Yesterday youngest brother had a seizure. They got him to hospital. A CT scan shows he has a brain tumor, likely a metastasized tumor. They were to run an MRI today to see just how extensive it really is. So far the person who has legal guardianship of him is refusing to consider treatment other than keeping him comfortable. My other brother is going to tell Mom what is happening to my youngest brother today.
Feeling a little empty today. While the youngest brother has had some severe health issues over the past few years, it is hard to think he is on his way out.
My dad used to bring CDs of music that my mum had liked and play them quietly to her when she was in hospital. I think he reckoned she got something out of hearing them, but as she really couldn't communicate, it was hard to tell.
She may well have, and good on your father for trying. And if she got nothing beyond listening to music, still good on him for trying. Either way, there was a benefit to him.
Dad was in hospital for his last hours. My oldest brother (who now has Parkinson's) grabbed his CD player and a stack of CDs because he was aware that hesring is often the last sense to lose. We didn't really know how much he was taking in, but when my sister -in-law went to change one before it had finished he made angry noises.
Actually it was lovely listening to his music with him as we had often done before and it definitely made a happy last memory for all of us.
(( @Gramps49, prayers for wisdom with your mother.))
Re our AP, all their life they adored music but when independent living became an absolute and a very rude impossibility it seemed like music went with the home.
It was truly heartbreaking.
They utterly refused to have CDs or radio.....banned even the regular religious weekly television music. For years it was a silent world in that room.
Now
Miraculously
They have forgotten all those edicts. Hurrah for memory loss!
So Classic FM is the background to almost continuous slumber.
The room is a peaceful place once more.........
There is a slowly growing body of evidence that our ability to appreciate music endures when verbal processing power fails, particularly music people grew up with.
A clergyman friend of ours re-found his voice after suffering a stroke by singing the priest's part of the Responses, when D's assistant visited him (and sang in the choir's bit).
My mum liked me singing to her (which made her unique!) especially the songs she used to use to sing us to sleep. "Jesus loves me, this I know," was her favourite.
Sorry to hear about your brother @Gramps49 .
I would hate the thought of anyone playing me music, as unless I was able to listen to it properly. I hate extraneous background noise, and it would wind me up rather than calm me down. That is, of course, if I could hear it in the first place.
Yesterday was mum's 92nd birthday. The Care Home laid on a dancer and a large birthday cake. I think mum had fun, I certainly did. For some reason mum told everyone she was 74 and the dancer believed her, as she looks nowhere near her age. Maybe I'm entitled to knock twenty years of my age too. Her memory is now very poor. She asked me if I was married and when I said yes and told her who to, she seemed surprised that I was still with him.
I'm back tomorrow to do a session for World Book Day. I'm taking in my copy of Julia Horatia Ewing's The Brownies, as the story was mentioned in another session last week. I think we then might have a go at writing our own moral story.
Happy Birthday, Sarasa's mother. It doesn't seem like two years since you were planning her 90th birthday party.
Dad had a hospital appointment yesterday. Mum was asked not to go with him, as the hospital are restricting the number of unnecessary people milling about as a coronavirus precaution. Dad got on fine, and seems to have quite enjoyed the appointment.
What are other people's thoughts on visiting elderly relatives re coronavirus?
My parents are in their mid 80s. Mum is in good health, but Dad is on a low maintenance dose of chemo, and therefore susceptible to infection.
Both my son and I were planning to visit this week. Neither of us have been in contact with the virus as far as we know, but I've been in two cities this week and travelled between them by train. The Loon has also been travelling about and has clocked up several hundred miles by train and bus.
I'm also living with the NE man who flew home via a 5 hour stop over in Heathrow a week ago.
What is everyone else doing re visiting their APs?
I’m still visiting mum in her care home and they are continuing with normal activities etc. They have put a hand sanitising unit by reception and sent all us relatives an email about using it, and not visiting if we are ill. We were discussing Coronavirus in my writing class yesterday. Several members have poor immune systems but we are carrying on as normal, just making sure we wash hands etc.
I have two friends just returned from the Venice Carnivale. Both are in their 70s, and K has multiple serious health issues. Because of these, they have to travel by train. But despite passing through three countries (Italy, France, England) with reported cases, and by public transport, they appear fine.
Mr F is also on chemo, but we have not altered our normal life - except I've taken to carrying a packet of wipes for any time I've touched a bus say.
My APs are in a city (-ish) where several cases have been found. This is not lovely, but it is what it is. They know the right things to do, so...
