@Zappa, it is no longer your decision. The question now is simply to find the best place. Do not be scared to ask for suggestions from others involved in the case.
An urgent(ish) fmily and medico conference was held yesterday. The (devastatingly well-presented) arguments that MrsAPZ99 was fine (apart from the recent fall ... and the one before that and the one before that ...) were driven through by the gerontologist with a D9 bulldozer and silenced. He pointed out that he had, together with his team, a reasonable knowledge of dementia, could ascertain the difference between delirium and dementia, as well as between cognition and memory, and the deed was done. Enduring Power of Attorney was activated forthwith, and MrsAPZ99 is off to dementia care (when a bed can be found). In the meantime she'll remain in hospital.
I'm able to get up there next week and will spend a day with her, hopefully, if only temporarily, helping her settle into the new reality. It was probably good that I could only be a phone in to the conference yesterday, on a bad line. I might have exploded. The outcome is what I hoped for.
The siblings have somewhat different views about this new reality. I'm enjoying the view from the bottom of a large pit of sand. La la la la la ...
No matter how sad it is. I don't think the reality has sunk in for MrsAPZ99. I don't think it can.
Oh, Zappa. That is such good news!!! If your experience will be like mine, you'll have such a sense of relief when MrsAPZ99 is safely taken care of in a care facility. I hope also that like my APs, your mother will find that she really enjoys being there and makes some new friends!
That is good news @zappa, even if your sibling ands Mrs Z don't think it is. I'm sure your mum will thrive in the right setting. My husband was saying how much better his mother with advanced dementia looks now she is somewhere with people on hand to look after her 24/7.
Certainly our AP perked up no end when finally ensconced in a decent care facility all those years ago. Carers were far more understanding of her dementia than annoyed and fractious neighbours.
Took us a while to get used to it though…
No matter how sad it is. I don't think the reality has sunk in for MrsAPZ99. I don't think it can.
It's sad for you and your siblings, but if it's the right decision for MrsAPZ99 then the change will not sink in. She'll just go in living, say she's happy to see you when you visit - but there will be a time, probably pretty soon from what you've said, when she'll say that but has no idea who you are. But she will be happy in a very real sense, totally without worries or concerns. Prayers for you though.
Thanks all ... Covid permitting I'll spend Friday this week with her. Will try to ring her later today, though hospital phone lines and her confusion make that an (un)merry dance.
Phoned. It didn't help that I finally got through when walking my dogs on a beach. She sounded stroppy and confused, and the (mild, so-far) dementia mantras are beginning. "Are you coming soon to take me home?"
It also didn't help that she constantly lost contact with the ear end of whatever phone the ward had given her. "I can't hear you. Have you gone?" But that's not dementia - that's a genetic predisposition that she and I share to Ludditism
Oooh ,,, Mrs APZ99 has been moved into a rather swish (by comparison) retirement village hospital-level care accomodation, largely at goverment expense, for six weeks respite. Because she broke a collar bone in her last fall that comes under NZ's Accident Compensation Scheme and Jacinda Ardern pays up.
During those six weeks we need to find a permanent arrangement, but she relly has perked up in the last 24 hours, my sister tells me. Sadly I can't gety up there in the foreseeable future - anbd we certainly won't be able to macth that swishness wherever we she goes next.
Hmmm ... that looks nice ... should I book a spot for myself?
I rang MrsAPZ99 this afternoon. She is angry with everyone and everything - she was berating a staff memeber as the phone was handed to her. She didn't know why she was in this place, stuck with old people who all have sticks and walkers, and why my sister hadn't taken her home yesterday, but andgrily affirmed that my brother is going to be there tomorrow and he will take her home and she'll live with him, she says, until she can move back home when her collar bone is healed.
Sticks and walkers? She acknowelged that she has one at the moment but she will get walking over the next few days because she's not like THEM.
Not quite an aged parent issue, but I wish you could have seen us early this morning: Two septuagenarians, driving their octogenarian friend who was accompanying her nonagenarian friend (98) from her care home to a hospital appointment for day surgery, on icy roads and snow around the hospital. Everyone is now safely home, and I have awarded myself an early beer on account of it.
Today, my APs and I will meet Daughter-Unit at our lawyer's office. We're hoping to start the process of making D-U into an additional person with power of attorney and medical surrogacy permissions. This is just in case something happens to me.
You all know how Sister Useless has been...well..useless in any kind of care taking for my APs. D-U has been so helpful in everything regarding Mom and Dad's care and happiness.
