Well, this is it, I guess. On the very day of my surgery I had my stepfather screaming at me (via email, but that just makes it worse sometimes). Multiple times, even after he knew I was hours away from surgery.
We cannot communicate at all, and I mean that in the most literal way. He is not reading the words I wrote. Mentioning anybody else's name is "gossip." Mentioning God is "self-righteousness." A simple reference to my sister (died 2018) was taken as a criticism of ... what? ... in their relationship to her, I have no idea. I am a cruel daughter who hates her mother, who weeps every day wondering "Why does she hate me?"
When I came out of surgery, it was to find my parents on my husband's back via texting to know all the details (why? Why do they give a shit? Given the kind of person they think I am?) My husband, Asian filial piety being what it is, groveled for both of us while I was still hors-de-combat. I think but do not know that we are provisionally accepted back into the family.
But I've tried to tell the truth now to both of them, as gently as I could. No more. Now we talk about gardens for the rest of our life, and let God sort it out.
My mum was always an assertive woman but as she got older and dementia took hold that assertiveness turned to pure strop and on occasion aggression. Hope you catch Mrs Z99 in a good mood and the conference is good too. @Lamb Chopped thinking of you.
Somebody yesterday gave me a grain of hope--as regards my stepfather, at least. Both of us (my real=life friend and I) have done a lot of work in communications, and we had been puzzling over how in the hell he could misread a simple email message so incredibly awfully, not just once but time and time again--to the point that I don't dare send any more emails clarifying anything, or in fact MENTIONING anyone, because I'll get yet more accusations back.
Anyway, she asked if there was any chance he was confabulating. And you know, I looked it up and that actually sounds rather like him! Not the grandiose "I went to the moon" stuff but rather the "I caught one word out of what you said and I am going to weave an entire story around it, and believe it implicitly regardless of the opposing evidence right in front of my eyes." Well, fuck me running. This might be a bit of a load off my mind. Doesn't erase the nastiness or the distress of being on the receiving end of it--but having some possible explanation for the sheer Twilight Zonery of it all is a comfort.*
*Not that either of them would ask a doctor about it on a bet, or submit to evaluation.
I was going to say that I think your stepfather is showing a lot of signs of dementia @lamb chopped, but I didn't want to add to your worries. It would explain a lot.
Hope you are feeling Ok after your op.
At this point mental health stuff might be a relief rather than the opposite--well, no, I'd be/ I AM worried about their care, esp. with me so far away--but the alternative (on particularly bad days) is worrying about MY mental health, if you know what I mean. Because I really can't believe in the image they present of the horrible daughter I am. But there are those dark nights... They seem so convinced, you know. So certain. And I grew up being gaslighted about all sorts of crap, so I'm vulnerable there.
As for the eyes, the first one is improving by leaps and bounds. Which makes it hard to do stuff, as the second one won't be operated on till Tuesday, and I have therefore a tendency to not see about half of things. (Mr. Lamb won't let me cook--I think sharp things are off his list as well.) I tried the "take one lens out of your glasses" thing, and was rewarded with double vision. I need to call the doc, but I'm guessing that the visual acuity of the two eyes is now so far apart that I simply can't focus in stereo anymore.
good idea. I fear I must at least have a brief (please God, very brief) conversation with my mother while I still have the excuse of crappy health to allow me to break it off at any moment. But I won't undertake this till my husband is present and monitoring.
Glad to hear the good news about your eyes @Lamb Chopped and glad Mr Lamb is taking care of you. I hope the conversation with your mother is brief and not traumatic.
Was it cataract surgery, LC? I am having my first one in March/April, covid permitting. Please look after your own mental health. I am gobsmacked by what you have to endure from your step-father.
Thank you folks (crying here). Yes,it's cataracts, secondary to a surgery for macular hole two years ago. We knew I'd have to do it--that surgery CAUSES cataracts--and the day has come, so.... Right now I'm a one-eyed Cyclops depending on whether I wear my glasses (repaired eye blanked out, other eye corrected) or not (in which case the repaired eye is dominant but has no central vision). So I'm flipping the glasses on and off all day.
My husband has received a long text from my stepfather again, urging him to call or text my mother, and providing her phone number AGAIN. He is utterly convinced that either we haven't got her correct number, or we are refusing to use it for nefarious reasons of our own. I tried texting her yesterday and got no response, either because she doesn't bother to check her phone (a possibility) or because she's managed to brick it again (also a strong possibility, as she bitches about doing so every time I talk to her, and is convinced that modern tech is letting her down--it's not something she herself is doing). He refuses to consider either of those possibilities. The problem has got to be on our end.
Mr Lamb is now composing a text back. I estimate a 40% chance of shitstorm in response. I have read it, and it is peaceful, but that doesn't mean what we get back will be peaceful, because after all, he IS contradicting my stepfather in saying that the phone text thing isn't working.