I'm a bit hornswoggled at the moment because of an email charging me with not sending a thank you note for a Christmas card (possibly with check, possibly not) and asking whether I ever received it, while reminding me that we have a long history of not sending thank yous appropriately (or so they say--it's news to me, though I suppose we could have screwed up, got lost in the mail, etc). Given that I was face down in a eye surgery positioning mask and etc. over the Christmas season, I have no.idea.whatsoever. whether we ever got their card. My son can't recall either. The email was vague enough that I don't know whether they have an outstanding uncashed check, or are just angry at no thank you for a card. It does manage to convey quite a bit of anger, which my mother is handing on through my stepfather (and isn't THAT a can of worms, since it appears she is also taking exception to my communicating with him and not with her--though she has bricked her phone and does not respond to texts, nor does she have email. So I'm not sure what she expects me to do here.) Gaaahhhh.
I have booked to visit my brother who is in care, but it's not until May. NZ care homes that I have visited all have sanitising gel near reception with signs asking that it be used entering and leaving the place.
Thank you. Damn, this is escalating. I got a return email strongly suggesting (if not outright saying) that I am lying to cover up my son's misdeeds. The train of communication apparently starts with my mother, goes through her husband, who castigates me, expecting me to hand it on to my son. I have asked her to speak directly to him if she has a problem with him. All this is doing is getting the entire family upset and freaked out.
I expect a really angry one tomorrow in return. If not a phone call.
I have also been accused of reading way too much into their messages (a variety of "you're too sensitive" from my childhood). I have a fucking doctorate in English, and I think I can read what they're saying. Anyone who mutters for half a paragraph about how my son is going to get what's coming to him is NOT in a happy, peaceful, anger-free mood.
I feel like I've fallen through the looking glass.
Brother is now under hospice care at home. He apparently is not aware of what is happening. Because he has had a seizure his car has been taken away. He is pretty upset about that but does not understand why. I am going there in a couple of weeks to discuss options with my other brother.
I'm also worried about coronavirus in this context NEQ. My parents are over seventy and stepfather diabetic. People can be contagious without being symptomatic for some days so because I still have to meet people for work I could get infected and not know it before visiting. To make matters worse my mother thinks it's not serious or they would have cancelled sporting events, so is just relying on hand washing while going out and about as usual. She's not social distancing and is determined to go on a cruise abroad in June because they've 'paid for it'. So I'm really quite frightened. She's far more likely to be OK than my stepfather but is not taking it seriously because the government aren't acting.
The decision has almost been made for me; I woke up yesterday with a sniffle and a bit of a cough. Any form of cough / cold would be bad for my father; I've avoided visiting with any form of a cold for the last five years.
I'm pretty sure Dad would not survive coronavirus. He's in his eighties and the chemo affects his immune system. The time time he had a cough it lingered for weeks. The chance of me catching coronavirus and passing it on might be slight, but the consequences would be horrendous. Mum is tough, but she's almost 87.
It's not as though, if I came into contact with it, I'd know. In the last week I've been on trains and buses, in the university library, university canteens, all places with a mobile population passing through. Assuming that being on the same bus, or in the same room as, counts as "being in contact with" then I reckon I've "been in contact with" upwards of 400 people in the last week. Plus the NE Man spent 5 hours in Heathrow within the last fortnight.
Mum and Dad don't go out much - Dad has another hospital outpatient appointment today, and Mum goes to the supermarket daily, at quiet times. But they don't go into groups socially, just have visitors round for coffee, and their hygiene is impeccable.
I was at a doctor's appointment this morning, and noticed that they no longer have magazines in the waiting room (a bit of a pain, as I wasn't seen until about 20 minutes after I should have been).
The place wasn't very busy - not sure if that's usual on a Tuesday morning, or that people are avoiding seeing doctors if they can - but I couldn't help wondering if I'd made myself more of a risk* just by being there.
* I wouldn't be a high risk generally: I'm not 60 yet, and don't have asthma or any other chronic conditions, but I'd presumably still be able to carry the virus, and thence transmit it.
A friend who was supposed to be having dinner with us tonight has cancelled, on the basis that between the three of us (self, husband and our son) we have been in too many places in the last fortnight for him to trust that we are not incubating COVID-19. He is immuno-suppressed and reckons the risk is small, but the consequences potentially fatal. Certainly not worth risking for the sake of eating my cooking and enjoying our company!!!!
@North East Quine , mums care home hasn’t stopped relatives and friends from visiting, though the usual sensible precautions are in place. They have stopped people coming in to run activities , and I think non essential visits out for residents. The manager said yesterday that family visits may well have to be stopped shortly though.
