I saw this and it made me smile, I wanted to share but wasn't sure where is the best place for it - but regardless really hope it doesn't offend.
We believe in one Virus, the SARS-COV-2, the Almighty, destroyer of heaven and earth, that is all there is, seen and unseen.
We believe in one Malady, Covid-19, the only son of SARS-COV-2, eternally begotten of the Virus, God from God, Darkness from Darkness, true God from true God, begotten, not made (probably) of one Being with the Virus.
For diseases are they none but the One True Virus and Death comes not without Its presence. Thou shalt have no diseases before the One True Virus. They that die outside the Virus shall not have their passing told unto the people on a quotidian basis in hushed tones, but shall be quietly recorded in obscure tables when the time comes.
Through the Virus all things were unmade.
For us men (and women and all points in between) and for our damnation
It came down from heaven (or maybe from China or Maryland):
By the power of the Holy WHO
It became incarnate from the swirling microbes (or maybe bat soup through immaculate Zoonosis), and was made Pandemic.
For Its sake we were crucified under ongoing Lockdown;
It suffered not death, like unto most it afflicteth, and is never buried in the news.
Though by the evidence that appeareth on those who do pass away or wax sick, it hath waned to almost nought.
On the second wave It rose again
And though few did perish many were tested and lo! Many were deemed infected (probably) and ‘cases’ were they named, though sickness showed they none,
in accordance with the Great Plan;
It ascended into the collective consciousness
and is seated on the right and left hand of all (lest with sanitiser they do anoint themselves five score times hourly)
It will come again in glory, as many times as necessary to convince the living and the dead,
and his mask’d kingdom will have no end, it seemeth.
We believe in the Unholy pathogen, the Lord Rona, the taker of life (for they that are vulnerable), though he passeth the children by,
who proceeds from the laboratory and the test.
With the quest for a Vaccine, the donning of the Holy Mask and with sequestration of the faithful he is worshipped and glorified and Its name kept alive in the minds of all.
It hath spoken through ‘The Science’ and thereafter through the Media, through Potentates and Rulers and through the scriptures of the WEF and of the foundations and think-tanks that do proclaim Its Gospel.
Woe to they who do speak out against the words of the Powers of Covid or their servants, for they shall be anathema and their names removed from the Book of Face and platform shall they have none. One shall they be made with they that aver the Earth to be flat and Conspiracy Theorists shall they be named.
We believe in one unholy Catastrophic and Technocratic Global Church.
We acknowledge one Great Reset for the salvation of all.
We look in vain for the resurrection of Reason, Proportionality and Democracy,
and towards the life of the New World to come.
At the 25th reunion of a local high school, everyone wanted to hear from the super rich graduate. In high school, he had been seen as the dumbest kid in the class. How had he managed to achieve such fabulous success? Since there was so much interest, the organizers decided to have him address the whole class. He said, "It's not much of a story. I buy widgets for a penny each and sell them for two cents each. You would be amazed at how much profit there is in a one percent mark-up."
On a church sign: "Love your enemies; After all, You made them."
Manifestly untrue.
I don't think they were made to be enemies. If "You" is God, He indeed made them and us, too. And He did tell us to love them. And if "You" goes with "your" we are part of the equation that determines if they are our enemies. However, this is getting a bit Puragatorial so I'll leave it there. On reflection, not that great a joke.
On a church sign: "Love your enemies; After all, You made them."
Manifestly untrue.
I don't think they were made to be enemies. If "You" is God, He indeed made them and us, too. And He did tell us to love them. And if "You" goes with "your" we are part of the equation that determines if they are our enemies. However, this is getting a bit Puragatorial so I'll leave it there. On reflection, not that great a joke.
I have many enemies who chose to be my enemy, not the other way around.
Some time ago a senior person where I worked referred to an obnoxious colleague as 'his own worst enemy'. Unfortunately, as I had had recent dealings with him, I almost reflexively replied, "Not while I still work here". Difficult territory, this.
