 102 F temperature last week, but that it was gone again. I presume this is why my stepfather was dropping so many hints about me calling her, though it does not explain why she failed to pick up or return the call.
Ugh.
Other than that, it wasn't warm, but it wasn't horrible either. Though to be sure I was admonished several times to call her, as "she never knows what I'm doing" and thus can't be expected to call me.
Tina if your Mum is not safe at home then the NHS can not send her home. That is a legal requirement. It is out of your hands. Sorry. We have been there with both of my parents in the last three years. Sorry
The tyranny of distance has meant my recent visit to AP was my only visit in twelve months. So I can't entirely blame SARS-Covid 19 or whatever its latest name is for that. But I don't feel good about it.
I do feel relieved for her, though. Stubborn, she would ignore all warnings if she could. She resents help and believes she can conquer all. I guess at 97 some rather circumstantial evidence is on her side but it won't be for ever.
So I worry when I hear her cough on the phone. And then I realize that's silly. At 97 she's been raspy for a couple of years, long before this Nasty Little Bugger™ snuck out of a bat in Wuhan. But I do hope the Aged Care visitors who she resents so much ("they're just coming to see if I'm still alive and of course I am without their interference") are scrubbing and masking properly because from what I can see Covid-19 is a shit of a way to die . I'd prefer to be there for her if possible when that happens.
@Zappa , I came to the conclusion that my mother the Dowager didn't ever expect to die of anything. I think she genuinely believed that dying was something that happened to other people - so much so that when she suddenly announced one evening that she thought she was going to die soon, staff at the care home promptly rang the paramedics.
She was not wrong, either.
I really hope that there is an easy, non-Covid related exit for your AP.
Agree @The Intrepid Mrs S , my mother has always thought dying was an optional extra. It's hard @zappa when you are so far away from your mother and at present couldn't get there. At least my mother is only two miles away and if anything happened I know they'd let me see her. Can you send he lots of cheerful postcards or similar?
My mostly blind father is locked in his room. Supper dropped to door by staff. Buying him the rest. He's existing on oatmeal, lentils, sardines, bananas, chocolate meal replacement drinks and eggs. Because that's what I can get. Vegetables come with supper. I show up with bleach water (1 part bleach, 9 parts waste) in a spray bottle and sanitize the groceries. I wonder about bringing him into our house. If COVID19 gets into the residence..
I had a call from AP yesterday ... she calls randomly which is fine, and usually beats me to it ...
"I had a lovely long phone call from someone just now. We talked for a long time. I don't know who she was but she seemed to know all about me. Lovely person. I think she was a nurse or something."
Deciding I wouldn't directly ferret out clues to find out who it was I decided to use the subtle interrogation technique. "Oh? Lovely. What did you talk about?"
"I don't know, I can't remember. But she was lovely. I think she was a nurse or something."
Oh well. I do know one midwife in Auckland who knows my AP, who has done for 50+ years, and whose mother was AP's closest friend. Not that she ever really had friends, as she used to devour them. But it was kinda sad, because a Moment™ in her day had slid into meaninglessness, devoid of reference points. A cold-caller apparently rang her straight afterwards and scoured her virtual wallet for lots more money. "He was such a nice man."
Her voice was terribly frail and her conversation somewhat bewildered, even over and above the phone call reports.
I took Mom and Dad on a long car ride today, partly to give their lovely cleaning lady some peace, and also to get them out of the house for the first time in two weeks, which was the last time LCL was there.
Afterward, we ate lunch at my house, then I took them home to help with computer stuff, and to write a shopping list for them. As I was looking at food supplies, there in the pantry was a can with paper towel and the can lid on top. It was an open can of Mom's favorite soup, with a quarter inch of white mold on it. They were shocked when I told them that the uneaten portion has to go into the refrigerator.
This is such a bad time for them to be losing their cognitive functions more quickly. Since we're social distancing, I am not there every day like normal, and if they had to go to an elder care facility, that would not be possible right now. This is complicated, and really, really stinks.
Fully agree, jedijudy. I am trying to face up tonight to the fact that in all probability I will not be able to be with my sister when she identifies the body nor be at Mum's funeral.
Covid-19 really does make looking after our APs 100 times more difficult than it already was, and it wasn't easy in the first place. Hope you can sort something out for your parents @jedijudy . Is there the equivalent of meals on wheels where you are, though I guess even if there is they are probably not taking on new clients at the moment. @Jengie Jon , sorry that you can't be there for your mum. @zappa., do you think that phone call might have been someone from the local doctor's surgery or social services checking how your mum is. Anyway you can phone and find out? It sounds like she should be on their radar anyway.
