Thank you all for your sympathy, it means a lot. My husband is about to set off to the care home to meet his siblings and move everything out of their mother's room. They are then going to her house for a meeting to discuss what happens next. The most organised of them is ill so can't go but she's sent my husband a long email of what needs doing.
I went to see my mum yesterday but she was fast asleep as she so often is now. I think I need to pop in more often as trying to find a carer that isn't busy to discuss things with is very difficult. @jedijudy, thinking of you and your parent's move.
While I was away this weekend my husband was with his siblings sorting out funeral arrangements. They were all there this week and opened a letter from their mother that she asked to be opened after her death. She obviously wrote it about ten years ago and it is full of her happy memories of them (and me) and her hopes for her grandchildren's' future. What a lovely woman she was.
While I was away this weekend my husband was with his siblings sorting out funeral arrangements. They were all there this week and opened a letter from their mother that she asked to be opened after her death. She obviously wrote it about ten years ago and it is full of her happy memories of them (and me) and her hopes for her grandchildren's' future. What a lovely woman she was.
You've brought back a vivid memory for me. After my father's death (at age 55, of lung cancer) we found a sealed envelope with the inscription "After my death, burn without opening". So we did, in the fire already burning in the living-room fireplace. And looked at each other and wondered.
What to do when my stubborn old mule of a mother mentions, quite casually, that she is not having a bath every day due to difficulty in getting out ?
She loves her bath and her life is diminishing in terms of what she can do but she is stoically cheerful and I am sure somewhat crafty in terms of what she says she does. But her revelation about the bath concerned me. She has a thing to wear round her neck incase of fall which she doesn't like and so doesn't wear. I suggested having it in the bathroom so, if she were stuck, she could get help. She didn't like that idea and responded that if she were stuck, she would just lie there until someone noticed the curtains were not drawn and so would get help. However long that might be - 12 hrs?
I'm sure she is frightened. I'm not the fastest person in terms of thought process, being much more reflective, and I have flagged with my siblings but the thought of her being stuck in the bath fills me with deep concern. And her stubbornness I find tragic as I am sure it covers a multitude of fears.
I should say. She is approaching 90, and lives on her own. Incredible. She has a cleaner. I don't know about her health as she is a little creative in the truth when she talks about doctor's appointments for whatever reason.
Thinking of others with aging parents and the tug on the heart and mind that can bring, and remembering @Sarasa 's inspirational mother-in-law.
You have triggered a memory.
My mother had the same problem. For a while she was able to manage using bath aids supplied via the local authority, later with the help of a community nurse once a week, then once a fortnight, until the service was completely cut. Thereafter she managed with a strip wash. She was not alone in the house as my father was still alive, but she would not have wanted his help, or mine. The day of his funeral, she arranged for her “ bath nurse” to come as a friend to help her to bathe. The lady decided that Mum was too frail, but helped her to wash and dress. The following week, at her request, she moved into a care home, which was a relief and a good move, as she had a new lease of life, for six months.
My father in law washed at his sink for many years before he died in his 90s.
He had both the finances and the bathroom space to install a shower but he couldn’t be persuaded.
There are various bath lifts on the market that are easy to use and much cheaper and easier than getting a walk-in bath installed. PM me for details if you need to. My mum used one successfully for about the last 15 years of her life.
Thanks for the bathing options - I didn't think of bamboozling my mother with a bunch of choices. I'll liaise with the siblings to see if we can get something different over the line for her.
I guess the bigger issue is dealing with someone who is stubborn about support. I don't want to confront that head on as I am sure mom is scared about her increasing frailty but perhaps if she has either / or choices she may be more receptive. Denial is not an option.
Another thought: the “thing round the neck” is also available as a “thing on the wrist” which many people find more acceptable. My mum put her alarm on her right wrist and her watch on her left wrist every morning.
I think with mom, it's less about having a "thing around her neck" and more about having a "thing". That is admitting she is getting old!
I sympathise, really I do. But she is showing no consideration to her offspring and how we might feel should she spend the night in the bath - which would have gone cold.
I'm not very confrontational and so the emotional blackmail route is not my strong point but I may have to resort to that. At least my siblings and I have had the discussion and are on the same page - although I think I am more prone to misplaced guilt than they are.
