I suspect my dad’s macular degeneration saved his life; it meant he had to give up driving when he was nearly 80. He would never have accepted the need to give up voluntarily, although he’d had a few minor accidents by then and one much more serious one where my mum ended up in hospital for several weeks.
My Dad had many scrapes getting into his garage and even an encounter trying to give way to a fire engine in his old age. After having an operation he was forced not to drive for several months and sensibly did not drive again, though could not bring himself to sell the car.
After my mother died my father, by then in his late 80s, knew he needed and wanted to sell the house they had bought at retirement. It had been used as planned for many family gatherings, but was really too large for both of them, let alone him on his own. Also nothing was within walking distance and there was next to no public transport.
Once his move was sorted he sold the car as he no longer needed to chauffeur my mother, and felt his own needs would be met by taxis as necessary at less cost than running a car.
As an 84-year-old who gave up driving just this year may I offer some advice that helped me. BEFORE giving up driving I worked out how I was going to get around, and used all of those services first before stopping. There is no public bus route in my area of the city but I found the transit has a special minibus you can arrange to pick you up, I have a helper come once a week who drives me to appointments and I make medical appointments on the day she will be here. I was able to get a grant to help with the cost. We have a group of volunteers called Molly's Angles who volunteer rides for seniors to the store and medical appointments and grocery shopping. My son comes to visit the same day each week so again I plan outings on the day I know he will be coming. Once my neighbors knew I was no longer driving they volunteer to give me rides and I take up the offer. Finally, I have things delivered. The thing that made it easier to give up driving was planning ahead and trying out all the services before. Hope this helps.
My Mum is causing the family much angst. Her very ill husband is abusing her verbally, but she is unable to make the final decision for him to go into a care home. They’ve found a good local home that can take him. Mum is 90, older than he is, and though she is physically very good for her age, we are all very worried about how she can continue. They have a live in carer for him, who is also of the opinion that he needs residential care. I’m not allowed to visit them as my dislike of him has been obvious for several years. My sister, who lives locally to them, is close to giving up on her.
As an 84-year-old who gave up driving just this year may I offer some advice that helped me. BEFORE giving up driving I worked out how I was going to get around, and used all of those services first before stopping. There is no public bus route in my area of the city but I found the transit has a special minibus you can arrange to pick you up, I have a helper come once a week who drives me to appointments and I make medical appointments on the day she will be here. I was able to get a grant to help with the cost. We have a group of volunteers called Molly's Angles who volunteer rides for seniors to the store and medical appointments and grocery shopping. My son comes to visit the same day each week so again I plan outings on the day I know he will be coming. Once my neighbors knew I was no longer driving they volunteer to give me rides and I take up the offer. Finally, I have things delivered. The thing that made it easier to give up driving was planning ahead and trying out all the services before. Hope this helps.
I think this is really good advice. Both my grandmother and my parents were able to give up driving without too much angst because they planned for it - so they knew they weren’t giving up their independence or their social lives.
My dad had a difficult time giving up driving. He worked as a regional sales manager and drove constantly throughout his career. One would think he might be glad to drive far less than he had been required to for decades, but not so. Fender benders and close calls were actually the beginning of his journey toward legal blindness and eventually his dementia diagnosis (Lewy Body), and losing his driving privileges was hard for him. At 83 he's now in the memory care unit of a very good local nursing home, and my mother (80) is on her own. I'm hundreds of miles away and have been for some time, so I missed his decline first-hand which has been a blessing and a curse. The rest of my family (sister & bro-in-law & kids, brother & sister-in-law & kids) has made this multi-year journey alongside mom & dad, and while I'd never say it added to the distance, I do feel at a resigned remove. Dad's never been much of a phone talker, and his emails stopped long before his driving ended, so there's been a lot of emptiness for me regarding him even though he's still with us. Doing my best to remember him fit, fun-loving and well.
As an 84-year-old who gave up driving just this year may I offer some advice that helped me. BEFORE giving up driving I worked out how I was going to get around, and used all of those services first before stopping. There is no public bus route in my area of the city but I found the transit has a special minibus you can arrange to pick you up, I have a helper come once a week who drives me to appointments and I make medical appointments on the day she will be here. I was able to get a grant to help with the cost. We have a group of volunteers called Molly's Angles who volunteer rides for seniors to the store and medical appointments and grocery shopping. My son comes to visit the same day each week so again I plan outings on the day I know he will be coming. Once my neighbors knew I was no longer driving they volunteer to give me rides and I take up the offer. Finally, I have things delivered. The thing that made it easier to give up driving was planning ahead and trying out all the services before. Hope this helps.
