Glad you had a good time in the end @North East Quine
My brother and I had different thoughts about our mother and her capability to do things at different times. In 2012 he wanted her to move into sheltered accommodation near him. I felt that doing that would only hasten her decline. When six years later she really needed a lot of extra support he still thought sheltered accommodation would do, when to me she was needing to move into care.
I think keeping an eye on her driving is a good idea @North East Quine Do you think she'd accept giving up if you decided she was becoming a danger to herself and others.
Thank you for sharing @North East Quine . I think my sister and I are a sort of redistribution of those characteristics. I feel like she doesn't see mum as anything other than an elderly babysitter sometimes, and yet I'm sure she would say that she does all the heavy lifting and I get to sit back and criticise. She lives about 1 mile from my parents; I live 120 miles from them. The other problem is that my relationship with my parents has deteriorated because, as I see it anyway, they have been so absorbed in my sister's needs and her difficulties that I have just become a bystander. This hurts.
We're in the fortunate position that there isn't any really heavy lifting required. Most of what Mum needs is company and interest as she misses Dad badly. She used to run after Dad a lot, waiting on him hand and foot, and she still likes to be useful and appreciated. One of the best things we can do for her is to turn up and enjoy her cooking, as it boosts her spirits. As she's an excellent cook, this is a win / win for me.
One of her cousins is unwell, and so her only current "need" is for me to drive her to visit her cousin. This will be a pleasant day for me as Mum will treat me to lunch out, the only snag is that this sort of thing is time-consuming. Mum lives 2 1/2 hours away from me. But I know I'm very lucky.
One of her cousins is unwell, and so her only current "need" is for me to drive her to visit her cousin. This will be a pleasant day for me as Mum will treat me to lunch out, the only snag is that this sort of thing is time-consuming. Mum lives 2 1/2 hours away from me. But I know I'm very lucky.
Best wishes for the cousin. Driving time can be very useful talking time, especially for raising difficult topics.
Best wishes for the cousin. Driving time can be very useful talking time, especially for raising difficult topics.
I agree about driving time being good talking time.
We had the Celebration of Life for my mama on Saturday. It really was a happy time of reunion with family and friends. Dad was happy. I gave the eulogy and Dad just beamed at me when I went back to the pew to sit beside him.
We also had a 100th birthday party for Dad, with balloons, banners and all kinds of decorations! No, he's not 100, but he is convinced that he is!! If we have a few years of 100th birthday parties, that will be perfectly fine! Dad has been absolutely radiant with all the wonderful events during what could have been a horrible weekend for him.
And Mom is no longer suffering. We miss her terribly. but wouldn't have her back the way she was in the last few months (or years) for all the tea in China.
The story reminded me of my first year teaching. At our weekly Junior Assembly children who had a birthday that week were sung "Happy Birthday" by everyone else. One little girl, Belinda stood up to be sung to every week. When I asked the senior teacher why she said the child was a Jehovah's Witness and wasn't allowed to celebrate her birthday at home so made up for it by celebrating every week at school.
The story reminded me of my first year teaching. At our weekly Junior Assembly children who had a birthday that week were sung "Happy Birthday" by everyone else. One little girl, Belinda stood up to be sung to every week. When I asked the senior teacher why she said the child was a Jehovah's Witness and wasn't allowed to celebrate her birthday at home so made up for it by celebrating every week at school.
Huia, if you watched The Big Bang Theory, you would remember that Leonard was not allowed to celebrate his birthday while growing up because his mother said it was her achievement. It was so good of your school to give her an experience for which she was thirsting.
My mother, to whom birthdays were really important, didn't know JWs attitude to them until I told her about Belinda. From then on every JW who knocked on our door was met with a barrage of condemnation of this belief. They never got a word in edgeways.
So here's the situation. Mom died in early January. Funeral was end of February. Made third trip (right now) to stay with stepdad at his request and "make a little noise in the house." Nephew's wedding last week, also here. Yesterday (?) stepdad reveals that he has had a girlfriend for "quite some time" or similar language, and is taking off on romantic holiday and leaving us home. My kid gets sick (improving now, thank God). Dude comes in, picks holes in several things we've done while he is gone, says I don't recognize facetiousness when I hear it, and then screams at me to stop worrying about him. I haven't said shit on the subject, so apparently it's in my face. I am currently upstairs supposedly doing work (heh) while he has gone outside somewhere and son is downstairs feeling ill and awkward.
Am I the crazy one? He's been like a cat on a hot tin roof for weeks, but I thought it was a reaction to grief. I have said NOTHING about the new girlfriend, or any of the raft of other issues that come with that. Oh, and we've been getting Scripture lectures--ugh, the irony.
Really, I'm beginning to wonder if he's just going to cut me off, along with my brother whom he's already decided he'll never speak to again.