I’d agree it isn’t worth taking the risk. A monthly quiz team I belong to have decided to not meet next month as one of our members has cancer and a very poor immune system.
As for visiting your parents, it’s probably sensible not to, though my husband is off to see his mum this weekend, as he thinks travel restrictions might be in place by the time he has another opportunity.
It feels like a balancing act - last week all three of us did an unusual amount of travelling, involving hundreds of miles on trains and buses. The North East Man flew back from South America via a 5 hour stopover in Heathrow on Sat 29 Feb; the Loon was travelling for Book Week - Aberdeen, Glasgow, Ayr, Livingstone, and I was in Aberdeen, Dundee and Fife. All journeys were done by plane / train / bus, and all my trains were crowded. The Loon has been working in schools, and the NE Man and I in different universities.
Our friend cancelled on the basis that we have been in contact with far too many people in the last 14 days for him to feel safe with us.
As we're all well, and we haven't been travelling in the last five days it feels much less likely that we've picked something up, but at the same time we're seeing increasing restrictions put in place.
Not my parent, but my friend's AP. F has been in a nursing home for almost two years. She is 100 years old, and slowly going through the process of dying. Her daughter was told today that the residents will no longer be able to have any visitors, including family. This is so hard for G. She doesn't want F to feel abandoned, and is terrified that her mom may pass while the quarantine is in effect.
I know they are being wise keeping visitors away from the elderly residents, but it's so difficult for the people who love them.
I'm not letting my parents leave their home. Surprisingly, they offered no resistance to the idea that I would only take them out to important things like doctor appointments.
Can't see that stopping visitors to the frail elderly in care homes is a good move.
Normal precautions, like not visiting if at all unwell, and washing/sanitising hands stringently should limit the risk to their physical health, but their emotional help will suffer especially for the very frail and confused.
I really feel for F's daughter, and all who are desperate to support their APs in those circumstances.
I have booked tickets in May to go to see my brother who is in care. Even if his care home forbid visitors he is in a ground floor room and I will be able to wave through a window. I will cancel though if covid 19 becomes more widely spread in the community. NZ announced the 6th person with it today after 6 days of no new cases. The man returned recently from the US.
Sigh. When *we* try to explain to my husband's parents that they're in a high risk group for Coronavirus (in their 70s and in generally quite poor health) they look astonished and ask if we're not overreacting. When the pastor cancels church and tells them to stay at home as much as possible, they suddenly pay attention. At least it gets the right end result I suppose.
Also my mother: you are 70 and have asthma. Yes you do need to be careful. I think I need to set my brother on her.
My husband has gone to spend the night with his mother. We debated if it was a sensible idea, but as he can't visit for the next two weeks and this is a fast changing situation he thought he ought to go just in case he can't visit for a while. If her younger son and daughter who are her principal carers get the Coronavirus she will be in serious trouble as she can do very little for herself now.
Mum's care home have just sent some information about what's happening. Basically relatives can visit if they are well, but everything else is cancelled. The residents with physical difficulties rather than dementia have come up with ideas to keep themselves entertained. including a poker school.
My mother is 84 and declining -- she has atrial fibrillation, which is getting worse and makes her short of breath, and she is mentally slowing down. She lives in a senior community in her own apartment; someone comes in to clean every two weeks and she goes into the dining hall for all her meals. The community has closed the skilled nursing and assisted living areas to all visitors. I am going up Sunday and spending the night in order to take her to a legal/financial meeting Monday morning, and I have to be screened at the health center before I go over to her apartment. They have not yet closed the dining hall, though, and she's very lonely, so I've been washing my hands like crazy and wiping down surfaces with Clorox wipes, especially at work. But after this visit, I don't know when I'll see her again. She'll be well taken care of where she lives, but honestly, I'm terrified for her.
And an hour later, she called and said she thinks it's not a good idea for me to come. It's a relief. I don't have to think she might catch this thing from me or someone at the meeting. Now I'm just trying not to catastrophize and think that I might never see her again.
Two of my kids and their families had been planning on visiting my mother this next week. One was planning on flying in with his wife from Wisconsin (Alaska Airlines through Chicago and Seattle to Boise.) The other was planning on driving in from Portland OR with his two young children. They are both thinking that they may have to postpone their trips because of Covid19. They do not want to expose Mom to anything that might be bad for her. I get that.
My biggest concern is my brother only has about six months now. What will his condition be two months from now? I don't think he is cognitive enough to appreciate them visiting now, because of dementia; but I am more concerned about how stressful that may for Mom to have a son at the last stages of his life and to have people coming in to visit at the same time.
