Damn damn damn. And I hate being the gutless one who each sibling thinks is backing them because I agree with the last person I spoke to.
I sympathise with this position immensely. My late father once described me as being very perspicacious - I had to look it up - able to see every side of an argument. It makes finding opinions very very difficult - until I discovered that if I took my brain out of the equation and followed my instinct / gut / heart - however you like to view it and hold the opinion of "how I felt" rather than "what I think". For me that made things easier.
Zappa - what a nightmare - praying for everyone involved.
I am feeling guilty for not being more involved with decisions regarding my brother - I cancelled a trip up north for his 70th birthday because of a combination of factors, including my own health. I have re-booked for November when I hope the weather is better.
Hugs and positive thoughts for Zappa, Huia and all of us who are doing our best for our APs and other family members.
Yesterday, I had a meeting with the wellness coordinator where my APs live. So far there has been no change in the care that I requested...it is the weekend, however. Impatient? Me? Never!!
At least I was able to make an appointment. There was a massive change of upper level staff very recently. I'm hoping for a massive change in communication, too. The previous wellness coordinator was almost impossible to reach, and she was not very helpful. (We were supposed to have a hard copy of M&D's care plans? Really?)
It's a full time job providing the care that D-U and I are responsible for, and to also chase the others who are responsible for the rest.
Mrs Z was taken back to hospital last night. Male Sibling Zappa who happened to be in her neck of the woods has cheerily assured us all is well, not a prob, would granddaughter mind picking her up as he's a bit busy?
Compared to so much that I see on this thread it probably isn't a prob[lem], but her frequent flier points with the ambulance service would be impressive if such a thing existed, and now once more she'll be spitting chips at everyone who dared to interfere.
Special prayers from us that a diagnosis and workable solution will both be found very quickly.
My father's aortic replacement has been switched from September to this Friday. I understand it is reasonably routine surgery yet at 85 no surgery is truly routine.
A slightly tense family and medical staff conference resulted in good outcomes I thing - Mrs Z will go home again, asap (though NZ plunged into lockdown after 170 days free last night, and she remains in hospital) with the understanding she will begin active search for low-level assisted living. Begin being a significant word.
One cause of tension, eventually resolved by a very generous apology from the very good gerontologist, was because the hospital that summoned the family for a meeting then shifted Mrs Z to another hospital and forgot to tell us the meeting wasn't happening. By that time Brother Z and I were in the air, flying 100s of kms to be there.
Because of that an unchoreographed meeting had to be called when Brother Z and I demanded some answers - but Mrs Z felt that meeting was behind her back (it was but accidentally) which rightly infuriated her.
Added to that Brother Z and Sister Z have as I've said before vastly differing views of Mrs Z's capabilities and are starting to get ropey with one another. For once I steered the right course, spoke little (no need to - dear God the siblings were, er, loquacious!) and managed to broker understanding. Two years of conflict resolution training may be starting to pay off after all.
Good outcomes and we left Mrs Z in pretty good spirits (despite a badly bruised face).
I think that is good news @zappa, though I hope the beginning to look for assisted living happens sooner rather than later or you'll be back in the position you are now before long.
My husband and his three siblings are managing to sort out their mother's move to care without too many fallings out. It is tricky though when everyone has a differing opinion as to what is for the best. Thankfully my brother just lets me get on with sorting out things for our mother.
Gosh @Caissa , prayers for your father….. and for you too!
The rest of us seem to be making little steps in the right direction.
I d quite like my AP to be making even a single step in any direction tbh. Time will tell if they are Off Their Feet completely. Or just shattered after the upheaval of past few months.
My sister reports that my father's procedure was successful this morning and that she has spoken to him. Thank you for everyone's kind words, thoughts and prayers.
And yes, Huia, I passed by Windwhistle on Tuesday. I believe a photo I took of the area that day is to be used by Radio New Zealand next week, one of five they asked me for (gloat, gloat, boast, boast). Though I'm damned if I know how a photo is conveyed on radio.
