Hugs for @Lamb Chopped. What you describe is very much the relationship I have with my sister, and I've reached the point where I have as little to do with her as possible. With your mother being your mother, the situation you face is far more tangled. Sadly I have no words of wisdom, but you have my prayers.
NEQ and LC, I had this to some extent with the Dowager when the dementia first started to kick in. She would ring me up in a panic, about something which half the time was nothing to do with her*, and utterly refuse my careful explanations that there was nothing to worry about. All that that achieved was to wreck me emotionally for the day - especially when she would say 'I can see you're far too busy to be bothered with this!'
In the end I had to take her to task about it, and when she said 'but what if I'm just a poor little old lady looking for reassurance?' I had to tell her that if she didn't accept what I gave her, there was no point asking for it. That, I have to tell you, was no help at all.
* very often this was because her sister enjoyed winding her up and letting her go off in a panic. My aunt could be a very nasty person by that time!
So, no real help, but a lot of sympathy ((()))
NEQ I see a reflection of Marge and Lisa Simpson in your Mum and you. Lisa wants more in her life than Marge's domesticity, which leaves Marge feeling criticised and undervalued - ring any bells? I suspect that's why your mother can't bring herself to eat your food (because that would be to admit that you were capable in the same field as she has made her own) or allow you to leave the ironing in the cupboard while you go out for coffee.
YMMV of course...
Praying for us all, that we don't get bound up in the same toxicity with our own children <votive>
That is possible, Mrs S. Mum was capable of a lot more academically than she achieved - as she says, it was so much easier for her fellow schoolmates who had electricity in their homes to do homework, because they could see easily to read at night. Mum claims not to have read a book just for the sake of reading it since the day she left school, whereas I was a bookworm quite early.
Growing up, I had a very close relationship with my paternal grandmother, who was a teacher, and I know Mum found that difficult. I looked more like my father / paternal grandmother than my mother, too. You could probably tell by looking that Gran and I were related, but not that Mum and I were mother and daughter.
NEQ, going back to your previous posts. You are a lawyer and need facts. Your mother, on the other hand, just wants to involve you in an emotion. Because you are a lawyer and pick up on the nits, to your mother, you have no emotion. And the less emotion you display, the thicker she lays it on.
I'm sure The Dowager, in her panicked phone calls, just wanted me to panic as well. So when I couldn't/wouldn't do that, she would just keep hammering on at me until we had a row or I put the phone down. I am much more like my father than The Dowager, the Drama Queen!
I have a dear friend, ten years my junior, whose mother seems (following her widowhood) to be going down the exact same path as The Dowager. And F, my friend, bears the brunt of her demanding behaviours not only because she is nearer, but because she is more like her father. F's sister, L, is more like her mother and so the mother latches on to F as she reminds her of her dead husband (is probably kinder and less apt to refuse some wholly unreasonable request point-blank!)
I will admit that my first instinct, on hearing bad news, is to pick up the phone and call Miss S, but I am deliberately not doing that any more!
Blessings on us all as we struggle with our family relationships...
@Lamb Chopped and @North East Quine , my mother was also similar, I never used to tell her anything that I was doing, as she was only interested in things going wrong, not in the usual pootling about that is my life. This meant I ended up with phone calls where she talked at me for twenty minutes about what everyone else she knew was doing and their problems, and I didn't say anything. When I did tell her things, such as what a nice time we'd have on holiday she'd always say 'Did you really enjoy it?' My husband got bitten by a dog one holiday. It was a very minor bite and the circumstances surrounding it were funny so I told her about it, I also told her about all the other interesting things we'd done while away. The dog bite was the only thing that stuck. By then I was beginning to suspect that she probably had some form of dementia, but looking back, it all started much earlier than that, but because it was so similar to what had been her normal behaviour it crept up on me.
Dang, I had no idea this was so widespread! (God keep me from ever turning into this kind of a person!)
This has been going on at some level or another for years and years, and a close friend who's seen me through too many freak-outs refers to her as "Megadeath." And yes, I too get the endless monologues on others (most of whom I don't even KNOW), and it's generally focused on their faults. The only time I get the focus on their virtues is when they appear to be in direct competition (in her mind) with my family; thus, a pastor friend of theirs entirely walks on water, unlike my own husband, who is a sad creature (not me talking here).
I do not get why you even let yourself get freaked out by this. I know, maybe I would too if I was in the same situation. For years, I wouldn't get a cell phone as I didn't want my mother to be able to find me that easily!