@Ruth and @Gramps49 , this is very hard. Anyway someone could set up skype, facetime or similar so at least you can see and chat to each other? Mum's Care Home have suggested this, but I don't think it would work for us as mum's eyesight is so bad, and I'm not sure even a simple phone call would work anymore as chatting in person is difficult enough now.
I learned more when I checked the website of the place where Mom lives: they're now closed to all visitors. So it's not her decision or mine, and she'll get the best possible care in the circumstances.
Thank you all for your prayers, and I am thinking of you and your APs.
My sister is still in hospital - that must be six weeks now, I think. I did not visit whilst Norovirus was rife and now I feel I should not because of the potential to carry Coronavirus germs. They say she is ready for discharge but she is refusing to eat and is needing one to one care much of the time. Her Home seem unwilling to have her back, though I am convinced she would be much less disorientated in her Home. I don’t know if she has had a psych assessment on the ward. Her future seems very uncertain in so many respects.
Meanwhile we over 70 ies are to practise social distancing, and worse to come, so I don’t know when I will see her. I don’t suppose she understands why.
D's son and I have both, separately, come to a position where we wouldn't have wished it at the time, but we are very glad D left us before this happened. We can't imagine how we could have managed things with her no longer very able to understand what was happening.
I am praying for all of you with people to care for, and especially those now cut off from being able to support them in person.
Yes, one thing I have had to accept is I have probably visited Mum for the last time. When we finally got to the bottom of why they wanted to send her to hospital last Tuesday it turned out that it was quite likely because she had failed to swallow properly her drink and she was not sick at all. What it means is Mum is loosing the ability to associate drink in her mouth with swallowing. She is not going to live forever if she does not know how to drink and we are unlikely to give permission for further medical intervention which would in the end only slow the process of dying. With the way care homes are discouraging visitors and the fact it means a train journey I am thinking it might be a while before I really can visit.
Comments
Feeling a little empty today. While the youngest brother has had some severe health issues over the past few years, it is hard to think he is on his way out.
She may well have, and good on your father for trying. And if she got nothing beyond listening to music, still good on him for trying. Either way, there was a benefit to him.
Actually it was lovely listening to his music with him as we had often done before and it definitely made a happy last memory for all of us.
I hope someone plays Leonard Cohen for me.
I am so sorry
Re our AP, all their life they adored music but when independent living became an absolute and a very rude impossibility it seemed like music went with the home.
It was truly heartbreaking.
They utterly refused to have CDs or radio.....banned even the regular religious weekly television music. For years it was a silent world in that room.
Now
Miraculously
They have forgotten all those edicts. Hurrah for memory loss!
So Classic FM is the background to almost continuous slumber.
The room is a peaceful place once more.........
https://england.nhs.uk/blog/music-and-dementia-a-powerful-connector/
https://ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/health-wellbeing/conditions-illnesses/dementia/dementia-and-music/
And fine theology, too
I would hate the thought of anyone playing me music, as unless I was able to listen to it properly. I hate extraneous background noise, and it would wind me up rather than calm me down. That is, of course, if I could hear it in the first place.
Yesterday was mum's 92nd birthday. The Care Home laid on a dancer and a large birthday cake. I think mum had fun, I certainly did. For some reason mum told everyone she was 74 and the dancer believed her, as she looks nowhere near her age. Maybe I'm entitled to knock twenty years of my age too. Her memory is now very poor. She asked me if I was married and when I said yes and told her who to, she seemed surprised that I was still with him.
I'm back tomorrow to do a session for World Book Day. I'm taking in my copy of Julia Horatia Ewing's The Brownies, as the story was mentioned in another session last week. I think we then might have a go at writing our own moral story.
Happy Birthday, Sarasa's mother. It doesn't seem like two years since you were planning her 90th birthday party.
Dad had a hospital appointment yesterday. Mum was asked not to go with him, as the hospital are restricting the number of unnecessary people milling about as a coronavirus precaution. Dad got on fine, and seems to have quite enjoyed the appointment.
My parents are in their mid 80s. Mum is in good health, but Dad is on a low maintenance dose of chemo, and therefore susceptible to infection.
Both my son and I were planning to visit this week. Neither of us have been in contact with the virus as far as we know, but I've been in two cities this week and travelled between them by train. The Loon has also been travelling about and has clocked up several hundred miles by train and bus.
I'm also living with the NE man who flew home via a 5 hour stop over in Heathrow a week ago.
What is everyone else doing re visiting their APs?
Mr F is also on chemo, but we have not altered our normal life - except I've taken to carrying a packet of wipes for any time I've touched a bus say.