Sorry - the previous was more of a digression than I intended. But also happy to report that AP Zappa is home, though I haven't hear a progress report yet. The case plan seems more tightly constructed than any previously, so she should sail on till 100+ now.
Unless she ends up having one of the many seizure-falls she denies she has (even the very compassionate geriatrician rolled his eyes metaphorically when she was fiercely adamant about that) and is less fortunate than in the 15 or so in the past.
I tend to read this thread as advance warning of what to expect with my parents in years to come. Then, in a conversation with Mum yesterday, she made the comment that they might only be in their house for up to another decade, so she was going to get things repaired properly and hang the cost and my father's grumbles about it
They've been there since a couple of years before I was born. I can't imagine them living elsewhere. At least the practical one is trying to make sure that us offspring won't have too many problems...
I think it fair to say at this point that Mater and Pater Knotweed are not your typical post-75s! One is a reigning age-group European sports champion (I don't think they are identifiable from that...), and the other - the distaff side - can deadlift 70kg. That's about the same as her son-out-law Sandemaniac. At their age my Dad had had three hips done, and Mum hasn't got there yet (and may be strangled before she does, possibly this weekend when I visit).
Very wise to get things in order well in advance though. My other parent was leading meetings ten days before …. And cycling seven days before ….they died.
The family was busy thanking the Good Lord Above that they sorted their desk well in advance. That parent kept THE most disorganised desk usually!
Current AP also sorted their desk remarkably well, almost as if they had a premonition of their “totally unexpected collapse”. The one that led to residing in care…
I'm working on all this stuff now (for me, I mean). I don't want my kid to hate me.
My APs are still giving me the silent treatment--it's been since early July, and included not informing me of the birth of my first great-niece. AFAIK there are no family events coming up for the next nine months or so, so if they want to flatten me emotionally again they'll have to go out of their way to do it.
@Lamb Chopped , it is tough when APs are like that, bizarrely often with one member of the family as well.
Thing is, you can’t really do anything about it, can you?
Nope, unless I grovel. And the fallout from that would be more emotional abuse, which I am completely unable to handle at this moment--so I'm doing nothing at all.
But I'm having to take the max dose of my anti-anxiety med for this, and it sucks in a huge way. (Though it may make raprochement with my brother go better, as he's finally seeing that he's not the only one to get this treatment.)
AP had her first Pfizer jab the other day. Good on her (at 99). She told me later in the week "I had that injection ... don't know what it was for. That thing people are getting, I think." Cognitive focus is slipping rapidly.
After the move to a new home, AP is decidedly uncertain about me.
But they are apparently very eager to try most of the food on offer and were Perfectly fine about venturing out to the dining room for breakfast the other day. Priorities!
I could be forgotten, do they know they have any children? The memories of the spouse went a few years ago now;
“ that person looks kind”.
My role (in their eyes anyway) will be as a weekly visitor. Hopefully we can build up some sort of rapport together.
So hard @Ethne Alba, and you have worked so tirelessly (or maybe you were tired, but you still did it) to get this move because you knew and you still know it is the right thing. Hugs and prayers.
@Cathscats and @North East Quine , thanks. It feels a little lighter in my heart having admitted this here. ConfessionalMuch.
And it Is the right thing, also true that the Right Thing is not always bells n whistles and fluffy bubbles against a sunset is it? Sometimes the right things are heartbreaking things.
@Huia, crumbs, that ‘s tough. I think we might well have this coming. AP’s spouse is never referred to now. When the subject came up previously AP just glazed over. Spouse was dispatched quite quickly…with unseemly haste they were erased from memory!
Thing is ….
It’s an odd one isn’t it?
Over the past couple of years there have been times when even the family member close by was Not At All Certain AP recognised them.
Then the following week a full conversation would be started by AP enquiring about some aspect of the family members life or home or family!
Mind, things have been going inexorably downhill. Then Covid.
And masks, which really do not aid conversation at all.
But thinking sensibly, no member of the family has really visited properly since March 2020. Which leads to me Now saying
“ I ‘m sorry , we don’t know “
A Lot of times.
