@Tree Bee I do hope you sort things out with your mother. @jedijudy , the American system is different to the UK, but is the memory care facility on the same complex as where your parents are now and could your dad still visit your mum.
Both my mother and mother in law seem to be fading away. My mum rarely gets out of bed now, and MiL seems to have declined further. Her care home thought she might have Covid, but the test came back negative. In one way that is good, but in another it means the decline is probably due to another mini-stroke which isn't so good.
got laryngitis, which lets me off calling my mother, but must reply to a very long text/email from my stepdad full of concerning news. Though mom apparently did NOT check out against medical advice as she said she would do, so that was another "let's create drama" thingy.
(((Tree Bee))) I hope the visit with your mom goes very well, and you find reconciliation!
Oh, Lamb Chopped. It just never stops, does it?
Sarasa, there is a memory care unit in the facility where my APs live, but I wouldn't send a dog to live there. Fortunately, I got some excellent advice from the nurse practitioner who did a follow-up on Mom yesterday. Mom has failed dramatically since her Covid and long hospital stay. She will have to go to memory care, but there are facilities in this area where they cater to circumstances like Mom and Dad are in right now. So, we will be doing research again (with good suggestions from the nurse yesterday) to move them both into a place where they can both receive the different styles of care that they need.
Not looking forward to the process, but feeling less lost at sea with the helpful suggestions.
That's good @jedijudy . In the UK care homes vary greatly too. I hope you find somewhere that will cater for both their needs.
I've just seen a photo of my MIL. Last week my brother in law took her out in the garden and she looked great in the photos, much as she's done for the last five years or so. This week's photo, also out in the garden, she looks really drained and in pain, though apparently she was very happy to be outside again.
Hello all! I'm a very occasional contributor to this thread but I do read it and pray through.
Quick update on my situation. Hugal and I moved to Wales in January 2020 to be near my parents (literally 2 minutes' walk). Mum is now confined to a hospital bed at home, with carers coming in 4 times a day. Her dementia is fairly static and her physical needs (which are many) are being taken care of.
Dad is the bigger worry. He is now 90 years old, and life as a retired vicar didn't prepare him for cooking, cleaning, laundry and all the myriad duties of caring for Mum. He also has asthma and various other health issues. We are doing all we can in terms of shopping, helping, advising etc and he does have help from local businesses with cleaning, gardening, ironing etc (so many small businesses started during lockdown which are a godsend!)
A friend has suggested he gets one of those alarms that you wear round your neck or put in your pocket, in case he has a fall or any similar issue. I only have the vaguest notion of where to get them and how they work. If anyone has any specific brands or systems they can recommend (which are available in the UK) I would love to hear more.
In my parents neck of the woods you can ring up social service to organise for one to be ordered - different part of the country though so it may or may not be an option for you. I believe that Age Concern may also do them - there’s usually a set up cost and a monthly payment.
My late father had one, which gave rise to a (perfectly true) family legend. Dad had had a few over the eight at a family wedding in Edinburgh, and my brother and brother-in-law conveyed him safely to his hotel room. They asked him if he was going to be all right, and he said, "oh yes, I'll be fine - my buzzer's on the dining table", forgetting that the dining table and the buzzer were 300 miles away in Orkney.
I had always assumed that he'd got it via his GP, but I may be wrong.
[Experience in England; long post, sorry]
For various reasons we purchased a service from a commercial provider but it was clear that Social Services would come and do an assessment and provide what they felt was needed.
The options were a traditional button to press (worn round the wrist or as a pendant)) or one which included a falls monitor - if the device decided the wearer had fallen it would call for help without the button being pressed.
One gets the monitor and a unit which plugs into the telephone socket. If the alarm is activated, the control centre will talk to the user through the box. If the control centre gets no response it will call the user’s emergency contacts.
I understand that mobile versions are also available which work outside the home.
You can find commercial prices on all the company websites.
However, the digital telephone switchover is having an impact so I suggest you read up on that first (search engines will find a host of articles but https://careline-cs.org.uk/digital-shift/ is one example).
Also - Social Services in my area gave me a
free carer’s card so that if anything happened to me, the emergency services would find it and call Social Services who had a list of the caree’s needs and contact details for other family members - all held securely. I found that incredibly reassuring.
Landlubber has said just about all you need to know. There are a few things I’d add.
