Mum phoned first thing this morning, worried about me phoning the community nurse. I reassured her that I was just going to clarify the details of permissible visiting in lockdown.
I phoned the community nurse, who, it turns out, doesn't work on a Friday. I spoke to someone lovely, who is going to clarify and phone back.
My brother / sister-in-law have spoken to Mum at least three times since Tuesday, including my sister-in-law dropping off flowers and groceries at their door yesterday. Mum didn't tell them that the nurse said that we were allowed to visit either. I have a horrible feeling that this is one of Mum's embellishments.
I got a phone call back from a nurse who said that they are specifically banned from saying anything like that.
I said I thought Mum might have been upset, said she was missing me and the nurse might have said something like "Yes, it would be nice if she could visit." I emphasised that I wasn't suggesting that she had said I could visit, just that my 87 year old distressed mother thought that she had.
Whoever phoned said that she was missing her parents too, and couldn't have been nicer or more understanding.
I just hope I haven't created an issue.
I raided the cupboards and have just polished off a 150g bar of Green & Black's cooking chocolate and a strong mug of coffee.
Meh.
Good luck with establishing what is going on with your mother, LC.
Aaaaaand now Mum's upset, and saying that she hopes I haven't got their nurse into trouble.
The NE Man has calmed me down by asking which the nurse's colleagues will think is more likely:
a) that a highly trained professional broke the rules or
b) that a distressed 87 year old got muddled.
NEQ, I’d drink with you! No, there’s nobody. She’s still compos mentis and in charge of her own affairs, and rules the roost at home, and controls the flow of information with an iron hand, to the point that, when she fell and broke her hip last Thanksgiving, she sat on the floor and ordered everyone to eat before calling an ambulance—and then forbade them to say a word about what happened to me or my brother, both not present. AND THEY OBEYED.
My sister was the rational one who would secretly rebel, but she’s with the Lord.
My sister-in-law also got told a new version of what the nurse said, which was a third version. My brother phoned me about it and we had a long and anxious chat. We agreed we are both more worried about Mum than Dad.
Then we consulted the lockdown rules and reckoned that an 87 year old with some mobility issues who has been caring single-handedly for her terminally ill husband since lockdown and who isn't clear about what health professionals are telling her falls within the "vulnerable person" category. And if she doesn't qualify as a "vulnerable person" then she should!
And so we visited. It was brilliant to see my parents again; first time since Christmas Eve.
I will visit again - I think my mother is at the edge of what she can be expected to do without the sort of support she can only get from people visiting. There is support available when Dad's health deteriorates but for so long as Dad is coasting along, there doesn't seem to be any available support for his almost 88 year old carer.
SO glad you visited @North East Quine , I think that was the right thing to do. Have you checked to make sure your mum hasn't been turning down any offers of help. From what you've said in the past I bet she hates the idea of anyone else helping her with what she sees as her job.
SO glad you visited @North East Quine , I think that was the right thing to do. Have you checked to make sure your mum hasn't been turning down any offers of help. From what you've said in the past I bet she hates the idea of anyone else helping her with what she sees as her job.
I don't think she has been turning down any offers- what I think she needs is to have someone else around so that she isn't carrying the burden alone. But since this latest lockdown no-one other than the community nurse and GP have been inside their house, and they haven't the time to sit down with a cup of tea.
@North East Quine if your Mum will admit she cannot cope then ring the doctor who will then ring social services. Oddly enough if your parents like mine tend to soldier on to they can't and this becomes known to social services then it is amazing how quickly they can respond.
I think Mum can cope with the cooking, laundry and housework, and Dad is still showering / shaving etc himself, so doesn't need any personal care. I think she's just becoming overwhelmed with the anxiety of Dad's terminal illness and the isolation of lockdown. They are getting plenty of phone calls, and stuff (flowers etc) get left on their doorstep, but I think we were the first people Mum had had a cup of tea with since Christmas.
