Retrospective prayers for all ... I've been out of the loop, first running a conference and retreat, and then visiting my AP at last. She is in far better shape than I had been led to believe, reasonably mobile and sharp as a tack most of the time. My youngest was with me* and couldn't see why the OK Boomer generation of the family were maligning her so much!
*I was delivering him to university and a new life, the beginning of an Empty Nest™ for Kuruman and me. Given that he is # 8 and that # 1 was born in 1984 that's a long time since any nest I lived in was empty.
My AP appears to be either deeply asleep & in need of Care Home staff support for most things......or up in the wee still hours, fully dressed and ready for a journey somewhere.
Mum keeps telling us that she is struggling with the big shop, particularly heavy items. She's finding it hard to move heavy bags from the trolley into the boot of her car, but fortunately helpful passers by often help.
My brother and I have been suggesting ad nauseum that she gets the heavy stuff delivered. We have offered to organise it for her, repeatedly. My brother has also offered to do some of her shopping along with his own, and deliver it to her. She keeps refusing.
Someone saw her struggling in the supermarket car park, was concerned and as a result someone from the church came round to see if they could offer help. They said that she should apply for a blue disabled parking badge.
I read the criteria and didn't think either of my parents qualified, but Mum thought a blue badge was a great idea. I suspect if my brother or I had suggested it, it would have been dismissed as a ridiculous idea. They filled in the (lengthy) forms to get a blue badge for Dad (the less able of the two). Dad has been assessed by an O.T. and - surprise, surprise - doesn't qualify.
Back to Square One. How do we get some random person in the supermarket car park to suggest getting her heavy shopping delivered?
Back to Square One. How do we get some random person in the supermarket car park to suggest getting her heavy shopping delivered?
Do you have any friends that she doesn't know by sight? Wait, they might have to stake out the supermarket car park for days before they spot her... Private detective? (no, too expensive)
It's washing powder and multi-packs of toilet rolls, though we've suggested also getting tea-bags, dishwasher tablets, jars of coffee etc etc delivered. I have snooped round and made a list of her preferred brands, sizes etc, so that aspect is sorted.
Apparently Mum has a system. She gets more washing powder etc when the level of the previous box drops to a certain point. If we bought a new box too early, it would create a storage problem. She would bravely find a solution to the problem we would create by presenting her with a box of too-early washing powder, but it might not be a solution we would be comfortable with. (E.g. there's room in a high cupboard, but would we really want Mum teetering on a step stool reaching up to put the box in the high cupboard?)
This is one of Mum's objections - her system means that she rarely buys dishwasher tablets and washing powder in the same shop, as the levels are rarely in sync, so she wouldn't want them being delivered at the same time, but she would grudge paying two delivery charges to get them delivered separately, when the levels indicate they are needed.
(Mum's kitchen is bigger than mine, and she has a utility room, which I don't, and I somehow manage to store dishwasher tablets and washing powder with no risk to life, so I am not convinced the storage of out-of-sequence stuff is as much of a problem as Mum suggests.)
I do realise that I am massively fortunate in that I am 55, with both parents, and not having to do any actual physical caring, not even the odd spot of shopping!
It's just hard seeing them both unhappy because things now aren't what they once were.
Does the grocery store have attendants that bring in the shopping carts? I ask for help from them to wheel out my cart and unload it into the car. I'm wondering if you could secretly alert the store to your mother's need for help and have them notice when she was leaving and offer to help? I know it took me a little while to accept the help but now I ask shamelessly.
Could you swap your mother's shopping bags for smaller ones?
I put my full shopping bags into the boot of our car, and Mr RoS unloads them at home. For medical reasons he has to avoid heavy lifting, so decants the shopping into a greater number of smaller bags, rather than heave my heavy bags about.
Lily Pad - some of the supermarket staff know Mum by sight and are always helpful.
I'm sure that any suggestion I make will be dismissed out of hand, whereas when some random suggested applying for a disabled blue badge despite neither of them being disabled, this was hailed as a splendid idea, and enthusiastically acted upon. To no avail as they don't qualify for a disabled badge.
