A has made the momentous announcement that she thinks she has to give in and go into a home--which is amazing, as she's been determined to die in her present place. But it is barely habitable and becoming worse by the day, so I am grateful to hear this--though she will doubtless walk it back a dozen times before she settles. Now the hard work of finding a place that will take someone on such a limited income, and isn't absolutely horrendous.
Recovering from COVID here, subject to involuntary naps in the afternoon. Phone goes while I'm deeply asleep, and it's my mother to check on me and incidentally inform me that she has recently had five colonoscopies and 13 units of blood, her entire body is shot in every system except the pancreatic (because it's important to her to not be diabetic like me, she says), she's probably dying, and has no intention of doing anything the doctors tell her to do.
All righty then.
Add a lovely description of what the anti-covid meds I'm on did to HER (don't eat lunch!) and an attempt to intimidate by use of Big Medical Words for not so big medical problems.
At this point I sort of went "wubba wubba" and shook my ears (my son tells me I was making extraordinary faces) and he took over the phone to have a nice normal grandma chat.
He hung up, I said "I need a drink" and we barreled out of there. I can't go in anywhere, but he can get me Thai boba tea if I drive him.
Actually I spent a while last night reviewing the old version of this thread on the old Ship, and was surprised to see just how far back this kind of behavior goes on her part. Somehow I'd come to the conclusion that this was new--like, within the past five years?--but it seems to have been going on for at least ten, maybe more. So not likely to be Alzheimer's etc. but more likely a slow process of me becoming aware of something that was always happening.
As for yesterday in particular, it was so over the top that I couldn't be much disturbed by it! The little voice that says "But what if this time it's true?" was derailed by the sheer magnitude. I mean, if you're dying of 85 things at once, you might as well just ... die, I guess. No sense in getting worked up about it.
It has made me wonder if I need to cut my stepfather more slack. After all, if she did this to me and my sister, she's probably doing it to him as well. And he appears to believe every word of it. Which may be why he's being such a dick to me--massive anxiety attacks.
Oh, LC, that sounds so sore, and to some degree, familiar. How to judge when someone who has always been 'like this', is losing it.
I am about to join this thread for real, and it is likely to be a very long journey. Well, we are two weeks in and the somewhat adult response I have been able to muster feels like a gift of grace - I don't have this response within me under my own steam, and 50 years of precedent for the current situation certainly provide no useful resources. So thankyou Lord - may His grace be with you (pl) too.
Thanks for your prayers, folks. Someone on this thread made a comment a while ago, that on some occasion, leaving their parent at home on their own felt like abandoning a fearful toddler on their own in a strange house. I have more of a personal sense of the truth of that now, unfortunately.
We are right at the beginning - meals on wheels, a cleaner etc are all options yet out there. At least I have been able to say straight to them both that they're in a new period of 'finding out', and it will be up to them to decide how much mess, and gone-wrong-food, and meds confusions (this last is turning out surprisingly daunting) they are prepared to tolerate, before asking for more help. I was very worried that tears and pressure would come on to me to 'fix it', which is the kind of pattern of things which did me in as a kid, because I never could 'fix it' to anyone's satisfaction - and perhaps this led me to start a life a long way away, at least in UK terms, which now presents some challenges. Ho Hum!
@mark_in_manchester it's so hard, isn't it? You have a lot of empathy from me.
Leaving our APs alone, especially if there's some sort of emergency (like a hurricane) can be stressful and very frightening. I hope you have a lot of supportive family and friends to help you through this.
Hi @mark_in_manchester , the stage when parents are still competent at some things and determined to stay independent is a tricky one. Meds going wrong, and in my mother's case, none of them were critical was one of the things that flagged up more help was needed. I'd get in some help, but dress it up as your parent's helping out someone that 'needs a little job' if you can. Have you got Power of Attorney, because if not get that sorted out asap.
I hope everyone's aged P's are doing as well as they can. My mother continues to fade away, but her care home has more or less lifted the last of it's covid restrictions so I can pop in to see her every time I pass her care home, which as it is on the way to the Leisure Centre is usually a couple of times a week. I'm not best pleased that the manager hasn't replied to an email I sent. I'll be chasing that up today. My mother in law keeps on having 'episodes' when she becomes unresponsive, which is another worry. At least her care home seems a little better than my mother's at keeping her as active as possible.
PoA - I've suggested it, but it seems unlikely to happen.
