Now my siblings are poised to fight over the best management plan for AP. My default? Groan and hide.
Sounds like what is happening with my husband and his siblings. At least they've managed to keep talking to each other. His mum is still at home with carers coming in three times a day. Last time my husband saw her she was extremely confused and she'd apparently dipped more since then. He and one sister want her to move to care. Other sister and brother think she's best off at home. Covid restrictions means my husband has felt it hasn't been safe to visit his mother since before New Year, but she'd just had her first vaccination so he's hoping to go up in a couple of weeks.
I went to see my mum yesterday. I couldn't understand anything she said due to the awful acoustics in the 'pod' (basically prison visiting like area), but husband and I did silly dances which really made her laugh. One of the best visits I've had with her.
Hope everyone else's aged P's are doing OK, or as OK as they can.
My 85 year old father went into cardiac arrest twice last Wednesday, once in the ambulance and once in the ER. They found he had a 95% and 50% blockage in two arteries. Stents have been inserted and he is recuperating at my sister's place for the next couple of weeks. What brought on these arrests? My father tried to scoop snow off of his deck. After one scoop he developed chess pains that would not go away. He called my sister and then an ambulance. In some ways it was lucky something triggered the attacks. He reports that on the previous week he was experiencing chest pains that took awhile to dissipate. The scooping providing him with a clear cause and effect to know the situation was serious.
I'm so sorry and so glad it got taken care of. Wow.
Had a phone call from my mother again, telling me she has been bleeding all over the place internally and externally (I'll spare you the gruesome details) since December, when she apparently required transfusion, but has been putting off dealing with it, because "I decided I'd just deal with it on my own." Has NOT told the doctors about the genetic condition we have in the family that is very likely extremely relevant to that issue, because "the doctors never believe me"--but told them a load of irrelevant stuff instead. Also told me she has the condition that killed my father suddenly and spectacularly, AND that my niece is certainly going to lose her baby, because of COVID. (spoiler: 30 minutes of googling suggests that what she told me was a load of tosh)
And she wonders why I don't call her all the time.
As I read of your aging Ps, I pray for you and for them.
Soon, I'll be on my way to the facility where my folks live. Mom went to the emergency room Wednesday. Thank goodness the rules have relaxed enough so that I could sit with her. They had done a CT scan to try to find out what was going on with her. I mentioned that a year ago, she had similar symptoms and it was a UTI. They hadn't checked her urine because it appeared clear, but decided to do so after my information. Guess what. She has a UTI.
They probably do 99% of the time and that 1% is enough to drive us all nuts. Yeah, it took about a year for the home to realise that if Mum started vomiting that probably meant she had UTI.
Yep, my mum ended up in hospital with a UTI. The Specialist asked me if it could be the DTs from alcohol abuse. Her best friend - a nurse for many years suggested a urine test as did a cousin who worked at an old people's home. I seriously wondered about the medical competence of the hospital after that.
I understand that UTIs are notoriously prevalent among the elderly, and they don't have the warning pain and burning that we younger *ahem* folk have. Like Jengie Jon says, vomiting is a sign that the urine should be tested!
Mom was still not feeling well yesterday, but today sounded pretty perky! She said she ate a good lunch, too. No memory of what it was, but it was apparently good!
Judy - my cousin who worked at the old people's home said that any of the elderly who showed rapid signs of dementia or unchracteristic behaviour there routinely had a urine test before any other treatment was given.
On the phone to my mother, who was telling me that a relative had phoned her to see how Dad was doing:
Mum "I told him that your Dad is very tired, but that I'm not telling the Quine how tired he is because I don't want to worry her"
Me: But Mum you ARE telling me how tired he is.
Mum: Well, yes.
I remember my aged aunt, quite some time before she developed dementia, being hospitalised critically ill and hallucinating with a suspected severe UTI [she lived alone and thus there was a delay in hospitalisation]. The treating physicians not only attacked the UTI but also removed her from all her medications, and then gradually reintroduced them to ascertain whether any of the interactions between the various prescriptions had aggravated her condition. As a result there were adjustments, and she returned home about a week later, relatively hale and hearty.
That’s what I love about geriatricians; they are the enemies of polypharmacy. Amazing how many oldies are on a bucket of drugs with drug-drug interactions galore.
Like you are all saying; if an oldie is off his/her tree consider the possibility of sepsis ( usually urosepsis but even chest infection)
My AP took one look at their visitor (my sister) today, closed their eyes & stayed that way for the duration. Rousing only to sip at a drink, dab their nose, fix a sharp eye on the offending visitor then close their eyes again.