So how about this? Get yourself ten $1 bills. Put them beside a jar labelled, "Fun Money". Call her. Let her tell you ten things and agree with her no matter what. Give yourself a dollar for each one and when you get to ten say, "Oh gosh, there's the __________ (fill in with whatever makes the most sense to you - ambulance, washer, doorbell, taxi, etc.) I've just got to go. Love you so much! 'Bye!"
And HANG UP THE PHONE and do not answer it for at least an hour or so. Do this ten times and you have $100 to spend on something you enjoy. I dare you. I double-dog dare you to try it. You might change her around to thinking you are such an agreeable person. At least she can tell her friends that you call every week!
Alternatively, you could be a sneaky thing and counter everything she says with a far more dire consequence. Someone has cancer? Link it to hemorrhoids and ask if they are having much trouble with that as you have heard that they go hand in hand. Someone has broken up? Suggest that they get right out there and find another partner asap. Someone is not speaking to someone? Remind her that you once knew someone who did that and they got laryngitis and never spoke again. And you HOPE that doesn't happen.
If you feed her what she is seeking, it can go one of two ways. She might think you are ill and are not telling her or she may go back to the drawing board to think up things to tell you that are even more outrageous. In any case, call every week! It is your duty.
P.S. Take this all with a grain of salt. I'd give all I have for ten more minutes to hug my mother. No matter how much you feel you are driven crazy, you would never want your own child not to call.
I think I said further up the thread (à propos of my live-in granny) that some APs will often sing the praises of a relative they only see once in a while, piling completely unjustified guilt on the one who does the most for them (LC, in this case that's you).
It's hard on you, but keep telling yourself that it absolutely is not your fault. Like Autenrieth Road's mum, your mum is lucky to have a daughter like you.
Today, my dad discovered that both his debit card and credit card are missing. He's alarmed about it, because he has been aware that his thinking is deteriorating pretty quickly, and it's frightening for him. I just hope I can stay on top of all the changes so they don't have to worry about them.
Well, time for me to 'fess up. It was me that made the cards go missing!!! I made copies of Dad's cards on his copy machine, so I would have phone numbers and accounts in order to replace Mom's cards from her missing wallet. I made the copy, then hurried home to start making phone calls with nary a thought to Dad's cards being still in the copier.
I tell you I'm losing my mind!!!
This is when a great friend really helps. I let my BFF know what had happened, and she told me, "You definitely are not losing your mind. You are a senior citizen trying to care for two children. You are just going crazy, that's all! They are driving you crazy!"
Lol - JediJudy, I have done that too. It is an easy mistake. Do your best and be happy.
Lamb Chopped, whatever you can do to distance your emotions will help. Be like JediJudy and do your best and be happy. I shall try to take my own advice too!
Oh dear, yes, stress. I'm doing stuff like that all the time at the moment, and trying not to see omens for the future in it. My son is here to laugh at me and tell me I'm ALWAYS like that. It helps a bit.
Lamb Chopped your son sounds brilliant - a sense of humour or the right words can really help me to regain my sense of proportion.
I have a friend whom I was talking to on the phone today, rabbiting on about the latest mini-disaster and he just said quietly, "I think you're overthinking it" and I realised I was.
I felt that I was being a bit mean to my mum, who I actually like no matter how much she winds me up! What I was trying to say is that dementia seems to high-light certain character traits and diminishes others. Mum was always a romantic, she's the only person I know who thinks Madam Bovary is a good role model, and that has become much more pronounced as she's got older. She also likes being admired and having her own way. As a younger person she'd get what she wanted by charm, now she just gets very angry. She was very much a people person, which I'm not, and she always had good advice about how to manage people I worked with. All that's mostly gone now, and I just have a very muddled elderly lady to visit.
She had another fall last night, so I'm off to see how she is. The home says she is fine, but two falls in a month is a bit of a concern. She is very vain and the thought of using a stick or a frame is to her just giving in to old age.
I shouldn't imagine any of us wants to "give in" to using a stick or a Zimmer, but if your balance is playing silly-buggers, it's probably better than the alternative!
What worked for my Grandad was to present him with a fait accompli: he got a walker for Christmas. If the family had asked him if he’d wanted one, he would have said no, but now he’s got it, he’s quite pleased.
My aunt (aged 93) accepted that a walker would be a good plan; she lives alone and was worried by increasing nervousness moving round her home and the shops. She bought an eye-catching walker in bright red with go-faster stripes on the seat and calls it 'Murray' after Murray Walker the motor-sport TV commentator. I just pray that if I'm faced with the same circumstances I can be equally positive!