My mother was having a routine check-up in her 80s in which the doctor asked her about her activities to which she replied 'Driving old dears to the supermarket'. She gave up after a traffic accident in which she was a passenger, but nevertheless got a quare gunk as they say at home. The old dears were well annoyed.
I was prepared to drive my APs wherever they needed to go after planning to force them to quit driving. There is no nearby public transportation, and they wouldn't have had a clue how to use that service even if it did exist.
Having a plan in place is a necessary part of getting the APs to quit driving.
This is so very difficult to take a parent's wheels away when they have been independent and not needing anyone's help for many decades. I've already told my daughter to take my license and car keys away when she knows I'm no longer safe on the road. Even though I know it's the right thing to do, it will not be something to look forward to.
As an 84-year-old who gave up driving just this year may I offer some advice that helped me. BEFORE giving up driving I worked out how I was going to get around, and used all of those services first before stopping. There is no public bus route in my area of the city but I found the transit has a special minibus you can arrange to pick you up, I have a helper come once a week who drives me to appointments and I make medical appointments on the day she will be here. I was able to get a grant to help with the cost. We have a group of volunteers called Molly's Angles who volunteer rides for seniors to the store and medical appointments and grocery shopping. My son comes to visit the same day each week so again I plan outings on the day I know he will be coming. Once my neighbors knew I was no longer driving they volunteer to give me rides and I take up the offer. Finally, I have things delivered. The thing that made it easier to give up driving was planning ahead and trying out all the services before. Hope this helps.
We are both now in our late seventies, and have worked out what we will do as time gets by. Our small Sydney suburb has no shops or other facilities (they're barred by restrictive covenants), but our doctor and pharmacy are only 1 station away to the north; there's one of the chain supermarkets 1 station south, and another 2 stations to the south gets you to the supermarket we normally use. Our butcher is about 10 minutes walk away, with a slope which a wheelchair or mobility chair could easily manage . All the shopping can be delivered. It's a near level 5 minute walk to the station for us, and almost all Sydney stations that I know of have lift/elevator access (the one that doesn't has paths with a gentle slope). With a quarter-hourly service, it's never long to wait. The trains take wheelchairs and the guard will help boarding and alighting when there's no station assistant. You just tell the guard where you want to alight as you board. If we reach the stage when we're not ready for a nursing home, but unable to live as we do now, there's an equivalent to Molly's Angels.
Attending church by train will demand forethought. There are a couple of ways we could travel by public transport. Each requires a change, and experience has shown that there's never an easy connection.
As far as the house is concerned, part of the renovations we carried out a few years ago saw us making our bedroom and bathroom etc on the ground floor, and putting in a miniscule lift, down to the garage and up to the the first floor.
Moving my mother into care was one of the most difficult things I've done, @GillH. I hope she settles well, but don't worry if it takes some time. I hope your dad is OK with his care package too.
@Gill H I hope you can get a bit of rest now. There are a lot of us knowing what you're going through. It's so difficult and exhausting and stressful. You are an awesome child and advocate for your parents!!
Mum was 90 yesterday. It was a difficult day for her because it was also the second anniversary of Dad's death and she said she didn't want to do anything celebratory.
And so the birthday celebrations start today!
Someone came from the care agency yesterday to arrange Dad’s package of care.
The meeting took two and a half hours!
She had quite a task filling out the ‘About You’ section. She asked Dad about his history, work etc. She got something the length of ‘War and Peace’! And along the way we had to explain (and spell) words like ‘ordained’, ‘deacon’, ‘curate’ … and she’d never heard of The Archers!
Happy birthday to North East Mum - I don't think I realised that your dad had died on her birthday.
My brother-in-law died the day after his birthday (and the day before mine); I'm glad the only family member with a birthday near David's anniversary is my niece's husband (the day after).
My dad died on my sister in laws birthday. Though she was going out with my brother at the time he never met her, which is a shame, as they would have liked each other.
I hope they find someone to care for your dad that’s a good match @Gill H .