ClarenceMother has recently moved to a well run care home, for which I'm grateful. But I am hopeful also that the Commission's report will trigger changes to the hideously complex funding model. Going into a care facility requires three daily payments. One is what everyone pays and comes out of the aged care pension, one is a means tested amount which is small if one has no other money, and one is the 'daily accommodation payment' which requires the aged resident to deposit around $430,000 to provide interest for this payment.
Confused? Yes, so are we.
And what if, like ClarenceMother, you don't have $430,000? You put in whatever savings you have, sell your home (in her case a little villa in a retirement village, worth about $340k but she'll get about $190k after the village owners take all their cuts), deposit the funds and then watch them slowly diminish to pay for the daily accommodation payment because there isn't enough interest.
It's right that everyone makes a contribution towards costs if they can, but why does it have to be so fiendishly complicated and favour the wealthy (who get the $430,000 back when they leave)?
My aging father is slowly recovering from the two cardiac arrests he had a month ago. He has been quite shaken up by the brush with mortality. He has been sounding better the last few times I have spoken with him. I am hoping he may be able to attend our oldest son's birthday party on the 14. ( He was born on the Ides of March.)
@clarence, in the UK if you have the money you can chose your care home, but even the least expensive are not cheap. If you don't have the money you have to persuade social services to fund you, and fewer and fewer homes take SS rates. It's a total minefield that various governments have promised to reform. The current lot are talking about better integration of health and social care, but I don't have high hopes of a plan from them that'll work.
Glad your dad is getting better @Caissa , and I hope everyone else's aged p's are doing OK.
It's my mum's 93rd birthday tomorrow. Husband and I are off to visit her in her care home. You have to visit with a perspex screen in the way and the sound is dire. Husband and I have been practicing a birthday dance to keep her entertained. Let's hope she is in a good mood.
Yes - in one of her more lucid moments, the Dowager asked who was paying for her care home. I said that she was, but she wasn't to worry as she had plenty of money.
They she asked me how much it was costing*, and I was so surprised I told her. Nearly didn't have to pay for any more, she was so shocked!
ClarenceMother has recently moved to a well run care home, for which I'm grateful. But I am hopeful also that the Commission's report will trigger changes to the hideously complex funding model. Going into a care facility requires three daily payments. One is what everyone pays and comes out of the aged care pension, one is a means tested amount which is small if one has no other money, and one is the 'daily accommodation payment' which requires the aged resident to deposit around $430,000 to provide interest for this payment.
Confused? Yes, so are we.
And what if, like ClarenceMother, you don't have $430,000? You put in whatever savings you have, sell your home (in her case a little villa in a retirement village, worth about $340k but she'll get about $190k after the village owners take all their cuts), deposit the funds and then watch them slowly diminish to pay for the daily accommodation payment because there isn't enough interest.
It's right that everyone makes a contribution towards costs if they can, but why does it have to be so fiendishly complicated and favour the wealthy (who get the $430,000 back when they leave)?
So horrible. I have no words.
Dropped in to check up and pray through. No change with AgedMaZappa. I saw her last week. 98% lucid - just one utterly bizarre twist in the conversation. It's the siblings still who are haemorrhaging, with one threatening to head to lawyers. To what end I simply cannot fathom, though I guess as the one who has borne the brunt of the support for zero acknowledgment I can understand her frustration.
Is it wrong to ask that God whisk a very unready and life-stubborn 98 year old AgedMaZappa away painlessly in the middle of a deep sleep, you know, before the fan turns brown and drippy?
And yeah, it probably is and anyway that so rarely happens and how dare I ask when all I'm really asking is for a selfish solution.
That's a tough one. I backed down on my opposition to the retirement village five years ago, but it was done for sibling and maternal harmony. I think it was worth it, though the current loss of the thousands of dollars to ClarenceMother and her care is hard to face up to.
My mother was dragged kicking & screaming off the stage of life at 71 ( no that’s an exaggeration but she threw in the towel right at the end). She was understandably narked that she & Sister Death had differing views about her allotted span: she was after all the daughter and niece of a gaggle of nonagenarians.
It was a blessing. She would have hated extreme old age and decrepitude (with marbles intact) as her mother had done.