I really do wonder the purpose of visiting when it is obvious AP is not exactly thrilled by the occasion
That's about right, Sojourner. When my mum was at a stage where we were fairly sure she wasn't aware of very much (which lasted for about 5 years), my dad never stopped his daily visits. He only took breaks for family weddings and a funeral; when we pointed out to him that Mum would want him to go, and wouldn't know that he'd missed a day or two, he just replied, "but I'd know".
That's about right, Sojourner. When my mum was at a stage where we were fairly sure she wasn't aware of very much (which lasted for about 5 years), my dad never stopped his daily visits. He only took breaks for family weddings and a funeral; when we pointed out to him that Mum would want him to go, and wouldn't know that he'd missed a day or two, he just replied, "but I'd know".
That reminds me of something I read years ago that's always stayed with me. A husband was told he really didn't need to visit so often as "She doesn't know you." To which he replied, "But I know her."
These days?
AP is totally disorientated at being bundled into a wheelchair. Cross at being expected to make chit chat with someone they don’t know, because they can’t see. Upset at being asked questions they can’t remember the answers to. Unable to hear the usually normal conversations they would have had with my sister. Confused because they can’t leave this very strange booth that they are placed in.
Then they spend the rest of the day upset, angry with themselves and cross with everyone else.
So the carers all have a terrible day.
EA, I read that some dementia patients do better without visitors, because of the disruption to their routine which upsets them, and this sounds like Supporting Evidence.
Hope your mother's care facility check for UTIs first next time @jedijudy, but glad your parents are being cared for. Every time mum kicked off when she was at home I hoped it was an UTI, but it always turned out to be the way the dementia was frazzling her brain. The fact she looked happy and relaxed when I saw her last week was great. The home sent me some pictures of mum later smiling while knocking back some prosecco, so I'm hoping her dementia moved on and she is now mentally in a more peaceful place.
My husband had a very nice chat with his brother yesterday. Husband always complains that his brother never tells him what's happening with his mum, but I think a lot of that was due to the stress of trying to look after her single-handed and not let on to the others how hard it is. Now carers are coming in, he sounds more relaxed. I still think my mother in law would be better off in a care home, but we'll press for that when the covid crisis has abated a bit. @North East Quine are you able to visit your dad at the moment? Thinking of you and all your family.
We're not allowed to visit at the moment - visits are allowed for "end-of-life" but as Dad isn't on medication yet, and the McMillan nurses are still just giving him a weekly telephone chat to see how he's doing, but not visiting, we don't think he comes into the "end-of life" category. That said, if either Mum or Dad wanted us there, I'd be through like a shot and prepared to argue the point.
As it is, my parents and I are more afraid of me being asymptomatic and giving Dad Covid than we are wanting to visit. Mum had her first jab almost a month ago, but Dad had his less than a fortnight ago, and I'm still weeks away from mine. There were a few cases in my village, all mild, but I knew that the people who had caught it were all very careful, so I was wary. However, I don't know anyone who has it at the moment, and the Aberdeenshire figures are dropping fast, so that's becoming less of a concern.
We speak on the phone twice a day - during the day to talk to Dad, and in the evening, once Dad's in bed, to talk to Mum. Plus I try to post something most days - Dad's collection of postcards of his hometown is growing! They didn't get any mail on Saturday, so should get two today; the weather here has been disrupting the post.
Speaking to Dad is a joy because he's upbeat and cheerful, but Mum is low and anxious. She keeps telling me about some new sign of decline and if I say "should you do X?" she says it isn't that bad. Last week, there was one day in which Dad didn't feel up to having a shower, so he came downstairs for his breakfast in his dressing gown, and then had his shower and got dressed after breakfast. So Mum was upset about that, in the evening phone call, worrying that this was the start of the final decline. But the next day Dad felt better and came down to breakfast showered and dressed. Yesterday, Mum told me Dad had developed a cold sore and she was putting E45 on it. I said I didn't think E45 would do anything, and could she get cold-sore cream? and she said it wasn't actually a cold sore, but a dry patch.
It's hard to assess. Dad's definitely fibbing about how well he is - he's been saying that he hasn't been out for a walk because of the icy pavements, and he's looking forward to the weather improving so he can go out. Realistically, I don't think he can do more than walk round the garden now, and talk of going out for a walk is a fantasy. But it's a fantasy which is keeping him happy.
He's definitely sounding good for a man who was told he probably wouldn't live to see Christmas!
I'm an awe of how well Mum is coping, and I can understand that she needs to offload. She would have a lot more emotional support if we weren't in lockdown - my brother is visiting, but standing in the garden to talk to them through an open door, and standing at an open door in sub-zero temperatures is not ideal, so he's just there for 5 minutes.
