Just to re echo @Thomasina ’s comments re carers. It is many years since I worked as a carer and then the pay was considered to be low. I am told that is still the case.
But this week I have seen carers go above and beyond, taking the time to get to know the folk they care for and certainly cheerful & kind in barrowloads.
At the most recent visit AP didn’t like the look of me so I swopped to Spare Pair of Glasses. Much better apparently!
Tough to get any speech going though, so resorted to running sound clips of members of the family talking about regular ordinary things, the saved video clips that we send to each other. Just listening to known voices rattling on about known stuff started to unlock something.
Building on this, I launched into Scripture Union choruses, leaving out the last word, which was Always supplied correctly in a hushed whisper- complete with very restrained but completely accurate actions!
Quite what the carer thought as their head popped round the door…. I shudder to think. But we enjoyed ourselves!
I can see weekly visits being rather full of poetry, songs, ditties and rhymes!
That's brilliant. Those kind of things seem to stick in the memory better too. I remember visiting a ninety year old Great Aunt. The friend who provided my transport was from a similar evangelical background to her and they started singing hymns. Initially I was a bit embarrassed, but then I saw how much she was enjoying herself and I decided that was more important than how I felt.
Last time I visited my oldest brother I took him a book that was one of his favourites as a child and read it to him.
Certainly someone in my mum's old care home sang along to all the songs at the Christmas panto though she normally didn't say anything. It was a joy to see her looking so engaged. When she died the family gave the home a karaoke machine which seemed a good idea. My mother's reaction to the panto was that they should have done a more worthy play. I think she was thinking along the lines of Waiting for Godot.
Mum seems to be settling well in her new home. I'm going to see for myself on Saturday. I intend to go with a small bottle of wine that she should enjoy. @Thomasina , I agree about the amazingness of carers. They work so hard, for such little reward.
At a younger age, we saw a production on stage of Waiting for Godot. You could describe it as different, but interesting is another adjective that came to our minds.
I am not in the position that many of you find yourselves in but I read this thread often to share your joys and sorrows.
I didn't have the long period of caring for my mum at the end of her life, but during some of the final hospital visits communication with her was very difficult. I never thought to sing to her or read some of her favourite books or poems. Nine years later I still beat myself up over that.
... Nine years later I still beat myself up over that.
Don’t. You visited when you could, and whether your mum was aware of your visits really doesn't matter.
When we persuaded Dad (with difficulty) to take a couple of days off visiting Mum (for family weddings and a funeral in Edinburgh), we pointed out, quite logically, that Mum wouldn't know he'd been gone (and would have wanted him to go if she had). His response was that he would know, although in the end we did persuade him, and I think he was glad he went.
That's funny Next time I speak to Mum on the phone I'll mention this thread and threaten her with this.
(I looked this up fairly recently - if it was on here and I linked to it recently, I'm really sorry. I think it'll be me in the home not sure who anyone is, sometimes!)
Having moved my mother on Monday, it was husband's turn to move his yesterday. The home they've chosen sounds right for her as it has similar décor to her house, is small and has a pleasant garden. It went as well as these things can. The next task sorting out her house for sale has the potential to be much more contentious.
I'm pretty sure that it was at an Adelaide Festival. Certainly in a large theatre which just did not work. The old Nimrod or the Ensemble, even the Old Tote, would have been better venues.
To head back towards the title of the thread, we were at a production at the Old Tote, with Kate Fitzpatrick in some 18th century ballgown. Her left boob fell out, and without any fuss, she pulled the top of the gown out with one hand, flipped the boob back with the other, all the time carrying on with the play. Now she's our age, so very appropriate to mention her on a thread for ageing parents.
Visiting my current AP in a care home is very different from visiting the other AP, who was only in hospital a short while before they died.
And had I attempted any singing or poetry with That AP I would have been sent packing!
If they had not been up to dispatching me certainly there would have been no good outcome!
I do find myself very sad tho that Covid has stopped all the “enrichment things” that make for good care home living. The therapy dogs, carers with kittens who are allowed to bring them in, visiting donkeys, groups of dancers, carers who are competent at musical instruments, all that Stuff. I worked in one home that had a monthly visit from a parrot.