I've gotten my paperwork to all the necessary people, and now know the process, so I can help D-U to do all the necessary preparation just in case! I'm not anticipating a problem for myself, but this will ease my mind and Mom and Dad's. If they remember!!
Please pray that Mom can sign the necessary paperwork when the time comes. Most of the time now, I have to sign for her because she doesn't remember how to spell (or write) her last name, and more and more frequently, her first name. It's so sad.
My mother in law had a nasty fall in her care home yesterday. The paramedics patched her up which was good as it meant no trip to A&E, but she's gone and had another fall today. Youngest sister in law was all for going and tearing a strip off the care home for carelessness, when I think it is probably just the inevitable progression of Mil' dementia. The other three siblings are trying to persuade her to be tactful. Not quite sure whether it will mean a hospital trip this time. My husband and his other sister are due to go and visit her tomorrow.
My mum is 94 on Thursday. Hopefully I am going to her birthday party, though I'm a bit stumped with what to buy her.
Sorry to hear this, Sarasa. Our APs seem to be at a similar stage. I was able to see mine for the alloted half hour last week, and she has so much sadness and anger and confusion. The next day the home was locked down, and my booked visit was cancelled, so that half hour was it. I'm back home, 800kms away now.
Our friend N has made two, thank God failed, attempts to end his situation. Reading a long email from him, he has not organised his life well since redundancy a while back, and I can, to an extent, understand his sister's attitude. He needs a lot of help.
@Zappa, what a pain about the cancelled visit, specially as your mum is so far away. MiL did end up going to A&E but was sent back to the home after a check up. My husband went to see her the next day and does seem to have taken another dip down. My mum's birthday went as well as it could. She wouldn't (couldn't?) get out of bed and thought her really wonderful birthday cake was horrible. At the moment her home is really opening up, so I think I need to start visiting at least once a week just to check up on how things are. @Penny S , from what you've said on the prayer thread your friend is worried about losing his home now his mother has gone into care. He needs to get legal advice and talk to social services about disregards. Do you know his sister? Maybe you can help facilitate a meeting between them, as long as you don't get sucked into their dispute. It took a lot of effort for my husband and his siblings to agree on the best way forward for their mother without totally falling out among themselves.
I don't really know N, he's at one remove, and I have no contact with his sister. I've advised re legal advice, and we are trying to get another friend, whom he knows, and knows about doing stuff with social services and housing in touch. I have a suspicion he may need MH help as well - he has made a few unwise decisions in the past. Last email mentioned looking at his stuff and visualising what he could have in a bedsit, which sounded in a sensible direction.
MrsAPZ99 now has Covid. A very mild dose though, and she has been given her booster only about three weeks ago so it is at full operational strength. I don't think she'll be knocked around too much by it.
I love my parents I love my parents I love my parents.
Yesterday I made an emergency trip to the AL where Mom and Dad live. Dad had tried at least ten times to call, and I never heard his voice when I picked up. So, of course I thought something was terribly wrong and rushed over. He had probably accidently hit the mute button, so all was well. I took the oportunity to remind them that I was going with my BFF to the local playhouse to see a musical that evening and they were very pleased for me.
By the time I got to bed, it was after 1:00AM. I gave myself permission to sleep until I wanted to get up. So, of course Dad called early in the morning and said I have to go there and sort out Mom's clothes. I told him I was sleeping and reminded him that I had been out late. He grumbled and said he was sorry to wake me. I decided to go there this afternoon, then went back to sleep and woke up about an hour and a half later, did my chores, then was sitting down to breakfast. Dad called. "Don't bother yourself coming over because your Mother and I took care of it." This was not said with a pleasant tone of voice.
Going to see them this afternoon is not going to happen. (I really do want to, to see what was going on with Mom's clothes, but I might get a little fussy with Dad, and that won't be good for either of us.) Very likely he would have forgotten all this by tomorrow morning, and Mom won't remember any of it at all.
It's like Dad has special radar that tells him when I've gotten to bed late, oh like when I stayed with Mom in the Emergency Room and took her home about 3:00AM, and slept for maybe an hour after getting home when he called at 5:00AM with a hearty "What's happening???!!!"
I'm just griping here because I love my parents and I don't want to give them a piece of my mind today.
I am convinced you're right and they have spidey senses that alert them to the worst possible time. Another case in point: The elderly lady A. whom I care for in some things, chose yesterday, when my family had come down with a dose of the blazing shits, to inform me that she had purchased a new TV, that it did not work, that she wanted to THROW it at the innocent cashiers/store workers, and that she wanted to die (said in a tone of extreme petulance). Oh, and that she had "No people in my life"--magnificently ignoring not only the one who ran her to the store, as she doesn't drive, but me listening as well.
