Dang! My mother operated on that principle too, I'm pretty sure. Still does, actually, if you count the "don't tell X that I'm telling you this, but..." conversations, which I now suspect I'm SUPPOSED to be reporting to X, only I was too thick to realize she was after a messenger and plausible deniability all in one. Heh.
My sister and I made a pact long ago that we were never going to keep any of those bloody secrets when it came to our generation. We'd seen too many times what happened when everyone knew and nobody could speak of it.
Of course, K has gone to be with the Lord, who doesn't pull that kind of crap...
It turns out that my parents got two letters; the one that CK linked to and one from the hospital. The difficulty may have arisen because they read them in conjunction, and were referring to them as "the letter" to me.
I mucked up getting further clarity by saying "but why do you have to take Dad's temperature? Why can't he take his own temperature?" at which point the conversation disappeared down the rabbit hole of the whole "thermometers are like kettles, washing machines, ovens, dishwashers and clothes-pegs - beyond the wit of man to comprehend."
Apparently, it requires an XX chromosome to read a thermometer.
I wonder if now is the time to tell AP than no, I hadn't swerved to avoid a dog when I accidentally put her Vauxhall Viva in a ditch in 1976. I was driving batshit crazy and fishtailed out of a hairpin.
Mind you, to get a Viva going fast enough to fishtail should have scored me a medal.
But anyway I could hope she would prefer the long-established narrative and salve my guilty conscience at the same time.
She will probably say that she knew that all the time, none of the people in that street owned a dog (and never would, and then get diverted into gelling you all about that).
(moodily) at least you've GOT guilty secrets to keep from your mom, I haven't got so much as a marijuana spliff--and she keeps prying and prying, hoping to discover some Horrid Secret™ that I kept from her in my boring youth.
Wonder if I could photoshop my teenage head onto a Playboy centerfold and send it to her anonymously.
Not generally a visitor to this thread but I bought my Mum a tablet when the libraries closed so she could access their e-book collection. Mum has steadfastly refused to have anything to do with computers until the prospect of life without a book rose from the swamp dripping slime.
As we are having to solve problems remotely, she and I speak once every few days and I try to troubleshoot the tablet via phone. Fair dinkum, it's like teaching someone who has only ever ridden a horse how to ride a bike, on the phone!!! She is Mulga Bill personified!
Simon Toad my cell phone died and the alternative one is either broken or muted from my end. Various people have tried to help. I identify with your mother here, Be kind.
And thanks for Mulga Bill. Our teacher used to read Banjo Paterson's poems to the class .when I was nine or ten and I was almost word perfect on this still. I didn't realise Banjo Paterson also wrote Waltzing Matilda - amazing what you can learn from You Tube.
If the tablet is a Samsung Tab A there is a "for Dummies: ebook for it (which I currently have borrowed for the local Library.
(moodily) at least you've GOT guilty secrets to keep from your mom, I haven't got so much as a marijuana spliff--and she keeps prying and prying, hoping to discover some Horrid Secret™ that I kept from her in my boring youth.
Wonder if I could photoshop my teenage head onto a Playboy centerfold and send it to her anonymously.
Do it! :
Fortunately AP has chosen to forget the fact that I was busted for smoking marijuana that same year.
My mother used to delight in telling stories of the things I'd got up to as a teenager, and needling me about things in a way that still got me cross. She now seems to have gone back in time to the 1930s so she is more concerned that her parents are OK than anything I did as a child. That's a relief in one way, but so sad in another. Mind you due to her Care Home's lockdown I haven't spoken to her in a month.
@Lamb Chopped, have you no siblings? Even when I was in my 50s my sister would delight in telling my mother anything that put me in a bad light, whether it had happened or not.
I have a brother, whom she's quite alienated from, and my sister is with the Lord (died of cancer 18 months or so ago). That at least put a stop to a game she had of telling each of us girls how wonderful the other was, while implicitly running down the one who was listening. We used to call each other after such sessions and hand over the praise where it was due, as otherwise the one most concerned would never hear of it!