I have to write Christian devotional material today. This is going to be interesting. I foresee a lot of prayer in the rocking chair!
@Lamb Chopped hang on in there. I guess there is no chance of you getting to see them to find out what is really going on?
It was mother in law's turn to end up in A&E yesterday after a fall. My husband's two younger siblings bypassed the wait for an ambulance and scooped her up from her care home and managed to get her fast tracked through the system. She's fine and none the worse for her adventure last night.
My mum seems to be OKish, still not eating much but not falling over either. Due to the the fact her new care home is still being very strict about visiting I won't get to see her for three weeks as all my Tuesdays and Saturdays (visiting days) are booked up. I guess if I was saintly I'd forgo things I'm looking forward to to half and hour of wondering what my mum is actually saying, but I'm afraid I'm not a saint so I won't be doing that.
No, seeing them in person would be far worse. Dear God, we wouldn't be able to escape! (Though we did once. Moved to my sister's house to stay and caused WWIII by doing so.)
No, right now they are fixated on the texting thing. My stepfather has ordered me to try again, and of course it won't work. He is working up to telling me to text HIM, and he will forward it--to which the answer is HELL no.
I shall have to find some other way of wording it.
As for writing, I have just finished an unexpected but LOOOOOOnnnnngggg meeting at work about healthcare for next year, so will start now. Thank you kind folks!
My mum seems to be OKish, still not eating much but not falling over either. Due to the the fact her new care home is still being very strict about visiting I won't get to see her for three weeks as all my Tuesdays and Saturdays (visiting days) are booked up. I guess if I was saintly I'd forgo things I'm looking forward to to half and hour of wondering what my mum is actually saying, but I'm afraid I'm not a saint so I won't be doing that.
When I rang the Care home where my brother is I could only see him for half an hour a day, despite not having seen him for months and travelling about 9 hours by bus and ferry to see him. In the end I decided not to go as Christchurch where I am now has at least 4 cases in the community after being COVID free for over 300 days. There is no lockdown yet because of the high vaccination rate, but I decided not to go in case I get trapped up there.
Part of me is quite relieved not to go, and I feel a bit guilty about that.
@Huia, that sounds sensible as Covid restrictions are making care home visits very difficult, certainly here. I can't see mum in her room on her floor which would be useful as I could see what she needed in the way or new clothes, toiletries etc and get to know the carers and other residents. Instead visits are in a 'garden room' on the ground floor. It's a nice room but mum wants to wander about and they really want you to stay in the room so I'm having to try and keep her there, a bit like trying to look after a bored toddler. Due her quiet voice, and my deafness there is no conversation. Just random comments from me and various weird things from mum. @Lamb Chopped , so sorry about your parents and their fixations. Is there anyone you can get any information from about what is really happening? It seems like they've decided any problems they are having are all your fault, which is tough, but not really anything you can fix.
Huia - that must have been a difficult decision for you to have to make, and our thoughts and sympathy to you.
Sarasa - again a difficult position. Probably the wrong time of the year where you are, but perhaps a wheelchair you could push around outside for a short distance?
I come here with so much heartache for you all, and cheers for the good news that you share with us!
It's been a rough week so far here in Lake Wobegon.
Mom has been Sundowning quite a bit, with no memory the following day of anything she did the night before. That's not unusual, since she doesn't remember the previous minute normally during waking hours.
Dad's been concerned and a bit frightened about these episodes. Sometimes Mom is up at 2:30 AM, goes into her closet and decides to try on all her clothes. Dad just tries to get her back to bed, and she'll have none of it.
Dad called me early yesterday morning asking me to come over right away. He said it was because of Mom being up in the middle of the night...actually before midnight this time. Well, eventually I figured out he was the one waking her, because he was having horrible pain and itching on his trunk and under his arms and between his legs. So, the second time I went to their assisted living was to take him to the Emergency Room. (They are close to the hospital, and can actually see it from their north window.)
An allergic reaction to a change in laundry detergent was one of the possibilities for his itch and pain, and the second thought was shingles. He'd had that about 20 years ago, refused to treat it, and was in agony for years with nerve damage. (He still doesn't listen to his daughter!!!)
Our ER visit was miraculous. Hardly anyone was there, we walked right up to the registration desk, and before we finished registering, they called Dad back. They gave Dad a stack of prescriptions for what the nurse agreed was an allergic reaction probably to laundry detergent because the rash was all under where his clothes touched his body. So, I'm taking detergent to their apartment tomorrow so hopefully this will eliminate any future problems.
Yesterday was supposed to be my day to catch up here!! Two trips to assisted living put that idea down the tubes!
I'm glad it wasn't a more serious problem, but I hope the meds will help him soon.