Visited Mum at the respite home. She is mostly confused and upset at the moment. She wants her Rice Krispies with brown sugar and milk in her white bowl with the blue rim - and doesn’t understand why they can’t give it to her.
For the last two years she has eaten virtually the same things every day, and so it is a real struggle to get her to eat anything.
So, Dad had a fall this morning. He got a boo-boo on his right arm, just below the elbow. 'Did he hurt his head?' I asked. They didn't know for sure, because nobody actually saw the fall, but were with him quickly. Just in case, I asked them to send him to the emergency room.
After sitting with him for six hours or so, the night shift doctor came in wearing an N-95 mask. Dad has Covid. Plus suspected bacterial pneumonia.
Since he's had the two original Covid injections and two boosters, the doc was going to send him home with antibiotics. However, his O2 was only 90 until they put him on oxygen. So Doctor L said he had no choice but to admit him.
Thank you all. Your prayers and kind words lift me up!
Dad is in a regular room now. The nurse took the oxygen away to check his O2 level. It was worse than yesterday, only 87. But, he's ok. He's not fretting and he is eating well.
Since I was right in his face all day yesterday, I went ahead and had an initial Covid test last night, which came out negative. Out of an abundance of caution, I'll play the piano for the church service tomorrow, but I'll be wearing an N-95 mask (then with my asthma, I won't get any oxygen!!!) and staying away from everyone. The pastor and song leader already know this, so all will be well. Then I'll go back to sit with Daddy-O after I leave church.
Dad is now at rehab! The best thing is that the rehab is on the second floor of the building where he lives!!
His most serious concern, which he asked me at least seven times, was if he was going to get his meals!
He'll get physical therapy twice a day. And, he secretly got himself out of bed to go to the toilet a few times both where he is now, and at the hospital. I have no idea how he crawled over the bed rails.
JediJudy - if you are fairly sure he really is climbing over the bed rails, please discuss this with the staff. Bed rails shouldn’t be used as a means of restraint, i.e. preventing a mobile person from getting out of bed. If the person attempts to climb over, they can have a much nastier fall than just getting out of a bed with no rails.
If he needs rails so he doesn’t fall out in his sleep, but wants to be able to get up to go to the toilet, they should have three-quarter rails available for the bed (with a gap down the far end).
@Aravis believe me, the hospital staff and I talked at length about that. Last year when Dad was in the hospital, he was so restless and tried to get out of bed so many times that they had to put restraints on him.
The rehab facility is not allowed to use bed rails at all. Neither is the floor below where Dad normally lives. When Mom was still alive, and sundowning all the time, she would try to get up and fell a few times. The only thing the night staff could do was to put the bed against a wall, but that didn't work for all the other necessary things like bathing and turning Mom.
It's a tough thing, and I understand the different rules for the different facilities.
She received a delivery of a bottle of champagne today. As it was alcohol she had to confirm her age to the delivery person. Simply confirming that she was over 18 wasn't sufficient, she had to confirm her exact age.
She is highly delighted to have been carded at 90.
July 11, Daughter-Unit and I took my Daddy-O to visit family in Pennsylvania. It had been at least ten years since he had been up there. Dad and his younger brother had both said they would probably never see each other again.
When Mom was close to death, my daughter (M) and I came up with a plan to give Dad a reason to live after Mom was gone. The trip was the plan, and I think it was very successful! All the relatives made a fuss over Dad, and we had a great time driving on the roads that Dad probably recognized the last time he was up.
We tried to build in a lot of resting time for Dad, and that worked very well. He actually slept in every morning instead of rising at 4 or 5 AM!
After we got settled in our hotel rooms, Dad was pretty perky, so we took him to see his brother. Dad did recognize him, and my uncle was in tears thanking us. He is mentally good, but physically in very poor health. We were honored that he wanted to make dinner for us two days later, with a lot of help from his oldest son. When we arrived for dinner, Dad didn't know who his brother was and kept saying how nice it was to meet him. My uncle's wife had died of Alzheimer's a few years ago, so he knew that it was a very real possibility for Dad to not recognize him.
All in all, it was a very good time and Dad was very happy. M is going to frame some of the family pictures we took to hang in his room, and will make an album for him to look at so hopefully he'll have a few memories of our trip. My memories of our time will be cherished ones.
So glad you were able to take your dad on that trip @jedijudy. It sounds absolutely the right thing to do, and I'm glad the brothers got to meet up again.