Gosh, @Sojourner , your idea of 'really old' differs from mine, maybe because I'm almost 70 myself! I mean 'really old' as in The Dowager, nearer 96 than 95 when she finally gave in; her older sister, likewise; and now Zappa's AP who is I think 98 - to them seems not to be allocated the blessing of simply going to sleep and not waking up.
They all - sorry, Zappa - seem to have to go through miseries before being able to let go.
My dad was seventy when he died. He knew his heart was likely to give out sooner than later and had organised his funeral. One of the last conversations I had with him was at my wedding when he told me he didn't want a funeral like my Catholic/Quaker wedding. He was a pretty committed atheist. Mum on the other hand thinks death is an optional extra and that she isn't signing up.
We went and visited today, her 93rd birthday. Due to the awful sound on the 'pod' visiting system we dressed up (bright yellow dress, and bright red beads and headdress for me, bright orange shirt and navy waistcoat for my husband) and did a dance to All that Jazz instead of trying to have a conversation. Mum joined in and the carers really loved it too. Mum looked good and was wearing the new clothes and necklace I had bought her for her birthday.
As for care home fees mum's are somewhat more expensive than was @The Intrepid Mrs S was paying. I reckon she's got about three years left before I have to throw myself on the mercy of social services.
My dad was paying about £1,000 a week to the Local Authority home where he lived for the last three years of his life. I'm sure he got very good care, but it was notable that their starting "end-of-life" care coincided with the most visible of his assets running out.
I'm very glad he made his house over to my siblings and me 20 years before he died - my share is what has enabled me to get my own place, and I'm just sorry that David wasn't able to share it with me (the money from the sale of Dad's house came through the day after David died).
Gosh, @Sojourner , your idea of 'really old' differs from mine, maybe because I'm almost 70 myself! I mean 'really old' as in The Dowager, nearer 96 than 95 when she finally gave in; her older sister, likewise; and now Zappa's AP who is I think 98 - to them seems not to be allocated the blessing of simply going to sleep and not waking up.
They all - sorry, Zappa - seem to have to go through miseries before being able to let go.
I’m not far off 70 meself and have to keep reminding meself that 3 score & 10 ain’t young. Can be difficult when in the workforce with bosses young enough to be my offspring!!😂🙀
My father's father smoked from the age of 11, liked a dram (probably a functioning alcoholic latterly) and lived to be 87. My father, who has never smoked and drinks alcohol in very moderate quantities, assumed he would reap the benefit and live a lot longer than his father. He felt the injustice of being told that he would die at "only" 83. His birthday is coming up, though, so it looks as though he is going to make it to 84.
I don't think 83 (or 84) counts as "really old" - one of my father's aunts was born in the C19th (1899) and died in the C21st (2001).
Yep we had one if those; maiden great aunt 1899-2001. She was the original acid-tongued spinster who fell out with everyone. She outlived her last sibling by 10 years. All very sad.
But yes by the 80s we are really old and unfortunately modern medicine has a lot to answer for as regards extraordinary measures to keep octogenarians and older going . I recall my maternal grandmother aged 90 remarking “ if we were horses we’d be glue”. Her mother took to her bed and died at 79 back in 1940 and that was a ripe old age.
It's hard, isn't it - those of our APs who saved hard may just see all their money go in care home fees (and yes, @Sarasa , The Dowager's was a not-for-profit down in the south-west, which brought many benefits).
On the other hand, if their assets aren't used, who's going to pay? Their younger relatives (indirectly) who are still working and paying tax - so that their inheritance passes to them intact? And that's if the AP hasn't left it to a cats' home...
I think the whole care home fees thing is a minefield and one that successful governments have been avoiding as they don't want it to blow up in their faces. May tried in her 2017 manifesto and it nearly lost her the election.
The manager of the care home sent me the video of our dance yesterday this morning, we look totally bonkers! Mum had a nice party yesterday afternoon and apparently didn't stop dancing.
Dad's birthday is tomorrow. We were chatting about this on the phone.
Dad: I can't believe I'm going to be 84. It's so much older than I think I am!
Me: And I'm 56. That feels unbelievable too!
Dad: But your age is more believable because you look your age.
