My father told of a colleague who always brought a hard boiled egg with his lunch. He would show off by tossing it to the ceiling to crack it.
One day someone surreptitiously swapped it...
My uncle was in the RAF. One night they all sneaked down to the kitchens, boiled all the eggs in the cupboard, and then put them back. Allegedly, this caused all the eggs to explode when the cook tried to re-boil them in the morning, although I don't know why it would ...
If two people think a joke is funny, then it's funny to those two people. That doesn't guarantee anybody else in the world will think it's funny. Think of an inside joke about the weird way your sister always brushed her teeth, for instance. Sure it's funny, to the other siblings. No reason to think the whole world will find it funny.
This one for some reason was in huge vogue when I was at university...
A frog hops into a bank.
"My name's John Paddywhack," says the advisor - "how can I help you?"
"My name's Kermit Jagger," says the frog, "and I'd like to borrow some money."
"Oh," says the advisor, "any relation to Mick Jagger?"
"Yes actually," says the frog, "he's my dad."
"Well, how much would you like to borrow?" asks the advisor. "1 million pounds," says the frog.
"That's quite a lot," says the advisor, "what sort of collateral can you provide?"
"Well," says the frog, "being a frog I don't really have a job or any assets, but I do have this fascinating hand-crafted wooden elephant that I brought back from my last holiday. It must be worth something,"
"I think I'll have to speak to someone more senior," says the advisor, and steps into the manager's office.
"Excuse me sir - I have a frog here called Kermit Jagger. He wants to borrow 1 million pounds but all he has as collateral is this wooden elephant thing - I don't even know what it is!"
"It's a knick-knack, Paddywhack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone..."
Three women walk into a bar, the first turns to the second and says “Hooray ! We’ve colonised a male dominated joke format !”
(Courtesy of Bill Bailey )
A priest, a rabbi, and an imam walk into a bar. All three are women. "This is only a male-dominated joke format if it is taken as read that our three professions are male-only," said the one to the other two. "Good point, sister," said the other two.
Three religious leaders of monogamous faiths and non disclosed gender are considering how to use their shares of interfaith community raffle.
The first says, I will draw a circle on the ground, stand in the middle and throw the money in the air - what falls outside the circle I shall use for the expenses of the event and some practical needs, the rest I will give to God. The second says, I will do the same but what falls within the circle I shall keep for these things and the rest I will give to God. The last agrees this is an excellent idea, I will also draw a circle and throw the money in the air - what God catches he can keep ...
A Welsh rugby player dies and goes to heaven. At the pearly gates he encounters a saintly figure and feels the need to come clean. "I was playing in a match against England", he says, "and I was awarded a try. But I cheated: I was actually brought down a yard before the line and should have released the ball instead of wriggling across".
"That's OK", says the saintly figure, "It was a try".
"No", says the player, "it wasn't".
"Yes, it was".
"Listen, St. Peter, I know the rules of rugby - it wasn't a try".
"And I'm not St. Peter: it's his day off. I'm St. David".
A man and his wife have had dinner with friends, and the two men are chatting in the lounge whilst the ladies are in the kitchen.
Man 1 says to the other 'We went to a wonderful restaurant the other day - a buffet place - all you could scoff for just £5!'.
Man 2 asks 'Sounds great - what's it called?'
Man 1 'Blowed if I can remember! What's that flower, comes in red, pink, white, yellow - you get it in gardens, and parks, and so on - has a lovely smell, but has nasty spikes on the stem?'
Man 2 'Rose?'
Man 1 'That's it! [turns towards the kitchen] Rose! What was the name of that restaurant?'.
Thor, the Norse god, decides to come to Midgard for a bit of mortal nookie. He manifests as a muscled, handsome warrior and not surprisingly manages to cop off with a young lady fairly quickly.
After a very energetic weekend, he decides he ought to be honest about who he is, and, so, as they lie panting on a bed for about the fortieth time, says "there's something I need to tell you. I'm Thor"
"You're Thor?" she replies "*You're* Thor? I can hardly bear to pith!"
A man died. After arriving in heaven, he was given the a guided tour by an angel. All of heaven was beautiful and everything that God's word promised it would be. At the end of the tour he heard singing coming from over some rolling green hills. (Reports vary on whether he heard Kendrick songs or Matt Redmond choruses).