I'm a bit hornswoggled at the moment because of an email charging me with not sending a thank you note for a Christmas card (possibly with check, possibly not) and asking whether I ever received it, while reminding me that we have a long history of not sending thank yous appropriately (or so they say--it's news to me, though I suppose we could have screwed up, got lost in the mail, etc). Given that I was face down in a eye surgery positioning mask and etc. over the Christmas season, I have no.idea.whatsoever. whether we ever got their card. My son can't recall either. The email was vague enough that I don't know whether they have an outstanding uncashed check, or are just angry at no thank you for a card. It does manage to convey quite a bit of anger, which my mother is handing on through my stepfather (and isn't THAT a can of worms, since it appears she is also taking exception to my communicating with him and not with her--though she has bricked her phone and does not respond to texts, nor does she have email. So I'm not sure what she expects me to do here.) Gaaahhhh.
I've got to go lie down.
I may cancel if the situation gets worse as it ma
I expect a really angry one tomorrow in return. If not a phone call.
I have also been accused of reading way too much into their messages (a variety of "you're too sensitive" from my childhood). I have a fucking doctorate in English, and I think I can read what they're saying. Anyone who mutters for half a paragraph about how my son is going to get what's coming to him is NOT in a happy, peaceful, anger-free mood.
I feel like I've fallen through the looking glass.
I'm pretty sure Dad would not survive coronavirus. He's in his eighties and the chemo affects his immune system. The time time he had a cough it lingered for weeks. The chance of me catching coronavirus and passing it on might be slight, but the consequences would be horrendous. Mum is tough, but she's almost 87.
It's not as though, if I came into contact with it, I'd know. In the last week I've been on trains and buses, in the university library, university canteens, all places with a mobile population passing through. Assuming that being on the same bus, or in the same room as, counts as "being in contact with" then I reckon I've "been in contact with" upwards of 400 people in the last week. Plus the NE Man spent 5 hours in Heathrow within the last fortnight.
Mum and Dad don't go out much - Dad has another hospital outpatient appointment today, and Mum goes to the supermarket daily, at quiet times. But they don't go into groups socially, just have visitors round for coffee, and their hygiene is impeccable.
The place wasn't very busy - not sure if that's usual on a Tuesday morning, or that people are avoiding seeing doctors if they can - but I couldn't help wondering if I'd made myself more of a risk* just by being there.
* I wouldn't be a high risk generally: I'm not 60 yet, and don't have asthma or any other chronic conditions, but I'd presumably still be able to carry the virus, and thence transmit it.
This is not encouraging me to visit my parents.
I’d agree it isn’t worth taking the risk. A monthly quiz team I belong to have decided to not meet next month as one of our members has cancer and a very poor immune system.
As for visiting your parents, it’s probably sensible not to, though my husband is off to see his mum this weekend, as he thinks travel restrictions might be in place by the time he has another opportunity.
Our friend cancelled on the basis that we have been in contact with far too many people in the last 14 days for him to feel safe with us.
As we're all well, and we haven't been travelling in the last five days it feels much less likely that we've picked something up, but at the same time we're seeing increasing restrictions put in place.
I know they are being wise keeping visitors away from the elderly residents, but it's so difficult for the people who love them.
I'm not letting my parents leave their home. Surprisingly, they offered no resistance to the idea that I would only take them out to important things like doctor appointments.
Normal precautions, like not visiting if at all unwell, and washing/sanitising hands stringently should limit the risk to their physical health, but their emotional help will suffer especially for the very frail and confused.
I really feel for F's daughter, and all who are desperate to support their APs in those circumstances.
Also my mother: you are 70 and have asthma. Yes you do need to be careful. I think I need to set my brother on her.
Mum's care home have just sent some information about what's happening. Basically relatives can visit if they are well, but everything else is cancelled. The residents with physical difficulties rather than dementia have come up with ideas to keep themselves entertained. including a poker school.
My biggest concern is my brother only has about six months now. What will his condition be two months from now? I don't think he is cognitive enough to appreciate them visiting now, because of dementia; but I am more concerned about how stressful that may for Mom to have a son at the last stages of his life and to have people coming in to visit at the same time.
Thank you all for your prayers, and I am thinking of you and your APs.
Meanwhile we over 70 ies are to practise social distancing, and worse to come, so I don’t know when I will see her. I don’t suppose she understands why.
AP Very frail and mostly sleeping now. All vIsiting stopped, due to C virus. AP Unable to benefit from phone or FaceTime due to dementia .
In the bizarre situation of rearranging the potential funeral arrangements in the light of our current situation........
I am praying for all of you with people to care for, and especially those now cut off from being able to support them in person.