We need another random person in the supermarket car park to suggest getting some of their shopping delivered. Thanks for the suggestion of getting a friend to stake out the car park, Jane T - it might come to that!
NEQ, could you purchase an Annual Delivery Pass which would mean your Mum didn't have to pay every time she had a delivery? Not sure if your Mum's supermarket does them - and it may be that she would find a reason not to use it in despite of you - just a thought.
Mrs. S, to whom the whole sorry saga sounds All Too Familiar
Every sympathy, NEQ. No consolation, I know, but it reminds me of my late mum, who, on Good Friday , when I normally avoid shopping of any sort, actually asked for my help, but so precisely that she wanted items from three different shops, when they could all have been purchased at one of them. And traffic was bad, the shops were busy and I of course did not have a blue badge to make life easier.
I should add, Mum is still doing some shopping for an elderly lady in her late 90s! But fortunately that is just odd items such as milk or fruit.
I'm just scunnered at hearing how wonderful the person who suggested the blue disabled badge is, despite the fact that it was a waste of many hours trying to get one, where my brother and I are making eminently reasonable and feasible suggestions to no avail.
NEQ, what happens when you ask “how would you like me to help?”
She doesn't want me to help at all. She wants me to be sympathetic when she tells me that she is struggling to an extent that random passers by are concerned about her. I have an uncomfortable feeling that the random passers by are wondering why her children aren't helping.
Maybe she needs a crisis to ask for your help? My mum did. It frustrated me that she refused to have a cleaner but the house got so bad that I had to use what little time I had ( full time job plus family) to clean her kitchen.
I should add, Mum is still doing some shopping for an elderly lady in her late 90s! But fortunately that is just odd items such as milk or fruit.
I'm just scunnered at hearing how wonderful the person who suggested the blue disabled badge is, despite the fact that it was a waste of many hours trying to get one, where my brother and I are making eminently reasonable and feasible suggestions to no avail.
Ah. It seems to be about independence and feeling useful - the (unavailable) blue badge helps with that, while deliveries (or shopping instead of her) don’t. I don’t doubt the random stranger effect, but assistive arrangements might be more helpful. For example, is the car one that could be changed for something with a hatchback that has a convenient loading height with no lip to lift over? (However, see below).
NEQ, what happens when you ask “how would you like me to help?”
She doesn't want me to help at all. She wants me to be sympathetic...
I have often thought we should have a system where we raise a hand when we mention a difficulty: right for advice, left for sympathy - since so often we go looking for one and get the other.
If you know sympathy is what’s wanted, that’s actually a help. Just offer it. Of course you don’t want her to struggle. But what you have written about her suggests that struggling is better than giving up her independence as far as she is concerned and she is (thankfully) an adult able to make her own decisions.
I know that won’t be easy at first, but I don’t think this is a problem you need to solve because a solution is not wanted (unless a crisis occurs, as @Puzzler has noted).
I am genuinely sorry if this is all ‘right-hand-up’ advice, and you were raising your left hand
You certainly have my sympathy anyway, even if the advice is off the mark. The early stages of my late mother’s dementia included similar battles, but with reduced capacity for real independence - so I do know how worrisome this sort of thing can be.
Cameron, you should win the monthly prize for a wickedly good response! I like that right hand and left hand example. Practical and wise. NEQ, maybe do a little trial where for a month all you do is offer sympathy and do no problem solving. Could be fun to see what your mom does with that!
It is SO not easy to offer sympathy when the person-in-question is doing damned wrongheaded and dangerous shit, AND refusing your help, AND demanding sympathy on top. I start making strangly motions with my hands.
Maybe we should exchange APs and I could be sympathetic to NEQs while she could take on mine. It seems so much easier to do to somebody else's AP. At least I don't feel homicidal.
Alan Bennett's wonderful stage play, "The Lady in the Van," addresses this point. He does a lot for a very difficult old lady who has no claim on him, and feels guilty for not doing enough for his own mother.
A good friend of mine who is actually a doctor offered me that same advice - don't try and solve the problem, just sympathise and say how difficult that must be for them.