Truth to tell I possibly don’t mind not being recognised, but it was good to hear that Love Of Food is continuing!
Sleep n food.
It s not a bad way to end one’s life really. Now I ve just got to work out how Not To Be Annoying!
All that sounds so familiar, EA. The Dowager only really didn't know me once - I mean, mostly she knew I was someone she knew, even if she didn't know what relation I was to her. And she lost the memory of my father, though to be fair he'd been dead lo these 40 years by then, and yes, she still knew he 'looked nice'.
It's awfully hard, but here at least we don't alienate our surviving loved ones by wringing our hands and gnashing our teeth. We all know what it's like to have to convince others that no, AP is not 'marvellous' and 'coping so well'. And you are right, it does so help to be able to admit all this!
It's so hard to see our once vibrant and capable parents not remembering us, or how to do simple tasks, or not remembering their own names.
Dad went to the hospital Saturday, and Mom really can't be alone as she gets so frightened. I stayed with her the first night since we didn't know if Dad was being sent home from the ER or admitted. I took her home with me the next night until we sprung Dad on Monday evening. We were talking to another member of her assisted living facility, and she introduced me as "Bob's daughter". Later I asked her if she knew that I was her daughter too, and she looked totally surprised when she told me that she didn't know she had children, she just thought I belonged to her husband.
After hearing so many stories of memory loss here and from others I know IRL, you would think I'd be prepared for this. I'm not.
My sister was my mother's full-time carer. One morning my mother said to her: "Nurse, I'd like you to meet my daughter C some time. I think you'd get on well together."
C was me half a world away downunder, whereas "Nurse" (my sister) was with her all day every single day. I can never make up to my sister for that hurt.
I don't know if this will be of any help at all, but it's something I wish I'd thought of when 'the whole entering their world thing' arrived in my lap, and it's something that helps me with the littlies too.
When I can't understand why they can't do something really (to me) straightforward, like remember which colour is blue, or how to twist the knob to make the toy horse pop out of its stable, I say to myself 'transpose that to a different key' or 'Fourier transforms'. It just reminds me that there are all sorts of things that are obvious to others, but not to me.
That, and telling myself they are not doing this on purpose to make my life difficult, however much it resembles that!
That, and telling myself they are not doing this on purpose to make my life difficult, however much it resembles that!
This.
I think that some of the things that we normally do without thinking have somehow been forgotten by some of our APs. Simple things like putting things that are normally put into the waste basket are now hidden away. Or toileting. Or how to write their name.
My main prayer is that I'll outlive them. My secondary prayer is that I won't live to be their age.
Sorry to hear your mum didn't realise exactly who you are @jedijudy . Today I moved mum to her new care home. Fingers crossed it will be OK. Mum goes from being sweet to vile and back again at the drop of a hat, but I managed to get her there in one piece. It was a three hour drive in a private ambulence. and now I'm home feeling slightly blitzed
@Sarasa , I ve been thinking of & praying for you and waiting for this post! Do have a relaxing evening. Phew, job done! Now the new stage of this very strange journey we take.
Second visit for me tomorrow. I hope AP is awake but if not I’ll gently hum as the flowers are arranged. Then there are a few items to locate after AP’s ambulance ride up
They are bound to be finally located in a second unused wash bag, or rolled up in some unused socks. The new home are great, but I can’t expect them to go through every last item that was packed for AP.
Mum's teeth went AWOL yesterday. I popped into the home to pack her stuff up and noticed she wasn't wearing them, but was assured they were in her room. Today they were nowhere to be found. When they turn up, which they probably will, they'll be posted on to her. Mum can eat Ok without them, but she looks so much older.
Thank you for the suggestion of a private ambulance for the journey @Ethne Alba , it worked a treat.
As an AP myself, and in a part NHS part care home rehab place I have to say that the carers are pretty much verging towards sainthood. Twelve hour shifts, minimum wage, and never overstaffed they still manage to keep cherful and kind. Today we are two carers down, which puts the Sister in charge and the two young carers under a lot of pressure.