He's not old or sick enough to be demented, I think.
@Lamb Chopped dementia isn't just a disease of very old age, so it could be that. My mum was convinced the tour rep that was nice to her on holiday was the great love of her life. Fortunately her fantasies remained just that, but I didn't twig it as being a dementia symptom for a long time as her memory wasn't at all bad. It was, as my husband said, as though her logic boxes had fried. She was in her late eighties and I guess your step-dad is considerably younger, but the sort of behaviour you are describing would ring alarm bells with me, whatever the age. I think you probably need to step back and let what will happen happen. Does he have any friends he might listen to more than you?
It's definitely ringing alarm bells, and as for stepping back, we never really DID step forward--he's divining our feelings about it from the air, so to speak. (My mother was emotionally abusive and my stepfather is at best um, remarkably straightforward when he is angry--which is to say, I would have a damned hard time making myself come right out and say much, because I've got PTSD and conflict of any sort freaks me out.) Nevertheless, he's not wrong when he senses that we find this all very disturbing. And has shouted various things at me that, if I had confronted him, would have been precisely on the nose for what I would have said. So message received, even if only by ESP. At this point, we're basically praying and leaving it to God to drum the message into his head.
(And no, he has no close friends, and none at all that are aware of the issue to my knowledge. But it's a secret hard to keep, as the woman insists on calling him during the middle of churchtime, etc. and he keeps leaving to take those calls and not coming back. Sooner or later someone will ask him why. Plus he is very deaf and talks really loud and puts her on speakerphone--which is how my husband came to realize the situation at my mother's funeral, though I did not. He really underestimates how much people of normal hearing can overhear.)
I am going to see my mother over the weekend. All family relationships are a toxic binfire as is she psychologically. I feel like I need prayers for protection.
I am home (thank God!) but still unfortunately somewhat bound into this whole mess by virtue of being essentially his only living non- estranged relative-- and he's leaning on us really hard for daily communication and emotional support, even though he is very self-centered* and unable to converse for five minutes without unintentionally saying something offensive. Like commanding my son to send him a photo so he can see that LL is making progress in learning to dress like a "cool guy" instead of being sloppy. (This is his idea of a good follow up to a morning spent very generously-- he is not mean-- buying new clothes for LL. He means it as a "bonding experience" (his words) but fails to see how constantly soliciting wers and photos and zlways responding critically (like, 99% of the time, even to innocent remarks about the weather!) isn't going to build anything but frustration and resentment in people. Which it's why he's so alone. And pathologically unable to take any hint of criticism on any subject, which is why we can't correct the communication issue. I just feel like there's a huge amount of terror** there for some reason, and wonder if living so long with my mom (emotionally abusive, though I love her) might be part of the reason why.
*self-centered but not selfish, if you know what i mean.
** The terror is probably the main reason I bear with all this instead of abandoning him like so many others. He does love us though so horribly crippled in expressing it, and is terrified of abandonment.
@Lamb Chopped If he is indeed spending so much time on the phone and in person with the"girlfriend," why is he lonely? Please do not let such a person drain all the energy from you and your family. Set limits such as once a week and set time to phone. Perhaps a short text each morning to just check-in. " Hi have a great day, Looking forward to our phone visit on Friday." I love both of our kids and we get along great One is near the other is far. They like me to text a greeting each morning so they know we are okay. We talk on the phone and visit in person when it works for everyone's schedule.
Yes, we've got limits, though they are mainly "we'll text/talk until you annoy the fuck out of me" (which reliably happens within two minutes). So things are getting more manageable with every week of normal at-home life between us and the three major stress events of my mom's death/funeral/er, "replacement"? this spring. I suspect that if no new major stress crops up, we'll be feeling kinda normal by midsummer.
Realistically, we’re recovering from a death. Two really, my brother-in-law died in August. I’m trying to ramp down the idea Mr Lamb occasionally voices of “it’s been three months, why are we all so stressed still?” Heh.
I just want to share a little update on Dad. He is now 103 years old! He was going to be 100 on his birthday, but of course it switched a bit and he was 101 after his birthday. Not sure at all when he turned 103!
The facility where he lives 'goes with it', as our family does.
I talked to a radical right wing conspiracy theorist recently. He asked why we were allowing him to believe a lie. (Rich coming from a person who believes the WooWoo things he does.) I told him it's ok, because it doesn't matter! It makes Dad happy, so I'm happy.
Dad is actually 93, but he can be whatever age he wants to be, IMHO!
Hey, my own husband routinely adds seven to ten years to his age, and has done ever since our marriage (before that, he went the opposite way!). Let him be what he wants!
For Dad, yes, he was always truthful and encouraged it in others. This is not a lie as far as he knows, and it seems to give him both comfort and a bit of pride in being so well at his 'age'. Mind you, 93 is an accomplishment in itself!