Hey ho
How long oh Lord
We like the visits from a parrot. Something very different that probably appealed to those living there. On a bit of a tangent, what has happened to the hobby very common when we were children of keeping canaries, budgies and other birds? It must be 35 or more years since we last saw one in a cage.
My grandmother occasionally kept budgies and my brother in law bred zebra finches several decades ago. The man a few doors down bred budgies, which my tom cat would sometimes catch. The local garden and pet centre still sold birds prior to lockdown but I suspect caged bird are unfashionable in the same way other caged animals are. A bird should be able to fly, IMO (unless they are a kakapo). Parrots are often given freedom to fly around rooms but other caged birds less so.
My dad used to breed budgies, and one of my earliest memories is sitting in my pram looking at them in their outdoor aviary. My mum's old home and her new one seem to be doing what they can with activities, so singers in the garden with the residents looking out the windows etc. Both also seem to have gone nuts on decorating said gardens with bits of random art work produced by the residents.
Both my mum and MiL seem to have settled quite well in their new homes. My visit with my mum yesterday was one of the most pleasant I've had in a while.
I used to be the activities co-ordinator in an elderly-care home. We had an annual visit from someone with snakes and reptiles to look at and handle. It was interesting, and surprisingly popular.
But not as popular as the PAT dog
Back in the day my Dad's aunt kept budgies. I believe every single budgie she ever owned was called Joey. (Not concurrently - more Joey is dead, long live Joey.)
Thank you for your reassuring comments following my post. I think I'd have known what to sing to my mum but as she had been a nurse she might well have been unsettled by my doing it in that context - some idea about disturbing the staff at their work.
Years ago a group from our church went carol singing in the local hospital. As we drew breath for verse two of something or other a very clear and rather despairing voice came from one of the beds saying, "Oh, no..."
Interesting about the animal visits. Some people are scared of birds, let alone snakes - I guess you have to proceed with caution.
My m-i-l still has budgies. When my f-i-l was still alive they were in a very small cage, and I wouldn't have dared interfere. Fortunately my m-i-l is more open to suggestions, so they now have a much larger cage which I found on Facebook Marketplace. They can spread their wings a bit and it's easier for her to clean too.
... We had an annual visit from someone with snakes ...
EEEEEEK!!!!
Thank goodness David wasn't one of your victims patients. He'd have sued you for elder abuse - he was absolutely terrified of snakes.
We have had carpet snakes from time to time. They're not poisonous, but I imagine that a bite could get infected without treatment. Black and Brown snakes give a potentially lethal bite, but I've not seen any around here. A major feature of the Canberra landscape is Lake Burley Griffin, a very attractive lake but one with reeds growing around much of the shoreline. The reeds provide a good home for brown snakes. They also seem to like grassy pasture lands. We always wear heavy boots when walking through paddocks at my cousin's property. You have to keep an eye open for red-bellied black snakes when going bushwalking. They are not as deadly as brown snakes but the bite is supposed to be nasty. I'd rather not find out. Once you get inland a bit, there are taipans and several other dangerous species.
How would David have reacted to the Sydney funnel-web spider, or even a red-back? Both are garden dwellers. Over the years, I've caught some funnel-webs. You catch one and take it to the local hospital. They make arrangements for them to be collected and then kept for milking the poison. That's used to make the anti-venom
Have no idea how AP will be this week. Rather think I need to get some crochet on the go , so at the very least something can be done while they sleep and I sit.
Tangent.
My daughter has a weird yellow striped spider in her flat. Not a pet. Not a known local. Possibly not harmless. She is too scared of it to get rid of it. Her brother was there yesterday, but I gather he also refused to tackle the beast. I am 100 miles away or I would pop round and see to it (though in my book you know you are grown up when you can deal with your own creepy crawlies). I expect she will find a friend who can cope: I certainly hope so.
Thinking of you all. AP Zappa is getting - to my surprise - excited at last about moving to a home. Except that she thinks it will happen tomorrow. And is increasingly unsure when tomorrow was.