Oscar Wilde was at a dinner party. After one of his witty remarks, another guest said, "I wish I'd said that." Wilde's reply: "You will."
The version I know is the other way round:
During a party Whistler made a humorous remark and the following statements were exchanged:
Oscar Wilde: I wish I had said that.
James McNeill Whistler: You will, Oscar, you will.
I was totally unimpressed with Earnest but cried my eyes out over his fairy tales.
Well that's a relief; to fail to engage with one of Wilde's works may be regarded as a misfortune; to fail to engage with all of them looks like carelessness.
I was totally unimpressed with Earnest but cried my eyes out over his fairy tales.
I'll have to check out the fairy tales. As to Ernest, I've never read it but had the experience of laughing til I cried over one performance and being bored to tears by another. Same words. Performance timing was everything.
Some time ago a senior person where I worked referred to an obnoxious colleague as 'his own worst enemy'. Unfortunately, as I had had recent dealings with him, I almost reflexively replied, "Not while I still work here". Difficult territory, this.
I once just stopped myself from writing in a departing colleague’s leaving card the classic, “Whenever I was troubled or stressed, you were always there”.
I once just stopped myself from writing in a departing colleague’s leaving card the classic, “Whenever I was troubled or stressed, you were always there”.
I wish I had known that years ago ! I hadn't heard it but it is marvellous.
In Yorkshire ..... sadly Seth’s wife of 60yrs died. They never missed Church on Sunday, they were very religious. He instructed the undertakers to put on her headstone “Lord, she was thine”.
But the monumental masons made a mistake. When Seth visited the grave, he was horrified to see the headstone read “Lord, she was thin”
He rang the masons and angrily told them “you missed off the e”.
Sorry, they said, we’ll fix it immediately.
So next time Seth went to the grave, he saw the headstone, it read ....
I believe there is an actual 18th C gravestone extant commemorating a vicar 'who preached the Gospel for 40 years in this place without Enthusiasm'
John Wesley was often charged with "enthusiasm" by his detractors. In those days, it meant something like "undue emotionalism." I have suffered through some sermons from preachers who made it plain to me that enthusiasm truly can be a failing.
18th/19th C gravestones, or the inscriptions thereon, are a most wonderful source of entertainment (surely sometimes deliberate) - and a wonderful social commentary, too.
There's one in Bath Abbey, which I think I've mentioned before, which includes the immortal lines,
"And be not troubled if thy friends
Come suddenly unto their ends."
There's also a sad one, which alas I can't copy and paste my photograph of, in the parish church in Dorchester-on-Thames, near Oxford, to a Mrs Sarah Fletcher who sank and died "a Martyr to Excessive Sensibility"
There's also a sad one, which alas I can't copy and paste my photograph of, in the parish church in Dorchester-on-Thames, near Oxford, to a Mrs Sarah Fletcher who sank and died "a Martyr to Excessive Sensibility"
Goodness! Poor young lady - one wonders just what rude Shakes and Joftlings she had to put up with...and how far Captain Fletcher was responsible...
What is NOT a good joke is the thought of the cost of such a comprehensive inscription today (assuming the church or cemetery authorities would allow it).
A gentleman from India was visiting his Facebook friends in the United States, a rabbi and a lawyer. The three decided to explore the countryside, and so took off for a long hike. But a sudden storm arose, and it didn't look as though they would be able to make it home. And so they looked around for a place to seek shelter for the night.
Spying a farmhouse in the distance, they trekked up to it and knocked on the door. When the farmer answered, they explained their plight to him and asked if he could put them up for the night.
"Well sure I can," the farmer replied, "but I have room in the house for only two. One of you will have to sleep in the barn."
The Indian gentleman replied, "My people believe in practicing humility. I'll go sleep in the barn." And so he did.
But ten minutes later, the Indian knocked on the farmer's door. "You didn't tell me you have cows!" he exclaimed. "My people believe that cows are sacred. I am not worthy to share living space with a cow."
And so the rabbi said, "My people have always suffered. What's suffering to me? I'll go sleep in the barn."
