@Moo , did your friend’s mother recover from the dementia? How did they find out it was a reaction to one of the drugs?
Yes. Within 2 days of the drug's being discontinued, she was normal. I'm not sure about the details of how the problem was discovered. I know my friend was very indignant when the doctor took it for granted that she had suffered from dementia for quite a while. I think my friend probably protested so vigorously that the doctors considered the possibility that something new caused the dementia.
@Autenrieth Road , is there a dementia specialist nurse or similar that can help with strategies to get your mother accepting care?
My mother in law had an accident in the bath last week and wasn't found till some hours later. Se really should have been checked over by paramedics but refused to let my brother-in-law ring 111. She was in a very bad way, and for a couple of days seemed to have forgotten how to walk. My husband is going up this weekend to see how things are, but it sounds like carers coming in at the very least is now an urgent priority.
My mother went totally doolally (sp?) after some sort of TIA , not at the time but when she was on a ward. She suffered from all sorts of delusions. I told the ward sister that she was not normally like this and the sooner she got home, the sooner she would recover. They allowed her home to celebrate her 91st birthday. I was absolutely right as she was soon back to normal. She had become so disorientated in hospital.
Hugs for all, to quote @jedijudy . And you're so right - when we know that other people are going through the same issues it makes it easier for us to believe that it Isn't Necessarily All Our Fault. The very fact that people take the trouble to share their problems on here makes it quite evident that they care very deeply about the problems known as APs!
I hesitate to say this because I know that my experience will not be the same for anyone else. However, when my mother died I had, and still have, a strong sense of getting her back.
Having seen her decline for months there was relief when she died. I had done my grieving along the way, with the occasional meltdown that the woman I knew wasn't there any longer. Now she is dead I have a deep sense that she is with me, and I don't mean in any mystical way. I know how mum would react to what I am doing now; I'm very aware of her encouragement, and occasional caution. The old lady with dementia was only a shadow of my mother; now that the shadow has passed I am enjoying the reality again.
My sister's first reaction to Dad's death was exactly the same. Compared to Mum's decline Dad's was relatively brief over about three to four years I would guess and he had really only become a caricature of himself in the last year.
Thinking of you all. My AP is positively frisky at the mo. And, praise be to God, is unable to come and stay with us this year as she is to have some sort of eye surgery (she thinks - she's a bit confused about that, but she's not coming anyway). It sounds cruel, but we really just couldn't cope. A house with all sorts of odd levels and tripping hazards, two dogs, and very steep terrain, plus the incontinence issues. A relief.
AR, to hospice? I don't want to pry but more must be going on than the last report I saw. I hope you are doing okay and have people to talk to. Thinking of you from over the border!
Thank you for your concern @Lily Pad. Please feel free to ask anything. I have learned so much from other people here and if my experience with my mother can be helpful for others, then I want to be able to contribute.
Hospice is for less than 6 months to live and a terminal illness, which dementia is. My mother’s functioning is dramatically much less than before the operation. She suddenly has very little language left, for example. These are known risks of general anesthesia, in elderly people with dementia. (The surgeon told me that with my mother’s risk factors, the risk was about 50%.). My mother takes a blood thinner which meant that general anesthesia had to be used when repairing her leg (with a plate) rather than the less risky spinal block. And of course she needed to have her leg repaired, so the anesthesia couldn’t be avoided.
I met with the social worker and palliative care specialist at the hospital yesterday to fill out health care directives for my mother. Fortunately my mother has a living will and we had had some conversations. I am my mother’s health care proxy (and power of attorney).
To add to the general mood of distress, the Dowager is not doing so well. She has lost a lot of mobility, and has a lot of water retention so they were keeping her in bed yesterday, so she didn't bump herself and get an ulcer.
I also had to have the conversation about whether they should send her back to hospital, but I did ask them not to, as she was so desperately unhappy there. Given how she has declined recently, I just can't see there being a good outcome, and I'm sure she'd prefer to be in the only home she can now remember.
That sounds quite reasonable to me, Mrs. S. I'm sorry that she isn't have an easy time. I hope that she becomes more comfortable and that being with her familiar carers helps her.
@The Intrepid Mrs S that is a hard decision to be faced with. I had to make that decision this week for my mother. It sounds like a good decision for your mother.
A friend said that I’m not making decisions for my mother; I’m communicating my mother’s wishes.
Sending kind thoughts for you and the Dowager, for peace and comfort.
Praying for you all 🕯. Both my husband’s and my parents died young (50’s), so we won’t experience what you are all dealing with, but I can only imagine the maelstrom of emotions you are coping with on a daily basis and think you are all doing a wonderful job!
@Doone, it's such a mixed blessing. Thank you for the encouragement!
I'm so sorry your parents and parents-in-law died so young. Many of my friends have lost one or both of their parents, and I feel so bad for them and you.