"What's that?" The man asked,
"Shhhhh," said the angel, "That's the Evangelical section; they think they're the only ones here!"
A man was driving through rural Russia when his car broke down in a small Jewish community. He found a place to get his car fixed and decided to take a stroll. He glanced at his watch to know when he wanted to check back on his car. Well hell! it wasn't working either. So he kept going and came by a store front that had a few watches in the window. Great! He walked in and addressed a venerable old man sitting in the back reading. He asked the gentleman, "Could you repair my watch?"
The man glanced up and gave a little shake of his head. Thinking the elderly man might have been hard of hearing, the visitor raised his voice and asked his question again. The old man looked straight at him and shook his head.
"Why won't you repair my watch?" the exasperated man asked.
"I'm the village mohel. I circumcise the baby boys around here. I don't fix watches."
"Well then, what's with the watches in the window?!"
The mohel sighed. "So what would you put in your window?"
A very Orthodox Rabbi conceives an unquenchable desire to taste pork, so he drives incognito to a restaurant in a town 50 miles away. He orders roast sucking pig, which duly arrives on a steaming platter, complete with an apple in its mouth.
Just as the Rabbi is about to tuck in, the door opens, and in walks Goldberg, the President of his congregation, so his disguise is unavailing!
'Rabbi!!', screams Goldberg, 'What are you doing?'
'Goldberg', says the Rabbi, 'I ordered a baked apple, and look how they've served it to me...'.
Another man comes home (from the pub), and says to his wife, 'Where's my dinner?'
His wife replies, 'In the dog.'
The same man (still in the pub) receives a note from his wife, via the agency of a small boy. The note reads 'Gone berserk. Your dinner's on the ceiling.'
A Benedictine, a Franciscan, a Dominican and a Jesuit are all cast away in a lifeboat. The lifeboat is overloaded and taking on water, and some people will have to sacrifice themselves for the others.
The Benedictine cries: 'Long live prayer!' and jumps overboard.
The Franciscan cries: 'Long live good works!' and follows him.
The Dominican cries: 'Long live truth!' - and throws in the Jesuit.
A Catholic priest and a rabbi are seated next to each other on a plane (clearly this joke predates Covid-19 precautions). The priest has this burning question and finally brings himself to ask. "Rabbi, have you ever eaten pork?"
Rabbi: Yes, I have. Tell me, father, have you ever had sex?
Just read this on Facebook:
Monsters aren’t good at Maths - unless you Count Dracula.
Seen on a card in Cornwall:
Two rather pretentious businessmen were opening a shop in a country village. They had it set up with all the shelves in place, but the stock hadn’t arrived.
They were admiring the shop’s furnishings when one of the locals walked in. “What are you selling here?”
“Idiots” replied one of the businessmen.
The local replied “well, you must be doing well, there’s only two left”.
France and England were at war. An English ship and a French ship prepared to do battle.
'Surrender,' shouted the English captain. 'We are bound to win, for you fight for money but we fight for honour.'
The French captain called back, 'Everyone fights for what they don't have.'
Lookout: 'French man'o'war to port!'
Captain: 'Fetch me my scarlet jacket'
Officer: ' Why a scarlet jacket, sir?'
Captain: 'Because, should I be wounded, the blood will not show, and the crew will not be discouraged'.
Lookout: 'Twenty more French ships to starboard!'
Captain: 'And my brown trousers'.
A cowboy from Texas moved to Wales and starts a cattle ranch. His brand is PZADITGONNNHCKUVEASLLDOULLDIGFT. Sadly, none of his cows survived the branding
A cowboy from Texas moved to Wales and starts a cattle ranch. His brand is PZADITGONNNHCKUVEASLLDOULLDIGFT. Sadly, none of his cows survived the branding
@KarlLB Simple brand designs are easier to read and are less painful for the livestock. A brand design consists of 2 or more symbols.
Yes, I get that bit. I don't get the random letter series.
That it's way too freaking long and a burn that included all that would cover most of the animal's hide and kill it by sheer shock. Hey ho, over-explainer over-explains.
Comments
Funny you should mention that.
Bloke goes to a psychiatrist who tries the Rohrschach test.
"What does this make you think of?"