But ten minutes later, the rabbi knocked on the farmer's door. "You didn't tell me you have pigs!" he exclaimed. "My people regard pigs as unclean. I can't possibly share living space with a pig."
"Oh all right!" the lawyer said. "You two go in the house. I'll sleep in the barn." And so it came to pass.
But ten minutes later there was another knock on the farmer's door.
If Emma Woodhouse had been the victim of a mugging while walking in the grounds of her father's house, would it be known as the Highbury Shrubbery Robbery?
This is a true story from 30 plus years ago but it really could be a joke. I was driving my four daughters when the following conversation took place.
14 year old: Mum, you know my friend, well she just told me she's lost her virginity. I can't believe it, she's only just 14!
10 year old: Mum, what does it mean to lose your virginity?
Me (thinking fast): Well, if you lose your virginity you are no longer a virgin
9 year old (who loved words): Ah so that means she can now eat meat and dairy products
10 year old (snorting): That's a vegan not a virgin
9 year old: OK so what's a virgin?
Me (thinking Dear God not now whilst I'm driving): A virgin is a person who has never had sexual intercourse
7 year old: Mum, what's sexual intercourse?
This is a true story from 30 plus years ago but it really could be a joke. I was driving my four daughters when the following conversation took place.
14 year old: Mum, you know my friend, well she just told me she's lost her virginity. I can't believe it, she's only just 14!
10 year old: Mum, what does it mean to lose your virginity?
Me (thinking fast): Well, if you lose your virginity you are no longer a virgin
9 year old (who loved words): Ah so that means she can now eat meat and dairy products
10 year old (snorting): That's a vegan not a virgin
9 year old: OK so what's a virgin?
Me (thinking Dear God not now whilst I'm driving): A virgin is a person who has never had sexual intercourse
7 year old: Mum, what's sexual intercourse?
True story: Reminds me of a youngster's question "what's a vagina?", about which the parent launches into a lengthy explanation, with the boy looking more and more confused. He finally blurts out, "but we have cousins in vagina!" (Regina, Saskatchewan is the second largest city in the province.)
On a long car trip through New York State, looking for diversions, we passed a highway exit for Arsenal Street. I asked the children if they knew what that meant. Older daughter: "Is that something like a men's toilet?"
A priest and a rabbi were sitting in a waiting room. "Excuse me, Rabbi, but could I ask you a question?" the priest said.
"Certainly," the rabbi replied.
"In your religion, it is forbidden to eat pork. Isn't that true?" the priest asked.
"Yes, is is true," the rabbi answered.
"Well, let me ask you, have you ever eaten pork?" said the priest.
"Yes, I am sorry to admit it," the rabbi replied, "but I have eaten pork. Now let me ask you a question, Father. In your religion, it is forbidden for a priest to have sex. Isn't that true?"
"Yes, that's correct," the priest answered.
"Well, have you ever had sex?" the rabbi asked.
"Yes, I too am ashamed to admit it, but I have had sex," the priest confessed.
On a long car trip through New York State, looking for diversions, we passed a highway exit for Arsenal Street. I asked the children if they knew what that meant. Older daughter: "Is that something like a men's toilet?"
Over here, even footballaphobes like me instantly think of the football team of that name.
Rabbi Schwarz really, really, really wants to try eating pork, just to see what it's like. He can't go to a local restaurant, so he disguises himself, drives to a town 50 miles away, finds a restaurant, goes in, and orders Roast Sucking Pig.
They bring the Pig to him, done to a turn, on a steaming platter, with all the trimmings, and a Baked Apple in its mouth. Just as Rabbi Schwarz is about to start eating, in comes Goldstein, a member of the Rabbi's congregation, and recognises him!
'Rabbi!', screams Goldstein, 'what do you think you're doing?'.
'Goldstein', sighs the Rabbi, 'Can you believe this place? I asked for a baked apple, and look how they've served it to me...'.
Comments
My experience of dialect scouse is that it’s also called “th’asda” as a contraction of “the Asda.”
