OK. Now that I am Altar Guild Supremo there are going to be some changes around here.
The rats are coming down. The Miriam, Deborah and Esther banners are going up. The Lady Chapel is getting a complete makeover. We are painting the sanctuary in Farrow & Ball Smoked Trout with highlights in Mole’s Breath. We are incinerating the existing kneelers and replacing them with Kaffe Fassett designs.
From Mr. Smiff: << Sorry to interrupt (did I just see something move?), but I've had a Miss Marshall on the phone, says she's the treasurer of Churches Together. She reckons we haven't paid our subs for this year and that if we don't, we'll have to pay for the hot cross buns for the joint Good Friday service and provide refreshments for the next meeting. What should I tell her? >>
Those weren't hot cross buns - they were ordinary, garden-variety Krispy Kreme doughnuts. Is outrage!
(Edited to add that for some reason, when I realized that I needed to have a quote to make it clear that I was referring to a particular earlier post, I could not successfully code it. Is further outrage!)
Tell her that decisions like these cannot be made unilaterally but only by a duly-constituted meeting of the entire Ecumenical Executive (which must be quorate). If you're lucky, you might get it together by the end of June, mind you the Methodists will still object that it's not on their Plan.
Krispy Creme donuts are, of course, Outrage at any time of year (and fattening).
Which reminds me - what exactly has that arrangement of tubs and coils in the tower got to do with bellringing? And why does it gurgle so much?
- nothing to do with us. Talk to the guys who mow the churchyard - it's next to their lawnmowers.
And don't worry about moving the mowers - we like clambering over them to get to the belltower door. The oilier and sharper the blades are, the better. It's a good place to store scythes, rakes and pitchforks as well.
I really feel that is best not to disturb the Tubs belonging to the Gentlemen, otherwise you may find their Four-and-Twenty Ponies trotting through your flower-beds.....
Reverting to the diktats of the new Altar Guild Supremo, I beg to offer my support (metaphorically speaking) to the Miriam, Esther, and Deborah banners, as long as I'm allowed to retain a token rat (of the correct liturgical colour) on the pulpit.
Please? Pretty please?
Either that, or I'll go off to join the Unspeakable Brothers of Ee.....
So what's going to be done with the Jezebel, Rahab and Bathsheba banners? You seem to have deliberately forgotten about them. Mrs. Bland was so proud of her handiwork, especially the bold red splashes of colour in the middle and the more explicit interest which never fails to delight the choirboys (not to mention the Vicars Choral). Seems a shame not to put them in a prominent place - perhaps they could be conjoined into an altar frontal? A faculty could easily be arranged - some of us have Contacts, you know.
I’m afraid the same ravening moths that took out the vestry curtains have been at those ladies as well. I did actually speak to Mrs Bland on the possibility of some extensive darning - but she is totally engrossed in her magnum opus, The Plagues of Eygpt.
And putting that up will require not just a Faculty but a decision at Diocesan Synod! Mind you, at the rate she's going, she'll only have got to the Plague of Boils before she starts pushing up the daisies ...
And for heaven's sake, don't move that flower arrangement!!!*
* D. says the most useful piece of advice he ever got for being an organist was never to move a flower arrangement; it's stood him in good stead for the last 50 years.
I remember the Altar Guild melt-down when the custodian moved all the brass to dust, and had forgotten to wear the Sacred Gloves for Moving Brass. Some of the screeching was particularly melodious, so those ladies were asked to join the choir.
See, good things sometimes happen after church disasters!
I remember the Altar Guild melt-down when the custodian moved all the brass to dust, and had forgotten to wear the Sacred Gloves for Moving Brass. Some of the screeching was particularly melodious, so those ladies were asked to join the choir.
See, good things sometimes happen after church disasters!
Yes, but those particular ladies turned out to be (a) outrageously bossy, even for the Altar Guild, and (b) allergic to singing in Latin. Apparently the latter is of a piece with their practice of pouring the unconsumed consecrated wine back in the Taylor's Port bottle after the service. It's an abomination, but, I suppose, they're at least consistent in their Low Churchiness.
Comments
The rats are coming down. The Miriam, Deborah and Esther banners are going up. The Lady Chapel is getting a complete makeover. We are painting the sanctuary in Farrow & Ball Smoked Trout with highlights in Mole’s Breath. We are incinerating the existing kneelers and replacing them with Kaffe Fassett designs.
Those weren't hot cross buns - they were ordinary, garden-variety Krispy Kreme doughnuts. Is outrage!
(Edited to add that for some reason, when I realized that I needed to have a quote to make it clear that I was referring to a particular earlier post, I could not successfully code it. Is further outrage!)
Krispy Creme donuts are, of course, Outrage at any time of year (and fattening).
I know he says his devotion to Offler the Crocodile God is compatible with his ministry, but I do wonder sometimes.
Sorry to be a little late here - but you know what happens when you are Much Too Busy to stay for service after ringing.
But are you sure that the ringers got 53 pints? Between them? That sounds like an ordinary evening for Big Gerald the treble ringer.
- nothing to do with us. Talk to the guys who mow the churchyard - it's next to their lawnmowers.
And don't worry about moving the mowers - we like clambering over them to get to the belltower door. The oilier and sharper the blades are, the better. It's a good place to store scythes, rakes and pitchforks as well.
Reverting to the diktats of the new Altar Guild Supremo, I beg to offer my support (metaphorically speaking) to the Miriam, Esther, and Deborah banners, as long as I'm allowed to retain a token rat (of the correct liturgical colour) on the pulpit.
Please? Pretty please?
Either that, or I'll go off to join the Unspeakable Brothers of Ee.....
IJ
* D. says the most useful piece of advice he ever got for being an organist was never to move a flower arrangement; it's stood him in good stead for the last 50 years.
See, good things sometimes happen after church disasters!
Yes, but those particular ladies turned out to be (a) outrageously bossy, even for the Altar Guild, and (b) allergic to singing in Latin. Apparently the latter is of a piece with their practice of pouring the unconsumed consecrated wine back in the Taylor's Port bottle after the service. It's an abomination, but, I suppose, they're at least consistent in their Low Churchiness.