Just got an email from stepfather in response to mine asking him politely not to send me politjcal forwards as I was avoiding politics at this time to cut down stress. A mass of accusations of me getting offended over the least little thing, being ungrateful for news about Trump's plans to help my fair city (as if), a dig at my minimal facebook usage as that's where the real nastiness is, and he is wise enough to refrain, more accusations of my being far too sensitive, and a triumphal "we trust in God when we're stressed". Unlike me. A dig at my failure to comment on a virtual tour he took, a reference to my husband being pissed off with him (?) And a recommendation to seek out common ground in future communications. All in a single paragraph.
I haven't a clue how to answer this. "You're too sensitive" is the communications trump card, as it guarantees the other party will never again be heard in an unbiased way. Everything, but everything, can be excused with those words.
The other answer is "If you believe I'm too sensitive, why do you continue to do things you know upset me, such as forward political emails? It seems to me as if you are being deliberately unpleasant and if you continue I will assume that you are doing this on purpose."
I thought he was, too, but here we are. And to be honest its a rare email of his that doesn't criticize some aspect of my life, usually under the guise of telling me how to manage my marriage ("Go on trips!" No dinero, dude ) or my relationship with my mother ("why don't you call her, here's her phone no. For the eleventy-billionth time, never mind she's bricked her phone AGAIN and doesn't answer messages,
Please don't take this the wrong way, but as far as my own relationships go, email just doesn't work. If anyone were to email me like that and consider it to be meaningful conversation, their phone would be ringing seconds after receiving it. I don't accept that type of email and I have never been successful at carrying on a conversation that way.
I wished my parents had been interested enough in their kids' lives to needle them and want to know dirt about them. YMMV but I've felt engagement and negative attention is worse than not being interested. Dunno, haven't got a comparison. I'm 10 years in to taking care of a blind man who becomes more helpless every month. What does one do however? Parent him as I was not parented. And probably an annoyance to my children as some of you describe your AP.
Please don't take this the wrong way, but as far as my own relationships go, email just doesn't work. If anyone were to email me like that and consider it to be meaningful conversation, their phone would be ringing seconds after receiving it. I don't accept that type of email and I have never been successful at carrying on a conversation that way.
He flat out refuses to do phone calls. Text (long, LONG fucking texts, of the sort that can't possibly be answered on such a tiny keyboard) or email, that's the only way he'll communicate. If I call him, he hands me to my mother ASAP. And you all know how that goes by now.
I wished my parents had been interested enough in their kids' lives to needle them and want to know dirt about them. YMMV but I've felt engagement and negative attention is worse than not being interested. Dunno, haven't got a comparison. I'm 10 years in to taking care of a blind man who becomes more helpless every month. What does one do however? Parent him as I was not parented. And probably an annoyance to my children as some of you describe your AP.
NP, I'm sorry. That totally sucks. But no, you don't want my life either--they don't even know I'm disabled. They say they want to know, but then they shut me down on every topic I start. Unless it's gossip. Which I won't.
Oh it's all right you know. Everything is right in the end, which is a cliché but truth: all that's wrong will be made right. Then other part is to play forward and not backwards (playing it both directions is something for eternity, not for us trapped in linear time , if you get me) Hence, my children being annoyed with me, except I've also asked them to please give me instructions. So we're fairly balanced. I just have to shut the F up about grandchildren (which we don't have); I knew one grandparent dimly until age 6, the others died before I formed memories.
Back to AP. The Big Deal right now is bananas. He told me he has 6 and but needs another dozen, just to be sure he has a supply. Arranging that. If he wants bananas, he may have them. Must needs to eat one a day. I've been clearing out the expired ones via instructions.
Expired ones can be thrown in the fridge as is and used for banana bread later. I've noticed my son obtains a couple bunches of bananas at a time and then mysteriously loses the desire for them, oh noes... only to have it magically revive once I declare there's nothing for it but to make banana bread.
Oh, AP-Zappa's bananas just rot on the bench. Though now she has her twice daily visitations I suspect the visitors surreptish them away when they get too furry.
AP rang me twice a few hours apart on Saturday, needless to say forgetting the first conversation had ever happened (even though it was identical). But loneliness is a shit, and I can make allowances for that.