As I remarked on this very thread (or its predecessor) many moons ago, what our APs actually want is something we aren't capable of giving them - their youth and independence back.
Hard to remember when our natural instinct is to try and actually make things better.
Meanwhile the more my in-laws can get husband en rouge to do for them, the happier they are.
They are “only” 74, but my F-i-L especially is starting to look Old™. They came to stay last week and we did everything for them. Partly this is because they are blind, but that’s not the only reason. Plenty of older blind people are much more independent. It feels to me like they’re getting old before their time, because they are utterly inflexible. Their breakfast, for example, has to be Exactly the Same as at home. The café au lait exactly the way they like it, the right brand of margarine, jam only on the second piece of toast, everything in the same order as at home. There is no getting them out of their habits. Dinner every single night is exactly the same – vegetable soup, some sort of charcuterie, and green salad – I kid you not that my F-i-L sounded genuinely surprised that there are people in the world who don’t eat soup every single night of the year (and yes, after a week of it, I am utterly bored of soup). If we try to serve them anything else, they will complain about their digestion so we don’t bother.
I compare them with my parents, who are just a couple of years younger, but still active and interested in trying new things, and it worries me to see them getting so set in their ways, and enjoying being dependent. They take a stack of medications every day, although husband en rouge told me he thinks quite a few of them are harmless placebos that the doctor has prescribed to keep them happy. My M-i-L grew up in a very dysfunctional family where the only legitimate reason for wanting attention was being sick, and I don’t think she knows how to ask for it any other way than complaining about her health. Which she does frequently.
A serious conversation was attempted about what would happen if one of them ends up alone. We’re fairly sure it will be impossible for them to stay in their house if they’re not both there. Husband en rouge already has a power of attorney in the event that one or the other of them loses their marbles, because his sisters can’t be trusted to do the right thing. Beyond that, they don’t want to think about it. It’s not reassuring.
You are absolutely right, Mrs S. Mum still has her independence, but she sees her contemporaries losing theirs and it fills her with dread.
The other thing that she wants, and has always wanted, is to be the Proverbs 31 woman. She has never eaten the bread of idleness, but she can no longer laugh at the days to come.
It has been a while since I posted on this particular thread, but some things have happened recently with my mother and youngest brother that I have been mulling over.
Mom is 95, turned 95 this 17 February. I went down to celebrate her birthday with her and my brothers. Second brother's family was there (minus two college-age grandkids.) It was a good party. We went to a pizza parlor the younger generation of the family preferred. We had told Mom we were going to do this, but it just did not register that at least half of the family would be there two. My side of the family is scattered all over the country and could not make it in, but they will be there the middle of March.
My youngest brother turned 60 in December. He has Peck's Disease which is a form of dementia but involves a different enzyme than the one that causes Alzheimer's. It is progressive, but not as rapid as Alzheimer's. He is now living with Mom, but up until this past year he had his own house.
Both Mom and my youngest brother have designated my second brother as their legal guardian. Second brother will usually check in with them on a daily basis.
Things seem to be doing okay, though there have been some hiccups every once in a while. A couple of months ago my second brother found the basement of Mom's house had been flooded. For some reason one of the water lines had burst. Mom does not go down to the basement anymore. She just cannot take the steps. Apparently youngest brother had gone down to get some frozen dinners from the freezer. He saw the water but forgot to mention it when he came back upstairs. That is how bad his memory is.
A month ago one of my nephews bought the my youngest brother's house. When they signed the papers youngest brother forgot how to spell his name.
Just before I went down to celebrate Mom's birthday, I got a call from my second brother. He had taken both Mom and youngest brother so see the physician. They did a chest x ray on youngest brother. Turns out he has lung cancer. Youngest brother has always been a smoker, and he has a deep smoker's cough. He rolls his own cigarettes and smokes them outside, but it appears he will just take two puffs and then throws the cigarette away. The back yard is just littered with hundreds of half-smoked butts
He has also lost 13 lbs since his last check up--about six months ago. The doctor has said given the cancer and other physical concerns he does not think youngest brother could not survive any surgery or even radiation. They will continue to monitor the disease every three months. Second brother has now signed a Do Not Rescesutate order on youngest brother.