I'm organising her Tesco deliveries on-line and it's all fresh ingredients for proper home cooking. I don't know how she does it.
It's almost a year since The Dowager's funeral, and I still find myself worrying about her - though as Master S says, of all the people I could be worrying about, she probably needs it least!
On the sole occasion that she didn't know me, she quite clearly went into 'hostess' mode and asked me a) what I intended to do with my life (!) and b) whether I would tell my mother about what had happened to me that day. Heartbreaking or what? but by the next time, it had completely slipped her mind.
Saw my father for the first time today since his cardiac arrests. He appears to have aged from the experience. My sister and I (upon my father's instruction) are removing much of the clutter from his house so that is more manageable when he moves back in.
It's hard to assess. Dad's definitely fibbing about how well he is - he's been saying that he hasn't been out for a walk because of the icy pavements, and he's looking forward to the weather improving so he can go out. Realistically, I don't think he can do more than walk round the garden now, and talk of going out for a walk is a fantasy. But it's a fantasy which is keeping him happy.
He's definitely sounding good for a man who was told he probably wouldn't live to see Christmas!
A walk around the garden may not be a 5 mile run, but it's still good exercise and is a goal for him to have in mind also. Good on him.
I was with Mom in the emergency room again tonight. That's twice in less than a week.
I think if she would drink more water, like she used to, that would help. It was nice that the doctors said that very thing to Mom. She just can't remember to do it.
It used to be like that with the Dowager, who had to be persuaded to finish her cup of tea, and I never found out why? Even with me sitting there, handing it to her, she'd be reluctant - and it wasn't the quality of the tea either.
DO you think your mom is not drinking because she doesn't want to have to wee @jedijudy ? I know this happened with my mother in law, who didn't want the faff of having to get herself to the loo too many times during the day.
I hope they can sort out whatever the problem is so your mom can start to enjoy living in her new place.
We had that problem with my friend's mother when she found the stairs a bit too much, and suggested that to the doctors, who agreed that avoiding drinking to avoid the loo was a very common problem. I suspect that wanting to avoid the onset of having to use pads might contribute as well.
I totally agree that not wanting to powder her nose constantly might contribute to Mom's not drinking water. She used to have water all day long, especially after working hard in the Florida heat. So, I told Dad part of his job is to help Mom remember to drink more water...and him too!!
Oh, so I went to bed about fifteen minutes after my last post, so about 2:30. Dad called at 5:30. Just to chat. Nothing wrong. It took about an hour to go back to sleep.
Praying for the aging parents mentioned, and for their offspring in their caring, and their despairing.
I am watching my parents age almost visibly, partly because of the lockdowns, but partly simply because they are now in their late 70s and I suppose this is just what happens.
I am also sitting at a distance I need for my own mental health, but which makes it harder to know what is going on. My sister and her family are only a mile from them, and I am being slowly written out of the picture. It's inevitable, and I wouldn't want to live where she does, but it does feel strange, because finally the quiet bits are being spoken out loud, and I am on the edge, almost falling over.
I'm sorry. This is probably my fate (well, if things turn out well--if not, we'll be facing trouble with 1500 miles between us).
I can't figure out how to separate the truth from the--dare I call them lies? I was told by my AP last week that she had the same highly dangerous condition my father died of, and could exsanguinate at any moment. Also that my nephew's baby would be born dead. The second is almost certainly untrue, and I have no way of checking on the first.
No, she's living at home with my stepfather, who flatly refuses to be involved in any way, even to explain what the hell is going on. I rather suspect he's chickening out. And she has been like this, in some sense, for 30 years. At least, she told me my grandparents were "not going to be around much longer" roughly 30 years before they died, in their 90s--every year she told me this, till I became numb to it--so maybe it's just more noticeable now. Plus of course I cannot do what I did with my grandparents, which was to phone them up and form an independent impression of what their state was.
I do wish my sister were still alive. I depended on her to help me balance out these reports.
Phoned my mother this evening to give her her daily chance to offload. As per usual she told me that Dad is far more ill than he sounds. Then she added that Dad is so ill that the nurse suggested we visit.
So I asked, when did the nurse say that? And mum said she'd said it on Tuesday morning. I spoke to Mum three times on Tues after the nurse's visit, twice yesterday and this was my second call today, and it was the first time Mum had said that the nurse had given permission for us to break lockdown and visit!
So I asked more - did she say an indoor visit, or us standing outside, speaking through the window? And Mum didn't know. Moreover, she said that the nurse had said "your daughter can visit" so Mum wasn't sure if it was just me, or my husband and son as well.