Clearly she expected us to sort the matter for her ASAP. And she knew we were all down with diarrhea. It didn't matter. I just couldn't even.
Her sign-off was "Goodbye" rather than "Good night" because "I may not be here tomorrow."
We make cat-like noises when it All Becomes Too Much. If I get off the phone with A., or with my actual parents, and I meow very loudly, Mr Lamb will look over and laugh, and say, "What did they do THIS time?"
What a pain @jedijudy and @Lamb Chopped . Is there anyway your parents' facility can help your dad with the various problems he feels he needs to phone you up about @jedijudy ? @Lamb Chopped I guess the elderly lady you support has dementia and the fact her TV doesn't work is because she doesn't know how to work it. Dementia does tend to make people unable to see anyone else's needs, but makes them want their problems fixed now.
Hope your mum is recovering from covid @zappa. Both my mum and my MiL had it over Christmas, and both recovered really well. I went to see mum last week. Again she wasn't getting out of bed, but she seemed quite happy. Her nails were filthy, but the carers say they have difficulty getting her to agree to them being sorted out. I', going to go in next week and have a go. Manicures and I are total strangers to each other as I keep my nails very short, so wish me luck.
Is there anyway your parents' facility can help your dad with the various problems he feels he needs to phone you up about @jedijudy ?
Oh, yes. For medical problems they wear lanyards with a call button around their necks (well, Mom doesn't since she can't remember it or know what it's for) and all they have to do is push the button to summon nursing help. As far as clothing and laundry, Housekeeping takes care of that, but they mostly just return the clean clothes in the laundry basket. There are a few wonderful helpers who will hang laundry up for them. I normally check their closets to make sure the dirty clothes are put in the baskets and that the clean are hung up. When I was there just four days ago I did that plus noticed that quite a number of Mom's clothes were missing, and they were not in the laundry baskets, either. I'm not sure if M&D hid the clean laundry somewhere, or if it hadn't been delivered to their room, because Housekeeping usually takes care of that on Friday. Don't know.
However, neither one of them remembered about yesterday, and they were their normal sweet selves this morning.
No, A. doesn't have a diagnosis of dementia yet, though I'm not sure she isn't starting to have some memory slippage. What she is IMHO is deeply damaged as a human being, to the point that she's alienated all her family members. She has enough self-awareness not to completely destroy the relationship with me or with a couple of church friends, though we're all leaning pretty heavily on God to cope...
I'm pretty sure we all were "sent" to her both to help meet her daily needs and possibly as a way of starting the tiny most healing of the damage. At least, God seems to be going to enormous (and clever!) lengths to prevent her from chopping off her last connection to this church, which is a thing that has happened at least twice before with other congregations.
I'm musing about this because it has provided me with the entertaining spectacle of Mr Lamb annoying the crap out of her, very deliberately and with absolute impunity, as he is both a pastor and a foreigner (by birth) and can get away with shenanigans the rest of us would never manage in a million years. You know, the whole innocent look, "Me no speaka the Engelisch?" But annoying the crap out of someone turns out to be an excellent way to get certain personalities out of fits of depression, the sulks, or a determination to be unhappy. Sort of like tantalizing a cat with a feather toy. The person attempts to ignore the lure, but to no avail. Eventually they go for it, and before you know it, Mr Lamb has bamboozled them into playing piano or some such.
He's used the same technique on me during times of distress, and with similar effects. I never thought I'd see annoyingness as a gift of the Holy Spirit, but here we are.
My most AP died in October, in his own bed with palliative care and my Mum and I there. Now Mum is moving up to live near me, which is great. However, Mum is not the easiest person to live with, and does not get on with my husband, who is also not the most flexible person.
I'm convinced that we can look after Mum best if she's near us, and aware that she will naturally be nervous about moving into a new area and making a new life. However, she is already showing signs of neediness and I’m worried that I'll be emotionally blackmailed into being a bigger part of that new life than I really have the energy for. Does anyone have any wisdom to impart? Mum will be 80 this year, no longer drives but is otherwise very active.
No wisdom based on my own AP, but based on my semi-adopted one, I'll say "Give her every opportunity to establish ties with people other than you." That is, church friends, bingo friends, people from the local senior center who run her to appointments, that sort of thing. That's particularly important if she doesn't drive. Otherwise you will be hauling person/packages ALL the time, and never get a break from her--or she from you. Better she should have others she can call on occasionally to go to lunch with, pick up meds, etc.
