Kind regards @Caissa. I've no advice except be with the people you may.
We've done about half a funeral I guess, two weeks since he died. My wife and I are local, and one child. Our children and rest of family are far away. So we've done the necessary things here but there's more for the future. We're discussing tomorrow what a memorial might look like in the future in a video call. "Celebration of life" is one term being promoted by my sister. Which could be quite a long time from now.
We began sorting through his things today. Which is sorrow and humour.
We began sorting through his things today. Which is sorrow and humour.
I remember the four of us adult kids sorting through Dad's stuff. The laughter and tears, the retelling of family memories and stories. It was exhausting.
I hope you can look after yourselves and each other.
There's still sorting going on of my dad's stuff, some of it rather poignant.
Dad was in the habit of sending us cheques for birthday presents, and while going through some wallets, my sister found a cheque that Dad had written to my brother-in-law and was dated a few days before my b-i-l died.
I don't think it was a case of not getting round to posting it; I think it more likely that my sister would have told him that my b-i-l was unlikely to live much longer (he had terminal cancer and died the day after his birthday).
The only thing we can't understand is why Dad kept the cheque.
That says a lot about your dad @piglet. i don't think I could have thrown it away either.
We're staying with my mother in law for a few days. All I can say is we're up shit creek here. Not at all sure how much longer she can stay living on her own with just brother in law popping in a couple of times a day.
When clearing the Dowager's house (and what a marathon that was) I found a birthday card addressed to my father, from my maternal grandfather. My father died the day before his birthday and the card had obviously arrived but never been opened. Inside there was a £5 note and a card with the message 'Best wishes' beneath which my grandfather had written 'If brevity is the soul of wit you should be laughing for days!'
My paternal grandmother (who lived with my parents) died a few days short of her 90th birthday, and birthday cards and sympathy cards were arriving in the same post.
We're back from my mother in laws. In many ways it was lovely to spend time with her, but she really needs someone in the house pretty much full time now. She keeps having 'accidents' and has very little understanding of anything. I'm hoping that spending a week away from his mother will have given my brother in law time to think about what is needed next.
Anyone else finding it Really Odd with APs in care / nursing homes right now?
Mine can only have the One designated visitor. So it makes sense to be the offspring who lives nearest, not those of us scattered about the UK. So it is letters and cards for us.... and they can’t reply.
My AP can’t cope with phone calls, much less video calls. And they find even a pre recorded video to be bizarre and troubling.
There is a (Closed) Facebook link with the home, but tbh I am finding that even worse.
My AP is not of the type to be jollied into “activities” and much prefers to gently doze their way through a summers /autumnal afternoon to the hazy backdrop of their favourite radio programme.
But that is not everso facebookable! So all I see is a gently dozing AP oblivious to all that is going on around them
I agree @Ethne Alba. I'd be my mother's one designated person but haven't visited yet, I'm not even sure if they are re-open for visits anyway. Now I've done gallivanting for a while I'm going to chase things up and see what is happening. I keep on sending in notes and presents for mum, but don't get a lot of feedback as to whether she enjoyed them, or even received them.
Anyone else finding it Really Odd with APs in care / nursing homes right now?
Mine can only have the One designated visitor. So it makes sense to be the offspring who lives nearest, not those of us scattered about the UK. So it is letters and cards for us.... and they can’t reply.
My AP can’t cope with phone calls, much less video calls. And they find even a pre recorded video to be bizarre and troubling.
There is a (Closed) Facebook link with the home, but tbh I am finding that even worse.
My AP is not of the type to be jollied into “activities” and much prefers to gently doze their way through a summers /autumnal afternoon to the hazy backdrop of their favourite radio programme.
But that is not everso facebookable! So all I see is a gently dozing AP oblivious to all that is going on around them
Sorry to sound so depressing....
This was very much my mother’s situation. The home was fully locked down with no visitors allowed. My father would go about twice a week with supplies of Kit Kat’s and shortbread, plus messages and photographs.
On the one visit he was able to have just before she died, he was pleased to see her wall plastered with the messages and photographs he had taken in.
(That twenty or so weeks was the longest they had been apart since before they were married in 1956.)
The feedback from the home while she was alive was that the supplies and communications were much appreciated by my mother.
I am waiting until NZ goes back to Alert Level 1 to visit my brother with Parkinsons as travel will be easier then - and, hopefully the weather will be warmer, meanwhile I am sending cards. I found 5 for only $1 each today, so that's 5 weeks worth taken care of.
Now that I have been to a post office and renewed my supply of stamps, this is what I need to do for my sister. I haven’t seen her since February. She is in an area with additional restrictions so I don’t know when visits to her Home will be allowed again. I assume if only one person is allowed to visit that it will be her son, who lives nearest. Actually this suits me as my husband has been shielding and I have no wish to bring home the virus, but it is a long time to be without contact. I did get a letter from her back in May, which was most unusual.