Then, just occasionally I recall that she was pretty much a tyrant all my life and a momentary sclerosis of my sympathy sets in. But only momentary. Because few people deserve to be remembered as tyrants. And she too had scar tissue.
I'm more worried at the growing dislike between my elder siblings but I guess there's nothing I can do.
Thinking of all of you with your APs, and praying for all to be well.
One huge AP job has been removed from my list! Their house is sold, finally, and the money in their bank account!!!!
It has been a long, hard road, as some of you have already experienced. This was the fourth contract we've had on the house. It always seemed some little thing went wrong during the previous three contracts. During this ordeal, I've put a roof on the house, had many small repairs made, debugged and cleaned it, and made sure the lawn was maintained.
This contract actually came through, but not without a lot of gnashing of teeth. I have learned a LOT of things about options I have as a house seller, but unfortunately didn't know at the start of the process. I've told Daughter-Unit that I am gifting them my hard earned wisdom when it comes time for them to sell their house.
I told my APs that it's a really good thing I love them so much! I'm sure the bald spots on my head will grow back in. Eventually.
So glad you got the house sold @jedijudy . Selling mum's house was relatively straightforward, but still caused enough headaches to be going on with. Having just sold one house and bought another myself, I don't intend to do any moving for a while.
Husband went to see his mum yesterday. He's not at all sure she's realised she's moved, though she did say she enjoyed going out in the car with him. That was last Thursday when he took her to the home. To give his sister time to get there with his mother's belongings he stopped at a local beauty point and they listened to Haydn. Music seems to reach his mother in ways other things don't anymore.
With Dad it was Mozart, We had it playing for him while he was dying. He was only semi conscious but made a annoyed kind of sound when my sister in law knocked against the CD player,
Our area of Sydney is on the Hornsby Plateau mentioned as a prime site for the spiders. There would have been very few, of any, where Lothlorien lived. They are most certainly not beautiful - and you can understand why the sight of one puts some fear into most people. We're unlikely to see any snakes in our garden, let alone any venomous ones, but the spider is endemic. They last for a long time in water and a real fear is that one will be alive in either the pool filter or the Polaris when you go to clean it. The best thing to do is to catch any you see, get them to the hospital, from where they go off to be milked of the venom. I don't know how long they remain of use, but am not that fussed about it.
When I visit, AP is either gently awake or fast asleep and we cycle through this for about an hour or two.
Today the sleep was fitful but they awoke with a smile at the ending of Rachmaninov’s second piano concerto on the radio. Drink and nibbles were followed by a very deep sleep.
Just before I left they woke for a particularly intense whispered conversation and much hand holding.
Prayers though are welcomed as AP faces a barrage of health professionals over the next fortnight. Tbh I foresee much grim stoicism & not a few decidedly Eyes Closed moments!
It sounds like your AP is well settled in their new home @Ethne Alba which is great.
My mum seemed fine when I visited last week. I'm holding off visiting for a while as I'm not sure how much she actually gets out of it.
Mother in law has also settled. Till last weekend they seemed to have an open door policy so various family members were popping in most days and her old carer went too. The home now has a covid case (don't know if resident or carer) so no visits for ten days. The main problem there is the selling of the house and the clearing of the contents. At least the siblings are talking things through but I foresee some storms on the way.
I have to report what I am calling a miracle. Mom and Dad had their regular check up with their neurologist this week. Dad's Alzheimer's isn't nearly as bad as Mom's, so he doesn't get a memory test every time. Mom had hers, though. Out of 30 questions, she got 5 correctly. Last time she had 8 out of 30. So, my perceptions of her getting worse memory wise are correct.
At the end of the visit, I asked the neurologist what I should be looking for and what I can expect for Mom's future. He looked at me and said that she is very unusual in that almost everyone who scores 5 out of 30 on the memory test is non-functional. Mom is able to do so many things, especially if she's helped (mostly by Dad) and is really enjoying life right now.
It's really a miracle. In a strange way, Alzheimers and other memory deficit disorders have their real pluses. Yes, very little is remembered, but that loss includes lots of unpleasant memories. On top of that, there's no memory of a time of being younger, with more physical and intellectual abilities, no sense of loss.