Telecare, the system organised via our local council, has the option of a warden visit - if the alarm goes and they can’t get a response or the person says they’ve fallen, a warden will drive round and see if it’s possible to help them up safely (using an inflatable lifting cushion); if it isn’t possible, or if they think the person needs it, they’ll call an ambulance. Obviously the warden needs some means of entering the house, so you would also need to get a keysafe if you don’t already have one, and give its number to Telecare.
A lot of people take their device off while in bed or having a shower or bath - which is not a good idea, as they’re probably unsteady getting in and out. The ones supplied via our local council are waterproof.
I’ve worked in adult health and social care in my local council for over 20 years, so am happy to answer queries. At least on here I can answer them when I’m free (yesterday morning someone came over to ask my advice about Parkinson’s and falls just after I sat down at the organ, so the congregation didn’t get to listen to Bach before the start of the service).
Thanks for all the advice. I'm going to phone our social services lady and have a chat with her. Our council use Telecare and also offer TeleV and Telev+ apparently. I've had a quick look but find the info rather confusing, so will have a chat with her.
We already have a keysafe as the carers are in 4 times a day. I live 2 minutes away and have a key.
I gather one issue with wearing the alarm in bed is turning over in your sleep and setting it off! But the alternative might mean forgetting to put it on if he got up in the night (let's be real here, 'when' not 'if'!)
Another problem is forgetting to press it when help is needed or not pressing it because they don't want to be a bother. However I do think they are a good idea, and the one my mother in law had did help on several occasions. My mum refused to wear one because according to her she was perfectly fine and not an old lady.
I popped in to see my mum today. As per usual she was asleep, and looking so frail and old.
My mother in law was taken to hospital yesterday from her care home as the GP was concerned about her. The family had made it clear they only wanted her taken to hospital in an emergency and the GP considered it was one. My husband went and spent a couple of hours with her but as there wasn't anything he could do other than keep on reiterating she has advanced dementia and can't make any decisions he came home.
Today the geriatric specialist looked at her said she was too frail for any tests and was refusing to have a blood test so sent her back to the care home. Hopefully this is the last time this happens. The family thought they'd made it clear last time that they don't want her going to hospital unless it is something such as a broken hip.
A
I'm so sorry, Sarasa. It can be so frustrating when those People in Charge don't understand and don't seem to listen.
I'm looking for a new place for my parents. In spite of the problems at the assisted living where they are now, they have been mostly happy until recently. Mom has really accelerated in her dementia, and Dad has been worried, and depressed and so tired from having to watch her so she doesn't go wandering. She managed to get from their third floor apartment to the ground floor recently. I refuse to put her in the memory care unit at the facility where they are. It's horrid.
Daughter-Unit and I are looking at two more places, tomorrow and next Tuesday, but we are very pleased with the place we visited two days ago. Dad is not happy at all about them having two separate rooms, but he'll be escorted to the memory unit to be with Mom any time he likes. And, hopefully, he'll be able to rest knowing that Mom is in a secure area where she can wander and be safe.
If I already told y'all this, I apologize. I'm so tired.
@jedijudy, moving your parents sounds sensible and I'm glad you've found somewhere that will suit them. It does sound like you've got to the stage where your mum needs more help than their current place can provide. The worry over aging parents is really no fun.
Jedi Judy, I'm so glad you have Daughter-Unit to accompany you on visits and to discuss which might be the best option for your parents. It is a tiring process and I do hope it can be sorted soon and that your parents will be happy with their new arrangements. I am sure there will be some hiccups, but I'm hoping for nothing too drastic, so that your Dad can get the rest he needs as well as spending good time with your Mum.
Thank you all!
It really helps to share all this **stuff** with you all. It's almost like you're sitting with me while I think through things!
D-U and I went to one of the other places today. So many things were a NO written in large, friendly letters. It took over an hour to get there from my house. No. The way from the parking lot to the front door was not safe. No. The place smelled bad. There were nice things, though. The outdoor area was very nice with colorful plants and flowers and a big gazebo with a ceiling fan. Nice! Even though it's less expensive than the other place that we like very much, the No-ness of it was insurmountable.
We will still see the third place Tuesday, but it's in close proximity to the place today. Starting off with a NO.
Knowing that, I put a deposit down on the nice place. Good thing, too. Other people were looking at it this morning.
Potentially yes, in the sense that long term changes secondary to kidney failure can cause people to be more disinhibited and tactless. (It doesn’t happen to everyone with condition though,)
My mother in law was taken to hospital yesterday from her care home as the GP was concerned about her. The family had made it clear they only wanted her taken to hospital in an emergency and the GP considered it was one. My husband went and spent a couple of hours with her but as there wasn't anything he could do other than keep on reiterating she has advanced dementia and can't make any decisions he came home.