Mom and Dad moved into their new digs a week ago. Dad was completely confused and stressed, which probably had more to do with his lack of good sleep over the last few months than the actual move. After a couple of days, the management staff told me they wanted to move Dad to memory care where Mom is. I told them that I'm hoping after a couple of weeks of restful sleep, he'll get back to his baseline cognitive function.
Today, Dad said he really likes Mom's room, but he loves his suite!! So, I'm seeing some bright linings to this dark gray cloud that's been over our heads.
Today, Mom was accepted into the Hospice program. I know that's not an immediate death sentence, and there are so many great helps Hospice will give her, but, I'm still close to tears about it.
Keeping you all in my prayers. Thank you for praying for us and for caring for us, too!
I suppose this should have a content warning, because it discusses my niece's situation. This part is in the spoiler.
My parents seem to be being denied any kind of relaxation and happiness, and it's devastating to watch. They have just got back from their first proper holiday since my mum's chemotherapy which happened 2 1/2 years ago. They have had other breaks but nothing as long as this 2 week stint. It was hugely impacted by my mum - who's a coeliac - being given some non-gluten-free oats in the first hotel they stayed in. Being a coeliac, she is still getting over this, and of course it was a huge worry for my dad as well.
Then, while they were still away, my niece took another overdose - this is the third in the last year, and she is now 16 (she has spent much of this year in a faciliity for adolescents with eating disortders). This again saps all joy and energy out of their life, as well as that of her parents and sister. Of course she doesn't do it deliberately, but the effect is devastating. I am also rather shaken, both immediately and by seeing the effects on those physically closest (my sister and her family live about a mile from my parents.
Aging is not being kind to my mother anyway. The peripheral neuropathy from her chemotherapy is joined by scoliosis and painful knees. Add the effect of my nices's sisuation ,and you have a joyless existence indeed.
Oh, @ThunderBunk, I'm so sorry you are having such sadness in your family. Your poor parents. It is so hard to witness, as you say. I hope happier days will be in the future for your whole family.
Some of you will remember Mrs Z99. I think I last posted in January.
She became MrsZ100 in June, finding enough remarkable reserves of energy to be the centre of attention for a gathering of family and closest friends - having outlived so many. I can't recall if she was in the hospital wing of a significant retirement village by the time I last posted but she was there I think from late February after medicos refused to let her return home. She was a bit grumpy about that for a while.
She sort of got her letter from the Queen. Long story.
Inevitably she slowly weakened, and died two days ago ... reasonably peacefully, a few marbles loose, but compus mentis enough to know her wonderful idol QE2 had beaten her to it (and so young) and that Putin was a dickhead screwing the world.
Her funeral is to be this coming Wednesday.
Thanks once more for the wonderful wisdom that so often popped up on this thread.
I hope the funeral went well Zappa. My mother in law's funeral was yesterday and I thought the service was very good, though apparently the music wasn't actually what the family asked for. It was good to have all the family there plus a couple of my MiL's closest friends. The one we gave a lift to is ninety-five and still active in the community as a school governor, member of her local church, peace groups etc etc. She was lovely and had known my MiL for seventy-two years. Talking to her made me miss my MiL even more.
As a dear cousin posted to me a moment ago, "it's that season ... aging parents" ... her mother in law, who is my hugely loved aunt (in law) is now also slipping from sight.
So we cling to our hopes of eternity ... may your hopes sustain you, as I hope my cousins' will them - they are very much our extended family so this is very much a repeat round of sorrow and kuraman's and mine do us.
If that make sense.
🕯🕯🕯
Love to all on this thread ... I kinda mic dropped a while back but remain thankful for much wisdom amongst these pixels
Comments
I went to see my mum yesterday but she was fast asleep as she so often is now. I think I need to pop in more often as trying to find a carer that isn't busy to discuss things with is very difficult.
@jedijudy, thinking of you and your parent's move.
You've brought back a vivid memory for me. After my father's death (at age 55, of lung cancer) we found a sealed envelope with the inscription "After my death, burn without opening". So we did, in the fire already burning in the living-room fireplace. And looked at each other and wondered.