Second brother has forbidden me from discussing what is going on with Mom because he is worried the stress would also be dangerous for her--she has chronic heart failure--has had it for 20 years at least, but the medications have kept her stable.
I have seen how terminal lung cancer can play out. It can be pretty ugly. I just hate to think what will likely happen.
I only have one thing to add here, apart from ((( Gramps49 and family))), and that is to say that no-one makes it to 95 without losing family and friends, and surviving it. Time after time The Dowager saw her friends, her husband, even her youngest son, die - but even though every time I thought 'she can't possibly recover from this', she did.
IMHO it would be worth arguing this with second brother (upon whom be many blessings) because she will find out sooner or later,and it would be better for you to tell her than for her to worry about what is wrong and what are you keeping from her.
@Gramps49, so sorry to hear what your family's going through.
I've mentioned this here before - D's sister has decided not to tell their mum that he's dead, as she thinks it would be too upsetting for her. So far she's managed to deflect any attempts at mentioning him, helped by my m-i-l's deterioration into Alzheimer's, which makes it quite easy to distract her and change the subject.
I do feel guilty, as it's cut me off from my m-i-l - if I were to contact her she'd wonder about D. It was her 91st birthday yesterday, and I felt bad that I couldn't send her a card.
@Piglet and @Gramps49 what a predicament to be in trying to protect your aging parents.
Much, much sympathy from me as I try to walk that path myself regarding my UberChristian (sarcasm) sister and hiding her meanness from Mom and Dad.
@Gramps49 and @Piglet, not telling elderly parents about health issues is a tricky one. My brother has been very ill for the most of the last year and he was adamant he didn't want mum to know. I agreed as even before mum's dementia became as obvious as it now is I never told her when I had (minor) health problems, such as cataracts as she would have fussed about it, without actually being able to help in anyway. Now mum is in a care home and her dementia is pretty advanced I'm not even sure she knows who my brother is. I hope you both find solutions that work for you. Certainly I would find it very hard to lose contact with my mother in law, who is one of my favourite people.
The situation with your in-laws sounds tough @la vie en rouge . At 74 mum was very independent going off on holidays and having a great social life so it does feel young to be concerned about how they are coping. Mum now has macular degeneration as well as dementia and for a long time I didn't know if her problems were due to eyesight or cognition. I certainly think she might have coped at home better for longer if her eyesight was better. However if your in-laws have long term sight disabilities I assume they've worked out strategies. I have loads for my hearing loss, most of which I don't think about. Trying to help a friend whose hearing has failed suddenly I realised how much better I can cope in situations than she can, even though our hearing loss is very similar.
Just heard that my sister is no longer a “bed blocker” but is still in hospital undergoing further tests. Her daughter had to give consent. I suppose if they can’t send her home they might as well investigate her bowel problems further, so that is good, I think.
Every situation is different. I didn't tell my mother I had cancer. Even when she could have understood it would have worried her, and and not benefitted me. Now she's dead I know she knows without fretting, which is great. But what worked for me isn't right for everyone.
We did tell my grandmother (with Alzheimer’s) when her husband died, not thinking we could carry off deception forever—and wanting to honor their marriage and her right to know. Did the same for my sister in law with dementia. Both seemed solemnly grateful to be told, but oddly not upset. Both forgot the fact quickly. We did not go on reminding them.
When Dad died we went and told Mum carefully. She went quiet but said nothing to us. The next day she said 'Stan' and 'Flowers' to one of her carers. We made sure there were yellow flowers on the coffin.
... Even when she could have understood it would have worried her, and and not benefitted me ...
That was exactly my s-i-l's reasoning, and I totally understand and respect it.
Ironically, when my m-i-l or f-i-l had anything wrong with them, she would say to my s-i-l, "don't tell D" - although he was the older sibling - I think she saw him as a sensitive musician who mustn't be allowed to worry ...
Our AP has now reached the point where news is........ well, nothing really.