I wonder if any of you have dealt with characters who are somehow very damaged egos - where one can pour, and pour, and pour praise, and reassurance, and g*d knows what into the abyss - and just get a bit of suspicious side-eye, and another reiteration of all the ways in which fate has failed to recognise the person's potential. Suggesting a giving-up of some degree of autonomy to such a person - in favour of someone who, despite their close relationship, they have convinced themselves is some kind of rival - it's a problem.
Ach, that'll do. There's nothing I can do about any of it, except be ready with suggestions if I am asked for any. On which subject 'Wiltshire Farm Foods' have been recommended to me by a whole load of people as a way of them getting to eat. I have to wait until they ask.
Wiltshire farm foods not only kept one of our APs going for years , also kept an uncle in fine fettle for longer than anyone could have dreamt possible.
They seem to employ eminently Sensible and Kind delivery staff.
Mom and Dad both came down with Covid in the middle of May and were hospitalized for seven days. Mom was very tired when I took them back to their assisted living facility and ate very, very little. I could, on occasion, get her to eat a small amount of food.
After fifteen days back in her home, the facility nurse sent Mom back to the hospital, and they found she has pneumonia, a heart rhythm problem, and a blood clot in her right leg. She's still there.
I am so, so tired. While both APs were in the hospital, I was with them all day, every day to help keep them calm and to help feed them. I only went home to sleep. Then, when they went back to their AL, I was with them almost every day to make sure they had what they needed and to try to encourage Mom to eat and move a bit. It's not surprising that she was so tired all the time. We didn't know she had pneumonia at the time. Since she's been back in the hospital, I take Dad over almost every day for a few hours, and again, I'm feeding Mom and trying to help her every way I can.
Wednesday, she will have been in the hospital three weeks this time. Dad is lost without her. Mom is despondent since she can't see 'her people' all the time. And I can't keep doing this. I've also hurt my back during the process. I'm hoping it's just muscle injury and not spinal. My neurosurgeon and I both agree that I shouldn't have a third spinal surgery. (Besides, who takes care of the APs if I'm down?)
Sorry for the long story. And I thank all of you for your prayers.
I was able to take Mom back home to Dad today. After speaking to everyone at the hospital that I could think of, apparently I convinced them that Mom would be better off at home rather than in a rehab facility.
A Sister Useless tale for you:
While my APs were in the hospital with Covid, SU called me every day to see how our parents were doing. Every time, she asked if she should come down to give me a break. Every time, I said yes, I would really appreciate that. Immediately she would give me a reason why she couldn't come down. Yes, this happened over and over again and I don't think it even occurred to her that I knew she didn't want to help.
It probably just makes her feel very virtuous to 'offer help'.
Glad your mom is back with your dad @jedijudy . My brother had a good line is uselessness too when my mum was at home. As he's been so ill for the last few years I've had to cut him some slack, but I've never quite forgiven him for not helping me out when I asked when I really needed him to show up. I guess your parents think your sister is wonderful?
It is, because they're forcing you to do their emotional caretaking when you're already beat. [refrains from calling someone else's sister a... nevermind]
Honestly, I don't think my parents think about sister useless very often at all!
Thanks for letting me vent...and imagining what SU might be called, LC!
Every time, she asked if she should come down to give me a break. Every time, I said yes, I would really appreciate that. Immediately she would give me a reason why she couldn't come down.
Oh dear. If you're not going to offer an actual concrete offer, don't say anything.
Even if she actually wants to help, but has such a constrained schedule that she can't actually make time, offering non-help isn't actually helpful.
SU is not gainfully employed. When she did have a job, it was very part time and the money was for fun things. Her husband has a super job, and they have more money than God. Once, she showed me her checkbook to show how the app she uses for bookkeeping worked. There was more than half a million $ in checking alone. If she wanted to show the app, she didn't really need to show me her checkbook, did she? OH! Unless it was to brag how much cash money they had. Therefore, flying here shouldn't be an issue, should it!
She will be helping to care for their granddaughter when grandchild number 2 is born. But that isn't until next month.
They have a home in Colorado and one in Texas. Flying from Denver to here is a direct flight. Shouldn't be a problem, IMHO.
One of the excuses she used after making the offer of help, then reneging was that she didn't want to be exposed to Covid. Surprise!! Soon after she said that, almost all her family came down with it!
I've gotten to the just roll my eyes stage of it all. She's the one missing out on being with our APs and I'm glad to be holding their hands and taking care of them, because, honestly, SU wouldn't have a clue how to do it. I say this from many sad experiences that are probably recorded in this very thread.