I suspect we all have our own version of family hell which we know is worse than anyone else's. I often have a sort of argument with a friend about who is worse off. His mother died when he was 10, at which point his father became an abusive alcoholic. But he has a great sister. Whereas my parents were lovely but my sister is a destructive nightmare who scares me whenever she gets in touch.
The thing about @Lamb Chopped is that it may work in your favour, or it may not, but it may have helped you in the sending of it. To complete the thought: if he's abusive now, will it make it better, worse and stay the same? And that's all on him. Also, because you're the kind and decent one in the interaction, might it effect your feelings more? however he may react? My 2¢.
Prayers for you @Lamb Chopped. And sending a message like that is sometimes essential for your own protection. I can't imagine you were abusive in what you said, but being polite and truthful is important.
Dad called this morning to let me know that they'll be out of canned cat food by Monday. SMH. He keeps forgetting that deliveries take longer now, because he assumed (again) that it's one day delivery from C****.
So, I ordered the supplies, and also indicated the same should come every four weeks. Hopefully that takes care of Dad waiting until the last minute to let me know they need items.
Oh, did I tell you they have gone from four cats to seven cats????? They entice the kitties to the side door with cat food. Then they leave the door open waiting for the cats to come into the house. Then Mom rationalizes it by making up a story about the owners of the cats leaving and they didn't take the cat with them.
Oh, did I tell you that when I delivered some other supplies (they forgot to tell me that they were almost out) I stood back from the door after leaving the bag on the doorstep. When Dad opened the door, the stench of a barn wafted out.
My aged parent has been told about the virus + seems to have quite enjoyed VE Day yesterday.
But a combination of the two appears to have tipped them clean over the edge.
Today the carers were treated to AP arriving early (and dressed!) in the dining room for breakfast , followed by an unusually sociable wander through corridors and lounge and ending with a request to phone my sibling for a chat.
To my sure and certain knowledge, non of us kids have been able to talk on the phone with AP for over four years now.
Sibling phoned me.
In shock!
Tbh I was glad to hear that AP knows about The Virus now. It must be a strange strange world for them.
That's good @Ethne Alba , well I think it is. Do you think AP will continue to remember about the virus?
I haven't a clue if mum understands or not, but I had a nice phone call from one of the carers this evening to let me know mum was very happy with the flowers and small teddy bear I'd sent in for her.
Good to know your actions are appreciated @Sarasa !
Continuing to remember is always a concern isn’t it?
They might.
Then again, they might equally insist that my sibling was never phoned, that they don’t know what Anyone is talking about and anyway no one told Me about a virus.
But for today.......
Today they know.
It is enough that today has a degree of understanding about it.
I think....
... mum was very happy with the flowers and small teddy bear I'd sent in for her.
Quite right too. I've always thought you were a Good Daughter - sending your mum a teddy bear is further proof.
🐻
I was speaking to my b-i-l the other day, and the home where our mutual m-i-l lives has no cases of Covid, as they locked-down before it became compulsory, and had their staff move into accommodation on the premises (a bit hard on the staff if you ask me).
Whether my m-i-l (who has Alzheimer's) has noticed that her daughter and son-in-law are no longer visiting, and if so, has any idea why, I really don't know. Part of me rather hopes she hasn't.
Yes, I am not sure if my sister understands why we cannot visit her, especially as it is her birthday next week.
I finally managed to get through to her Home on the phone today and was pleased to hear that she is well, as are all the other residents and staff. Very reassuring.
My husband has been keen to go and visit his mum 150 miles away ever since lockdown started. I thought that it was a bad idea, and still don't think it is sensible. He has decided to try and book a car to go up on Saturday to see her. He thinks it will help his brother, her main carer, by giving him a bit of a break. However I don't really think turning up for what is basically a day (Saturday lunchtime to Sunday mid-morning) is really going to make much difference. I've told him what I think and am leaving him to it.
Mum continues to be fine in her care home. I've seen a recent photo of her looking happy, which is good. From what I can gather it sounds like they might be coming out of the other side of a very hard time with cases of Covid 19 among the residents and staff.