"Sex"
"This?"
"Sex"
"And this?"
"Sex"
And so on, right through the book.
"Right" the psychiatrist says. "It's clear to me you have an obsession with sex."
"Me?" the patient retorts angrily, "You're the one showing me all the rude pictures!"
That's it ...
"Sorry, can't stop now. I'm on a roll."
I think it's true. I eat a lot of bananas. Never ate a monkey. (Does it taste like chicken?)
Two oranges are sitting on a wall.
Orange 1 says to Orange 2 'Where do you live, then?'
Orange 2 replies 'I'm not going to tell you - you might come and steal my washing.'
The only people I know who have laughed spontaneously at that are myself and my brother...
But, somehow, the minds of my brother and I are wired in such a way as to find it funny...I can't possibly explain why.
Ah well. Carry on as you were...
My father told of a colleague who always brought a hard boiled egg with his lunch. He would show off by tossing it to the ceiling to crack it.
One day someone surreptitiously swapped it...
If two people get a joke, then it's funny, and the outsiders can carry on being puzzled, making it even funnier. I like that.
Apparently, you are ... "two wild and crazy guys ..."
My uncle was in the RAF. One night they all sneaked down to the kitchens, boiled all the eggs in the cupboard, and then put them back. Allegedly, this caused all the eggs to explode when the cook tried to re-boil them in the morning, although I don't know why it would ...
One says to the other:
"Are you worried about this 'mad cow disease'?"
"Nah," says the other, "doesn't affect me, I'm a helicopter..."
A frog hops into a bank.
"My name's John Paddywhack," says the advisor - "how can I help you?"
"My name's Kermit Jagger," says the frog, "and I'd like to borrow some money."
"Oh," says the advisor, "any relation to Mick Jagger?"
"Yes actually," says the frog, "he's my dad."
"Well, how much would you like to borrow?" asks the advisor. "1 million pounds," says the frog.
"That's quite a lot," says the advisor, "what sort of collateral can you provide?"
"Well," says the frog, "being a frog I don't really have a job or any assets, but I do have this fascinating hand-crafted wooden elephant that I brought back from my last holiday. It must be worth something,"
"I think I'll have to speak to someone more senior," says the advisor, and steps into the manager's office.
"Excuse me sir - I have a frog here called Kermit Jagger. He wants to borrow 1 million pounds but all he has as collateral is this wooden elephant thing - I don't even know what it is!"
"It's a knick-knack, Paddywhack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone..."
It is a superb joke, IMO.
(Courtesy of Bill Bailey
A priest, a rabbi, and an imam walk into a bar. All three are women. "This is only a male-dominated joke format if it is taken as read that our three professions are male-only," said the one to the other two. "Good point, sister," said the other two.
The first says, I will draw a circle on the ground, stand in the middle and throw the money in the air - what falls outside the circle I shall use for the expenses of the event and some practical needs, the rest I will give to God. The second says, I will do the same but what falls within the circle I shall keep for these things and the rest I will give to God. The last agrees this is an excellent idea, I will also draw a circle and throw the money in the air - what God catches he can keep ...
"That's OK", says the saintly figure, "It was a try".
"No", says the player, "it wasn't".
"Yes, it was".
"Listen, St. Peter, I know the rules of rugby - it wasn't a try".
"And I'm not St. Peter: it's his day off. I'm St. David".
A man and his wife have had dinner with friends, and the two men are chatting in the lounge whilst the ladies are in the kitchen.
Man 1 says to the other 'We went to a wonderful restaurant the other day - a buffet place - all you could scoff for just £5!'.
Man 2 asks 'Sounds great - what's it called?'
Man 1 'Blowed if I can remember! What's that flower, comes in red, pink, white, yellow - you get it in gardens, and parks, and so on - has a lovely smell, but has nasty spikes on the stem?'
Man 2 'Rose?'
Man 1 'That's it! [turns towards the kitchen] Rose! What was the name of that restaurant?'.
Old Lady to Doctor 'Doctor, doctor! I can't pi*s!'
Doctor 'Bubba, how old are you?'
Lady 'Eighty-eight!'
Doctor ' You've pis*ed enough...'
Thor, the Norse god, decides to come to Midgard for a bit of mortal nookie. He manifests as a muscled, handsome warrior and not surprisingly manages to cop off with a young lady fairly quickly.