I guess an upcoming wedding might be interesting, as a wedding Of Anyone might be. And new babies are always a topic of conversation, generally speaking.
I m (apparently) still married to my long-divorced ex- , he is usually kindly asked after .....which considering that post divorce He was persona non grata Really shows how bad the situation has got.
But any and all reality is escaping swiftly down a long dark corridor.
Maybe it is a mercy that sleep is increasing.
I do miss our AP though.....they are just Not There anymore.
I was speaking to my s-i-l last night, and she said that on a recent visit to her mum, she read to her from a much-loved book. When she stopped, thinking her mum had fallen asleep, she was told she'd missed a bit, and would she please carry on!
We found a similar thing with my mum - we would recite part if a line from The Owl and the Pussycat or The Tale of Sonia Snell, which she had recited to us when we were children, and she'd have been able to complete the line, although she couldn't have told us what she had for lunch half an hour before.
My mum liked me singing to her (which made her unique!) especially the songs she used to use to sing us to sleep. "Jesus loves me, this I know," was her favourite.
My dad used to bring CDs of music that my mum had liked and play them quietly to her when she was in hospital. I think he reckoned she got something out of hearing them, but as she really couldn't communicate, it was hard to tell.
Ethne Alba, not quite. Playing music is therapeutic for most. These days, it is really easy to make a playlist of music that you know your AP enjoyed. If you have a small cd player, you can provide cds that she knows or with an mp3 player, you can make playlists.
When agitated or undergoing procedures, blood pressure goes up and the hormones that make a person anxious are released. For some, pain goes up too which starts an escalating spiral of discontent. Playing music, especially familiar music, almost immediately reverses this. One lady I know shows obvious pleasure when her earphones go in. She knows that pleasant music is about to come on. It is the only time she is verbal.
Music can be both stimulating and soothing depending on what is played - just like it is for those of us who choose our music based on our mood. So, I guess what I am saying is not to give up on things that you know have been a comfort in the past. They can be a true help.
My mum will become calm if you sing good Methodist Hymns to her. However, woe betide you if you try and sneak some Isaac Watts in there though. Unfortunately at 11:00 pm at night in A&E my recall of hymns by Charles Wesley is limited and there is only so many time I can get away with the first verse of "O for a thousand tongues to sing". I do know more well enough to sing along without the words at a hymn sing and even more well enough to sing with a hymnbook but not singing solo in those circumstances. She really does know what is playing. Someone played Ode to Joy when I last visited her and she got agitated until I said "Do you want your music on?" To which I got a very firm "yes". So I put on a CD of Wesley's hymns and she calmed down apart from the instruction "louder".
My grandmother in law in the years before dementia renders her mute as well as everything else responded to a Christmas carols cd with half sentences about a Mother’s Union trip. They were the only intelligible words she’d muttered all day, but there was clearly a link in her brain there.
Sending love and support to you all. And to @la vie en rouge - the “aged” age at different rates. My younger elder relatives act much older than my eldest relative, iyswim.
My friend found recordings of All Things Bright and Beautiful for his mother in her last evening, and she could tell the difference between the tunes - which helped us get the right one for the funeral.
My mum will become calm if you sing good Methodist Hymns to her. However, woe betide you if you try and sneak some Isaac Watts in there though. Unfortunately at 11:00 pm at night in A&E my recall of hymns by Charles Wesley is limited and there is only so many time I can get away with the first verse of "O for a thousand tongues to sing". I do know more well enough to sing along without the words at a hymn sing and even more well enough to sing with a hymnbook but not singing solo in those circumstances. She really does know what is playing. Someone played Ode to Joy when I last visited her and she got agitated until I said "Do you want your music on?" To which I got a very firm "yes". So I put on a CD of Wesley's hymns and she calmed down apart from the instruction "louder".
This made me grin. Smart cookie! When my dad was dying, we wanted to sing a hymn that was not in the hymnbook so we all googled the words and sang from our phones. Sort of a surreal moment but there you go.