I'm up to high doh, not sure if I really can see my parents on Saturday, or if this is one of Mum's little embellishments to add drama to the situation.
I'm going to phone the nurse tomorrow to clarify. I really, really, really hope that it's true and we can break lockdown and drive through. I just don't understand why Mum didn't tell me straight away - I could have been there today!
Oh how annoying @North East Quine . I hope you get some clarity from the nurse today and get to visit your father tomorrow. @Lamb Chopped , is there anyone else, other than your stepfather, who could give you the low down on how your mother really is? A friend, another relative? My mother was always looking at the worst of any situation, so I hated telling her about things. I'd tell her about our holidays and she'd say 'but did you really enjoy it?' Again the fact that going and visiting is pretty impossible in the current situation makes things so much worse.
Comments
It really means a lot to me to know you all are in my corner!
Sounds like what is happening with my husband and his siblings. At least they've managed to keep talking to each other. His mum is still at home with carers coming in three times a day. Last time my husband saw her she was extremely confused and she'd apparently dipped more since then. He and one sister want her to move to care. Other sister and brother think she's best off at home. Covid restrictions means my husband has felt it hasn't been safe to visit his mother since before New Year, but she'd just had her first vaccination so he's hoping to go up in a couple of weeks.
I went to see my mum yesterday. I couldn't understand anything she said due to the awful acoustics in the 'pod' (basically prison visiting like area), but husband and I did silly dances which really made her laugh. One of the best visits I've had with her.
Hope everyone else's aged P's are doing OK, or as OK as they can.
Had a phone call from my mother again, telling me she has been bleeding all over the place internally and externally (I'll spare you the gruesome details) since December, when she apparently required transfusion, but has been putting off dealing with it, because "I decided I'd just deal with it on my own." Has NOT told the doctors about the genetic condition we have in the family that is very likely extremely relevant to that issue, because "the doctors never believe me"--but told them a load of irrelevant stuff instead. Also told me she has the condition that killed my father suddenly and spectacularly, AND that my niece is certainly going to lose her baby, because of COVID. (spoiler: 30 minutes of googling suggests that what she told me was a load of tosh)
And she wonders why I don't call her all the time.
Soon, I'll be on my way to the facility where my folks live. Mom went to the emergency room Wednesday. Thank goodness the rules have relaxed enough so that I could sit with her. They had done a CT scan to try to find out what was going on with her. I mentioned that a year ago, she had similar symptoms and it was a UTI. They hadn't checked her urine because it appeared clear, but decided to do so after my information. Guess what. She has a UTI.
Usually has impeccable manners
*He died recently and I read his obituary, but I don't recall his name.
Mom was still not feeling well yesterday, but today sounded pretty perky! She said she ate a good lunch, too. No memory of what it was, but it was apparently good!
JJ so glad to hear your Mom is feeling happy.
Mum "I told him that your Dad is very tired, but that I'm not telling the Quine how tired he is because I don't want to worry her"
Me: But Mum you ARE telling me how tired he is.
Mum: Well, yes.
Like you are all saying; if an oldie is off his/her tree consider the possibility of sepsis ( usually urosepsis but even chest infection)
I really do wonder the purpose of visiting when it is obvious AP is not exactly thrilled by the occasion
These days?
AP is totally disorientated at being bundled into a wheelchair. Cross at being expected to make chit chat with someone they don’t know, because they can’t see. Upset at being asked questions they can’t remember the answers to. Unable to hear the usually normal conversations they would have had with my sister. Confused because they can’t leave this very strange booth that they are placed in.
Then they spend the rest of the day upset, angry with themselves and cross with everyone else.
So the carers all have a terrible day.
Sorry
Maybe this ought to be in a Covid thread
My husband had a very nice chat with his brother yesterday. Husband always complains that his brother never tells him what's happening with his mum, but I think a lot of that was due to the stress of trying to look after her single-handed and not let on to the others how hard it is. Now carers are coming in, he sounds more relaxed. I still think my mother in law would be better off in a care home, but we'll press for that when the covid crisis has abated a bit.
@North East Quine are you able to visit your dad at the moment? Thinking of you and all your family.
As it is, my parents and I are more afraid of me being asymptomatic and giving Dad Covid than we are wanting to visit. Mum had her first jab almost a month ago, but Dad had his less than a fortnight ago, and I'm still weeks away from mine. There were a few cases in my village, all mild, but I knew that the people who had caught it were all very careful, so I was wary. However, I don't know anyone who has it at the moment, and the Aberdeenshire figures are dropping fast, so that's becoming less of a concern.
