Sorry to hear your news JJ but glad your Mama is now at peace and rid of the ravages of dementia and old age.
Prayers for you, your dad and the rest of the family.
I am so grateful for your kind words, prayers and hugs.
We are okay. I am so tired.
Dad can think about Mom without breaking down in huge sobs, but I know that will still happen on occasion.
Please pray for me and my family. My mum has been diagnosed with inoperable pancreatic cancer, having been through chemotherapy for breast cancer three years ago. It's her 80th birthday this year, if she survives to it, and there are other things going on in the family which mean that family life is a hugely stressful and utterly excruciating nightmare at the moment, and this is inevitably causing friction. I am being made to feel like the bad guy in this because I'm living about 100 miles away and am one of those who can't and won't bury issues, but I'm no more useless than my sister's takeover of the family in the interests of her career (in reality) or her children (in her own eyes) has dictated. Now I'm left feeling distant in all respects, and filled with grief and anger.
Last week, I took my Dad to a men's clothing store to get something to wear to Mom's celebration of life next month. Before we left, he opened his very small closet to show me his clothes. (I know what's in there, Daddy-O!) He said, "What's the matter with these?" How can I begin to tell you! He is a tiny person, only 4 foot 11 inches tall, and 120 pounds. Even though he has some newish slacks and shirts, they are so big on him! He looks like a little kid wearing adult clothing!
So, today I'm taking him to the shop to try on his new clothes. He's so tiny that they had to create a shirt for him. It will be nice to see him in fitted things.
I paid for it. ($$$) I wanted it, so I figure that was the right thing to do. When D-U found out, she sent money to help with the expense. But, I think Dad will be happy looking good!
Now, he needs his ears lowered before the service.
That sounds like a nice day @jedijudy, and I hope your dad likes his new outfit. A few weeks before we got married we went away for a few days with my soon to be in-laws. My lovely mother in law and I went shopping in a rather posh town with lots of very classy dress shops for a mother in law of the bride outfit. Like your dad she was tiny, about 4 foot eight and seven stone. After no luck anywhere we went back to the nicest shop and asked for their suggestions. They came up with the perfect shift dress with short sleeved jacket for her, and very nice she looked on the day too. It's one of my favourite memories of her.
I too recall a very enjoyable day shopping with my (then) future mother-in-law for an outfit for me to wear to D's sister's wedding - it was nice to have a second opinion from someone who didn't know me quite as well as, say, my own mum.
So, today I'm taking him to the shop to try on his new clothes.
Rolling my eyes.
It's a bit of effort for both Dad and I to get him outside and into the car, but I love taking him for a ride as often as I can. And I'm going to consider this a drive for fun, because when we got to the shop, the salesman gave us the slacks. I asked where the shirt was. He looked a bit panicky and said that it wasn't done yet. I told him (very nicely) that I would have preferred to come back to the shop when both pieces were ready.
I'll bet you a cookie that the guy forgot that a shirt was supposed to go with the slacks. Sheesh.
We took my late mother-in-law clothes shopping. She also was very small and needed some tailoring to make things fit. We noticed she was not wearing the clothes we had purchased for her. When we asked her why, she said that she," was saving them for good." I remember my husband saying, "Mom you are 91 years old this is as good as it is going to get." She wore two of the outfits, but when she died 2 years late, one was still folded in the bag.
Mum is hosting a long-planned family lunch tomorrow, as my cousin is visiting.
I had Covid 5-11 March, tested negative on 12 March but still had a lingering cough which has now gone.
My husband tested positive 12 March and still had a faint positive this morning. We're expecting him to test negative tomorrow. He has had it more mildly than me and no cough.
My sister-in-law says that even if he is negative tomorrow my husband can't go to the lunch, as he needs 2 or 3 days consecutive negatives. But she's also asking me to consider whether I should go as I'm part of a Covid positive household. Even if my husband is negative tomorrow, she thinks that this morning's positive would be too close to tomorrow's lunch.
If my husband had it and I hadn't, I'd probably not go, as be concerned that I was incubating it. But I've had it and been negative for six days.
Also questions like "could you mitigate things in some way?" For example, staying masked, sitting by an open window, sitting outside with a window opened between you so you can hear, attending the thing via Zoom... Because there's the fact that, even if you present no danger at all, your sister-in-law is likely to be upset if you go, and if (God forbid) anyone gets it from a different source, she'll never believe that... Ugh. hate these kinds of situations.
The Scottish government website says to stay at home for five days after a positive test, or longer if you have a temperature or feel unwell, and to avoid people who are immunosuppressed for ten days after a positive test.
Mum's not immunosuppressed, but she is 89.
Tomorrow is Day 13 after testing positive for me, and Day 7 of being negative. The problem is the guidance doesn't say anything about people who are negative, but are living with someone who is still positive. I take that to mean it isn't an issue.
Obviously you can't take time off work if you are well and testing negative, just because a family member is testing positive.
I'd be getting advice from those who are experts in the area -BroJames has given the name of one organisation. No offence to others, but who on these boards can lay real claim to being an expert?