Comments
*I was delivering him to university and a new life, the beginning of an Empty Nest™ for Kuruman and me. Given that he is # 8 and that # 1 was born in 1984 that's a long time since any nest I lived in was empty.
Mum keeps telling us that she is struggling with the big shop, particularly heavy items. She's finding it hard to move heavy bags from the trolley into the boot of her car, but fortunately helpful passers by often help.
My brother and I have been suggesting ad nauseum that she gets the heavy stuff delivered. We have offered to organise it for her, repeatedly. My brother has also offered to do some of her shopping along with his own, and deliver it to her. She keeps refusing.
Someone saw her struggling in the supermarket car park, was concerned and as a result someone from the church came round to see if they could offer help. They said that she should apply for a blue disabled parking badge.
I read the criteria and didn't think either of my parents qualified, but Mum thought a blue badge was a great idea. I suspect if my brother or I had suggested it, it would have been dismissed as a ridiculous idea. They filled in the (lengthy) forms to get a blue badge for Dad (the less able of the two). Dad has been assessed by an O.T. and - surprise, surprise - doesn't qualify.
Back to Square One. How do we get some random person in the supermarket car park to suggest getting her heavy shopping delivered?
Do you have any friends that she doesn't know by sight? Wait, they might have to stake out the supermarket car park for days before they spot her... Private detective? (no, too expensive)
Apparently Mum has a system. She gets more washing powder etc when the level of the previous box drops to a certain point. If we bought a new box too early, it would create a storage problem. She would bravely find a solution to the problem we would create by presenting her with a box of too-early washing powder, but it might not be a solution we would be comfortable with. (E.g. there's room in a high cupboard, but would we really want Mum teetering on a step stool reaching up to put the box in the high cupboard?)
This is one of Mum's objections - her system means that she rarely buys dishwasher tablets and washing powder in the same shop, as the levels are rarely in sync, so she wouldn't want them being delivered at the same time, but she would grudge paying two delivery charges to get them delivered separately, when the levels indicate they are needed.
(Mum's kitchen is bigger than mine, and she has a utility room, which I don't, and I somehow manage to store dishwasher tablets and washing powder with no risk to life, so I am not convinced the storage of out-of-sequence stuff is as much of a problem as Mum suggests.)
It's just hard seeing them both unhappy because things now aren't what they once were.
I put my full shopping bags into the boot of our car, and Mr RoS unloads them at home. For medical reasons he has to avoid heavy lifting, so decants the shopping into a greater number of smaller bags, rather than heave my heavy bags about.
I'm sure that any suggestion I make will be dismissed out of hand, whereas when some random suggested applying for a disabled blue badge despite neither of them being disabled, this was hailed as a splendid idea, and enthusiastically acted upon. To no avail as they don't qualify for a disabled badge.
We need another random person in the supermarket car park to suggest getting some of their shopping delivered. Thanks for the suggestion of getting a friend to stake out the car park, Jane T - it might come to that!
Mrs. S, to whom the whole sorry saga sounds All Too Familiar
I'm just scunnered at hearing how wonderful the person who suggested the blue disabled badge is, despite the fact that it was a waste of many hours trying to get one, where my brother and I are making eminently reasonable and feasible suggestions to no avail.
NEQ, what happens when you ask “how would you like me to help?”
She doesn't want me to help at all. She wants me to be sympathetic when she tells me that she is struggling to an extent that random passers by are concerned about her. I have an uncomfortable feeling that the random passers by are wondering why her children aren't helping.
Ah. It seems to be about independence and feeling useful - the (unavailable) blue badge helps with that, while deliveries (or shopping instead of her) don’t. I don’t doubt the random stranger effect, but assistive arrangements might be more helpful. For example, is the car one that could be changed for something with a hatchback that has a convenient loading height with no lip to lift over? (However, see below).
I have often thought we should have a system where we raise a hand when we mention a difficulty: right for advice, left for sympathy - since so often we go looking for one and get the other.
If you know sympathy is what’s wanted, that’s actually a help. Just offer it. Of course you don’t want her to struggle. But what you have written about her suggests that struggling is better than giving up her independence as far as she is concerned and she is (thankfully) an adult able to make her own decisions.
