The beginning of Wimbledon fortnight
Has arrived - and out I've been caught, right?
For I never watch tennis
As my name is Dennis…
And tennis-lovers all take fright.
A clumsy Old Man with a Brolly
Tried to open it right on the trolley
But the points of the ribs
Poked some leftists and libs
Who yelled "He's a Tory, by golly!"
A puppy while getting his shots
Looked so cute with it’s pattern of spots
That when the pup pee'd
All over his lead
There were "Aaahs" from the people of Notts.
There was once a baker called Bill
Whose bread made the whole village ill
So the butcher next door
Who was sick on the floor
Now has Bill sliced up under his grill
And then there's the candlestick maker
Whose products are made out of nacre
He scours for clams
By beaches and dams,
But he's still been spewed on by the baker.
A cordwainer once was from Crewe
Whose waining of cords wasn't true
His shoes never fitted
But he was quick-witted
When people complained, he went "Moo!"
There was an old man with a shed
Who sat in it 'till he was dead
When they kicked down the door
The sight that they saw
Left them tutting, each shaking their head.
There was once a kind lady called Maud
Who was truly a child of God
Sorry, but that doesn't rhyme!
To me,
"There was once a kind lady called Maud
Who was truly a child of the Lord"
would. But I suspect it wouldn't to anyone who speaks a rhotic dialect of English..
In my western-Canadian university poetry class, we pronounced the name of Yeats' girlfriend Maud Gonne as "mod gone". And from what I can tell from a few Irish YouTube videos about her, that's how they pronounce it in Ireland. But whoever chooses to write the next line can be the tie-breaker.
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Has arrived - and out I've been caught, right?
As my name is Dennis…
Has arrived - and out I've been caught, right?
For I never watch tennis
As my name is Dennis…
And tennis-lovers all take fright.
A clumsy Old Man with a Brolly
Tried to open it right on the trolley.
But the points of the ribs
Tried to open it right on the trolley
But the points of the ribs
Poked some leftists and libs
Who yelled "He's a Tory, by golly!"
Who habitually dressed in a Sari
Who habitually dressed in a Sari
Though she came from Vermont
And was ashen and gaunt
Who habitually dressed in a Sari
Though she came from Vermont
And was ashen and gaunt
With a mind like Lord Vetinari
---
There was an Old Man in a Shed
Who thought that it gave him some cred
To live among tools
Who thought that it gave him some cred
To live among tools
And reels and spools
And to sleep on a lovely nail bed
There was a Young Man on a Bus
Who made an incredible fuss
About all the riders
Who made an incredible fuss
About all the riders
Who brought on their gliders
Who made an incredible fuss
About all the riders
Who brought on their gliders
And made him stand up - what a wuss!
Looked so cute with it’s pattern of spots
Looked so cute with it’s pattern of spots
That when the pup pee'd
Looked so cute with it’s pattern of spots
That when the pup pee'd
All over his lead
There were "Aaahs" from the people of Notts.
Whose bread made the whole village ill
Or:
Looked so cute with its pattern of spots
Again, autocorrect jumped in where it was not needed.
Was to make him much skinnier
As well as perpetually vague
Back to:
la vie en rouge, Circus host
Whose bread made the whole village ill
So the butcher next door
Whose bread made the whole village ill
So the butcher next door
Who was sick on the floor
Now has Bill sliced up under his grill
Whose products are made out of nacre
Whose products are made out of nacre
He scours for clams
By beaches and dams
Whose products are made out of nacre
He scours for clams
By beaches and dams,
But he's still been spewed on by the baker.
____________________
A cordwainer once was from Crewe,
Whose waining of cords wasn't true
His shoes never fitted
Whose waining of cords wasn't true
His shoes never fitted
But he was quick-witted
When people complained, he went "Moo!"
There was an Old Man on a Train
Reading Spinoza and Paine
Reading Spinoza and Paine
The girls were impressed
Perusing Spinoza and Paine
The girls were impressed
Perusing Spinoza and Paine
The girls were impressed
Until he undressed,
And then they just looked with disdain.
___________________
In the town of Stow-in-the-Wold
The porridge is always served cold
The porridge is always served cold
It’s chewy and hard
Tasting like lard
The porridge is always served cold
It’s chewy and hard
Tasting like lard
And frequently covered in mould
———————
There was an old man with a shed
Who sat in it 'till he was dead
When they kicked down the door
Who sat in it 'till he was dead
When they kicked down the door
The sight that they saw
Left them tutting, each shaking their head.
Who was truly a child of God
To me,
"There was once a kind lady called Maud
Who was truly a child of the Lord"
would. But I suspect it wouldn't to anyone who speaks a rhotic dialect of English..
In my western-Canadian university poetry class, we pronounced the name of Yeats' girlfriend Maud Gonne as "mod gone". And from what I can tell from a few Irish YouTube videos about her, that's how they pronounce it in Ireland. But whoever chooses to write the next line can be the tie-breaker.
Who was truly a child of the Lord
So she would abstain