Dad's VA doctor gave him the truth about his actual age. He was genuinely puzzled as to why she was telling him what appeared to be a lie. Then he totally dismissed what she said and continued to happily be whatever age he wanted to be. For those of us watching Alzheimer's take away his mental faculties, this is totally not something we want to confuse him about. He is happy.
Mom, however, had horrible delusions that made her life miserable. Truth telling got nowhere with her. It made her angry and bitter when we tried to reason with her about the delusions. It wasn't until her Alzheimer's was much farther advanced, and she had very little long or short term memory that she forgot the delusions and was much happier.
As I said both criteria needed to be fulfilled but certainly with my Dad my sister breaking and telling him the actual truth was something he greatly appreciated and the point at which he started to recover (i.e. come out of the delusions). Maybe due to the fact that he started cooperating with the medical profession rather than trying to escape from them
An excellent age either way! Well done your father!!
My father was in full possession of his faculties. I was taken aside at one point and told that he appeared to be showing some signs of confusion - he had claimed to have been born and brought up in Afghanistan! Apparently they had played along with this "delusion".
I told them that Dad had been born and brought up in An Gearasdan (Gaelic name for Fort William, and in common usage). I wish I could have been a fly on the wall for the conversation in which Dad was talking about Fort William (west coast of Scotland, lots of rain) and they thought he was talking about Afghanistan....
Mr F’s aunt (first cousin once removed actually) has died in Kingston ON at the age of 103. She knew the Group of Seven, so visiting her flat - which commanded a wonderful view over the lakefront - was like going into a side chapel of the National Gallery. I believe the paintings are going to the nation.
Firenze - it would be wonderful if those painting joined the other Group of Seven works in the McMichael Gallery. It's one of the most beautiful places I know - if I were a painting I'd be delighted to live there!
I have a cautionary tale to share with all of you who have APs.
I probably wrote about the stressful time my sister and I were collaborating with the state to get Mom and Dad to quit driving. It was quite challenging, and M&D were not at all pleased to have their licenses revoked. Well, Mom was ok with it, but Dad was furious. He kept insisting he was going to drive license or not, and I had to remind him a multitude of times what would happen if he got into an accident with no license and no auto insurance. It took a long time for this whole process, but it was a relief when it was done and Dad sold his car.
M&D had a couple who were dear friends, who had within the last few years moved up to their home state. Their family members were going through the process of trying to convince their parents to give up driving. (I don't know if they got the state involved.) The parents refused.
Last week, the husband drove home, parked the car in the garage and forgot to shut it off. He went into the house, sat in his chair and died of carbon monoxide poisoning. His wife came home shortly after and also died of CO poisoning.
I'll bet their children are in agony knowing this could have been prevented if only the parents had listened to them about giving up driving. They are also, I assume, wishing they had tried stronger measures, and actively taken their car and licenses.
These were lovely people, and it's a shock to learn about this. Hopefully sharing this story will help another family to have the strength to do this very hard thing, and very possibly saving their parents' (and anyone they might injure in an accident) lives.
So sorry to hear about your parents’ friends @jedijudy. Persuading elderly people to stop driving is so tough. Prayers for them and for their children.
My 87 year old father had a bout of Covid a few weeks ago. Since he has COPD the doctor was not sure if he had another life in. I am pleased that he is back to his usual feisty self trading barbs with me during our phone calls. Parenthetically, his doctor has been musing about whether it is time for my father to give up driving.
Comments
My brother and I had different thoughts about our mother and her capability to do things at different times. In 2012 he wanted her to move into sheltered accommodation near him. I felt that doing that would only hasten her decline. When six years later she really needed a lot of extra support he still thought sheltered accommodation would do, when to me she was needing to move into care.
I think keeping an eye on her driving is a good idea @North East Quine Do you think she'd accept giving up if you decided she was becoming a danger to herself and others.
Edited as I mixed up @Tree Bee and @North East Quine. Apologies to both of you.
One of her cousins is unwell, and so her only current "need" is for me to drive her to visit her cousin. This will be a pleasant day for me as Mum will treat me to lunch out, the only snag is that this sort of thing is time-consuming. Mum lives 2 1/2 hours away from me. But I know I'm very lucky.
Best wishes for the cousin. Driving time can be very useful talking time, especially for raising difficult topics.
I agree about driving time being good talking time.
We had the Celebration of Life for my mama on Saturday. It really was a happy time of reunion with family and friends. Dad was happy. I gave the eulogy and Dad just beamed at me when I went back to the pew to sit beside him.
We also had a 100th birthday party for Dad, with balloons, banners and all kinds of decorations! No, he's not 100, but he is convinced that he is!!
And Mom is no longer suffering. We miss her terribly. but wouldn't have her back the way she was in the last few months (or years) for all the tea in China.