My mum seems OK as far as I can tell from the pictures I've seen on Facebook.
@Sarasa they actually got Meals on Wheels for a bit...and absolutely refused to eat them. I don't know why. The turkey at Thanksgiving looked and smelled really good! (You posted a good idea!)
My sister was pretty much demanding that they go stay with her. M&D are adamant that they will not, and I agree with them. My sister just has no clue how to care for them and leaves frequently to visit her kids or gallivant to the ends of the earth. I don't think it has dawned on her that she would not be able to go anywhere if M&D were with her.
@Sarasa ... no .. confirmed today that the phone call was from the family friend in Auckland. The problem is that said family friend has memories of a happy chat with a totally together and highly articulate 97 year old. The 97 old on the other hand has only vague recollection of a phone call and no idea who she was talking to or what it was about.
And that's the trouble with her growing dementia. She can fool health services (or fire them, which she does) and fool others, but her reality grasps are crumbling into confusion.
@Jengie Jon, I am so sorry. These are tough times.
Nope! Spoke to her this evening and she sounds stronger and clearer - and has just remembered she has a thing called online banking. Hopefully she'll check her accounts.
In case you missed it on the prayer thread, Mum died last night. Everything is happening a lot faster than with Dad; may be due to Covid-19. I think, hire cars are still bookable at least for essential travel and I will therefore try and book one to get to the funeral.
Comments
So sad for you all, struggling with this conundrum...
Jengie Jon, I'm so sorry. There's a huge lump in my throat from reading your heartbreaking post.
I had to take my mom to the emergency room last Thursday. She had been sick, not eating or drinking (unless I made her take sips of water) for over a week, and she was sleeping most of the time. Our doctor, who is always so good about working us in when we call, was so overwhelmed that we couldn't go to her office for three days. She sent us straight to the ER, and if it wouldn't have been absolutely imperative, I would have begged to just take her home. It's a good thing we went, because Mom has a dangerous UTI. I'll spare you the gory details. Anyway, she was given a strong antibiotic and is doing much better! Still not eating much, but she's alert, which is a good thing. I'm just hoping we didn't come in contact with anyone at the hospital who might have the virus.
It's so hard to see one's once-vibrant and witty parent descend into the hell of dementia or Alzheimer's. Try and have faith that your mum's in the best place she can be, and being looked after by people who know what they're doing - I know I took comfort from that thought when my mum was in a similar situation.
I had a fun time at mum's care home doing a poetry session yesterday. As they'd stopped all outside entertainment I was doubling up as visiting relative and entertainer. I was due in to carry on on Saturday, but yesterday afternoon the home decided to close to all visitors. I didn't actually spend a lot of time with mum, though I did manage to take her to go and have her hair done after the poetry session.
My mother is now a shadow of the woman she was. She knows who I am, but little of what she says now makes sense and her mobility is getting very poor. I just hope this lock down doesn't last too long, as I don't think it will be too long till she passes to the next stage of this vile disease, and won't have a clue who I am.
You have been mourning your mother's loss every day, I imagine, so don't feel a fraud. Those of us whose mothers have died bearing little or no resemblance to the women we loved, and who loved us so dearly, have a real struggle to remember the happy times - after my mother The Dowager's funeral, I remarked to Mr. S that I felt dreadful guilt - everyone there had loved her much more than I did. But that's an illusion. I still catch myself thinking 'I need to worry about Mum'.
This coming Mothering Sunday will be very strange (apart from not seeing any child or grandchild, sob) no need to scour the shops for a card that does NOT say Mother's Day or try and think what other than flowers would have brightened her day.
Still, I'm lucky in that we were able to have a real funeral and memorial service...
You're all in my thoughts, bless you all xxx
I saw my mum by Skype last night for the first time in three months: this is her first practical experience of the device (!) She looked awful and I found it difficult to keep the shock off my face. Chemotherapy and illness have aged her 10 years in three months. Some of that will fade as she recovers; some won't. I just needed to say it among people who will understand. I am feeling very heavy-hearted this morning, and unable to focus on anything else.
(Thank you @Sarasa )
*I was planning to visit Mum yesterday, but she asked us to stay away as she was self-isolating :-(
*But please Chancellor, can you hurry up and announce provisions for the self-employed, pretty please?