I shouldn't imagine any of us wants to "give in" to using a stick or a Zimmer, but if your balance is playing silly-buggers, it's probably better than the alternative!
Yes - to be fair to my AP, she vehemently refused to use one, then one day on her own decided maybe ... and has been able to chuckle a little at herself ever since, as it's become her bestie for about three years now.
When she was down here a year ago I drove off leaving it in a car park. Got about 15 kms / 9 miles and then realized. All was well on return.
My aunt ... bought an eye-catching walker in bright red with go-faster stripes on the seat and calls it 'Murray' after Murray Walker the motor-sport TV commentator ...
All right, where are the four horses of the apocalypse?
The NHS has just agreed to pay Mum's nursing home fees due to how much care she needs. Not good that mum is that ill but we knew that already. The surprise is that she actually qualifies even as ill as she is.
Thank you all of you for the kind words, thoughts, prayers and candles for my mother and for me. Your support has been so wonderful to feel at this time.
@Jengie Jon I’m glad that the NHS has recognized your mother’s needs, while being sad that she has to have such needs. Here’s a thought ascending for strength and comfort for you and her.
Given the current family situation, I may have to take a trip to California. My mother's is where we usually stay given our finances and their expectations. However, given the above-mentioned shitstorm, things may get very interesting. If we go, she may very well want to continue the topics that made me hang up on her in the first place; and if we don't, we will probably create a new, wide and lasting rift in a family already seriously broken. God give us wisdom!
@Lamb Chopped - I hope you can find a way of resolving all the family differences, it sounds very tricky. @Jengie Jon Not great that your mum is so ill, but great in that you are getting the funding to help her.
I wonder if Boris will manage to sort out the mess that is elderly care. I for one am not holding my breath.
I'd love to avoid it with all my heart. But that depends on my sister-in-law not dying, and things are not looking good. I hesitate to send Mr. Lamb out there on his own, given his tendency toward strokes, and considering his age, I'm not at all sure anybody will rent him a car. Don't they get squiffy about that after age 70?
If I must go, and must stay in my mother's house, I plan on looking as downtrodden by Fate™ as possible, with the hope of being left alone. In the event of attack, I will press a hand to my fainting brow and say that I must retire to the bedroom, to recollect my senses in solitude. (Okay, not THAT flowery, but still.) I'll try to plot out some escape routes. Surely there will always be shopping to do?
Speaking of walkers: for months I tried to persuade my mother to use a walker because she was so unsteady with her cane. She completely refused; eventually I gave up harping on it.
Late last winter she started using the walker, voluntarily. I wasn’t going to ask what brought about this miracle!
This fall she said to me: “I didn’t start using a walker because of anything you said. I started because I was so unsteady with my cane.”
Speaking of walkers: for months I tried to persuade my mother to use a walker because she was so unsteady with her cane. She completely refused; eventually I gave up harping on it.
Late last winter she started using the walker, voluntarily. I wasn’t going to ask what brought about this miracle!
This fall she said to me: “I didn’t start using a walker because of anything you said. I started because I was so unsteady with my cane.”
Head. Desk.
I just smiled and said “oh.”
Daughters - what do they know?!
Frankly, if some random woman at a bus stop had suggested a walker, she'd probably have come straight home and got it out of the cupboard...
Frankly, if some random woman at a bus stop had suggested a walker, she'd probably have come straight home and got it out of the cupboard...
Not just daughters. The day my mother listens to any suggestion I may make about anything to do with her health or any other aspects of her life, it will be time to look out for four angry equines.
I took Dad for his doctor appointment du jour. When we got back, Mom had totally taken her (king size) bed apart and said she always does this. Then she said she was not happy having someone coming into her house and doing her job.
I'm wondering if she's trying to show us she can still take care of the house, or if it's just the next phase of her dementia.
She can't take care of the house. It stunk and was always dirty before we got a cleaning service to come in every two weeks. Mom makes the motions of cleaning individual little places, but she doesn't actually clean.
My father in law went through a phase of attributing any changes he made in his lifestyle to my influence, e.g. “I’ve started drinking this decaffeinated coffee in the evenings, not that it makes any difference to me at all, but my daughter in law insists” - when I’d never actually mentioned his coffee consumption. But it keeps him happy.