You cope by putting one foot in front of the other. There are levels of recognition which you only learn as people stop recognising you. We stayed as people Mum trusted long after she could remember our names. She called Dad by her brothers' names and my sister by my name* regularly for years and then at times she would be lucid and recall exactly who someone was. She understood enough when Dad died to want to send flowers. While something is taken there always seems to be that fragment that is left behind.
*I share a name with my Aunt so it was the go-to family name for someone she recognised as family. All the harder because when she actually recognised me she would use my nickname but my sister never believed me about it being my Aunt.
Dad has steroids once a fortnight, and it looks as though his "moments of confusion" tend to happen after he's had the steroids. He's having "where did I put my glasses" moments at all times, but the proper confusion seems to be linked to the steroids. Mum gets very anxious about the proper confusion, and then the ongoing "where are my glasses" keeps the issue bubbling away till the next real confusion.
(I don't regard "where are my glasses?" as an issue because that's normal life in the North East household.)
I think I'm going to start diarying what Mum reports on the phone to get a clearer idea of the pattern.
Hi @North East Quine , I did similar dairying with my mother, but there wasn't anything such as the steroids that could have been the culprit, other than perhaps being worse when she'd had alcohol.
I'm sorry about the non-recognition @Ethne Alba .
Things are slowly moving to try and get my mother in law the help she needs. Husband and I are sure that a care home is the only solution, the rest of the family want to try everything else first, including things I don't think are sensible, such as a sister giving up her job to become her mum's carer. We're trying not to fall out with them, and as we are the ones that see her the least we really don't have a say.
Thing is, when a daughter becomes a care-er, then the parent looses their daughter.
But I guess that you ll never get that across.
I have been there too myself, feeling as though a care home was the Very Worst Thing Possible and finding myself considering Caring Fulltime for our AP.
When we were facing this situation, we were blessed with an extremely blunt consultant who spelled out in excruciating detail the various ways that our AP ‘s illness would progress.
And it did.
Had we taken the Doing The Caring Ourselves....... I shudder to think what would have happened.
And that is with me having worked in care for nine years and my sibling a registered nurse. We just could not have done it.
Well, a team of three crack squad carers (Per Shift!) were unable to look after AP safely.....so matters were removed from the family.
AP could not remain at home.
Simple as.
But I just wish that we had not waited until all other avenues were exhausted. Because by then AP was as well.
Lessons we learned?
If any of us siblings require residential care then we will take up that option sooner rather than later. Moving immediately after a crisis is Not Great. I really wish that we could have had a Planned Admission.
In other Happier news, AP sees their chiropodist next week for the first time since March!
I came across a hangover from the days before carers here today. I'd noticed a tub in the supermarket for sanitary items to be donated, so went to the remaining bags of pads I had, to see if they could be given. There were two bags, and in each I found three pads which had been removed from their individual wrappings and stuffed back in the bag on top of a layer of still packed pads. This had to have been done by my friend's mother before we awitched to pants, and been a sign of her approaching confusion. I'm finding this a bit more disturbing than I would have thought.
I can't give away the remaining packed pads. Might keep them for any day when I go on a demo where I might be kettled. Or travel somewhere where the loos are likely to be unavailable.
Mom and Dad have had a flood in their house, so this week has been busy with taking care of all that mess. Dad had been a carpenter, insurance agent and building contractor. It's so sad to see him unable to know what should be done when an emergency happens.
During the many phone calls and workers coming to the door, Mom sat on the couch expressing concern that maybe she should go home, and at least get some more clothes, since she was only planning to visit there for a day or two. She doesn't understand that where she is is her home. It helps to just let her know that we have brought her clothes and they are in the closet. That seems to alleviate her worries for a few minutes.
Mom and Dad are slowly disappearing.
ps...My sister asked what she could do to help. I suggested that she and her husband (very, very well to do) could help with some of the expenses Mom and Dad are facing. Crickets.
Comments
Amen
We've done about half a funeral I guess, two weeks since he died. My wife and I are local, and one child. Our children and rest of family are far away. So we've done the necessary things here but there's more for the future. We're discussing tomorrow what a memorial might look like in the future in a video call. "Celebration of life" is one term being promoted by my sister. Which could be quite a long time from now.
We began sorting through his things today. Which is sorrow and humour.
I remember the four of us adult kids sorting through Dad's stuff. The laughter and tears, the retelling of family memories and stories. It was exhausting.
I hope you can look after yourselves and each other.
Thinking of you and your family, Np_Np.
There's still sorting going on of my dad's stuff, some of it rather poignant.
Dad was in the habit of sending us cheques for birthday presents, and while going through some wallets, my sister found a cheque that Dad had written to my brother-in-law and was dated a few days before my b-i-l died.