I'm swinging between laughter at his cheek and tears because I'm going to miss the banter so, so much.
He's still remarkably well for someone who wasn't expected to see Christmas, but any exertion is tiring him now, even just walking between rooms.
Hope North East Dad had a lovely birthday, with plenty of banter!
Husband and I were planning to visit my mum (70-odd miles away, lives alone with support of daily carers) on Sunday. In my mind, we are her support bubble (my brother and sister-in-law live even further away), and so are allowed to visit even in lockdown. We haven't visited Mum since November, because of her frailty and the high infection rates. She had her first vaccine in January, husband and I had ours a couple of weeks ago. However ...
My mum also has twice-weekly (paid) visits from a friend of ours, who does cleaning, cooking and general organising. This assistant reckons we are not supposed to travel in lockdown, and that she would be classed as Mum's 'support bubble'. Therefore, by agreement with Mum, we've cancelled this Sunday's trip.
Assistant is suggesting that we go and visit Mum for a few days at Easter. Apparently that will be fine 'as your vaccines will have kicked in by then'. I was thinking we would be allowed to visit after April 12, however after checking the Government guidance pages, it appears that overnight stays with non-support-bubble family are not permitted until May 17. It also states people should continue to follow the guidance regardless of their vaccination status.
Did I mention that Mum's assistant stresses about people visiting because she (the assistant) is in the shielding category? Well, the guidance also recommends that people shielding shouldn't go out to work ... I can't figure out whether she's got some source of guidance in additional to what's out there on the Govt webpage, or whether she's making up her own 'rules'.
(Apologies for the rant, will be having a video chat with Mum on her own later!)
I think the whole care home fees thing is a minefield and one that successful governments have been avoiding as they don't want it to blow up in their faces.
Care homes are expensive, by construction, because that sort of personal care is very labour intensive, and people are expensive.
The arguments about care for elderly people aren't all that different from the arguments about childcare for infants and small children - in both cases, the people needing the care aren't able to do much for themselves, and a single adult can't look after very many dependent people.
In both cases, this kind of care has traditionally fallen, unpaid, on the mother and/or daughter of the person who requires the care.
It's confusing isn't it, Tina? My brother lives close to my parents, but he and my sister-in-law are her mother's "bubble" - she is very frail, with carers coming in. So that leaves Mum and Dad's "bubble" available for us.
However my brother and sister-in-law are doing the everyday stuff for my parents - putting the bins out, gritting the paths when it's icy etc. We're 90 miles away, we can't nip through to do a 10 min task.
Has the "shielding" carer had her vaccinations?
We went through for Dad's birthday. It was great - we had birthday cake. Dad was in good form and pleased to have outlasted the expectations.
However, I am now banging my head off the desk (again!) about Mum. Mum is 87 and exhausted. She prepares all their meals from scratch. She keeps the house immaculate. And her hip hurts, so she's in a lot of discomfort.
They are going to get a visit from a physiotherapist. Mum thinks the physio will be going upstairs and is worried that the physio will be appalled at the state of Dad's study. She is planning to blitz it. For example, there is a tin of WD40 in Dad's study, because the shredder squeaks. Mum thinks the physio will be shocked by that.
Apparently being 87 with a bad hip and 84 with terminal cancer is no excuse for not returning the WD40 to the garage every time it is used, and then bringing it back in the next time it is needed, later the same week. Mum thinks the physio will gossip about the WD40 to others. She is worried the physio will think her a "slattern."
I am trying to imagine anyone, let alone a busy NHS physiotherapist, whose life is so devoid of interest that a tin of WD40 inside a house rather than in a garage becomes a topic of scandalised conversation. I am failing. If anyone was going to say anything about their house it would be "how does she keep it so clean???"
I wonder if your mum is like my mum, who uses housework as a displacement activity when she's feeling worried. And complains about how much work she has to do while she's doing it. If you try to help her, so she can sit down and have a rest, she invents something else she "has" to do.
Mum is always anxious, so it may well be a displacement activity, but one of the things she is anxious about is sub-standard housekeeping. So it's hard to untangle.