I know that won’t be easy at first, but I don’t think this is a problem you need to solve because a solution is not wanted (unless a crisis occurs, as @Puzzler has noted).
I am genuinely sorry if this is all ‘right-hand-up’ advice, and you were raising your left hand
You certainly have my sympathy anyway, even if the advice is off the mark. The early stages of my late mother’s dementia included similar battles, but with reduced capacity for real independence - so I do know how worrisome this sort of thing can be.
Maybe we should exchange APs and I could be sympathetic to NEQs while she could take on mine. It seems so much easier to do to somebody else's AP. At least I don't feel homicidal.
As I remarked on this very thread (or its predecessor) many moons ago, what our APs actually want is something we aren't capable of giving them - their youth and independence back.
Hard to remember when our natural instinct is to try and actually make things better.
They are “only” 74, but my F-i-L especially is starting to look Old™. They came to stay last week and we did everything for them. Partly this is because they are blind, but that’s not the only reason. Plenty of older blind people are much more independent. It feels to me like they’re getting old before their time, because they are utterly inflexible. Their breakfast, for example, has to be Exactly the Same as at home. The café au lait exactly the way they like it, the right brand of margarine, jam only on the second piece of toast, everything in the same order as at home. There is no getting them out of their habits. Dinner every single night is exactly the same – vegetable soup, some sort of charcuterie, and green salad – I kid you not that my F-i-L sounded genuinely surprised that there are people in the world who don’t eat soup every single night of the year (and yes, after a week of it, I am utterly bored of soup). If we try to serve them anything else, they will complain about their digestion so we don’t bother.
I compare them with my parents, who are just a couple of years younger, but still active and interested in trying new things, and it worries me to see them getting so set in their ways, and enjoying being dependent. They take a stack of medications every day, although husband en rouge told me he thinks quite a few of them are harmless placebos that the doctor has prescribed to keep them happy. My M-i-L grew up in a very dysfunctional family where the only legitimate reason for wanting attention was being sick, and I don’t think she knows how to ask for it any other way than complaining about her health. Which she does frequently.
A serious conversation was attempted about what would happen if one of them ends up alone. We’re fairly sure it will be impossible for them to stay in their house if they’re not both there. Husband en rouge already has a power of attorney in the event that one or the other of them loses their marbles, because his sisters can’t be trusted to do the right thing. Beyond that, they don’t want to think about it. It’s not reassuring.
The other thing that she wants, and has always wanted, is to be the Proverbs 31 woman. She has never eaten the bread of idleness, but she can no longer laugh at the days to come.
Mom is 95, turned 95 this 17 February. I went down to celebrate her birthday with her and my brothers. Second brother's family was there (minus two college-age grandkids.) It was a good party. We went to a pizza parlor the younger generation of the family preferred. We had told Mom we were going to do this, but it just did not register that at least half of the family would be there two. My side of the family is scattered all over the country and could not make it in, but they will be there the middle of March.
My youngest brother turned 60 in December. He has Peck's Disease which is a form of dementia but involves a different enzyme than the one that causes Alzheimer's. It is progressive, but not as rapid as Alzheimer's. He is now living with Mom, but up until this past year he had his own house.
Both Mom and my youngest brother have designated my second brother as their legal guardian. Second brother will usually check in with them on a daily basis.
Things seem to be doing okay, though there have been some hiccups every once in a while. A couple of months ago my second brother found the basement of Mom's house had been flooded. For some reason one of the water lines had burst. Mom does not go down to the basement anymore. She just cannot take the steps. Apparently youngest brother had gone down to get some frozen dinners from the freezer. He saw the water but forgot to mention it when he came back upstairs. That is how bad his memory is.
A month ago one of my nephews bought the my youngest brother's house. When they signed the papers youngest brother forgot how to spell his name.