Hope everyone else's Aged Ps are as good as they can be.
If he wants to go, by all means he should. Connecting with his brother a bit and seeing his mother is okay will help him be reassured. This virus has done a number on everyone's mental health so anything that will help settle the worries is a good thing. Maybe send him with a care package of baking or whatever they might enjoy just to boost the enjoyment of the trip. We've been hit with a lot of sadness here with tragedies that just don't seem to end. Anything positive is a good thing.
My friend F died in G's (F's daughter) home yesterday morning.
F had been in the memory care unit at a care facility. Those particular residents did not understand why their families and friends were no longer coming to see them. F, who was full of life in February, was refusing food and only taking a spoonful of water now and again over the last week or so and sleeping almost constantly. The home would not allow G to see her mother, so G ordered a hospital bed, and arranged for nursing help then brought her mother home against the wishes of the care home.
Over one third of the memory care unit's residents have died while in lockdown. There is no known Covid in the home. I suspect broken heart syndrome, but IANAD.
There are thousands of care home residents like F who are desperately sad and feeling abandoned by their loved ones. How do we fix this? Well, we can't I guess, but my heart aches for these dear souls.
I almost think the ones who die can be considered Covid deaths, too. Perhaps some would have passed anyway, but how many died of broken hearts?
Scotland has seen an increase in deaths from Dementia / Alzheimer's. Last week we had 26 more deaths from these causes than the 5 yearly average. Plus 31% of those who died of COVID last week had dementia/Alzheimers as an underlying cause.
Both of my parents have a hard time remembering to stay distanced from others. But, at least they have each other. Well...Mom doesn't remember that Dad is her husband. She was apologizing to me, I think, about living with a "friend". It's so sad, but funny, too!
I am attacked by a feeling of definite melancholy whenever I finish a Skype conversation with my parents. Will I ever touch them again while they are at all healthy? Who knows.
The assisted living place my 92 yr old father lives has taken on the helpful role of telling him directly that he needs help. I've always known he listens to women better than men, including his son. Big change in 2 weeks. So we've gone from no help to phase one: 1x/week bathing assistance, foot care. Phase 2: 3x per week Home Care will come to help clean, he must accept lunches and must eat them and they will supervise, they will count his tablets and ensure he's taking. He is alert, he doesn't want to take, and he isn't honest about it: when he tells me he's taking medication, it isn't really a lie if he takes only once per day when it is to be twice - which I don't know - how bad a lie? He's arguing about it.
Comments
My sister and I made a pact long ago that we were never going to keep any of those bloody secrets when it came to our generation. We'd seen too many times what happened when everyone knew and nobody could speak of it.
Of course, K has gone to be with the Lord, who doesn't pull that kind of crap...
I mucked up getting further clarity by saying "but why do you have to take Dad's temperature? Why can't he take his own temperature?" at which point the conversation disappeared down the rabbit hole of the whole "thermometers are like kettles, washing machines, ovens, dishwashers and clothes-pegs - beyond the wit of man to comprehend."
Apparently, it requires an XX chromosome to read a thermometer.
Mind you, to get a Viva going fast enough to fishtail should have scored me a medal.
But anyway I could hope she would prefer the long-established narrative and salve my guilty conscience at the same time.
Wonder if I could photoshop my teenage head onto a Playboy centerfold and send it to her anonymously.
As we are having to solve problems remotely, she and I speak once every few days and I try to troubleshoot the tablet via phone. Fair dinkum, it's like teaching someone who has only ever ridden a horse how to ride a bike, on the phone!!! She is Mulga Bill personified!
And thanks for Mulga Bill. Our teacher used to read Banjo Paterson's poems to the class .when I was nine or ten and I was almost word perfect on this still. I didn't realise Banjo Paterson also wrote Waltzing Matilda - amazing what you can learn from You Tube.
If the tablet is a Samsung Tab A there is a "for Dummies: ebook for it (which I currently have borrowed for the local Library.
Do it! :
Fortunately AP has chosen to forget the fact that I was busted for smoking marijuana that same year.