And, in the interest of fairness, I have to tell you that SU sent a check today to help me with all the gasoline I've been using. That was unexpected and very nice!
JediJudy - don’t run yourself into the ground, whether or not anyone else in your family is prepared to help. You’re absolutely right, there will be nobody to support your parents if you’re out of action. So don’t carry on day after day if you’re already exhausted. Have a break when you possibly can.
I was saying something similar to a friend of mine a month ago - and a week later she had a stroke and is still in hospital. She’s in her late 60s and was fit and active, but was very stressed by doing too much for grandchildren and elderly relatives at the same time. I’m finding it hard not to be annoyed with her family.
Thank you, Aravis. I'm feeling a bit more able to have a few days away from my APs, since nobody is in the hospital right now!!! For which I am very grateful.
You might know. Covid finally got its claws into me, and now I can't go to my APs.
Dad's been calling every day, demanding that I come help Mom, or pick up milk at the store for them, or says that the CNAs are going to put Mom back into the hospital. I've explained every day that I can't because I have to isolate at home. After repeating that every day since Sunday, he finally remembers that I'm sick, but doesn't seem to put together the whole picture that I really can't go to help them. (Mom is being exceedingly difficult right now.) He actually yelled at me that he knows there is other family that I should call to help. Yeah, well, D-U and her dear hubby both have the 'Rona now, too. D-U has gotten to the stage of hers that she can go out masked and plans to take some milk over to them if she has enough energy today.
Q. What's more frustrating than having to go to put out fires almost every day? A. Not being able to go put out the fires that are still popping up constantly.
I am SO sorry. Is there any way you can buffer yourself from these calls? I mean, he can obviously work a phone (though he sounds like he's having cognitive issues if he can't remember you're sick, I'm sorry I don't remember if you've said so!) and he, too, has family he can call--besides you... even if they ARE sick. They might be willing to spare you the constant aggravation and say "no" to him on your behalf, maybe?
I'm worrying about the stress on you because I've just gotten back from the first week in my LIFE that I've ever taken to go somewhere by myself that was not somebody else's emergency. I went to visit an aunt who is normal (thank God) and did not need care from me. And I took nobody with me, so didn't have to manage their needs either.
It was amazing. I had no idea how drained I had been. I'm now back home and have my responsibilities again, plus the usual AP issues, but I really think these seven days will have made a huge difference in my health and how I respond going forward. We didn't do anything unusual--it was just having the demands turned off for a week. Which makes me wonder how much you would recover if you could block those calls....
I may be wrong, but my understanding that it’s jedijudy’s own Dad who is calling.
AIUI he’s got her to call on, her daughter, or her sister who has proved to be a broken reed, lives far away, and is trying to keep clear of infection pending the forthcoming birt of a grandchild.
Thanks for your great suggestions! D-U was able to take milk to my APs this morning. The ALF is under lockdown with Covid right now, and the residents are supposed to stay in their rooms. When D-U left, Dad went down with her. No mask. He wasn't aware of, or didn't remember the lockdown rules.
D-U called on her way home, very distressed at how her Gpa is so distressed, and her Gma is very chatty, but her words make no sense at all.
I'm afraid it's getting to the point where we'll have to separate them, and put Mom into memory care, which I hate with a passion. Dad deserves some peace in his life, and I don't know if Mom can find peace anymore.
I’m so sorry @jedijudy . And I do hope you get better soon.
My Mum has asked to visit me, as she is arranging further care for her ailing husband and will be able to leave him for the day.
I haven’t seen her since September 2019; that October she emailed me saying I was no longer welcome at their house. I’ve been trying and failing to sort this out and reconcile ever since.
So I’ve said she’s always welcome here but I’m sort of dreading it. cb says she’ll come too but daughter Erin doesn’t want to meet her as she’s so angry about how she’s treated me.
As Mum will be 90 next month I’d love to get to the bottom of this but my expectations aren’t high.
Comments
A has made the momentous announcement that she thinks she has to give in and go into a home--which is amazing, as she's been determined to die in her present place. But it is barely habitable and becoming worse by the day, so I am grateful to hear this--though she will doubtless walk it back a dozen times before she settles. Now the hard work of finding a place that will take someone on such a limited income, and isn't absolutely horrendous.
All righty then.
Add a lovely description of what the anti-covid meds I'm on did to HER (don't eat lunch!) and an attempt to intimidate by use of Big Medical Words for not so big medical problems.