Today the geriatric specialist looked at her said she was too frail for any tests and was refusing to have a blood test so sent her back to the care home. Hopefully this is the last time this happens. The family thought they'd made it clear last time that they don't want her going to hospital unless it is something such as a broken hip.
A
Right, I am going to be stroppy but if she is that far gone you do not even want it for a broken hip. Seriously, unless someone basically has sixteen hours a day therapy to get them walking they will not walk again with last stages dementia. Our hands were forced by the hospital to let my mother have a hip replacement*. All it gave my Mum was several weeks of being confused and out of familiar surroundings with strangers around her.
*Long story which I won't go into but let me just say Mum did not go into hospital for a broken hip.
I can see why hospitals would want to sort out broken hips if it is causing pain @Jengie Jon , but agree it wouldn't get someone walking again. I think the hospital, care home and family are now all finally on the same page as to what happens with MiL. We'll just have to wait till the next tie they get concerned about her.
These events are similar to what could have happened in my mother's last days. She had a severe stroke. My younger who was the primary contact was away out of cellular contact, so I was called to the nursing home over a two-hour drive away. The staff insisted on calling the ambulance to try and transfer Mum to hospital. The ambulance crew when they came advised that if Mum had another episode in transit they were obliged to attempt resuscitation which had almost nil chance of success. The staff were finally convinced that Mum should be made comfortable and allow events to take their course. She died peacefully three days later, with the family having said their goodbyes.
Fixing a broken hip isn’t necessarily done with the intention of getting someone walking. It may just mean that care staff can hoist them onto a commode, or even roll them on a bed to change a pad, without causing them severe pain.
Getting a bit worried about an aging aunt. Mum noticed on a recent visit that she was slightly less with it than she had been, as have her offspring (some of my cousins). That part of the family are working out next steps. In the meantime, aunt & uncle have gone on holiday and now the mobile isn't being answered Hopefully she's either misplaced it or the battery's flat. Nothing I can do but wait to hear from others, since I don't actually have the mobile number...
Celtic Knotweed I hope your Aunt has just misplaced her phone.
As someone who has a talent for losing things and lives alone I have a pay as you go spare phone so I can ring my usual phone when I've misplaced it. Once I got a surprise when someone answered it. I'd actually left it behind somewhere, rather than it being in another room as ir usually is.
Fixing a broken hip isn’t necessarily done with the intention of getting someone walking. It may just mean that care staff can hoist them onto a commode, or even roll them on a bed to change a pad, without causing them severe pain.
Unfortunately in this case it was. The precise question that was asked of us whether she was mobile before she came to hospital. That was then used to get us to agree. My sister answered the truth "yes". I suspect she wished she had not.
Had a text from Mum and it sounds as though normal service has been resumed, with message that needed to be passed on having been got to her. Parents will drop in to see her tomorrow on their way back from the family event the message was about. It's tricky sorting things out when people living 200 miles apart both might want to get to something at the other end of the UK! @Huia , yes most likely is either that she misplaced the phone (or forgot to pack it!), or else she misplaced/forgot the charger and then the battery died. She's not usually as bad as some of the family for losing stuff, thankfully! I spent chunks of yesterday realising what essential kit I'd left at home, plus nearly leaving my sunhat in the belltower.
Mr F's near-aunt (her father and his grandfather were brothers) in Canada is 102. She's been saying for a while her feeling on waking is disappointment. Now she's suffered a fall and a fracture. She's in hospital and in pain, which can only diminish her appetite for living even further.
I'm whittling down the list of things I have to accomplish before moving my APs.
Mom is sleeping a lot. Daughter-Unit, Dear Son-in-Law and I were there together with Mom and Dad today. (It was a total coincidence!) Mom was so pleased to have us with her, but slept almost the whole time.
Part of me wonders if she'll still be around to move into the new place.
When is the move happening @jedijudy , and is it to the place you liked best?
As I've said elsewhere my dear mother in law died today. She'd been in her care home for almost a year and over the last few weeks had gone downhill from an already advanced stage of dementia. Although it isn't a surprise it was a bit of a shock as I thought she was going to carry on in sort of half-life for quite a while longer. Certainly my mother who is at a similar stage and who doesn't really get out of bed any more and sleeps a lot seems pretty fit and healthy and the home don't think she is anywhere near end of life yet.