I remember my parents giving me permission to use them as an excuse anytime. This was useful during my teenage years when I wanted to go home but everyone else was staying out even later. Thanks for the good memory, Aravis, as I used this strategy in reverse with each of my parents saying for them to feel free to blame anything on my influence. "My daughter insists that I ...... fill in the blank." Apparently the strategy works well for some Aging Parents.
I will keep that in mind if I ever get my AP situation straightened out! I can see my stepfather doing this cheerfully, though not my mother. She's got her fingers firmly clenched on the steering wheel for EVERYTHING, and I can't foresee a day when she'll allow anybody else to take it, even to make holiday plans.
Went to visit The Dowager yesterday, following the firm statements of 'For ever and ever, Amen. Amen, A - men' all the way down the corridor to her room. She looked fine, but it was really hard to talk to her as I don't think she knew who I was and certainly had no clue about her grandchildren or great-grandchildren. She was 'watching' Inspector Morse, so I commented that he always reminded me of my father (they were two peas in a pod) but she had no idea about him either
I'd been there about 15 minutes when my phone rang - it was her keyworker updating me on what they thought might be cellulitis in her leg - so I went off to talk to them in person. When I came back she was asleep, so I hung around a while and went back to her home (still not sold). There I met her cleaner, who told me she was early because Mum's friend Elizabeth down the road was making marmalade to celebrate her 100th year and she'd want the kitchen cleaned up afterwards! <notworthy>
Comments
And hugs for @North East Quine as well.
In the end I had to take her to task about it, and when she said 'but what if I'm just a poor little old lady looking for reassurance?' I had to tell her that if she didn't accept what I gave her, there was no point asking for it. That, I have to tell you, was no help at all.
* very often this was because her sister enjoyed winding her up and letting her go off in a panic. My aunt could be a very nasty person by that time!
So, no real help, but a lot of sympathy ((()))
NEQ I see a reflection of Marge and Lisa Simpson in your Mum and you. Lisa wants more in her life than Marge's domesticity, which leaves Marge feeling criticised and undervalued - ring any bells? I suspect that's why your mother can't bring herself to eat your food (because that would be to admit that you were capable in the same field as she has made her own) or allow you to leave the ironing in the cupboard while you go out for coffee.
YMMV of course...
Praying for us all, that we don't get bound up in the same toxicity with our own children <votive>
Growing up, I had a very close relationship with my paternal grandmother, who was a teacher, and I know Mum found that difficult. I looked more like my father / paternal grandmother than my mother, too. You could probably tell by looking that Gran and I were related, but not that Mum and I were mother and daughter.
I'm sure The Dowager, in her panicked phone calls, just wanted me to panic as well. So when I couldn't/wouldn't do that, she would just keep hammering on at me until we had a row or I put the phone down. I am much more like my father than The Dowager, the Drama Queen!
I have a dear friend, ten years my junior, whose mother seems (following her widowhood) to be going down the exact same path as The Dowager. And F, my friend, bears the brunt of her demanding behaviours not only because she is nearer, but because she is more like her father. F's sister, L, is more like her mother and so the mother latches on to F as she reminds her of her dead husband (is probably kinder and less apt to refuse some wholly unreasonable request point-blank!)
I will admit that my first instinct, on hearing bad news, is to pick up the phone and call Miss S, but I am deliberately not doing that any more!
Blessings on us all as we struggle with our family relationships...
AR, I’m sorry for your loss. She was lucky to have you.
This has been going on at some level or another for years and years, and a close friend who's seen me through too many freak-outs refers to her as "Megadeath." And yes, I too get the endless monologues on others (most of whom I don't even KNOW), and it's generally focused on their faults. The only time I get the focus on their virtues is when they appear to be in direct competition (in her mind) with my family; thus, a pastor friend of theirs entirely walks on water, unlike my own husband, who is a sad creature (not me talking here).
So how about this? Get yourself ten $1 bills. Put them beside a jar labelled, "Fun Money". Call her. Let her tell you ten things and agree with her no matter what. Give yourself a dollar for each one and when you get to ten say,
"Oh gosh, there's the __________ (fill in with whatever makes the most sense to you - ambulance, washer, doorbell, taxi, etc.) I've just got to go. Love you so much! 'Bye!"
And HANG UP THE PHONE and do not answer it for at least an hour or so. Do this ten times and you have $100 to spend on something you enjoy. I dare you. I double-dog dare you to try it. You might change her around to thinking you are such an agreeable person. At least she can tell her friends that you call every week!