Love scouse.
We believe in one Virus, the SARS-COV-2, the Almighty, destroyer of heaven and earth, that is all there is, seen and unseen.
We believe in one Malady, Covid-19, the only son of SARS-COV-2, eternally begotten of the Virus, God from God, Darkness from Darkness, true God from true God, begotten, not made (probably) of one Being with the Virus.
For diseases are they none but the One True Virus and Death comes not without Its presence. Thou shalt have no diseases before the One True Virus. They that die outside the Virus shall not have their passing told unto the people on a quotidian basis in hushed tones, but shall be quietly recorded in obscure tables when the time comes.
Through the Virus all things were unmade.
For us men (and women and all points in between) and for our damnation
It came down from heaven (or maybe from China or Maryland):
By the power of the Holy WHO
It became incarnate from the swirling microbes (or maybe bat soup through immaculate Zoonosis), and was made Pandemic.
For Its sake we were crucified under ongoing Lockdown;
It suffered not death, like unto most it afflicteth, and is never buried in the news.
Though by the evidence that appeareth on those who do pass away or wax sick, it hath waned to almost nought.
On the second wave It rose again
And though few did perish many were tested and lo! Many were deemed infected (probably) and ‘cases’ were they named, though sickness showed they none,
in accordance with the Great Plan;
It ascended into the collective consciousness
and is seated on the right and left hand of all (lest with sanitiser they do anoint themselves five score times hourly)
It will come again in glory, as many times as necessary to convince the living and the dead,
and his mask’d kingdom will have no end, it seemeth.
We believe in the Unholy pathogen, the Lord Rona, the taker of life (for they that are vulnerable), though he passeth the children by,
who proceeds from the laboratory and the test.
With the quest for a Vaccine, the donning of the Holy Mask and with sequestration of the faithful he is worshipped and glorified and Its name kept alive in the minds of all.
It hath spoken through ‘The Science’ and thereafter through the Media, through Potentates and Rulers and through the scriptures of the WEF and of the foundations and think-tanks that do proclaim Its Gospel.
Woe to they who do speak out against the words of the Powers of Covid or their servants, for they shall be anathema and their names removed from the Book of Face and platform shall they have none. One shall they be made with they that aver the Earth to be flat and Conspiracy Theorists shall they be named.
We believe in one unholy Catastrophic and Technocratic Global Church.
We acknowledge one Great Reset for the salvation of all.
We look in vain for the resurrection of Reason, Proportionality and Democracy,
and towards the life of the New World to come.
Amen.
What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison?
Did you come here to die?
No, I came here yesterdie.
Manifestly untrue.
I don't think they were made to be enemies. If "You" is God, He indeed made them and us, too. And He did tell us to love them. And if "You" goes with "your" we are part of the equation that determines if they are our enemies. However, this is getting a bit Puragatorial so I'll leave it there. On reflection, not that great a joke.
I have many enemies who chose to be my enemy, not the other way around.
The version I know is the other way round:
During a party Whistler made a humorous remark and the following statements were exchanged:
Oscar Wilde: I wish I had said that.
James McNeill Whistler: You will, Oscar, you will.
Well that's a relief; to fail to engage with one of Wilde's works may be regarded as a misfortune; to fail to engage with all of them looks like carelessness.
I'll have to check out the fairy tales. As to Ernest, I've never read it but had the experience of laughing til I cried over one performance and being bored to tears by another. Same words. Performance timing was everything.
I once just stopped myself from writing in a departing colleague’s leaving card the classic, “Whenever I was troubled or stressed, you were always there”.
Because he made his money as a sole trader.
And why did the preacher refuse to incorporate his business?
I wish I had known that years ago ! I hadn't heard it but it is marvellous.
But the monumental masons made a mistake. When Seth visited the grave, he was horrified to see the headstone read “Lord, she was thin”
He rang the masons and angrily told them “you missed off the e”.
Sorry, they said, we’ll fix it immediately.
So next time Seth went to the grave, he saw the headstone, it read ....