I can do nothing, and i mean nothing, on my own, but I try to keep my requirements as few as possible. Sometimes language is a problem but we eventually get there. Signs are universal!
All care home staff need more than just a round of applause!
Comments
I sympathise with this position immensely. My late father once described me as being very perspicacious - I had to look it up - able to see every side of an argument. It makes finding opinions very very difficult - until I discovered that if I took my brain out of the equation and followed my instinct / gut / heart - however you like to view it and hold the opinion of "how I felt" rather than "what I think". For me that made things easier.
Thinking of all with challenges.
I am feeling guilty for not being more involved with decisions regarding my brother - I cancelled a trip up north for his 70th birthday because of a combination of factors, including my own health. I have re-booked for November when I hope the weather is better.
Think of perspex.
Yesterday, I had a meeting with the wellness coordinator where my APs live. So far there has been no change in the care that I requested...it is the weekend, however. Impatient? Me? Never!!
At least I was able to make an appointment. There was a massive change of upper level staff very recently. I'm hoping for a massive change in communication, too. The previous wellness coordinator was almost impossible to reach, and she was not very helpful. (We were supposed to have a hard copy of M&D's care plans? Really?)
It's a full time job providing the care that D-U and I are responsible for, and to also chase the others who are responsible for the rest.
Amen to that @jedijudy - and for you and D-U.
Special prayers from us that a diagnosis and workable solution will both be found very quickly.
One cause of tension, eventually resolved by a very generous apology from the very good gerontologist, was because the hospital that summoned the family for a meeting then shifted Mrs Z to another hospital and forgot to tell us the meeting wasn't happening. By that time Brother Z and I were in the air, flying 100s of kms to be there.
Because of that an unchoreographed meeting had to be called when Brother Z and I demanded some answers - but Mrs Z felt that meeting was behind her back (it was but accidentally) which rightly infuriated her.
Added to that Brother Z and Sister Z have as I've said before vastly differing views of Mrs Z's capabilities and are starting to get ropey with one another. For once I steered the right course, spoke little (no need to - dear God the siblings were, er, loquacious!) and managed to broker understanding. Two years of conflict resolution training may be starting to pay off after all.
Good outcomes and we left Mrs Z in pretty good spirits (despite a badly bruised face).
Thanks for prayers. Big thanks.
I am not planning to go north until November (lockdowns permitting).
My husband and his three siblings are managing to sort out their mother's move to care without too many fallings out. It is tricky though when everyone has a differing opinion as to what is for the best. Thankfully my brother just lets me get on with sorting out things for our mother.
Gosh @Caissa , prayers for your father….. and for you too!
The rest of us seem to be making little steps in the right direction.
I d quite like my AP to be making even a single step in any direction tbh. Time will tell if they are Off Their Feet completely. Or just shattered after the upheaval of past few months.
The flights were seriously lumpy - funnily enough worse over your neck of the woods than in the windy city
And yes, Huia, I passed by Windwhistle on Tuesday. I believe a photo I took of the area that day is to be used by Radio New Zealand next week, one of five they asked me for (gloat, gloat, boast, boast). Though I'm damned if I know how a photo is conveyed on radio.
Unless she ends up having one of the many seizure-falls she denies she has (even the very compassionate geriatrician rolled his eyes metaphorically when she was fiercely adamant about that) and is less fortunate than in the 15 or so in the past.
They've been there since a couple of years before I was born. I can't imagine them living elsewhere. At least the practical one is trying to make sure that us offspring won't have too many problems...
The family was busy thanking the Good Lord Above that they sorted their desk well in advance. That parent kept THE most disorganised desk usually!
Current AP also sorted their desk remarkably well, almost as if they had a premonition of their “totally unexpected collapse”. The one that led to residing in care…
My APs are still giving me the silent treatment--it's been since early July, and included not informing me of the birth of my first great-niece. AFAIK there are no family events coming up for the next nine months or so, so if they want to flatten me emotionally again they'll have to go out of their way to do it.