I'm tired. But very happy to be able to comfort and take care of my parents.
Thank you for your support and for making me smile!
I think the main reason I come here to share is because I know so many of us are in the same boat, and we're not alone and we truly care for each other! That's precious to me!
So, I let Sister Useless know about the ER visit last night. How many times do you think she checked with me today to see how Mom and Dad were? I hear you all! A unison chorus of 'Zero'! You are correct!!!
Good news today. The medications are working! Mom and Dad already had an appointment for a visit with their GP today, so I was glad she would be able to see how Dad is doing. She agreed that it's an allergic reaction. (The angry rashes I saw yesterday and the day before are almost gone.) Dad has hardly any pain now, which is a huge relief.
Maybe tonight the three of us will finally sleep well!
Dad called at 3:00 this morning. He was in pain and itching again, and made a point (several times) of letting me know it was in his armpits, too.
I think he just needs to hear my voice, because he had pushed the nurse call button and it was showing that she would be there sooner or later. He called again at 7 to ask me to call the nurse to not check on him again because he wasn't feeling as badly. I told him I'd do no such thing and that he needs to let the nurse see him whenever she decides that it's necessary.
Dad thinking process is very bad right now, and he's concerned. I told him it's to be expected since he's not getting much sleep. He then said he's sleeping just great. 'Well,' I said, 'I'm not getting much sleep!!!'
We were watching 'Ambulance' this week, and heard of a 90+ man who had fallen in his bathroom and lain there for 15 hours. When they asked him why he hadn't pressed the alarm button he was wearing, he said he hadn't wanted to run the battery down!
Even The Dowager never came out with that as an excuse, and I thought she'd thought of most of them!
Comments
That this might be the way out for all suffering APs.
God be with you in this difficult time, @Ethne Alba
This.
And glad things have settled for @Sarasa 's mum.
Thinking of you and praying for strength and comfort for you.
We cannot communicate at all, and I mean that in the most literal way. He is not reading the words I wrote. Mentioning anybody else's name is "gossip." Mentioning God is "self-righteousness." A simple reference to my sister (died 2018) was taken as a criticism of ... what? ... in their relationship to her, I have no idea. I am a cruel daughter who hates her mother, who weeps every day wondering "Why does she hate me?"
When I came out of surgery, it was to find my parents on my husband's back via texting to know all the details (why? Why do they give a shit? Given the kind of person they think I am?) My husband, Asian filial piety being what it is, groveled for both of us while I was still hors-de-combat. I think but do not know that we are provisionally accepted back into the family.
But I've tried to tell the truth now to both of them, as gently as I could. No more. Now we talk about gardens for the rest of our life, and let God sort it out.
🕯 Continued for Sarasa and Sarasa's AP 🕯
Mrs Z99 is back to stroppy again. I'll see her next week as I have wangled a conference to attend in her neck of the woods. Work costs, too.
@Lamb Chopped thinking of you.
Anyway, she asked if there was any chance he was confabulating. And you know, I looked it up and that actually sounds rather like him! Not the grandiose "I went to the moon" stuff but rather the "I caught one word out of what you said and I am going to weave an entire story around it, and believe it implicitly regardless of the opposing evidence right in front of my eyes." Well, fuck me running. This might be a bit of a load off my mind. Doesn't erase the nastiness or the distress of being on the receiving end of it--but having some possible explanation for the sheer Twilight Zonery of it all is a comfort.*
*Not that either of them would ask a doctor about it on a bet, or submit to evaluation.
Hope you are feeling Ok after your op.
As for the eyes, the first one is improving by leaps and bounds. Which makes it hard to do stuff, as the second one won't be operated on till Tuesday, and I have therefore a tendency to not see about half of things. (Mr. Lamb won't let me cook--I think sharp things are off his list as well.) I tried the "take one lens out of your glasses" thing, and was rewarded with double vision. I need to call the doc, but I'm guessing that the visual acuity of the two eyes is now so far apart that I simply can't focus in stereo anymore.
My husband has received a long text from my stepfather again, urging him to call or text my mother, and providing her phone number AGAIN. He is utterly convinced that either we haven't got her correct number, or we are refusing to use it for nefarious reasons of our own. I tried texting her yesterday and got no response, either because she doesn't bother to check her phone (a possibility) or because she's managed to brick it again (also a strong possibility, as she bitches about doing so every time I talk to her, and is convinced that modern tech is letting her down--it's not something she herself is doing). He refuses to consider either of those possibilities. The problem has got to be on our end.
Mr Lamb is now composing a text back. I estimate a 40% chance of shitstorm in response. I have read it, and it is peaceful, but that doesn't mean what we get back will be peaceful, because after all, he IS contradicting my stepfather in saying that the phone text thing isn't working.