Hmm @Gee D I think it depends on the person, what sort of dementia they have and what stage they are at. My mother with vascular dementia with a strong frontal temporal lobe component forgot she was old and wanted affairs with men fifty plus years younger. She moved on beyond that now, and though she can't articulate it I think she probably does feel some sort of loss, she certainly isn't peacefully content.
Sarasa - that would have been very difficult for you and any siblings. We've ever only noticed what I set out. May your mother soon reach a state of peace.
@Sarasa yikes. That sounds so tough. Hopefully safe now though. Gosh.
Peacefully content Is what I am faced with, just as long as there is NO mention of family from AP onwards.
I mean, they like looking at the photos and pictures and airily stating them to be from children , grandchildren or great grandchildren. And understandably AP is challenged enough with attempting to remember if they have or have not had lunch. No spare bandwidth for identifying endless faces. So I and my siblings are swept up with the toddlers into this hazey group of folk that are far too difficult to contemplate. Maybe I am the person who visits and does activities with them? Certainly if I get away from being a daughter, matters go far better.
Bizarrely their mother is the latest Person Who Is Talked About. Big smiles at the photos. Whispered memories float between us as I am told totally new things.
Thing is, AP found their mother very difficult (and with good reason) so never had her photo on display. It is all a little odd….
It's really a miracle. In a strange way, Alzheimers and other memory deficit disorders have their real pluses. Yes, very little is remembered, but that loss includes lots of unpleasant memories. On top of that, there's no memory of a time of being younger, with more physical and intellectual abilities, no sense of loss.
I think, @Gee D , that every single case is different. My mother the Dowager*, for instance, didn't lose her memory from latest to earliest, as some people do - i.e. remember their childhood clearly but not know what they had for lunch. It was much patchier, and ever-changing. And she knew that she was ill, and that the problem was in her head, which was sad indeed.
* Alzheimer's, plus some vascular dementia caused by falls
I also understood that sexually inappropriate behaviour is quite common in people with dementia as the brain overrides go, so they lose the ability to recognise that this is inappropriate.
It's really a miracle. In a strange way, Alzheimers and other memory deficit disorders have their real pluses. Yes, very little is remembered, but that loss includes lots of unpleasant memories. On top of that, there's no memory of a time of being younger, with more physical and intellectual abilities, no sense of loss.
Depends what stage they are at and what has gone. My mother had a very slow decline into dementia and there was definitely a stage when she was asking what was wrong with her.
Comments
But this week I have seen carers go above and beyond, taking the time to get to know the folk they care for and certainly cheerful & kind in barrowloads.
At the most recent visit AP didn’t like the look of me so I swopped to Spare Pair of Glasses. Much better apparently!
Tough to get any speech going though, so resorted to running sound clips of members of the family talking about regular ordinary things, the saved video clips that we send to each other. Just listening to known voices rattling on about known stuff started to unlock something.
Building on this, I launched into Scripture Union choruses, leaving out the last word, which was Always supplied correctly in a hushed whisper- complete with very restrained but completely accurate actions!
Quite what the carer thought as their head popped round the door…. I shudder to think. But we enjoyed ourselves!
I can see weekly visits being rather full of poetry, songs, ditties and rhymes!
Last time I visited my oldest brother I took him a book that was one of his favourites as a child and read it to him.
She was able to provide the next line long after she'd started to struggle to remember what she'd just had for lunch.
Mum seems to be settling well in her new home. I'm going to see for myself on Saturday. I intend to go with a small bottle of wine that she should enjoy.
@Thomasina , I agree about the amazingness of carers. They work so hard, for such little reward.
I didn't have the long period of caring for my mum at the end of her life, but during some of the final hospital visits communication with her was very difficult. I never thought to sing to her or read some of her favourite books or poems. Nine years later I still beat myself up over that.
When we persuaded Dad (with difficulty) to take a couple of days off visiting Mum (for family weddings and a funeral in Edinburgh), we pointed out, quite logically, that Mum wouldn't know he'd been gone (and would have wanted him to go if she had). His response was that he would know, although in the end we did persuade him, and I think he was glad he went.