I don't think it was a case of not getting round to posting it; I think it more likely that my sister would have told him that my b-i-l was unlikely to live much longer (he had terminal cancer and died the day after his birthday).
The only thing we can't understand is why Dad kept the cheque.
We're staying with my mother in law for a few days. All I can say is we're up shit creek here. Not at all sure how much longer she can stay living on her own with just brother in law popping in a couple of times a day.
That brought back my grandfather so clearly...
Mine can only have the One designated visitor. So it makes sense to be the offspring who lives nearest, not those of us scattered about the UK. So it is letters and cards for us.... and they can’t reply.
My AP can’t cope with phone calls, much less video calls. And they find even a pre recorded video to be bizarre and troubling.
There is a (Closed) Facebook link with the home, but tbh I am finding that even worse.
My AP is not of the type to be jollied into “activities” and much prefers to gently doze their way through a summers /autumnal afternoon to the hazy backdrop of their favourite radio programme.
But that is not everso facebookable! So all I see is a gently dozing AP oblivious to all that is going on around them
Sorry to sound so depressing....
This was very much my mother’s situation. The home was fully locked down with no visitors allowed. My father would go about twice a week with supplies of Kit Kat’s and shortbread, plus messages and photographs.
On the one visit he was able to have just before she died, he was pleased to see her wall plastered with the messages and photographs he had taken in.
(That twenty or so weeks was the longest they had been apart since before they were married in 1956.)
The feedback from the home while she was alive was that the supplies and communications were much appreciated by my mother.
Today my AP had their visit from the one person allowed.
Sadly, I ve just been told that AP really had No idea who their visitor was. It has been building up to this long goodbye for a while now.
I m just hoping they appreciated the garden flower bouquet. Really have no idea how on Earth my sibling copes .......
You cope by putting one foot in front of the other. There are levels of recognition which you only learn as people stop recognising you. We stayed as people Mum trusted long after she could remember our names. She called Dad by her brothers' names and my sister by my name* regularly for years and then at times she would be lucid and recall exactly who someone was. She understood enough when Dad died to want to send flowers. While something is taken there always seems to be that fragment that is left behind.
*I share a name with my Aunt so it was the go-to family name for someone she recognised as family. All the harder because when she actually recognised me she would use my nickname but my sister never believed me about it being my Aunt.
(I don't regard "where are my glasses?" as an issue because that's normal life in the North East household.)
I think I'm going to start diarying what Mum reports on the phone to get a clearer idea of the pattern.
I'm sorry about the non-recognition @Ethne Alba .
Things are slowly moving to try and get my mother in law the help she needs. Husband and I are sure that a care home is the only solution, the rest of the family want to try everything else first, including things I don't think are sensible, such as a sister giving up her job to become her mum's carer. We're trying not to fall out with them, and as we are the ones that see her the least we really don't have a say.
But I guess that you ll never get that across.
I have been there too myself, feeling as though a care home was the Very Worst Thing Possible and finding myself considering Caring Fulltime for our AP.
When we were facing this situation, we were blessed with an extremely blunt consultant who spelled out in excruciating detail the various ways that our AP ‘s illness would progress.
And it did.
Had we taken the Doing The Caring Ourselves....... I shudder to think what would have happened.
And that is with me having worked in care for nine years and my sibling a registered nurse. We just could not have done it.
Well, a team of three crack squad carers (Per Shift!) were unable to look after AP safely.....so matters were removed from the family.
AP could not remain at home.
Simple as.
But I just wish that we had not waited until all other avenues were exhausted. Because by then AP was as well.
Lessons we learned?
If any of us siblings require residential care then we will take up that option sooner rather than later. Moving immediately after a crisis is Not Great. I really wish that we could have had a Planned Admission.
In other Happier news, AP sees their chiropodist next week for the first time since March!
(Apologies that was very long)
I can't give away the remaining packed pads. Might keep them for any day when I go on a demo where I might be kettled. Or travel somewhere where the loos are likely to be unavailable.
I was once given an enamelled bed pan, a male bed-bottle and large bowel.
I kept them for longer than I am going to admit to here, on the basis that
“ They might come in handy one day” )
A large bowel would be handy on a long plane trip - limited need to use those tiny loos.
During the many phone calls and workers coming to the door, Mom sat on the couch expressing concern that maybe she should go home, and at least get some more clothes, since she was only planning to visit there for a day or two. She doesn't understand that where she is is her home. It helps to just let her know that we have brought her clothes and they are in the closet. That seems to alleviate her worries for a few minutes.
Mom and Dad are slowly disappearing.
ps...My sister asked what she could do to help. I suggested that she and her husband (very, very well to do) could help with some of the expenses Mom and Dad are facing. Crickets.