I don't try to help her because anything I do is substandard and creates work for Mum having to re-do it. University came as a bit of a shock because I hadn't done anything for myself up to that point! I was allowed to set the table and help with the dishes but that was about it. I was allowed to make my own bed once I was in my teens, but when I was younger, if I made my own bed, Mum would strip it back and remake it and I had to apologise to her for "creating work."
When I type that out, it sounds crazy, but that was just life.
Mum's always been like this - it was drummed into her that the worst thing a woman could do is to keep a dirty house. She seems to be genuinely afraid the physio will gossip about the WD40 being kept next to the squeaky shredder.
This terror of What Will People Think/Say ruled my mother's life too. I remember when she bought a 2nd hand rayburn which she scrubbed ferociously. But if neighbours dropped in to view the new acquisition I was schooled to say that of course it would look better when it was cleaned up. Inculcating in my young mind that lying is fine - indeed required - in the service of keeping up appearances. Of no great consequence in wishing to appear to have got a good bargain, rather more damaging when you have to pretend to be well, happy and in employment when you are none of those things.
Definitely a form of social control. My mother used it on me for many years (mostly without success, alas 😄 ) because she felt I wasn’t living up to the standards of a proper pastor’s wife.
Comments
(((Thunderbunk)))
Mum phoned first thing this morning, worried about me phoning the community nurse. I reassured her that I was just going to clarify the details of permissible visiting in lockdown.
I phoned the community nurse, who, it turns out, doesn't work on a Friday. I spoke to someone lovely, who is going to clarify and phone back.
My brother / sister-in-law have spoken to Mum at least three times since Tuesday, including my sister-in-law dropping off flowers and groceries at their door yesterday. Mum didn't tell them that the nurse said that we were allowed to visit either. I have a horrible feeling that this is one of Mum's embellishments.
I said I thought Mum might have been upset, said she was missing me and the nurse might have said something like "Yes, it would be nice if she could visit." I emphasised that I wasn't suggesting that she had said I could visit, just that my 87 year old distressed mother thought that she had.
Whoever phoned said that she was missing her parents too, and couldn't have been nicer or more understanding.
I just hope I haven't created an issue.
I raided the cupboards and have just polished off a 150g bar of Green & Black's cooking chocolate and a strong mug of coffee.
Meh.
Good luck with establishing what is going on with your mother, LC.
The NE Man has calmed me down by asking which the nurse's colleagues will think is more likely:
a) that a highly trained professional broke the rules or
b) that a distressed 87 year old got muddled.
It's a good thing I don't drink.
And
thanking the Good Lord Above for N E Man!
My sister was the rational one who would secretly rebel, but she’s with the Lord.
My sister-in-law also got told a new version of what the nurse said, which was a third version. My brother phoned me about it and we had a long and anxious chat. We agreed we are both more worried about Mum than Dad.
Then we consulted the lockdown rules and reckoned that an 87 year old with some mobility issues who has been caring single-handedly for her terminally ill husband since lockdown and who isn't clear about what health professionals are telling her falls within the "vulnerable person" category. And if she doesn't qualify as a "vulnerable person" then she should!
And so we visited. It was brilliant to see my parents again; first time since Christmas Eve.
I will visit again - I think my mother is at the edge of what she can be expected to do without the sort of support she can only get from people visiting. There is support available when Dad's health deteriorates but for so long as Dad is coasting along, there doesn't seem to be any available support for his almost 88 year old carer.
I don't think she has been turning down any offers- what I think she needs is to have someone else around so that she isn't carrying the burden alone. But since this latest lockdown no-one other than the community nurse and GP have been inside their house, and they haven't the time to sit down with a cup of tea.
ClarenceMother has recently moved to a well run care home, for which I'm grateful. But I am hopeful also that the Commission's report will trigger changes to the hideously complex funding model. Going into a care facility requires three daily payments. One is what everyone pays and comes out of the aged care pension, one is a means tested amount which is small if one has no other money, and one is the 'daily accommodation payment' which requires the aged resident to deposit around $430,000 to provide interest for this payment.
Confused? Yes, so are we.
