A professor asked his students to sign a statement that they had not received any outside assistance on the exam.
One anxious student said, "I prayed to God for help. Does that count?"
The professor glanced at the completed exam and replied, "Go ahead and sign. God did not assist you."
I don't know where this came from, but found it lurking in a dark corner of the computer. It must be quite old:
MEP Glenys Kinnock, wife of former Labour
leader Neil, was telling friends that she flew back to
Cardiff from Brussels recently when, on chatting to
the stewardess, she discovered that the two cabin
crew, the second pilot, and the captain were all
female. It was the first time she had been aboard
with an all female crew, and thought it an excellent
advance. So she asked the stewardess if she could
go forward to the cockpit to talk to the crew. "Oh no,
Mrs Kinnock," said the stewardess, "We don't call it
that any more."
A man had been selected to receive the first brain transplant.
He was waiting in pre-op when the surgeon came to him.
"Sir, you get to select the type of brain, we will be transplanting in you."
The man thought that was a good plan. He asked what his options were.
The surgeon replied, "The first brain is from an engineer. It will cost $100 an ounce.
The second brain is from an astrophysicist. It will cost $200 an ounce.
The third brain is from a politician. It will cost $1000 an ounce."
"Wait a minute," said the man, asking, "Why does the brain of a politician cost a $1000 an ounce?"
"Well," said the surgeon, "Engineers and astrophysicists are quite common, but do you know how many politicians we had to go through just to find an ounce?"
Jerry goes into Macy's, into the Feminine Department.
He tells the salesclerk, "My wife says she needs to by a Southern Baptist bra."
The clerk is a little confused. She asks him to repeat the request."
Jerry says, "My wife is a 34B. She says she needs a Southern Baptist bra."
The clerk says, "Now I understand. We don't get many requests for them anymore. We usually get requests for the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra."
Jerry asks, "What is the difference?"
The clerk replies. "The Catholic bra supports the masses. The Salvation Army bra lifts the fallen. The Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright."
Jerry says, "I am probably going to regret this, but what does the Southern Baptist bra do."
The clerk answers, "The Southern Babtist bra makes mountains out of molehills."
Happened today. My wife told our lunch host that we had to leave soon because I had a date with an X-ray technician. Without hesitation he said, "She'll see right through him!"
A sexy drunk blonde entered the casino.
She went to the roulette table
She laid down 20,000 Euro
She told the dealer,
I feel lucky today,
She placed all her money on a number on the table
and removed all her clothes.
The wheel was spun.
She exclaimed, "I won! I won!"
She picked up her winnings and her clothes
and walked away.
The dealer looked at the assistant and asked
"What was the winning number?"
Moral of the story;
Not all drunks are drunks,
Not all blondes are dumb,
but men are aways men.
The teacher assigned her fifth graders to ask a parent to tell them a story with a moral. The next day, the kids shared the usual “spilled milk” and “pennies saved” tales until only Janie was left.
“Janie, do you have a story?” the teacher asked.
“Yes, Ma’am. My daddy told me about Aunty Suzy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm. Her plane got hit, and she bailed out over enemy territory with only a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break.
Her parachute landed her in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them, then killed four more with the knife before the blade broke, and finished the last one with her bare hands.”
The teacher gasped, “Good heavens! What’s the moral?”
Janie grinned.
“Stay away from my Aunty Suzy when she’s drunk.
A businessman got on an elevator
and was greeted by a blonde
who said, "T-G-I-F."
The man replied, "S-H-I-T."
Nonplused, the woman tried to keep it friendly
She smiled broadly, and repeated. "T-G-I-F."
The man also smiled broadly and repeated. "S-H-I-T"
The blonde was getting a little ticked,
She looked at the man saying,
"Don't you know T-G-I-F means
Thank God It's Friday?" Duh.
The man answered
"Don't you know, S-H-I-T means
Sadly, However, It's Thursday."
Ole Bubba had just tied his boat at the dock.
He had a cooler full of fish.
A game warden appeared.
He asked Bubba for his fishing license.
Bubba said, "Do n't need no fishing license.
These are my pet fish."
Game warden asked, "Whaddya, mean, 'Pet fish?