I have an update on Dad. He has only the vaguest recollection of our trip to PA, which makes me sad, but not surprised. When I show him pictures, I think he claims to have a small memory in order to make me feel better. It's all so heartbreaking.
Yesterday he was accepted into Hospice. Like Mom, he'll stay in his living space, and the Hospice doctors, nurses and CNAs will come to him for whatever he needs. They are wonderful people, and the counsellor has already called me to make sure I'm OK. Plus, Mom was in the Hospice program for six months before she died, so I'm hopeful Dad will last at least that long.
Dad called with great concern because there is an oxygen tank beside his bed, and he didn't know why it was there, and didn't know how to use it. I tried to help him to understand that he doesn't have to do anything, that the caregivers will make sure it's turned on and helping him to use it when he sleeps. Dad has COPD, and has struggled to breathe quite a lot lately, which means he is probably struggling while he sleeps, too.
It seemed to be the right time to send a strongly worded email to my brother (and sister useless, too) suggesting that they might want to make the effort to spend time with Dad now. I did talk to s-u on the phone, and she has told me she'll be able to come down more often to be with Dad.
Dad has been ready to go to Heaven, especially since we returned from our trip. I understand that. I'm just selfishly wanting to keep him with me as long as possible.
Mr Lamb has another trip scheduled to CA because his brother has told him that their sister with Alzheimer's won't make it to Thanksgiving. I'm a bit miffed at the brother, because he seems to spin things for maximum drama, but we can't be sure, so Mr Lamb is going.
jj, your trip to PA was wonderful in so many ways. Your father remembering would be a bonus, but his not remembering does not negate any of the positives - the time you spent with him, his happiness on the trip, the meeting of the two brothers.
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Once his move was sorted he sold the car as he no longer needed to chauffeur my mother, and felt his own needs would be met by taxis as necessary at less cost than running a car.
I think this is really good advice. Both my grandmother and my parents were able to give up driving without too much angst because they planned for it - so they knew they weren’t giving up their independence or their social lives.
You are brilliant.
Having a plan in place is a necessary part of getting the APs to quit driving.
This is so very difficult to take a parent's wheels away when they have been independent and not needing anyone's help for many decades. I've already told my daughter to take my license and car keys away when she knows I'm no longer safe on the road. Even though I know it's the right thing to do, it will not be something to look forward to.
We are both now in our late seventies, and have worked out what we will do as time gets by. Our small Sydney suburb has no shops or other facilities (they're barred by restrictive covenants), but our doctor and pharmacy are only 1 station away to the north; there's one of the chain supermarkets 1 station south, and another 2 stations to the south gets you to the supermarket we normally use. Our butcher is about 10 minutes walk away, with a slope which a wheelchair or mobility chair could easily manage . All the shopping can be delivered. It's a near level 5 minute walk to the station for us, and almost all Sydney stations that I know of have lift/elevator access (the one that doesn't has paths with a gentle slope). With a quarter-hourly service, it's never long to wait. The trains take wheelchairs and the guard will help boarding and alighting when there's no station assistant. You just tell the guard where you want to alight as you board. If we reach the stage when we're not ready for a nursing home, but unable to live as we do now, there's an equivalent to Molly's Angels.
Attending church by train will demand forethought. There are a couple of ways we could travel by public transport. Each requires a change, and experience has shown that there's never an easy connection.
As far as the house is concerned, part of the renovations we carried out a few years ago saw us making our bedroom and bathroom etc on the ground floor, and putting in a miniscule lift, down to the garage and up to the the first floor.
Dad is doing OK, I am helping as much as I can and he will have his own package of care starting next week.
Lots to sort out, but I have got through one of the most stressful and exhausting weeks of my life making this happen.
And so the birthday celebrations start today!
Fortunately my father’s 90th last month was in a different part of the year from my mother’s death in August (2020).
So far, it is indeed only a bite of rest for us!
The meeting took two and a half hours!
She had quite a task filling out the ‘About You’ section. She asked Dad about his history, work etc. She got something the length of ‘War and Peace’! And along the way we had to explain (and spell) words like ‘ordained’, ‘deacon’, ‘curate’ … and she’d never heard of The Archers!
My brother-in-law died the day after his birthday (and the day before mine); I'm glad the only family member with a birthday near David's anniversary is my niece's husband (the day after).