We speak on the phone twice a day - during the day to talk to Dad, and in the evening, once Dad's in bed, to talk to Mum. Plus I try to post something most days - Dad's collection of postcards of his hometown is growing! They didn't get any mail on Saturday, so should get two today; the weather here has been disrupting the post.
Speaking to Dad is a joy because he's upbeat and cheerful, but Mum is low and anxious. She keeps telling me about some new sign of decline and if I say "should you do X?" she says it isn't that bad. Last week, there was one day in which Dad didn't feel up to having a shower, so he came downstairs for his breakfast in his dressing gown, and then had his shower and got dressed after breakfast. So Mum was upset about that, in the evening phone call, worrying that this was the start of the final decline. But the next day Dad felt better and came down to breakfast showered and dressed. Yesterday, Mum told me Dad had developed a cold sore and she was putting E45 on it. I said I didn't think E45 would do anything, and could she get cold-sore cream? and she said it wasn't actually a cold sore, but a dry patch.
It's hard to assess. Dad's definitely fibbing about how well he is - he's been saying that he hasn't been out for a walk because of the icy pavements, and he's looking forward to the weather improving so he can go out. Realistically, I don't think he can do more than walk round the garden now, and talk of going out for a walk is a fantasy. But it's a fantasy which is keeping him happy.
He's definitely sounding good for a man who was told he probably wouldn't live to see Christmas!
I'm organising her Tesco deliveries on-line and it's all fresh ingredients for proper home cooking. I don't know how she does it.
NEQ, still in her dressing gown at noon.
On the sole occasion that she didn't know me, she quite clearly went into 'hostess' mode and asked me a) what I intended to do with my life (!) and b) whether I would tell my mother about what had happened to me that day. Heartbreaking or what? but by the next time, it had completely slipped her mind.
((())) to all of you with APs still on the planet, esp. @Sarasa @jedijudy @Ethne Alba and @North East Quine
A walk around the garden may not be a 5 mile run, but it's still good exercise and is a goal for him to have in mind also. Good on him.
I think if she would drink more water, like she used to, that would help. It was nice that the doctors said that very thing to Mom. She just can't remember to do it.
It used to be like that with the Dowager, who had to be persuaded to finish her cup of tea, and I never found out why? Even with me sitting there, handing it to her, she'd be reluctant - and it wasn't the quality of the tea either.
((JJ))
I hope they can sort out whatever the problem is so your mom can start to enjoy living in her new place.
Oh, so I went to bed about fifteen minutes after my last post, so about 2:30. Dad called at 5:30. Just to chat. Nothing wrong. It took about an hour to go back to sleep.
Parents.
I am watching my parents age almost visibly, partly because of the lockdowns, but partly simply because they are now in their late 70s and I suppose this is just what happens.
I am also sitting at a distance I need for my own mental health, but which makes it harder to know what is going on. My sister and her family are only a mile from them, and I am being slowly written out of the picture. It's inevitable, and I wouldn't want to live where she does, but it does feel strange, because finally the quiet bits are being spoken out loud, and I am on the edge, almost falling over.
I can't figure out how to separate the truth from the--dare I call them lies? I was told by my AP last week that she had the same highly dangerous condition my father died of, and could exsanguinate at any moment. Also that my nephew's baby would be born dead. The second is almost certainly untrue, and I have no way of checking on the first.
This is driving me insane.
No part of this is easy, whether we are near, or far away.
I do wish my sister were still alive. I depended on her to help me balance out these reports.
Phoned my mother this evening to give her her daily chance to offload. As per usual she told me that Dad is far more ill than he sounds. Then she added that Dad is so ill that the nurse suggested we visit.
So I asked, when did the nurse say that? And mum said she'd said it on Tuesday morning. I spoke to Mum three times on Tues after the nurse's visit, twice yesterday and this was my second call today, and it was the first time Mum had said that the nurse had given permission for us to break lockdown and visit!
So I asked more - did she say an indoor visit, or us standing outside, speaking through the window? And Mum didn't know. Moreover, she said that the nurse had said "your daughter can visit" so Mum wasn't sure if it was just me, or my husband and son as well.
I'm up to high doh, not sure if I really can see my parents on Saturday, or if this is one of Mum's little embellishments to add drama to the situation.
I'm going to phone the nurse tomorrow to clarify. I really, really, really hope that it's true and we can break lockdown and drive through. I just don't understand why Mum didn't tell me straight away - I could have been there today!
@Lamb Chopped , is there anyone else, other than your stepfather, who could give you the low down on how your mother really is? A friend, another relative? My mother was always looking at the worst of any situation, so I hated telling her about things. I'd tell her about our holidays and she'd say 'but did you really enjoy it?' Again the fact that going and visiting is pretty impossible in the current situation makes things so much worse.