How are everyone else's Aged Ps doing? Mum's care home is posting tons on Facebook to assure us that our loved ones are fine. Latest one of mum was of her sipping a G&T! Someone also donated a load of fresh food when their business (I guess café/restaurant) had to close down. As mum's care home is in a well heeled bit of London I thought maybe that food should have been donated elsewhere, then I read that some care homes are struggling to get supplies.
Glad to hear she's doing well, and prayers continuing for you and your mum, Tina.
However my aunt, whom I've suspected for some time is in the early stages of dementia, is still heading to the supermarket every day, despite offers to have shopping left on her doorstep.
It is very hard for you, but not so for your mother. She may have some anxiety to start with, but as the disease progresses she will have no real idea of what has happened to her. She will briefly know that she's comfortable in her chair and may well have that brief thought many times. We went through this with Madame's father - he was worried and uncomfortable to start with, but as the disease deepened his anxiety went. To put it another way, you become unhappy when you can remember better times; when you can't remember them, your unhappiness goes.
Prayers for you as you go through this difficult time.
The most notable bit of the 40 minute conversation (in the car) was being told that she had had a 102 F temperature last week, but that it was gone again. I presume this is why my stepfather was dropping so many hints about me calling her, though it does not explain why she failed to pick up or return the call.
Ugh.
Other than that, it wasn't warm, but it wasn't horrible either. Though to be sure I was admonished several times to call her, as "she never knows what I'm doing" and thus can't be expected to call me.
We're on lockdown, and she knows this.
Arrrrgghhhh!
Sympathising with Lamb Chopped's 'Arrrrgghhhh!', and with all of us who can't visit our APs at the moment.
I do feel relieved for her, though. Stubborn, she would ignore all warnings if she could. She resents help and believes she can conquer all. I guess at 97 some rather circumstantial evidence is on her side but it won't be for ever.
So I worry when I hear her cough on the phone. And then I realize that's silly. At 97 she's been raspy for a couple of years, long before this Nasty Little Bugger™ snuck out of a bat in Wuhan. But I do hope the Aged Care visitors who she resents so much ("they're just coming to see if I'm still alive and of course I am without their interference") are scrubbing and masking properly because from what I can see Covid-19 is a shit of a way to die
She was not wrong, either.
I really hope that there is an easy, non-Covid related exit for your AP.
"I had a lovely long phone call from someone just now. We talked for a long time. I don't know who she was but she seemed to know all about me. Lovely person. I think she was a nurse or something."
Deciding I wouldn't directly ferret out clues to find out who it was I decided to use the subtle interrogation technique. "Oh? Lovely. What did you talk about?"
"I don't know, I can't remember. But she was lovely. I think she was a nurse or something."
Oh well. I do know one midwife in Auckland who knows my AP, who has done for 50+ years, and whose mother was AP's closest friend. Not that she ever really had friends, as she used to devour them. But it was kinda sad, because a Moment™ in her day had slid into meaninglessness, devoid of reference points. A cold-caller apparently rang her straight afterwards and scoured her virtual wallet for lots more money. "He was such a nice man."
Her voice was terribly frail and her conversation somewhat bewildered, even over and above the phone call reports.
Afterward, we ate lunch at my house, then I took them home to help with computer stuff, and to write a shopping list for them. As I was looking at food supplies, there in the pantry was a can with paper towel and the can lid on top. It was an open can of Mom's favorite soup, with a quarter inch of white mold on it. They were shocked when I told them that the uneaten portion has to go into the refrigerator.
This is such a bad time for them to be losing their cognitive functions more quickly. Since we're social distancing, I am not there every day like normal, and if they had to go to an elder care facility, that would not be possible right now. This is complicated, and really, really stinks.
Covid-19 just makes hard times harder.
@Jengie Jon , sorry that you can't be there for your mum.
@zappa., do you think that phone call might have been someone from the local doctor's surgery or social services checking how your mum is. Anyway you can phone and find out? It sounds like she should be on their radar anyway.
My mum seems OK as far as I can tell from the pictures I've seen on Facebook.
@Sarasa they actually got Meals on Wheels for a bit...and absolutely refused to eat them. I don't know why. The turkey at Thanksgiving looked and smelled really good! (You posted a good idea!)
My sister was pretty much demanding that they go stay with her. M&D are adamant that they will not, and I agree with them. My sister just has no clue how to care for them and leaves frequently to visit her kids or gallivant to the ends of the earth. I don't think it has dawned on her that she would not be able to go anywhere if M&D were with her.
And that's the trouble with her growing dementia. She can fool health services (or fire them, which she does) and fool others, but her reality grasps are crumbling into confusion.
@Jengie Jon, I am so sorry. These are tough times.