(I looked this up fairly recently - if it was on here and I linked to it recently, I'm really sorry. I think it'll be me in the home not sure who anyone is, sometimes!)
I'm pretty sure that it was at an Adelaide Festival. Certainly in a large theatre which just did not work. The old Nimrod or the Ensemble, even the Old Tote, would have been better venues.
To head back towards the title of the thread, we were at a production at the Old Tote, with Kate Fitzpatrick in some 18th century ballgown. Her left boob fell out, and without any fuss, she pulled the top of the gown out with one hand, flipped the boob back with the other, all the time carrying on with the play. Now she's our age, so very appropriate to mention her on a thread for ageing parents.
And had I attempted any singing or poetry with That AP I would have been sent packing!
If they had not been up to dispatching me certainly there would have been no good outcome!
I do find myself very sad tho that Covid has stopped all the “enrichment things” that make for good care home living. The therapy dogs, carers with kittens who are allowed to bring them in, visiting donkeys, groups of dancers, carers who are competent at musical instruments, all that Stuff. I worked in one home that had a monthly visit from a parrot.
Hey ho
How long oh Lord
Both my mum and MiL seem to have settled quite well in their new homes. My visit with my mum yesterday was one of the most pleasant I've had in a while.
But not as popular as the PAT dog
EEEEEEK!!!!
Thank goodness David wasn't one of your victims patients. He'd have sued you for elder abuse - he was absolutely terrified of snakes.
Years ago a group from our church went carol singing in the local hospital. As we drew breath for verse two of something or other a very clear and rather despairing voice came from one of the beds saying, "Oh, no..."
Interesting about the animal visits. Some people are scared of birds, let alone snakes - I guess you have to proceed with caution.
We have had carpet snakes from time to time. They're not poisonous, but I imagine that a bite could get infected without treatment. Black and Brown snakes give a potentially lethal bite, but I've not seen any around here. A major feature of the Canberra landscape is Lake Burley Griffin, a very attractive lake but one with reeds growing around much of the shoreline. The reeds provide a good home for brown snakes. They also seem to like grassy pasture lands. We always wear heavy boots when walking through paddocks at my cousin's property. You have to keep an eye open for red-bellied black snakes when going bushwalking. They are not as deadly as brown snakes but the bite is supposed to be nasty. I'd rather not find out. Once you get inland a bit, there are taipans and several other dangerous species.
How would David have reacted to the Sydney funnel-web spider, or even a red-back? Both are garden dwellers. Over the years, I've caught some funnel-webs. You catch one and take it to the local hospital. They make arrangements for them to be collected and then kept for milking the poison. That's used to make the anti-venom
He was OK about spiders - they've got legs. It was the slithering that bothered him about snakes.
My daughter has a weird yellow striped spider in her flat. Not a pet. Not a known local. Possibly not harmless. She is too scared of it to get rid of it. Her brother was there yesterday, but I gather he also refused to tackle the beast. I am 100 miles away or I would pop round and see to it (though in my book you know you are grown up when you can deal with your own creepy crawlies). I expect she will find a friend who can cope: I certainly hope so.
Then, just occasionally I recall that she was pretty much a tyrant all my life and a momentary sclerosis of my sympathy sets in. But only momentary. Because few people deserve to be remembered as tyrants. And she too had scar tissue.
I'm more worried at the growing dislike between my elder siblings but I guess there's nothing I can do.
One huge AP job has been removed from my list! Their house is sold, finally, and the money in their bank account!!!!
It has been a long, hard road, as some of you have already experienced. This was the fourth contract we've had on the house. It always seemed some little thing went wrong during the previous three contracts. During this ordeal, I've put a roof on the house, had many small repairs made, debugged and cleaned it, and made sure the lawn was maintained.
This contract actually came through, but not without a lot of gnashing of teeth. I have learned a LOT of things about options I have as a house seller, but unfortunately didn't know at the start of the process. I've told Daughter-Unit that I am gifting them my hard earned wisdom when it comes time for them to sell their house.