And what if, like ClarenceMother, you don't have $430,000? You put in whatever savings you have, sell your home (in her case a little villa in a retirement village, worth about $340k but she'll get about $190k after the village owners take all their cuts), deposit the funds and then watch them slowly diminish to pay for the daily accommodation payment because there isn't enough interest.
It's right that everyone makes a contribution towards costs if they can, but why does it have to be so fiendishly complicated and favour the wealthy (who get the $430,000 back when they leave)?
Glad your dad is getting better @Caissa , and I hope everyone else's aged p's are doing OK.
It's my mum's 93rd birthday tomorrow. Husband and I are off to visit her in her care home. You have to visit with a perspex screen in the way and the sound is dire. Husband and I have been practicing a birthday dance to keep her entertained. Let's hope she is in a good mood.
They she asked me how much it was costing*, and I was so surprised I told her. Nearly didn't have to pay for any more, she was so shocked!
*About £1,000 per week, since you ask <eeek>
So horrible. I have no words.
Dropped in to check up and pray through. No change with AgedMaZappa. I saw her last week. 98% lucid - just one utterly bizarre twist in the conversation. It's the siblings still who are haemorrhaging, with one threatening to head to lawyers. To what end I simply cannot fathom, though I guess as the one who has borne the brunt of the support for zero acknowledgment I can understand her frustration.
Is it wrong to ask that God whisk a very unready and life-stubborn 98 year old AgedMaZappa away painlessly in the middle of a deep sleep, you know, before the fan turns brown and drippy?
And yeah, it probably is and anyway that so rarely happens and how dare I ask when all I'm really asking is for a selfish solution.
That's a tough one. I backed down on my opposition to the retirement village five years ago, but it was done for sibling and maternal harmony. I think it was worth it, though the current loss of the thousands of dollars to ClarenceMother and her care is hard to face up to.
My mother was dragged kicking & screaming off the stage of life at 71 ( no that’s an exaggeration but she threw in the towel right at the end). She was understandably narked that she & Sister Death had differing views about her allotted span: she was after all the daughter and niece of a gaggle of nonagenarians.
It was a blessing. She would have hated extreme old age and decrepitude (with marbles intact) as her mother had done.
They all - sorry, Zappa - seem to have to go through miseries before being able to let go.
We went and visited today, her 93rd birthday. Due to the awful sound on the 'pod' visiting system we dressed up (bright yellow dress, and bright red beads and headdress for me, bright orange shirt and navy waistcoat for my husband) and did a dance to All that Jazz instead of trying to have a conversation. Mum joined in and the carers really loved it too. Mum looked good and was wearing the new clothes and necklace I had bought her for her birthday.
As for care home fees mum's are somewhat more expensive than was @The Intrepid Mrs S was paying. I reckon she's got about three years left before I have to throw myself on the mercy of social services.
I'm very glad he made his house over to my siblings and me 20 years before he died - my share is what has enabled me to get my own place, and I'm just sorry that David wasn't able to share it with me (the money from the sale of Dad's house came through the day after David died).
I’m not far off 70 meself and have to keep reminding meself that 3 score & 10 ain’t young. Can be difficult when in the workforce with bosses young enough to be my offspring!!😂🙀
I don't think 83 (or 84) counts as "really old" - one of my father's aunts was born in the C19th (1899) and died in the C21st (2001).
But yes by the 80s we are really old and unfortunately modern medicine has a lot to answer for as regards extraordinary measures to keep octogenarians and older going . I recall my maternal grandmother aged 90 remarking “ if we were horses we’d be glue”. Her mother took to her bed and died at 79 back in 1940 and that was a ripe old age.
On the other hand, if their assets aren't used, who's going to pay? Their younger relatives (indirectly) who are still working and paying tax - so that their inheritance passes to them intact? And that's if the AP hasn't left it to a cats' home...
Anyway, Happy Birthday to SarasaMama!
The manager of the care home sent me the video of our dance yesterday this morning, we look totally bonkers! Mum had a nice party yesterday afternoon and apparently didn't stop dancing.
Dad: I can't believe I'm going to be 84. It's so much older than I think I am!