Every day, I think of what a blessing it is to still have my parents, but also pray for strength to take care of them the best way possible. They are disappearing before my eyes, and that's hard.
Today, my dad discovered that both his debit card and credit card are missing. He's alarmed about it, because he has been aware that his thinking is deteriorating pretty quickly, and it's frightening for him. I just hope I can stay on top of all the changes so they don't have to worry about them.
The Ship of Fools community has been a great support to me through the time of caring for her at home and this last time of caring for her at the hospice. Thank you.
Keep watch, dear Lord, with those who work, or watch, or weep this night, and give thine angels charge over those who sleep. Tend the sick, Lord Christ; give rest to the weary, bless the dying, soothe the suffering, pity the afflicted, shield the joyous; and all for thy love’s sake. Amen.
Oh @Autenrieth Road I am so sorry for your loss. And sorry that your Mum had to endure what she did; and sorry that you had to walk that path with her also.
I hope you know that you couldn't have been a better daughter to her, and that in time you'll be able to remember her as the person she used to be, the whole person, not the shadow of herself that she became.
Autenreith Road if you experience is anything like mine there will be a business that does not disguise the fact that there is big gap which used to be filled with caring for your mother. Be gentle with yourself it takes time to develop new habit that will bring a sense of order and until that happens it is very easy to forget things and make mistakes.
Got a phone call from my mother--had been thinking about calling her, as my sister is with the Lord and that leaves her without the amount of contact she needs and wants. I really feel like I ought to call weekly, but I have to choose my time, because of the effects that talking with her has on me mentally. Case in point--tonight. She told me tonight my stepfather has had a recurrence of his cancer and described it, and the dire possibilities, in great detail. (I'm fairly sure that if I can strip out the dramatic phrasing it amounts to "Yes, we'd rather this didn't happen, but there are several treatments we can do, and nothing huge is going to change overnight or even in a year or two.") She then went on to ask me about my son and suggested that he might "do something" (unspecified) if he goes away to college and continues to have high anxiety there. At which point I said "fuck it" mentally and got off the phone, but not before being told that I'm too sensitive, that my son and I both need to learn how to deal with life because "these things happen" (reference was to the three surgeries in my household this last four months), and "I'm telling you this for your own good." I got off and took a pill for panic attacks.
I hate to think this, but I wonder if I'm not detecting some pleasure in these interactions. She seems to love to be the bearer of bad news, and deliberately mystifies the topic as much as she can--so I end up in the maximum amount of emotional turmoil while knowing as little as possible. Tonight it was a recounting of my stepdad's medical history with references to mysterious test results four years ago she can't quite remember (she's a retired nurse, seriously on that one????).
If I could, I would talk only to my stepdad on these subjects, but he flat-out refuses to get in the middle of it. He leaves her to tell the family news as she pleases.
Mr. Lamb is on his way home from watching a soccer game, so he can talk me off the ceiling soon. I hate hate HATE this.
My mother does something similar (see previous posts ad nauseum, when I have used the Ship as a safety valve) .
In our case, we have very different forms of communicating. I suspect having trained as a lawyer has exacerbated my natural tendency to pin down facts.
Mum tries to communicate an emotion. She's not that bothered about the facts. So she'll say something to me that makes little sense and instead of picking up on the emotion and saying, as I ought "that must be very worrying for you" and moving on, I'll start nit picking the facts. And Mum, having failed to communicate her emotion doubles down throwing in more implausible facts which I will then nit pick.
Weirdly, when I am emotional, Mum can't pick up on that at all. I don't think she realises I have emotions, and she tends to stick the knife in when I am down. I am sure she has no idea that she is doing it. She's very kind, but she can be absolutely vicious - I think she's trying to provoke an emotion without realising that I am already emotionally over stretched, and really can't cope with any more.
Mum and I just don't seem to be able to communicate in any way that works for us both.
Comments
Yes. Within 2 days of the drug's being discontinued, she was normal. I'm not sure about the details of how the problem was discovered. I know my friend was very indignant when the doctor took it for granted that she had suffered from dementia for quite a while. I think my friend probably protested so vigorously that the doctors considered the possibility that something new caused the dementia.
I don't feel so alone knowing you all understand what it's like! Hugs!
My mother in her delirium is refusing all care: medicine, water, food.
My mother in law had an accident in the bath last week and wasn't found till some hours later. Se really should have been checked over by paramedics but refused to let my brother-in-law ring 111. She was in a very bad way, and for a couple of days seemed to have forgotten how to walk. My husband is going up this weekend to see how things are, but it sounds like carers coming in at the very least is now an urgent priority.
Praying for all especially JJ, @Sarasa and @Autenrieth Road
This is unexpectedly hard. It’s hard in a very different way from how living with my mother has been hard.