Alternatively, you could be a sneaky thing and counter everything she says with a far more dire consequence. Someone has cancer? Link it to hemorrhoids and ask if they are having much trouble with that as you have heard that they go hand in hand. Someone has broken up? Suggest that they get right out there and find another partner asap. Someone is not speaking to someone? Remind her that you once knew someone who did that and they got laryngitis and never spoke again. And you HOPE that doesn't happen.
If you feed her what she is seeking, it can go one of two ways. She might think you are ill and are not telling her or she may go back to the drawing board to think up things to tell you that are even more outrageous. In any case, call every week! It is your duty.
P.S. Take this all with a grain of salt. I'd give all I have for ten more minutes to hug my mother. No matter how much you feel you are driven crazy, you would never want your own child not to call.
It's hard on you, but keep telling yourself that it absolutely is not your fault. Like Autenrieth Road's mum, your mum is lucky to have a daughter like you.
Sending virtual hugs and actual prayers.
Well, time for me to 'fess up. It was me that made the cards go missing!!! I made copies of Dad's cards on his copy machine, so I would have phone numbers and accounts in order to replace Mom's cards from her missing wallet. I made the copy, then hurried home to start making phone calls with nary a thought to Dad's cards being still in the copier.
I tell you I'm losing my mind!!!
This is when a great friend really helps. I let my BFF know what had happened, and she told me, "You definitely are not losing your mind. You are a senior citizen trying to care for two children. You are just going crazy, that's all! They are driving you crazy!"
God bless her!
Lamb Chopped, whatever you can do to distance your emotions will help. Be like JediJudy and do your best and be happy. I shall try to take my own advice too!
I have a friend whom I was talking to on the phone today, rabbiting on about the latest mini-disaster and he just said quietly, "I think you're overthinking it" and I realised I was.
May the Angels greet Mrs AR and lead her gently into the joyous eternities of Paradise
🕯
She had another fall last night, so I'm off to see how she is. The home says she is fine, but two falls in a month is a bit of a concern. She is very vain and the thought of using a stick or a frame is to her just giving in to old age.
Yes - to be fair to my AP, she vehemently refused to use one, then one day on her own decided maybe ... and has been able to chuckle a little at herself ever since, as it's become her bestie for about three years now.
When she was down here a year ago I drove off leaving it in a car park. Got about 15 kms / 9 miles and then realized. All was well on return.
The NHS has just agreed to pay Mum's nursing home fees due to how much care she needs. Not good that mum is that ill but we knew that already. The surprise is that she actually qualifies even as ill as she is.
@Jengie Jon I’m glad that the NHS has recognized your mother’s needs, while being sad that she has to have such needs. Here’s a thought ascending for strength and comfort for you and her.
@Jengie Jon Not great that your mum is so ill, but great in that you are getting the funding to help her.
I wonder if Boris will manage to sort out the mess that is elderly care. I for one am not holding my breath.
LC, prayers ascending that your trip, if you can't avoid it, goes as well as possible.
If I must go, and must stay in my mother's house, I plan on looking as downtrodden by Fate™ as possible, with the hope of being left alone. In the event of attack, I will press a hand to my fainting brow and say that I must retire to the bedroom, to recollect my senses in solitude. (Okay, not THAT flowery, but still.) I'll try to plot out some escape routes. Surely there will always be shopping to do?
Late last winter she started using the walker, voluntarily. I wasn’t going to ask what brought about this miracle!
This fall she said to me: “I didn’t start using a walker because of anything you said. I started because I was so unsteady with my cane.”
Head. Desk.
I just smiled and said “oh.”
Daughters - what do they know?!
Frankly, if some random woman at a bus stop had suggested a walker, she'd probably have come straight home and got it out of the cupboard...
Not just daughters. The day my mother listens to any suggestion I may make about anything to do with her health or any other aspects of her life, it will be time to look out for four angry equines.
I'm wondering if she's trying to show us she can still take care of the house, or if it's just the next phase of her dementia.
She can't take care of the house. It stunk and was always dirty before we got a cleaning service to come in every two weeks. Mom makes the motions of cleaning individual little places, but she doesn't actually clean.
I'd been there about 15 minutes when my phone rang - it was her keyworker updating me on what they thought might be cellulitis in her leg - so I went off to talk to them in person. When I came back she was asleep, so I hung around a while and went back to her home (still not sold). There I met her cleaner, who told me she was early because Mum's friend Elizabeth down the road was making marmalade to celebrate her 100th year and she'd want the kitchen cleaned up afterwards! <notworthy>
Poor Dowager, good on yer Elizabeth!