At this point I sort of went "wubba wubba" and shook my ears (my son tells me I was making extraordinary faces) and he took over the phone to have a nice normal grandma chat.
He hung up, I said "I need a drink" and we barreled out of there. I can't go in anywhere, but he can get me Thai boba tea if I drive him.
As for yesterday in particular, it was so over the top that I couldn't be much disturbed by it! The little voice that says "But what if this time it's true?" was derailed by the sheer magnitude. I mean, if you're dying of 85 things at once, you might as well just ... die, I guess. No sense in getting worked up about it.
It has made me wonder if I need to cut my stepfather more slack. After all, if she did this to me and my sister, she's probably doing it to him as well. And he appears to believe every word of it. Which may be why he's being such a dick to me--massive anxiety attacks.
I am about to join this thread for real, and it is likely to be a very long journey. Well, we are two weeks in and the somewhat adult response I have been able to muster feels like a gift of grace - I don't have this response within me under my own steam, and 50 years of precedent for the current situation certainly provide no useful resources. So thankyou Lord - may His grace be with you (pl) too.
Amen!
We are right at the beginning - meals on wheels, a cleaner etc are all options yet out there. At least I have been able to say straight to them both that they're in a new period of 'finding out', and it will be up to them to decide how much mess, and gone-wrong-food, and meds confusions (this last is turning out surprisingly daunting) they are prepared to tolerate, before asking for more help. I was very worried that tears and pressure would come on to me to 'fix it', which is the kind of pattern of things which did me in as a kid, because I never could 'fix it' to anyone's satisfaction - and perhaps this led me to start a life a long way away, at least in UK terms, which now presents some challenges. Ho Hum!
Leaving our APs alone, especially if there's some sort of emergency (like a hurricane) can be stressful and very frightening. I hope you have a lot of supportive family and friends to help you through this.
I hope everyone's aged P's are doing as well as they can. My mother continues to fade away, but her care home has more or less lifted the last of it's covid restrictions so I can pop in to see her every time I pass her care home, which as it is on the way to the Leisure Centre is usually a couple of times a week. I'm not best pleased that the manager hasn't replied to an email I sent. I'll be chasing that up today. My mother in law keeps on having 'episodes' when she becomes unresponsive, which is another worry. At least her care home seems a little better than my mother's at keeping her as active as possible.
I wonder if any of you have dealt with characters who are somehow very damaged egos - where one can pour, and pour, and pour praise, and reassurance, and g*d knows what into the abyss - and just get a bit of suspicious side-eye, and another reiteration of all the ways in which fate has failed to recognise the person's potential. Suggesting a giving-up of some degree of autonomy to such a person - in favour of someone who, despite their close relationship, they have convinced themselves is some kind of rival - it's a problem.
Ach, that'll do. There's nothing I can do about any of it, except be ready with suggestions if I am asked for any. On which subject 'Wiltshire Farm Foods' have been recommended to me by a whole load of people as a way of them getting to eat. I have to wait until they ask.
They seem to employ eminently Sensible and Kind delivery staff.
Mom and Dad both came down with Covid in the middle of May and were hospitalized for seven days. Mom was very tired when I took them back to their assisted living facility and ate very, very little. I could, on occasion, get her to eat a small amount of food.
After fifteen days back in her home, the facility nurse sent Mom back to the hospital, and they found she has pneumonia, a heart rhythm problem, and a blood clot in her right leg. She's still there.
I am so, so tired. While both APs were in the hospital, I was with them all day, every day to help keep them calm and to help feed them. I only went home to sleep. Then, when they went back to their AL, I was with them almost every day to make sure they had what they needed and to try to encourage Mom to eat and move a bit. It's not surprising that she was so tired all the time. We didn't know she had pneumonia at the time. Since she's been back in the hospital, I take Dad over almost every day for a few hours, and again, I'm feeding Mom and trying to help her every way I can.
Wednesday, she will have been in the hospital three weeks this time. Dad is lost without her. Mom is despondent since she can't see 'her people' all the time. And I can't keep doing this. I've also hurt my back during the process. I'm hoping it's just muscle injury and not spinal. My neurosurgeon and I both agree that I shouldn't have a third spinal surgery. (Besides, who takes care of the APs if I'm down?)
Sorry for the long story. And I thank all of you for your prayers.
I was able to take Mom back home to Dad today. After speaking to everyone at the hospital that I could think of, apparently I convinced them that Mom would be better off at home rather than in a rehab facility.