After a very energetic weekend, he decides he ought to be honest about who he is, and, so, as they lie panting on a bed for about the fortieth time, says "there's something I need to tell you. I'm Thor"
"You're Thor?" she replies "*You're* Thor? I can hardly bear to pith!"
The Thunder God went for a ride, upon his favourite filly;
'I'm THOR!' he cried - the horse replied 'Forgot your thaddle, thilly!'
"What's that?" The man asked,
"Shhhhh," said the angel, "That's the Evangelical section; they think they're the only ones here!"
I'll get m' coat...
AFZ
A man was driving through rural Russia when his car broke down in a small Jewish community. He found a place to get his car fixed and decided to take a stroll. He glanced at his watch to know when he wanted to check back on his car. Well hell! it wasn't working either. So he kept going and came by a store front that had a few watches in the window. Great! He walked in and addressed a venerable old man sitting in the back reading. He asked the gentleman, "Could you repair my watch?"
The man glanced up and gave a little shake of his head. Thinking the elderly man might have been hard of hearing, the visitor raised his voice and asked his question again. The old man looked straight at him and shook his head.
"Why won't you repair my watch?" the exasperated man asked.
"I'm the village mohel. I circumcise the baby boys around here. I don't fix watches."
"Well then, what's with the watches in the window?!"
The mohel sighed. "So what would you put in your window?"
A very Orthodox Rabbi conceives an unquenchable desire to taste pork, so he drives incognito to a restaurant in a town 50 miles away. He orders roast sucking pig, which duly arrives on a steaming platter, complete with an apple in its mouth.
Just as the Rabbi is about to tuck in, the door opens, and in walks Goldberg, the President of his congregation, so his disguise is unavailing!
'Rabbi!!', screams Goldberg, 'What are you doing?'
'Goldberg', says the Rabbi, 'I ordered a baked apple, and look how they've served it to me...'.
His wife replies, "At the chip shop."
His wife replies, 'In the dog.'
The same man (still in the pub) receives a note from his wife, via the agency of a small boy. The note reads 'Gone berserk. Your dinner's on the ceiling.'
The Franciscan protests, and the Dominican says: 'So what would you have done?'
'I'd have taken the smaller part,' says the Franciscan.
'Well,' says the Dominican, 'that's what you've got, isn't it?'
The Benedictine cries: 'Long live prayer!' and jumps overboard.
The Franciscan cries: 'Long live good works!' and follows him.
The Dominican cries: 'Long live truth!' - and throws in the Jesuit.
Scurrilous, but
Rabbi: Yes, I have. Tell me, father, have you ever had sex?
Priest: Yes, I have.
Rabbi: Better than pork, isn't it?
Monsters aren’t good at Maths - unless you Count Dracula.
Seen on a card in Cornwall:
Two rather pretentious businessmen were opening a shop in a country village. They had it set up with all the shelves in place, but the stock hadn’t arrived.
They were admiring the shop’s furnishings when one of the locals walked in. “What are you selling here?”
“Idiots” replied one of the businessmen.
The local replied “well, you must be doing well, there’s only two left”.
'Surrender,' shouted the English captain. 'We are bound to win, for you fight for money but we fight for honour.'
The French captain called back, 'Everyone fights for what they don't have.'
Lookout: 'French man'o'war to port!'
Captain: 'Fetch me my scarlet jacket'
Officer: ' Why a scarlet jacket, sir?'
Captain: 'Because, should I be wounded, the blood will not show, and the crew will not be discouraged'.
Lookout: 'Twenty more French ships to starboard!'
Captain: 'And my brown trousers'.
A British warship enters a port somewhere in the Far East during World War 2.
An American warship is already moored.
Voice from American ship, 'Hey, bud, how's the world's second-biggest navy?'
Voice from British ship, 'OK, mate, how's the world's second-best?'
(It is, of course, possible to alter the opprobrious epithets to reflect lower and lower levels of...er...opprobrium).
No, don't get it.
Yes, I get that bit. I don't get the random letter series.
A labracadabrador.
That it's way too freaking long and a burn that included all that would cover most of the animal's hide and kill it by sheer shock. Hey ho, over-explainer over-explains.