I haven't a clue how to answer this. "You're too sensitive" is the communications trump card, as it guarantees the other party will never again be heard in an unbiased way. Everything, but everything, can be excused with those words.
My father once told me I was too sensitive My reply was, I don't think I am, but I can understand how convenient it would be for you to think so".
I was really glad that by the time he died we had reconciled our differences though - miss him.
He flat out refuses to do phone calls. Text (long, LONG fucking texts, of the sort that can't possibly be answered on such a tiny keyboard) or email, that's the only way he'll communicate. If I call him, he hands me to my mother ASAP. And you all know how that goes by now.
NP, I'm sorry. That totally sucks. But no, you don't want my life either--they don't even know I'm disabled. They say they want to know, but then they shut me down on every topic I start. Unless it's gossip. Which I won't.
Back to AP. The Big Deal right now is bananas. He told me he has 6 and but needs another dozen, just to be sure he has a supply. Arranging that. If he wants bananas, he may have them. Must needs to eat one a day. I've been clearing out the expired ones via instructions.
AP rang me twice a few hours apart on Saturday, needless to say forgetting the first conversation had ever happened (even though it was identical). But loneliness is a shit, and I can make allowances for that.
So, I ordered the supplies, and also indicated the same should come every four weeks. Hopefully that takes care of Dad waiting until the last minute to let me know they need items.
Oh, did I tell you they have gone from four cats to seven cats????? They entice the kitties to the side door with cat food. Then they leave the door open waiting for the cats to come into the house. Then Mom rationalizes it by making up a story about the owners of the cats leaving and they didn't take the cat with them.
Oh, did I tell you that when I delivered some other supplies (they forgot to tell me that they were almost out) I stood back from the door after leaving the bag on the doorstep. When Dad opened the door, the stench of a barn wafted out.
But a combination of the two appears to have tipped them clean over the edge.
Today the carers were treated to AP arriving early (and dressed!) in the dining room for breakfast , followed by an unusually sociable wander through corridors and lounge and ending with a request to phone my sibling for a chat.
To my sure and certain knowledge, non of us kids have been able to talk on the phone with AP for over four years now.
Sibling phoned me.
In shock!
Tbh I was glad to hear that AP knows about The Virus now. It must be a strange strange world for them.
I haven't a clue if mum understands or not, but I had a nice phone call from one of the carers this evening to let me know mum was very happy with the flowers and small teddy bear I'd sent in for her.
Continuing to remember is always a concern isn’t it?
They might.
Then again, they might equally insist that my sibling was never phoned, that they don’t know what Anyone is talking about and anyway no one told Me about a virus.
But for today.......
Today they know.
It is enough that today has a degree of understanding about it.
I think....
🐻
I was speaking to my b-i-l the other day, and the home where our mutual m-i-l lives has no cases of Covid, as they locked-down before it became compulsory, and had their staff move into accommodation on the premises (a bit hard on the staff if you ask me).
Whether my m-i-l (who has Alzheimer's) has noticed that her daughter and son-in-law are no longer visiting, and if so, has any idea why, I really don't know. Part of me rather hopes she hasn't.
I finally managed to get through to her Home on the phone today and was pleased to hear that she is well, as are all the other residents and staff. Very reassuring.
Mum continues to be fine in her care home. I've seen a recent photo of her looking happy, which is good. From what I can gather it sounds like they might be coming out of the other side of a very hard time with cases of Covid 19 among the residents and staff.
Hope everyone else's Aged Ps are as good as they can be.
F had been in the memory care unit at a care facility. Those particular residents did not understand why their families and friends were no longer coming to see them. F, who was full of life in February, was refusing food and only taking a spoonful of water now and again over the last week or so and sleeping almost constantly. The home would not allow G to see her mother, so G ordered a hospital bed, and arranged for nursing help then brought her mother home against the wishes of the care home.
Over one third of the memory care unit's residents have died while in lockdown. There is no known Covid in the home. I suspect broken heart syndrome, but IANAD.
By the way, F turned 101 last Monday.
Yes. Desperately sad reading.
I almost think the ones who die can be considered Covid deaths, too. Perhaps some would have passed anyway, but how many died of broken hearts?