I tried phoning NHS 24 but got a message saying that the queueing time for calls to be answered was in excess of 30 mins, and only those who are unwell and in need of urgent advice should remain queueing. Everyone else should go to the website. Which I'd already done.
Because there's the fact that, even if you present no danger at all, your sister-in-law is likely to be upset if you go
This is the crux of the matter. Tbh, sister-in-law and I were interpreting guidelines differently during the pandemic, so this isn't new. She thought the main risk was from touching door handles, so was shopping in larger shops with automatic doors, while I was shopping in smaller shops with fewer people in them, even if it meant opening a door and using hand san. I don't know which of us was right. She was happily going to Starbucks for coffee whilst I was going to a coffee shop with outside seating, and nothing would have induced me to set foot inside Starbucks. She was buying clothes from Marks and Spencer when I was ordering online, convinced it was okay because M&S have automatic doors.
I've had a message "A negative test is only indicative" by which I assume she means that she thinks it's possible to be positive whilst testing negative, but ISTM that that is ridiculous. What's the point in testing if you're going to assume that a negative test is a potential positive?
We didn't fall out over our different interpretations before and I'm anxious not to fall out now.
I think if you don’t want to fall out with your sister in law you probably shouldn’t go.
It’s interesting what people think of as risky behaviour because of Covid. The Christmas before last someone refused to come to our house for lunch as our son had tested positive ( with no symptoms) a couple of days before, even if said son stayed in his room. Our friend was happy to meet in a crowded cafe though.
Mum is crying over the phone at the prospect of her family lunch not happening, as my brother and sister in law said yesterday they can't go either. So if I don't go, Mum will have catered for seven, for only three people. I'm a bit miffed that my brother and sister in law didn't say they couldn't go before Mum did the shopping for the lunch. (It was when they cancelled that Mum told them I was still going, so they're not avoiding it for fear of my being contagious.)
Aaaargh!!!!
I'm about to set out - it's a 2 1/2 hour journey. Husband and I have both tested negative this morning.
Have a great lunch. I doubt there’s any real risk, and since sister-in-law has decided to stage her freak out early, you might as well give thanks and rescue all the good you can out of it. She’s done you a favor!
I think you should go NEQ. Here’s an example: 3 weeks ago King Charles visited MK church. Camilla had Covid so couldn’t come. There was no anxiety about him visiting alone and shaking many hands.
Lunch was roast beef, stuffing, Yorkshire pudding, gravy, roast potatoes, mashed potatoes, carrots and cauliflower cheese.
The last thing Mum wants is for there to be any disagreement between her children and so I am holding my tongue re the covid risk assessment.
However, as a more general question, do others find that their siblings views on "risk" varies?
One issue that has already come up is Mum driving. She drives only short distances, along familiar routes, to the supermarket, to the pharmacy , to visit a friend etc etc. My brother and I are both insured to drive her car. When I'm visiting, I prefer Mum to drive so that I can keep a weather eye on what her driving is like. My brother feels that Mum shouldn't drive more than is necessary, and so if he is around, he drives her. Last January, Mum and I went out at night, with Mum driving. I got a sharp e-mail from my brother saying that he had asked Mum to give up night driving (I didn't know this) and he was not impressed that Mum had been driving at night with me in the passenger seat, when I could and should have been the one driving.
FWIW, I think Mum's driving is good, and I want to keep being the passenger so that if there is an issue, I can spot it.
My brother and I are not disagreeing about this, but after the January e-mail reminding me that Mum is 89, and yesterday's e-mail reminding me that Mum is 89, both implying that I have a cavalier approach to Mum's wellbeing, I am distinctly miffed. The more so as I spend more time with Mum than he does.
The above isn't meant as criticism of my brother btw.
He deserves it. Funny how the sibling who does all the heavy lifting gets criticised by the one(s) as don’t.
My parents are long gone but my brother got away with blue murder during my mother’s ( mercifully brief) final illness, and my older sister did at least 50% more than I did.
I don't do all the heavy lifting by any means, but I think I do more than my brother. I certainly spend more time with her, and phone daily.
Partly, I think he sees her as less able than I do. Mum was out for coffee with four friends last Thursday, and said the cafe was "packed." She's giving a friend a lift to the doctor's tomorrow. She's planning a trip to the theatre cinema with three friends to see the new Judi Dench film Allelujah soon.
But my brother is definitely seeing her as old, frail and vulnerable.
Comments
I'm glad your sister was there, and of course your daughter and her husband. I hope you can all offer support to each other.
Prayers for you, your dad and the rest of the family.
May your mum rest in peace and rise in glory.
We are okay. I am so tired.
Dad can think about Mom without breaking down in huge sobs, but I know that will still happen on occasion.
So, today I'm taking him to the shop to try on his new clothes. He's so tiny that they had to create a shirt for him. It will be nice to see him in fitted things.
I paid for it. ($$$) I wanted it, so I figure that was the right thing to do. When D-U found out, she sent money to help with the expense. But, I think Dad will be happy looking good!
Now, he needs his ears lowered before the service.
Rolling my eyes.