Oh dear, Sarasa. I'm so very sorry that your mom-in-law has died.
My APs are to move two weeks from today, as long as the movers are available!
I think Dad has finally accepted that he'll be able to rest better not having to worry about Mom wandering. Today we were talking about it, and I told him that is one of my big worries, too. In their present place, if she escapes to the bottom floor again, there's nothing to stop her from going out of the building and into traffic.
It's going to be a busy couple of weeks packing things and deciding which things go, and which things can be recycled/dumped.
Comments
@jedijudy , the American system is different to the UK, but is the memory care facility on the same complex as where your parents are now and could your dad still visit your mum.
Both my mother and mother in law seem to be fading away. My mum rarely gets out of bed now, and MiL seems to have declined further. Her care home thought she might have Covid, but the test came back negative. In one way that is good, but in another it means the decline is probably due to another mini-stroke which isn't so good.
Oh, Lamb Chopped. It just never stops, does it?
Sarasa, there is a memory care unit in the facility where my APs live, but I wouldn't send a dog to live there. Fortunately, I got some excellent advice from the nurse practitioner who did a follow-up on Mom yesterday. Mom has failed dramatically since her Covid and long hospital stay. She will have to go to memory care, but there are facilities in this area where they cater to circumstances like Mom and Dad are in right now. So, we will be doing research again (with good suggestions from the nurse yesterday) to move them both into a place where they can both receive the different styles of care that they need.
Not looking forward to the process, but feeling less lost at sea with the helpful suggestions.
I've just seen a photo of my MIL. Last week my brother in law took her out in the garden and she looked great in the photos, much as she's done for the last five years or so. This week's photo, also out in the garden, she looks really drained and in pain, though apparently she was very happy to be outside again.
Quick update on my situation. Hugal and I moved to Wales in January 2020 to be near my parents (literally 2 minutes' walk). Mum is now confined to a hospital bed at home, with carers coming in 4 times a day. Her dementia is fairly static and her physical needs (which are many) are being taken care of.
Dad is the bigger worry. He is now 90 years old, and life as a retired vicar didn't prepare him for cooking, cleaning, laundry and all the myriad duties of caring for Mum. He also has asthma and various other health issues. We are doing all we can in terms of shopping, helping, advising etc and he does have help from local businesses with cleaning, gardening, ironing etc (so many small businesses started during lockdown which are a godsend!)
A friend has suggested he gets one of those alarms that you wear round your neck or put in your pocket, in case he has a fall or any similar issue. I only have the vaguest notion of where to get them and how they work. If anyone has any specific brands or systems they can recommend (which are available in the UK) I would love to hear more.
I had always assumed that he'd got it via his GP, but I may be wrong.
For various reasons we purchased a service from a commercial provider but it was clear that Social Services would come and do an assessment and provide what they felt was needed.
The options were a traditional button to press (worn round the wrist or as a pendant)) or one which included a falls monitor - if the device decided the wearer had fallen it would call for help without the button being pressed.
One gets the monitor and a unit which plugs into the telephone socket. If the alarm is activated, the control centre will talk to the user through the box. If the control centre gets no response it will call the user’s emergency contacts.
I understand that mobile versions are also available which work outside the home.
You can find commercial prices on all the company websites.
However, the digital telephone switchover is having an impact so I suggest you read up on that first (search engines will find a host of articles but https://careline-cs.org.uk/digital-shift/ is one example).
Also - Social Services in my area gave me a
free carer’s card so that if anything happened to me, the emergency services would find it and call Social Services who had a list of the caree’s needs and contact details for other family members - all held securely. I found that incredibly reassuring.
Happy to discuss if you pm me.
Telecare, the system organised via our local council, has the option of a warden visit - if the alarm goes and they can’t get a response or the person says they’ve fallen, a warden will drive round and see if it’s possible to help them up safely (using an inflatable lifting cushion); if it isn’t possible, or if they think the person needs it, they’ll call an ambulance. Obviously the warden needs some means of entering the house, so you would also need to get a keysafe if you don’t already have one, and give its number to Telecare.
A lot of people take their device off while in bed or having a shower or bath - which is not a good idea, as they’re probably unsteady getting in and out. The ones supplied via our local council are waterproof.
I’ve worked in adult health and social care in my local council for over 20 years, so am happy to answer queries. At least on here I can answer them when I’m free (yesterday morning someone came over to ask my advice about Parkinson’s and falls just after I sat down at the organ, so the congregation didn’t get to listen to Bach before the start of the service).