She loves her bath and her life is diminishing in terms of what she can do but she is stoically cheerful and I am sure somewhat crafty in terms of what she says she does. But her revelation about the bath concerned me. She has a thing to wear round her neck incase of fall which she doesn't like and so doesn't wear. I suggested having it in the bathroom so, if she were stuck, she could get help. She didn't like that idea and responded that if she were stuck, she would just lie there until someone noticed the curtains were not drawn and so would get help. However long that might be - 12 hrs?
I'm sure she is frightened. I'm not the fastest person in terms of thought process, being much more reflective, and I have flagged with my siblings but the thought of her being stuck in the bath fills me with deep concern. And her stubbornness I find tragic as I am sure it covers a multitude of fears.
I should say. She is approaching 90, and lives on her own. Incredible. She has a cleaner. I don't know about her health as she is a little creative in the truth when she talks about doctor's appointments for whatever reason.
Thinking of others with aging parents and the tug on the heart and mind that can bring, and remembering @Sarasa 's inspirational mother-in-law.
My mother had the same problem. For a while she was able to manage using bath aids supplied via the local authority, later with the help of a community nurse once a week, then once a fortnight, until the service was completely cut. Thereafter she managed with a strip wash. She was not alone in the house as my father was still alive, but she would not have wanted his help, or mine. The day of his funeral, she arranged for her “ bath nurse” to come as a friend to help her to bathe. The lady decided that Mum was too frail, but helped her to wash and dress. The following week, at her request, she moved into a care home, which was a relief and a good move, as she had a new lease of life, for six months.
He had both the finances and the bathroom space to install a shower but he couldn’t be persuaded.
I don't think she ever used a shower.
I guess the bigger issue is dealing with someone who is stubborn about support. I don't want to confront that head on as I am sure mom is scared about her increasing frailty but perhaps if she has either / or choices she may be more receptive. Denial is not an option.
I sympathise, really I do. But she is showing no consideration to her offspring and how we might feel should she spend the night in the bath - which would have gone cold.
I'm not very confrontational and so the emotional blackmail route is not my strong point but I may have to resort to that. At least my siblings and I have had the discussion and are on the same page - although I think I am more prone to misplaced guilt than they are.
Today, Dad said he really likes Mom's room, but he loves his suite!! So, I'm seeing some bright linings to this dark gray cloud that's been over our heads.
Today, Mom was accepted into the Hospice program.
Keeping you all in my prayers. Thank you for praying for us and for caring for us, too!
My eyes seem to have sprung leaks.
:tear: Wish we still had that lovely smilie.
My parents seem to be being denied any kind of relaxation and happiness, and it's devastating to watch. They have just got back from their first proper holiday since my mum's chemotherapy which happened 2 1/2 years ago. They have had other breaks but nothing as long as this 2 week stint. It was hugely impacted by my mum - who's a coeliac - being given some non-gluten-free oats in the first hotel they stayed in. Being a coeliac, she is still getting over this, and of course it was a huge worry for my dad as well.
Aging is not being kind to my mother anyway. The peripheral neuropathy from her chemotherapy is joined by scoliosis and painful knees. Add the effect of my nices's sisuation ,and you have a joyless existence indeed.
It's no fun to witness either.
She became MrsZ100 in June, finding enough remarkable reserves of energy to be the centre of attention for a gathering of family and closest friends - having outlived so many. I can't recall if she was in the hospital wing of a significant retirement village by the time I last posted but she was there I think from late February after medicos refused to let her return home. She was a bit grumpy about that for a while.
She sort of got her letter from the Queen. Long story.
Inevitably she slowly weakened, and died two days ago ... reasonably peacefully, a few marbles loose, but compus mentis enough to know her wonderful idol QE2 had beaten her to it (and so young) and that Putin was a dickhead screwing the world.
Her funeral is to be this coming Wednesday.
Thanks once more for the wonderful wisdom that so often popped up on this thread.
May she rest in peace and rise in glory.
So we cling to our hopes of eternity ... may your hopes sustain you, as I hope my cousins' will them - they are very much our extended family so this is very much a repeat round of sorrow and kuraman's and mine do us.
If that make sense.
🕯🕯🕯
Love to all on this thread ... I kinda mic dropped a while back but remain thankful for much wisdom amongst these pixels