Thanks Lamb Chopped, that is indeed my plan. It is unfortunate that she doesn’t go to church as this has worked very well for a friend of mine in the same situation. She does do some volunteering which hopefully will give her a social circle quite quickly.
Hi @mrs whibley , my mum moved nearer to us when my dad died. However it was to an area where she could reconnect with old friends andwork colleagues. She also joined the local branch of her political party , the university of the third age and the local leisure centre. She had a brilliant social life. That worked well till she was in her mid-eighties, by her late eighties she was wanting lots more help and that’s when things got tricky.
Where is your mum going to move to? Sheltered accommodation might be a good idea as there are often things going on and a ready made group of people to connect with. My brother was keen to get mum into a retirement village near him in 2012. I thought it was a bad idea, but when things started to go really pear-shaped in 2018 I'd wished I'd pushed her towards doing it.
Edited to explain what I meant a bit more clearly!
Thanks Sarasa. Hopefully we will be able to find her somewhere in a retirement complex, both for the friendships and the support. She'll volunteer in a charity shop and join a gym, and be within reach of public transport. I'm just a bit concerned that she'll want me to visit most evenings and weekends - I'm married but without children and I do like my space!
Just because she wants it, doesn’t mean you have to do it. Preserving some of your space does not make you a bad daughter. Indeed, since your mother ought to know that about you by now, you could argue that should she insist on that she would be acting as a bad mother. Inadvertently. You may have to do what is so difficult with a parent and remind yourself that you are a grown up. Which is something we all know and yet something which can be easily forgotten in the parent/child relationship.
My mum's dementia seems to have progressed in that she doesn't want to get out of bed or eat much. She seems quite happy just lying there lost in her own thoughts. At least she was today, she was rather more grumpy last time I went. I hate this half-life that she is living.
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I'm able to get up there next week and will spend a day with her, hopefully, if only temporarily, helping her settle into the new reality. It was probably good that I could only be a phone in to the conference yesterday, on a bad line. I might have exploded. The outcome is what I hoped for.
The siblings have somewhat different views about this new reality. I'm enjoying the view from the bottom of a large pit of sand. La la la la la ...
No matter how sad it is. I don't think the reality has sunk in for MrsAPZ99. I don't think it can.
Took us a while to get used to it though…
Best wishes @Zappa
It's sad for you and your siblings, but if it's the right decision for MrsAPZ99 then the change will not sink in. She'll just go in living, say she's happy to see you when you visit - but there will be a time, probably pretty soon from what you've said, when she'll say that but has no idea who you are. But she will be happy in a very real sense, totally without worries or concerns. Prayers for you though.
It also didn't help that she constantly lost contact with the ear end of whatever phone the ward had given her. "I can't hear you. Have you gone?" But that's not dementia - that's a genetic predisposition that she and I share to Ludditism
During those six weeks we need to find a permanent arrangement, but she relly has perked up in the last 24 hours, my sister tells me. Sadly I can't gety up there in the foreseeable future - anbd we certainly won't be able to macth that swishness wherever we she goes next.
Hmmm ... that looks nice ... should I book a spot for myself?
Nenya - New and Nervous All Saints Host
Sticks and walkers? She acknowelged that she has one at the moment but she will get walking over the next few days because she's not like THEM.
Oh, dear God.
You all know how Sister Useless has been...well..useless in any kind of care taking for my APs. D-U has been so helpful in everything regarding Mom and Dad's care and happiness.
I've gotten my paperwork to all the necessary people, and now know the process, so I can help D-U to do all the necessary preparation just in case! I'm not anticipating a problem for myself, but this will ease my mind and Mom and Dad's. If they remember!!
Please pray that Mom can sign the necessary paperwork when the time comes. Most of the time now, I have to sign for her because she doesn't remember how to spell (or write) her last name, and more and more frequently, her first name. It's so sad.
My mum is 94 on Thursday. Hopefully I am going to her birthday party, though I'm a bit stumped with what to buy her.
@Penny S , from what you've said on the prayer thread your friend is worried about losing his home now his mother has gone into care. He needs to get legal advice and talk to social services about disregards. Do you know his sister? Maybe you can help facilitate a meeting between them, as long as you don't get sucked into their dispute. It took a lot of effort for my husband and his siblings to agree on the best way forward for their mother without totally falling out among themselves.