AR I can’t begin to imagine how hard it is. Do the medics have any idea how long this is likely to last? Are they getting any treatment to her?
Having seen her decline for months there was relief when she died. I had done my grieving along the way, with the occasional meltdown that the woman I knew wasn't there any longer. Now she is dead I have a deep sense that she is with me, and I don't mean in any mystical way. I know how mum would react to what I am doing now; I'm very aware of her encouragement, and occasional caution. The old lady with dementia was only a shadow of my mother; now that the shadow has passed I am enjoying the reality again.
@Zappa here’s a toast to frisky APs!
My mother is on comfort care at the hospital and will be discharged to hospice this evening.
Hospice is for less than 6 months to live and a terminal illness, which dementia is. My mother’s functioning is dramatically much less than before the operation. She suddenly has very little language left, for example. These are known risks of general anesthesia, in elderly people with dementia. (The surgeon told me that with my mother’s risk factors, the risk was about 50%.). My mother takes a blood thinner which meant that general anesthesia had to be used when repairing her leg (with a plate) rather than the less risky spinal block. And of course she needed to have her leg repaired, so the anesthesia couldn’t be avoided.
I met with the social worker and palliative care specialist at the hospital yesterday to fill out health care directives for my mother. Fortunately my mother has a living will and we had had some conversations. I am my mother’s health care proxy (and power of attorney).
I also had to have the conversation about whether they should send her back to hospital, but I did ask them not to, as she was so desperately unhappy there. Given how she has declined recently, I just can't see there being a good outcome, and I'm sure she'd prefer to be in the only home she can now remember.
Mrs. S, hoping she's done the right thing
@The Intrepid Mrs S that is a hard decision to be faced with. I had to make that decision this week for my mother. It sounds like a good decision for your mother.
A friend said that I’m not making decisions for my mother; I’m communicating my mother’s wishes.
Sending kind thoughts for you and the Dowager, for peace and comfort.
I'm so sorry your parents and parents-in-law died so young. Many of my friends have lost one or both of their parents, and I feel so bad for them and you.
Every day, I think of what a blessing it is to still have my parents, but also pray for strength to take care of them the best way possible. They are disappearing before my eyes, and that's hard.
Today, my dad discovered that both his debit card and credit card are missing. He's alarmed about it, because he has been aware that his thinking is deteriorating pretty quickly, and it's frightening for him. I just hope I can stay on top of all the changes so they don't have to worry about them.
🕯 🕯 🕯
🕯 AR
🕯 Mrs S
🕯 JJ
and others collectively
The Ship of Fools community has been a great support to me through the time of caring for her at home and this last time of caring for her at the hospice. Thank you.
Keep watch, dear Lord, with those who work, or watch, or weep this night, and give thine angels charge over those who sleep. Tend the sick, Lord Christ; give rest to the weary, bless the dying, soothe the suffering, pity the afflicted, shield the joyous; and all for thy love’s sake. Amen.
🕯 🕯 🕯 {{{Mum}}} 🕯 🕯 🕯
I hope you know that you couldn't have been a better daughter to her, and that in time you'll be able to remember her as the person she used to be, the whole person, not the shadow of herself that she became.
May she rest in peace and rise in glory 🕯 🕯 🕯
(((AR)))
Rest eternal grant unto her, O Lord, and let light perpetual shine upon her.
I hate to think this, but I wonder if I'm not detecting some pleasure in these interactions. She seems to love to be the bearer of bad news, and deliberately mystifies the topic as much as she can--so I end up in the maximum amount of emotional turmoil while knowing as little as possible. Tonight it was a recounting of my stepdad's medical history with references to mysterious test results four years ago she can't quite remember (she's a retired nurse, seriously on that one????).
If I could, I would talk only to my stepdad on these subjects, but he flat-out refuses to get in the middle of it. He leaves her to tell the family news as she pleases.
Mr. Lamb is on his way home from watching a soccer game, so he can talk me off the ceiling soon. I hate hate HATE this.
In our case, we have very different forms of communicating. I suspect having trained as a lawyer has exacerbated my natural tendency to pin down facts.
Mum tries to communicate an emotion. She's not that bothered about the facts. So she'll say something to me that makes little sense and instead of picking up on the emotion and saying, as I ought "that must be very worrying for you" and moving on, I'll start nit picking the facts. And Mum, having failed to communicate her emotion doubles down throwing in more implausible facts which I will then nit pick.
Weirdly, when I am emotional, Mum can't pick up on that at all. I don't think she realises I have emotions, and she tends to stick the knife in when I am down. I am sure she has no idea that she is doing it. She's very kind, but she can be absolutely vicious - I think she's trying to provoke an emotion without realising that I am already emotionally over stretched, and really can't cope with any more.
Mum and I just don't seem to be able to communicate in any way that works for us both.