Bubba replied, "Yep, every evenin, I come down to this lake and release my fish, so's they can swim around, and stretch their fins a bit. Then I whistle and they all come back into my cooler."
Game warden does not believe this, so he challenges Bubba. "Show me."
Bubba takes the cooler out.
He dumps the fish into the lake,
and they disappear.
After a while, the Grame Warden says, "Aren't you call them fish back in?"
Bubba looks around, and asks,
"What fish?"
Given the news in the last couple of weeks, with yet another American-instigated war in the Middle East, could it be described as: A piece of west failure
A man enters a rooftop bar. He sits next to a guy.
"What are you drinking?" the man asks.
"Magic beer," says the guy.
"What do you mean?" asks the man.
The guy takes a swig of beer and jumps off the roof, flys around the building and lands back on the seat next to the man, smiling triumphantly.
The man exclaims, "That's amazing! Let me try some." He grabs the beer, chugs it down, jumps off the roof, and plummets down 15 stories to the ground.
The bartender looks at the guy and says, "You can be a real jerk when you are drunk, Superman."
🐓 Farmer Hank and the Speeding Teens
Farmer Hank had lived out on County Road 12 his whole life. Quiet place. Gravel road. More deer than people. His free‑range chickens wandered wherever they pleased, and nobody minded.
Then the county built a brand‑new high school at the end of the road.
Overnight, traffic exploded. Teenagers in a hurry to get to class—or away from it—came flying past Hank’s place like it was the Indy 500. Before long, Hank was losing six chickens a week to speeding cars.
He called the sheriff.
They put up a SCHOOL sign.
Cars kept speeding.
They added CHILDREN AT PLAY.
Cars kept speeding.
Hank called again.
“Mind if I put up a sign of my own?”
The sheriff sighed. “At this point, Hank, do whatever you want.”
Next morning, traffic slowed to a crawl. Word spread that even the seniors were tapping their brakes.
Puzzled, the sheriff drove out to see what Hank had done.
At the end of the driveway stood a hand‑painted sign:
Comments
One anxious student said, "I prayed to God for help. Does that count?"
The professor glanced at the completed exam and replied, "Go ahead and sign. God did not assist you."
MEP Glenys Kinnock, wife of former Labour
leader Neil, was telling friends that she flew back to
Cardiff from Brussels recently when, on chatting to
the stewardess, she discovered that the two cabin
crew, the second pilot, and the captain were all
female. It was the first time she had been aboard
with an all female crew, and thought it an excellent
advance. So she asked the stewardess if she could
go forward to the cockpit to talk to the crew. "Oh no,
Mrs Kinnock," said the stewardess, "We don't call it
that any more."
Yes. They're a leg end.
‘Cause he only has little legs.
He was waiting in pre-op when the surgeon came to him.
"Sir, you get to select the type of brain, we will be transplanting in you."
The man thought that was a good plan. He asked what his options were.
The surgeon replied, "The first brain is from an engineer. It will cost $100 an ounce.
The second brain is from an astrophysicist. It will cost $200 an ounce.
The third brain is from a politician. It will cost $1000 an ounce."
"Wait a minute," said the man, asking, "Why does the brain of a politician cost a $1000 an ounce?"
"Well," said the surgeon, "Engineers and astrophysicists are quite common, but do you know how many politicians we had to go through just to find an ounce?"
What do you call a pigeon heading to Aviemore?
A sgian dhu.
I used to get all lathered up.
But now I am clean.
The lorry then careened down the road and hit a car from Loughborough, injuring the two otorhinolaryngologists inside.
One of them, suffering from Schistosomiasis, had a myocardial infarction.
A bystander witnessed the entire event and quickly called to report the accident on his Huawei.
The emergency operator asked the bystander, "What happened?"
"It's hard to say."
I reckon I've got a chess infection.
A. Take away their brooms!
It's his altar ego.
To be fair, the people being photographed tried to warn him...
I must be getting old, it took me a couple of seconds to get that one!
They'd crack each other up.
@Sparrow, me too!
I still don't get it!
That's about the level most of my jokes are at.
He tells the salesclerk, "My wife says she needs to by a Southern Baptist bra."
The clerk is a little confused. She asks him to repeat the request."
Jerry says, "My wife is a 34B. She says she needs a Southern Baptist bra."