John Wesley was often charged with "enthusiasm" by his detractors. In those days, it meant something like "undue emotionalism." I have suffered through some sermons from preachers who made it plain to me that enthusiasm truly can be a failing.
"And be not troubled if thy friends
Come suddenly unto their ends."
There's also a sad one, which alas I can't copy and paste my photograph of, in the parish church in Dorchester-on-Thames, near Oxford, to a Mrs Sarah Fletcher who sank and died "a Martyr to Excessive Sensibility"
What is NOT a good joke is the thought of the cost of such a comprehensive inscription today (assuming the church or cemetery authorities would allow it).
Spying a farmhouse in the distance, they trekked up to it and knocked on the door. When the farmer answered, they explained their plight to him and asked if he could put them up for the night.
"Well sure I can," the farmer replied, "but I have room in the house for only two. One of you will have to sleep in the barn."
The Indian gentleman replied, "My people believe in practicing humility. I'll go sleep in the barn." And so he did.
But ten minutes later, the Indian knocked on the farmer's door. "You didn't tell me you have cows!" he exclaimed. "My people believe that cows are sacred. I am not worthy to share living space with a cow."
And so the rabbi said, "My people have always suffered. What's suffering to me? I'll go sleep in the barn."
But ten minutes later, the rabbi knocked on the farmer's door. "You didn't tell me you have pigs!" he exclaimed. "My people regard pigs as unclean. I can't possibly share living space with a pig."
"Oh all right!" the lawyer said. "You two go in the house. I'll sleep in the barn." And so it came to pass.
But ten minutes later there was another knock on the farmer's door.
It was the cow and the pig.
14 year old: Mum, you know my friend, well she just told me she's lost her virginity. I can't believe it, she's only just 14!
10 year old: Mum, what does it mean to lose your virginity?
Me (thinking fast): Well, if you lose your virginity you are no longer a virgin
9 year old (who loved words): Ah so that means she can now eat meat and dairy products
10 year old (snorting): That's a vegan not a virgin
9 year old: OK so what's a virgin?
Me (thinking Dear God not now whilst I'm driving): A virgin is a person who has never had sexual intercourse
7 year old: Mum, what's sexual intercourse?
Hopefully, at that point the end of the journey was reached...
Yes. Thank God 😂
🤣🤣🤣
True story: Reminds me of a youngster's question "what's a vagina?", about which the parent launches into a lengthy explanation, with the boy looking more and more confused. He finally blurts out, "but we have cousins in vagina!" (Regina, Saskatchewan is the second largest city in the province.)
"Certainly," the rabbi replied.
"In your religion, it is forbidden to eat pork. Isn't that true?" the priest asked.
"Yes, is is true," the rabbi answered.
"Well, let me ask you, have you ever eaten pork?" said the priest.
"Yes, I am sorry to admit it," the rabbi replied, "but I have eaten pork. Now let me ask you a question, Father. In your religion, it is forbidden for a priest to have sex. Isn't that true?"
"Yes, that's correct," the priest answered.
"Well, have you ever had sex?" the rabbi asked.
"Yes, I too am ashamed to admit it, but I have had sex," the priest confessed.
Long pause.
"Is better than pork . . . ?" the rabbi said.
Over here, even footballaphobes like me instantly think of the football team of that name.
May the Valar forgive you...
Rabbi Schwarz really, really, really wants to try eating pork, just to see what it's like. He can't go to a local restaurant, so he disguises himself, drives to a town 50 miles away, finds a restaurant, goes in, and orders Roast Sucking Pig.
They bring the Pig to him, done to a turn, on a steaming platter, with all the trimmings, and a Baked Apple in its mouth. Just as Rabbi Schwarz is about to start eating, in comes Goldstein, a member of the Rabbi's congregation, and recognises him!
'Rabbi!', screams Goldstein, 'what do you think you're doing?'.
'Goldstein', sighs the Rabbi, 'Can you believe this place? I asked for a baked apple, and look how they've served it to me...'.