A Sister Useless tale for you:
While my APs were in the hospital with Covid, SU called me every day to see how our parents were doing. Every time, she asked if she should come down to give me a break. Every time, I said yes, I would really appreciate that. Immediately she would give me a reason why she couldn't come down. Yes, this happened over and over again and I don't think it even occurred to her that I knew she didn't want to help.
It probably just makes her feel very virtuous to 'offer help'.
It is, because they're forcing you to do their emotional caretaking when you're already beat. [refrains from calling someone else's sister a... nevermind]
Thanks for letting me vent...and imagining what SU might be called, LC!
Oh dear. If you're not going to offer an actual concrete offer, don't say anything.
Even if she actually wants to help, but has such a constrained schedule that she can't actually make time, offering non-help isn't actually helpful.
How many States away does she live?
Otherwise what’s her excuse?
SU is not gainfully employed. When she did have a job, it was very part time and the money was for fun things. Her husband has a super job, and they have more money than God. Once, she showed me her checkbook to show how the app she uses for bookkeeping worked. There was more than half a million $ in checking alone. If she wanted to show the app, she didn't really need to show me her checkbook, did she? OH! Unless it was to brag how much cash money they had. Therefore, flying here shouldn't be an issue, should it!
She will be helping to care for their granddaughter when grandchild number 2 is born. But that isn't until next month.
They have a home in Colorado and one in Texas. Flying from Denver to here is a direct flight. Shouldn't be a problem, IMHO.
One of the excuses she used after making the offer of help, then reneging was that she didn't want to be exposed to Covid. Surprise!! Soon after she said that, almost all her family came down with it!
I've gotten to the just roll my eyes stage of it all. She's the one missing out on being with our APs and I'm glad to be holding their hands and taking care of them, because, honestly, SU wouldn't have a clue how to do it. I say this from many sad experiences that are probably recorded in this very thread.
I was saying something similar to a friend of mine a month ago - and a week later she had a stroke and is still in hospital. She’s in her late 60s and was fit and active, but was very stressed by doing too much for grandchildren and elderly relatives at the same time. I’m finding it hard not to be annoyed with her family.
And I agree with Lamb Chopped.
Dad's been calling every day, demanding that I come help Mom, or pick up milk at the store for them, or says that the CNAs are going to put Mom back into the hospital. I've explained every day that I can't because I have to isolate at home. After repeating that every day since Sunday, he finally remembers that I'm sick, but doesn't seem to put together the whole picture that I really can't go to help them. (Mom is being exceedingly difficult right now.) He actually yelled at me that he knows there is other family that I should call to help. Yeah, well, D-U and her dear hubby both have the 'Rona now, too. D-U has gotten to the stage of hers that she can go out masked and plans to take some milk over to them if she has enough energy today.
Q. What's more frustrating than having to go to put out fires almost every day? A. Not being able to go put out the fires that are still popping up constantly.
I'm worrying about the stress on you because I've just gotten back from the first week in my LIFE that I've ever taken to go somewhere by myself that was not somebody else's emergency. I went to visit an aunt who is normal (thank God) and did not need care from me. And I took nobody with me, so didn't have to manage their needs either.
It was amazing. I had no idea how drained I had been. I'm now back home and have my responsibilities again, plus the usual AP issues, but I really think these seven days will have made a huge difference in my health and how I respond going forward. We didn't do anything unusual--it was just having the demands turned off for a week. Which makes me wonder how much you would recover if you could block those calls....
AIUI he’s got her to call on, her daughter, or her sister who has proved to be a broken reed, lives far away, and is trying to keep clear of infection pending the forthcoming birt of a grandchild.
D-U called on her way home, very distressed at how her Gpa is so distressed, and her Gma is very chatty, but her words make no sense at all.
I'm afraid it's getting to the point where we'll have to separate them, and put Mom into memory care, which I hate with a passion. Dad deserves some peace in his life, and I don't know if Mom can find peace anymore.
My Mum has asked to visit me, as she is arranging further care for her ailing husband and will be able to leave him for the day.
I haven’t seen her since September 2019; that October she emailed me saying I was no longer welcome at their house. I’ve been trying and failing to sort this out and reconcile ever since.
So I’ve said she’s always welcome here but I’m sort of dreading it. cb says she’ll come too but daughter Erin doesn’t want to meet her as she’s so angry about how she’s treated me.
As Mum will be 90 next month I’d love to get to the bottom of this but my expectations aren’t high.