The clerk says, "Now I understand. We don't get many requests for them anymore. We usually get requests for the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra."
Jerry asks, "What is the difference?"
The clerk replies. "The Catholic bra supports the masses. The Salvation Army bra lifts the fallen. The Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright."
Jerry says, "I am probably going to regret this, but what does the Southern Baptist bra do."
The clerk answers, "The Southern Babtist bra makes mountains out of molehills."
Did he have them in stiches?
She went to the roulette table
She laid down 20,000 Euro
She told the dealer,
I feel lucky today,
She placed all her money on a number on the table
and removed all her clothes.
The wheel was spun.
She exclaimed, "I won! I won!"
She picked up her winnings and her clothes
and walked away.
The dealer looked at the assistant and asked
"What was the winning number?"
Moral of the story;
Not all drunks are drunks,
Not all blondes are dumb,
but men are aways men.
“Janie, do you have a story?” the teacher asked.
“Yes, Ma’am. My daddy told me about Aunty Suzy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm. Her plane got hit, and she bailed out over enemy territory with only a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break.
Her parachute landed her in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them, then killed four more with the knife before the blade broke, and finished the last one with her bare hands.”
The teacher gasped, “Good heavens! What’s the moral?”
Janie grinned.
“Stay away from my Aunty Suzy when she’s drunk.
Yes, he was an absolute unit...
and was greeted by a blonde
who said, "T-G-I-F."
The man replied, "S-H-I-T."
Nonplused, the woman tried to keep it friendly
She smiled broadly, and repeated. "T-G-I-F."
The man also smiled broadly and repeated. "S-H-I-T"
The blonde was getting a little ticked,
She looked at the man saying,
"Don't you know T-G-I-F means
Thank God It's Friday?" Duh.
The man answered
"Don't you know, S-H-I-T means
Sadly, However, It's Thursday."
He had a cooler full of fish.
A game warden appeared.
He asked Bubba for his fishing license.
Bubba said, "Do n't need no fishing license.
These are my pet fish."
Game warden asked, "Whaddya, mean, 'Pet fish?
Bubba replied, "Yep, every evenin, I come down to this lake and release my fish, so's they can swim around, and stretch their fins a bit. Then I whistle and they all come back into my cooler."
Game warden does not believe this, so he challenges Bubba. "Show me."
Bubba takes the cooler out.
He dumps the fish into the lake,
and they disappear.
After a while, the Grame Warden says, "Aren't you call them fish back in?"
Bubba looks around, and asks,
"What fish?"
A piece of west failure
There will be no WW3.
.
.
.
They've abandoned numbered releases and switched to a live service model with seasonal events.
XO: Define "Avoidable."
Captain: What a matador tries to do.
"What are you drinking?" the man asks.
"Magic beer," says the guy.
"What do you mean?" asks the man.
The guy takes a swig of beer and jumps off the roof, flys around the building and lands back on the seat next to the man, smiling triumphantly.
The man exclaims, "That's amazing! Let me try some." He grabs the beer, chugs it down, jumps off the roof, and plummets down 15 stories to the ground.
The bartender looks at the guy and says, "You can be a real jerk when you are drunk, Superman."
🐓 Farmer Hank and the Speeding Teens
Farmer Hank had lived out on County Road 12 his whole life. Quiet place. Gravel road. More deer than people. His free‑range chickens wandered wherever they pleased, and nobody minded.
Then the county built a brand‑new high school at the end of the road.
Overnight, traffic exploded. Teenagers in a hurry to get to class—or away from it—came flying past Hank’s place like it was the Indy 500. Before long, Hank was losing six chickens a week to speeding cars.
He called the sheriff.
They put up a SCHOOL sign.
Cars kept speeding.
They added CHILDREN AT PLAY.
Cars kept speeding.
Hank called again.
“Mind if I put up a sign of my own?”
The sheriff sighed. “At this point, Hank, do whatever you want.”
Next morning, traffic slowed to a crawl. Word spread that even the seniors were tapping their brakes.
Puzzled, the sheriff drove out to see what Hank had done.
At the end of the driveway stood a hand‑painted sign:
SLOW — NUDIST COLONY.
WATCH FOR THE CHICKS.
I bought an expensive beehive and then found it didn't have a door...