The story reminded me of my first year teaching. At our weekly Junior Assembly children who had a birthday that week were sung "Happy Birthday" by everyone else. One little girl, Belinda stood up to be sung to every week. When I asked the senior teacher why she said the child was a Jehovah's Witness and wasn't allowed to celebrate her birthday at home so made up for it by celebrating every week at school.
Poor little bugger
Am I the crazy one? He's been like a cat on a hot tin roof for weeks, but I thought it was a reaction to grief. I have said NOTHING about the new girlfriend, or any of the raft of other issues that come with that. Oh, and we've been getting Scripture lectures--ugh, the irony.
Really, I'm beginning to wonder if he's just going to cut me off, along with my brother whom he's already decided he'll never speak to again.
He's not old or sick enough to be demented, I think.
(And no, he has no close friends, and none at all that are aware of the issue to my knowledge. But it's a secret hard to keep, as the woman insists on calling him during the middle of churchtime, etc. and he keeps leaving to take those calls and not coming back. Sooner or later someone will ask him why. Plus he is very deaf and talks really loud and puts her on speakerphone--which is how my husband came to realize the situation at my mother's funeral, though I did not. He really underestimates how much people of normal hearing can overhear.)
Holding @Lamb Chopped 's family in my thoughts and prayers also.
*self-centered but not selfish, if you know what i mean.
** The terror is probably the main reason I bear with all this instead of abandoning him like so many others. He does love us though so horribly crippled in expressing it, and is terrified of abandonment.
Praying for you, Thunderbunk!
Realistically, we’re recovering from a death. Two really, my brother-in-law died in August. I’m trying to ramp down the idea Mr Lamb occasionally voices of “it’s been three months, why are we all so stressed still?” Heh.
The facility where he lives 'goes with it', as our family does.
I talked to a radical right wing conspiracy theorist recently. He asked why we were allowing him to believe a lie. (Rich coming from a person who believes the WooWoo things he does.) I told him it's ok, because it doesn't matter! It makes Dad happy, so I'm happy.
Dad is actually 93, but he can be whatever age he wants to be, IMHO!
Then it is kinder to give them the truth.
For Dad, yes, he was always truthful and encouraged it in others. This is not a lie as far as he knows, and it seems to give him both comfort and a bit of pride in being so well at his 'age'. Mind you, 93 is an accomplishment in itself!
Dad's VA doctor gave him the truth about his actual age. He was genuinely puzzled as to why she was telling him what appeared to be a lie. Then he totally dismissed what she said and continued to happily be whatever age he wanted to be. For those of us watching Alzheimer's take away his mental faculties, this is totally not something we want to confuse him about. He is happy.
Mom, however, had horrible delusions that made her life miserable. Truth telling got nowhere with her. It made her angry and bitter when we tried to reason with her about the delusions. It wasn't until her Alzheimer's was much farther advanced, and she had very little long or short term memory that she forgot the delusions and was much happier.
We will continue to celebrate with him!
My father was in full possession of his faculties. I was taken aside at one point and told that he appeared to be showing some signs of confusion - he had claimed to have been born and brought up in Afghanistan! Apparently they had played along with this "delusion".
I told them that Dad had been born and brought up in An Gearasdan (Gaelic name for Fort William, and in common usage). I wish I could have been a fly on the wall for the conversation in which Dad was talking about Fort William (west coast of Scotland, lots of rain) and they thought he was talking about Afghanistan....
Sending many hugs to you, Gill.
We are trying to arrange some respite care and it’s tricky. Too early to say for sure, but this morning seemed very positive.
I probably wrote about the stressful time my sister and I were collaborating with the state to get Mom and Dad to quit driving. It was quite challenging, and M&D were not at all pleased to have their licenses revoked. Well, Mom was ok with it, but Dad was furious. He kept insisting he was going to drive license or not, and I had to remind him a multitude of times what would happen if he got into an accident with no license and no auto insurance. It took a long time for this whole process, but it was a relief when it was done and Dad sold his car.
M&D had a couple who were dear friends, who had within the last few years moved up to their home state. Their family members were going through the process of trying to convince their parents to give up driving. (I don't know if they got the state involved.) The parents refused.
Last week, the husband drove home, parked the car in the garage and forgot to shut it off. He went into the house, sat in his chair and died of carbon monoxide poisoning. His wife came home shortly after and also died of CO poisoning.
I'll bet their children are in agony knowing this could have been prevented if only the parents had listened to them about giving up driving. They are also, I assume, wishing they had tried stronger measures, and actively taken their car and licenses.
These were lovely people, and it's a shock to learn about this. Hopefully sharing this story will help another family to have the strength to do this very hard thing, and very possibly saving their parents' (and anyone they might injure in an accident) lives.