Just before I went down to celebrate Mom's birthday, I got a call from my second brother. He had taken both Mom and youngest brother so see the physician. They did a chest x ray on youngest brother. Turns out he has lung cancer. Youngest brother has always been a smoker, and he has a deep smoker's cough. He rolls his own cigarettes and smokes them outside, but it appears he will just take two puffs and then throws the cigarette away. The back yard is just littered with hundreds of half-smoked butts
He has also lost 13 lbs since his last check up--about six months ago. The doctor has said given the cancer and other physical concerns he does not think youngest brother could not survive any surgery or even radiation. They will continue to monitor the disease every three months. Second brother has now signed a Do Not Rescesutate order on youngest brother.
Second brother has forbidden me from discussing what is going on with Mom because he is worried the stress would also be dangerous for her--she has chronic heart failure--has had it for 20 years at least, but the medications have kept her stable.
I have seen how terminal lung cancer can play out. It can be pretty ugly. I just hate to think what will likely happen.
I only have one thing to add here, apart from ((( Gramps49 and family))), and that is to say that no-one makes it to 95 without losing family and friends, and surviving it. Time after time The Dowager saw her friends, her husband, even her youngest son, die - but even though every time I thought 'she can't possibly recover from this', she did.
IMHO it would be worth arguing this with second brother (upon whom be many blessings) because she will find out sooner or later,and it would be better for you to tell her than for her to worry about what is wrong and what are you keeping from her.
YMMV and so on, but for what it's worth...
I've mentioned this here before - D's sister has decided not to tell their mum that he's dead, as she thinks it would be too upsetting for her. So far she's managed to deflect any attempts at mentioning him, helped by my m-i-l's deterioration into Alzheimer's, which makes it quite easy to distract her and change the subject.
I do feel guilty, as it's cut me off from my m-i-l - if I were to contact her she'd wonder about D. It was her 91st birthday yesterday, and I felt bad that I couldn't send her a card.
Aging and illness are no fun.
Much, much sympathy from me as I try to walk that path myself regarding my UberChristian (sarcasm) sister and hiding her meanness from Mom and Dad.
The situation with your in-laws sounds tough @la vie en rouge . At 74 mum was very independent going off on holidays and having a great social life so it does feel young to be concerned about how they are coping. Mum now has macular degeneration as well as dementia and for a long time I didn't know if her problems were due to eyesight or cognition. I certainly think she might have coped at home better for longer if her eyesight was better. However if your in-laws have long term sight disabilities I assume they've worked out strategies. I have loads for my hearing loss, most of which I don't think about. Trying to help a friend whose hearing has failed suddenly I realised how much better I can cope in situations than she can, even though our hearing loss is very similar.
Ironically, when my m-i-l or f-i-l had anything wrong with them, she would say to my s-i-l, "don't tell D" - although he was the older sibling - I think she saw him as a sensitive musician who mustn't be allowed to worry ...
I guess an upcoming wedding might be interesting, as a wedding Of Anyone might be. And new babies are always a topic of conversation, generally speaking.
I m (apparently) still married to my long-divorced ex- , he is usually kindly asked after .....which considering that post divorce He was persona non grata Really shows how bad the situation has got.
But any and all reality is escaping swiftly down a long dark corridor.
Maybe it is a mercy that sleep is increasing.
I do miss our AP though.....they are just Not There anymore.
We found a similar thing with my mum - we would recite part if a line from The Owl and the Pussycat or The Tale of Sonia Snell, which she had recited to us when we were children, and she'd have been able to complete the line, although she couldn't have told us what she had for lunch half an hour before.
We have no clue
When agitated or undergoing procedures, blood pressure goes up and the hormones that make a person anxious are released. For some, pain goes up too which starts an escalating spiral of discontent. Playing music, especially familiar music, almost immediately reverses this. One lady I know shows obvious pleasure when her earphones go in. She knows that pleasant music is about to come on. It is the only time she is verbal.
Music can be both stimulating and soothing depending on what is played - just like it is for those of us who choose our music based on our mood. So, I guess what I am saying is not to give up on things that you know have been a comfort in the past. They can be a true help.
Sending love and support to you all. And to @la vie en rouge - the “aged” age at different rates. My younger elder relatives act much older than my eldest relative, iyswim.
This made me grin. Smart cookie!