It's a bit of effort for both Dad and I to get him outside and into the car, but I love taking him for a ride as often as I can. And I'm going to consider this a drive for fun, because when we got to the shop, the salesman gave us the slacks. I asked where the shirt was. He looked a bit panicky and said that it wasn't done yet. I told him (very nicely) that I would have preferred to come back to the shop when both pieces were ready.
I'll bet you a cookie that the guy forgot that a shirt was supposed to go with the slacks. Sheesh.
Mum is hosting a long-planned family lunch tomorrow, as my cousin is visiting.
I had Covid 5-11 March, tested negative on 12 March but still had a lingering cough which has now gone.
My husband tested positive 12 March and still had a faint positive this morning. We're expecting him to test negative tomorrow. He has had it more mildly than me and no cough.
My sister-in-law says that even if he is negative tomorrow my husband can't go to the lunch, as he needs 2 or 3 days consecutive negatives. But she's also asking me to consider whether I should go as I'm part of a Covid positive household. Even if my husband is negative tomorrow, she thinks that this morning's positive would be too close to tomorrow's lunch.
If my husband had it and I hadn't, I'd probably not go, as be concerned that I was incubating it. But I've had it and been negative for six days.
Am I putting Mum at risk if I go?
Mum's not immunosuppressed, but she is 89.
Tomorrow is Day 13 after testing positive for me, and Day 7 of being negative. The problem is the guidance doesn't say anything about people who are negative, but are living with someone who is still positive. I take that to mean it isn't an issue.
Obviously you can't take time off work if you are well and testing negative, just because a family member is testing positive.
Because there's the fact that, even if you present no danger at all, your sister-in-law is likely to be upset if you go
This is the crux of the matter. Tbh, sister-in-law and I were interpreting guidelines differently during the pandemic, so this isn't new. She thought the main risk was from touching door handles, so was shopping in larger shops with automatic doors, while I was shopping in smaller shops with fewer people in them, even if it meant opening a door and using hand san. I don't know which of us was right. She was happily going to Starbucks for coffee whilst I was going to a coffee shop with outside seating, and nothing would have induced me to set foot inside Starbucks. She was buying clothes from Marks and Spencer when I was ordering online, convinced it was okay because M&S have automatic doors.
I've had a message "A negative test is only indicative" by which I assume she means that she thinks it's possible to be positive whilst testing negative, but ISTM that that is ridiculous. What's the point in testing if you're going to assume that a negative test is a potential positive?
We didn't fall out over our different interpretations before and I'm anxious not to fall out now.
It’s interesting what people think of as risky behaviour because of Covid. The Christmas before last someone refused to come to our house for lunch as our son had tested positive ( with no symptoms) a couple of days before, even if said son stayed in his room. Our friend was happy to meet in a crowded cafe though.
Aaaargh!!!!
I'm about to set out - it's a 2 1/2 hour journey. Husband and I have both tested negative this morning.
Enjoy it when you get there.
Jesus wept….
Seconded. You have been too accommodating to the silly bloody woman. It’s your mother and her party; good riddance to SIL and her spouse your brother.
Have a great family lunch, 2.5 hr drive notwithstanding. Hope you can have at least 1 drink.
Lunch was roast beef, stuffing, Yorkshire pudding, gravy, roast potatoes, mashed potatoes, carrots and cauliflower cheese.
The last thing Mum wants is for there to be any disagreement between her children and so I am holding my tongue re the covid risk assessment.
However, as a more general question, do others find that their siblings views on "risk" varies?
One issue that has already come up is Mum driving. She drives only short distances, along familiar routes, to the supermarket, to the pharmacy , to visit a friend etc etc. My brother and I are both insured to drive her car. When I'm visiting, I prefer Mum to drive so that I can keep a weather eye on what her driving is like. My brother feels that Mum shouldn't drive more than is necessary, and so if he is around, he drives her. Last January, Mum and I went out at night, with Mum driving. I got a sharp e-mail from my brother saying that he had asked Mum to give up night driving (I didn't know this) and he was not impressed that Mum had been driving at night with me in the passenger seat, when I could and should have been the one driving.
FWIW, I think Mum's driving is good, and I want to keep being the passenger so that if there is an issue, I can spot it.
My brother and I are not disagreeing about this, but after the January e-mail reminding me that Mum is 89, and yesterday's e-mail reminding me that Mum is 89, both implying that I have a cavalier approach to Mum's wellbeing, I am distinctly miffed. The more so as I spend more time with Mum than he does.
He deserves it. Funny how the sibling who does all the heavy lifting gets criticised by the one(s) as don’t.
My parents are long gone but my brother got away with blue murder during my mother’s ( mercifully brief) final illness, and my older sister did at least 50% more than I did.
Partly, I think he sees her as less able than I do. Mum was out for coffee with four friends last Thursday, and said the cafe was "packed." She's giving a friend a lift to the doctor's tomorrow. She's planning a trip to the theatre cinema with three friends to see the new Judi Dench film Allelujah soon.
But my brother is definitely seeing her as old, frail and vulnerable.
Best ignored: your Mum will fail soon enough without his anticipatory efforts.
You are doing fine.