Thing is, you can’t really do anything about it, can you?
But I'm having to take the max dose of my anti-anxiety med for this, and it sucks in a huge way. (Though it may make raprochement with my brother go better, as he's finally seeing that he's not the only one to get this treatment.)
But they are apparently very eager to try most of the food on offer and were Perfectly fine about venturing out to the dining room for breakfast the other day. Priorities!
I could be forgotten, do they know they have any children? The memories of the spouse went a few years ago now;
“ that person looks kind”.
My role (in their eyes anyway) will be as a weekly visitor. Hopefully we can build up some sort of rapport together.
But gosh
My Mum, on her last visit, denied she had a daughter and talked about Dad as "that man''.
And it Is the right thing, also true that the Right Thing is not always bells n whistles and fluffy bubbles against a sunset is it? Sometimes the right things are heartbreaking things.
@Huia, crumbs, that ‘s tough. I think we might well have this coming. AP’s spouse is never referred to now. When the subject came up previously AP just glazed over. Spouse was dispatched quite quickly…with unseemly haste they were erased from memory!
Thing is ….
It’s an odd one isn’t it?
Over the past couple of years there have been times when even the family member close by was Not At All Certain AP recognised them.
Then the following week a full conversation would be started by AP enquiring about some aspect of the family members life or home or family!
Mind, things have been going inexorably downhill. Then Covid.
And masks, which really do not aid conversation at all.
But thinking sensibly, no member of the family has really visited properly since March 2020. Which leads to me Now saying
“ I ‘m sorry , we don’t know “
A Lot of times.
Truth to tell I possibly don’t mind not being recognised, but it was good to hear that Love Of Food is continuing!
Sleep n food.
It s not a bad way to end one’s life really. Now I ve just got to work out how Not To Be Annoying!
Maybe we will companionably watch telly together
It's awfully hard, but here at least we don't alienate our surviving loved ones by wringing our hands and gnashing our teeth. We all know what it's like to have to convince others that no, AP is not 'marvellous' and 'coping so well'. And you are right, it does so help to be able to admit all this!
Dad went to the hospital Saturday, and Mom really can't be alone as she gets so frightened. I stayed with her the first night since we didn't know if Dad was being sent home from the ER or admitted. I took her home with me the next night until we sprung Dad on Monday evening. We were talking to another member of her assisted living facility, and she introduced me as "Bob's daughter". Later I asked her if she knew that I was her daughter too, and she looked totally surprised when she told me that she didn't know she had children, she just thought I belonged to her husband.
After hearing so many stories of memory loss here and from others I know IRL, you would think I'd be prepared for this. I'm not.
It is the whole entering their world thing. I m still looking for the door…
C was me half a world away downunder, whereas "Nurse" (my sister) was with her all day every single day. I can never make up to my sister for that hurt.
When I can't understand why they can't do something really (to me) straightforward, like remember which colour is blue, or how to twist the knob to make the toy horse pop out of its stable, I say to myself 'transpose that to a different key' or 'Fourier transforms'. It just reminds me that there are all sorts of things that are obvious to others, but not to me.
That, and telling myself they are not doing this on purpose to make my life difficult, however much it resembles that!
This.
I think that some of the things that we normally do without thinking have somehow been forgotten by some of our APs. Simple things like putting things that are normally put into the waste basket are now hidden away. Or toileting. Or how to write their name.
My main prayer is that I'll outlive them. My secondary prayer is that I won't live to be their age.
How true - or at least, if I do, I'm in better shape mentally <votive>
Second visit for me tomorrow. I hope AP is awake but if not I’ll gently hum as the flowers are arranged. Then there are a few items to locate after AP’s ambulance ride up
Thank you for the suggestion of a private ambulance for the journey @Ethne Alba , it worked a treat.
I can do nothing, and i mean nothing, on my own, but I try to keep my requirements as few as possible. Sometimes language is a problem but we eventually get there. Signs are universal!
All care home staff need more than just a round of applause!
@Thomasina - bless you!