We already have a keysafe as the carers are in 4 times a day. I live 2 minutes away and have a key.
I gather one issue with wearing the alarm in bed is turning over in your sleep and setting it off! But the alternative might mean forgetting to put it on if he got up in the night (let's be real here, 'when' not 'if'!)
I popped in to see my mum today. As per usual she was asleep, and looking so frail and old.
Today the geriatric specialist looked at her said she was too frail for any tests and was refusing to have a blood test so sent her back to the care home. Hopefully this is the last time this happens. The family thought they'd made it clear last time that they don't want her going to hospital unless it is something such as a broken hip.
A
I'm looking for a new place for my parents. In spite of the problems at the assisted living where they are now, they have been mostly happy until recently. Mom has really accelerated in her dementia, and Dad has been worried, and depressed and so tired from having to watch her so she doesn't go wandering. She managed to get from their third floor apartment to the ground floor recently. I refuse to put her in the memory care unit at the facility where they are. It's horrid.
Daughter-Unit and I are looking at two more places, tomorrow and next Tuesday, but we are very pleased with the place we visited two days ago. Dad is not happy at all about them having two separate rooms, but he'll be escorted to the memory unit to be with Mom any time he likes. And, hopefully, he'll be able to rest knowing that Mom is in a secure area where she can wander and be safe.
If I already told y'all this, I apologize. I'm so tired.
There's no need to apologise, and not surprising that you're worn out by it all. Prayers for you and all your family.
It really helps to share all this **stuff** with you all. It's almost like you're sitting with me while I think through things!
D-U and I went to one of the other places today. So many things were a NO written in large, friendly letters. It took over an hour to get there from my house. No. The way from the parking lot to the front door was not safe. No. The place smelled bad. There were nice things, though. The outdoor area was very nice with colorful plants and flowers and a big gazebo with a ceiling fan. Nice! Even though it's less expensive than the other place that we like very much, the No-ness of it was insurmountable.
We will still see the third place Tuesday, but it's in close proximity to the place today. Starting off with a NO.
Knowing that, I put a deposit down on the nice place. Good thing, too. Other people were looking at it this morning.
Fingers crossed!
Right, I am going to be stroppy but if she is that far gone you do not even want it for a broken hip. Seriously, unless someone basically has sixteen hours a day therapy to get them walking they will not walk again with last stages dementia. Our hands were forced by the hospital to let my mother have a hip replacement*. All it gave my Mum was several weeks of being confused and out of familiar surroundings with strangers around her.
*Long story which I won't go into but let me just say Mum did not go into hospital for a broken hip.
As someone who has a talent for losing things and lives alone I have a pay as you go spare phone so I can ring my usual phone when I've misplaced it. Once I got a surprise when someone answered it. I'd actually left it behind somewhere, rather than it being in another room as ir usually is.
Unfortunately in this case it was. The precise question that was asked of us whether she was mobile before she came to hospital. That was then used to get us to agree. My sister answered the truth "yes". I suspect she wished she had not.
@Huia , yes most likely is either that she misplaced the phone (or forgot to pack it!), or else she misplaced/forgot the charger and then the battery died. She's not usually as bad as some of the family for losing stuff, thankfully! I spent chunks of yesterday realising what essential kit I'd left at home, plus nearly leaving my sunhat in the belltower.
Mom is sleeping a lot. Daughter-Unit, Dear Son-in-Law and I were there together with Mom and Dad today. (It was a total coincidence!) Mom was so pleased to have us with her, but slept almost the whole time.
Part of me wonders if she'll still be around to move into the new place.
As I've said elsewhere my dear mother in law died today. She'd been in her care home for almost a year and over the last few weeks had gone downhill from an already advanced stage of dementia. Although it isn't a surprise it was a bit of a shock as I thought she was going to carry on in sort of half-life for quite a while longer. Certainly my mother who is at a similar stage and who doesn't really get out of bed any more and sleeps a lot seems pretty fit and healthy and the home don't think she is anywhere near end of life yet.
My APs are to move two weeks from today, as long as the movers are available!
I think Dad has finally accepted that he'll be able to rest better not having to worry about Mom wandering. Today we were talking about it, and I told him that is one of my big worries, too. In their present place, if she escapes to the bottom floor again, there's nothing to stop her from going out of the building and into traffic.
It's going to be a busy couple of weeks packing things and deciding which things go, and which things can be recycled/dumped.
In some ways I am grateful that Mum is confined to a hospital bed (at home) so can’t wander.