I have to write Christian devotional material today. This is going to be interesting. I foresee a lot of prayer in the rocking chair!
It was mother in law's turn to end up in A&E yesterday after a fall. My husband's two younger siblings bypassed the wait for an ambulance and scooped her up from her care home and managed to get her fast tracked through the system. She's fine and none the worse for her adventure last night.
My mum seems to be OKish, still not eating much but not falling over either. Due to the the fact her new care home is still being very strict about visiting I won't get to see her for three weeks as all my Tuesdays and Saturdays (visiting days) are booked up. I guess if I was saintly I'd forgo things I'm looking forward to to half and hour of wondering what my mum is actually saying, but I'm afraid I'm not a saint so I won't be doing that.
And @Lamb Chopped , gosh!
Sometimes, some people seem to be unhelpful able.
We ll pray for them, you write!
No, seeing them in person would be far worse. Dear God, we wouldn't be able to escape! (Though we did once. Moved to my sister's house to stay and caused WWIII by doing so.)
No, right now they are fixated on the texting thing. My stepfather has ordered me to try again, and of course it won't work. He is working up to telling me to text HIM, and he will forward it--to which the answer is HELL no.
I shall have to find some other way of wording it.
As for writing, I have just finished an unexpected but LOOOOOOnnnnngggg meeting at work about healthcare for next year, so will start now. Thank you kind folks!
When I rang the Care home where my brother is I could only see him for half an hour a day, despite not having seen him for months and travelling about 9 hours by bus and ferry to see him. In the end I decided not to go as Christchurch where I am now has at least 4 cases in the community after being COVID free for over 300 days. There is no lockdown yet because of the high vaccination rate, but I decided not to go in case I get trapped up there.
Part of me is quite relieved not to go, and I feel a bit guilty about that.
(@Lamb Chopped)
(@Huia)
@Lamb Chopped , so sorry about your parents and their fixations. Is there anyone you can get any information from about what is really happening? It seems like they've decided any problems they are having are all your fault, which is tough, but not really anything you can fix.
Sarasa - again a difficult position. Probably the wrong time of the year where you are, but perhaps a wheelchair you could push around outside for a short distance?
It's been a rough week so far here in Lake Wobegon.
Mom has been Sundowning quite a bit, with no memory the following day of anything she did the night before. That's not unusual, since she doesn't remember the previous minute normally during waking hours.
Dad's been concerned and a bit frightened about these episodes. Sometimes Mom is up at 2:30 AM, goes into her closet and decides to try on all her clothes. Dad just tries to get her back to bed, and she'll have none of it.
Dad called me early yesterday morning asking me to come over right away. He said it was because of Mom being up in the middle of the night...actually before midnight this time. Well, eventually I figured out he was the one waking her, because he was having horrible pain and itching on his trunk and under his arms and between his legs. So, the second time I went to their assisted living was to take him to the Emergency Room. (They are close to the hospital, and can actually see it from their north window.)
An allergic reaction to a change in laundry detergent was one of the possibilities for his itch and pain, and the second thought was shingles. He'd had that about 20 years ago, refused to treat it, and was in agony for years with nerve damage. (He still doesn't listen to his daughter!!!)
Our ER visit was miraculous. Hardly anyone was there, we walked right up to the registration desk, and before we finished registering, they called Dad back. They gave Dad a stack of prescriptions for what the nurse agreed was an allergic reaction probably to laundry detergent because the rash was all under where his clothes touched his body. So, I'm taking detergent to their apartment tomorrow so hopefully this will eliminate any future problems.
Yesterday was supposed to be my day to catch up here!! Two trips to assisted living put that idea down the tubes!
I'm glad it wasn't a more serious problem, but I hope the meds will help him soon.
I'm tired. But very happy to be able to comfort and take care of my parents.
I think the main reason I come here to share is because I know so many of us are in the same boat, and we're not alone and we truly care for each other! That's precious to me!
So, I let Sister Useless know about the ER visit last night. How many times do you think she checked with me today to see how Mom and Dad were? I hear you all! A unison chorus of 'Zero'! You are correct!!!
Maybe tonight the three of us will finally sleep well!
Dad called at 3:00 this morning. He was in pain and itching again, and made a point (several times) of letting me know it was in his armpits, too.
I think he just needs to hear my voice, because he had pushed the nurse call button and it was showing that she would be there sooner or later. He called again at 7 to ask me to call the nurse to not check on him again because he wasn't feeling as badly. I told him I'd do no such thing and that he needs to let the nurse see him whenever she decides that it's necessary.
Dad thinking process is very bad right now, and he's concerned. I told him it's to be expected since he's not getting much sleep. He then said he's sleeping just great.
Even The Dowager never came out with that as an excuse, and I thought she'd thought of most of them!
For the sake of her dignity when she was found, we hope that she had been.