I hope they find someone to care for your dad that’s a good match @Gill H .
For the last two years she has eaten virtually the same things every day, and so it is a real struggle to get her to eat anything.
After sitting with him for six hours or so, the night shift doctor came in wearing an N-95 mask. Dad has Covid. Plus suspected bacterial pneumonia.
Since he's had the two original Covid injections and two boosters, the doc was going to send him home with antibiotics. However, his O2 was only 90 until they put him on oxygen. So Doctor L said he had no choice but to admit him.
Poor Daddy-O.
Dad is in a regular room now. The nurse took the oxygen away to check his O2 level. It was worse than yesterday, only 87. But, he's ok. He's not fretting and he is eating well.
Since I was right in his face all day yesterday, I went ahead and had an initial Covid test last night, which came out negative. Out of an abundance of caution, I'll play the piano for the church service tomorrow, but I'll be wearing an N-95 mask (then with my asthma, I won't get any oxygen!!!) and staying away from everyone. The pastor and song leader already know this, so all will be well. Then I'll go back to sit with Daddy-O after I leave church.
Dad looked more perky today, but he's very weak.
He's still in the hospital.
His most serious concern, which he asked me at least seven times, was if he was going to get his meals!
He'll get physical therapy twice a day. And, he secretly got himself out of bed to go to the toilet a few times both where he is now, and at the hospital. I have no idea how he crawled over the bed rails.
If he needs rails so he doesn’t fall out in his sleep, but wants to be able to get up to go to the toilet, they should have three-quarter rails available for the bed (with a gap down the far end).
The rehab facility is not allowed to use bed rails at all. Neither is the floor below where Dad normally lives. When Mom was still alive, and sundowning all the time, she would try to get up and fell a few times. The only thing the night staff could do was to put the bed against a wall, but that didn't work for all the other necessary things like bathing and turning Mom.
It's a tough thing, and I understand the different rules for the different facilities.
She received a delivery of a bottle of champagne today. As it was alcohol she had to confirm her age to the delivery person. Simply confirming that she was over 18 wasn't sufficient, she had to confirm her exact age.
She is highly delighted to have been carded at 90.
She certainly enjoyed having to confirm she was old enough to take delivery of it!
When Mom was close to death, my daughter (M) and I came up with a plan to give Dad a reason to live after Mom was gone. The trip was the plan, and I think it was very successful! All the relatives made a fuss over Dad, and we had a great time driving on the roads that Dad probably recognized the last time he was up.
We tried to build in a lot of resting time for Dad, and that worked very well. He actually slept in every morning instead of rising at 4 or 5 AM!
After we got settled in our hotel rooms, Dad was pretty perky, so we took him to see his brother. Dad did recognize him, and my uncle was in tears thanking us. He is mentally good, but physically in very poor health. We were honored that he wanted to make dinner for us two days later, with a lot of help from his oldest son. When we arrived for dinner, Dad didn't know who his brother was and kept saying how nice it was to meet him.
All in all, it was a very good time and Dad was very happy. M is going to frame some of the family pictures we took to hang in his room, and will make an album for him to look at so hopefully he'll have a few memories of our trip. My memories of our time will be cherished ones.
Yesterday he was accepted into Hospice. Like Mom, he'll stay in his living space, and the Hospice doctors, nurses and CNAs will come to him for whatever he needs. They are wonderful people, and the counsellor has already called me to make sure I'm OK. Plus, Mom was in the Hospice program for six months before she died, so I'm hopeful Dad will last at least that long.
Dad called with great concern because there is an oxygen tank beside his bed, and he didn't know why it was there, and didn't know how to use it. I tried to help him to understand that he doesn't have to do anything, that the caregivers will make sure it's turned on and helping him to use it when he sleeps. Dad has COPD, and has struggled to breathe quite a lot lately, which means he is probably struggling while he sleeps, too.
It seemed to be the right time to send a strongly worded email to my brother (and sister useless, too) suggesting that they might want to make the effort to spend time with Dad now. I did talk to s-u on the phone, and she has told me she'll be able to come down more often to be with Dad.
Dad has been ready to go to Heaven, especially since we returned from our trip. I understand that. I'm just selfishly wanting to keep him with me as long as possible.
I hope your brother and sister respond to your emails appropriately.
You are an exceptional daughter.