Yesterday I made an emergency trip to the AL where Mom and Dad live. Dad had tried at least ten times to call, and I never heard his voice when I picked up. So, of course I thought something was terribly wrong and rushed over. He had probably accidently hit the mute button, so all was well. I took the oportunity to remind them that I was going with my BFF to the local playhouse to see a musical that evening and they were very pleased for me.
By the time I got to bed, it was after 1:00AM. I gave myself permission to sleep until I wanted to get up. So, of course Dad called early in the morning and said I have to go there and sort out Mom's clothes. I told him I was sleeping and reminded him that I had been out late. He grumbled and said he was sorry to wake me. I decided to go there this afternoon, then went back to sleep and woke up about an hour and a half later, did my chores, then was sitting down to breakfast. Dad called. "Don't bother yourself coming over because your Mother and I took care of it." This was not said with a pleasant tone of voice.
Going to see them this afternoon is not going to happen. (I really do want to, to see what was going on with Mom's clothes, but I might get a little fussy with Dad, and that won't be good for either of us.) Very likely he would have forgotten all this by tomorrow morning, and Mom won't remember any of it at all.
It's like Dad has special radar that tells him when I've gotten to bed late, oh like when I stayed with Mom in the Emergency Room and took her home about 3:00AM, and slept for maybe an hour after getting home when he called at 5:00AM with a hearty "What's happening???!!!"
I'm just griping here because I love my parents and I don't want to give them a piece of my mind today.
Hugs JJ.
Clearly she expected us to sort the matter for her ASAP. And she knew we were all down with diarrhea. It didn't matter. I just couldn't even.
Her sign-off was "Goodbye" rather than "Good night" because "I may not be here tomorrow."
Ugh.
Thanks for all the hugs! I don't feel quite as likely to cry now. Lump is still in my throat, but there's no lump on Dad's head. Just Kidding!!!
I detest moral blackmail.
Hope your mum is recovering from covid @zappa. Both my mum and my MiL had it over Christmas, and both recovered really well. I went to see mum last week. Again she wasn't getting out of bed, but she seemed quite happy. Her nails were filthy, but the carers say they have difficulty getting her to agree to them being sorted out. I', going to go in next week and have a go. Manicures and I are total strangers to each other as I keep my nails very short, so wish me luck.
However, neither one of them remembered about yesterday, and they were their normal sweet selves this morning.
Yay.
No, A. doesn't have a diagnosis of dementia yet, though I'm not sure she isn't starting to have some memory slippage. What she is IMHO is deeply damaged as a human being, to the point that she's alienated all her family members. She has enough self-awareness not to completely destroy the relationship with me or with a couple of church friends, though we're all leaning pretty heavily on God to cope...
I'm pretty sure we all were "sent" to her both to help meet her daily needs and possibly as a way of starting the tiny most healing of the damage. At least, God seems to be going to enormous (and clever!) lengths to prevent her from chopping off her last connection to this church, which is a thing that has happened at least twice before with other congregations.
I'm musing about this because it has provided me with the entertaining spectacle of Mr Lamb annoying the crap out of her, very deliberately and with absolute impunity, as he is both a pastor and a foreigner (by birth) and can get away with shenanigans the rest of us would never manage in a million years. You know, the whole innocent look, "Me no speaka the Engelisch?" But annoying the crap out of someone turns out to be an excellent way to get certain personalities out of fits of depression, the sulks, or a determination to be unhappy. Sort of like tantalizing a cat with a feather toy. The person attempts to ignore the lure, but to no avail. Eventually they go for it, and before you know it, Mr Lamb has bamboozled them into playing piano or some such.
He's used the same technique on me during times of distress, and with similar effects. I never thought I'd see annoyingness as a gift of the Holy Spirit, but here we are.
I'm convinced that we can look after Mum best if she's near us, and aware that she will naturally be nervous about moving into a new area and making a new life. However, she is already showing signs of neediness and I’m worried that I'll be emotionally blackmailed into being a bigger part of that new life than I really have the energy for. Does anyone have any wisdom to impart? Mum will be 80 this year, no longer drives but is otherwise very active.
Where is your mum going to move to? Sheltered accommodation might be a good idea as there are often things going on and a ready made group of people to connect with. My brother was keen to get mum into a retirement village near him in 2012. I thought it was a bad idea, but when things started to go really pear-shaped in 2018 I'd wished I'd pushed her towards doing it.
Edited to explain what I meant a bit more clearly!