I told my APs that it's a really good thing I love them so much!
Have a look at this: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sydney_funnel-web_spider and especially at the photo of the female. Shivers down my spine.
Husband went to see his mum yesterday. He's not at all sure she's realised she's moved, though she did say she enjoyed going out in the car with him. That was last Thursday when he took her to the home. To give his sister time to get there with his mother's belongings he stopped at a local beauty point and they listened to Haydn. Music seems to reach his mother in ways other things don't anymore.
Here is some more information with pictures:
https://australian.museum/learn/animals/spiders/sydney-funnel-web-spider/
This one has a particularly vivid picture:
https://australian.museum/learn/animals/spiders/funnel-web-spiders-group/
Our area of Sydney is on the Hornsby Plateau mentioned as a prime site for the spiders. There would have been very few, of any, where Lothlorien lived. They are most certainly not beautiful - and you can understand why the sight of one puts some fear into most people. We're unlikely to see any snakes in our garden, let alone any venomous ones, but the spider is endemic. They last for a long time in water and a real fear is that one will be alive in either the pool filter or the Polaris when you go to clean it. The best thing to do is to catch any you see, get them to the hospital, from where they go off to be milked of the venom. I don't know how long they remain of use, but am not that fussed about it.
Today the sleep was fitful but they awoke with a smile at the ending of Rachmaninov’s second piano concerto on the radio. Drink and nibbles were followed by a very deep sleep.
Just before I left they woke for a particularly intense whispered conversation and much hand holding.
Prayers though are welcomed as AP faces a barrage of health professionals over the next fortnight. Tbh I foresee much grim stoicism & not a few decidedly Eyes Closed moments!
My mum seemed fine when I visited last week. I'm holding off visiting for a while as I'm not sure how much she actually gets out of it.
Mother in law has also settled. Till last weekend they seemed to have an open door policy so various family members were popping in most days and her old carer went too. The home now has a covid case (don't know if resident or carer) so no visits for ten days. The main problem there is the selling of the house and the clearing of the contents. At least the siblings are talking things through but I foresee some storms on the way.
I have to report what I am calling a miracle. Mom and Dad had their regular check up with their neurologist this week. Dad's Alzheimer's isn't nearly as bad as Mom's, so he doesn't get a memory test every time. Mom had hers, though. Out of 30 questions, she got 5 correctly. Last time she had 8 out of 30. So, my perceptions of her getting worse memory wise are correct.
At the end of the visit, I asked the neurologist what I should be looking for and what I can expect for Mom's future. He looked at me and said that she is very unusual in that almost everyone who scores 5 out of 30 on the memory test is non-functional. Mom is able to do so many things, especially if she's helped (mostly by Dad) and is really enjoying life right now.
I do consider this a miracle in our lives!
Peacefully content Is what I am faced with, just as long as there is NO mention of family from AP onwards.
I mean, they like looking at the photos and pictures and airily stating them to be from children , grandchildren or great grandchildren. And understandably AP is challenged enough with attempting to remember if they have or have not had lunch. No spare bandwidth for identifying endless faces. So I and my siblings are swept up with the toddlers into this hazey group of folk that are far too difficult to contemplate. Maybe I am the person who visits and does activities with them? Certainly if I get away from being a daughter, matters go far better.
Bizarrely their mother is the latest Person Who Is Talked About. Big smiles at the photos. Whispered memories float between us as I am told totally new things.
Thing is, AP found their mother very difficult (and with good reason) so never had her photo on display. It is all a little odd….
I think, @Gee D , that every single case is different. My mother the Dowager*, for instance, didn't lose her memory from latest to earliest, as some people do - i.e. remember their childhood clearly but not know what they had for lunch. It was much patchier, and ever-changing. And she knew that she was ill, and that the problem was in her head, which was sad indeed.
* Alzheimer's, plus some vascular dementia caused by falls
Thinking of all you supporting aging parents.
Depends what stage they are at and what has gone. My mother had a very slow decline into dementia and there was definitely a stage when she was asking what was wrong with her.