Me: And I'm 56. That feels unbelievable too!
Dad: But your age is more believable because you look your age.
I'm swinging between laughter at his cheek and tears because I'm going to miss the banter so, so much.
He's still remarkably well for someone who wasn't expected to see Christmas, but any exertion is tiring him now, even just walking between rooms.
Husband and I were planning to visit my mum (70-odd miles away, lives alone with support of daily carers) on Sunday. In my mind, we are her support bubble (my brother and sister-in-law live even further away), and so are allowed to visit even in lockdown. We haven't visited Mum since November, because of her frailty and the high infection rates. She had her first vaccine in January, husband and I had ours a couple of weeks ago. However ...
My mum also has twice-weekly (paid) visits from a friend of ours, who does cleaning, cooking and general organising. This assistant reckons we are not supposed to travel in lockdown, and that she would be classed as Mum's 'support bubble'. Therefore, by agreement with Mum, we've cancelled this Sunday's trip.
Assistant is suggesting that we go and visit Mum for a few days at Easter. Apparently that will be fine 'as your vaccines will have kicked in by then'. I was thinking we would be allowed to visit after April 12, however after checking the Government guidance pages, it appears that overnight stays with non-support-bubble family are not permitted until May 17. It also states people should continue to follow the guidance regardless of their vaccination status.
Did I mention that Mum's assistant stresses about people visiting because she (the assistant) is in the shielding category? Well, the guidance also recommends that people shielding shouldn't go out to work ... I can't figure out whether she's got some source of guidance in additional to what's out there on the Govt webpage, or whether she's making up her own 'rules'.
(Apologies for the rant, will be having a video chat with Mum on her own later!)
Care homes are expensive, by construction, because that sort of personal care is very labour intensive, and people are expensive.
The arguments about care for elderly people aren't all that different from the arguments about childcare for infants and small children - in both cases, the people needing the care aren't able to do much for themselves, and a single adult can't look after very many dependent people.
In both cases, this kind of care has traditionally fallen, unpaid, on the mother and/or daughter of the person who requires the care.
However my brother and sister-in-law are doing the everyday stuff for my parents - putting the bins out, gritting the paths when it's icy etc. We're 90 miles away, we can't nip through to do a 10 min task.
Has the "shielding" carer had her vaccinations?
We went through for Dad's birthday. It was great - we had birthday cake. Dad was in good form and pleased to have outlasted the expectations.
However, I am now banging my head off the desk (again!) about Mum. Mum is 87 and exhausted. She prepares all their meals from scratch. She keeps the house immaculate. And her hip hurts, so she's in a lot of discomfort.
They are going to get a visit from a physiotherapist. Mum thinks the physio will be going upstairs and is worried that the physio will be appalled at the state of Dad's study. She is planning to blitz it. For example, there is a tin of WD40 in Dad's study, because the shredder squeaks. Mum thinks the physio will be shocked by that.
Apparently being 87 with a bad hip and 84 with terminal cancer is no excuse for not returning the WD40 to the garage every time it is used, and then bringing it back in the next time it is needed, later the same week. Mum thinks the physio will gossip about the WD40 to others. She is worried the physio will think her a "slattern."
I am trying to imagine anyone, let alone a busy NHS physiotherapist, whose life is so devoid of interest that a tin of WD40 inside a house rather than in a garage becomes a topic of scandalised conversation. I am failing. If anyone was going to say anything about their house it would be "how does she keep it so clean???"
I don't try to help her because anything I do is substandard and creates work for Mum having to re-do it. University came as a bit of a shock because I hadn't done anything for myself up to that point! I was allowed to set the table and help with the dishes but that was about it. I was allowed to make my own bed once I was in my teens, but when I was younger, if I made my own bed, Mum would strip it back and remake it and I had to apologise to her for "creating work."
When I type that out, it sounds crazy, but that was just life.
Mum's always been like this - it was drummed into her that the worst thing a woman could do is to keep a dirty house. She seems to be genuinely afraid the physio will gossip about the WD40 being kept next to the squeaky shredder.
The previous generation are aged.